SquidgeWorld Archive

"Time can break your heart,
Time can bend your knees.
Time can break the heart,
have you beggin please...beggin please..."
ERIC CLAPTON

"I'm sorry David, the test results came back positive confirming the diagnosis. Its inoperable."

"Doc, are you sure? Maybe there was a mistake? Can't you run the tests again?" Hutch fired one question after another at the doctor, desperately hoping the tests were wrong and that his partner and best friend was not dying.

Starsky looked at the doctor and then at Hutch, trembling, feeling sick, turning white as a ghost.

"How long doc?" Stasky asked in a monotone and shaky voice, his eyes never leaving Hutch.

"Maybe 6 months. We'll do everything we can to keep you comfortable and to help with the pain and the nausea."

"Can I take him home doc?" Hutch was having difficulty catching his breath and all color had drained from his face.

"I think it would be best if he stay...Well, whatever David wants is okay."

"I want to go home." Starsky said in a whisper as tears silently slid down his cheeks.

Starsky closed his eyes and held tight to the hand that was in his, unwantingly trying to swallow the information they had just been given...the diagnosis...the death sentence.

The hand let go as Hutch abruptly excused himself and ran out of the room, down the hall and into the nearest bathroom. He made it just in time as he heaved into the bowl again and again, the words "6 months" screaming in his head.

"NO!" Hutch said out loud. "This can't be happening...this isn't right...Oh God Starsk!" He cried as the heaving slowed a bit. He did his best to pull himself together. Starsky needed him and he needed Starsky. Taking a deep breath and trying to be strong Hutch went back into the room to join his partner. The doctor was gone. It was real "Me and Thee" time.

"I'm sorry Starsk, I had to get to a bathroom quick."

"I know, its okay." Starsky smiled sadly at Hutch.

Hutch instinctively took his friend into his arms and held him tight, as they both cried, forgetting about the rest of the world, just taking comfort in holding each other.

"I'm scared Hutch."

"I know...me too."

"I'm afraid of the pain and the medicines that they'll use. They'll make me dopey and probably make me sleep a lot."

"I know...I know buddy. I'll be with you every minute. You'll never have to be alone cause I'll always be here."

"Hutch?"

"Yeah"

"Will you stay with me when I call my ma and tell her? She's not gonna take this real well."

"Sure I will Starsk...sure I will." (Oh God Starsk. I'm not taking this too well either, but I'm gonna be strong for you if its the last thing I do...which it very well might be. I don't want to be here without you...I can't.) "Don't worry Starsk, I'll be right here."

Hutch continued to hold his friend, rocking him slowly. Starsky's high pitched whimpers were tearing at his heart piece by piece. He wanted to tell Starsky that everything would be okay, but they never lied to each other.

"Hutch...what if I get confused and don't know you anymore?"

"I'll be right here, you'll know me don't worry. You don't think I'm gonna let you off the hook that easy do ya? You're stuck with me buddy."

"But the doctor said that...that the tumor...that the tumor could cause..."

"Hey...sshhh. Thats not gonna happen Starsk."

"But if it does....Oh God Hutch...I don't want to die. Can't we do something?" Starsky was now racked with sobs and couldn't stop his trembling.

Hutch would be there for his best friend, the other half of his heart and soul, but he knew he wouldn't make it in this world without Starsky and would soon follow him. He wasn't contemplating suicide, but life without Starsky was just not life. He would die of loneliness, despair and heartbreak. His heart would beat for Starsky for as long as possible and when Starsky's heart stopped beating his own would surely stop too.

They continued to hold each other close, hoping and praying for a miracle. Would they ever stop crying?

"Would you know my name
if I saw you in heaven?
Will you hold my hand,
if I saw you in heaven?

Will you help me stand,
when I see you in heaven?"
ERIC CLAPTON

Tears in Heaven - Prelude - part 1

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Starsky's POV

~~~~~~~~~~~

It's just a headache Hutch...really.

I was just a headache, one that wouldn't go away. Hutch kept after me to see the doctor, said he never knew me to have headaches, especially ones that lasted as long as this one. It was going on three weeks that my head was hurting. It wasn't real bad, just annoying. I put the doctor appointment on hold. We were working hard and putting closure to a couple of cases we had been on for some time. Still feels good to get the bad guys.

Hutch and I got a couple days off and decided to just hang out, watch some TV and maybe go to the beach a day or two. No special plans. That's the way we liked it though, we didn't need to be entertained. Eventually we would find ourselves at Huggy's for a burger and some beer before going either to my place or to Hutch's.

I think it was a Thursday. My head was hurting again. I didn't want to tell Hutch...I know how he worries. Ever since Gunther's men got to me he's been like a mother hen. I don't necessarily mind, but I kept telling him that I was okay and that he needed a life too, a life other than worrying about me all the time.

Starsk? You sure you're okay?

I couldn't hide anything from my partner. He knows me too well. If circumstances would have been turned around, I'd have been worried too. I thought maybe I just drank too much beer at Huggy's. We had a good time that night. I even beat Hutch at pool. We watched the late movie when we got to my place. Hutch fell asleep, so I covered him with the afghan my ma made for me and I went to bed.

Starsk! What's wrong buddy?

I woke up around 2am, I was sick. I just made it to the bathroom in time. I didn't know someone could throw up so much, and I didn't realize I was crying...the pain in my head was so bad.

Hutch...my head...my stomach...help me Hutch

He just held me, supported me while I heaved and heaved. It made me think back to two years ago, after I'd been shot. Hutch was there for me all the time. Never complained. Never pushed me. Only loved me.

Think I drank too much at Huggy's tonight Hutch

I knew that wasn't what was causing all this. But what was? I was getting scared. Okay, so I didn't tell Hutch everything. Didn't tell him about the blurred vision, sometimes double vision. Didn't tell him about the numbness in my face or arm...it only happened a couple times. I didn't want to worry him. I was afraid and didn't want to worry myself either. Thought if I didn't make too much of it, it would just go away.

I started forgetting things. Little things. Was it my turn to drive or Hutch's? Who drove the day before? Did I wear that shirt yesterday? What were those things called that I needed to start my car? I was getting worried. I still didn't want to worry Hutch.

Cap'n, my head's been hurting, can you put me on desk duty today?

I was as discrete as I could be, but didn't trust myself being out on the streets. I couldn't let anything happen to Hutch and I knew I wasn't thinking right. Dobey agreed and to my surprise he didn't ask too many questions, just told me to get down to see the nurse. I told him I would, but I didn't. At this point I was too afraid of what a medical professional might find.

The day came when I could no longer deny that something was terribly wrong and could no longer hide it from Hutch. I went into convulsions at work. I don't remember too much about that...I just saw Hutch getting further and further away from me. I tried to call out to him but my tongue wouldn't work. I remember him looking into my eyes as I fell and remember him looking into my eyes when I woke up in the hospital. He looked worried. I knew the doctor must have talked to him.

Tears in Heaven - Prelude - part 2

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Hutch's POV

~~~~~~~~~~

I knew something was wrong. Really wrong. Starsky couldn't fool me. Though he tried. He started getting headaches, bad headaches. They just wouldn't go away no matter what he took or how much he rested.

I'm okay Hutch, really...stop worrying will ya?

I couldn't stop worrying. He didn't know that I saw him popping aspirin all day. He didn't know I saw him holding his head as if it was ready to blow. Didn't know I saw the tears in his eyes. God...the pain must have been so bad. I knew he was protecting me...didn't want me to worry.

I should have pushed him to get to a doctor sooner, but he's stubborn...that's my partner. Sometimes he would wear the same shirt three days in a row. I didn't question him about it because he didn't seem to realize he was doing it. I didn't want to embarrass him. I should have known that when he fell, saying he tripped over something, that he didn't trip, he was losing coordination and his eyesight was probably getting pretty bad too. You

Just don't think that something like this can happen to you or your best friend.

Hutch...my head...my stomach...help me Hutch

He was trembling and holding onto his head with both hands. God, why didn't I just take him to the emergency room right then and there. He was so sick, but he convinced me it was because he indulged too much at Huggy's that night. I'm glad I let him beat me playing pool. It made him feel good. I stayed up all night after I got him settled back into bed, just watching him, knowing something was wrong, but what?

Get some oxygen on him! Start an IV of Ringer's Lactate! Support his head! Make sure his airway is open! 10mg IV Valium stat...!

I was so scared! He was kind of lethargic all day, dropping things, making so many mistakes on the reports he was typing that we almost ran out of paper. He looked at me, trying to tell me something, but no words would come. He grabbed his head and started to seizure...I ran over to him and supported his head so he wouldn't hit it on the floor. He was making

Choking sounds and I was scared to death that I was gonna lose him. I grabbed something to put into his mouth so he wouldn't choke on his tongue. I was never so glad to see those paramedics.

The doctor talked to me just a little bit before I was able to see my partner. He didn't say much, didn't have to, I saw it in his eyes.

Something was wrong, terribly wrong with Starsky. He said they would have to admit him to the hospital and run some extensive tests. I was scared but I was gonna be strong for Starsky...for my friend.

Tears in Heaven - prelude - part 3

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Starsky was moved from the emergency room directly to the intensive care unit. He had seized two more times in the emergency room and was now on a continuous IV med. in an attempt to stop them. The seizures took everything out of him and left him in a postictal state, unable to speak, weak and disoriented.

Hutch almost collapsed when he saw Starsky in the ICU. He looked so small and fragile lying in the bed, tubes and monitors attached everywhere imaginable. (This can't be happening...God...he fought so damn hard after Gunther's attack...hasn't he been through enough?)

Starsky was still "out of it" when Hutch came to see him after the nurses had him settled. He was drooling from the corner of his mouth and his eyes were open, but seemed to be looking at nothing. The Valium had him pretty zonked. The side rails near Starsky's head had been padded as a precaution in case of another seizure. He did seem to sense the presence of his partner, even in his delicate state. He grasped Hutch's hand weakly, needing the contact of the only person who could comfort him.

Hutch took note of all of the equipment surrounding his partner and memories of another time came back to him when he stood at Starsky's bedside, not knowing the prognosis, but at least last time they knew the cause. They were still in the dark with this one.

The first night at the hospital was rough. Hutch was allowed to remain at Starsky's bedside. The nurses remembered the two from previous visits and knew that it was better for each to be with one another.

At times Starsky would wake and call weakly for Hutch. Begging him to make the pain in his head stop and crying when it became too much to handle.

"Just stay with me, Hutch, okay? I'm scared and I don't feel very good...Hutch...."

"I'm right here...I'm not leaving ya...try to get some rest for me, okay? I promise I'll be right here."

Hutch gently stroked his hand through the curls on Starsky's temple and forehead letting him know he was close and helping him to relax. Once Starsky was asleep Hutch sat in the chair next to the bed, holding his friends hand and praying for yet another miracle for his partner. How many would they be granted?

Starsky had two more seizures during the night. Hutch watched as his friend's body became rigid and convulsed and he lost all control, becoming incontinent each time. The medicines were increased and the seizures stopped.

Tears came to Hutch's eyes as he observed his partner and thought of all he had been through, was going through now, and would have to go through in the near future. He winced when he overheard the evening nurse reporting to the night nurse to "watch Mr. Starsky closely, he's in critical and guarded condition... Oh and his friend Ken is allowed to stay with him...someone should be with him...just in case."

Tears in Heaven - Prelude - part 4

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The next morning Doctor Jarasek, a neurologist, came to speak with and examine his knew patient. Starsky requested that Hutch be able to stay with him and asked the doctor to tell Hutch everything, knowing that his memory had been failing him lately.

Doctor Jarasek did a total examination of his patient and carefully observed Starsky's neurological status, checking for decreased strength in his arms or legs, speech difficulties, memory loss or confusion, mental alertness, tremors and visual problems among other things.

Starsky tried hard to follow the doctors commands, but this was one test he was failing miserably at. His could remember some things like where he lived when he was a kid, but could not remember what kind of car he drove, who the president was or the year. His vision remained to be a problem as it was becoming more difficult to see and the double vision was making him dizzy. He still had numbness in his arm and on one side of his face, was still nauseous and had an excruciating headache.

Hutch watched nervously as the doctor wrote several orders and took several notes. The nightmare seemed to be getting worse and there seemed to be nothing he could do to help his friend's pain and agony. He could only be there for him.

"Well, David, I'm going to order some tests and more lab-work which will hopefully tell us more of what is going on. We'll be keeping you pretty busy today. Do you have any questions, David?"

"Can you please order something stronger for pain? My head's killing me and can you make sure the nurses know that it's okay for Hutch to stay with me? Doc, you have any idea what might be wrong?"

"I'm sorry, David, the tests will tell us what we need to know and I'll give the results to you as soon as I get them. I will order something stronger for the pain and from what I have heard, the two of you are pretty much inseparable, but I'll let the nurses know just in case someone new comes on duty."

"Thanks, Doc."

"Sure David, now I want you to get as much rest as you can. I see you had a pretty rough night last night and I want to borrow your partner for a few minutes, we won't be too long."

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"Mr. Hutchinson, you'll find I am very direct. I'm not at all comfortable with my findings on your friend. His condition is very fragile. We will be doing a lot of testing on him today. I hope to have all of the results by late this afternoon and should be able to tell you more at that time."

"Doc, do you have any idea what is happening to my partner? Why his head is hurting him so much that he is vomiting? And the seizures...God doc, I've never seen him going through anything like this before...any idea what's causing them? I just want you to tell me that he's gonna be okay. I can't lose him doc. He's my best friend, my family...he's really all I have...please help him."

"We'll do everything we can for David. From the symptoms he has exhibited thus far...well, it is possible that your friend is suffering from a brain tumor. We won't know how serious it is until we run further tests. I'll talk with you as soon as possible after I get some results. I promise."

Hutch didn't know what to say or what more to ask, the words 'brain tumor' rang out over and over in his head. He decided not to tell Starsky of his conversation with the doctor until they were sure. He had to be strong in front of Starsky and strong for him, but he felt himself crumbling inside, feeling his world being taken away from him. He sat in the waiting room by himself for a few minutes to collect his emotions before going back into the room to be with his friend.

Starsky was feebly trying to hold the emesis basin as he was once again vomiting when Hutch entered the room. Hutch rushed to his side to hold the basin for him, rubbing his back, while trying to calm him. He rang for a nurse immediately.

"Hutch...make this stop...please...its making my head hurt worse."

"Try to relax...you feel it slowing down at all?"

"Yeah...it's a little better. Can you ask them to give me something for the pain in my head? I can't take this Hutch and I can't see you! What's happening to me!!!"

Starsky cried and reached for the arms he could not see. His vision was gone, he couldn't see the tears in his partner's eyes, or the torment on Hutch's face, but he could feel his presence.

"Starsky? What do you mean you can't see? When....when did that start?"

"Just now...I can't see anything Hutch...Oh God...am I dying?"

Where's the hell is the damn nurse!!! "No, you're not dying, Starsk, and I'm right here. We're gonna find out what is happening and we're gonna get through this. Try not to be scared, Starsk. I know that sounds stupid cause I'm scared too, but we gotta have faith here...we'll know what's going on by this afternoon. I'm right here...I'm right here..."

The nurse soon arrived to give Starsky a shot for the nausea and for the pain. She told the worried detectives that the doctor said that Starsky's vision might come and go and told them of the tests that had been ordered.

The medicines soon seemed to relax Starsky and once again they held each other, drawing strength, hoping, praying and comforting.

"I must be strong, and
carry on,
because I know you
don't belong
here in heaven."
Eric Clapton

Tears in Heaven - Prelude - part 5

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Hutch's POV

~~~~~~~~~~

Starsky was taken from one test to another and another. I was glad they were doing everything possible but Starsky was having a hard time of things. The x-rays went okay. The EEG is where he started to get agitated, the nurses had a hard time getting the electrodes to stay in place with all those thick curls. The CT scan is where I saw my partner start to sink. The medicine kept his pain at a manageable level, but his agitation was growing. The technician told him he had to lie perfectly still so they could get a good picture of his brain. He tried, he really did. They couldn't seem to get him positioned right on the table and he was starting to hurt again and feel sick. I could see him looking at me through the glass window that separated us. I wanted to run to his side, but was stopped each time. This test was taking forever. He told them he had to go to the bathroom. They told him to hold still, that they would soon be finished. He tried to get up. They restrained him, even his head, so he couldn't move. He began to beg them to let him get to a bathroom. They again told him to lie still. I wanted to break through the doors and just take him away from all of this. The damn tests. The damn hospital. The whole damn nightmare. I saw my friend give up when his bladder could no longer hold its contents. He stopped fighting the technicians. I saw his shame and his tears. His dignity was gone. Their damn test was finished along with my partner's spirit.

Yes, it was the day from hell...and it was just beginning. The tests were completed and Starsky was settled back in his room around 3pm. The nurses got him cleaned up and tried to cheer him up. It didn't work. I couldn't even get a smile out of my once jovial friend. I tried. I even told him I would eat a burrito if it would make him smile. Nothing worked. I turned on the TV for him to watch, but that hurt his eyes. I tried the radio, but he said that it was too loud. It took a couple hours, but I got him talking to me. He cried. Said he was sorry. What in the hell would he have to be sorry for? He said he was sorry for causing so much trouble. I made sure he knew he was absolutely no trouble at all.

The next couple hours seemed like an eternity. We were waiting for the doctor who would have the test results, the answers, and Starsky's fate in his chart. I just held onto my friend. Tried to give him hope and let him know how much he was loved and was not alone. The doctor finally arrived around 5:30pm.

I'll never forget the look on his face, the tone of his voice, the empathy in his eyes, when he told us of the test results...

I'm sorry David....

positive

inoperable

6 months

keep you comfortable

I saw defeat claim my partner's heart once more. I felt sick. This just was not right. I thought they had to be wrong. Thought it had to be a mistake, but seeing my partner so sick, vomiting, hurting, seizing, losing his sight at times and control of his body....I knew. I knew the test results were right, so did Starsky. I think we both knew before we even got the results. I wasn't gonna let him give up though, I'd make him fight. I had to.

I ran to a bathroom. I couldn't let Starsky see my terror. I got sick over and over till there was nothing left in my stomach. I sank to the floor and cried and shook and begged for this to be one huge nightmare. My own heart started to sink but I was going to be strong for my best friend, no matter what. We were gonna battle this thing together.

Tears in Heaven - part 6

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Hutch's POV

~~~~~~~~~~

I wanna go home.

He didn't have to say anything more. If that's what Starsky wanted, that's what he would have. I took my friend home. I vowed that he would get the best care possible. He would have 100% of my time and would want for nothing. If only I could make him live and take his pain from him.

The doctor and nurses gave me special instructions regarding the many medicines that Starsky would need to be given, including the liquid Morphine that was prescribed for his pain and on how to handle a seizure, should Starsky have any more attacks.

The hospital let me borrow a wheelchair for my partner as he was now too weak and sick to walk. I'd carry him if I had to.

I'm taking ya home babe, we'll soon be there and I'm gonna stay with ya for a while. Huggy will be bringing some of my things over later.

Starsky just stared out of the window as we drove home. He hardly said a word, and I guess I was pretty quiet too. He was asleep when we arrived at his apartment.

I got him settled into his bed, almost without waking him. He opened his eyes momentarily, mumbled something and was quickly back to sleep. It seemed like the first 'near' peaceful sleep he had in the last few days. I was real careful to be gentle with him. I'd get him changed later. For now I just laid him on the bed and covered him to make sure he was warm and closed the blinds. I know how the light had been hurting his eyes.

It felt good to be in Starsky's apartment with Starsky in the next room. I called Huggy to bring a cot over for me to sleep on. I'd put it next to Starsky's bed. I wanted to be there if he needed anything, got sick, had pain, or got scared. I just needed to be close to him too.

I started separating all of the meds and supplies that the nurse sent home with us. I wanted to make sure Starsk got all his meds on time. It was like deja vu. I remembered a couple years ago, bringing my friend home after Gunther's attack and separating Starsky's medicines then too...but that time he was recovering...this time...Aw Starsk...

I stopped what I was doing, made sure Starsky was still asleep and okay and went into the bathroom, shutting the door behind me. I couldn't hold it in anymore. I ran the shower so I wouldn't wake Starsk and I lost it. I sank to the floor and cried like a baby. I held a towel against my face so he wouldn't hear me sobbing or hear my anger as I screamed how unfair this was and cursed God for making Starsky so sick and for taking him away from me.

I didn't think I would ever stop crying, but I had to pull myself together. I rested my head on the side of the tub, its cold surface felt good against my now aching head. That's all I remembered...I guess I fell asleep.

Hey sleepyhead. There are more comfortable places to sleep ya know, maybe like the couch.

I had fallen asleep on the bathroom floor. Guess I didn't realize how tired I was. We both had a good laugh...first one in a long time. God it felt good.

Starsk! What are you doing up?

I had to use the john and I was thirsty. I could ask you what you're doing on the bathroom floor holding onto a towel for dear life.

We laughed some more...got down right silly.

Starsky's spirits definitely seemed to pick up now that he was home, and for a little while we forgot about hospitals, doctors and tests. We had each other and things seemed right again. If only we could have stopped time, to stay in these moments forever.

Tears in Heaven - part 7

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Starsky's POV

~~~~~~~~~

The first month I was home I felt pretty good. Sometimes I even thought maybe they were wrong, or I could somehow beat this thing. I didn't want to take my medicines but Hutch made me. I didn't have anymore seizures and the headaches were manageable...guess the medicine was working. I just wanted to believe I was getting better. Yeah, I went through all of the stages...anger, denial, grief, and finally acceptance, then back to anger and denial. It was a vicious cycle. I watched as my partner went through each of the stages of dying...with me.

Hutch gave me 100% of his time. He was so focused on me that he forgot about himself. He was looking so tired, dark circles under his eyes, not eating right, losing weight. He was exhausted...its no wonder he got sick.

Starsky...Starsky where are you? Please don't go away...I need you.

It's okay, Hutch, I'll take care of you.

He was crying in his sleep and delirious with fever. I don't think he knew what he was saying. I sat by his side and sponged him down with cold water, got him to drink lots of fluids and held onto him to ride out the awful nightmares he was having. He was like this for two days. I was scared and felt guilty. I knew he got sick because he neglected himself to take care of me.

Hutch had taped all of the emergency numbers to the refrigerator door. I called Doctor Gregory to come by and make sure Hutch was okay.

Ken is going to be fine, David. You're taking real good care of him. He's got a touch of the bug. He'll be better soon...I promise.

Guess Doc G. could see my apprehension. I was afraid for my partner. He needed rest. I took care of him. He needed to eat. I made him soup. He needed lots of TLC. I made sure he got it. It felt good to take care of my friend. He spent way too much time taking care of me.

Hutch's fever broke the next day. He felt guilty for getting sick and was upset with himself. I told him to 'get over it.' He did. We both rested...I think we slept for the better part of the next two days. I made sure he was eating. He made sure I was eating and resting too.

I didn't tell him that the headaches were back and getting worse and that sometimes I couldn't see. I took more of the morphine than was prescribed...but I needed it, and Hutch needed a break.

Tears in Heaven - part 8

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Hutch's POV

~~~~~~~~~~

It had been three months since Doctor Jarasek put a time limit on Starsky's life. We got a second opinion, even a third. All the answers were the same. We now had less than six months.

I watched as my friend deteriorated. He had lost so much weight...he couldn't keep much food down. The liquid morphine wasn't enough anymore. The nurses taught me how to give morphine injections to Starsky. It broke my heart to see him in so much pain...the needles didn't even bother him anymore, he actually welcomed them.

I had a hospital bed delivered as Starsky was now too weak and sick to get out of bed. He hated it and didn't want it, but I told him it was just to make him more comfortable. He honored and accepted my every word. Where did I get the damn power? I didn't want it! I didn't want Starsky to be sick! Dying!.... Fucking dying!!!

I was feeding Starsky one day when he reached up to stop me with his weak hand. He looked into my eyes and asked me to help him...to help him make funeral arrangements...and told me that he didn't have much, but wanted to make a will.

I dropped the spoon and the bowl I was holding. It crashed to the floor along with my heart.

Hutch? Are you okay? I need you to help me with this buddy. His voice was but a whisper.

I felt his warm hand wipe at a tear that was sliding down my cheek. That brought me back to reality. The reality of HELL!

Don't Hutch...there's nothing else we can do. I'm sorry for letting you down.

Now it was my hand wiping at the tears that were freely falling from my partner's eyes. I told him I would help him. I had to. It was just the two of us....God! "The two of us...."

Damn it! There had to be something I could do!

Last resort...last chance...last hope...

I picked up the phone and dialed.

Dad? It's Ken...I need your help...please.

"Would you know my name
If I saw you in Heaven?
Will you hold my hand
If I saw you in Heaven?"
ERIC CLAPTON

Tears in Heaven - part 9

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Hutch's POV

~~~~~~~~~

I knew my dad had connections and enough money to search for the best doctors, the best new treatments.

I wasn't expecting the response I got.

Ken...I'm so sorry. I'll do whatever I can to help.

Dad took some time off of work and flew out to be with us. This time his visit was welcomed and not tense. He hugged me for the first time I can remember and he let me cry, even though "Hutchinson men didn't cry." I saw tears in his own eyes when he saw Starsky for the first time, so weak, so sick and so frail.

Dad made several phone calls and was referred to a 'Doctor Hill', a doctor who specialized in alternative therapies and experimental treatments and surgeries for the terminally ill. Doctor Hill was willing to take risks that the others were not and he had a very high success rate. We had all of Starsky's medical records released to him. He said he might be able to help Starsky.

Dad paid for Doctor Hill to fly into L.A. and pushed through all of the red tape so Doctor Hill could treat Starsky at Memorial Hospital in L.A. It would be expensive but dad insisted on paying for all of the medical bills that Starsky's insurance would not cover.

It was a Friday, five months after the diagnosis. Starsky was admitted back into the hospital.

Doctor Hill began his investigation into Starsky's case immediately. He ran a few more tests, covering all of his bases.

I sat on the bed aside of my partner who was fading fast. I held ice cubes to his dry lips. He was too weak to drink and no longer spoke. I knew though...I knew what he was saying to me...I only needed to look into his blue eyes. We didn't need any words.

The seizures were back and I didn't think he'd even make it to the sixth month. I prayed that Doctor Hill could help my friend...save his life. It would have to be soon.

Doctor Hill said he was going to try to help Starsky. He explained all of the risks involved in the surgery he proposed. The biggest risk was that he could die on the operating table.

I looked long and hard at my partner who nodded his head telling me he wanted to go through with the surgery. I witnessed the consent form with my shaking hands.

These past five months were both long and so short. Our time was running out. They transferred Starsky to the gurney that would take my partner into the operating room. I was so scared.

We both realized that these could be our last moments together. Forever. God how I loved my friend. I know he was scared too. We had to let go. I stroked his hair, kissed him on the forehead and told him how much I loved him, assuring him I would see him when the surgery was over.

I watched as they wheeled my partner, my best friend...my heart and soul into the elevator and watched as the doors closed. I prayed he would live and told the nurses where I would be so they could come for me as soon as they got any word. I went to the hospital chapel to wait and hope and beg and pray.

I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was my father. He came to wait and pray with me. I was glad he was there. I really needed him, now more than ever.

"Would you help me stand
if I saw you in Heaven?"
ERIC CLAPTON

Tears in Heaven - part 10 (end)