Work Text:
Series: Part of Missing Scenes (MiSS) but as usual could be viewed as a standalone.
Feedback: Oh, yes, please! I would like that very much thank you. lusciousspike@yahoo.com
Pairing: None... well there is if you go for that and maybe stand on your head and squint.
Spoilers: Possible for S6 and S7
Setting: Anywhere in the mid S7... after one of the many times Spike was hurt.
Author's note: If you haven't read Missing Scenes before you should know that when watching the show I felt that some characters needed to have certain scenes, so finally I stopped whining and decided to do something... write them as individual ficlets. As usual if you like the ficlet and want more to it, then you do so! *grin* but tell me before hand so I can know and read it. Coz more than likely, no matter how much you beg (yes you know who you are... still love you, but it's still no, sorry!) I won't write more to it since I wrote it as a ficlet so it would stop bugging me to make it a story. And my stories tend to get long (that's why I like to do them with help *smooches Farah*)... so not going there! Hope you enjoy and tell! Please no tomatoes!!
Thanks for Farah for the quick Beta!
***
"Can I come down?"
He looked up his eyes lidded and did his best to shrug without jolting any of the numerous wounds on his body. "It's you're home more than mine."
She bit her lip and shuffled on her feet. Her eyes unconsciously went from the man in front of her to the door at the top of the stairs, her mind thinking if it were worth it. She took a deep breath and donned her resolve face and took the last two steps that placed her into the basement completely. It was an easy path from there, another few steps and she was standing in front of him.
"S-spike?" she asked worriedly when she saw no reaction from the vampire when she approached him.
Blue eyes looked up at her. Her chest tightened at the pain she saw in them. How his face had that look that said he was expecting her to lay on him the blame and hurt. She wondered if she had the same look on her face, when she came back, cast at her friends.
After a few seconds when no word came from either of them, Spike frowned. "Red, what are you doing down here?" he asked.
Willow shrugged and inclined to the small cot. Spike nodded and she sat down and looked down at her hands rung on her lap.
"I thought... I mean... would you like to talk?" she spoke quickly.
Spike raised an eyebrow, which was useless since Willow wasn't looking at him. "Uh, not to seem rude... not that I care if I were... but why?"
Willow giggled. Spike was still in there. It was somewhat comforting. Her laughter stopped when she let out a gut-wrenching sigh.
"Now that was impressive... care to elaborate the brooding?"
That time Willow looked at him straight in the eye. Spike pulled back surprised at the raw anguish he saw in those usually carefree green eyes.
"I'm thinking that I'm not the only one that needs to talk here, hmm?"
Willow shrugged. "I'd understand if you don't want to. I mean I thought..." She pointed her hand back and forth. "... you and me aren't that much alike except the whole going evil with the killing, maiming and trying to destroy the world..."
Spike cut in. "Now, now, Red. The destroying world bit is your and Angelus' thing ... I saved the world when I was evil! But the other things..." He smiled sadly.
"Does it help? I mean thinking about the good you did?"
His smile faded. "Only when you use it to think about... instead of the ... other."
"Yeah, the other kinda sucks," she whispered.
Spike looked at her, really looked. The old Willow he knew, the girl whose smile lit the room, was nowhere in sight. In her place was a grown woman that had seen the good and the bad, and had been both. Now she was on the path to becoming something great, Spike knew it. Just like he knew that she was being shaped into something bad with the magic a year ago. She was going to grow to become someone powerful in a short time with the knowledge she held, with the amazing power and the friends that surrounded her. She just needed to see that. To see beyond the pain. He wondered why she picked him to help her.
"Why me?"
She ginned. "You already asked that."
He leaned back against the wall and tilted his head. "And you rambled on in that cute way of yours and got nowhere fast."
"Oh." She blushed and looked down. She pulled at one of the loose strings that came out of the cot's comforter. "Well you've been there..." She looked up her eyes haunted. "You know?"
Spike nodded and smiled tightly. "Been there... still visit regularly."
Willow's look turned into one of concern and worry. "Spike, are you ok?" She waved her hand. "And I'm not talking physically."
She bit her lip to stop herself from gasping when she saw the potent emotion shining from the vampire's azure eyes. They had always been expressive but this time there was something else there. She felt a jolt of something, it wouldn't be a far guess for her to assume that she was the only one to see that in him. Even Buffy wouldn't witness this. He wouldn't let her. Willow knew that Spike tried his best to be strong for Buffy. He had disappeared to come back winning something no one else had ever sought. Punishment.
She knew there was the need to be loved there. Spike was a creature that sponged love and attention. He knew that he couldn't live without Drusilla and that was why he had kidnapped her and Xander and threatened her to 'make her love him again'. Willow remembered that she had actually thought about doing it. But while thinking she wondered if she should cast the spell to make her love him once more or *to* love him. She had that strange feeling that Drusilla never really loved Spike. How could someone stop loving someone as easily as she did?
Willow knew that was not possible to accomplish in such a short time, if ever. Buffy had never stopped loving Angel. And she herself would never stop loving Tara even though she was dead. She even felt tingling in her heart whenever she thought that she would meet Oz one day. Yes, it didn't matter who you love. If you loved with all your heart you never stop. She still had the occasional dream about her and Xander... though she would never tell Xander that.
"Huh, wha?!" Willow jolted at the hand that squeezed her shoulder and the blue eyes that bore worriedly into hers.
"You okay there, luv? I said that I'm pushing my way through them both... but you had this faraway look in your eyes."
Willow felt herself blush. She couldn't help but ask, "Faraway where?"
Spike cocked his head and leaned back against the wall once more, his legs still spread like they were talking about an everyday thing.
"You had the wistful look on you... the one about the past. Roads taken, and what ifs... and the decisive wouldn't have done it any other way. Except the one where my choice was taken from me and I didn't like it so I did something I never even contemplated doing."
Willow blinked. Buffy was right. Spike knew them better than they knew themselves.
"Do you get that way sometimes?"
She felt her heart twist when she saw his surprised look. It was as if he still couldn't believe that she was here to talk to him, with him. Not just to talk about her own problems.
But he recovered fast. Spike does that, she noticed. He adapts. He was more human than most humans she knew. His eyes lost focus for a bit before refocusing on her once more.
"Always," he said sadly. "But it's always the other way 'round with me. See the only thing I don't regret was when my choice was taken from me."
This time she gasped. "But you hate the chip!"
He smiled somehow like he was looking at a young child not understanding. And perhaps that was true.
"I wasn't only talkin' about the chip, but yeah I hated it at the time. But you see, in a way it stopped me from doing more things that I would regret."
"But to take away your will..."
He shook his head to interrupt her. "I always had will, we all do. It's the missing thing that causes us to feel bad about the wrong things we do that made our choices easier."
"How so?" She turned around and raised her legs to sit Indian style.
"It was fun," he shrugged saying simply. "No consequences, no attachments. No fear. It was a rush."
"You miss it," she accused however understandingly.
He nodded as if she discovered something worth the world.
"That's what makes me know that I've made the right choice. I don't regret the soul. It's the first thing I'm really proud of... my first 'real' choice that had nothing to do with the chip or anyone forcing me. I may've did it for love... but I kept it because it was right."
Willow blinked, realization hit her. "You could've removed the soul?"
This time Spike smirked as if he never changed, the same carefree vampire she had met six years ago. Was it so long ago?
"You could always forfeit a prize you know, if you REALLY wanted to. I know I..." He scrunched his face. "... whined and moped about it. But when all things come to pass... I'm glad my nails weren't deep enough to cut it out."
Willow winced. Too much visual for her liking.
"But... you do miss it... the no consequence thing?"
"Don't you?" He raised his eyebrow at her.
She nodded her eyes filling up. "It blocked the pain."
He wiped a tear that went unnoticed by her but she didn't move.
"And..."
"Yeah?"
She knew she should feel ashamed but this was why she came here. For someone to understand. Giles might have understood but... no. She knew he wouldn't have understood... not like this.
"Some part of me liked it. Even before... Warren. The being out of control... in control... doing things I've never did."
Spike's eyes twinkled. "It's always the quiet ones."
Willow glared at him.
He raised his hands in peace. "Hey, like I said been there."
This time Willow had mirth in her eyes.
"Care to share with the class, Spike?"
"Not if you turn Angel's hair purple... wait a sec..." He thought about it. "Nope, not even that."
Willow pouted. "You're evil, you don't want to let me have any fun."
Spike turned serious. "Evil is fun, pet, there's no question about that. But in the end of the day... you're always empty."
"That's why you never killed Buffy?" She grinned good naturally.
"No, that's coz she's good at what she does." They shared a grin.
Willow's smile melted. "How do you get through it?"
He sat up pulling his legs forward and took a deep breath. "Focus on the pain... because sometimes it feels like the only thing that's real. I try to forget... to think of something else... but I remember everything with perfect clarity."
"Then it never goes away?" Willow's voice hitched.
Spike looked at her sadly. "Willow. I'm as new at this as you are in yours. I'm afraid the answers you're looking for you can't find with me."
He was startled to find a head of red hair against his shoulder and two surprisingly strong arms hugging him.
Willow pulled back and green met confused blue.
"But I did Spike. Someone who understands and maybe someone who can share with me this new experience."
He looked at her understanding downing him. "That's why you didn't go to Rupes?"
"Giles helped me, I can't deny that. Yeah I know that he'd been where I am, but he knows. I need someone who's as confused about this as I am. Someone who gets it... not knowing their next step but going through with it nonetheless."
Spike ginned. "Then I'm your vamp, coz I have no idea what I'm doing."
Willow giggled. "And hey, when we get through this new Big Bad, we'll take a road trip and see Angel for some expert tips."
Spike laughed out load. He smirked widely. "And maybe the purple?" He looked at her with child glee, she couldn't help but grin back.
"Sure, if you promise not to annoy Angel too much."
Spike pouted. "You're evil." Then he nodded. "It's a deal then."
"We just have to make sure we live through this." She looked at him because she knew that Spike had felt it as well. This was their biggest fight yet. Its darkness and strength called out to both of them and wasn't the least pleased when they didn't heed its calls.
Spike shrugged and sprawled once more. "We'll get through it. If it's the last thing I do."
They sat in comfortable silence - somehow knowing that this might be the first and last time they do this - with only the sound of girls screaming at whatever nonsense upstairs and their separate unspoken thoughts filling it.
The End...