SquidgeWorld Archive

When I was on Earth, I'd look forward to things. My main goal, my want, the dream of my life. Just to get away.

But when I was first on Andromeda ... I donno, whenever I got assigned work, I'd just, kinda, stopped doing it. I didn't want to screw it up. Fuck it like everything else I'd been involved with.

And even if I did, finally, get finished, I know I'll break it. Destroy it someway or another. Make it useless or destructive. I really did only the minium, unless I'd gone over the procedure, over and over and I was -positive- that I was doing something okay.

People, too. I know if I hang around them long enough, they'll see it. They'll see what a horrible person I am and leave. Cause I know when I'm getting annoying, I can see it. Then I just get frantic, trying to prove I-don't-know-what to I-don't-know-who. Tell even more stupid jokes and hope that maybe they'll look past my almost insulting comments.

I can see it wearing down on Beka and Trance.

Especially Trance. I purposely stayed away from Rev, he doesn't know anything about me, and I really don't ... worry about him. But Trance...

She just seemed so nice, ya know? Like she was so kind, I could be my annoying self around her, and she'd still care. She'd still want to be around me, but ever since we came on board Andromeda... She's just gotten tired of putting up with me. I was so careless around her. With other people, I give them `Harper-Breaks' at appropriate times, just in case they got tired of me faster then when I got tired of them.

But with Trance,when I had a problem or something, I'd just go to her, and kinda ask for her help, I guess. And that took it's toll. No one wants to hear my whinnying.

And this last thing, with the Magog; this was the final straw. Who wants to worry about a loud, annoying, almost dead human?

... She says she cares about me, and I know I care about her; if I heard she was infested with Magog eggs, I'd be researching like crazy, trying to come up with anything...

Maybe that's my problem. I act like everyone who's important to me is ... a part of me. Like they deserve the same amount of attention. From my experience, no one else is stupid enough to do that. And it's stupid to be around someone like that.

That's why what's happened with Tyr ... it's just so bizarre.

I was completely myself with him. I knew he wouldn't care about me, and I didn't really want him to be a close friend or whatever.

I thought that if I could get all of `me' out of the way with him, they'd all be able to stand me. The ... the craziest thing happened. Tyr hung around more. It was so weird. At first, I thought I was just imagining it, but...

Shit, I talked about anything that passed through my head when I was around him. Like, Piccso's finger-painting probably sold for more then his real artwork. Or how Beka's music collection was getting more attention then this quest to restore Commonwealth.

I mean, sometime's he'd comment on it, but most of the time he'd just sit there, almost absorbing it. I used to wonder why, coming up with really stupid reasons, just to be able say my theories to him. Like, he'd remember the most annoying parts of our talks-- excuse me-- my ramblings, during a fight and use that for more strength.

I'm making it sound like we hung out a lot, but we really didn't.

But when we did, I'd have a -lot- of Harper bottled up, so I'd get a lot of ground covered. Just odd thoughts that'd been bouncing around my head.

Now, I don't know what's really happening. I don't know if he likes me or if he just needs to meditate and he just happens to do it around me.

Whatever it is ... I really don't mind