Seek's Prophecy
by Nicole D'Annais

Rating: PG, just to be safe

Pairing: Hints of Q/O

Category: Parody, AU

Summary: What would have happened if Anakin had become a permanent canyon decoration?

Disclaimer: I don't own anyone, much less these fine characters--although I own a couple of action figures of them, does that count? Probably not. Oh well, I refuse to make any money off them in any event, so please don't sue me.

Notes: Blame Mac for her roadkill comment. And then blame the person in a chat who mentioned...well, someone's body part and how talented it was. And I guess you can blame me for putting the two together. Oh, and in case you're wondering, Seek is the little kid who told Anakin "Keep it up Ani and you're gonna be bug squash." If only he'd been right....
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Obi-Wan paced the length of the Naboo cruiser's hallway for the thousandth time. The soft sound of his boots on the smooth metal floor seemed to echo in the silence on board. It was almost as if everyone was holding their breath, waiting for news on the outcome of the race.

He stopped mid-pace, sensing the presence of his Master. Sliding a little as he took off, he ran to the ship's hatch in time to see the shimmering figure of Qui-Gon Jinn appear over a sand dune.

The queen's handmaiden, Padme, followed close behind. From a distance, she didn't appear to be very happy. A second later, R2D2 appeared as well, along with a droid Obi-Wan didn't recognize. They were flanking an even-more-dejected looking than usual Jar Jar Binks.

Tapping his foot impatiently, Obi-Wan waited for the odd group to reach the ship. He wanted off this dustball of a planet, and soon. The absence of the boy Qui-Gon spoke so highly of, combined with the atmosphere of doom that hung over the group, did not bode well for his plans of a hasty departure.

Finally, Qui-Gon reached the open hatch. "Master?" Obi-Wan asked, hesitant to say anything else once he saw the look on Qui-Gon's face. When Qui-Gon didn't respond, Obi-Wan ventured further. "What happened?"

"I'll tell you what happened," Padme snarled and pointed at Qui-Gon. "He killed my future husband!"

Obi-Wan stared at his master in disbelief, but Qui-Gon's look of shock was enough to show he felt guilty for something. "It is true. It is my fault."

"Out of my way, you walking disaster!" Obi-Wan's head snapped around to see the half-finished droid he hadn't recognized shove Jar Jar aside, almost knocking him off the ramp, and step forward. "I hardly see how you can say this is your fault, Master Jedi. After all, it was this overgrown frog who lost the wrench in the racer's engine." In case there was any doubt as to who he meant, the droid jerked a thumb in the direction of Jar Jar, whose head was now hanging so low he looked like a wilted flower.

"I don't understand," Obi-Wan said, shaking his head. "What happened exactly?"

Padme, the unknown droid, R2D2 and Jar Jar all started talking at once. Obi-Wan held his hands up. "Hold it!" Everyone stopped and looked at him expectantly. "That's better. First things first." He turned to the droid. "Who are you?"

"I am C3PO, human cyborg relations, at your service. I was built by Master Anakin, sir, but since he seems to no longer require my services--"

Obi-Wan held up a hand, which stopped the droid's prattle. "Master Anakin?" he asked, turning to his own master. "Who is that?"

Before Qui-Gon could get the nerve to respond, Padme jumped in. "He was going to be my husband! But now...." Her lower lip quivered as she lost her anger, collapsed onto a bench and started sobbing.

The young Jedi stared at her for a moment before turning back to Qui-Gon. "Master?"

Qui-Gon sighed. "Anakin was the boy who raced for us today."

"Oh." And Padme thought Qui-Gon had killed him. "Oh. And now he's..."

"Heesa squished like a bug!" Jar Jar burst out, large tears falling from his eyes onto R2D2's domed head, causing the droid to begin squeaking, then finally running into the Gungan to get him to move out of the way. Jar Jar moved to a corner as far from everyone else as he could get and sat down with the bill of his mouth on the ground, trying to show his shame and sorrow at what had happened.

"So this boy, Anakin, didn't finish the race?"

His master shook his head. "I'm afraid not."

"So your plan failed. And we're stuck here." And he'd be cleaning sand out of his leggings for the rest of his life.

"I don't see another way out, but I'm sure one will present itself."

R2 had moved over to the hatch, but now rolled back, beeping and chirping excitedly. "What is it?" Obi-Wan asked the droid, moving toward the hatch.

"He says 'They're coming! They're coming!'" C3PO supplied helpfully.

Obi-Wan looked out across the desert to see a small blue creature flying toward the ship, along with several very large, very mean-looking creatures. "We've got company."

Qui-Gon joined him at the hatch. "It's Watto."

"What who?"

"Watto. He owned the boy. And now...I'm afraid he owns this ship as well."

"You killed my future husband and gave away my ship!" Padme yelled as she advanced on them. "What are you going to do next, sell me into slavery?"

Privately, Obi-Wan wondered for a second if that was such a bad idea, but he thought it unwise to voice that opinion. "Your ship?"

Padme rolled her eyes. "I'm the Queen, you morons! I thought you'd at least figured that out."

"I knew it!" Obi-Wan shouted, then turned to R2. "Pay up."

"But you're a handmaiden," Qui-Gon said, his brow furrowing deeply.

She stared at him. "Exactly how do you get to be a Jedi Master? Please tell me it doesn't involve powers of observation, high intelligence and lack of ego, or I'll know you faked your way through the test."

Obi-Wan turned back to the two of them, having pocketed the bottle R2 had ungraciously held out. "When we're done with the insults, can someone please tell me what this Watto is exactly, and how we can deal with him?"

"He's a Troidarian," Qui-Gon explained. "They're immune to mind control, so we can't use that option. And we have no more money."

"Surely we have something we can trade?"

"What?" Qui-Gon shook his head. "He owns the ship, he owns the pod, or what's left of it, and I guess technically he even owns that droid, since Anakin built it. We have nothing."

Before Padme could launch another tirade, Obi-Wan cut her off. "We must have something we could use to our advantage. The Hutts like to have servants; perhaps if we could convince him to take a droid or two instead."

"A droid or two instead of a ship?" Padme yelled. "Are you crazy? And besides, they're my droids!"

Obi-Wan gave her a hard look. "Look, Highness, do you want to be stuck on this rock or do you want to get off of here and save your planet?" She blinked and sat back down on her bench without another word.

Everyone turned as Watto buzzed into the ship, followed by his lumbering companions. He weaved his way through the group, then returned to his flunkies. "Get off my ship," he ordered with a wave of his hand.

When it became obvious Qui-Gon wasn't going to do anything, Obi-Wan jumped in. "Look, Waldo--"

"Watto!"

"My apologies. Watto." Obi-Wan bowed slightly. "We haven't been introduced. I am Obi-Wan Kenobi."

"How nice for you. Get off my ship."

Obi-Wan took a deep, calming breath. "Very well," he replied with a heavy sigh. "I was going to offer up our most prized possession in exchange for just this little ship, but if you aren't interested...." He turned toward the cockpit.

"Wait. What is this possession?"

"Only something so rare, so special, that a Hutt would pay through its nostrils for it."

A gleam entered Watto's eyes. "Tell me more about this prize."

"It's almost never found off its indigenous planet, and therefore extremely rare. But it has unbelievable abilities. I have it on the best authority that Hutts prize this type above any other."

"Type of what? You'd better not be putting me on, boy."

Obi-Wan glanced around, then lured Watto over into a corner. "A slave," he whispered.

"Bah!" Watto frowned. "I already have slaves."

"Not like this." He leaned closer, trying not to notice the smell too much. "This is a special slave. A pleasure slave. Born with a natural talent for it." He lowered his voice even further. "I've heard that Hutts will give their fortunes for what this slave can do with his tongue."

"Obi-Wan!" Qui-Gon was at his side in a heartbeat, hissing in his apprentice's. "You are not going to sacrifice yourself to this junk dealer to save us!"

"Of course not, Master," Obi-Wan rolled his eyes as he whispered back. "I was talking about Jar Jar."

Qui-Gon blinked. "How would you know about any abilities he'd have as a pleasure slave?"

"I've been reading up on Gungans, Master." He decided to keep the information he'd learned on the rate of accidental death to himself. "I learned a lot about them while you were gone. It's not like there was much else to do in the middle of the desert with you shacked up at the Skywalker place."

"I was not--" Qui-Gon shook his head. "We'll talk about that later. You cannot send this poor creature into slavery."

"Master? You don't look well." Obi-Wan put his hand on the juncture of Qui-Gon's neck and shoulder. "You look positively faint. Maybe you should lie down." With a little Force inducement from his padawan, Qui-Gon fell to the floor.

Obi-Wan glanced over at C3PO. "You, what was your name again?"

"I am C3PO, human--"

"Whatever. My master is not feeling well. Take him back there to our quarters."

"Yes, sir!" C3PO rushed to grab the Jedi Master's arms and drag him out of the area, followed by a chirping, if not actually helpful, R2D2.

Watto buzzed up in front of Obi-Wan. "I have heard of these Gungans," he said, "but never seen one. One Gungan would set me up for life with Jabba. You say you have one of these creatures?"

"He's all yours if you just let us have the parts and be on our way."

After a moment's thought, Watto spit on his hand and held it out. They shook, and the deal was done. "We brought the parts, thinking we'd have to put them in anyway to get this ship out of here. They're outside."

Obi-Wan did a quick visual check of the parts sitting outside the hatch, then nodded. "Everything seems to be in order, but I will come looking for you if I find otherwise." He put his hand on his lightsaber, in case the threat was not clear enough.

"I am a man of my word, Jedi!" Watto rose a foot in the air with righteous indignation. "If you can put these parts in this ship correctly, she will fly."

"Very well, then." Obi-Wan went over to where Jar Jar had fallen asleep with his mouth still on the floor of the ship. "Jar Jar Binks."

"Huh...wha?" Jar Jar blinked up at him. "Isn it time for de food?"

The Jedi nodded. "If you go with these people, they'll take you back into town and feed you. And they'll put you in the care of someone who'll make sure you never go hungry again."

"Oh. Okeday!" Jar Jar jumped up, his earlier infractions forgotten, and smiled at Watto as he followed the blue creature and his goons down the ramp and away from the ship. Obi-Wan's smile widened as the Gungan's chatter grew fainter and fainter until he could no longer hear it.

Padme had watched the entire scene in silence, but now she approached Obi-Wan. "You are a skilled negotiator, Jedi."

"Thank you," he said with a nod of his head.

"I am glad to have you on our side on this journey."

"It is my privilege, Your Highness."

She smiled and went off, presumably to talk to Panaka or her stand-in, leaving Obi-Wan alone at last. He sat down on a bench with a sigh of relief. All problems taken care of, all crises averted. Well, he still had to deal with Qui-Gon's anger when he woke, but he could handle that. He fingered the bottle of oil he'd won from R2D2. A special massage and Qui-Gon would be no problem at all. He smiled as he stood and strode off to find Qui-Gon.

Life was good.

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