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Little What?
\nBy Patt<\/p>\n<\/p>\n
I walked into the first floor restroom at the station because I knew I would never make it to bullpen in Major Crimes. What had possessed me to drink all of that sweetened tea from \u2018Chick Filet\u2019? First of all, it\u2019s full of sugar. If Jim would have been drinking that, I would have been harping on him. I unzipped my bad boy and unleashed him to get rid of the tea. Once I was done, I zipped up and walked over to wash my hands. At that moment, I was graced with the presence of Walker, Miller, Smith and Cummings from Traffic. They had been gunning for me for ages, but I managed to stay out of their path until today. Oh goody.<\/p>\n
Walker smiled an evil smile and said, \u201cWell, look who\u2019s here. If it isn\u2019t the little squirt and for a change, he\u2019s without the big one.\u201d<\/p>\n
All of the men started to laugh and I knew I was going to have to take care of this punk and right then would be as good a time as any.<\/p>\n
\u201cBoy oh boy, it takes so little to make you men laugh these days,\u201d I said wearing an evil grin, myself.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh no, Sandburg, you are always good for a laugh. Believe me, this is just one of the many times we\u2019ve teased you,\u201d Walker said.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, I think that it\u2019s time that I give you all a lesson in life. You might want to rephrase your words from here on in. Now who would like me to start before I go and file my report for sexual misconduct?\u201d I asked puffing my chest out just a little bit for show. I think it was really working, they looked intimidated.<\/p>\n
Miller stopped smiling and said, \u201cWhat are you talking about, Sandburg? We didn\u2019t touch you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh it isn\u2019t that you did anything to me, you said it. And I\u2019m going to report it. I think you guys will be just as embarrassed as I am when I explain it all to you,\u201d I continued wickedly.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ve been here the entire time and I didn\u2019t hear anything said that could be sexual misconduct,\u201d Smith said.<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah, I agree with all of them. You\u2019re nuts and it\u2019s four against one. So there,\u201d Cummings said.<\/p>\n
\u201cThen you won\u2019t mind if I record what is said,\u201d I said quickly, pulling out a recorder that I happened to have in my pocket.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy do you have a recorder in your pocket?\u201d Walker wondered aloud.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe used it in our last case. I was taking it back to Captain Banks. But this time, I\u2019m going to have something on it that he\u2019ll be most interested in,\u201d I said casually.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe\u2019s full of shit,\u201d Walker said as he washed his hands.<\/p>\n
\u201cThen you don\u2019t mind me recording this conversation, am I right?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t care about anything you do,\u201d Walker answered with a growl.<\/p>\n
This growl reminded me of working with Jim. How many times had he growled at me and still lost the fight that we were having? Don\u2019t these big guys realize that us little guys know how to fight with our brain?<\/p>\n
\u201cDo the rest of you agree to be recorded?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n
All three of them said one at a time that they agreed. Smith laughed as he said it, which made me very angry. They thought they were dealing with a food.<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay, I have numerous complaints about what was said today. We\u2019ll cover the first one, first and then move on to the next one. You walked in the door, saw me standing here and called me a name. Do you remember what you called me?\u201d I asked trying not to laugh.<\/p>\n
Walker said, \u201cI called you a little squirt.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy yes, that was it. We\u2019re in the restroom and you called me a little squirt. That takes on all sorts of new meanings while in here. First of all, you must have been watching me if you think I\u2019m little and evidentially you think that I squirt, when I piss. I take offense to both of these words. Little and squirt. You offended me and my body parts. And don\u2019t even try and take it back now.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSandburg, you know I was talking about you, not your dick,\u201d Walker shouted.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, I didn\u2019t know what you were talking about. I didn\u2019t even say anything about my dick, you did. I was doing nothing to you, you walked into the restroom and said, \u2018well if it isn\u2019t the little squirt\u2019, I find this hard to believe you don\u2019t remember saying it, when it was only ten minutes ago,\u201d I said with a smile that they all understood to be wicked.<\/p>\n
Smith glared at me and said, \u201cWhat do you think you can do about it, Sandburg?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFirst of all, I\u2019m going to report you for watching me and knowing the size of my so called dick. Then you will have to explain why you said I squirt,\u201d I added just to make them crazy.<\/p>\n
\u201cWait a minute, wait just a god-damn minute,\u201d Cummings said.<\/p>\n
Walker shoved me back against the wall and said, \u201cShut your mouth, right now.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOr what?\u201d I asked, sounding much braver then I felt.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ll show you little squirt,\u201d Walker said growling as he went toward me. Thankfully, Miller stopped him and said, \u201cYou\u2019re just making it worse, Walker. He\u2019s got this on tape.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy are you so fascinated with how I look, peeing or not? I\u2019ve never wondered about any of you, I just don\u2019t get it,\u201d I explained once again.<\/p>\n
\u201cSandburg, surely you\u2019re kidding, right?\u201d Miller asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, I\u2019m not kidding. You are all talking about a body part of mine and what I do with it. I\u2019m taking offense to that.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOf for fucks sake, Sandburg, we weren\u2019t talking about your dick, we were talking about you. You\u2019re a little squirt,\u201d Walker shouted.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re still talking about the squirting. I don\u2019t like where this is heading. I want an apology from all four of you by 2:00 today, or I\u2019ll file that report I talked about,\u201d I said coldly, standing my ground.<\/p>\n
Walker and Miller looked like they wanted to kill me right then and there, but Smith and Cummings kept them from doing it. Thank goodness, because I really wanted to get upstairs and tell Jim what had happened in traffic.<\/p>\n
Walker finally walked to the door and said, \u201cIf it wasn\u2019t for Ellison, you wouldn\u2019t still be around.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat do you mean by that, Walker,\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe all know why he keeps you around, Sandburg, so don\u2019t try and look all innocent,\u201d Miller said.<\/p>\n
\u201cWow, you guys have moved this in a totally different direction. Now you\u2019re talking about me and Jim Ellison being sexual partners? Is that what you\u2019re saying?\u201d I asked, totally shocked. (Okay, I just looked shocked.)<\/p>\n
Smith said, \u201cWell, everyone already knows, Sandburg, that\u2019s not a news flash to anyone.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ll have you know that Jim Ellison would be shocked. I\u2019m going to have to tell him this was said about him and I\u2019m sure he\u2019s going to be as disappointed in you as I am when he hears about it. We thought people were past that crap. And speaking of Jim, why did you call him the big one? Oh my god, you\u2019ve been watching Jim Ellison? I can\u2019t believe this. Is there something you four want to get off your chest?\u201d I asked, almost grinning, but didn\u2019t, thankfully.<\/p>\n
\u201cNow you\u2019ve done it. Ellison is going to be after us now,\u201d Cummings said.<\/p>\n
\u201cTo do what? We didn\u2019t do anything, this little shit is obnoxious, but not dangerous,\u201d Walker said.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh\u2026 My\u2026 God\u2026 Little shit? You will stop at nothing. I\u2019ve got to go. As I said before, you have until 2:00 to write up apologies or you will be reported,\u201d I said as I pushed my way out of the restroom and rushed for the elevator. I wanted to get on it before they kicked the shit out of me and took away the recording.<\/p>\n
I pushed our floor and sighed with relief. I could hardly wait until I got upstairs to tell Jim. He might or might not like it as much as I did. Jim was terribly over protective, I guess that\u2019s all part of being a Sentinel. I was still in shock that they didn\u2019t take the recording away.<\/p>\n
I got off the elevator and told Jim to follow me. He followed me into interrogation room 2 and I played the recording for him. I was totally wrong about Jim. He laughed his ass off and told me I did a good job handling the idiots.<\/p>\n
Jim then proceeded to take the recording into the bullpen and played it for everyone there. They were all laughing their asses off, including Simon.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo, Sandburg, you think you\u2019re going to get any apologies?\u201d Rafe asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, but it was worth all of the work. I had a blast,\u201d I said laughing along with the rest of them.<\/p>\n
~~~~~<\/p>\n
At 2:00, four patrolmen got off of the elevator and each dropped a sheet of paper onto my desk. I just looked up shocked.<\/p>\n
Walker said, \u201cThere is an apology to Ellison, too.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy thank you for stopping by and not making this harder then it had to have been,\u201d I said graciously, waiting to laugh until they were going down in the elevator.<\/p>\n
As soon as the elevator doors shut, everyone in the bullpen started to laugh and clapped me on the back. I swear, I\u2019m going to have bruises tomorrow.<\/p>\n
~~~~~<\/p>\n
On the drive home, Jim said, \u201cYou were so convincing on that tape that I almost forgot we were lovers. I\u2019m not sure I like that or not.\u201d<\/p>\n
I smiled evilly and said, \u201cTough.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ll show you tough, little squirt,\u201d Jim said as he pulled over to the side of the road and kissed me. He gets to call me little squirt any time he wants.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n
The end<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Little What? By Patt I walked into the first floor restroom at the station because I knew I would never make it to bullpen in Major Crimes. What had possessed me to drink all of that sweetened tea from \u2018Chick … Continue reading