Pairing: Colin/Ephram
Rating: NC-17
Summary: I'm not sure this is quite what Colin's physical therapist had in mind.
Disclaimer: I don't own anyone, much less these wonderful characters (if you know where I could buy them, please let me know *g*). I refuse to make any money off them in any event, so please don't sue me.
Notes: Chelsea, thank you so very much yet again for the quick and lovely beta, and for keeping them from a time warp. Cori and Emma, thank you for reading and commenting so quickly when I was totally unsure if this was going to work. And for listening to my bitching. *g*
Series: This goes after "Fire and Ice" and "Control"
Spoilers: Probably minor things from the eps so far.


Don't Let Go
by Nicole D'Annais
Copyright 2003

--

How can they not know?

When I was a kid, I never understood how people could walk right by some homeless guy on the street and act like he wasn't even there. I asked Mom about it once, and she said, "People see what they want to see."

I asked her if they had special contact lenses so they only saw people with homes, and she laughed. It took me years before I really understood the concept she'd been trying to teach me, but I understand it now.

And even so, how can they not know?

It's like a constant itch that I can't quite reach, and when I do, the more I scratch, the worse it itches. Okay, so that's not the best analogy, but I don't know how else to describe it. Seven days a week, every minute, somewhere inside, I want Colin. I wish I could stop it. It would be better for me, for him, for pretty much everybody on the planet, but it's like a runaway train.

The only time it slows is, well, times like now, right after it's been scratched. Great, now I'm mixing my analogies. Mrs. McGee would get me for that.

Okay, my English teacher is the last person I need to be thinking about while I'm lying naked on a cot with Colin. Well, almost the last person. But I've gotten used to consciously not thinking about Amy. Colin tends to drown out all thoughts of her when we're..."alone." And we've been "alone" a lot lately--and in some risky situations. Yesterday, we were "alone" in the weight room--and I'm sure that the jocks would refuse to ever step foot inside it again if they had *any* idea what happened in there.

Although, at this point, I'm not sure if someone finding out would be horrible or a relief.

On second thought, I think if anyone did find out, that would be the end of this. And as I play with Colin's hair, my fingers brushing the soft strands across my own chest, I realize I'm not ready to go through that. It's not like they make a calamine lotion for this particular kind of itch.

His head moves on my chest and he smiles up at me. "We should go soon."

"Yeah. My dad will be expecting me for dinner."

"And my parents freak when they can't find me for too long."

And then there's the unspoken problem--Amy will be calling his house, wondering where he is. And she freaks out way worse than his parents when he disappears. I've seen it first hand, and it is scary.

She almost caught us once. His parents were out--his dad at work, his mom at the grocery store, dry cleaner, whatever--and Colin and I were studying at his house. Or we were supposed to be. We were in his room, halfway to naked when we heard Amy's voice calling out Colin's name from the living room of his house. I've never dressed so fast in my life.

But for one brief second, I thought about not rushing at all.

I wouldn't. I couldn't. I care about Amy, I really do. I know that sounds so...lame right now, while I'm lying here with her boyfriend--dammit, I try not to think about it like that. Colin doesn't seem to have that problem. He can split his life into little separate pieces, and it's like the pieces don't even have any relation to each other, even when they slam into each other, like the day Amy almost caught us.

I envy that. I try not to think about what this would do to her, but sometimes the image of her face if she found out just pops into my head. I don't even want to think about the hurt that would be there, but there are times I can't help it.

And then Colin manages to knock everything else on the planet out of my head all over again.

I don't understand this. Maybe if I did, I could control it, but there doesn't seem to be much chance of that. Of course, the part of me that hates Amy just a little every time I see her with Colin's arm around her isn't so sure I want to control it.

My life sucks.

"Hey."

Colin's still smiling up at me, but he's got that look now like he's about to ask what's wrong, and he's afraid of the answer. "We should probably go."

"Yeah." We get up slowly, stopping for a few kisses before finding our clothes and getting ready to go back to real life.

I'm almost dressed when Colin asks, "Are we still on for anime Friday?"

"I thought you had plans with Amy." I'm proud of how even my voice is as I say that.

"We're just gonna hang out. I don't see why we can't all watch."

No, you wouldn't. "Sure." I put my shoes on and pick up my bag with a little more force than necessary. "Whatever."

"Ephram...." He's sitting on the cot, one shoe on, the other in his hand, but he stops to fix me with that searching gaze.

I look down at him. "It's fine, Colin." I hope my sincere face is believable. "Really."

"Okay." I see a second of uncertainty in his eyes before he clicks it off, and then he's back to friendly, open Colin.

They've given Oscars to people who've made masks that aren't nearly as good as his.

***

There was a time, not that long ago....

Dad loves that phrase. And again with the things I don't want to be thinking about. But, there was a time, not that long ago, that sitting here on the couch, watching Colin and Amy play the epitome of teen coupledom would have me uncomfortable for several reasons--envy, that I couldn't be the one with my arm around her, guilt for feeling that way about the girlfriend of a friend, slight nausea at the sickening sweetness of it all.

I'd kill to have my life that simple now.

Then again, maybe not. I sneak a sideways glance at Colin, his eyes focused on the screen. I can't explain it, and I know it's totally insane, but I can't totally wish this away. I should. But I can't. So instead, I sit here, watching the perfect couple, reminding myself that I know exactly what her boyfriend looks like when he comes. Many times over, in fact.

Hey, it keeps me sane. Or at least it keeps me from opening my mouth and screwing things up. I try to keep everything separate, to pretend like my relationship with Colin has nothing to do with the rest of the world, or any other version of reality. But I can't figure out how he does it. Maybe it's something to do with his injury. Whatever it is in his brain that allows that, I don't have it.

Amy deserves better. I deserve better--we all deserve better. But I don't know how to change anything. I can't lose Colin. I can't. I can do without just about anything in this town, but I can't lose that.

"Right, Ephram?"

"What?" I manage to look across Colin to Amy. "Sorry."

She laughs. "It's okay, I know it takes about three tries to get your attention when you're watching these things--though these days, Colin is just about as bad." She pokes him in the ribs before asking me, "I said the next DVD of this series is coming out in a couple of weeks, right?"

"Yeah."

Amy laughs again at my surprise. "What? I did some research."

"I'm impressed." The TV and munching popcorn become the only sounds again as they go back to watching. I'm still processing Amy's knowledge of anything anime. But, then, that's her style. Colin is into anime now, so of course, Amy has to be able to share. She's too good for him, but then that's part of her charm. And I can't warn her off or do anything at all about it without looking like the jealous idiot, which, of course, I am, but not in the way everybody will think.

Everybody except for Colin. Who would probably never have anything to do with me again.

Or would he? He tried that once, and it didn't work. Maybe he can't control this any more than I can. Maybe he wouldn't be able to stay away.

Maybe I can do anything I want.

Except hurt the people I care about.

This. Really. Sucks.

"I'll be right back." I escape to the relative safety of the bathroom (I'm not making any promises if I come across a spare razor) and lean on the counter, staring at my reflection. I don't get it. I mean, I look like a normal teenager. Why the hell can't I have a normal life? Why does all this shit happen to me?

Okay, deep breath. The easy answer is that it happens to me because I let it. I need to take control, that's it. And I'm fully prepared to do that. I have everything I need with me to do that tonight.

One more deep breath, and I go back into the living room to find Amy and Colin, kissing by the front door. I clear my throat louder than really necessary, and they break apart as Amy giggles. "My dad's here," she explains to me, opening the door. "Do you need a ride?"

"No, thanks, I have my bike."

"Okay. Night."

I say goodnight and watch as Colin follows her out of the house. I watch their silhouettes as they kiss again, and then one more time before Amy goes down the stairs of the porch, and I remember to stop digging my fingernails into my palms.

By the time Colin comes back in the house, I'm on the couch, watching the DVD. "So," he says, dropping onto the couch beside me, "is your Dad expecting you?"

And just like that, the switch has been flipped, and we're in the part of Colin's life where we're together, not Colin and Amy. "No," I answer without looking at him. Then I turn up the sound on the TV.

I can still hear him sigh, and I know the word that's coming, the tone and the pause that comes right after it. "Ephram...."

"No." I mute the TV and toss the remote on the table before turning to face him. "Look, I understand that you can take every little part of your life and just separate it somehow, but I'm not that good at it." The words come out in a rush. "I'm sorry. It's just harder for me, and do you even think for a minute what it's like to sit here and watch you play Couple of the Year with Amy? I mean, you kiss her goodbye, walk through the door, and what, I'm just supposed to pretend like she was never here? Like she doesn't exist?" It's a damn good thing his parents aren't home; there's no way they'd miss my voice at this point.

"Dude, where is this coming from? I thought--"

"No, I don't think you thought at all. And that's fine, for you. For me, not so much."

He reaches for my hand, but I jerk it away. "Look, Ephram, I don't know what you want from me."

"I told you before. Honesty."

"Well then I don't know what the problem is. I've been an open book."

Why the hell do I have to care so damn much about someone who can be such an ignorant jackass? "Yeah, I know."

"Okay, fine. Honesty goes both ways. Are you jealous because I'm kissing Amy, or because Amy's kissing me?"

"What?"

"You had a thing for her, and it wasn't *that* long ago. Maybe you'd really rather be with her?"

Of all the-- "Don't go turning this around on me! I'm not the one sandwiched on the couch between my girlfriend and my boyfriend!"

"No, you're just to the side of the guy you have and the girl you want!"

This is insane. "I don't want Amy." I want you *not* to want Amy, moron. Only I can't say that.

"Right. Of course. You just want 'honesty.' Okay, so tell me, Ephram, *what* do you want to know that I'm not telling you?"

"Have you fucked her?" Okay, *I* can't even believe I said that. I didn't even know that question was in my head. But it's out now, and I can't take it back. I'm not sure I want to.

He pushes his hair off his face, and I refuse to be charmed by the one lock that falls back down, just like always, as if it's screaming, 'Look, I'm not perfect! See? My hair doesn't fall perfectly.' His eyes are moving back and forth, like he's trying really hard to decide what to tell me. "No," he says finally.

"The truth?"

"Yes! God, I promised you I'd be honest, didn't I?"

"For someone who's promised honesty, it took you long enough to decide to tell me."

He leans back into the couch, tilting his head to stare at the ceiling. "It wasn't that. I was just...surprised." His head turns, and I can see the truth in his face when he says, "I wasn't expecting that question."

"Yeah, well, that makes two of us."

"Why is it so important?"

Moment of truth, Ephram. "Because I want to."

His head snaps back up. "You want to fuck Amy?"

"No, moron!"

"Oh." He blinks. "Oh! You mean...." He pushes at the stray lock of hair again. "But don't you need...stuff for that or something?"

I nod slowly. "I did some research. The internet is very informative."

"Research?" He relaxes again, leaning against the couch with a hint of a smile. "So you were planning this?"

"Well, the thought crossed my mind once or twice, yeah. Haven't you ever thought about it?"

"Yeah, but...."

I can only wait a couple of seconds before asking, "But?"

"Research?"

He tries not to laugh, but that only makes me laugh more. "Okay, so that makes it sound like homework, but..."

"Hey, if homework were as interesting as this, I'd have no trouble paying attention, that's for sure."

"So then you're interested?"

He leans over and kisses me once, then stands up. "Let's go upstairs and I'll show you."

I watch him go up the stairs, apparently paralyzed by the ease of getting what I wanted. As I pick up my bag, it hits me; I've done all kinds of technical 'research' about this. But I don't know much about practical application. Even internet porn is only so helpful.

Be careful what you ask for, right? Well, I got it. No turning back now. Not that I would. I want this. Badly.

So why am I still standing at the bottom of the stairs? Sure, I don't really know what I'm doing. Or how I'm going to do it. But Colin's willing to try it. So before he changes his mind, I manage to kick my body into gear and run up the stairs to his room.

Only I stop just inside the door, because I wasn't expecting him to be naked and in the bed, covered only by a sheet from his waist to his knees, and I certainly wasn't expecting him to be looking as interested as he is. If he looked any more interested, I think the sheets would burst into flames.

"Your arm must be doing really well." Great, Ephram, that's the first thing you think of to say?

"Why?"

"Because that would be the fastest job of one-armed undressing I've ever seen."

Okay, even I know the joke is lame, but it breaks the tension a little, and we both laugh. "Are you my therapist or my--"

"Or your what?"

"I mean are you going to analyze my condition, or are you going to get over here and do something?"

I'm curious about what he was about to say, but I'm much more curious about the fire in his eyes, and that outline in the sheet between his legs. I make it over to the bed and drop my bag right beside it before I start taking off my clothes. "Like what?" I ask as both my shirts hit the floor.

His lips curve into a lazy smile. "That's a good start."

I answer his smile with one of my own as I finish undressing in record time and sit down on the bed. "And now what?"

"You tell me. You're the one with the 'research.'" His laugh really isn't intended to mock me. Much.

"Oh, you're gonna pay for that."

This time the laughter is definitely not mocking. "Promise?"

"Definitely." I climb onto my knees, straddling his legs until I'm sitting on his thighs. "Pay and pay," I add, leaning in for a kiss. He strains up against me, and I can feel his dick rubbing against mine under the sheet. I could get off from just this--I know that for a fact--but I have plans, and they don't include either of us getting off that easy.

His mouth follows automatically for a second when I pull away, and then his eyes open. "What?"

"I have to get that 'stuff' we need, as you so eloquently put it."

"Oh."

I can see a little worry mixed in with the fire in his eyes. "We don't have to do this."

"I want to. I'm just...."

Scared? Excited? Worried you have no clue what you're doing? "Me too." I pull two small items out of my bag and put them on the bed beside me. Taking a deep breath, I look down at Colin, who's looking back up at me through his lashes, fire and trust outweighing everything else in his eyes.

It's the trust that does me in. He trusts me. I don't know why I find that so hot, and right now I don't really care. It's enough that he does. One more long kiss, and I pull the sheet back and stroke him, watching as his head falls back on the pillow and his eyes close. There's a little tiny victory voice somewhere in my head chanting that Amy has no idea what this looks like, what it feels like, but I ignore it. She's edging in on the bed with us as it is, always there, whether she's really physically there or not, and I'm not giving her any more of my time than I have to.

This is mine.

I manage to get the condom on him easily, despite nearly fumbling as I feel the full weight of his eyes watching me roll it down over him. Preparing myself isn't as easy as I'd thought, but I can't quite bring myself to break the silence in the room to tell him what to do. I push the small tube off to the side, and shove away the memory of the trip to New York that gave me the anonymity to buy it. My mother is even higher than Amy on the list of things I don't need to be thinking of right now.

And then I feel his fingers searching behind me, replacing mine, exploring areas that until recently I'd never even thought about, while I use the slick contents of the tube on the condom. He pulls me down with his right hand for another kiss, and I slide up until his fingers are gone and I can feel his solid, latex-covered dick there, waiting.

Colin breaks the kiss, our faces close together, his hand on my cheek. "Are you sure about this?"

I nod quickly, leaning down for another kiss as I push down against his dick. It feels a lot bigger than it looks as it presses into me, and it hurts, but there's something about it that feels just...indescribable. It takes several times before he's even halfway inside me, and by the time he's all the way inside, I can tell he's not last long. When I finally feel myself settle against his hips, I recognize the feeling inside me. It's like playing a piece of music that works and stretches every finger in my hands to their limit until I'm sure they're going to break, but when I get the piece right, it's the closest thing I've ever gotten to flying without a plane.

Until now.

His hands are digging into my backside now, his teeth biting into his bottom lip, and his eyes are open. He's saying something over and over, but it's so quiet I can't make it out at first. I lean closer, and realize it's my name, just as he thrusts up again and hits something inside me that just explodes like fireworks, and then everything goes fuzzy.

When I manage to come back to reality, I realize I wasn't the only one who got off. My body is protesting that it never wants to move again, but we're both going to be very uncomfortable very soon if I don't. I sit up, ignoring his protests, and slide off him carefully, pulling the condom off and tossing it in the trash beside the bed. "Don't forget to get rid of that," I manage to say, as I flop back down on top of him and land with my lips somewhere near his.

Several kisses later, he strains his neck back to see my face. "Are you, um...okay?"

"I'm good."

Understatement yet again, but I run my hand down to his stomach, where the evidence of just how good I am is still drying, and he grins. "That was...that was totally...."

"Yeah." I grin back before I go back to being a human blanket and start to drift off to sleep. As the world starts fading away, my mind replays those last moments before we both finished, and I go back to the thought that Amy has no idea what it's like to be that way with Colin.

I spare one last second of consciousness to hope she never, ever does.

---
END



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