Work Text:
Title: Two Men, a Fish and a Rutabega
Pairing: Sam/Josh.
Category: FRT-17. No sex. Which considerably annoys Josh.
Spoilers: None
Disclaimers: I don't own them. I just take them out for air.
Notes: This was a story for a list challenge. We had to do a story involving Sam, Josh and kids, plus there was another vague challenge revolving around Piaget, rutabegas and fish giving people the evil eye. So here is my take:
"Hey CJ." Sam entered CJ's office. "Hi, Gail." He waved to her fish, which ignored him."What do you want at 10.00 on a Friday night, Sam?"
"Have a little problem." Sam dropped on her desk and tickled the goldfish bowl. Gail wriggled into the greenery in a huff."A problem that involves me? Sam, I have to go home in ten minutes and I can't be late!"
"It won't take long. I just need you to find out who leaked the details on the rider to 527."
CJ stared at Sam in disbelief. "You're kidding me. Now?"
"Er, yeah."
"It could take a while."
"Yup."
"And what are you doing now?"
"Well, I'm going over to Josh's place to watch the ball game replay."
"Uh-huh." CJ eyed Sam for a moment. A slow, cruel smile appeared on her face. "Well, guess what, Sam. There's a tv at my place. You're going babysitting."
"CJ!"
"I have a five year old niece I'm going to look after for the night while my sister is away. Her name is April. She's very intelligent, very pretty and she should make your life hell for a few hours, which I hope she does."
"But Josh and I - "
"You can maul Josh to death another time, Sam. Here are my keys. I do this for you and you look after April. That's the deal. And if you two so much as lay a finger on each other when she's there, I will personally hand you over to the Child Abuse Squad."
Sam sighed. He bent down and looked into the fishbowl for inspiration. Gail shook her tail at him angrily as she darted round her tiny domain. Her eye looked right into Sam's, and there was a quality about her gaze that made him uneasy.
"Even Gail is on your side," Sam said as he pointed to the fish.
"Gail is a barometer of my every mood. Don't cross her."
"Okay." Sam got up and took the keys. "See you in a few hours, Cruella."
"Have fun." CJ picked up her phone.
Sam walked dismally back to his office to pick up his coat. Josh was there, feet up on the desk.
"Toby's gone home. Are you in the clear?"
"Not quite. We have to go to CJ's place."
"But I thought we were watching the ball game, and you know, doing other things that might pop out."
"Well, you'll have to shove 'em back in, cos we're not. We're babysitting her niece for a few hours."
"Sam!"
"Listen, Josh, there's nothing I'd rather do than go home with you and fuck your brains out, but I made a deal with CJ, and besides, Gail was threatening me."
"She's a goddammed fish!"
"No, seriously, Josh, that fish was giving me the evil eye. You'll have to come off the boil. Cmon, let's go."
"Think of me all night, turned to 'simmer'," Josh protested.
Sam gave him a quick kiss. "There's always tomorrow."
He turned off his light, and they left, leaving a flabbergasted Toby standing just inside his office door, forgotten coat in hand, staring after their retreating backs.
Five minutes in April's company was enough to dampen Josh's ardour anyway. That kid was a pure demon. She wriggled on Josh's lap, she spilt milk on his shirt, pulled his hair, and she peppered them both with questions.
Sam was quite impressed, but then he'd been smarter than Josh. He hadn't sat down.
"You know, you're pretty smart, April," he said.
"I'm VERY smart. Mom says. I bet I'm smarter'n you."
"I wouldn't go that far."
Josh laughed amid the debris of milkshake. "You've blown it now, kid. Sam was doing his first thesis at five, weren't you, Sam?"
Sam ignored him. "April, what makes the wind?"
"The trees."
"How do you know?"
"I saw them waving their arms."
"How does that make the wind?"
April waved her arms. "Like this. Only they are bigger. And there are lots of trees."*
Josh snorted. "That sounds dumb to me."
Sam gave Josh a look. "Classic Piaget. Children have their own logic to explain the world. With the knowledge she has, that's pretty good reasoning."
"Whatever." Josh was getting bored, and frustrated. He got up and went to the fridge. Its contents failed to inspire him. A six pack of Coke, some stale cheese, half a cold pizza and an unidentifiable, round vegetable. He took it out and tossed it at Sam.
"What do I want with a rutabega?"
"Play ball. Nothing else to do. Can't do what we want to do anyway."
"Me! Me!" April shouted, dancing round. "I wanna play!"
"Okay." Sam threw the vegetable gently at April, who caught it, turned round, and threw it hard at Josh, who wasn't ready. It hit his midriff with a satisfying thunk.
"Ow!"
"Sorry, Josh." April smiled.
Josh walked over to her, tossing the swede from hand to hand. "You know, April, I was almost killed by a - "
"Josh."
Josh sighed. "Yeah, okay. Forget it. Let's watch tv." He sat down again on the couch and flicked the remote.
"Yay!" April climbed up on Josh's lap and snuggled her head down on his chest.
Sam smiled. "Very domestic, Josh."
"Point is, I don't want to be domestic right now. I want your ass."
"That's funny!" April giggled.
"April, go to sleep and forget what I just said."
"Okay." She closed her eyes. Within seconds she was asleep.
Josh looked at Sam, who came to sit next to him. "Are we ever likely to have kids?"
"Well, unless they find a way - "
"You know what I mean."
"I haven't given it much thought. Why, you think it might be a good idea?"
"Could be nice, one day." Josh put his arm round Sam, drew him close and kissed him gently. April snuggled down between them. Three hours later, CJ opened her door to find two grown men and a five year old child asleep in each other's arms on the couch.
*This IS classic Piaget. I pinched the story from a biography of him.