Work Text:
Lil' Red Notebook
by Abby
Lt. Colonel Sam Carter walked into Daniel's lab and announced to the final member of SG-1 that she was marrying Pete Shanahan.
"What? The cop? Agh."
"What?"
"I, like everyone else on the base except Jack, just lost a bet."
"What was the bet?" Daniel held up one finger of his left hand and with the other he picked up the phone in his lab.
"Walter? Yeah, I need your notebook... Which one? THE notebook, Walter!" Daniel exclaimed exasperated and a few minutes later the technician entered the lab. He passed a simple red covered spiral notebook into the hand of the archeologist and departed again. Daniel opened the notebook with a flourish and read the headings of pages as he looked.
"Terms and conditions...amounts...ah, here it is, all of the people who have placed bets on Sam Carter and Jack O'neill having a romantic relationship." Sam raised her eyebrows in a rather Teal'c-ish fashion and leaned her chin on her hand.
"Go ahead." She said and Daniel began to run his finger down the list.
"I present to you the list of betters both living and dead: Both of the presidents of the United States of America that have been in office during the operation of the Stargate program, three members of the Joint Chiefs, the Secretary of defense, the Secretary of homeland security, the Attorney General (how he found out, I don't know), Siler, the science team of the SGC, the cleaning staff of the SGC, the cooking staff of the SGC, Teal'c, Doctor Rodney McKay, Major John Sheppard, Elizabeth Weir, Malikai (the alien from Alaris), Major Charles Kawalski, Feretti... shall I go on?" He asked mainly because he needed to pause for air.
"Please do." Sam said intrigued
"...all of the members of the SG teams 2-17, Major Valerin, Colonel Chekhov, Svetlana Markhov, Sel'mac, Jacob Carter, all the remaining members of the Tok'ra, the hosts of all the remaining members of the Tok'ra, Apophis, Cronos, Niirti, Baal, Hathor, Yu, Her'ak, Ger'ak, Sokar, Sara O'neill...more?" Again he was losing breath.
"Please."
"...Jonas Quinn, Rya'c, Bra'tac, Ishta, Kar'yn, Neeth, the entire Shavadai tribe, all the remaining members of the Hak'tyl, several minor Goa'uld in the service of the system Lords previously mentioned, Cassandra, Janet Fraiser, all of the nurses in the infirmary... this time I'm not even gonna ask, I just need to breathe." Daniel took several deep breaths and began again
"...Thor, Freyr, Hiemdall, Hermiod, Loki, every other Asgaard we've met there's too many to say them all, the entire replicator population (human-form or otherwise), the entire free Jaffa population, Shau'nauc, Tanith, Tanith's host Hebron, Oma Desala, Shifu, the entire Reetou population, the kid built as an intermediary for the Reetou... I need to breathe again, sorry." He took another series of deep breaths and continued speaking.
"...the entire population of those entities that once took over your body, Chaka and two of his Unas friends, all the members of the Tollan Curia, several ascended ancients, the leaders of the Furlings (we haven't met them, but apparently they know about us), Lya, N'freyu, the rest of the Nox, the Fenri, Binar, and Merrin. And Walter bet against them and all odds that you and Jack would not get involved and he already said what he would do with his winnings if he won, so thank you, Samantha Carter, for helping to settle the national debt." Daniel shook her hand rigorously.
"Walter is going to pay the national debt?"
"Actually the winnings from this bet are a couple billion short, but they have a great start."
"How much money was bet on us?"
"That's written in here, but it's classified."
"Daniel, we're in a high security facility with the greatest secret in the world, nothing's classified here."
"Actually, that's inaccurate, you and Jack merely don't have high enough security clearance to see this notebook, I'm sorry." He closed the notebook and Carter dove across the table for it, but Daniel snatched the simple red notebook away and ran to the control room with the Lt. Colonel in hot pursuit. He handed the book off to Walter with the words:
"Congratulations, you won!" And everyone in the control room made sounds of exasperation, disappointment and cursing, but the sergeant with the red notebook jumped up and down excitedly and yelled. Samantha Carter tried to snatch it away but the sergeant put it behind him.
"Sergeant, I'm ordering you to hand over that notebook." He reluctantly drew it and placed it in the Colonel's expectant hand. She opened to the running amounts page and saw the total. The notebook fell from her hand and she fell backward. Daniel caught her and eased her to the floor.
"I guess we should inform off-world betters that they have to pay up, and some how get payment from the dead betters." He said and the technician began to dial the Stargate.
End.