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Peja's Wonderful World of Makebelieve Import
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Published:
2020-11-04
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1,538
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1/1
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6
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1,165

Pretty Much Gone

Summary:

Fandom: Navy NCIS
Pairing: Gibbs/DiNozzo, plus Ducky's perverted fantasy
Rating: adult for slash, homophobia and guys being guys
Distribution: How much do I owe you for hauling it off?
Spoilers: for Bete Noire, and scroll to the bottom for other fandoms which would spoil the fic.
Email: exfilia at livejournal dot com
Disclaimer: Bellisario owns them, but he has no idea what they get up to when he’s not looking

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Work Text:

Pretty Much Gone
by Exfilia

Donald Mallard later blamed the whole episode on the hot weather and the traffic. The coroner's van overheated and they turned the air conditioner off, and what with the heat and the boredom and his new assistant in the driver's seat staring at the back of the crime scene van in front of them, Ducky dozed off and drifted into his usual dream, which was far more pleasant than being stuck on the freeway.

"I know you were a pathologist," the president said, "but you're not the only one taking up a new career right now."

"Of course,"

"It's just here." His patient blushed, finger to chest, worried blue eyes fixed on Ducky.

"Indeed," he said. "Well, as your personal physician, I will have to, um, see the affected area...."

Then the dream got really good.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Doin' okay back there, Probie?"

McGee's face appeared in the tiny glass window that separated the cab of the forensics van from the cargo space.

"I'm doing great," he said. "I think we lost a case of evidence bags when we braked, though. Are we there?"

"No," said Gibbs, "we are stuck in traffic on I-395."

"We're on our way to a crime scene," said Kate. "Can't we jump the line?"

"Our crime scene is not an emergency," said Gibbs, "and we do not use emergency signals except...."

"Trust me, Gibbs," she said, "I've traveled in this town with lots of people using flashing blue lights on a non-emergency basis."

"Yeah, and you don't work for them any more, so read your case file."

"What is it?" asked McGee.

"Twelve car pileup in the usual place," said Tony, "plus a chicken truck and a milk truck."

"Is that the usual place before the bridge," asked Kate, "or...."

"And how did you know...?" demanded Gibbs.

"Car radio next door," said Tony. "Can't you hear it?"

Gibbs and Kate glared at him.

"I actually meant our case," said McGee.

"Airman from Dover...."

"We're working for the Air Force now, boss?"

"...found six dead seaman from Groton. The victims have been dead for years, the perp is probably in Honolulu with six kids, and we're in the middle lane of a packed Interstate waiting for D.C. Metro to chase wet chickens, so don't fuck with me, DiNozzo!"

"It was a KFC truck, boss," said Tony. "If any of those chicken parts are running around...."

"With all the preservatives in that stuff, Tony," said Kate, "I wouldn't rule it out. What's Willis want?" Dr. Mallard's probationary assistant was tapping at Gibbs's window. The glass descended a only a fraction, preserving the air condintioned atmosphere.

"You guys got anything to drink in there?"

"Some Gatorade," said Tony, digging in the cooler at his feet.

"Where's Ducky?" asked Gibbs.

"He's, uh, asleep."

"'Uh' asleep?" asked Kate.

"He's... kind of... dreaming."

Tony passed a bottle of Gatorade toward Willis's window.

"Oh, not the blue kind," the man said. "That stuff is just gross."

"I like it," said Kate. "Give it here!" She unscrewed the lid, peeled back the paper cap and sipped at the neon blue liquid.

"That is disgusting," said Willis.

"Says you," said Kate, screwing the top back on her drink.

"Your tongue is blue," said Tony. She stuck it out at him.

"Willis," said Gibbs, "what about Ducky? He's okay?"

"Did you guys know he was gay? How come nobody told me?"

Gibbs and Tony exchanged worried glances.

"Ducky's gay?" Kate sounded almost plaintive.

"What," said Gibbs, "makes you think...?"

"He's got the hots for Martin Sheen, and the way he's moving around in his sleep...."

Tony frowned at him.

"He told you he has a crush on Martin Sheen?"

"He keeps talking in his sleep about the president, and I know he doesn't want...."

"I do not need to hear this," said Kate.

"Me either. Can I ride with you guys?"

"In the back with McGee," said Gibbs. Once Willis was settled in back, Gibbs turned to Tony. "Give me a couple of classic green," he said. "I'm going to check on Sleeping Beauty."

As soon as Gibbs was out of the cab, Kate and Tony were pressed against the tiny window.

"Ducky dreamed," Kate said, "that he was doing it with Martin Sheen?"

"Yeah," said Willis, "and Cy."

"Cy?" asked Tony. "There's a Cy on that show?"

"There's one is Ducky's dream. Cy Long. McGee, what are you laughing at?"

"Nothing."

"If you wanna laugh about it, you can share a room with him next time we have to stay over!"

"Which," said Kate, "may be tonight, if the traffic doesn't clear."

"There was another wreck," said Tony, "at... well, the other usual place. They can't get to it because of this one."

"I'm not sleeping with him," said Willis.

"You've made that perfectly obvious," snapped Tony.

"Not even in the same room."

"Oh," said Kate, "don't be a homophobic jerk!"

"How do I know he's not looking at me? Lusting after me?"

"Trust me," said Tony, "you've got nothing to worry about."

"And you would know that how?" demanded Willis.

"Tony dated a man," said Kate. "French-kissed him in front of everyone."

Willis's eyes were enormous.

"Knock it off," said McGee. "He... she was a pre-surgery transexual, and Tony didn't know it."

"Eyew!" said Willis. "But thank God! I was beginning to think the whole place was lousy with them."

"Them?"

"No, not you, McGee! I know you're not... are you?"

"Not that it's any of your business, but I am actually heterosexual, thank you."

"You don't have to get defensive about it!"

"Traffic's moving," said Tony. They heard running footsteps, and Gibbs bustled back into the cab just in time to drive away.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Gibbs put Kate and McGee to work as soon as they reached the site and stood on a bit of high ground with Tony.

"Willis's not working out," Tony told him.

"He's not Gerald, but who is?"

"He went on and on after you left. He really hates...."

"Us? Tony, no one knows about us."

"Kate does, I think. She covered."

"Don't worry about it. At the end of his thirty days, Mr. Willis just moves on. Go on, get to work. We need IDs on those bodies, and some notion of how Groton lost six sailors and didn't think to let anyone know."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

They did, in fact, wind up staying overnight at a motel near the ramp to the still packed Interstate. Sure enough, Willis joined the rest of them in the Gibbs's room as soon as they were out of the car.

"Please," he said, "don't make me...."

"He's not going to be paying any attention to you," said McGee. "Look what I found at the truck stop when we ate." He held up a DVD in a brown paper bag.

"What's that?" asked Willis.

"Ducky's fantasy squeeze, getting naked with Kevin Costner."

"That is sick!"

"To each his own," said McGee. "Here, give it to him, will you?"

"I'm not touching that!" Willis edged toward the door. "I'll pay for my own room!" he said, and then he fled. Kate plucked the bag from McGee and examined the contents.

"Dances with Wolves?" she said.

Comprehension dawned on Tony's face, and he flopped backwards on the bed, laughing so hard he clutched his sides.

"Ducky," McGee told Kate and Gibbs, "has a Battlestar Galactica fetish. Cy Long? Cylon?"

Kate looked at the back of the DVD case, read the cast list and grinned.

"Is she the one in this with the hair like a bottle brush?"

"We're guys, Kate," said Tony. "After the dress came off, none of us were looking at her hair."

"And you were how old?" demanded Kate.

"She hot in this?" asked McGee, pointing at the DVD.

"There's this one bit," said Tony, "where Costner's, like, gnawing at ...."

"Now that is gross," said Kate. She licked her lips.

"I think I'm gonna go see if Ducky wants to watch this," said McGee.

"Me, too," said Kate. "They rent DVD players at the office, right?"

"You pay for it," said Gibbs.

"Yeah." Kate followed McGee from the room, and the door slowly closed behind them.

"You think we got rid of Mel Gibson Jr.?" asked Tony.

"I expect he'll be applying for a transfer when we get back," said Gibbs. "That a problem for you?"

"Nope."

"Costner was gnawing at what?" asked Gibbs.

"This." Tony slid Gibbs's shirt off and kissed his way across the broad chest.

"Good," gasped Gibbs.

"And then this."

"Oh, yeah!"

Then the door opened and Willis came in.

"Look, Agent Gibbs" he said, "I just wanted to apo...." He stopped, blinked and then staggered back, muttering "Oh, my God, my God, my God!" until he was out the door and gone. It swung closed after him, very slowly, until it just touched the doorframe, not quite latched. Tony's head dropped forward until his forehead rested against Gibbs's chest.

"Yeah," said Gibbs, "I think he's pretty much gone."

"Good," said Tony, and went back to what he'd been doing.

 

The End

And if you did scroll without reading, this fic contains spoilers for the 2004 version of Battlestar Galactica and for Dances with Wolves.

Notes:

This orphaned work was originally on Pejas WWOMB posted by author Exfilia.
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