Series: Moments Sacred and Profane

Title: MSP15: Last Words

Author: Mice

Email: just_us_mice@yahoo.com

Category: Stargate: Atlantis, McKay/Beckett

Warnings: slash, angst

Spoilers: season one up to Letters from Pegasus

Rating: R

Summary: With the Wraith advancing on Atlantis and no hope in sight, Carson and Rodney wonder how to say goodbye to the ones they left behind.

Archive: If it's on your list, you can archive it. If it isn't and you'd like it, just let me know where you're putting it.

Feedback: Feed me, Seymour.

Website: Mice's Hole in the Wall https://www.squidge.org/mice

Mirror: http://mice.inkpress.org

Disclaimer: Not mine. They belong to many other people. But if they were mine, they'd be having very interesting adventures.

Author's Notes: Amazingly Awesome beta by Abylity. Additional thoughts and comments from Zortified and kaytee4ever. This story takes place during the timeline around Letters from Pegasus.

~~~

Truly all tongues would fail, for neither could

The mind avail, nor any speech be found

For things not to be named nor understood.

~~Dante Allighieri, from The Divine Comedy: Inferno, Canto 28, trans by Dorothy L. Sayers~~

Rodney's eyes snapped open and he looked at the clock. It was 3:42 a.m. Carson was warm next to him, one arm wrapped around his chest. It was wonderful, living with Carson, sleeping with him every night, but inspiration had hit like lightning. He'd thought of a trick that might power the Gate long enough to get a message back to Earth. He couldn't go back to sleep, or even delay getting the basics of his plot sketched out, lest he lose them to the night.

He had to get Zelenka. Refinement was necessary and Radek was the best man he knew to bounce ideas with. He also knew the Jumpers better than anyone else.

Carson stirred, restless as Rodney eased himself out of bed. "Go back to sleep," he whispered, settling a gentle hand on his lover's cheek for a moment. Carson muttered something and one hand reached for him, not finding him. Rodney dressed quickly and hurried off to wake Radek.

***

Carson wasn't awake when Rodney left their bed, but his hand found nothing when he reached out and the lack tugged him to the edge of consciousness. The sheets were still warm where Rodney had lain beside him. Mostly asleep, his hand moved absently and he tugged Rodney's pillow against him, trying to fill the gap left in his awareness.

They had been living together for three days now. Barely awake, the first night in their shared home flicked through his mind in disconnected fragments. He still wasn't sure it was entirely real.

When Geoff and Radek came with friends to move them to their new home, Erin Siwicki had showed up on crutches bearing a loaf of bread, salt, and a bottle of Athosian wine. She'd said it was a Polish custom, generally done at weddings, but he knew it from home as well. It was a blessing, familiar and comfortable in this terrible and frightening place. Carson received it with joy, though it had to be explained to Rodney.

"I bring bread so that you never know hunger or want," she'd said. "The salt I bring because life is sometimes hard and bitter, but we carry on despite it and savor life." She'd handed Carson the bottle of wine and said, "The wine is so you never thirst, and carries a wish for good health, long life, good cheer, and the company of friends."

"You do realize that's just superstitious nonsense," Rodney had replied. Erin had simply grinned at him.

"Yeah," she'd said, "but it's good superstitious nonsense."

He remembered Rodney's kiss when their friends finally left and they had their home to themselves. It was warm and deep and burned itself into Carson's soul, Rodney's arms around him in a circle of strength and love that stole his breath. He had never believed he could have this with Rodney McKay; there were too many things in their way.

When they made love that night for the first time in their bed -- not his bed, not Rodney's, but theirs -- it had been with need and desire and tenderness. He could still feel the warmth of Rodney's hands on his body, the touch of his lover's mouth and traces of breath soft on his neck.

Carson shivered, slipping back into sleep, Rodney's pillow wrapped in his arms.

***

Two days. It had been two days since Carson had seen Rodney for more than ten minutes running. It was really starting to get to him. He knew Rodney was busy and that he'd enlisted Radek in the operation, but neither of them were talking about it. Geoff Osbourne had no idea what was happening either, as he was spending most of his time on Bakla with the naquadah mining operation.

"I think we should kidnap them," Geoff said, sighing as he ran a hand through his hair. They were sitting in the mess hall, staring at their half-eaten food. "Whatever it is, they still have to eat and sleep."

"Oh, Rodney's been eating all right, just not with me." Carson shook his head. "It's all very mysterious, what they're doing. I know they've been down in the Jumper bay quite a bit today but it doesn't seem to have anything to do with maintenance."

"Radek's not talking either. Usually I can't stop him when he's this involved in a project. He likes to tell me all about what he's doing, even if I don't really follow some of the more complicated stuff. This is unusual. It's like he's worried about something."

Carson nodded. "Well, what with the Wraith coming, who isn't worried? Rodney's certain that we'll have to abandon the city. There's no way to defend it, or ourselves."

"I'm surprised he doesn't think the world is coming to an end," Geoff said, poking at his meal.

Carson shifted uncomfortably. He put a hand on Geoff's wrist. "He does," Carson said softly. "He thinks we're all going to die because he can't think of a way to save us."

Geoff blinked and his face fell. "I should have known," he said. "I'm sorry. He's so much better than he thinks. He and Radek will think of something. They always do."

"I wish he had so much faith in himself," Carson said.

Geoff turned his hand and took Carson's, his fingers warm and strong. "We'll get through this. Whatever happens, even if we have to abandon Atlantis, we'll get through this."

"I hope you're right." Carson squeezed Geoff's hand. "We should really try to talk to the lads. If they're not sleeping, they're not going to be thinking very clearly."

Geoff nodded. "I'm not sure I am right now, really. This mining operation has me exhausted, running like crazy at all hours of the day and night. I'm not sure we're going to get enough naquadah to power a generator and that bothers me immensely. We're barely keeping the city running now as it is."

"We're all bein' run ragged, right enough," Carson said. "There's too much to do and not enough time to do it. All the Gate teams are dashing about looking for an Alpha site and Elizabeth's not sure we'll find one in time."

"There must be something."

Carson shrugged. "Most of the uninhabited planets are that way for a reason," he said. "And we can't very well go to inhabited worlds and impose ourselves on them. We'd only be bringing the Wraith upon them ahead of their time, if they found out about it."

Geoff's eyes closed and his hand twitched slightly in Carson's. "This is all so hard. When we came here, I was excited about exploring a new galaxy. I knew I might never go home, but I never really thought the entire expedition could be wiped out like this. It's overwhelming."

"Aye. And Kate's been doing a brisk business of late, as well." He'd had his own reasons for visiting her office for quite some time now, at least since Rodney had told him about his past. The Wraith were only one among the host of troubles in his nightmares.

"I can imagine."

Carson frowned at his plate again. "I don't think I can finish my dinner."

Geoff looked at him, his clear blue eyes dark and sad. "Let's go haul Radek and Rodney out of their lab. Maybe we can make them rest for a little while."

Carson squeezed Geoff's hand and let it go. "That sounds like a good plan." He rose, and Geoff followed him.

***

They found Rodney and Radek in the Jumper bay. Actually, they found them in one of the Jumpers, asleep on one of the benches among cables and crystalline slabs, Radek's head on Rodney's shoulder. Radek had left a little wet, drooly spot on Rodney's shirt.

Geoff chuckled and shook his head. "Pure blackmail material."

Carson smiled. "Oh, aye. What I'd give for a camera right now. But we really need to make them eat."

"Watch this," Geoff said, grinning wickedly. He leaned over and tickled the edge of Radek's ear with one fingertip. Radek twitched and swatted, still asleep. Geoff kept it up, Radek twitching and scratching and swatting until he woke with a start. Rodney kept right on snoring.

Radek blinked. "Zkurvysyne," he muttered.

"I love you too," Geoff said. Radek snorted and shook his head then jostled Rodney.

"Rodney, wake up. We have work to do." He still sounded groggy.

"Actually," Carson said, "you both need to eat, and then we're hauling you off to get some real sleep."

Rodney looked up at them, his hand going to his shoulder. "Ick." He looked over at Radek. "You drooled on me. That's disgusting."

"I don't drool," Radek insisted.

Geoff nodded. "Yes you do."

"That's really immaterial to the matter at hand," Carson said, offering Rodney a hand up. "Come along now, lads. Time for your dinner."

"God, I need a towel," Rodney muttered. "I need a shower." He was bleary-eyed and looked exhausted.

"You need that and food and real sleep too, mo leannan," Carson insisted. He patted Rodney's back as the four of them headed for the mess hall. Geoff had his arm around Radek's shoulders and Radek leaned into him a bit as they walked. Rodney looked at them for a moment then over at Carson and took his hand. Carson smiled back at him.

"Food," Rodney said. "Food is good. Definitely need food."

"Sleep is good," Carson said, "and as far as I can see, you've been getting none of it. You'll be sleeping after you eat if I have to tie your ankle to the bed."

Geoff raised an eyebrow and smiled. "I didn't know you were into that sort of thing, Carson."

Rodney glared at him. "Let's just not go there, okay? The whole Genii thing is still a little too close for jokes."

"It's all right, Rodney. I'm not particularly into that anyway," Carson said.

Rodney gave him the most peculiar look. "What does that mean? 'Not particularly'?"

Carson shrugged as Geoff grinned. Radek watched with interest. "It means not particularly," Carson said with a smile.

"Oh no. That's a non-answer and you're not getting away with that. Does this mean I have to worry about waking up some morning tied to the bed, and you wearing leather chaps or something?"

Geoff and Radek both snorted, holding back laughter. "I didn't have room for the chaps in my gear," Carson said, trying not to visualize the scenario. "And it's a little late to be asking that, now that we're living together, don't you think?"

"Oh, I *so* didn't need to know that!" Rodney grimaced. "I could still move out. Maybe. Like, if I woke up like that."

"You don't have time," Radek said. "We have too much to do before the Wraith get here."

"Doomed," Rodney said. "I swear I'm doomed."

Carson raised an eyebrow. "And after five days, living with me is so bad?"

Rodney scowled as they entered the mess hall. "I'm going to die in my sleep, the victim of some heinous BDSM scene, because you have kinks you're 'not particularly' into."

Carson snorted. "Och, Rodney, I'll tell you about anything you ask, but not here." He grinned at the unnerved expression on his lover's face. He honestly wasn't particularly kinky but getting Rodney off balance now and then did have its appeal.

Rodney rubbed his face with the flat palm of one hand and dragged Radek into the chow line. Geoff and Carson both went to claim seats, as they'd eaten before they went to find their lovers.

"Mac and cheese," Rodney announced as he slapped an MRE down on the table. "Tastes like chicken." He sat next to Carson and promptly started playing with his feet under the table. Carson poked back, wrapping his leg around Rodney's.

Radek sat with Geoff, a bowl of soup and some bread on his tray. "I think the soup is a safer bet. Stackhouse found something like beets last week. This smells almost like borscht. Now, if only some sour cream." He had a wistful look on his face. "I miss home," he said softly.

"We all do," Carson replied, reaching across the table to pat Radek's hand. "It's impossible not to, mo ch‡raid."

Radek looked at Geoff. "At least I have you here. This is more than I would have thought. I wish that you would be safe but, since we are here, it's best we are together." He put one arm around Geoff and leaned into him for a moment before he started into his soup. Geoff's eyes softened and wrinkled as he smiled, and Carson could see the love in his face. It was a thing of beauty in the harshness of their situation.

Sometimes it amazed him that anyone had found love in a place like this, with all the horror and misery around them, but Teyla's people had been living it for millennia. He had no right to despair. And he had Rodney.

Admittedly, Rodney was a blustery, disagreeable sod on a regular basis, but there was so much between them and he did truly love the man. He smiled at Rodney, wondering if his own face showed it as Geoff's did.

Rodney ate quickly, as though he were ravenous. It didn't surprise Carson and he just sat and waited, not wanting to interrupt. He watched Rodney, noting the deep exhaustion in the way he held himself, and the dark rings starting under his eyes. He knew he couldn't make his lover sleep through the night, but if he managed to keep him for a few hours, it would help at least a bit.

"As soon as you're done, it's off to bed with you," Carson said.

Rodney poked at the still-damp spot on his shirt. "Shower first," he said, mouth full.

"Right enough, then. Shower first," Carson agreed. It would help Rodney relax, and he was a wee bit ripe from the past two days. Better they didn't have to cope with it. He might love the man but he didn't want to have him reeking if they could help it.

"This also sounds like a good idea," Radek said, sipping at his soup. He looked as drained and exhausted as Rodney did. The truth was, everyone was looking more exhausted lately. Carson suspected most weren't sleeping well, if they slept at all. The mood around the city was distinctly fatalistic.

Rodney finished first and Carson took him by one arm and looked at Radek and Geoff. "I'll bid you both good night," he said, "and take my wayward lad home."

"You're making me sound like some recalcitrant toddler," Rodney snapped.

Carson smiled. "Only because you are, love." He tugged at Rodney's elbow. "Come along, now. It's time for your shower and bed."

"I have too much to do," he growled.

"And you'll do it far better if you've had some sleep, now, won't you?"

"You're no fun, Carson." Rodney glared at him as they headed out the door. Carson could hear Geoff and Radek chuckling behind them.

"You never say that when I've got you in bed."

Rodney grinned at him, a wicked look in his eyes. "That's the only time you *are* fun."

Carson whacked him on the back of the head with an open hand. "Ith mo bhod," he said.

Rodney shook his head. "You know, insulting me works much better when I understand what you're saying."

"Suck me, Rodney."

"If I just had the time..."

"You should wish you were so lucky." They were most of the way to their quarters now but their banter was quiet enough that they weren't attracting attention. "You need sleep, though, not sex."

"I'd sleep so much better--"

"Oh, no, Rodney. It'd be wham, bam, thank you Carson and you'd nip back off to work."

Rodney grinned. "You'd be asleep anyway, so how would you know?"

"I know you too well."

Rodney's arm slid around his waist. "Maybe you do." It was softer than his banter and the look in his eyes was gentle, almost regretful. It took Carson aback.

"Are you sorry we're together, then?"

Rodney shook his head. "No. Never think that." He opened their door. "I'm just ready to pass out from exhaustion, but I really shouldn't let this project go. It's important."

"Whatever it is, it can wait for a wee bit." Carson tugged at Rodney's shirt. "You need a shower. You reek."

Rodney grimaced. "You're right. And Zelenka slobbered on me." He pulled his shirt off and tossed it across the living room.

"Oh, now, don't be doin' that!" Carson went to pick it up as Rodney stripped off the rest of his clothes.

"You can't join me if you're not naked," Rodney said, grumpy.

Carson just sighed and looked at him. "Why do I bother?" he asked, and dumped Rodney's clothes on the couch. He shed his own and followed his lover into the shower.

They held each other under the hot, falling water for several minutes, not moving. Eventually Rodney sighed and his body started to relax. Carson relaxed with him. He was tired too. Grabbing a cloth, he soaped Rodney's back and scrubbed. Rodney groaned and leaned into the wall with both hands.

"You need more rest," Carson said. "You'll just get more aches if you don't." He moved his hands gently over Rodney's body, massaging stressed muscles with long strokes.

Rodney didn't look up, his eyes closed, head bowed into the stream of water. "In just over a week, none of this is going to matter," he said softly.

Carson let his hands move over Rodney's shoulders, pressing into knots and working through them. "That's bollocks. We'll find an Alpha site. We'll survive this." He wondered which of them needed the most convincing.

"I'm sorry you have to be here, Carson," Rodney said, leaning his forehead into the wall. "I'm sorry you've had to go through so much crap. I wish you could be home again. I wish I could get us all there."

Carson wrapped himself around Rodney's wet body, nuzzling under one dripping ear. "None of us can change that," he said. "But at least if I'm here, you're with me."

"Oh, that's so comforting," Rodney snarled. "I get to watch you die along with all my friends." He thumped the wall with one fist. "I wish I could make you safe."

"That's the Major's job, love," Carson said. He kissed Rodney's neck. "He'll find some way to take care of us. Doesn't he always?"

"Mostly because I'm the one who has the brilliant ideas."

"I happen to know he's had a few of his own," Carson told him. He squeezed him. "You're clean now, anyway. Time for bed. Let's get ourselves dry." He tugged a towel from the rack as Rodney turned the water off. "Here."

Rodney took it without comment, moving slowly. Carson suspected he might be half asleep already. The towel brushed along his body almost hypnotically and Carson let Rodney lean against him as they dried themselves.

"This sucks," Rodney muttered, hanging up his towel.

"What does, love?"

"Damned project. It's frustrating."

Carson looked out from under his towel, hands in his hair. "What is it that you're doing anyway?"

Rodney sighed and shook his head. "I think we're close to a breakthrough. If we can work it out, I'll tell you about it tomorrow at the morning briefing."

"Why not now?" Carson finished drying himself and followed Rodney into their bedroom.

Rodney flopped down on the bed. "Because it probably won't work."

"You know, you always say that."

Rodney looked up at him. "I do not. All my plans will work." He paused for a moment. "Well, most of them, anyway." He reached up to Carson with one hand. "You're the one who insisted I sleep. Get over here."

"Under the covers, mo leannan." Carson let Rodney pull him down onto the bed and put his arms around him as he got underneath as well.

"Mmm." Rodney snuggled up to him, head on Carson's shoulder. It took him a minute to get comfortable and settled but he was asleep almost instantly afterwards. Carson stroked a hand slowly through his lover's damp hair.

***

Carson was fast asleep when he woke. A quick look at the clock told him he'd got maybe two hours of sleep, but the project was pressing. He sighed, wishing he could stay, but there just wasn't time for more sleep or for snuggling up to Carson's warmth.

He got up and tossed on some clothes then hurried down to the Jumper bay. Radek was already there.

"What took you so long?" Radek asked.

"How long did you sleep?"

Radek shrugged. "Maybe half an hour. Geoff was unconscious as soon as his head was on the pillow."

Rodney just stared at him, astonished. He had no idea the little guy had that much in him. Really, Zelenka was quite extraordinary in his own way. He picked up his data pad and started poking at the Jumper's innards. "I had an idea while I was asleep," he said. "I think I've figured how we can link them all into the system."

Radek looked at him and blinked then grinned. "Yes? This I must hear!"

***

Everyone had been surprised by his suggestion. He still wasn't entirely sure it would work but the faster he and Radek got to it, the quicker they'd find out. Carson followed Rodney out of the morning briefing.

"Messages home, Rodney? Really? You think we can do that?" The hope in Carson's voice was almost painful to hear.

Rodney waved a hand impatiently. "I'm not *sure.* This is why we're going to give it a try. We needed Elizabeth's approval before we could link the Jumpers. With one missing, I'm not sure we'll have enough power, but I know the Major has to go out on this little scouting expedition of his."

Carson gave him a concerned look. "I hope they stay well hidden. I don't want to see either of them hurt."

Rodney nodded. "Neither do I. They have this surprising habit of covering my ass when we're offworld."

"And that's the only reason, I'm sure," Carson said with a snort.

"Oh, right. Get on your high horse there, Carson. Like you want somebody shooting my ass off?"

Carson arched an eyebrow at him. "Not as such, no."

"Well, then," Rodney said, grinning.

Carson's mouth quirked into a wry expression. "Rodney, I don't know what to say to anyone."

"You... you don't?" That surprised Rodney. "You don't want to say goodbye to your mother?"

Carson closed his eyes for a moment, sadness on his face. "I don't want to upset her."

Rodney stopped in the hallway, turning to face his lover. "I did this for you," he said softly. "I can't send you home. I can't make sure you're safe. The..." he took a deep breath. "The only thing I can do is try to give you a way you can at least say goodbye."

Carson looked at him. "Rodney," he said. He stepped over to Rodney and put his arms around him. Rodney held him for a long moment.

"I wish I could do more," Rodney whispered.

***

"Hand me that circuit," Radek said, pointing to the one in Rodney's left hand. They'd been mucking about among the crystalline panels of the Jumpers' drives for the past three hours, trying to get the engines wired into a series that could safely be connected to the Stargate's power supply.

Rodney slapped it into his hand. "Well, this is two down." It had been painstaking work. With all their best efforts, it was still going to take another five hours to get everything wired together. He had Simpson and Kavanagh and that Japanese woman -- Kusanagi, he thought her name was -- working on another Jumper. He knew they would have to check Kavanagh's work, though Simpson was usually more than competent enough.

"On to next Jumper," Radek said. He took off his glasses as they strung cables between Jumper Five and Jumper Six, rubbing his eyes.

"Tired?" Rodney asked, already knowing the answer. He was exhausted himself.

Radek blinked at him, owlish. "Sleep is for the weak," he muttered.

"Not like I could sleep if I went to bed anyway," Rodney concurred quietly. "All I can see when I close my eyes are Wraith Hiveships hovering over the city."

Radek slipped his glasses back on. "You also, then?" Rodney nodded, sighing. Radek rested a hand on his shoulder. "I think we are not the only ones, my friend."

Rodney slipped his hand to Radek's arm for a moment, giving it a squeeze. "Work now. Panic later."

"Always time for panic later," Radek agreed.

"Especially if this doesn't work," Rodney said. "I mean we might fry the entire city's power grid."

Radek looked at him. "This will work."

"How do you know?"

Radek smiled softly. "Because we thought of it."

Rodney chuckled. "Yeah, we did, didn't we?" They started their work on Jumper Six.

***

He didn't know what to say to his mum, with Ford standing there recording all of it. No matter what Aiden said, there was no doubt in Carson's mind that the U.S. military was going to be looking at every word of it.

He'd tried. He'd honestly tried, but when he broke down in tears in front of the Lieutenant it had been just too much. "I can't do this," he said, and hurried from the room to collect himself.

And truly, what could he tell her that wouldn't upset her? 'Hello, mum. I just wanted you to know that I'm far from home and I'm like to die within the fortnight'? Oh, that would surely give the poor woman a stroke and kill her. Just what he'd want, of course; to kill his mum, who'd sacrificed so much for him over the years.

He wiped his eyes on his sleeve and took a few deep breaths. "Right, Carson," he muttered to himself. "At least try to act like a grown man here." There had to be something positive he could say. He had, after all, met some of the most incredible people on the expedition. He'd made friends.

He'd fallen in love.

Mum would like that, he knew. She'd always worried that he was too absorbed in his work and that he didn't have time for someone in his life. The past four or five years back home on Earth, she'd been after him, wondering when he'd settle down, or maybe even get married.

He sighed. She knew about him, that he liked the lads as well as the lasses, and that didn't seem to particularly bother her, though he knew she wished she had a grandchild. That wasn't like to happen now, if it ever had been.

Aye, maybe he'd tell her about Rodney.

***

"What are you going do to with your message home?" Radek asked. Rodney didn't answer, so he poked him in the shoulder with a patch cord.

"Hmm?"

"Your message. You will have one, yes?"

Rodney snorted. "Yes, I'm going to put together a message for no one in all my copious spare time." He didn't bother looking up, still analyzing the crystalline circuit boards in Jumper Six's cluster.

Radek tilted his head. "No one? But you said you have a sister. Do you not wish to send her a message?"

Rodney pulled his head out of the circuitry and looked at him. "I don't even know where she lives, okay? I haven't seen her since she left home." He looked upset and stuffed his head back into the works.

"I'm sorry. I did not mean to upset you." Radek put his hand on Rodney's back, and Rodney startled, bumping his head on the casing.

"Ow, shit." He pulled his head out again and glared at Radek. "What?"

"Sorry. But I do think your government would find her if you sent her a message. I do not believe you would have to know where she is yourself. Perhaps you should consider this."

"Like she'd even want to hear from me," Rodney muttered.

Radek's hand tightened in the fabric of Rodney's shirt. "You don't know this. You are her brother. Perhaps she misses you? Perhaps she wonders what happened to you after she left? Why did she go and never contact you? Surely it was not anything you did?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Rodney--"

"Look, if you wanna talk about this, who are *you* sending a message home to?" Rodney thumped a hand against the bulkhead. "Parents? Siblings? Ex-boyfriend?"

Radek shook his head. "My daughter."

"Yeah. Okay, your--" Rodney's eyes got big. "Wait a minute. You have a daughter?"

"I do," Radek said. Thinking of her always made him sad. He hadn't seen her in so long.

"You had a daughter and you *left* her? How could you do that?" There was anger in Rodney's eyes, and disbelief. "How could you treat your kid that way? How--"

Radek shook his head. "I had no choice. Her mother took her from me. We divorced when she was six months old. I have not seen her since."

Rodney stopped in mid-rant. "Took her?"

He nodded. "Yes, Rodney. Took her. In the night, when I was away."

"But--"

"There were divorce papers on the table when I got home. She had been planning it almost since our daughter was born."

Rodney blinked. "I... Radek, I'm sorry. I didn't know."

"I do not speak of her often. It's no real use, you know? I cannot see her while I am here. I am not allowed to when I am home." He shrugged. "I do miss her."

"How old?" Rodney asked softly.

"She is four now." He took a deep breath. It still hurt.

"Why?"

"Kamila discovered that I also like men." He sat on the Jumper's bench. "I did not mean for her to find out."

Rodney sat next to him. "How did that happen?"

Radek slumped his shoulders and sighed. "Once, an old boyfriend came to visit me, from my university days. We had a little too much vodka. We said too much. I did not know this at the time."

"Ouch. And she didn't say anything?" There was sympathy in his eyes. It was unusual for Rodney, but Radek had been seeing a more human side to him since he'd been with Carson. Many people had noticed it.

Radek shook his head. "No. Not then. I think Kamila was not sure what to do." He rested his chin in his hands.

Rodney put a hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry. I had no idea." He paused uncomfortably for a moment. "What... um, what's your daughter's name?"

"Marjeta," he replied. "It means 'pearl.'"

"That's... um, that's nice. Marjeta."

"I miss her," Radek said. He closed his eyes, willing the tears away. "I do not even know what she looks like, but I miss her." He heard Rodney shift, then a warm arm slipped around his shoulders.

"If we get out of this, we should talk to the SGC. They might be able to fix it so you could see her."

Radek sighed. "We will not get out of this, Rodney. It is hopeless."

"Oh, come on. That's my line. You're supposed to be the optimistic one."

He smiled a little. "I suppose I am. We Eastern Europeans are famed for our optimism. If the crop does not fail, we will definitely have blizzard."

Rodney snorted. "Yeah. Like that. If the Wraith don't eat us, the Genii will blow up the city."

Radek nodded. "It is always so."

***

Elizabeth entered the infirmary quietly. Shel Tuchman greeted her. "What can we do for you today, Dr. Weir?"

She sighed. "It's not much," she said. "Just a headache."

Tuchman nodded. "Yeah, a lot of that going around lately."

"Headaches?"

"Stress," Tuchman said. "Everyone's affected. We're all worried. It manifests physically for a lot of people. Headaches, nausea, nightmares, insomnia. The usual."

"That makes sense," Elizabeth said. "Is Dr. Beckett in?"

"He's in his office, if you want to see him." She gestured Elizabeth through.

Elizabeth walked through the organized chaos that was the infirmary. It was usually spotless, but clutter was the order of the day. Carson's office was in the back of the area, small and a little dim because of its location.

He was in his small space, bent over his laptop, intent on whatever it was he was doing. She stood and watched as he typed and paused, typed and paused. The man had broad, sloping shoulders and always seemed to her to carry a sense of strength and purpose in him. He was nervous, to be sure, but a solid man and braver than he knew.

Carson Beckett was also one of the kindest men she'd ever met. Like so many others now, he was pushing himself to the edge of his endurance for the sake of the city and its people. She knew none of them had a choice about this, but the people on her expedition were continually amazing her with their resilience and resourcefulness.

"Carson?"

He looked up then stretched, arms out at a wide angle over his head as he bent back in his chair. "Elizabeth. I hope nothing's amiss?"

"Just a headache," she said. "Stress, most likely."

He nodded and gestured at the other chair near his desk. "Aye, that wouldn't surprise me. Have a seat. How are you sleeping?"

She sat and sighed. "Not well," she admitted.

"I didn't think so. I don't know of anyone who is now. Coffee?" He held out a carafe to her and gestured to a clean cup on a shelf near her chair.

"Thanks. I could use some." She picked up the mug and let him pour for her.

"It's only an hour or so old. Still a fair temperature."

She smiled and nodded. "Sounds good."

"Caffeine," he said, "it potentiates the meds for your headache."

"That sounds like a really good excuse to drink it," she said with a chuckle.

He grinned. "Aye. I'll get you some acetaminophen here in a moment. Why don't you stay a few minutes. Get yourself out of the office."

She sipped at the black coffee. "I could use the break."

"I thought so." He poured a bit more into his own cup. "Have you recorded your message with Lt. Ford, then?"

She shook her head. "No, not yet." She took a deep breath, taking in the scent of the coffee. There was very little left, but it had been dwindling rapidly with everyone convinced they were going to die soon. "I'm having some trouble with the idea, really." She looked up, gazing into his grey-blue eyes. He really was an attractive man.

"What's wrong, then?"

"I have so many death notices, Carson. I have to record messages for all the families of everyone we've lost. That's... that's a hard task."

He nodded. "Aye, that it is. I always hate that bit, having to tell a person someone they love has died."

"I don't suppose you know of any way to make it easier?" She doubted that, but had to ask.

"No," he said. "I'm sorry, Elizabeth. There's naught to make that one any easier, ever. It's always the worst job. It's just heartbreaking, and so many of the military folk being so young as well." He sighed. "Poor Markham." Sorrow ghosted through his eyes. He'd watched the Jumper explode. She'd sent him up to fight the Wraith because she'd had no one else.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I never wanted you to have to face that."

"What's done is done, luv. We can't ever take it back. I don't wish to have to do it again but I know why you had to send me." He reached out and took her hand. Carson's was warm, his fingers strong but gentle around hers.

"I hope someday you'll forgive me for it," she said.

"Nothing to forgive, lass. It was needed. You're our leader. You have to make the hard decisions, and even if I argue, I respect them -- and you. That was just another in a long list of difficult moments. I don't envy you your job."

"Thank you." She sipped at her coffee again, letting herself feel the solidity of Carson's hand. "You're a good friend, Carson."

"And you, Elizabeth." He smiled at her, but it didn't reach his eyes. "Let me get you that medication." He let go of her hand and dug around in a desk drawer, pulling out a bottle. He tipped a pair of white pills into her open palm. "This should help a bit."

"Have you recorded your message yet?" she asked him.

He put the cap back on the bottle and shook his head. "No. Not yet. I tried, but it was so hard to know what to say. And mum, she's so delicate. I can't bear the thought of upsetting her. It's hard to say goodbye like this."

She nodded. "I know. I'm still not sure what to say to Simon."

"Whatever you tell him, I'm sure he'll understand. If you're with him, he must be a good man." He sighed.

"This has been so unfair to him." She downed the pills with some coffee. They were bitter with the warm liquid. "I can't in good conscience ask him to wait for me. If we die out here..."

Carson leaned back in his chair. "I think you're right. And telling him that will be the hard part, I'm sure. Telling him to move on."

"Yes. Though I suspect that you'll know what to say to your mother when you try again."

"I've a few ideas, finally," he said. "I'd like to tell her about Rodney."

Elizabeth smiled. "I think that's a fine idea."

"I think I can say goodbye, if I can leave her thinking I'm happy," he said softly.

She nodded. "Carson, if anyone can find a way out of our situation, it's this group. Our people are some of the best and brightest I've ever known. I'm not giving up hope yet. I don't want you to, either."

He looked at her. "I'm doing my best. I can't promise I'll be cheerful, but I'll at least keep on."

Elizabeth smiled at him and stood. She rubbed his shoulder with one hand. "That's all I can ask. Don't give up."

"Thank you," he said. "I won't. I needed to hear that."

"So did I." It was time to find Lt. Ford and get started.

***

"I think we've found it," Sgt. Bates said. "We have a potential Alpha site."

Elizabeth smiled. "That's wonderful. Tell me about the planet."

He nodded. "No human population we've been able to find. No threatening megafauna. There are edible plant species there, and a complex of limestone caves about a mile and a half from the Gate that can be easily expanded to accommodate our population. Open fresh water sources very near the cave complex. We haven't been able to ascertain yet if there's water running within the complex, but if there is, we won't have to expose ourselves for our water supply while we're waiting to have a well drilled."

"This is all good," she replied.

Bates nodded. "It sure is, Ma'am. I think this is the first good news I've had in weeks. We may even have some geothermal activity near enough for energy production."

"Wonderful. As soon as the Major returns, I'll send his team out for final investigation and approval. Until then, get a couple of the geologists and investigate the stability of the cave complex, the geothermal sources, and the water tables. The sooner we can drill for a well there, the better."

"You got it, Doctor," Bates said. He stood.

"And Sergeant?"

"Yes?"

"As soon as you've had some lunch, report to Lt. Ford to record your message home."

"Yes, Ma'am!" He hurried away.

She sat back in her seat and smiled, sighing with relief.

***

Rodney fiddled with the video camera. He'd made some notes for his message home. Mostly he intended to address the people back at Stargate Command. Then there were his insights for the world at large.

He had a stack of note cards with observations he'd made about leadership; things he'd learned in his years of working at universities, at Area 51, and in the field with the Major. Actually, he'd learned a lot about leadership from John Sheppard, though he'd never say so to the man's face. Sheppard already had enough going for him, with that bed head hair and the too-pretty face.

He would tell them about the heroic struggle of the Atlantean expedition, about the horrors of the Wraith, about his own brilliant role in their explorations. True, they were all going to die soon, but his brilliance could still be appreciated, and the more widely the better.

Exhaustion was setting in but he straightened his uniform and tried to compose himself. He had an hour to work with on the tape. Most of it would be good, he knew. The world would want to preserve his wisdom for posterity. He hoped Sam Carter would be impressed. As much as he loved Carson, he still had a definite thing for her.

It was the hair, he thought. And the tits. And that brain, really. Damned if she wasn't the smartest woman he'd ever met. He'd lied when he claimed he was attracted to dumb blondes. He'd just been afraid the smart ones would never come near him. Carter acted like he had leprosy most of the time, but he knew she was secretly attracted to him.

Not that he could blame her. It was that love-hate thing they had going, the animal magnetism pulsing between them. He knew if they ever got naked together, it would be magnificent.

God, he was an idiot.

Now Carson, Carson was really something, and the sex was better than anything he'd ever imagined. Not that he could tell anyone about it. The last thing he needed was for it to get around Stargate Command. The Air Force tended to frown on such things. Then again, it wasn't like all of Atlantis didn't know already. It was bound to come up at some point.

And he loved Carson. Lived with him. He'd pretty much sworn the rest of his all-too-short life to the man, though god only knew what they'd do if they survived the next week. He hadn't been thinking in the long term when he asked Carson to share a home with him. He'd been thinking weeks, not years. Not that years would be a bad thing, really. It sounded good actually, when he thought about it. A bit intimidating, but... good.

He was so tired. He wanted to sleep. He wanted to curl up next to Carson and never open his eyes again. Not that this would be heroic or anything, but it would feel so good. He was glad Carson loved him; glad they'd found each other, even if they were going to die in a few days.

He wished it would all go away. Unfortunately, it wouldn't. He had work to do.

"And in five, four, three..."

***

It was done. Sheppard and Teyla were home safe, with new refugees. They had an Alpha site. The Gate had opened as he'd theorized, and the transmission was sent.

They'd packed everything they possibly could into the one point three seconds of databurst. What little hope they had was riding on the information they'd sent. The idea that Earth might be able to respond was ludicrous, but right now they were all willing to grasp at straws. He needed hope desperately.

Rodney sank down on the bed, waiting for Carson. He could barely keep his eyes open. "You coming?"

"Aye, give me a minute." Carson was tossing his clothes into the laundry bag. "It's been a long day, mo leannan, and I'm moving a wee bit slowly."

"I noticed." Carson slipped into bed next to him and Rodney finally lay down. They twined their arms and legs around one another and Rodney sighed, exhausted. "So what did you finally tell your mom?" He nuzzled Carson's neck.

"I told her I love her." Carson pulled him close. "I was goin' to tell her about you, but Lt. Ford interrupted me to tell me I can't say Earthlings -- as if my own mum doesn't know what planet I was born on!" He snorted. "I got a bit sidetracked after that and didn't have a chance to say anything about you, love. I'm sorry. I wanted her to know."

Rodney nodded. "It's probably better it didn't have to go through the censors, Carson."

"Censors? Lt. Ford said only my mum would see it." Carson shifted, upset.

"No. Unfortunately, they have to check everything for security purposes. It's why I didn't say anything about you." He sighed as he settled against Carson's warm body.

"Oh dear. But all I wanted to do was tell mum that I'd found someone to love. That you make me happy, despite what we're up against." He looked sad. "Why should that hurt anything, or have to go through censors?"

Rodney ran a hand through Carson's hair. "I make you happy?" He blinked. "Even in the middle of all this?"

Carson nodded. "Oh, aye. You do." He kissed Rodney softly.

"I love you," Rodney whispered. "God, I love you so much." He held onto Carson tightly. He wished he wasn't so exhausted, because as much as he wanted the man right now, nothing at all was happening downstairs. That bothered him.

"And I you. Did you send a message to your sister, then?" Carson nibbled at his collarbone gently.

Rodney took a deep breath. "Yeah. Yeah, I did. Maybe if we get through this, she'll... maybe we can see her someday. I'd like that."

"I'd like that as well," Carson said. "I hope someday I can take you to meet my mum. I think she'd like you."

Rodney snorted. "Right. Old ladies love me. Girlscouts and nuns, too."

"My mum's no old lady," Carson snapped. "She's a lovely older woman. Kind, generous; a saint if there ever was one."

"Sorry," he muttered. Rule number one, never insult Carson's mom. "I'm so damned tired." Or was that Rule number two? Rule number one seemed to be 'no harassment before caffeine.' He could never keep his rule numbers straight.

Carson nodded against his neck. "Sleep then, Rodney. You need rest. So do I." There was the warmth of a sigh in the crook of his neck and Carson relaxed.

"Night, Carson."

"Goodnight, love."

He thought the lights out and closed his eyes, trying not to think of the coming Wraith.

~~pau~~

Czech in the story:

Zkurvysyne -- son of a bitch

Gaelic in the story:

Ith mo bhod -- suck my dick (lit. eat my penis)