Title: Deep Fear<\/p>\n
Author: Patt<\/p>\n
Beta: Kerensa and Bluewolf <\/p>\n
Summary: Why does Jim seem to be unusually nervous about something? <\/p>\n
Warnings: None. <\/p>\n
Prompt: Why is Jim afraid of deep water?<\/p>\n
Word count: 2,667<\/p>\n
Email: PattRose1@aol.com<\/p>\n
Notes: Thank you to Bluewolf for the prompt and finally thank you to Jen for doing this again this year. A huge hug for my beta\u2019s, (Kelly and Bluewolf) who help me out more than they will ever know. Then again, they already do know. LOL <\/p>\n
Deep Fear<\/p>\n
By Patt<\/p>\n
When Jim moaned in his sleep, it woke Blair up immediately. Jim was having nightmares almost every night and Blair couldn\u2019t figure it out. Jim kept telling him that he couldn\u2019t remember what he dreamed about, but Blair knew he did. <\/p>\n
They were supposed to be happy right now – they were going on a cruise in two weeks and Blair was super excited. He thought Jim was too, but maybe he was mistaken. <\/p>\n
He nudged Jim softly and said, \u201cJim, wake up.\u201d<\/p>\n
Jim blinked his eyes open and said, \u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou were having another nightmare,\u201d Blair responded. <\/p>\n
\u201cAbout what?\u201d Jim asked. <\/p>\n
\u201cI have no idea, Jim. You\u2019re the one having the nightmare, not me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSorry I woke you up, Blair.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cJim, I think we should talk about things and see if we can figure out why you\u2019re having nightmares.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAt three o\u2019clock in the morning? I don\u2019t think so. We have to be at the station at 7:00. I would like to get some sleep between now and then,\u201d Jim grumbled. <\/p>\n
\u201cJim do you not want to go on the cruise in two weeks?\u201d <\/p>\n
\u201cWhat? What the hell does that have to do with a nightmare? I\u2019m looking forward to the time off with you. Stop worrying. Go back to sleep,\u201d Jim ordered. <\/p>\n
Blair went back into Jim\u2019s arms and fell back to sleep. Too bad Jim wasn\u2019t doing the same thing. He was wide awake and found himself feeling something he didn\u2019t usually feel and that was fear. He had to toughen up or he would give himself away to Blair. Blair already knew too much about him. There had to be some things Jim held inside. Jim was still afraid of deep water and just hoped that Blair had assumed he was over it. Jim lay wide awake next to Blair until the alarm went off at 6:00. <\/p>\n
~~~~~<\/p>\n
Conner stood before Jim\u2019s desk and asked, \u201cSo are you looking forward to the cruise, Jimbo?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOf course I am. What do you think?\u201d Jim answered. <\/p>\n
\u201cYou seem a little uptight about it. Are you not comfortable with cruise liners?\u201d Conner asked. <\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t know, Conner, I\u2019ve never been on one before. This will be a first,\u201d Jim replied. <\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s half the problem right there. The unknown always bothers you. Just relax and know it\u2019s going to be fun,\u201d Conner said. <\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s not bothering me, Conner. You\u2019re the one it\u2019s bothering,\u201d Jim said as he got up from his desk to go get some more coffee. <\/p>\n
Blair watched and listened to the entire conversation and realized that Conner might be right. Jim might be bothered by the unknown. Maybe that\u2019s what the nightmares were about. <\/p>\n
Jim came back and sat down and Blair said, \u201cThanks for the cup of coffee, Jim.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, sorry, Chief. I\u2019ll get you one now,\u201d Jim grabbed Blair\u2019s cup and walked back into the break room. <\/p>\n
Conner walked over to Blair and said, \u201cIf I didn\u2019t know better, I would say he\u2019s nervous about the cruise.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, he\u2019s just having an off day,\u201d Blair replied, not wanting them to discuss Jim with Jim so close by. <\/p>\n
Jim gave Blair his coffee when he got back to his desk and said to Conner, \u201cDon\u2019t you have anything better to do?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes, sir,\u201d she replied and went to her own desk and sat down. She was giving Blair the evil eye and Blair knew she might be right, but it wasn\u2019t the time or place to bring it up. Hell, he wasn\u2019t sure anytime was the time to bring it up. <\/p>\n
~~~~~<\/p>\n
That night, after dinner, Blair was looking over some of the excursions for the cruise and decided he would talk some of them over with Jim. <\/p>\n
\u201cJim, I\u2019m paying for some of the excursions ahead of time, do you want to help me choose some?\u201d Blair asked. <\/p>\n
\u201cWhat do you have in mind?\u201d Jim asked. <\/p>\n
\u201cWell, the first one is to swim with the dolphins, doesn\u2019t that sound fantastic?\u201d Blair asked energetically. <\/p>\n
\u201cOut in the ocean?\u201d Jim asked trying not to look alarmed but failed. <\/p>\n
\u201cNo, it\u2019s off shore, in a little bay. We get to swim with them for 50 minutes. It\u2019s something I\u2019ve dreamed about my whole life. Don\u2019t you want to do it?\u201d Blair asked. <\/p>\n
\u201cSure, Chief, we\u2019ll do it. It\u2019ll be fun.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe next thing is for snorkeling. The boat takes you out for about 45 minutes and they know the best places for snorkeling. It\u2019s for four hours. Doesn\u2019t that sound fun?\u201d Blair inquired. <\/p>\n
\u201cNot really, I think the dolphin thing sounds like much more fun.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cReally? You don\u2019t want to snorkel?\u201d Blair asked hopefully. <\/p>\n
\u201cYou can, while I just lie on the beach and soak up some rays, how does that sound?\u201d Jim suggested. <\/p>\n
Blair looked at Jim and realized he didn\u2019t want to go into the water. \u201cJim, are you still afraid of deep water?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m not afraid of anything, I just don\u2019t want to snorkel.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCome here, Jim. Sit down by me. I want to have a talk,\u201d Blair said as he patted the couch cushion beside him. <\/p>\n
Jim sat down even though he knew Blair was going to delve into his \u2018fears\u2019. <\/p>\n
\u201cJim, I was worried that you didn\u2019t want to go on the cruise, but I see now that it\u2019s the water thing. I thought maybe you had overcome it when you had to go into the ocean in the wet suit when we were on that rig. But evidentially you\u2019re still not over it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cJust because I want to soak up rays on the beach doesn\u2019t mean I\u2019m afraid of anything,\u201d Jim growled. <\/p>\n
\u201cJim, the first thing you have to do is admit that you\u2019re afraid. It\u2019s easier to overcome fears if you admit it to yourself. Are you or are you not afraid of deep water?\u201d<\/p>\n
Jim got off the couch and started towards the balcony doors. <\/p>\n
\u201cJim, many people experience this same fear, you\u2019re not alone, but they overcome it with therapy and talking about it. It\u2019s important to figure out why you might be afraid of deep water. I mean did something happen to you while you were young that might have brought this on?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cStop saying I\u2019m afraid. I\u2019m not a coward,\u201d Jim snapped. <\/p>\n
\u201cJim, people who have fears, are never cowards. They have reasons they have fears, we just need to find yours. I need you to sit down and tell me what you are experiencing when you think about going snorkeling.\u201d<\/p>\n
Jim sat back down and said, \u201cI can\u2019t breathe right. It\u2019s like I don\u2019t have enough breath to even swim. I start sweating as soon as I think about it and then the breathlessness starts. Right now, my mouth is dry and my heart is pounding like a bass drum. On the rig that time, I had a full blown anxiety attack. I was able to do what I had to do, but I never wanted to go in the water again.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSo you admit that you do have a fear of deep water?\u201d Blair asked. <\/p>\n
\u201cI guess I do.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s the first step, man. Admitting it is the hardest part. You\u2019ve just conquered the hardest part of the fear. Now, it\u2019s good to try and figure out what caused this fear. Do you have any ideas?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThis is just a guess, but my cousins took me out into the middle of the lake one time and told me they were seeing how long I could tread water. They told me to stay there and tread and they would see how I did. They left me in the middle of a lake towards evening time. I just stayed there and treaded water like they told me to and then it got dark. It\u2019s very scary in the dark. I didn\u2019t know where the shore was. I didn\u2019t know where I should swim to. I was stuck in the middle of the lake and had no where to swim. I was so tired from treading water and I kept feeling fish brush up against me. It was unnerving. Two hours later, my dad and my uncle found me in the spot where they had told me to stay. When my dad pulled me out I thought he would hug me and tell me everything would be all right, but instead he said, \u2018Next time swim to shore, Jimmy\u2019. That was it. I was afraid of deep water from then on. I had trouble in the service and I had trouble in my normal everyday life. Do you know how many times Carolyn asked me to go to the lake? She got tired of asking and just started doing things on her own. I didn\u2019t want her to see my weakness, do you understand?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI totally understand and I\u2019m so happy that you\u2019re able to talk to me about it. One of the hardest things is admitting it to someone. We can overcome this, Jim. I swear. I\u2019m not happy with your dad\u2019s treatment of you or your cousins and uncle, but I\u2019m glad that we know where it started and we can go from there. Imagine a life without that fear and being able to get into the water without any anxiety. It\u2019s going to be wonderful. I swear to you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know it sounds odd, but I do feel better. I feel like a weight has been lifted. I mean, it\u2019s not like I could go and jump into deep water yet, but I admitted it and I\u2019m still here. I was afraid to even say it.\u201d Jim pulled Blair into his arms and just held him close. <\/p>\n
\u201cWe\u2019re going to start working on this right away, Jim. Not tonight, because I think we took a giant step tonight in admitting fear at all. Tomorrow night we\u2019ll start doing some visualization. Before long, you\u2019ll be able to visualize yourself in deep water, followed by actually getting into deep water, I promise.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI trust you, Chief, more than anyone in the world. So I will do whatever it takes to be by your side in the ocean.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know you will. We\u2019ll start tomorrow. Don\u2019t have bad dreams about it but if you do, please wake me up and we\u2019ll talk about them. It helps to talk about things that scare you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThanks, Chief. I will talk to you in the middle of the night if I have a bad dream. Now I think it would be nice if we made love. No talking, no worrying, no being afraid. Just loving each other. What do you think?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI think that sounds terrific, Jim. Follow me,\u201d Blair said as he pulled Jim behind him. <\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019d follow you anywhere,\u201d Jim said truthfully and Blair turned and gave him a very sensual kiss. <\/p>\n
Their lovemaking was full of energy but as Jim hoped, without any talking at all. Blair let Jim be totally in charge and Jim had a very fine time driving. <\/p>\n
Afterwards, they were both cleaned up and lay in each other\u2019s arms and Jim said, \u201cCould we start on some of the therapy now?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay, I want you to close your eyes and visualize a worst-case scenario in deep water. Tell me what\u2019s happening as you visualize it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know already what my deepest fear is. I think that I won\u2019t be able to tread long enough and I\u2019ll sink to the bottom of the ocean and I\u2019ll be fish food,\u201d Jim said very seriously. <\/p>\n
Blair almost smiled, but didn\u2019t. \u201cNow keep your eyes closed. I\u2019m next to you and we\u2019re both treading water. I start to get tired and I tell you I can\u2019t go on any longer, what do you do?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI would grab you and try to swim somewhere, anywhere,\u201d Jim answered. <\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s a nice thought, but we\u2019re in the middle of the ocean, so you know what we both need to do?\u201d<\/p>\n
Jim opened his eyes and said, \u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cClose your eyes again Jim. We\u2019re both side by side, getting really tired of treading water, and I say \u2018Let\u2019s hold hands so we won\u2019t drift away from each other and float on our backs. That way we won\u2019t be so exhausted and we\u2019ll be able to tread more later.\u2019 How do you feel about that, Jim?\u201d<\/p>\n
Jim opened his eyes and said, \u201cI never thought of that. I know how to float, why didn\u2019t I ever think of that?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause you had learned to fear the water and didn\u2019t know that you could handle it. Now, picture us floating, still holding hands. How do you feel about the deep water?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI feel much better. It\u2019s not hard to breathe right now. I\u2019m thinking I can do this as long as you\u2019re with me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat if I wasn\u2019t with you, Jim? What would you do then?\u201d Blair asked. <\/p>\n
\u201cI would think about you lying beside me and I would begin to float on the surface and then I would tread for a while and go back to floating again. I would continue to picture you beside me because you give me strength.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cJim, you say the greatest things to me. I\u2019m glad I\u2019m helping you. How do you feel about us snorkeling now?\u201d Blair inquired. <\/p>\n
\u201cMy heart isn\u2019t pounding like it was downstairs, so I must feel better about it. Could it be this simple?\u201d Jim wondered. <\/p>\n
\u201cYou just needed to focus on what could happen, what will happen and it makes things much easier. We\u2019re not going to be out in the middle of the ocean without a boat. So we have to remember that. We\u2019re going to be with other people, so we won\u2019t be alone. Now, picture yourself, going under the water to see the beautiful fish and coral reefs. Tell me how that makes you feel,\u201d Blair said. <\/p>\n
\u201cOkay, my heart is starting to pound a little bit. Why?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cJim, you like to be in control. You won\u2019t be in control when we go under the water. The ocean is in control, the waves are in control and the sea life is in control. But you have to let loose of your control. Do you think you can do that? Close your eyes again and picture you and me diving below the surface to see the coral reefs. Tell me how you feel.\u201d<\/p>\n
Jim was quiet for a moment and said, \u201cI\u2019m back to normal again. My heart stopped pounding and I like the idea of holding your hand under water. I think I might be able to do this. Do you think that we\u2019ll be able to talk about this every night until the cruise? This might just work.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes, we\u2019ll do it every night until we leave. You\u2019re going to be so ready for this cruise it will seem like you never had a fear at all. I knew you could do this, Jim. I\u2019m really proud of you.\u201d<\/p>\n
Jim pulled Blair closer to him and kissed his cheek. \u201cGod, I love you so much. It\u2019s hard to believe that we weren\u2019t always together.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHave I mentioned lately how crazy I am about you?\u201d Blair asked. <\/p>\n
\u201cThank you for helping me get through this. It\u2019s not nearly as bad as I thought it would be.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou are most welcome, Jim. We\u2019re going to be all set when the time comes for the cruise. Now, what are you going to dream about tonight?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHopefully, us holding hands somewhere. I like holding your hand. It gives me strength. I think I\u2019ll be all right in the nightmare department. Thanks again, Chief.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGoodnight, Jim. Sleep well and wake me if anything happens.\u201d<\/p>\n
They both snuggled closer to each other and before long they were sound asleep. <\/p>\n
Blair woke up at 3:00 and looked over at Jim in the moonlight, and saw a very peaceful look on his face. He knew things were going to be all right and went back to sleep. <\/p>\n
The end<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Title: Deep Fear Author: Patt Beta: Kerensa and Bluewolf Summary: Why does Jim seem to be unusually nervous about something? Warnings: None. Prompt: Why is Jim afraid of deep water? Word count: 2,667 Email: PattRose1@aol.com Notes: Thank you to Bluewolf … Continue reading