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I didn't know what to do. However, I did know that I was fraking it up. Plain and simple. The crew needed me to be a leader in Bill's absence and I couldn't cut it.
I clearly saw the fleet splintering, but martial law was the best solution I could come up with. Roslyn was not fit to be President. She thought she was a goddess or a prophet, some kind of religious icon and it was all crap. But most of the Quorum of Twelve was so eager to believe her. Why, I have no idea.
Still, I should have handled the situation better. I felt so alone and powerless, drowning in a sea of responsibility with the safety of the fleet in my hands. I had no one to turn to for help except Ellen and I followed her advice. I was weak for doing so.
Weak. Too weak for command. Too inadaptable in a constantly changing situation. Unable to cope with the pressure. Result: civil unrest and four dead civilians.
I saw no way out. When Roslyn escaped, I was almost glad to be rid of her even though I knew that she would try and capitalize on her new religious power to rally the fleet against us. I probably should have had her shuttle destroyed but couldn't bring myself to kill Apollo.
Apollo and I may have despised each other but he was Bill's son. I loved Bill too much to put him through that kind of pain again. It almost destroyed him when he lost Zach. I would never forget the look on Bill's face when he got the news about Zach. It was as if part of him died with his son and he was never quite the same.
Was I being too weak again? Probably. I left Gaeta in charge in CIC and went back to my quarters. I needed another drink to steady my frazzled nerves.
Ellen was there and all she could do was bitch at me. "This is just great," she said in disgust and paced our quarters. "Bill Adama's little baby boy pulls the wool over your eyes and you let him get away scot free." She leaned on the desk, in my face, and punched my shoulder. "You're a laughing stock," she shouted. "You didn't want this command. Don't worry about it. You won't have it for much longer. All because when push comes to shove, you got shoved.*"
I was so tired and I didn't want to argue with her. She wasn't the one who had to watch Bill tear himself to pieces when Zach died. She wasn't the one who had to watch the person she loved go through the hells of losing a child. I put my hands up to partially cover my face. "He's the old man's son.*"
Ellen opened her mouth but I heard Bill's voice from the doorway. "Saul." Ellen and I stared at him. "What's happening on my ship?*"
I stood up. The strain and wear and tear from his injuries were plain. He looked in pain just to exert the energy to stand there but he was the best sight in the universe. He told his marine escort to wait in the hall and I went over to take his arm.
"Ellen, could you leave me alone with my XO?*" Bill asked, but it was clear that it was not a request.
"Of course*," Ellen said quickly and hurried out.
I helped him to a chair and eased him down. "Slowly,*" he said through clenched teeth. He gasped in pain and his voice cracked. "What's happened?*"
I collapsed into the chair next to him. I was ready to confess all of my bonehead mistakes. If anyone could fix them, it was him. "I fraked things up and good*."
"How?*"
"I made some bad calls,*" I said flatly. I didn't want to see his disappointment but I was determined to be honest with him. He would need to know the extent of the damage before he could do anything about it.
Bill surprised me by giving a small, pained smile. "I've done that.*"
I'd served with him a long time and I couldn't remember him fraking up nearly as bad as me. "Not like these.*"
Bill glanced at the bottle of booze. "Are you going to pour us one of those or what?*"
I poured two glasses and held one out to him. "Yeah.*"
Bill stared at me and held my gaze. He spoke slowly and deliberately in a quiet tone that demanded attention. "I never had much use for people who second guess my decisions, especially if they've never held a command and understand the pressure. You make a call that effects the lives of thousands and you have no one to turn to for back up.*"
I knew he would understand my problem and I silently thanked the gods that he didn't seem disappointed in me. I licked my lips. "You make it look easy.*"
Bill brought the glass to his lips and his hand shook slightly. "You know that's a lie now.*"
"A lot of pieces to pick up.*"
"Then we'll pick 'em up together," Bill said with quiet confidence. His eyes were back on my face. "Where's my son?*"
I stared down into my glass. "Gone." I swallowed. "Escaped with the President."
Bill pinched the bridge of his nose. He closed his eyes and sighed heavily. "Lee chose his side."
I touched his hand and felt his warmth. "I'm sorry, Bill." I knew that it probably didn't help much but I didn't know what else to say.
Bill opened his eyes and looked at me. He squeezed my fingers. "It's all right, Saul. We'll get through this together, just like everything else."
And I believed him. It never crossed my mind not to. "Yes, Sir."