Title: Maximum Byers 5: The Hazards of Being Human
Author: Mice
E-mail: just_us_mice@yahoo.com
Category: LGM, Byers/Jimmy, Byers angst
Rating: R for grownup talk
Summary: Every night has a morning after. Byers has to deal 
with his friends and his own head trips after his reality 
has changed. This story takes place after MB4: What You Are 
in the Dark.
Archive: DITB, Lone Slasher, Countermeasures, LGM Fanfic 
Bunker, Glass Onion, all others ask.
Website (sorta): http://www.livejournal.com/users/mice1900
Disclaimer: If you think they're mine, you're delusional. I 
recommend a psychiatric exam.
Author's Notes: Bestest Beta by LadyKate, Pyrts, and Sally

***

LONE GUNMEN HEADQUARTERS
TAKOMA PARK, MARYLAND
MORNING

When Byers woke, he wondered if the night before had been 
some overly enthusiastic wet dream, but he was just as 
naked as he'd remembered. So was Jimmy. A small smile 
crossed his face for a moment, though he wasn't sure 
whether he should be happy or mortified, remembering the 
amount of noise they'd made. It was virtually guaranteed 
that Frohike and Langly had heard them, and this meant that 
he'd have to talk with them at some point. 

Talking was a thing he'd been trying hard to put off for 
the past month. He'd wanted to wait until he had his head 
sorted out before his friends began grilling him, but he 
suspected this was no longer going to be possible. Langly 
might not make a big deal of it, even if he was freaked out 
by it, but Frohike was certain to put on his Papa Bear hat 
and want to know what was happening and how he was feeling 
about it. He ran a hand softly over Jimmy's chest, looking 
at his friend -- his lover? God, that sounded strange -- 
for a moment before tossing on a clean pair of pajamas and 
donning his slippers and robe.

He hadn't had a lover in years. Even the idea seemed 
peculiar to him. He'd spent so long with his companions, 
celibate and, except for his brief and jealous second 
encounter with Susanne, not really caring. Sex had seemed 
irrelevant compared to the larger issues; the conspiracies, 
publishing the paper, helping Mulder and Scully, the odd 
incursions by Yves, and the constant dangers they found 
themselves facing. When he'd felt a need for anything, 
there was always his hand and, if he was feeling a little 
adventurous, one of Frohike's massive collection of porn 
tapes. He felt guilty about what he'd done last night, 
fearing that it would create an even greater risk for all 
of them if he and Jimmy were found out. He wondered if he 
could force himself back into celibacy again, push down the 
urges that had been awakened and stirred to ferocity after 
his... interlude last night. The prospect was distinctly 
unpleasant, but if he had to, he'd try.

Frohike was already in the kitchen when he arrived, coffee 
brewing, daily stack of papers at the ready. He was wearing 
the Hugh Hefner robe again. Langly probably wouldn't rise 
for at least another half hour, and who knew how long Jimmy 
would sleep. At least he'd only have to deal with one of 
them for the moment.

Byers sat at the table quietly and picked up a paper at 
random. 

Frohike brought him a cup of coffee, then sat down next to 
him. "So."

Byers opened the paper.

Frohike fidgeted restlessly.

John tried to read the obituaries, but couldn't focus with 
the scruffy, diminutive man shifting nervously next to him. 
He looked up at his unshaven, as yet uncaffeinated friend.

"How are you doing?" Frohike asked.

Byers knew what he was really asking. He also knew that Mel 
wouldn't rest until he'd said something relevant. He put 
the paper down. "I 'm... fine," he said.

Frohike stared at him, silent.

"You don't believe me?"

"You and Jimmy have been circling each other like scared, 
hungry wolves for the past month, Byers. It's about 
freakin' time you did something about it. It was starting 
to get pretty thick in here."

"Frohike!" John tried to keep his voice down.

Mel sighed. "Look, I know this isn't easy for you, buddy. 
It's okay. But you might say what's going on in your head 
once in a while instead of keeping us guessing. If you 
think what's going on between you two is news to us, you've 
been living in a cave. The thing is --"

Byers twitched nervously. "What?"

"Hey, you know as far as Jimmy's concerned, he worships the 
ground you float over. I mean, he's a nice enough kid, but 
I gotta admit, I thought you had a little more class 
than... well... that." 

"Excuse me?" Byers' eyebrows climbed his face. This wasn't 
exactly what he'd been expecting. Reproach maybe, anger, or 
even surprise, but not this.

"We all know he's not the brightest bulb in the box. He's 
got a good heart, yeah, but... I always thought that if you 
went for a guy, he'd have brains, like Her. A researcher or 
something. One of our better looking sources, maybe. At 
least another hacker." Frohike paused, an odd expression on 
his face. "But if you go getting any ideas about Kimmy..." 
He picked up his coffee mug and took a sip, chuckling and 
shaking his head.

"Frohike, I... How can you say those things? Jimmy's here 
because he believes in what we're doing. He's here because 
he wants to help us with the paper. And..." he blinked. 
"...what do you mean 'if I went for a guy'? I... I..." 
Byers stammered to a stop, astonished at Frohike's words. 
Had he been that obvious? He was sure those thoughts had 
been completely buried his entire life before the incident. 
John started bouncing one heel nervously on the floor.

"Oh, come on Byers. We all know you're the real reason 
Jimmy joined us. He's been following you around like some 
lovesick puppy from day one. The guy's got a serious case 
of hero worship, and..." Frohike paused and stared at him, 
setting down his cup. Surprise crossed his face as the 
light dawned. "You really didn't know, did you?" He shook 
his head and sighed, face buried in one hand. "Byers, you 
are one hell of a piece of work, you know that?"

John stared at Frohike, unable to speak for several 
minutes. Frohike just watched him, sipping his coffee while 
he waited. Finally, Byers whispered "How did you know? Even 
I didn't know I felt that way. Not really. I... I pushed it 
down whenever I had thoughts like that. I didn't want to 
feel like this. It's... too dangerous. It's too much of a 
risk. It... it puts all of us in a very..." Byers 
swallowed, clear blue eyes filled with uncertainty "... 
vulnerable position." 

Byers watched Frohike watch him. Mel rolled his eyes and 
shook his head. "No, it doesn't. It doesn't substantially 
change anything, really. We already know that if They 
wanted to get to us, all They'd have to do is grab any one 
of us off the street and we'd be screwed. It doesn't matter 
if you're sleeping with anybody, Byers, as long you're 
doing it here, with somebody we know. If any of us were 
sleeping with somebody who wasn't involved with the work, 
somebody who didn't understand the situation, that would be 
different. It would put someone outside our... our family 
in danger. But not this. As far as it being Jimmy, or any 
guy, they can't blackmail you with something if everybody 
knows about it. If you don't hide it, they can't use it 
against you, except in some pretty extreme circumstances. 
It's not like we have outside jobs to worry about."

Blackmail was only one of John's worries, and he already 
knew there were people he didn't intend to tell. His father 
was at the top of that list. Byers opened his mouth to 
respond, but Frohike held up a hand and continued. "As far 
as 'knowing,' well, I have eyes. I saw the way you used to 
look at Langly sometimes, when you thought nobody was 
watching. I recognized the look on your face."

Byers' mouth opened and closed soundlessly, then he 
sputtered, "Wh-what look?"

"You know," Frohike answered, "*The Look.* The one that 
sets off gaydar four states away. And it's okay, John. I'm 
sorry it wouldn't work out for you two, him being 
straighter than your average ruler and all. Much as I think 
Langly is a pain in the ass, at least he's smart enough 
that you two could look out for each other if you were 
together."

John blushed deep red and buried his face in his hands, his 
elbows on the table. He'd thought of that as one of his 
deepest, darkest secrets, and here Frohike had known the 
whole time -- read him like a traffic sign. He always 
thought he'd been much more careful to guard his emotions, 
much more discreet. It was another shining example of his 
body betraying him. Maybe Korowski *had* known. 

"Who else knows?" he asked, his shoulders slumping, 
ashamed.

"I never said anything to anybody. Definitely not to 
Langly. It wasn't anyone's business but yours." Frohike 
reached out and rubbed John's shoulder. "It's nothing to be 
ashamed of. It's not like I haven't been around the block a 
few times myself over the years."

Byers looked up, stunned. "You?" At least it explained 
Frohike's 'no man kisses like that' comment the day they'd 
met their 'worthy adversary,' Yves.

Mel shrugged. "Eh. I was young. I wasn't into guys that 
much, never have been, but sometimes... well, sometimes you 
just need somebody. At least I did. In the jungle in 
'Nam... some things are better than being lonely." He took 
a breath and released a long sigh. "With you, it's more 
than that. That much is obvious. You need a connection with 
somebody, even if it's not a connection I understand."

Byers stared at Frohike. "I'm really offended by your 
remarks about Jimmy." Frohike's attitude was moving beyond 
irritating into deeply annoying.

Frohike shook his head and gestured with one hand. "The 
boy's dumb as a stump. He gets us into just as much trouble 
as he helps us out of. And I don't feel like seeing either 
of you get hurt over this. You know it's not gonna work. 
Jimmy's not your security blanket, and you're not a one 
night stand kinda guy, Byers. Everybody knows that's why 
you've kept to yourself all these years. You'd rather have 
nothing at all than take a chance on getting hurt like 
that. You're hoping for the happily ever after. Do you 
really think you're gonna get that with Jimmy? " He said 
the man's name like it tasted funny.

Byers leaned back in his chair with an angry grimace, arms 
crossed over his chest. He snapped, "I don't know. I don't 
know anything right now. I hardly even know how I feel, 
except that what happened mostly felt... right. How can you 
even suggest that I might be... *using* Jimmy for a... a 
'security blanket'? And you're *worried* about me? I don't 
believe you, Frohike! Jimmy may be a little slow, but he 
has more heart than any of us."

"Maybe." Frohike snorted. "You two are so alike sometimes, 
it's frightening. You're like... like matter and antimatter 
-- you shouldn't both be in the same place at once or the 
universe will explode or something. You're both godawful 
idealists. You'll do stupid shit because you think it's the 
right thing to do, and Langly and I have to follow you 
around and pull your ass out of the fire." Mel's voice got 
louder as he became more annoyed. "Jimmy would follow you 
anywhere and do any damned fool thing you told him to, just 
because it's you, whether it's brilliant or suicidal." He 
poked a finger at Byers, leaning across the table into his 
face. "You need somebody with more sense, Byers. Somebody 
that can talk you out of the truly stupid shit, stop you 
when you get into the weird zone."

John's anger was slow to provoke, but when it came it was 
fierce, and he was bordering on rage after Frohike's litany 
against the man who had showed him such love and 
acceptance. He glared at Frohike, his voice rising as he 
spoke. "So it's not enough that I've been alone all these 
years, been traumatized and assaulted, had my entire life 
pulled out from under me, been trying to figure out what 
the hell is going on in my head, but when somebody kind and 
decent finally takes any interest in me, finally wants to 
be with me, he's not *good* enough for me? He's *too* 
interested in me? And I'm *using* him? Good grief, Frohike, 
don't you think if I'd found somebody before, I would have 
done something about it?" 

Byers was shouting, but he didn't care. "Who the hell do 
you think you are, my father? No, wait, my father would 
just try to beat the crap out of me for disappointing him 
because I..." He lurched to his feet and stormed from the 
room, leaving Frohike at the table with his mouth hanging 
open.

Byers burst into his room, slamming the door open, then 
shut behind him. Jimmy was sitting up in bed, looking like 
he'd been interrupted when he was getting up.

"John?"

John pulled underwear and socks from his drawer and a shirt 
and suit from his closet, tossing them on the bed. The 
socks smacked Jimmy full in the chest. He was grumbling 
darkly to himself about what he wanted to do with Frohike.

"John, what happened? Are you okay?"

"I don't want to talk about it," Byers snapped, shedding 
his robe and pajamas, throwing them randomly as he 
undressed.

"But..."

Byers grabbed his briefs and put them on, then pulled his 
shirt on. "I said, I don't want to talk about it." His 
voice was cold and cutting.

Jimmy looked up at John, looking like a whipped puppy. 
Byers paused for a moment as he buttoned his shirt. "It's 
not you. I just don't want to talk about it right now."

Jimmy sat and stared, his sky blue eyes wide, as Byers 
finished getting dressed, draped a tie around his neck and 
dashed out of the bedroom, tying it as he rushed for the 
door from the living quarters into their alley. John was 
fuming. Jimmy had never seen him so angry in the entire 
time he'd known him. Not even when he'd ripped up that 
check the senator's aides tried to bribe him with. 

He heard Langly's voice. "Byers, wait a..."

The outside door slammed behind John. Jimmy got out of bed 
and put his clothes on, heading for the kitchen. Langly was 
already there in his white tank top and boxers, shouting at 
Frohike, when Jimmy came to the table.

"Why the hell did you tell him that?" Langly howled. "You 
coulda waited a few days before you stuffed your head up 
your ass, you know!"

"It's too late now," Frohike growled. "And you know I'm 
right."

Jimmy looked from Langly to Frohike as they noticed him 
standing by the table. "What happened?" he asked. "Is John 
mad at me? Did I... "

Frohike looked up at the tall, athletic blonde, his face 
red.

Langly shook his head. "Nope. This one's all the Wonder 
Dwarf's doing." He scowled down at the small, round man.

"If Byers had a goddamn clue --"

Langly cut Frohike off. "Oh, don't even try to blame this 
on Byers, Doohickey. You're the one who needs to buy a clue 
here. How the hell could you say that to him? He's old 
enough to make his own decisions, remember? It's not like 
he's some dumb kid who hasn't discovered his own dick yet."

"You mean like you?" Frohike snapped.

Jimmy held his hands up, confused, and moved between his 
bickering friends. "What's going on, guys? Why's John so 
mad?"

Langly glared at Frohike. Frohike looked back, pleading 
with his eyes.

Langly snorted. "I ain't bailing your ass out here, Mel. 
You took the stupid pill this morning. You tell Jimmy what 
you said to John."

Frohike shifted in his seat, nervous. He looked at one of 
the stacks of papers.

"What did you say to him?" Jimmy asked quietly.

"I told him I was worried about him," Frohike said, "that I 
didn't want to see him get hurt. Or you."

Langly shook his head and poked Frohike. "Yeah, right. Tell 
him the rest."

Frohike sat, silent.

Langly looked up at Jimmy. "He told Byers you weren't good 
enough for him. He said you were too stupid for him. He 
said Byers was just using you for a security blanket, and 
that it would never work." The anger in Langly's voice was 
an arctic permafrost layer. He turned to Frohike again. 
"Isn't that right, you sorry bastard?"

Jimmy stood staring at Frohike, tears forming in his eyes. 
He took several deep breaths before he spoke. "Is... is 
that true? Did you really say that to him? That I'm stupid, 
that he's using me? That... that things could never work 
for us?"

Frohike buried his face in one hand and nodded. "Yeah, I 
did," he said, barely audible. "But let me explain, okay?"

"Explain?" Jimmy's voice was filled with the pain of his 
betrayal by a man he'd considered not just a friend but a 
role model. "What's to explain?" He sniffled, and looked at 
the door. "I need to go find John."

Langly shook his head. "No way. He's gonna need some time 
to cool off, and it's probably best if I go after him 
anyway. Besides, I think Frohike owes you a major apology, 
dude."

Frohike and Langly exchanged a long look. It was Frohike 
who broke eye contact first, under Langly's furious glare.

He turned to Jimmy. "I'm sorry, Jimmy." Frohike bit his 
bottom lip. "Let me explain."

Jimmy didn't look up, but Frohike could see his tears 
falling, leaving damp grey splotches on the stack of 
papers. The big man's silence was thick with anguish.

"I'm gonna go shower and get dressed, then I'm gonna go 
talk to Byers." Langly said. "You two deal with this. I'll 
be back later." He ran a hand over Jimmy's shoulder. "Don't 
worry, I'll bring him home. We'll figure it all out, dude. 
Whatever happens, it'll be okay."

WASHINGTON, DC
REFLECTING POOL ON THE MALL
LATE MORNING

Langly found Byers exactly where he'd expected to, sitting 
on that park bench, staring into the reflecting pool. It 
was the place he'd usually find his friend if Byers was 
stressing hard and needing some space to think.

"Figured I'd find you here," he said, sitting down next to 
his buttoned-down partner.

Byers didn't say anything. His hands were folded together, 
elbows on his knees, and he was leaning forward staring 
silently into the water.

"Frohike's a jackass."

Byers snorted.

"I made him apologize to Jimmy."

John looked up at that, but still didn't speak.

Langly sat and stared at him quietly.

"Why are you here?" Byers asked. "I was sure you'd be as 
freaked out about it as Frohike was."

"'Cuz I'm not a jerk like Frohike." Langly grinned. 
"Besides, I got no problem with you taking a walk on the 
wild side."

Byers looked back out on the water. "Apparently that wasn't 
what Frohike was having trouble with. It was the fact it 
was Jimmy that got him so upset."

Langly looked out at the water as well. "Yeah. Well, so 
Gigantor can be an annoyance now and then. That doesn't 
mean he'd mess you up."

Byers looked back at Langly, and the lanky blonde met his 
eyes. "He said..."

"Yeah, yeah, I know what he said. 'Security blanket' and 
'using him' and all that other crapola."

"But you don't think that way." 

Langly shook his head. "Nope."

Byers sighed, remembering all the reasons he'd been 
attracted to Langly after they'd first met. "I wasn't 
expecting you to react quite so... calmly."

"Nah. I got enough queer friends that I got over it years 
ago. It's just people trying to be happy, you know?"

Byers leaned back onto the bench, hands now resting in his 
lap. "So what do you really think?"

Langly shrugged. "You gotta do what you gotta do, 
whatever's right for you. Things have been pretty fuckin' 
weird since you two were in that damned Texas hell hole. I 
wasn't sure we were gonna see either of you in one piece 
again. After what happened..." His voice trailed off into 
uneasy silence.

John shuddered. "It was awful."

Langly just nodded.

"I wish none of it had ever happened."

"Seems like a pretty sane reaction to me," Langly said. 
"But even though Doohickey's a fuckhead, and I can be 
pretty bad about it too sometimes, you could still say 
stuff to us."

"What was I supposed to say?"

"Anything."

A strained frown crossed Byers' face. "Right. I can see it 
now. 'Well guys, I almost got raped, and oh, by the way, I 
also happen to like guys...' Yeah, that would really have 
been helpful." He shuddered and looked away from his 
friend.

"Well, it's not like one thing caused the other, ya know," 
Langly said. "We're not that stupid. Okay, so maybe 
Frohike's that stupid sometimes, but still..."

"This is not a *joke,* Ringo."

"Sorry, man. It's just been... kind weird, you know?" He 
reached out to Byers.

John looked at Langly's hand for a minute, then finally 
took it in his own. He sighed. "I wish I knew what to do," 
he whispered.

"Seems like you're doing better, you know," Langly said.

Byers shook his head. "It doesn't feel that way."

"I figure last night meant you had to be doing a lot 
better, actually."

Byers closed his eyes tight and let go of Langly's hand. "I 
was... well... terrified."

"But you got through it."

Byers looked up at Langly again. "I guess I did."

Langly put a hand on Byers' shoulder. "You'll get there, 
dude. "

"I hope so."

"C'mon. Let's go home. Frohike owes you an apology too."

"I'm not sure I'm ready for that."

"Then talk to me already. For real. What's really going on 
in there?"

Byers watched Langly for a few minutes. The blonde waited 
patiently, a feat Byers had not often seen from his friend. 
Finally, it appeared that Langly would say nothing until 
John had offered some comment. The thought of coming clean 
on the subject brought equal measures of fear and relief. 
He wasn't sure which would eventually win out.

Byers took a deep breath. "Have you ... have you ever 
wanted something that terrified you? Something that made 
you question everything you've ever known about yourself, 
that you ever assumed about your world? Have you ever 
wanted something that gave you nightmares and woke you up 
in a cold sweat afterwards?"

Langly shook his head slowly. "No."

"That's how I've felt most of my life."

"About....?" Langly could guess, but he wanted to hear it 
from John.

Byers closed his eyes, hoping it would give him enough 
focus to actually say the words. "About wanting... about 
being with other men."

"So everything you know is wrong. It's not like it's good 
or bad. It just is."

"I felt like I was wrong, though. Like there was something 
wrong with me. It's what I heard from my family, from 
society, from the church. And when I had those feelings, I 
did my best to bury them, because it was easier than trying 
to learn how to cope with them."

Langly touched John's hand. "It's okay to look at me, you 
know. I ain't gonna bite. I'm your friend, remember?"

Byers looked up again, fear in his eyes. "And would you 
still be my friend if I told you I'd had feelings like that 
for you for a long time?"

Langly blinked a couple of times, surprise crossing his 
face. He swallowed uneasily, but didn't move his hand from 
where it rested on John's. "Hey, you're the closest thing I 
got to a brother, Byers, and it's cool, 'cuz you know I'm 
not like that, and you never, like, tried anything."

Byers sighed and nodded, relieved.

"We're cool," Langly said, relaxing again.

"Thanks," Byers said quietly. 

"Like, do you still... I mean, are you..."

John shook his head. "No, I knew a long time ago that it 
would never happen."

"But I'm curious," Langly said. "I mean, why now, and why 
Jimmy? After all those years of you being obsessed with 
Mata Hari..."

John knew this would be hard to answer. He could feel his 
muscles tense, tightening like springs. There was a ghost 
of Korowski's presence behind him, and he could almost 
smell the stale tobacco smoke.

"It wasn't my choice to start thinking about it. It was 
forced on me when Korowski... when he..." Byers choked and 
couldn't continue.

Langly looked alarmed. "Hey, hey, take it easy man." He 
slid closer to Byers and put an arm around his shoulder. 
"It's all over. You're not there anymore. "

"I keep seeing him in my nightmares, almost every night. It 
doesn't seem to matter what I do, he's there. Sometimes 
even when I'm awake, it's like he's right around the corner 
or over in the next room. Sometimes I feel like he's 
standing there behind me. I can... I can smell him. I can 
feel him touch me." Byers shook violently for a moment, 
then collected himself. "I just... I needed not to be 
alone. I couldn't sleep alone."

"Hey, whatever makes you feel better, it's okay. I wouldn't 
have wanted to be in your shoes."

"The nightmares weren't even the worst of it," Byers 
continued. "It was... it was the fear that I'd brought it 
on myself, by saying or doing something that brought his 
attention to me. I thought somehow I must have asked for 
it. I was... it just..." His rising fear caught him and he 
held his breath, unable to continue.

Langly tried to call him back. "Hey, you're here, you're 
safe. Just be in the now. It's not like I'm trying to kick 
your butt, right?"

Byers gasped for breath when he couldn't hold it any 
longer. He panted for a few minutes, shaking as Langly sat 
with an arm around him.

"Where are you, Byers? Talk to me."

Byers nodded. "I know I'm not there. It's... it's okay. 
It's just hard to think about."

"Sure," Langly said, quiet and subdued.

"The worst thing," Byers whispered, "was when he was there 
behind me, trying to... he..." He took a deep, sharp 
breath. "...and I wondered if that wasn't what I'd wanted 
all along. If it wasn't some kind of cosmic justice for 
wanting other men. If I was --"

"Shit, no, you moron!" Langly shook him. "You might've been 
afraid of that, but that's not why shit like that happens!" 
He turned John's face toward his own. "Look at me, damn it 
-- that's nuts. You didn't deserve that, and you sure as 
hell didn't want it. That's just homophobic crap and you 
know it. That's not you!"

Byers just sat, shuddering.

"Damn it -- John!" Langly gave him a brief hug. "You know 
that's not what it was about, and Frohike sure as hell 
knows it too, even when he's the world's biggest asshole."

When Byers looked up, he saw Langly's eyes pleading with 
him.

"You gotta know we all care about you," Langly said.

"I don't know if I can go back."

Langly shook his head. "You gotta. You live there."

"I don't know if I belong there."

"Of course you do. Where the hell else would you go?"

"I don't know."

"That's because there isn't anyplace else. It's home, man. 
You can't just go wandering off with nowhere to go. That's 
Mulder's job."

A tiny smile broke through Byers' pain. "You're right about 
that, at least."

"See? And you haven't even had your caffeine yet. How the 
hell can you make a big decision like that without coffee 
and breakfast?"

Byers chuckled. "That's close to heresy."

Langly grinned. "Close? That's right smack in the middle of 
it. Besides, Jimmy's waiting for you. And if Frohike 
doesn't apologize to you, you don't wanna miss me kicking 
his ass around the place."

"Thanks."

"Anytime, dude."

"C'mon, Langly. Let's go home."

Langly grinned. "I was hopin' you'd say that."

The two stood and started the long walk back to the van.

***

end