Work Text:
Diversionary Tactics
By Scribe
Jack breezed into the kitchen, nodding to his two room mates, who were sitting at the table, drinking coffee. "Morning, ladies."
Chrissy pouted, a look that made many men weak in the knees. "You said you were going to fix us French toast this morning. I love it when you wear that little beret."
"Sorry, I was up late practicing for a mid-term."
"So we gathered." Janet waved a half-eaten muffin at him. "You're just lucky that it's in baking. If you need any suggestions for a term project--try something with chocolate chips, wouldya? And Jack," said Janet severely, "you're going to have to be more careful."
Jack picked up a muffin from the basket on the table and examined it critically, then took a sniff. "Too much vanilla?"
"No, not that. Mister Roper is getting suspicious again."
"Suspicious is Mister Roper's natural state, but he still believes I'm gay." said Jack. "Yesterday he spotted a ten dollar bill on the sidewalk, and wouldn't bend down to pick it up."
"How does Mister Roper not bending over prove he's suspicious, and he still thinks you're gay?" asked Chrissy.
Jack smiled impishly. "He knew I was walking behind him."
Chrissy had to think about that for a minute, but then she got it, and laughed. Jack smiled, though it was more of a gritting of the teeth. Chrissy was a sweet girl, but the laugh was enough to make you want to jam an ice pick in your ear to stop the pain.
"Very funny, Jack," said Janet. "But the fact remains that you're getting careless. He saw you kissing a girl at the Regal Beagle."
"I told him she was my cousin."
"You were TONGUE kissing her."
"I told him she was my cousin from ALABAMA. You girls are going to have to get dinner for yourselves tonight. Larry and I are having a guys night out."
"Couldn't get a date, huh?" said Janet.
"Janet, I'm surprised at you! When you go out on a weekend with just your girlfriends, it doesn't mean that you couldn't get a date."
"It does for me," said Chrissy.
Jack smiled. "And when was the last time that happened?"
Chrissy thought about it. "Never?"
"You're dodging the subject," said Janet. "You're being careless. You left that men's skin magazine laying out on the coffee table, and he saw it when he came in to fix the sink."
"Well, why didn't you just tell him it was yours?" asked Jack.
"Because it has pictures of naked women in it, and I'M not the one who's supposed to be gay," Janet retorted. "Luckily there was an article on gourmet cuisine, with recipes, so I told him you bought it for the articles. He believed me. In fact, he did that eye roll and said why else would you buy it. But that's too close a call."
"One little incident," scoffed Jack.
"What about Wednesday?" asked Chrissy.
"What happened?" asked Janet.
Chrissy started to open her mouth. "Here, Chrissy!" Jack quickly stuffed half a muffin in her mouth. "Carrot-raisin, your favorite. Nummy, nummy, and GOOD for you."
"Chrissy, what did Jack do?" Janet persisted.
"Well," Chrissy mumbled, mouth still full. "He..."
"And you need your milk." Jack pushed a glass of milk up to her mouth, tipping her head back and pouring it in, then rubbing her throat, like a parent trying to get a child to swallow something they didn't like. "Good for your bones."
"Chrissy..." Janet's voice was warning.
"He..." Chrissy sprayed damp crumbs.
"Fruit, one of the four basic food groups!" Jack had grabbed some grapes out of the fruit bowl, and was reaching for Chrissy again.
Janet grabbed him. "Stop it, Jack! My Red Cross certificate has lapsed, and I'm not sure I could do the Heimlich on her when she starts to choke on one of those. Chrissy, swallow." Chrissy did. "Now, spill it."
Chrissy took a deep breath. "Jack had been shopping for a present for the girl he's dating. He wants to put her in the mood." Chrissy winked broadly, closing her eye so hard you'd think she was trying to crush a bug.
"I get the picture. Go on."
"He bought her a present at THAT shop."
"Which one?"
Chrissy blushed. "YOU know--THAT shop."
"Oooh. Fredericks of Hollywood."
"Yeah. Anyway, they have these really neat shopping bags, and Mister Roper came out of his apartment, and saw Jack with it, and wanted to see what he'd bought. Jack tried to hand it to me, and tell him that I'd bought it."
"And you denied it?"
"Of course!" Chrissy sounded indignant. "It was this flimsy bra made out of nothing but red lace and satin. I don't wear that sort of trashy stuff. Do you?"
Janet's eyes shifted. "Of course not."
Jack folded his arms. "Yeah, so if it wasn't for you, and it wasn't for Chrissy, and I'm supposed to be gay, Roper figured that there was only one other explanation. Unfortunately Mrs. Roper was there, and she oo'ed and ah'ed over it, and wanted to see what it looked like being worn. Mister Roper said it would be rude of her to ask to try on a personal undergarment -- he asked ME to try it on, to shut her up."
"You didn't."
"He mentioned the fact that we were two days behind on the rent. All I can say is it's lucky the girl I bought it for is *cough* 'healthy'. Otherwise I might have strangled."
"But not every man who wears women's underwear is gay," said Janet.
"Try convincing Roper of that."
"We're just going to have to figure out a way to once again cement your image as a nice, flaming boy in his mind," Janet warned. "I don't want to risk losing this place."
"I'll think of something," Jack sighed. He checked his watch. "But I have to run, or I'll be late for class. If I'm not on time, all the good whisks will be taken. You know what it's like trying to whip cream with a balloon whisk that's been deflated?" The front doorbell rang. "I'll get it, since I'm on my way out."
He went into the living room, and opened the door. His friend, Larry Dallas was outside. "Hey, Jackie-boy! Ready to go on our chick safari tonight?" Jack saw Mister Roper coming up behind Larry, and a wicked gleam came into his eye. Larry didn't notice. He was too busy gloating about the night to come. "Yeah, you and me--two hot guys, out on the prowl, looking for..."
"Larry," Jack said loudly, "don't be like that! You know that when we go out, I only have eyes for you." Jack grabbed Larry by the back of the neck and kissed him, hard. For several seconds. Larry was so shocked that he just stood there, eyes getting wider and wider. Jack finally let him go, and winked at him. "You know how I feel about you." He pretended to notice Mister Roper. "Oops!" He slapped his own wrist. "Bad Jack! No public displays of affection." He hurried down the sidewalk, calling back, "Have a nice day, Mister Roper!"
Stanley Roper stared after Jack, then looked at the still stunned Larry, and smirked. "Spring is in the air." He went into his apartment.
Shaking himself, as if just waking up from a dream, Larry called after Jack, "So, we're still on for tonight, right?"
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