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Peja's Wonderful World of Makebelieve Import
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Published:
2020-11-04
Words:
2,134
Chapters:
1/1
Kudos:
8
Hits:
782

So Long Farewell And Amen

Summary:

Blair makes a decision

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Work Text:

SO LONG, FAREWELL AND AMEN
By Nickerbits

 

Jim -

Sorry, Man, but I can?t even start this letter with "Dear Jim." That just seems so hypocritical at this point. Right now, I just can?t afford that sort of thing. I need to let all of this go, as Naomi would say, and simplify my life.

I never would have dreamed that it could have ended this way, but I?ve definitely reached the end of my rope. I have to move on and make a new life for myself while I can still look at my reflection in the mirror. Believe me, that?s going to be tough enough as it is.

I wish I could have stayed and told you all of this in person, but I know how that conversation would have gone. You would have gotten angry, your eyes would have gone cold, your jaw would have clenched and you would have stopped listening to me almost immediately. Your focus would have been entirely on how my leaving would affect the one and only James Joseph Ellison, and the inconvenience it would cause in his life. No thought or consideration given to what Blair Sandburg needs and what he can live with.

I am sorry, Jim, but I just can?t live that way anymore. Ever since the day I met you, every facet of my life has revolved around you. What did you need? What do you want? What makes you happy? I dealt with that, and learned to sublimate my needs to yours because I truly believed that, as I said a lifetime ago, "It?s about friendship."

When I said that, I did truly believe it. Unfortunately though, to survive and flourish, friendship has to be a two-way street. Somewhere in the past year that?s disappeared. Instead of the strongest friendship of my life, lately I find myself living in a borderline abusive co-dependent relationship. The whole universe revolves around you. In order to protect you and make you happy, I?ve just given up absolutely everything I have ever worked for and dreamed of for literally half my life.

Think about it for a minute. I started working toward a doctorate in Anthropology when I was 16. I?m 30 years old now. Yet, for you, I gave up my dreams of those three letters after my name. My dreams of getting tenure and teaching more eager minds about the things I love. My dreams of leading ground breaking expeditions and publishing well respected, scholarly articles and text books. I even gave up three million dollars and a shot at the Nobel Prize for you. I don?t think you recognize or even see the enormity of what everything I sacrificed meant to me. And all because of a stupid mistake that wasn?t even my fault.

When you consider how much I truly gave up for you, Jim think about this. Money, tenure and respect aside, I could have won the Nobel Prize. You?re a cop, Jim. I won?t deny that what you do is very important, and your senses definitely give you an edge. However, in the end you are a cop. Compare how many police officers there are in the world with the number of Nobel Prize nominees.

When the proverbial shit hit the fan, though, the only things that had any importance to you, or Simon for that matter, were "How do we protect Jim?" "How do we make sure Jim isn?t affected by this?" You know, I do recognize the validity of those concerns. However, no one ever gave a thought to the effect this would have on one Blair Sandburg. It was just expected - no, demanded - that I would just take the blame for everything that happened, and watch everything I?ve worked for go down in a blaze of public shame and humiliation. You know how much I?d wanted to get tenure at a respected university. Hell. My reputation is in such tatters now that I couldn?t get a job teaching pre-school kids or acting as a crossing guard.

That is one thing that I would like to make very clear to you, Jim. What happened was not my fault!! Naomi didn?t do anything out of malice either. She was just trying to be helpful. She made a horrible mistake, but she didn?t do it on purpose. I had nothing to do with that, and would have stopped her had I known. When the trouble started, though, the facts of the matter didn?t concern you. The fact that you and I both had been caught flat footed, with terrible consequences on all sides wasn?t important. Keeping a level head, looking at the situation objectively and trying to find the best solution for both of us never crossed your mind. No, you were only concerned with laying blame and throwing accusations whether they were warranted or not. Oh - and making sure that James Joseph Ellison came out of this unscathed. To hell with anyone or anything else.

Tell me, Jim. Are those the actions of one friend to another? From partner to partner? From Sentinel to Guide? When this all started, you went immediately to Simon and told him that everything was my fault, and you didn?t want to work with me anymore. To hell with partnership, friendship or trust. Instead of working things through, you just thrust me out of your life as hard and fast as you could. That?s gotten to be quite a habit with you, hasn?t it? I guess I should be grateful that at least you didn?t throw me out of the loft this time.

The funny thing is, if we had sat down like rational people and discussed what was going on, and what our options were, the outcome would still have been the same. I may have started this whole thing thinking about you as merely a research subject, but I lost my objectivity on the topic a long time ago. Anyone who cared to look would have easily figured out who I was writing about, and there?s no way I could have allowed you to become the unwilling object of some top secret government agency?s research or anything else like that. I care much too much about you to let anything like that happen. That?s way more important than some college degree. But, you didn?t see that or trust me to keep your interests in mind.

Only after it was all over, and I?d sacrificed everything for you did you see fit to think about me at all. No apologies, no expressions of concern or regret for my losses, just that smug arrogance of yours that this was the way things had to be. I was willing to make that sacrifice for you, but you never showed the slightest sign that you were willing to do the same for me.

I guess, in the end, that?s the straw that broke the camel?s back. I could live with being pushed away and frozen out by you. Being accused of betrayal in every way possible. Being kicked out of my home with no advance warning, like an unwanted dog. I was killed, in part, because of your actions, for Gods? sake! Everything I?ve ever worked for lies in smoking ruins at my feet. I?ve forgiven all of this for you, but in the end, it?s all been a one way street. You know, that?s the biggest betrayal of all, and the one I can?t accept.

I?ve heard Simon say that you don?t talk much about your emotions. You show people how you feel through your actions. I used to believe that. So where does that leave me now? You?ve certainly never said that you consider me a friend, Jim, and if your actions over the past year have resembled friendship in any way, shape or form, then everything I?ve ever learned about the concept was wrong. I was taught that friends stood beside each other, and that when times were the worst, that?s when you found out who your true friends were. I certainly found some things out. Instead of standing together and supporting each other, Jim, you were busy throwing me to the wolves - or should I say jaguars?

There is nothing for me in Cascade any longer. I?m definitely persona non grata at the university, and in the academic world at large, for that matter. I can?t go back to teaching and taking classes there. This could give me more time to act as your Guide and ride-along, but there are several problems with that scenario, too.

Without the polite fiction of my ?police as a close society? dissertation, there is no reason to allow an academic to ride along with a police officer. Never mind the fact that we?re talking about a completely disgraced and discredited academic.

As for acting as your Guide, it?s been painfully obvious for a while that you don?t need a Guide any longer. Or, at least, not me. You haven?t zoned or had any trouble focusing your senses for a long time. Trying to give you advice on how to use your senses, or on anything else, for that matter, is a losing battle. It?s one I was getting tired of fighting anyway.

The one time that you really did need a Guide, it wasn?t me you looked to. Incacha had to come back from the dead to guide you in Mexico. That makes me think we?ve just been fooling ourselves about this whole Sentinel/Guide thing so far as you and I are concerned. If I were truly your Guide, why would Incacha need to do anything so dramatic as breaking the mortal veil to fill that position?

Despite Simon?s best intentions - and please do thank him for the effort - becoming a cop and being your ?official? partner isn?t a viable option for me either. I don?t think we need to go into all of the reasons right here. Just suffice it to say that a pacifist, with a disregard for authority and a disinclination to follow orders is no one?s ideal police academy candidate. I have no credibility - what happens the first time I?m called on to testify and the perp?s lawyer brings up my past history of wholesale fraud? Add to that my antipathy towards firearms of any sort, and my resolve that I will not cut my hair, and it?s obvious before we even start that this just isn?t going to work.

Besides, as a regular police officer, I would be expected to partner with you. I just can?t do that anymore. I may still love you, but I can no longer think of you as a true friend and I can no longer trust you. That just wouldn?t make for a very successful partnership.

There is nothing left for me here. I need to get on with my life, figure out what options are still open to me, and what I want to do. The best place for me to do that is some where far away from Cascade and all the memories here. Once I get my house in order and can stand on my own two feet again, I may contact you just to let you know how, and what, I?m doing. I haven?t decided yet. I?ll have to see if the hurt and betrayal fade at all with time and distance.

Don?t worry about me. I have money, and I spent my entire childhood on the road with Naomi, living hand to mouth. I?ll manage. I?ll be traveling with Naomi for a while, anyway. We could both use a friendly face right about now.

Everything I want to keep I?ve taken with me. You can do whatever you think is best with the things that are left. It?s mostly anthropology material and artifacts. I really can?t bear to look at those things right now. That part of my life is over. It?s time to make a clean break and make a future for myself.

I will remember the early parts of our relationship with fondness, Jim. I truly believed you were my friend then, and I?ll cling to that belief. I?m really sorry that that got lost somewhere.

The rollercoaster ride was fun while it lasted, Jim. I just wish that I?d remembered about the sudden stop at the end.

Detaching with Love,

Blair

 

END

Notes:

This orphaned work was originally on Pejas WWOMB posted by author Nickerbits.
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