The Kryptonian Conundrum
a Smallville/X Files badfic by mice
Slashy and NC-17

Once upon a time, there was an alien. He was pretty 
ordinary looking for an alien, really. Well... kinda cute 
actually, and all the boys and girls just *loved* him -- in 
a literal and meaningful way. But the person who loved him 
most was a very odd man named Fox.

You see, Fox had an alien fetish.

He loved it when his friend Frohike dressed up as a grey, 
and played "probe the human" with large, buzzing silver 
devices. He had met some aliens once before, but they were 
not very nice to him. They'd probed him in very nasty, 
painful ways. Especially with that nose thing.

Fox had never been a big fan of nose sex, despite the 
generous size of his manly schnozz. But Fox still chased 
aliens for a living, hoping one day to find one that was 
hot and sexy and didn't like to play with nose things.

One day, Fox heard a rumor about a small town in Kansas. 
Weird things happened there all the time, particularly 
after a bunch of meteors had fallen to earth some 14 years 
or so ago. They contained glowing green stone, and wherever 
those stones were found, the most peculiar things would 
happen.

Well, okay Fox received a certain amount of misinformation, 
but this wasn't unusual in his world, where guys named 
"Deep Throat" and "Mr. X" would show up mysteriously and 
give him hints or shoot at him.

Fox went out to Smallville, Kansas to investigate these 
strange things, hauling his brilliant, gorgeous, and very 
sexy (for a woman) partner along, because you see, Dana was 
very adept at telling real aliens from fake ones -- at 
least when she did autopsies on them. After several days of 
asking around, Fox and Dana turned up a number of very 
peculiar stories about people with strange powers. Or, at 
least, they had them for a few minutes and then the powers 
disappeared. At least, that's what people told them.

These strange goings on seemed to often happen around a 
young man named Clark. Clark was studly and handsome, and 
rather underaged, but Mulder looked pretty young for 
nearing 40, or at least so he thought. He worked out by 
constantly practicing weight lifting, because, as we all 
know, his cock is enormous, and weighs at least five pounds 
all by itself.

Well... he played basketball too. But his favorite practice 
was lifting his cock to workout videos that he didn't own.

So Fox decided to go and speak to the delectable young 
Clark, to see if he could turn up any evidence regarding 
these strange powers, far beyond those of mortal men. When 
he got to the Kent residence, he found Clark out in the 
barn slinging hay. Clark had company though, in the form of 
one Lex Luthor -- aspiring bad guy and all around bald 
cutie.

After a moment, Fox realized that the hay wasn't being 
flung as a chore;
it was flying around in the air as the two younger men 
sported gaily. Fox noticed that Lex was probing young 
Clark.

Now, where there's probing, there have to be aliens, So 
mulder hid behind a hay bale to gather evidence.

He knew that Dana was in town talking to a young woman 
named Chloe, who had witnessed several unusual phenomena, 
but we'll get back to them later, because right now Fox is 
watching Clark and Lex intently. None of the probing he 
witnessed seemed to involve large buzzy silver probes, but 
there was a huge flesh-colored one.

He stared enviously.

Because where there are probes and aliens, there must be 
space ships, and he hoped that Lex, who was obviously an 
alien, since no human has an endowment like that, would 
lead him back to his ship when he was done with the 
delicious young Clark.

As he watched, Clark writhed and moaned and called out. Fox 
fought down an urge to go and rescue the young man from his 
torture, but then again, some of those moans didn't sound 
like they were from pain, and in fact, Fox found the whole 
scene curiously arousing. Indeed, his own private weight 
set was making itself known as Lex probed Clark deeper and 
deeper.

To make his waiting more comfortable, he ended up having to 
unzip his pants so his cock wouldn't be so badly placed 
inside his suit. The pressure had been quite annoying, you 
see, and it felt much better out in the warm, hay-scented 
air of the barn, though he could detect an unmistakable 
scent of... masculine arousal in the air as well. He hoped 
it wasn't one of the horses.

Unfortunately, though his cock felt better out in the air, 
it just kept getting harder and more purple as he watched 
Lex bite Clark's neck and shoulders while he probed him. 
Something had to be done to alleviate this bodily crisis.

Lex started moaning and thrusting wildly, and then, with a 
loud shout, he spasmed and collapsed onto the young dark 
haired man's back.

"Aw, man, Lex -- I wanted more," Clark complained.

Lex just whimpered incoherently and slid into the hay, his 
probe was still standing at attention, twitching nervously, 
as though it detected Fox hiding behind the hay bale.

"I guess you're just going to have to let me play now," 
Clark said.

Lex nodded and grinned, breathing hard. Clark offered him a 
hand up, and helped Lex prop himself against one of the 6x6 
barn support columns. It was then that Fox noticed Clark 
was sporting a pretty damned fine probe himself: one of... 
alien proportions.

Clark started kissing and licking Lex all over his firm, 
entirely hairless body.

Entirely... hairless...

Now that was a mutation not seen in humans, Fox thought. 
All smooth. All sweaty. All...

  ooh

Clark worked his way down Lex's back and sides with his 
tongue and teeth. Lex giggled when Clark hit his tickle 
spots. This was too much for Fox's overexcited appendage, 
so he took it in his hand to discipline it, but his palm 
felt too good, and discipline didn't really seem the answer 
in this situation.
 
Fox crouching behind the hay bale...

Clark nibbling on Lex's ass like some demented chipmunk...

In fact, his palm felt so good that he grabbed his manly 
spear and started stroking it, lightly at first, then 
harder, as Clark probed Lex's ass with his tongue. Then 
Clark nibbled his way back up Lex's body, curling around 
him to nibble on nipples Fox couldn't see because their 
bodies were both in the way.

Lex purred happily.

Fox had never heard an alien purr before. Well, except 
Frohike in his alien costume, when Fox would reach inside 
the little man's pants to probe him,  because of course, 
when playing with aliens, turnabout is only fair play. But 
Lex's purrs were far more exciting than Frohike's had ever 
been.

And Lex was.... hairless.

Frohike -- the guy was probably half hobbit. He had hair 
everywhere, even in spots most people might consider... 
unnatural. Fox contemplated opening an X File on his 
friend, but was drawn back to the scene before him when 
Clark grabbed Lex by the hips and pushed him up against the 
support beam. Clark's magnificent alien probe stood out 
before him, and he eased it up to Lex's ass and started to 
probe the completely, utterly bald man.

Lex squealed.

Clark grunted.

The probe slipped in. Fox started pumping his cock as Clark 
started pumping Lex. The display was quite... fascinating. 
Intriguing even.  

Fox stored every nanosecond in his eidetic memory for later 
playback.

The sounds the two made as they sported -- gaily of course 
-- were entirely arousing, and Fox was certainly aroused by 
them. As Clark began probing faster and faster, Fox's hand 
joined the rhythm. It was as though the three of them were 
psychically connected in some kinky sexual way, because we 
all know that aliens are psychic and that Fox had recently 
had to deal with an alien artifact that had blown his brain 
open to every single thought that anyone around him ever 
had. Every. Single. Thought. Including when Byers and 
Langly were gazing at one another adoringly in the waiting 
room that afternoon...
 
But anyway...

 His hand, and Clark's probe, and Lex's bouncing against 
the support beam all continued to pick up speed. Fox used 
his other hand to play with his nuts while Clark reached in 
front of Lex and started pumping him.

Lex howled.

Clark groaned.

Fox came all over the hay bale in front of him. He hoped 
the horses wouldn't notice.
  
Lex was spurting semen all over the support beam, and Clark 
shouted "oh GOD Lex!" when his own probe hit overload. 
Suddenly, the only thing he could hear were softly 
shuffling livestock and three men breathing heavily.

Meanwhile, back in town, Dana was interrogating Chloe.

For some reason, the young woman had insisted that any 
audience with her must involve complete nudity, Dana found 
this irregular, but Chloe was pretty cute for a kid. Well, 
maybe she wasn't quite such a kid. She did have nice tits. 
And those lips -- they'd stop trucks on superhighways.

Dana wasn't particularly keen on nude interviews, but it 
was all for the quest: Mulder's quest. The one he kept 
ditching her for, even when she tried to seduce him. The 
air was slightly chill in the room and Dana's nipples were 
taking notice.

So were Chloe's.

"Oh, I'm so sorry," Chloe apologized, "let me warm those up 
for you. Chloe slinked over to Dana and slid her hot mouth 
over Dana's cold, cold nipples.
  
Dana blinked.

When Chloe sucked, Dana forgot that Fox had ever existed, 
though she was sure that there would be evidence somewhere. 
Loose hairs, a few fibres of fabric from a suit, half a 
gallon of sperm in the rug in front of the couch where he 
watched those videos that weren't his...

She took a deep breath as Chloe's hands caressed her. She 
snuggled in and caressed back, her delicate surgeon's hands 
tracing the smooth lines of Chloe's ass. The tips of Dana's 
fingers brushed along the inside of Chloe's warm ass 
cheeks, and then they found a lovely damp spot. It was all 
warm and terribly sweet on the tips of her fingers.

Chloe moaned and squirmed, sliding her own fingers into 
Dana's own secret recesses.

Dana raised a hand to bring Chloe's face to her own. She 
might find some evidence in that gorgeous mouth of hers if 
she went in looking. She slid her tongue along Chloe's 
lips, which opened to her, and then she slid her tongue 
inside, looking for possible fragments of green meteoric 
stone. Who knows? She might have some hidden in other body 
cavities as well.

Dana began probing with her fingers.

Chloe seemed to be enjoying the full body cavity search far 
more than was right, but then again, so was Dana. The two 
kissed and licked and probed and squeezed. A moment later, 
Dana found a hard little bump between Chloe's legs. When 
she touched it, Chloe gasped.

It was an interesting reaction, so Dana played with the 
hard little bump. Everything was getting wetter and warmer, 
and Chloe was pumping her fingers into Dana's hot cavern of 
desire with one hand, and twisting Dana's hot but still 
erect nipples with the other.

Dana pinched Chloe's nipple while she played with the hard 
little bump, and Chloe started moaning Dana's name, her own 
warm recesses grabbing Dana's inserted fingers tightly. 
With her thumb, Chloe found Dana's pleasure button and 
pushed...

just

so.

Dana gasped and saw lights flashing and stars falling from 
the sky. She was pretty sure they weren't meteors, as they 
were inside a building at the time. After taking a little 
time to catch their breath, Dana said "Well, I can't find 
any evidence that you're concealing any meteoric stone, so 
I suppose I'll have to let you go."

Chloe wrapped her arms around Dana's waist. "Oh," she said 
with a pout, "already? I have a perfectly lovely bed over 
there where we can rest for a while. Besides, it's always 
fun to snuggle after one's been subjected to a full body 
cavity search."

Dana thought this was a lovely idea, so she and Chloe 
tucked themselves under the covers to take a nap.

Fox and Dana never did find any concrete evidence of 
unusual activity in Smallville, but Fox was quite 
convinced, nonetheless, that Clark and Lex were both 
aliens, and vowed to return and probe them himself to be 
sure.

*the end*