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Peja's Wonderful World of Makebelieve Import
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2020-11-05
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The Saga of the Bobs - Battle For the Ulitmate ZEV

Summary:

A free-for-all battle between the various incarnations of Zev/Xev of LEXX.

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Work Text:

The Saga of the Bobs - Battle For the Ulitmate ZEV
by Valdron

 

Well, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another Sci Fi Deathmatch. I'm Jim Bob Turhok.

And I'm, I say, I'm Billy Bob Truculent!

And I'm Bob Bob Roberts, colour commentator. Well Jim Bob, Billy Bob, I'm really excited about this upcoming match. And not just in a biblical way.

You should be Bob Bob, LEXX has had a lot of different Zev's pass through, and its time to determine the ultimate Zev. Billy Bob, who've we got?

Well, Jim Bob, it's a crowded field. We've got several strong candidates. First up is the Eva-Zev, silver hair, angelic beauty, completely self- absorbed and a diehard romantic. The Zev of four movies and two episodes, giving her a total of ten hours of Zevness.

Woo hee, I feel, I say, I feel excited too, and in a very biblical way. That's old testament if you know what I mean. I wouldn't mind if she climbed my pulpit.

Yes, the Eva-Zev takes lots of showers, woo woo, but she can also lift a grown man with one hand, knock a guys teeth out with one punch, stare down a cluster lizard and outrun a flying insect.

I say, that is, I say we should just call it now and let me congratulate the winner in my own, I say, my own personal way. All hygeinic like, if you know what I mean.

Down boy! Next up, we got Xenia-Xev, also a tough customer. This pretty little redhead can beat a professional assassin to a pulp, fight off raging zombies.

He's talking about you there, Bob Bob.

Shut your mouth!!!

Hey there! I was saying, fight off raging zombies, eat brains, and stare
down a whole passel of rednecks. On sheer count, she's ahead in both eps and hours, being in 18 adventures from the third season, though of course, one of em is a might light.

A course, we got, the New-Xev from third season, dominating thirteen episodes with her personality and erm... Assets.

Isn't she the same one?

Well, you will all notice like that her costume and hair is different, and she's got a tattoo. I'd haveta say that while she's technically the same, we'll have to classify her as another one.

So we got three main Zev's. Woowee. I wanna make a girly sandwich!!! XZX!!! Get me the mustard and mayo!

Hold on now, we ain't finished.

Whut? Plumb my colon, whats left!!!

We got the Lisa Hines-Zev, who features in I Worship His Shadow and Woz. Now, she hasn't done much, but I think we can count on a lot of suppressed rage, a death wish which may give her Kamikaze style impact, and she can definitely kick husband-type ass. So we shouldn't count her out.

Woowee. She shore is purty...

You know, Bob Bob, I've always wondered if there was any truth to the rumour you once tried to marry a stump with a knothole in it?

That was a purty knothole...

......

Well, moving right along, we got us Cluster Lizard-Zev, from Terminal. Where she reverted to type, you might say.

Sure to be a strong competitor Jim Bob. The other Zev's are gonna have to work real hard or she's gonna go through them like a hot knife through butter.

Speaking of hot knives and butter, I got me a...

We aint wanting to hear it Bob Bob. Billy Bob, is that it?

Nosir. We got us two more.

You don't say? That sure is a passel a lot of Zev's. I take it we're all
through with the purty ones?

Afraid so. First up, we got the 'Bowl of Goo'-Zev, from Terminal and
Lyekka.

Well, I say, well, I don't think we're gonna be expecting a lot outta that one. Who else.

We got Little Girl-Zev, from Supernova.

She shore is purty...

......

......

Guys!!!

Well, Bob Bob, we think we're gonna go sit over here. Nothing personal, you know what I'm saying.

Well, that's our line up. Shall we begin?

Yessir, Jim Bob, I'm gonna say that this is a free for all, and not a round robin contest. So they all go in at once and whoever survives is gonna be the winner.

Here they go.

Yep, the Zev's are looking each other up and down. Who's gonna make the first move.

Looks like Cluster Lizard-Zev is the one to watch. Look how they all shy away from her.

Oh wait, Little Girl-Zev is walking right up to Cluster Lizard-Zev.

What courage!

That little girl's got guts!

Lizard-Zev is just looking at her.

I bet she's got some sort of plan. You gotta watch them little girls. My
cousin Buford-

Oh My God!!!!!

Cluster Lizard-Zev has bitten Little Girl-Zev right in half.

The crowd is going wild. Look at the stands cheering.

That little girl's got guts!!! And they're flying all over the place.

Ladies and gentlemen the match is on. The rest of the Zev's are piling onto the Lizard-Zev, look at it thrash.

Well, the other Zev's know its gonna take all of them to stop a raging
cluster lizard.

Oh no! Lizard-Zev has shaken them off. She's looking for her next victim. New-Xev is down!

Looks like it's gonna be a short match after all, Billy Bob.

Wait, wait!!! Ladies and gentlemen, I can't believe my eyes. Lisa-Zev has stopped Lizard-Zev cold.

Yessir, she's leaped straight into its jaws. She's choking it with her body.

Sweet Elvis' Sweat, I've never seen such a display of self sacrifice, Zev saving Xev, what courage, what fortitude.

Look! Xenia-Xev has jumped on the Cluster Lizard. She's riding it like a bronco as Lisa-Zev chokes it.

Lisa-Zev's legs are kicking up a storm. It's gonna be close folks, to see whether Lizard-Zev chokes to death before Lisa-Zev smothers.

Wait!!! Eva-Zev is going to help New-Xev, who's still down.

Well, I guess we learn that all Zev's stick together.

Rasslin Raccoons!!! Eva-Zev is kicking New-Xev.

Eva-Zev sure can kick. One of the first things she ever did was drop kick 790's robot head for a field goal.

Looks like Lizard-Zev is going down!

Yep. She's thrashing around now, but it aint gonna be long.

New-Xev just can't get off the ground. Eva-Zev is kicking her to death. Now she's beating her with a club. What do we have on that club, Bob Bob?

That there club is actually a human thigh bone, first owned by Paw Golene, later inherited, you might say by Xenia-Xev.

Looks like Lizard-Zev is done for. Xenia-Xev has gotten off. She's trying to pull Lisa-Zev free.

Looks like a waste of time, Jim Bob, that is one dead fat girl. Wait, looks like Xenia-Xev has shed a tear for her fallen sister.

Awwwww that’s so sentimental.

Hoo hee, stick a fork in New-Xev, she's been done like dinner.

Xenia-Xev looks over and gives her low cluster lizard growl.

I always knew it would come down to this, Billy Bob. Eva-Zev and Xenia-Xev are circling each other. Ladies and gentlemen, shield your eyes, this is gonna be a catfight to end all catfights. Furs gonna be flying.

And clothes.

We hope.

Eva-Zev has made the first move. The two Zev's are locked together
straining.

Looks like their strength is pretty equal, but Xenia-Xev has more reach.

Xenia-Xev has tossed Eva-Zev, she's coming at her, trying to follow up on her advantage.

Eva-Zev hits a hard right into Xenia's midsection. Ow!!! That's gotta hurt!

Didn't quite stop her though. Guess that was New-Xev's big mistake, that unprotected midriff. Clothes may make the woman here, folks. Xenia-Xev's leather outfit is way superior to Eva-Zev's torn wedding dress.

Now they're wrestling! Ladies and gentlemen, I'm feeling right biblical
right now.

Holy Toledo, did you see that!

I feel the lord coming on, the lord is coming on.

Xenia-Xev has Eva-Zev in a head and thigh lock.

As we saw in Wake the Dead, Xenia-Xev is extremely flexible. Looks like she's got it working for her.

Baby Jesus, rise up, I say rise up now!!!

Wow! I saw a girl in a naked movie do that, but my cousin Leroy Bob tried that with his Sally Sue Bob, and they wuz in traction for a month. He still has to wear that neck brace.

Crippling Catfish!!! Eva-Zev just bit Xenia-Xev.

Blood and Xev bits everywhere!

Eva-Zev's biting chunks out. Xenia-Xev's lost her hold. Eva-Zev's going for the throat!!!! Oh the humanity, the humanity!!!

Tell you one thing, I think this has gotta be a lesson to any man who ever thought about letting a woman get her teeth near his henry johnson.

It's still a savage struggle folks. Xenia-Xev is still punching and kicking for all she's worth. She's doing damage!!!!

Not enough. Eva-Zev is going for her throat. Xenia-Xev is putting up a good struggle, but this game is over folks.

Yeah, she's getting weaker.

Oh oh.

Eva's standing now. God, she's practically got nothing on!

Well, lots of Xenia-Xev's blood, but I can get a hose. Come to me, baby Jesus. Do a sermon on my mount!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I think we have our winner it's......

Leaping Armadillo's!!!

The crowd's gone hushed.

New-Xev is up!!! I plumb thought she was dead!!!

She's got the bone, she's got the bone!!!

Eva-Zev is turning around!

Not fast enough.

POW!!!

Home Run! The crowd is going wild, people are going abolutelivelisiously nuts.

Oh that's gotta hurt!

And Eva-Zev is dropping, faster than a dot com mutual fund during a
sunspot epidemic.

Looks like its gonna be New-Xev after all.

Wait! She's dropped her bone!

She's falling.

She's dropped. Someone get me a life sign reading!

New-Xev is gone. Looks like that was her last gasp.

So it's Eva-Zev after all?

Wait, Eva-Zev has fallen facefirst into the bowl of orange goo.

That would be Orange Goo-Zev.

Those are some disgusting gurgling noises she's making.

If she doesn't wake up, she's gonna drown!

Them noises reminds me of the sounds my cousin Mary Ruth Bob used to make when she was swallowing bullfrogs whole. Them were the days...

Oh oh!!!

Life signs show Eva-Zev has given it up. She's a goner. She's drowned facedown in Bowl of Orange Goo Zev.

Gone as an oppossom on the interstate.

Gone as a cat near a chinese restaurant.

Gentlemen, you know what this means?

Yep, looks like we got our winner. The ultimate Zev.

Yes, the Ultimate Zev is the Bowl of Orange Goo Zev from Terminal and Lyekka.

This brings a tear to my eye.

Heck with it, I'll still marry her.

 

end
E-Mail: dvaldron@mts.net

Notes:

This orphaned work was originally on Pejas WWOMB posted by author Valdron.
If this work is yours and you would like to reclaim ownership, you can click on the Technical Support and Feedback link at the bottom fo the page.