Chapter Text
Things Your Cat Wants You to Know
By Scribe
Things Your Cat Wants You to Know
1. If my litterbox is not kept fresh, your shoes are a perfectly acceptable alternative.
2. Why do I get on the kitchen counters? That's where you leave the food--and I CAN.
3. I fart just as much as the dog does--I'm just better at covering it.
4. Yes, there's a reason why you keep waking up with my butt in your face--you shouldn't have complained about my breath.
5. And speaking of the breath--what the hell do you expect when you feed me catfood that's mainly fish byproducts?
6. If I am unaltered, and a female cat comes into heat within five miles, I WILL be having sex. Lots of it. Loudly.
7. And yes, my sex life IS better than yours.
8. The dog isn't the only one who drinks out of the toilet. I just don't do it while you're looking.
9. Yes, I know he's a male dog. He's still my bitch.
10. If you insist on dressing me up in those same sort of ridiculous clothes you stuff the dog into, you WILL find a 'surprise' in your bed at some point.
11. Of course I can talk, but what makes you think that English is automatically the language of choice for a sentient being?
12. If you don't want me climbing the drapes, get venetian blinds. I like those cool pull cords, anyway.
13. If God had meant me to take tub baths, he wouldn't have given me a comb on my tongue, or made me triple jointed.
14. And yes, I like licking my butt. You got a problem with that? At least I look graceful when I do it.
15. It's stupid for you to act outraged when I try to steal your food. If you had a choice, which would you prefer--a ham sandwich, or Kozy Kitten Ocean Delight?
16. Before you bring home a new pet, remember three things: If it's bigger than me, it's a threat. If it's smaller than me, it's food, or a toy. If it's my size, it's competition.
17. When I'm laying on your lap and I start kneading you with my paws, it isn't a charming throwback to my kitten days. I'm checking you for tenderness. That's why you ought to keep my food bowl filled.
18. You bought the pet bed--YOU use it. Your Posturepedic is fine by me.
19. Maybe the dog is willing to forgive and forget, but if you try to take ME for a 'special trip to the vet', you're PAYING for it, as soon as I can walk straight.
20. Yes, I DO think you're an idiot, but you treat me pretty well, and you're so CUTE when you try to play with me.
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