Work Text:
Title: Forgiveness and reflections
Author: Ceindreadh
Email: Ceindreadh@eircom.net
Rating: FRT 13
Summary: Tony has time to do a lot of thinking after SWAK
Warnings: spoilers for SWAK
Disclaimer. I don't own the NCIS characters, I'm only borrowing them, and I promise to return them in minty fresh condition when I'm finished.
Notes: This fic pretty much evolved out of conversations and discussions I had with FatCat after we'd both *finally* gotten a chance to watch SWAK.
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He nearly died that day, he knows that now. Lying there in the hospital bed, UV lights surrounding him, lips and fingers turning blue as his body tried in vain to suck oxygen into his lungs. He was at his lowest ebb, ready to just give up and stop fighting...certain that it was only going to be a matter of time before his body gave up the fight.
And then Gibbs had shown up, the hero on his white horse, come to save the day.
He had told Tony that he was going to live, and Tony had believed him. He'd figured that the doc's must have told Gibbs that everything was going to be all right, because Gibbs wouldn't lie to him about something like this. And the security and safety that the simple words implied had done more for Tony than any of the antibiotics being pumped into his veins.
Gibbs believed in him, believed that he was going to live, and Tony really hated to let Gibbs down. Even without Tony being aware of it, his body had started to fight back, to repair the damage caused by the pneumonic plague.
It had been several days later, when the danger was well and truly past, and Tony was on the road to recovery, that he found out the truth.
Brad had stopped by for his routine check on Tony's condition and had told him that he was being moved to a regular ward. "I honestly wasn't sure that you were going to make it, Tony," he had admitted. "We were doing the best we could but nothing seemed to be stopping the bug and well, I'll never give up on a patient when there's the slightest hope left, but there just wasn't anything more I could do. And then your boss just breezes in, and I don't know what exactly he said to you, but it must have worked, because from there on in you just started getting better."
Gibbs had been completely unapologetic when Tony had confronted him on his next visit. "I honestly didn't know if you were going to survive, DiNozzo," he had said, a note of concern tinting his voice. "The doc who'd made this bug said you had a 15% chance...maybe more cause you were fit and healthy to start with. I figured if you knew how low the odds were then you mightn't have been able to deal. But I also knew that you've never disobeyed an order of mind. Sure you might argue and grumble and maybe even whine a little. But you've never let me down, Tony, and I'm sure as hell glad you didn't decide to start now."
With a declaration like that, it's hard for Tony to stay pissed at Gibbs. Especially when everything he's said is right. Tony likes to buck the odds every once in a while, but remembering how sick he felt at that point, he has to wonder if he'd have just let go if Gibbs had been more forthcoming about his chances instead of taking his survival as a done deal. Tony's not complaining though. It worked, didn't it? And besides, he doesn't really have the energy these days to hold a grudge or anything.
He's forgiven Kate as well for her lie about being infected. He knows she meant well, and he has to admit that knowing there was somebody else there with him, somebody who *knew* him, was a bit of a comfort through the whole ordeal. Of course that doesn't wipe away the horror and guilt he felt when Kate told him he'd infected her. He'd been lying there feeling bad enough about the whole 'contaminating the office and making everyone get quarantined and burning their clothes' thing, but he'd consoled himself with the fact that really McGee's tie was so ugly that he'd probably be thanking him for getting rid of it, and besides, it was good for people to have to go through the drill, would make them more efficient when a real emergency happened. And then Brad had shown up and things had started getting serious and when Tony had been told it was Pneumonic Plague, he'd nearly freaked out, but again, it could have been worse because at least he was the only one suffering for his stupidity.
And then he found out he'd hurt Kate as well, and the guilt was just unbearable. He could live with being the cause of his own death, but hurting Kate as well because he didn't know better than to open an ambiguously addressed envelope...he felt like a sledgehammer had hit him, and it wasn't just the bug making him feel that way. And when she'd said that wasn't the worst of it, his mind was thinking 'what could be worse than *that*?' and the answer that hit him was, "Gibbs infected as well?" and if that had happened then he didn't think he'd have been able to bear it, the guilt would have smothered him completely. But no, it was just Kate being Kate, and even though he knows she meant well and just wanted an excuse to stay so she could keep sniping at him and distracting him from the fact that he was probably going to die. And even though he'd have probably done something similar if their positions were reversed, every now and then in his dreams he hears her saying it over and over and the guilt is just as bad every time. But he's forgiven her for that, really. And he's not planning on taking that wet t-shirt picture of her and getting it printed onto toilet paper and distributing it round the office, no, he won't do that...not until he's back at work anyway.
Somebody he finds it less easy to forgive is the girl who started all this. Maybe it's all the experience he's had in dealing with real rape victims, but Tony can't really feel much sympathy for somebody who let a false allegation be made. Okay, so the kid had a shitty time with her boyfriend being killed and then being stuck tied to a bed for two days. Boo hoo, Tony's heart bleeds for her, except no, that's not his heart, that's just where he's after spitting up some more blood. And okay, so being tied to a bed for so long might not have been the most comfortable of positions, but when Tony is hunched over an emesis basin and feeling like he's going to cough up a lung, he's a little less inclined to feel sorry for her. Okay, it wasn't her fault her mother went bat shit crazy and cooked up this little plan to get what she perceived as justice, but it still doesn't wipe out the fact that if daughter dearest had told the truth then maybe Momma wouldn't have plotted her little scheme and he wouldn't be lying here and wondering if he'll ever have the strength to stand up again.
And as for the nutcase who cooked up the whole plot, well Tony knows that she's sick, that brain tumor whatever was affecting her mind, but it can't have messed it up too much or she wouldn't have been able to figure out a way to beat the system and get the bug into NCIS in the first place. He does pity her...a little, and in a way he can understand why she did what she did. Heck, if somebody he loved had been raped and it had been covered up, then he'd have done anything in his power to find out the truth. He wouldn't have killed for it though...or would he? If somebody hurt Kate or Gibbs then Tony knows that he'd do whatever it took to see them punished. Thoughts like that make it a little easier to forgive her. Especially now that he knows that she's dying and he's not.
He doesn't forgive McGee.
For the simple reason that McGee has done *nothing* to require forgiveness from him. Abby's told him how Tim has been so worried and fretting over the fact that he was the one who gave the envelope to him, when Tony knows damn well that he practically snatched it out of McGee's hands. And besides, Tony's the senior agent. If McGee had screwed up on *his* watch - and let's not forget that he didn't - then it's still Tony's responsibility. So there's nothing to forgive McGee for, and Tony doesn't even feel like milking McGee's guilt when he gets back to the office. Well maybe just a little bit. Might be worth faking a few coughs every now and then, especially when they're arguing over whose turn it is to go and get lunch.
But Tony doesn't like the thought that McGee's feeling guilty. He's told him before not to second guess himself, that what's done is done. But he knows that it's probably eating away at McGee inside. Maybe that's why Probie has only been to see him a few times in the hospital, and then only with Abby, and then he hardly said a word. Tony's gonna show him that he bears him no ill will. He might even tell some of the girls downstairs that Tim isn't really gay...well maybe he'll only tell a few...the less pretty ones, but they're still sweet kids and if he tells them that Tim is sort of struggling with his sexuality then he's sure they'll do their best to help him out. He might tell them that Tim's into stuff like wearing ladies underwear, though. Doesn't want to make it *too* easy for Probie now, does he? And it should be good for a laugh.
Not that Tony's really been able to laugh much these days. Oh it's not that there's nothing to laugh about, it's just that it hurts like hell to do so. It's not even a case of 'only when he laughs', more like 'only when he breathes'.
Although the bug is officially deceased, and his body working at repairing the damage it caused, Tony still feels like he's gonna hack up a lung when he gets a bad coughing fit. He hasn't been able to sleep through the night without having an episode, but Brad tells him that it will pass. Trouble is, when he's lying in bed staring up at the ceiling and too weak to even sit up without help from the nurses, it's very hard to even imagine that he'll ever be back to his full fitness again. It scares him sometimes just how much he's had to rely on other people. He's had nurses come round to wash him and shave him and while normally he'd have been delighted at all their attentions, he can't help but remember the times they'd had to help feed him as well, not to mention all the other duties.
Knowing that the pretty nurse with the nice smile has just spent the last half hour cleaning you up after you didn't manage to call for a bedpan in time, sort of puts a dampener on trying to chat her up.
But all things good or otherwise have to come to an end, and the day comes when Tony is finally let out of hospital. Or as Gibbs puts it, "The nurses finally got fed up with you, DiNozzo, so they're kicking you out."
Tony's sure that Gibbs didn't really mean it like that. He knows he can be a bit annoying, but they wouldn't be sending him home if he wasn't up to it, right? He's thinking that maybe he shouldn't have exaggerated his well being to Brad, and maybe he should have been a bit more honest about how tired he feels, but it's too late now and Gibbs is driving him home and lecturing him about staying in bed and resting.
And then they're at Tony's apartment and Gibbs is showing him a well stocked refrigerator and telling him there's enough frozen meals in the ice box to last him for weeks, and ordering him to have one a day because he'll be counting them before Tony goes back to work and God help him if there's too many left.
And then he waits until Tony is tucked up in his bed and tells him to leave his mobile within reach and not to go *anywhere*, even to the bathroom without having it with him. "I don't want to find you collapsed on the floor and not able to phone for help," Gibbs tells him.
Tony's sure that he won't need any help, he's feeling a lot more confident now that he's back in familiar surroundings. So much so that the very next day he leaves his phone behind him when he heads for the bathroom. Only it takes him a lot longer to get there than he'd thought and when he's finally finished and cleaned up and everything he has to sit down for a little while before he feels up to making the journey back to his bed. And then he has to take his time making his way back, and what with one thing and another, it's nearly an hour later when he finally crawls back under the covers and he's just about to drop off when Gibbs comes barging in and demanding to know why Tony didn't bring the phone with him. And Tony sees about a dozen missed calls on the phone and it sort of gives him a warm glow to know that Gibbs is looking out for him.
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So Tony's ready to go back to work now, or rather he's bored stiff by his own company. He never thought he'd find himself thinking this, but he'd almost rather have spent the time in the hospital. At least then he wasn't alone with his own thoughts for too long, what with all the nurses and stuff.
But he's been on his own for too long now. Sure Gibbs has called round when he can, except for when he's been working late on a case, which is pretty much most of the time. And the first few days at home, Tony spent a lot of time IM'ing Abby in the lab, except for when she got busy and he was waiting there for ages before she'd be able to reply to him. And Kate emailed him every now and then, usually to tell him to stop sending her emails every five minutes because Gibbs was getting fed up with the message alert tone sounding all the time. And Probie's phoned him occasionally, except that Tony can't really talk a lot without getting breathless, and he doesn't want to let anybody know that because otherwise he'll just be told to stay at home for longer.
That's why he's avoided taking Ducky's calls as much as possible and managed to put him off visiting. Tony knows that Ducky will take one look at him and either ship him back to the hospital or worse, he'll tell Gibbs that he's not fit to go back to work. And Tony wants to go back to work...he *needs* to. He never thought he'd complain about having so much free time on his hands, but all he wants is to sit back at his desk and pretend that life is back to normal and that he doesn't wake in the middle of the night from dreams of being unable to breathe.
He wants to get back to work, to taunting Kate and teasing Probie, to listening to Ducky's rambling stories and pulling on Abby's pigtails. Heck, he even wants to have Gibbs smack him on the head again. He's missed them all and he hopes that they've missed him. Tony's biggest fear is that he'll go back to work and find that they got on so well without him that they don't need him any more. But he pushes that thought away. They *do* need him, really they do.
He's going to go back to work in the morning, and his first day back is going to be really great, he just knows it is.
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The end