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Potter Wars
By: Ridia and Chys
It began at the ending. A very long time ago. Somewhere around 1995, actually. That was a terrible year. The 80's had only just let go of their death grip to allow the 90's and PlayStation to overcome society. Little did they know the dreaded New Millennium lurked just around the corner, bearing with it the return of bell bottoms and other 70's paraphernalia... and 80's music NEVER dies. But that is a tale for another day.
For today, we speak only of one wizard of utmost importance. His name is Parry Hotter. I mean, um... Yeah, whatever. Parry is the Chosen One. The Boy that Scored (with Ginny). It is he who must kill that really evil snake guy. (Yeah, you know the one.) And he has a thing against Metatron.
We first join our hero after the death of his father figure. The last one that survived. This isn't saying much, since they all have this nasty habit of croaking. Several farms were owned by his fatherly figures, and one can simply say that James, Sirius and Dumbledore were now all happily pushing up the daisies together.
"OH MY GOD HE'S DEAD! I'll KILL METATR- ER... ALAN RICKMAN!" Parry cried.
"Psst," his ever helpful friend Hermione hissed, jabbing him in the ribs none-too gently, "His name's Snape!"
"OH MY GOD I'LL KILL SNAPE." Parry corrected himself.
However, at that moment, a ghostly head popped up from the white tomb, "That's PROFESSOR Snape!" Dumbledore's ghost insisted.
"Yeah whatever." Parry and Hermione muttered.
"Good. Do your homework. Off to an adventure!" Chimed Dumbledore, cheerfully returning to the Daisy Pushing Club.
Parry and Hermione decided they had to kill Snape, and grab those Whorecrust things. Or something. The snake-dude had to die. Ron was coming with them, when he could stop resting his head on Hermione's boobies. But, Ron, like any man, was obvious in his weak spot, as the drool stain on the witch's robes testified.
"Let us go!" cried Parry, and off they went. Through jungles. And mountains. And strip clubs, bars and red-light districts. Hermione and the boys took a part time job or two. Finally, after several exciting adventures (not recounted here, as memory charms were put in place upon all witnesses after a disaster involving certain Death Eaters and the gang's part time jobs. They still haven't found the stripper pole yet.)
Anyways, after many grueling months of searching, battles were fought, clothes were lost, a baby was born, and the father took off. Sadly, we never saw Ron again, and Parry is still confused how it happened at all.
Through some twist of fate, the final battle drew nigh and at some point or another, ALL HOPE WAS LOST. In the Hogwarts Great Hall... because I say it was. Suddenly, just as Volde-er, Snake-Dude was ready to Avada Kadavra the Hell out of everyone, a shattering was heard from above! SWOOOSH.
A flash of fire, a jubilant cry - and lo, clad in a black trench coat Neo was sure to be missing, swooped in on a hail of glory... none other than... DUMBLEDORE, packing guns he'd swiped from a certain Laura Croft after a one-night stand the week before when she'd invaded his tomb, Dumbledore was totally badass. He killed a lot of Death Eaters and stuff. BANG, BANG, BANG! Haha, dead, fuckers.
"REMEMBER THAT LOVE IS THE SECRET WEAPON!" Dumbledore cried to Parry as he capped a few more Death Eaters (all of who were former students he hated anyways).
Understanding what Dumbledore was saying (for once in their short lives), Parry and Ginny promptly made noisy love on the Slytherin table. However, when the only results were that Voldem-er, yeah, you know, put the videos up for sale on eBay they decided to rethink their tactics.
They regrouped! They grinned! They had it all in the fucking bag and a copy of the video, too. Voldy knew he was done for! But he pulled his last trick from up his sleeve. Or his ass. Or something. He might have gotten it on eBay too. "HARRY!" he cried, throwing a hand up defensively, "I did not kill your father!! I *AM* YOUR FATHER!"
"NOOOOOO!" screamed Parry, and, in an act of desperation, he used a rusty butter knife to sever his own left arm, which consequentially had been discovered to be one of VoldyMoldy's WhoreCrusts; Ravenclaw's butter knife, anyways. Chucking the bloody dead limb at the Lord of Dorkness, he cried, "YOU AIN'T MY FATHER BITCH!"
The hand started to float and bitch slapped Voldy then hit the floor and ran off to meet its secret lover, The Hand of Glory. The Five Finger Tango just wasn't doing it for that hand anymore anyways.
So Snake-Dude screamed all like, "FUCK NOOOOOOO!" And in a Vader-eqsue type ending he like, died man.
Anyways, they were victorious, Dumbledore laid a few bitches, and then found out one of the bitches was really Ron in drag. They fell in love and became a threesome with Hermione.
I forgot about Alan, so he's back into the story. "OH MY GOD YOU KILLED MY DARK LORD YOU SONS OF BITCHES I LOVE YOU." and he gave Parry flowers and boinked with Dumbledore, Hermione and Ron on the Hufflepuff table (trust me; there was much huffling and puffling). "Oh, God!" Snape cried.
"Yes, Alan?" God asked wearily as Metatron bugged him again. God damnit (oh wait he WAS god, Damnit.) would Snape/Alan/Metatron/Half-Blood Prince never stop bugging him?
In the throes of passion, Snape asked, "Can I bum $5 and a condom?"
"Okay." God said. And they were happy. God sold the tape on eBay.
With all their problems solved, they decided to celebrate Nebraska style. Because America doesn't get enough props in those damned books anyways. You'd think it didn't even exist. GOD. ("WHAT NOW?").
Anyways, they all filled into a Nebraska diner for pie. They took the Hogwarts express. Over the ocean. What? Don't believe me? WELL IT WORKED. Everyone loves pie. Especially Parry. He kinda thought he ate too much, though, because suddenly, his chest started to hurt! He cried out in pain -SUDDENLY, ripping free of his chest cavity... a GREEN TOAD! Parry slumped over, presumably dead, a strange expression on his slack features as the bloodied toad pulled his way from the defiled corpse, only to reach back in, pulling out a black top hat and cane where upon he began tap dancing upon the diner's counter while singing, "Hello, my witchy, hello my Weasley, Hello my quidditch gal!"
Ginny was overwhelmed with tears as no one had ever done anything as romantic as popping a studio mascot out of their chest to serenade her with song. Happy as can be, she picked up the little fellow and kissed the warty little bastard on the head, racing off into the night with her new love, Trevor.
The End.
Ridia: This is, of course, my serious prediction for the happenings in book 7. I believe every word of it. Chys is still skeptical. I'll win him over in time.