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A/N: English isn't my first language and I'm the only one that went over it yet... so be kind if you find any mistakes and tell me in a friendly way... I'm sure I'll keep it in mind for future fics and will correct it in this one...
Confessions
He knew what Catherine felt, could feel her putting a distance between them and he didn't want to let her go, but no matter how much he wanted her in his life, he was afraid of going the next step. He was burnt the last time he had been willing to commit and lost everything he cared about other than work. He was still chased by the vision of his daughter following him through the lab and he always had to tell himself that she would be grown up by now and having her own life to live and he could never see her again or ask her how she was.
Gil Grissom cursed his bad luck that took his daughter out of his reach. He felt like betraying her, like giving up on her if he commits to Catherine and her daughter fully, like replacing her and this might just cost him even more.
He'd first seen this clearly after she came back from Miami. She didn't need to say anything for him to know and no matter how often she claimed he was blind to the feelings of others, he saw them clearly - he just didn't know what to do about them or how to express his own on a matter. Making a decision that would change his life and would hopefully keep him from loosing something he had just found, he hoped that things would work out.
The following morning he waited for her to appear for their usual breakfast after she had brought Lindsey to school. He knew that today would be a difficult day and it would decide about their future. After thinking long and hard about everything that happened in his life and his relationship with Catherine he had decided to tell Catherine about what he had lost and how scared he truly was.
Several photo albums were lying on the table next to the plates while he prepared the last bit of breakfast, nervous about what was to come.
He was just setting everything on the table when he heard keys in the lock opening the door. By now he had worked himself in quite a frenzy although it wasn't visible in his demeanour, something he had perfected over the years. He only hoped that this admission didn't come too late.
He saw the raised eyebrow and question on Catherine's face when her gaze landed on the albums. He looked down on them and took a deep breath. Today Catherine would see a new side on him, one he rarely let out anymore.
Ignoring them for now they went about breakfast at first until Catherine couldn't control her curiosity any longer and peeked into the top album coming to face with a picture of a smiling Grissom together with a blond girl who looked a few years older than Lindsey.
Before Catherine could ask who the girl was Grissom put his cutlery aside and coughed to get the attention of her.
"I figured I should tell you something to explain my behavior a bit more. Why I'm the man I am today," started Grissom.
He motioned Catherine to take a seat on the nearby couch and took the albums with him.
Sitting down next to her and placing the albums on the table in front of them, he took the one Catherine had peeked into a few minutes ago and opened it.
"It all started when I was 17. I was already working on being a CSI, although it had a different name than and didn't contain quite as much as it does today as many things still had to be discovered. I was still in school and I managed to get the envy of many of my classmates. I had managed to get a girlfriend that was older, much older than me and quite beautiful. Back then age was coupled with experience after all. Unfortunately things didn't work out the way I had believed they would."
He watched Catherine raise her eyebrow and continued, "It turned out that she wanted a promotion and a raise but was ignored in favor of someone with a family. She deduced that she needed a child and choose someone she thought wouldn't want anything to do with a child as she wasn't interested in any relationship with all its baggage and didn't want any arguments about visitations and such. Needless to say that I wanted something to do with my daughter and she reluctantly let me help after she realized that there was more work involved with a child than she thought," explained Grissom until he was interrupted by a confused Catherine, "Baggage?"
"She doesn't think much about men other than a useful tool if she wants or needs anything. She's... I can't say anything that wouldn't be insulting to describe her and after all these years it still feels wrong to say anything bad about the mother of my daughter," explained Grissom.
Receiving a nod of understanding he continued, "I spent most of my free time with her since her mother was busy with work and when she was older I occasionally took her to work with me. When she was 13 she told me that she wanted to stay with me and she told her mother too. What followed was a lawsuit against me on the case that I'd be talking her mother bad in front of her which ended with a restriction order for life. No contact, no investigation, no nothing."
He could hear Catherine's gasp at this, but ignored it, wanting to get this over as soon as possible, "I tried to get an appeal, but it didn't get through. Shortly after my last attempt failed I asked to be transferred and buried myself in work. It was all I had left after all. The worst thing was that the last time I got to see my daughter was the day before she turned 14, three days before my birthday. I have no doubt that her mother had something to do with the date; she knew how to play her cards after all. I still miss miss my daughter and wish that she could be here with me."
Catherine nodded her understanding, although she was confused why he was telling her all this, but before she could ask Grissom said, while blatantly looking down in his lap, staring at the photo Catherine had seen at the breakfast table, "Whenever I think about offering to move together I feel incredibly guilty as if I'm leaving her behind as if I'm replacing her and am reminded of her face when I had to leave."
Now she understood, he was explaining his differing closeness and distance.
"You know, we'd never try to replace her and I doubt that we could and we wouldn't send her away if she happened to suddenly appear. I'm sure Lindsey would be ecstatic to have a sister," explained Catherine, a nagging voice asking her how he knew that she was starting to doubt their relationship in order to realise that he needed to open up.
For the next few hours they looked through the pictures, Grissom commenting on them and telling a few anecdotes before both of them decided that they were in desperate need of sleep. They'd have to go to work that night again after all.
END