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Peja's Wonderful World of Makebelieve Import
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Published:
2020-11-04
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1,968
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Rabbits That Turn

Summary:

Fandom: Xena/Hercules
Pairing: Implied Apollo/Muses, Ares/Joxer, Scribe/Jett
Rating: FRT
Summary: Holiday story for my net friends.
Archive: Yes
Status: Finished
Sequel/Series:
Disclaimer: I did not create the characters here, I don't own them. I derive no profit from this effort. I mean nothing but respect for the creators, owners, and the actors and actresses who portray them.
Notes: Song is from Sweeney Todd, the Demon Barber of Fleet Street. Steven Sondheim operretta, HIGHLY recommended. You can rent it at Netflix. Pitch black humor with fantastic music.

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Work Text:

Rabbits That Turn
by Scribe

 


"Rabbits that turn are as fierce as tigers."--Chinese proverb

 

Some Time in the Recent Past

Joxer entered the Halls of War, and Ares immediately saw that something had disturbed his husband. Joxer's usually sunny _expression was troubled. "What is it, Jox? Visiting the Muses usually puts you in a good mood." His brows lowered. "Shinybritches didn't try anything, did he?"

"You WANT an excuse to kick his ass, don't you? No, I told you--nothing but mild flirting and heavy innuendos. He's not stupid. After what you did to that Bacchae who tried to molest me, he's been almost prim--for him, anyway."

"Then what is it? Nothing's wrong with Accord, is it?" An anxious tone had crept into his voice.

"No, Accord is fine. He's just a little more spoiled than he was when we left. You know how the Muses are with babies. He may have learned how to walk, but he doesn't get much of a chance over there, because someone is always holding him."

"Then what it is?"

"Well, while we were visiting, Apollo handed Scribe a new responsibility. Remember that rabbit that I was tending, the one that Gabby ended up barbecuing?"

Ares smiled evilly. "Do I? She started to try to scribble down an idea in the midst of a tavern brawl, and caught a tankard of sour ale in the face. I've had broken ribs that hurt less than my sides did after I got through laughing."

"He's managed to recreate the creature. In fact, he created TWO of them--male and female created he them..." Joxer paused, frowning thoughtfully, then shook his head. "And he handed them over to Scribe. She's now in charge of plot bunnies."

"Why would that have you upset?"

"It was her reaction. She giggled. Ares, you know how it is when Strife giggles. I mean, THOSE kind of giggles."

Ares' eyes widened, and he said slowly, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I make sure he's aimed at someone I really don't like when he gets like that."

"When I left, she was petting them and crooning to them."

"Crooning?"

"Crooning and singing. The crooning was something like 'my Preciouses'. And the singing..." He shuddered, then sang. The tune was simple and lilting, but there was an undercurrent of dread in his voice, "You there, my friend. Come, let me hold you.
Now, with a sigh you grow warm in my hand, my friend, my clever friend." His spoke again. "Then she picked them both up by the scruffs of the neck, and held them up high over her head, and sort of yelled, 'AT LAST, MY ARM IS COMPLETE AGAIN!' Then she left. Ares? That was scary. Even the Muses looked a little worried, and Apollo said maybe he ought to reconsider, and you KNOW that he never admits he's wrong about anything. What does it mean?"

Ares grunted. "It means that we get her a really, REALLY nice Solstice gift, and try to stay on her good side."

Present Day

"Joxer, why is my son smeared from chin to bellybutton with chocolate?"

"I don't know. He climbed out of his cot before we woke up. I found this in his room." Joxer held up a basket, but it was different from any basket Ares had ever seen. All the ones he'd seen before were practical and functional, woven of sturdy twigs or reeds. This one was almost delicate, the handle slender and tall.

It also was pink. "Did Dite leave it?" asked Ares.

"I don't think so, I didn't recognize her power trace. There WAS evidence of other worldly power left behind, but it doesn't belong to anyone I recognize."

"You mean that a stranger got into my child's bedroom?" Ares said ominously.

"Yes, and left him chocolate. Thank heavens it was harmless."

"Are you kidding? You know what Accord is like on a sugar jag. And what's that green stuff in the basket?"

Joxer unraveled a few slender, shiny strands. "I don't know. I THINK it's meant to be grass."

"You're kidding me. Who's in charge of grass? Demeter? Persephone? They'd have kittens if someone tried to attribute that crap to them." Ares picked a chunk of chocolate out of the basket. It was heavily decorated with tiny teethmarks. "What's this supposed to be?"

"Accord hadn't quite demolished it when I came in. It was some sort of statuette made of candy. I THINK it was supposed to be a rabbit. Look," Joxer pointed out a round, pink spot with a dark dot in the middle, stuck to the chocolate. "I think that's its eye." Ares plucked it off the chocolate and sniffed it, then popped it in his mouth. "Ew! Ares!"

"It's sugar, Jox, and I've eaten worse things than rabbit eyeballs in my life." He dug in the 'grass'. "Colored pebbles? Pink, green, orange, red, black... Somebody must've taken a lot of trouble to paint these."

"Oh, those are jelly beans," said Joxer. "Scribe got some of those through the Halls of Time for the last festival honoring Hades. She said something about hollow weenies, but those were only orange and black. They're good."

Ares popped a pink on in his mouth and chewed, then made a face. "Tastes like Dite's perfume, sweetened. Jelly beans? They don't taste like beans, and they damn sure don't dissolve like jelly."

"Don't ask me to explain it. I only pass along information. What else is in here? Oh!" It was almost a squeal. "Look!"

Ares stared at the violently yellow blob. "What the Tartarus is that supposed to be?"

"It's a baby chick, of course."

"They should have let it grow a little more, so there'd be more meat on it. How is it prepared?"

"I don't think it's a REAL chick."

Ares poked it experimentally, then pulled his hand back slowly. "I don't like it. It's unnatural."

"But it's CUTE."

"And some snakes look like pretty bracelets, if you don't know what they're capable of." Ares took the chick out of the basket and put it on the table. "I'm not taking any chances." A dagger flashed, and he looked at the table, where the chick had been cut in two. "Zeus, Joxer, it doesn't have any insides! It's just undifferentiated... Where's the other half?"

"Sticking to your dagger."

Ares quickly shook the yellow glob off his dagger, then stomped on it. He lifted his food cautiously, peering down. "Where'd it go?"

"Now it's stuck to your foot." Ares briskly scraped his sole against the floor, leaving a sticky yellow smear on the stones. "Nice. I'll have the priests clean that up."

"I can think of four people most likely to be responsible for this. Strife would have booby trapped the basket so that... I don't know. Everyone who touched it would glow pink, or smell of daffodils for the next week, or something. If it was Hecate, the damn chick thing would have had claws and fangs. Jayce is on earth, and can't get up here without help." Ares looked at Joxer sharply. Joxer held up his hands, palms out, in a 'not me' gesture. "So that leaves one person. Three guesses who, and the first two don't count. Get one of the priests to watch Accord."

"You're not going to confront her?" said Joxer. "I mean, it's harmless..." *Eeeeeeeeeeee!* Accord ran past the door. He was naked, except for chocolate smears. He was pelting the priest who was chasing him with jelly beans. "It's mostly harmless. And do you REALLY want to mess with her if she's in the mood to create something like this?"

Ares once again examined the brown lump left in the basket. "If she's handing out chocolate, that means that she's had access to a good bit of it herself, and that makes her mellow. Now is the time."

They went to Apollo's temple, and were headed toward the Muses' quarters when they met Apollo in the hall. His toga was sliding off his shoulder, his normally perfect hair was so messed up... Joxer later reflected that he looked a little like that Greg Sanders character Scribe was so fond of recently. And his neck was thickly peppered with hickeys. He gave them a bleary smile. "Dudes. The wenches are in a GOOD mood today! It's, like, all of 'em getting the monthlies at once, but reversed." He spread his arms, chuckling. "It's aaaall good. I think it's all that chocolate. They apparently woke up this morning to find a bunch of chocolate statues by their beds." He shook his head. "Eggs, rabbits, chickens... weird shit, but if it puts them in THIS kind of mood--heeeeeey..."

"Have you seen Scribe this morning?" asked Ares.

"Um, no. I was kinda hoping that she'd have caught the mellow mood, so I might have a chance to sneak a sample while Jett isn't around, but she's been locked up in her room, writing away like crazy. Tartarus, I can hear the quill scratching from outside. Oh, and she's cussing a blue streak, too."

Ares and Joxer exchanged looks, then hurried on. They passed the Muses' quarters, and paused to peek inside. It looked like the aftermath of a good orgy. Joxer, round eyed, whispered, "Why does chocolate look so different when it's smeared on a kid than when it's smeared on..."

"Don't complete that thought," whispered Ares. "So Dite was right--chocolate IS an aphrodisiac. I think we'd better sneak away--quietly." They tiptoed farther down the hall, exiting and going to the little house in the garden that Scribe had claimed.

Joxer looked around. "Something's wrong, Ares. Where are the cats?"

Ares looked around to. "Their hiding in the flora."

"What's wrong with them?"

"There's a Siamese in the daisies over there, near comatose, but still breathing. Judging from the yellow gunk caught in his teeth, I'd say that they already went through the rush, and have now reached the 'crash and get near unconscious' stage of sugar overload."

Joxer had gone to stand under a tree, looking up. "Yes, there's one up here. Here, kittykittykitty..." *bonk* A luridly purple egg smacked him in the forehead. "Ow! Ares, these things are hard boiled."

"I'm glad to hear that. The last thing I saw when we left home was Accord trying to eat a bright green egg--without peeling it. I don't want to think of our three year old eating raw eggs."

As they neared the door, they could hear mutters coming from inside. "...rassen-frassen lop eared bastard gonna do this to me after... *muttercurse* No fucking gratitude! I brought his fuzzy pink butt INTO this world, I can take it OUT again! *growlmumblesnarl* ...supposed to be a day of rest, and I'm writing my fingers off because he takes those big ass buck teeth and nips... You can just quit batting those eyelashes over those googly shoe button eyes--I know what you're capable of. *heeheehee* STOP GIGGLING, OR I'LL KICK THAT PUFF TAIL UP BETWEEN YOUR SHOULDERBLADES! *snicker* Just for that... You know, I wasn't going to make you go into the malls and have to deal with the kids peeing on your lap and kicking you, but now..."

Ares and Joxer took a step back. Ares said, "You know, I think an explanation can wait for awhile." He hooked an arm around his husband and started to lead him away. "I just remembered that the lump of chocolate left in Accord's basket sort of resembles a stick of chalk. Let's go home and get you naked, and see if it can be used to draw designs."

 

The End
Happy Easter!

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Notes:

This orphaned work was originally on Pejas WWOMB posted by author Scribe.
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