SquidgeWorld Archive

Forgiven, Not Forgotten (Dear Gabriel...)
by Margaret Brown, aka Phoenyxphiyre


Dear Gabriel,

~All alone, staring off,
watching her life go by,
when her days are gray
and her nights are black,
different shades of mundane...~

I'm not really sure what it is I want to say to you - there's so much that never got said and should have. And so much, I think, that maybe should never have been said at all...

~And the one-eyed furry toy
that lies upon the bed
has often heard her cry,
and heard her whisper out a name
long forgiven, but not forgotten...~

I still think about you constantly. I was angry with you for the longest time - I even told Dylan once that I wished I'd never met you - but now I just miss you and wish things had been different for us. We were so happy, even if only for a few days, and I haven't known anything like it since...

~You're forgiven, not forgotten.
You're forgiven, not forgotten.
You're forgiven, not forgotten.
You're not forgotten...~

~A bleeding heart, torn apart,
left on an icy grave,
in their room where
they once lay, face to face,
and nothing could get in their way...~

I'm actually sitting in your old room as I write this - it helps me feel closer to you somehow. It's been a good day today - the memories of us are the happier ones I have, like that first kiss in the corridor...

~But now the memories of a man
are haunting her days,
and the craving never fades.
She's still dreaming of a man
long forgiven, but not forgotten...~

Some days, all I can remember is the way it all ended. You looking at me so full of hope, ready to fight a losing battle just to be with me for a little while, then that hope fading to sorrow and pain as I force you to admit the whole truth to me and destroy everything we could have had. I still wonder sometimes if we were wrong, if maybe you could have fought the Balance of Judgment's programming and stayed free after all. It's not like I gave you the chance to try...

Dylan says that we did the right thing, that it was what you wanted - to die under your own power as your own man, instead of becoming whatever the Balance wanted to make you. He says to try and think of what I did as an act of grace, the one last thing I could do for you to show my love. I'm sure you'd agree with him - I can even hear you now, trying to make the horror of it all into something bright and noble like one of the epics you loved so much.

Too bad for me that words are such cold comfort when I'm forced to spend eternity with the weight of your death on my shoulders...

~You're forgiven, not forgotten.
You're forgiven, not forgotten.
You're forgiven, not forgotten.
You're not forgotten...~

But I realize now that I didn't write this letter just to complain about the unfairness of it all. I'm also writing this because I want you to know, somehow, that I'm okay. It's hard sometimes, but I'm surviving, maybe even thriving. Everyone's there to help me when it gets really bad, and Dylan...

~Still alone, staring off,
wishing her life goodbye,
as she goes searching for the man
long forgiven, but not forgotten...~

Well, things are... changing between Dylan and I. He's been at my side the whole time, and our friendship is slowly deepening into something more. With his help, I've managed to accept that life goes on even after tragedy, and that it can even still be good.

Ironically, I'd never have the courage to even think about Dylan and I if it hadn't been for you. Somehow, in the midst of all the misery and heartache, you showed me something of what it really means to love and be loved. I'm not the same timid little girl I was before I met you, and that, if nothing else, makes it all seem a least a little worth it.

Part of me feels disloyal to you for loving Dylan like I do, especially so soon after your death, but the larger part of me feels that the best way to honor what we had is to remember what you taught me and go on loving. I'm sure you would tell me to move on with my life and be happy...

And, frankly, I've loved Dylan a long time now, even before I ever met you - though I think you knew that. He's been good to me, Gabriel, and I'd never have made it this long without him...

~You're forgiven, not forgotten...
You're forgiven, not forgotten...
You're forgiven, not forgotten...
You're forgiven, not forgotten...
You're forgiven, not forgotten...
You're forgiven, not forgotten...
You're forgiven, not forgotten...
You're forgiven, not forgotten...~

I guess I just want you to know that, whatever happens with Dylan, what I feel (felt?) for you won't change. That you haven't been forgotten, and never will be.

~You're not forgotten...
You're not forgotten...~

~No, you're not forgotten...~

If you can actually hear this somehow, Gabriel, know that I still love you, and that I'm as happy as I *can* be right now, and happier than I expected to be...


Rommie