Work Text:
Subject: Unidentified blue sphere kills groundhog!
Unidentified Blue Sphere Kills Punxsutawney Phil
frankbparker@yahoo.com
Unidentified Blue Sphere Kills Punxsutawney Phil
By David Lee Rickman II
for the L.A. Times
From the Punxsutawney Daily News: Febuary 02, 2000
Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania (AP)- It was just another cold morning for this small community, home of Punxsutawney Phil, the famous groundhog who predicts when spring will begin.
At 7:28 am, Punxsutawney Phil poked up its head, and was squashed by an unidentified blue sphere.
"It was amazing. It looked like a blue comet.," said one local resident.
According to reports coming in, a blue sphere came out of the sky, and a man in a red astronaut-type suit jumped out after opening a hatch.
Local police had to protect this strange man as groundhog fans tried to take revenge for Punxsutawney Phil's violent death. An hour later, agents from the National Security Agency took the strange man, identified only as Frank, into custody.
Not all see groundhog Phil's death as a windfall. "The squashed groundhog looks like the Virgin Mary.," exclaimed Cathy Johnson, a catholic who came to see the famous groundhog. "Let's clone it!," said one observer.
"I feel the rodent's pain.," said Clinton at a whitehouse press conference.
This newspaper has tried to contact the Amish community for a statement, but they have not answered our e-mails, faxes, or phone calls.
A closed casket memorial service will be held at Glennwood funeral home friday at 3 pm.
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