SquidgeWorld Archive

Part 1

Phoenix didn't get to sleep in much. Her usual schedule had her up at five am Monday through Friday and at six am on Saturday. So Sunday was heaven for her. No reason to get up early. No real work to be done. The one day of the week she could just relax.

Thus is was more than a minor irritation when something began to tickle the right side of her throat before the sun even hit its midpoint.

"Damn it, cat, I wanna sleep," she growled softly and turned over, expecting to hear said cat leap off the bed. Instead, something cold and metallic pressed against her cheek.

"Get up, Phoenix." A hard voice rumbled. "We have things to discuss."

As her eyes flew open, Phoenix pushed herself back against the wall, pulling the covers with her. Those same eyes grew huge as she saw not only the speaker, but at least twenty other people all crowed around her bed, holding a multitude of weapons.

"Where are they, girl?" Sephiroth, looking bigger and more deadly than any game, ran the tip of his sword down her cheek again. He rested it between her breasts.

"W-W-W-W-W," Phoenix couldn't seem to form words. Several clicks drew attention to those at the foot of the bed. A myriad of different guns were pointed in her direction.

"I think you should tell us where you have hidden them." Mr. K said with a happy smile on his face.

"Enough Onna!" Wufei roared. "Where are my companions?"

"It would be best if you gave them up now, no da?" A voice from the back joined in.

Phoenix stared. She was surrounded by swords, staffs, guns, knives, and things she didn't know the names for, all wielded by people who couldn't be real and were very pissed at her.

"Huh?" Was her considered reply to the demands.

"Child, I know you don't mean any harm, but you must return our friends." Elrond came forward.

That was it for Phoenix.

"Elrond?" She squeaked as their eyes met.

"Seifer?" Another squeak as her gaze began to wander.

"Trowa?" The squeak was getting higher.

"Iori!?" The last squeak made everyone wince.

Then Phoenix did something she'd never done before in her life. With an insane look on her face, her eyes rolled back in her head, her entire body went limp, and she fainted dead away.

"Well, damn," Rebecca muttered. "Now what?"

"We wait," Qui-Gon said.

Later, Phoenix awoke with a start. Quickly she looked around the room but found no one. With great trepidation, she even leaned over the bed and peered under it. Nothing. Well nothing except the normal disaster which was supposed to be there.

"What a fucked up dream." She was not eating sushi and ice cream before bed again. Not ever! A look at the clock had her cussing further. "Five pm?! Goddamn it!"

Rising and muttering, the young writer decided to take a shower and order pizza for dinner. It was too late to do much else.

"Never gonna get to sleep tonight," she groaned while washing her hair. "Stupid dream."

And after all, what kind of dream was that? Leave it to her to dream about having tons of hot guys in her bedroom and they were all angry at her. Typical.

Stepping from the shower, Phoenix realized she'd left the towels and her bathrobe outside. Muttering curses about her own stupidity, she opened the door and stepped into the hall. Coming face to face with a very startled Tasuki. For several seconds they just stared, then the redheaded fan wielder made the mistake of looking down.

Their mingled screams made everyone in the house jump. As one they ran to the bottom of the stairs in time to see Tasuki fleeing down them pursued by Phoenix using one hand to hold her robe closed and the other holding a huge hammer and trying to hit him with it.

Without thinking about it, everyone made a path for the warrior to pass and drew their weapons. Phoenix didn't so much as acknowledge the weapons as she blew past them leaving the assembly more than a little stunned. They were snapped out of it by the sounds of Tasuki's howls.

In the dinning room, the poor former thief was trying to get the sliding glass door open and avoid the mad swings of the hammer.

"You son of a bitch," Phoenix was yelling furiously. "Goddamn peeping tom! How dare you?"

Tyr seemed to recover his courage faster than the others and stepped forward to seize the arm wielding the weapon. Spinning around, the rage on the young woman's face startled him as did the sudden punch to his stomach. Groaning, Tyr released her arm and collapsed to his knees. At which point Phoenix finally saw the others.

Face paler than a ghost, she dropped the weapon, which promptly disappeared, and sat down, hard. Both hands moved to hold her robe closed and she started rocking slowly. Tasuki took the opportunity to escape into Chichiri's arms.

Approaching her as they would a rabid animal, Wolverine and D'Argo carefully moved to hear what she was saying.

"It finally happened," Phoenix was talking to herself, voice filled with despair. "I finally lost my mind. I mean you can't grab things from Hammer Space. It doesn't exist. And I certainly can't have a bunch of fictional characters in my house." She looked around at those standing over her. "Well at least I have good taste. They're all gorgeous. It could be worse. I could be hallucinating ugly people."

"You most certainly have not gone insane, Madame," Phineas Fogg declared firmly and moved to kneel in front of her.

"But you're not real," she told him just as firmly.

"I think we may have the wrong person," Jonathan murmured to his sister.

"Poor thing," Evie said.

"It's OK, honey." Quistis joined the other woman and they tried to hug Phoenix.

Panic washed over the woman's features and she scrambled to her feet and against the glass door.

"Don't touch me. You're not real! I can't be insane. I've got too much to do!"

"There is no time for this," Dias stepped forward. "Just question her and have done with it."

"Be silent," Auron growled at him and Kimahri blocked the blue haired swordsman's path.

"I am not going insane," Phoenix said to no one in particular. "I don't have time for it." And she began listing all the things she had to do in the coming days, weeks, and months. Just about everyone's eyes began to glaze over.

She as so busy talking to herself, she never noticed as Nakago marched forward, seized her head with both hands and silenced the babbling with his lips. Phoenix immediately focused on the blond kissing her. A muffled scream echoed through the room and she frantically pushed the tall man away.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" She shrieked, looking stunned but fully aware.

"I thought you could use some help getting in touch with reality."

"So you kiss me?" She actually was beginning to appear quite angry. "No one kisses me. It's unnatural!"

"Oh I don't know," he licked his lips. "It was rather interesting."

No reply was forthcoming. Although her cheeks began to turn an alarming shade of red.

"And if you need any further grounding," off to the right, Elrond grabbed Phineas. "Perhaps this will help." The pair began making out furiously.

Phoenix's jaw dropped, however, Wolverine was nice enough to walk over and close it with a single finger. Now her face was literally glowing.

"Now that you're back with us, Darlin'," he drawled. "We need to talk."

"Can I get dressed first?"

"Please!" Tasuki wailed from his position, sobbing against Chichiri's chest.

Shakily, Phoenix walked past the group invading her home. She had the distinct impression she would be better off if she had gone crazy.

It took ten minutes to get dressed and brush her hair; mostly because she was shaking so bad. By the time she'd left the bedroom and walked downstairs, everyone had gathered in the living room with a few exceptions cooking dinner. There were an awful lot of people. From so many different series. Why were they all here? Provided, of course, that this wasn't some sort of weird dream, delusion, or acid trip. And it couldn't be an acid trip. She'd never done any! Unless getting hit by acid rain counted.

All eyes followed her trip down the stairs and somehow she knew once she stepped off the final one, life would change forever. Hovering on the last step, her eyes glanced longingly at the front door, however, Sephiroth, D'Argo, and Kimarhi watched impassively from their positions in front of it. Qui-Gon walked to her.

"My Lady." He offered his hand.

"You gonna zap me?" She asked softly.

"No, My Lady." A smile worked at the edges of his lips.

Nodding, she took the offered hand. As their skin touched, Phoenix tensed; yet nothing happened. Qui-Gon led her to the couch and motioned for her to sit. Once seated, questions began from everyone.

"Where is Suuichi?"

"Did you stick Ranma and Ryoga together?"

"What have you done with Squall?"

"Never mind about the stiff. Where is Zell?"

"Is Quatre OK?"

"What about Tidus?"

"If you have harmed the twins I will have no mercy on you."

"How did you manage to get the drop on Vincent?"

"Where have you hidden them?"

"Are Remy and Bobby together?"

"Are they unharmed?"

"Are the missing members of the teams with you?"

"How did you manage to breach our reality?"

"Where is Claude?"

"Do you have some sort of portal?"

"Did you remember not to feed Ardeth pork?"

"Where is my husband?"

"Why did you pick Luke? The kid doesn't deserve to be locked up."

"Do you know what will happen if Darien doesn't get his shot?"

"Do you work for the worms?"

Through it all, the volume increased and so did Phoenix's eye size. Soon they strained against their natural limits.

"What the hell are you people talking about?"

Now everyone had huge eyes.

Once again Qui-Gon moved first. Taking her hand, he knelt in front of her and began to explain.

"A month ago, people started to disappear. Nothing unusual about that as they often do when you writers get a new idea. However, this time, they did not return. We compared notes and no one could remember when they left or who called them. After a long discussion, we chose to come visit you."

"You think I'm kidnapping people?" The surprise she showed was genuine, the Jedi realized with a start. He could feel her emotions strongly. Surprise. Confusion. More than a little fear. Just a touch of insanity.

"You aren't the one taking them, are you?" There was a sad helplessness in the older man's face.

"Why would you think I was?"

"You've called all of us at one time or another." Wolverine whispered, not wanting to believe they'd come all the way here for nothing.

"And you have the tendency to write insane crossovers." Wufei grumped, still upset about the tentacle monster fic.

"OK, I might be nuts, but I don't kidnap people!" Phoenix pulled her hand from the Jedi Master and stood to face her accusers. "I'm a writer. I write.
That's it."

"Then it was all for nothing." Qui-Gon remained on his knees, face blank.

"Who else could it be!?" Dias raged and pushed his way through the throng. "I do not believe her innocence." He raised his sword. If she refused to talk he would make her.

"That serves no purpose." Phineas grabbed the taller man's arm.

"Let him do it."

They gaped at Phoenix.

"Let him." She met the blue haired man's glare evenly. "I didn't do this, but if it makes you feel like a man to beat up someone who can't defend themselves, go right ahead."

Dias stared for a long time then ripped his arm free and stalked off.

"I'm sorry. He's just.." Jonathan began.

"Worried about Claude." Phoenix finished for him. "I know. That's why I always liked him."

She smiled sadly at those around her. "I'm sorry. I'm not the one you were looking for."

"Now what?" Tyr growled. No one seemed to have any suggestions.

"Well, what do you have to go on?" Phoenix flinched when they all turned to her. "What? If someone is hurting people I want to stop it. Maybe I can figure something out."

At that moment, Chichiri walked in still holding a trembling Tasuki.

"It was so horrible," Tasuki told his lover. "I thought I'd go blind!"

"That does it!" Phoenix howled, a huge hammer suddenly appearing in her right hand. Every male dove out of her way. "You're gonna die asshole!"

Shrieking like a school girl being attacked by a tentacle monster, Tasuki took off with Phoenix in hot pursuit.

"Maybe we should ask Dena for help?" Heero asked Treize quietly. The older man nodded.