Series: Moments Sacred and Profane

Title: MSP12: Meditations on the Abyss

Author: Mice

Email: just_us_mice@yahoo.com

Category: Stargate: Atlantis, McKay/Beckett

Warnings: slash, angst

Spoilers: Poisoning the Well, Hot Zone, The Eye, 38 Minutes, Hide and Seek, general Wraithness

Rating: NC17

Summary: Rodney and Carson deal with death and evil nanovirii. Much angst is had.

Archive: If it's on your list, you can archive it. If it isn't and you'd like it, just let me know where you're putting it.

Feedback: Feed me, Seymour.

Website: Mice's Hole in the Wall https://www.squidge.org/mice

Mirror: http://mice.inkpress.org

Disclaimer: Not mine. They belong to many other people. But if they were mine, they'd be having very interesting adventures.

Author's Notes: Thanks to Abylity for godlike beta, and Fledge for her draconic musings.

~~~

Before you meet death changes you;

alive still with his fingermarks

on us...

~~Odysseas Elytis, from Patmos, trans by Olga Broumas~~

Nothing he tried was doing anything. The autopsies revealed incredibly precise results but Rodney and Hays were running out of time. Carson was sweating in the hazmat suit, unable to even wipe his face. His heart thundered against his ribs as the deadline neared.

He had to be the strong one, always; the one who couldn't show how much it hurt to watch his lover dying. He had to be everyone's doctor now, not Rodney's lover. One life against the potential of a virulent, fatal outbreak with a six-hour incubation period -- he couldn't afford his despair. There was no time.

Hays collapsed with a scream, struggling violently, and flatlined. Rodney's voice called him away from Hays' body and he stood, watching in horror as Rodney frantically spoke his last thoughts. He was frozen to the spot, wanting desperately to hold the man one last time, but with the suit on it was impossible.

And Rodney looked around him, shrieked in terror, flailing at the ghosts in his mind, and died. Carson rushed to his side as he fell, blood oozing from his ears, nose and mouth. The heart monitor screamed its deathly monotone. Rodney was gone.

Carson gasped and woke, cold and shaking and sweating. He was alone.

He ignored the twist in his gut that told him Rodney was dead. It hadn't happened like that. The ATA gene therapy had saved his life, and as much as Carson sometimes cursed that bloody gene, he was glad now that he'd found it, that he'd given it to Rodney. Glad that Rodney and Major Sheppard had come up with a plan to kill the nanovirus.

One hand ran slowly across the pillow he sometimes shared with his lover. Rodney had been there when he'd gone to sleep, but it was cool now. He hadn't been there in some time. Carson blinked and shuddered, wrapping his arms around himself.

There was a scribbled note on the stand beside the bed and Carson brought the lights up to read it.

"Couldn't sleep," it read. "Went for a walk. Too much to think about. Love you, R."

Carson stretched and tried to push the nightmare images aside. Rodney was fine. He'd gone for a walk. All the same, Carson didn't want to be alone; he needed to see Rodney, to hear his voice, touch him and reassure himself that his lover was still alive. He got up, dressed, and went off to find him.

Rodney was where Carson expected him to be, on one of the balconies they often went to at night. He was leaning motionless against the railing, staring up at the stars. Carson approached quietly but Rodney turned as he got close.

"Hey."

Carson nodded and came to stand beside him. "I couldn't sleep either," he said.

Rodney moved over a step or two, wrapping his arms around Carson from behind, and rested his chin on Carson's shoulder. "You okay?"

"No," Carson whispered. "No, I'm not." Rodney held him tighter, and Carson took Rodney's hands, pressing them to him. "You almost died today."

"But I didn't," Rodney said. "I'm fine, Carson. I'm still alive thanks to you and your gene therapy. And here I thought all it would be good for was opening doors and turning on blinking alien technology." He could feel Rodney's crooked grin against his cheek, then a soft, warm kiss.

"All I can see is my failure," Carson said softly. "When I close my eyes, all I see is you, dying."

Rodney held him tighter. "I'm not dead." He laughed. "God, I'm not dead!" He took a deep breath and sighed it out, a pleased sound. "As far as I'm concerned, nothing else matters, okay? You didn't fail; you kept me alive."

"But not Hays," Carson said, eyes closing. "Not Peterson or Dumais or the others." The warmth of Rodney's arms was comforting, and the sound of his voice in his ear. The wash of Rodney's breath on his cheek kept the image of him lying dead on the floor at bay. "Almost not Aiden and Radek."

"Ford and Zelenka are fine. We're all fine." Rodney's voice shifted subtly, a ghost of sorrow beneath the happiness. "We lost some good people today, but I don't see how we could have avoided it. It's not your fault."

"I should have read the Ancients' file more closely, Rodney. Maybe we'd have figured out earlier that it was technological. Maybe we'd have been able to disable it faster and saved Hays. Maybe--"

Rodney snapped at him. "Damn it, enough with this maybe shit. You can't change the past. What happened happened." He loosened his arms and turned Carson so they were facing each other, looking into his eyes. "You did everything you could. You're a medical doctor, not an engineer. How the hell were you supposed to know you were looking at nanotechnology until we found that in the files?"

"I should ha--"

"Fuck should have! The dead don't give a shit. They're gone and we can't bring them back. You're here. I'm here. Let's... let's just be happy with that, okay?" Rodney leaned in and kissed him fiercely and Carson gave in to it, feeling the moist heat of lips and tongue and the sharpness of teeth as Rodney pulled him against his body.

He wrapped himself around Rodney, not wanting to let go. He knew Rodney was all right but part of him couldn't shake the fear. It coiled in his gut, chilling him even in the warmth of their embrace.

"Carson," Rodney whispered in astonishment, "you're shaking." He couldn't deny it so he simply clung to Rodney, saying nothing, breathing in the scent of his lover's skin. "Hey. Come on, now. It's okay."

He stayed silent, fearing that if he spoke his voice would fail him and he'd weep. Rodney put a hand on his cheek and looked deep into his eyes. "Carson?" Carson shuddered and Rodney's eyes widened. "Come on, let's get you back home," Rodney said.

He took Carson by the hand and led him away from the balcony. When they got back to Carson's place, Rodney brought him to the bed and sat down, pulling Carson down into his lap, nestled between his legs. He curled himself around Carson and held on tightly.

"Talk to me," Rodney said.

"Sometimes I want so badly to go home," Carson whispered miserably.

"I'm still working on it," Rodney said. "Give me time."

"I don't want to die out here," Carson continued. "I don't want you to die out here. What would I do without you?" He burrowed into Rodney's arms, trying to feel warm again, knots forming in his gut.

"You did just fine without me your entire life." Rodney shook his head. "I realize I'm irreplaceable, but you'd be fine if anything happened to me."

Carson sighed. "It's different now, and you know it. No, mo leannan, I wouldn't be fine if you died." His voice shifted, almost cracking. "I almost lost you today. I had to stand there and watch as you were dying before me, and there was naught I could do."

"It's over," Rodney said softly. "Come on, Carson. We figured it out. We stopped it. The only thing that really worries me is who the hell put that damned thing together."

"It's not so easy as that."

"It is."

Carson's fingers tightened in Rodney's shirt. "I hate this," he said. "I hate that I don't know what I'm doing, and that there are horrid things out there that want to eat us, and that you go through the Gate and you may never come back--"

Rodney stopped his litany with a kiss, but Carson found it hard to reciprocate. He pulled away a bit.

"Let's just focus on what's important here," Rodney said. "I can get your mind off all that."

Carson shook his head. "Rodney, I can't right now. It's just all too close. I need for you to talk to me. I think that might help at least a wee bit."

"Talk," Rodney said. "Talk. What do you want me to talk about?"

"Anything." He rested his head on Rodney's shoulder, and Rodney stroked his back gently.

"Umm..." Rodney paused for a moment. "So, uh, when we do get home, what do you want to do?"

Trust Rodney to ask that question, Carson thought. As if they'd ever actually see Earth again. "I'd... I'd go back to Glasgow to see mum," he said, "then I think I'd take her up to Skye so I could see the rest of the family. I wonder if she's been out to see them lately?"

"Is that it?" Rodney seemed surprised.

"Not really, but it's what I want to do most right now. What about you?"

Rodney laughed. "I'd get my cat from that bimbo next door. I want to bring him back here if I'm going to be staying."

"Oh, they'll never let you take your cat through the Gate, Rodney." He smiled a wee smile at the thought of Rodney trying to bring a cat back to Atlantis, and having a fight with General O'Neill about it.

"Hey, Sam Carter gave her cat to an alien. He took the cat through the Gate, so obviously there are no cat-related problems with Gate travel."

Carson twinged at the mention of Lt. Col. Carter's name. "You'd want to see her, too, I imagine."

"Who?"

"Lt. Col. Carter, of course. Even though she's seeing some lad."

"Oh, yeah, Sam." Rodney grinned broadly, eyes lighting up. "God, I've got so much to tell her about what's happened out here! She'd be amazed. I'd blow her away with some of the things I've managed to do. I'm so fucking cool." There was pride and excitement in his voice and it made Carson feel a bit better.

"You've done right wonders, Rodney," he said softly. Still alive. Rodney was still alive. "You've saved so many lives." He didn't speak the grating thought that he'd cost more lives than anyone on the expedition.

"I've lost a few too," Rodney said, subdued now, his grin vanishing. "Gall and Abrams, Dumais, Peterson, Hays, the others. I still don't know how to cope with all that."

Carson shivered. "And I still don't know how to cope with the fact that I helped murder half a planet -- and that I almost lost you today."

"Damn it, the fucking Hoffans did it to themselves. Let it go! It's not your fault you couldn't stop them. You were trying to help, for god's sake. You didn't even volunteer yourself; Sheppard did it for you!"

"But the Major wasn't the one messing about with test tubes and microscopes and fiddling with drugs and body chemistries now, was he?" A little of Carson's repressed fury with himself was starting to leak through. "I've been a party to genocide, Rodney, and there's just no way to let that go!"

"Carson!" Rodney gave a frustrated huff. "We're supposed to be distracting you from all this crap. How about it, eh?"

"I'm sorry, love; I'm not being very distractible tonight."

"So tell me about Scotland," Rodney said, obviously groping for some non-dangerous topic to get him talking.

Carson sighed. "It's a beautiful country, Rodney, but I doubt you'd much like it. The landscape and the weather are both quite harsh, especially up in the Hebrides, where my family's from."

"I've never been there," Rodney admitted. "Never had a reason to go. Maybe though..." He looked thoughtful.

Carson paused for a moment, hesitant. "If... if you'd like to go with me, I'd be glad of the company," he said softly. He didn't dare hope Rodney might actually want that; might want to spend time with him when they were back on Earth.

"Why wouldn't I?" Rodney asked, puzzlement in his face and his voice.

He looked away. "I thought you might want to see your sister. After what happened, and you wanting her to be contacted, I thought maybe--"

Rodney nodded. "Yeah, I think I would." His eyes took on a far away look, and his voiced quieted. "I don't know what she'd think of you," he said, then looked at Carson, "but considering the fact I haven't seen her since she left home, I can't say as I really care."

"Think of me?"

Rodney smiled tentatively. "Well, if I'm going to Scotland with you, I figured you might want to go home to Canada with me, you know?"

Carson's heart warmed and he held Rodney tight. "Oh, aye, I'd like that very much."

"I love you," Rodney whispered in his ear, one hand still moving on his back. "I can't tell you how much." Carson smiled as Rodney continued. "Mostly because your grasp of quantum physics is so miniscule."

They both chuckled. "Right, Rodney. I thought it was more akin to chaos theory."

"Hey! I resent that!" Rodney didn't let go. In fact, he held on tighter, and nibbled Carson's ear.

Carson shivered and squeezed his lover tightly. "I'm sorry, mo leannan, I'm really not in that kind of a mood." He wished he were, but the knot in his gut had only eased a little, not gone away. He felt almost nauseous.

Rodney quit nibbling and kissed the skin behind his ear gently. "Sorry. I just... I don't know how to make you feel better, Carson. God knows I wish I did. I'm no good at this comforting thing." He sighed sadly. "If I were better at it, maybe Brendan would still be here."

"You're here," Carson said. "That's all I really need."

"Try to get some sleep," Rodney said. He ran his fingers through Carson's hair. "You'll feel better in the morning."

Carson nodded, sighing. "I hope you're right, love."

***

Rodney hadn't gotten much sleep. Carson kept waking up with nightmares, most of which apparently involved him being quite dead, usually in nasty ways. That bothered him, but there had been nothing to do for it but hold Carson and talk to him until he went back to sleep.

While he was immensely relieved to still be walking around after yesterday's excitement, he was still feeling the loss of his people. After Abrams and Gall, losing half a dozen more of his division was a serious emotional blow, not to mention throwing the sciences staff into chaos.

If he were military, he thought, maybe he'd get used to this, but he hadn't signed up to watch his people die. Sheppard had been coping with this since Rodney had known him, and presumably before. He hoped that talking to the Major might offer at least a fragment of insight into staying sane under insane circumstances.

Sheppard was in his office going over rosters when Rodney got there.

"Hey," he said, looking up. "How you doing, McKay?"

"Peachy. Just peachy." He sat.

Sheppard waved his hand at the chair in front of his desk. "Oh, yeah. Have a seat."

"Don't mind if I do." Rodney put his feet up on Sheppard's desk and crossed his ankles, resting his head on his hands behind him.

"So what brings you down to the salt mines?" Sheppard dropped his papers and got himself a cup of coffee.

"Oh, hey, get me one while you're at it," Rodney said, gesturing toward the pot.

"What, are your legs broken?"

McKay snorted. "No, but I'm exhausted. I didn't sleep last night. Have pity on the dying here."

Sheppard smirked and handed him a cup. "Well, since you're so pitiful..." He filled his own cup and sat back down. He put his own feet up on the desk. They could barely see each other over their feet.

"How do you do it?" Rodney asked.

"Well, you know," Sheppard said. "A couple of scoops of coffee, some water, turn on the--"

"No! Christ, Major, that's not what I meant."

Sheppard sipped his coffee. "McKay, if you want an answer, you gotta ask a question I understand. I've got no idea what you're talking about."

Rodney took a deep breath and squeezed the hot cup for a little physical focus. "When your people die, John. How do you cope with that?"

Sheppard sat silent for a moment. When he spoke, his voice was quiet. "I don't, really."

"Oh, come on. We've lost quite a few people now. You're still walking around in the land of the marginally sane. How do you do it?"

Sheppard sighed. "Rodney, I'm not really sure what to tell you. I keep going because I don't have a choice. I'm the one in charge of the military here. It's not something I wanted, and I sure as hell wish Sumner were still here, because he'd be a hell of a lot better at this than me. It's all I can do to keep going some days."

Rodney blinked. This wasn't at all what he'd expected. "You've got to be kidding me. There must be some secret to it. You're holding out on me."

Sheppard shook his head. "Nope. Mostly I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, because if I don't I'd be in the Ancients' equivalent of a little rubber room with a happy jacket on."

"Oh, great," Rodney muttered.

"Look," Sheppard said, tucking one hand behind his head and gesturing with his cup, "I can't tell you how to handle it, but I can tell you that you'll get through it. You're tougher than you think, Rodney. We all do what we have to, and you've come through for some pretty hefty stuff here so far. I've got faith in you, okay?"

"You do?"

Sheppard smiled at him. "Yeah, I do."

"Oh." Rodney took a thoughtful sip of his coffee and pondered that for a few minutes. Sheppard watched him. "You're sure," Rodney said at last, not quite believing it.

Sheppard snorted. "No, McKay. The instant you turn your back, the entire city is going to explode. Does that make you feel better?"

"Marginally," Rodney said. "It would be about par for the course here."

"Seriously, Rodney. You'll get through this. I know you didn't sign up for this kind of thing, but we're all doing the best we can. We lost a few people yesterday, but most of us survived. We have to focus on that, pick ourselves up, and move on. If we give up, they've died for no reason."

Rodney signed and stared into his coffee. "I don't know what to do. I thought it was bad when Gall and Abrams died, but now I've got huge holes in my department and there's nobody to replace them. Everyone's going to have to take on extra duties and extra shifts, and we're all working too damned hard already. How can I do that to my people?"

"They'll understand," Sheppard said. "They know the work has to be done, and that what's important will take precedence over the more mundane stuff. People will pick up where they can, you'll see. You've got some good people there, for a bunch of geeks."

"Hey!" Rodney protested. "I'm a geek!"

Sheppard shrugged. "Well yeah, and a damned fine one, I might add. See what I mean?" He grinned again.

"You are so not helping." That wasn't entirely the truth. Rodney had to admit he was feeling a little bit better already.

***

Carson had spent a terrible, mostly sleepless night filled with dreams of Rodney dying. The fact that Rodney had been there each time he woke after he'd found his lover on the balcony had helped, but nothing either of them did seemed to stop the litany of deaths in his mind: Rodney dying of anaphylaxis in the fire. Rodney dying of the nanovirus. Rodney dying when the wormhole closed on the Jumper stuck in the Gate. Rodney burned to death by the energy-eating entity. Rodney sucked to a dry, withered husk by the Wraith. Rodney shot and bleeding to death on the Gateroom floor.

He couldn't erase the pictures that lurked behind his eyelids every time he closed them, false as they were. Rodney was alive and well and doing his best to be understanding and helpful, but as Rodney himself had pointed out any number of times, he 'wasn't good with that comfort thing.'

Carson shuddered and turned his focus back to the microscope. Today was a research day. Anand Chandrapurna was the duty physician, but Carson had too much to do to take time off very often.

He still had a great deal of analytical work to do with the tissue samples from Gall and Abrams. The nanovirus itself also needed study, though the Ancient database had a good bit of information on it. At least the EMP had rendered it safe to handle. He had no idea who'd created the bloody thing, but he wanted to know.

Mostly, though, Carson wanted some uninterrupted sleep, preferably with Rodney reassuringly close by. He knew how insomnia and nightmares affected people. The last thing he needed was to be losing concentration, especially if he had to perform emergency surgery or make a life and death decision.

On his break, he wandered down to the mess hall. He was hoping for tea and a snack. Kavanagh was sitting at a table with half a dozen other scientists. He seemed extremely upset. Not that this was terribly unusual, but most of the time his upsets were angry. Today he was grief-stricken.

"I miss her so much," he was saying, tears on his face. Njal Tryggveson was rubbing his shoulder, speaking softly, concern on his face.

"I'm so sorry, Thomas," Njal said. "Sharon's death was a terrible tragedy. So needless."

They were talking about Dumais. Kavanagh had been seeing Dumais? He hadn't heard about that, and the gossip mill on Atlantis was usually quite thorough. He found it hard to picture the two of them together, but it would explain Kavanagh's tears.

Carson got his snack and sat at the table. "I'm sorry for your loss, Dr. Kavanagh."

Kavanagh looked at him and nodded. "Uh huh. Thanks." His eyes were cold.

He sipped at his Athosian tea. "I didn't know you'd been seeing Dr. Dumais."

"You were too busy to care, obviously." Kavanagh's voice was low and shaking, but there was anger in it. Tryggveson squeezed Kavanagh's shoulder.

"I don't know these things unless someone tells me," Carson said.

"Why didn't you save her?" Kavanagh asked. He gave Carson a pointed look.

Carson looked down into his tea. "I did everything I could for them."

"You stood around in your hazmat suit while McKay did all the work, from what I hear." Kavanagh's voice cracked. He sniffled.

"We worked on it together," Carson whispered, feeling guilty and useless. He'd not done enough, not responded fast enough, not known what to do.

Kavanagh's voice hardened. "Not even you believe that."

Carson looked up into Kavanagh's eyes. "There was nothing I could do for her by the time I got there. She was already dead. I'm more sorry than I can possibly say."

"You were too slow," Kavanagh said, his voice growing more heated. "If you'd been doing your job and gotten there faster, you might have done some good!"

"There was nothing to do," Carson protested. "It took too long to figure out what was happening, and by then there were so many already dead. I don't know anything about nanoviruses, Kavanagh. I'm not an engineer. I work with biological agents, things that drugs will affect, or surgery. There was nothing I could do."

Nothing but watch Rodney dying. Nothing but attempt CPR on Hays, whose brain had exploded and on whom any sort of resuscitation techniques were useless. Carson felt more useless than he'd ever imagined he could be.

"You're the doctor!" Kavanagh insisted. "You're responsible for everyone's lives here!"

Carson stood. "You think I don't know that? You think I don't see the faces of everyone I've lost over the years? You think I'm not carrying half of bloody Hoff on my shoulders?"

"I don't give a damn about Hoff, or anyone else -- you lost Sharon! How could you let her die?" Tears were streaming down Kavanagh's face, and Carson was barely holding back his own. He had more than enough guilt without this as well.

"I wasn't even there!" Carson insisted. "There was nothing I could do for her!"

Kavanagh was on his feet now too, facing him, reaching for his collar. "And you -- how the hell did you get to be so lucky? Your fuckbuddy, McKay, he managed to survive it because of the ATA gene you gave him! Why didn't Sharon get the treatment? Why the hell couldn't that faggot McKay have died instead of her? I wish that bastard was dead! He led them into it!"

"How can you say that?" Carson asked, shocked and appalled, as Kavanagh grabbed him. People in the room were turning to look now, watching them. "How can you wish someone dead like that? What kind of a man are you? Rodney almost died in there too, you know!"

Kavanagh leaned into his face. "He was never in any danger, damn you! All you care about is that egotistical, pretentious asshole you're sleeping with! You don't give a shit about anyone else!"

"That's not true and you know it," Carson growled. "If I could bring all of them back I would, but there's naught I can do once a body's dead. I'd never have let Dr. Dumais die if I'd had any way of preventing it."

"He's alive, and she's dead. Damn it, Beckett, I *loved* her! You and that pervert McKay couldn't possibly under--"

Carson's patience was at an end, and he reacted before he could control himself. "Why you bloody--" He punched and Kavanagh spun to the floor. Carson shook his aching hand and stared down at him, shocked at what he'd done.

Kavanagh had a hand to his face where he'd been struck. "You bastard! I'm reporting you to Dr. Weir for assault!" People around the room were shifting and talking. A few of the military personnel started over toward them, looking like they intended to break things up if they got worse.

"Oh god," Carson said, "I'm sorry, Kavanagh." He genuinely meant it. He hadn't intended to strike the man, but anger and guilt and frustration had eaten at him, and the lack of sleep had taken its toll. "I just--" He offered a hand to the man, intending to help him up, but Kavanagh just spit at him.

"Keep your goddamned hands off me, Beckett." He looked up at the approaching military members. "Somebody arrest this lunatic."

Bren Henderson got there first. "Looks to me like you provoked this, Kavanagh."

"It's his fault!" Kavanagh shouted, rising and pointing at Carson. "He stood around watching while people were dying! Sharon died because he doesn't know what the fuck he's doing!"

Sgt. Markham shook his head. "And I suppose you'd have done any better?" He looked at Carson. "Sorry about this, doc. We all heard what he said; who wouldn't have punched him out?"

"I'm sorry," Carson said again, softly. "I wish she hadn't died. I wish nobody had died." Turning, he headed for the door. He didn't think he could work right now. There was too much guilt eating him. "I'll be in my quarters if anyone needs me."

"You can't let him leave," Kavanagh bellowed. "I want his ass arrested!"

Carson walked out of the mess hall, choking back tears. No one tried to stop him.

***

About an hour later, Rob Stackhouse showed up. "Sorry to bug you, Carson. Dr. Weir wants to see you in her office. It's about the mess in the... uh... mess."

Carson nodded and sighed. "Thanks, Rob. Did she send you to escort me, or just to let me know?"

Stackhouse shrugged. "Formalities. Kavanagh's got his shorts in a huge twist."

"Right then. Let me put my shoes on."

When they arrived, Kavanagh was sitting, stone silent and angry, in a seat at the conference table. Petty Officer Henderson and Sgt. Markham were both there as well, along with Dr. Tryggveson.

Carson looked over at Elizabeth. "If you want to know, aye, I hit him. I apologized. I won't do it again, believe me." He turned to Kavanagh. "I'm sorry." Kavanagh glared at him.

Weir sighed. "Please, Carson, have a seat." She gestured at the empty chair on the other side of the table.

He sighed, nodded and sat, planting his eyes on the table.

"Dr. Kavanagh, first I'd like to express my deep sympathy for your loss. I know that you and Sharon were close. She was an extraordinary electrical engineer, and a fine human being."

Kavanagh nodded, obviously trying not to cry. Elizabeth turned to Carson. "Dr. Kavanagh claims you attacked him in the mess hall without provocation," she said.

"Aye, I hit him. I already said so." Carson looked up. "He was saying some right awful things and wishing Rodney dead. That's no excuse for my actions, but still."

"Dr. Kavanagh?" Weir turned her attention to the pony-tailed scientist.

Kavanagh made a visible effort to contain his anger. "He let her die. I wanted to know why, and he hit me."

Tryggveson agreed with Kavanagh's version, though Carson didn't really care. He knew Tryggveson was no friend of his or Rodney's. Henderson and Markham both said Carson had good reason to be aggravated, and repeated parts of Kavanagh's diatribe.

Weir sighed. "Dr. Kavanagh, I understand that you're upset but it's no reason--"

Kavanagh leaped to his feet. "You can't let him off! He *hit* me!" Stackhouse took Kavanagh by the arm and eased him back into his chair.

"I'm not 'letting him off' Dr. Kavanagh, but you did contribute to the situation." Weir looked to Carson. "I know you've apologized already. I understand you're stressed, but striking Dr. Kavanagh was certainly out of line."

Carson nodded. "I know. So what do you plan on doing to me?"

"I'm letting you go with a warning," Elizabeth said. "If this happens again, I'll confine you to quarters for a day."

"What?" Kavanagh slammed his hand down on the table. "That's no fitting punishment!"

"You're not even bruised, Dr. Kavanagh." Weir gave Kavanagh a sharp glance. "No harm was done to anything but your ego, and you were out of line in saying the kinds of things about Dr. Beckett and Dr. McKay that you did. Both of them did extremely well under very trying conditions. You should be glad that Dr. McKay's advice managed to stop the nanovirus, or none of us might be sitting here having this discussion."

"Sharon Dumais would disagree," Kavanagh snarled.

She stood. "You're all dismissed. And I want this to be the end of it." Elizabeth glared at Kavanagh.

Tryggveson and Kavanagh got up, muttering to each other. Carson rose as well. Elizabeth raised a hand to him. "Would you wait for a moment, Carson?"

He nodded and waited for the others to leave. "I'm sorry, Elizabeth. It'll not happen again, I can assure you."

She rested a gentle hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry we had to do that. Sometimes it's enough that I'd punch him, but I can't allow myself that luxury. Try to avoid him if you can."

"That would be my pleasure," Carson muttered. "I'd really like to go back to my quarters. I'm too out of sorts to focus this afternoon."

She nodded. "Yes, go ahead. It's better if he doesn't find you in the hallway today. The last thing we need is a repeat of his performance."

"Thank you," Carson said. "I wish it had all turned out differently, believe me."

"I know you do, Carson," she said. "I know you do."

***

Carson looked depressed when Rodney joined him at dinner. "I heard about Kavanagh," Rodney said, sitting next to him.

Carson rolled his eyes and waved his hands in frustration. "Every bloody person in Atlantis has heard, I swear." He looked at Rodney. "I didn't mean to do it, all right?"

"I heard he said some shitty things to you, and about me." Rodney took one of Carson's wrists. "And I also heard that pretty much everyone who was there thought it was justified."

"It was still stupid."

Rodney grinned. "I hope it was satisfyingly so."

Carson shook his head and chuckled. "Well, until I realized what I'd done, anyway."

"I would have done more than knock him down," Rodney said.

Carson looked at him. "Aye, you might have. And then I'd have to patch the cheeky bugger up."

"I really hate that man." Rodney sighed and squeezed Carson's arm gently before letting go. "I mean, really, really hate him."

"It was Kavanagh's idea that got the Jumper back in one piece after it was stuck in the Gate, love." Carson poked at his food. "He's not all bad, and he was in love with Dumais, you know."

Rodney shook his head. "I hadn't heard until today. They seem to have been keeping it pretty quiet."

"Elizabeth knew."

"She has the best line on the station gossip," Rodney said. "She probably got it from Grodin. He hears everything."

"You're not accusing Peter of eavesdropping on the radio transmissions, are you?" Carson raised an eyebrow.

"Nah." Rodney shook his head. "But everything in the station seems to go through him before it gets to her. I swear, sometimes I think the guy's telepathic or something."

"If he were telepathic, he'd have known Terr was chasing him about, now, wouldn't he?" Carson smiled softly.

"There is that." Rodney ate a bit, watching the others around the room. His day had been annoyingly busy and he hadn't gotten anything truly useful from Sheppard, unless the man's faith in him proved to be more than just a momentary glow for his ego.

Carson's smile faded almost as soon as it began. It was obvious to Rodney that he still wasn't feeling very well. He wanted to throttle Kavanagh for the things he'd said. Carson was feeling bad enough as it was without that asshole adding to the guilt.

"I always figured Dumais for having better taste," Rodney muttered. "I can't believe she was with Kavanagh."

Carson shrugged. "There are those who would say the same of me for bein' with you. There's no accounting for love, mo leannan."

"I'm less of an asshole than he is. And smarter. Of course, your average amoeba is smarter, so that's not really saying much." Rodney smiled at Carson.

"I wish I hadn't come here," Carson said with a sigh. "I wish I'd stayed on Earth."

Rodney's heart skipped a beat. It wasn't like Carson could exactly leave Atlantis, but if he wanted to? Would he be able to persuade Carson to stay with him? "If you weren't here, Carson, I'd be dead. And really, I'm sort of fond of this being alive thing. The being with you thing too."

That brought a smile, but it didn't reach Carson's eyes. "I'm glad you're alive," he whispered, a shadow passing over his expression. "I wish the others were as well."

"Carson..."

"I'm sorry," Carson said. "I'm not fit company right now. I should go." He got up and hurried off, leaving Rodney gaping behind him.

He had no idea how to help Carson. Rodney buried his face in his hands to keep himself from slamming his head on the table.

***

Rodney waited for the door to open.

"Rodney?" Osbourne's eyebrow lifted. "What can I do for you?"

"Can... uh, do you mind if I come in?" He shifted uneasily. He hadn't actually been here except on Thursdays with Carson. It felt a little strange not to see everyone lounging around.

Geoff moved back a step. "Sure, come on in. What's up?"

Rodney went over and sat in one of the comfy chairs. Most of the time they were occupied by the time he arrived and, if he sat in one at all, he shared it with Carson. Having one to himself was a new experience.

"Can I get you a cup of coffee or something?" Geoff gestured at the coffeemaker on one of the desks.

Rodney looked at him. "Now why would you ever assume I wanted coffee?"

Geoff snorted and poured him a cup. "Because you're a caffeine-based life form."

"Who around here isn't?" Rodney took the cup and sipped.

"I'm shocked you're not allergic to it," Geoff said. "You manage to be allergic to everything else in the world."

"Not everything," Rodney said. "Just lemons. Well, citrus. And that weird fruit they eat on Tannaz. And pollen. And bees. I'm highly allergic to bees." Geoff made a buzzing noise as he stood nearby. Rodney swatted at him. "Bug off!"

"Hey, you're the one who knocked on the door. I have a right to harass my guests." Geoff grinned.

"The spirit of hospitality obviously lives in your heart," Rodney said.

"Who said I had one?" Geoff patted his shoulder, grinning wickedly.

Rodney snorted. "Oh, right. Carson said you'd had it surgically removed."

"And how are you and Carson doing?" There was an odd look in his eyes. "Radek told me all about yesterday."

"Oh, I'm just peachy," Rodney said. "A few nanovirii, some dead bodies, a nuclear explosion; it's all in a day's work."

Geoff shook his head. "Not buying the bullshit, McKay. Tell me what's really going on."

Rodney stared at him for a moment. "Yeah, okay, you're right. Things suck." He took a deep breath. "I'm mostly doing okay. I mean, I'm alive and I wasn't expecting to be. Carson, though... not so much."

"What's wrong?" Geoff sat on the couch facing him, concern in his voice. "Is there anything Radek or I can do?"

"I don't know," Rodney said sadly. "I have no idea how to deal with this. I'm lousy at the comfort thing, but Carson really needs it. He's a mess about losing everyone, and feels like he didn't do anything but stand there. I mean, that's not true, but he doesn't believe me when I say so."

Geoff nodded. "What have you been doing to try to help him?"

Rodney stiffened. He wasn't sure he wanted to talk about the intimate details of his life with Carson. He shifted uneasily in the chair.

Geoff sat, silent, looking at him. Rodney sighed. "You did come here for a reason, right?" Geoff said.

"No," Rodney growled. "I wanted to stare at you."

"Well you're doing a fine job of it." Geoff took a sip of his coffee. "I can't help if you won't let me."

Rodney looked away for a moment. Geoff was right, much as he hated to admit it. "I... I'm doing what I can."

"It's okay to talk to me, Rodney. I'm not going to tell anyone." He sighed and sank back in the couch. "I can tell that neither of you are sleeping. Which of you is having the nightmares?"

Rodney cringed. "Carson, mostly," he said softly. He'd had a couple last night too, though he hadn't mentioned them to his lover. Carson was having enough trouble of his own, and Rodney didn't want to add to it.

"Mostly," Geoff said.

Rodney nodded. "Mostly." He paused, and Geoff waited. "I don't know what to do."

"What *are* you doing?" Geoff asked again. "Do you ignore him? Talk to him? Try to get him to talk?"

"I mostly hold him," Rodney admitted. "Try to tell him it's not real, that he was dreaming."

"That's a good start. Does it seem to help?" Geoff's voice was sympathetic, and the annoyance had softened into a kinder expression.

"I don't know. He goes back to sleep."

"That's a yes, then." Geoff smiled. "See? You're doing some of the right things."

"Yeah, but he keeps waking up again. Sometimes he's... well... I mean sometimes he's shouting or crying."

"He's dreaming about what happened in the lab, I take it?"

Rodney nodded, speaking softly. "Some of it. Mostly, it seems like he's dreaming about me dying."

"That must bother both of you."

Rodney looked at him. "Oh, no. I love it when Carson dreams I'm dying and wakes up screaming. I've been trying to develop new ways of giving him nightmares about my imminent demise for months now."

"Rodney -- trying to help here. I'm not the enemy." Geoff raised his hands in a conciliatory gesture.

Rodney sighed. "I told you I'm no good at this shit."

"Which shit are you talking about now? The asking for help part?"

"That too," Rodney admitted.

"How are you doing after yesterday?"

"I'm alive," Rodney said. "Desperately happy to be alive."

Geoff nodded. "So is Radek." He sighed. "We didn't know what was going on down there, only that we were in quarantine. I knew he was down there with you, and I have to tell you, I was terrified for him."

"So was I," Rodney whispered.

Geoff gave him a strange look. "You were?"

"I led them all into it," Rodney said.

Geoff sighed. "It was your job, Rodney. You had to check it out. If you'd come back to the city instead, a lot more people would have died before it was contained and destroyed."

"My job is *not* to go around getting my people killed!" Rodney snapped. "My job is to point them in the right direction and make sure they don't blow themselves up, damn it!"

"You're better at this leader thing than you think, you know." Geoff's voice was soft, generous.

"I suck. I get people killed." Rodney got to his feet and started pacing restlessly.

"Not your fault." Geoff watched him ping-pong back and forth across the small living room. "We all knew this might be a one-way trip, and we accepted that when we stepped through the Gate. That we're still alive and functional is a testimony to you and the other people leading this expedition."

"I never believed we could all die," Rodney said. "I thought... hell, I don't know what I thought, but it wasn't this."

"Nobody thought this," Geoff said. "Come sit down, Rodney." He gestured to the chair and sat in the one next to it, pulling it close. Rodney paused a moment, then sat. Geoff put a hand on his shoulder.

"I knew going through the Gate was dangerous. I mean, Carter and her team were always running into some kind of end of the world crisis. Why should we be immune? I should have known it would be like this." Rodney buried his face in his hands. "Sheppard expects me to pull answers out of my ass every five minutes. Elizabeth depends on me to keep everything running. Carson -- Carson just... he needs me." He took a breath and whispered, "I need him."

"Rodney..."

"I'm not fucking *Superman,* Geoff. They say they don't believe I am, but they sure as hell act like it. Carson's freaking out on me here with the nightmares and there's not a thing I can do. I think the stress is starting to get to him and all I can see is that it's gonna get worse. What the hell am I supposed to do?"

"Be there for him, love him." Geoff squeezed his shoulder. It felt good.

"No, I thought I'd abandon him. You know, head through the Gate and just stay a few months. Occupational hazard and all that." Rodney looked up at Geoff, rolling his eyes.

"You might try losing a little of the attitude here, McKay. You came to me, remember?'

Rodney snorted. "You might try saying something other than the usual pre-packaged Hallmark card shit."

"Remind me again why I'm your friend?" Geoff said, half-smiling.

"Because I'm brilliant and you think I'll save your ass from the Wraith." Like everyone else, Rodney figured.

Geoff shook his head. "Nope, that wasn't it." He chuckled.

Rodney was puzzled. "It wasn't?"

"Uh uh." Geoff's hands were moving, working on Rodney's shoulders.

"What do you think you're doing?" Rodney asked, stiffening a bit.

Geoff stopped for a moment. "You're way more wound up than usual. I'm just trying to help."

"Oh." Rodney sighed and gave in to it, relaxing a little. "You gonna clue me in here?"

"Because you're honest, Rodney. You're genuine about things. Most of what's going on with you shows on your face and the way you hold yourself. It's so obvious that you love Carson, even when you want to bury that where you think no one can see it. You care about people, even when you're afraid to. I may have to put up with shit to be your friend but you're worth the trouble. I know you'll never lie to me."

Rodney blinked. "That's... I mean..." He wasn't sure what to say to that. It was a new concept to him, that somebody might like him for who he was rather than what they thought he could do for them. He hadn't believed it before, not really.

Carson, well, he was an exception to the rule, but that had been hard-won in so many ways. He looked over at Geoff.

"Really," Geoff said.

Rodney ventured a smile. "I... uh... I really haven't had too many friends like that," he said. He wasn't sure he'd ever actually had any, but wasn't about to admit to that. "Everybody always wants something from me."

Geoff shrugged. "I've got most of what I want out of life, really."

Rodney's eyes widened. "You do? I mean, even here?" The idea astonished him.

Geoff chuckled. "Yeah, even here."

"You're not scared?"

"I'm petrified, but hey, the Goa'uld are trying to conquer everyone back home, so it's not like there's no danger there either. I mean, I was at an isolated experimental station in Antarctica drilling for ice cores and almost died of an Ancient virus. No place is ever really as safe as we think it is. This is just more overt than we're used to. That, and the bad guys want to suck us, and not in a good way."

Rodney chuckled at that. "Yeah, okay. Point."

Geoff leaned back, hand still on Rodney's shoulder. "I'm just a geologist, you know? There's nothing I can do that's going to stop the Wraith. All I can do is wait. It's people like you and Radek or Carson and Anand who are going to come up with a solution, if one exists. It won't be me. But I trust you guys. You're the best."

Rodney's gut twisted and chilled. "Don't trust me, Geoff. I don't trust myself on this one."

The door opened softly, and they both looked up. Zelenka came in, looking exhausted. Geoff stood and went to him, gathering him in his arms as the door closed. They kissed and Radek leaned on Geoff with a deep sigh.

"Rodney," Radek said.

"Hey," Rodney said. "Did you ever figure that stupid thing out?"

Radek shook his head, still wrapped in Geoff's arms. "No. I gave up for the night. I still think is some kind of growth stimulation device for the plants, but I can't be sure because I suspect it's broken. It won't initialize."

"You get Sheppard to do his voodoo with it?"

"Not yet. He was busy this afternoon. I'll ask him tomorrow."

"Come sit down," Geoff said, tugging Radek toward the couch. "Have you eaten?"

"Just before I got home." He sagged into the cushions and kicked his shoes off.

"Coffee?"

Radek shook his head. "Too much already today. My stomach is not forgiving me."

"I'm sure you'll get it tomorrow," Rodney said. "Sheppard's good at that."

"I know," Radek said, "but he has many other responsibilities. He doesn't exist just for you to turn on Ancient technology. I know this is a shock to you." He smiled a little.

"Not as much of a shock as the idea of you claiming you've had too much coffee," Rodney said, smiling.

Radek sighed and smiled. "I think there may be some blood in my caffeine stream. Somewhere."

Geoff chuckled and Rodney grinned. All his other problems aside, this was... nice. Fun, even. Hanging out a little and talking and teasing with nothing hanging over his head about to explode or open into hard vacuum or collapse and let the ocean in. It was good.

"So Rodney, what brings you here tonight?" Radek asked.

"Carson," Geoff said, sitting down next to Radek and slipping an arm around his shoulders. "He's having nightmares. Rodney's not sure how to help."

Rodney grimaced. "I can speak, you know. I'm here in the room."

"Sorry," Geoff said. "Just thought I'd get the preliminaries out of the way."

"I'd have said something when I was ready." Rodney rolled his eyes, annoyed. He'd have talked to Radek about it eventually, but that had been taken out of his hands. "And it's not like I want this all over the station, you know."

"You can trust me," Radek said. "You're my friend, though only God knows why." He gave a little smile. "I would not want to hurt you or Carson, believe me."

"He's doing some things right," Geoff said to Radek. He looked back over at Rodney. "You should try to get him to talk more, Rodney."

Rodney snorted. "He walked out on me at dinner."

"Did he say why?" Radek asked.

Rodney opened his mouth to snap, but backed down instead. "He said he wasn't fit company." He sighed sadly. "You heard about him and Kavanagh?"

Radek looked confused. "Kavanagh? What did he do this time?'

"Carson decked him." Rodney shrugged. "From the sounds of it, the bastard deserved it. I'd have taken his head off and shoved it up his ass."

Radek shook his head. "Carson did that?"

"Weir called him on the carpet for it. Kavanagh insisted." Rodney lowered his eyes. "That, I can't understand. Kavanagh was asking for it. Markham told me what he'd said. I have no idea why she was pandering to the moron." He shook his head. "I swear, too many people around here are incompetent freaks. How does Elizabeth cope with them?" Geoff and Radek both stared at him. "Present company excepted."

"Such confidence in us," Radek said. "You'll ruin your image."

"Breathe a word and you die," Rodney said, letting a little grin escape. "I have ways of getting even."

"And I'm sure they all involve depriving us of chocolate and power bars," Geoff said, chuckling.

"I was planning that anyway," Rodney deadpanned. "And besides, I have to figure out how to punish that miserable excuse for a trained chimp, Kavanagh, for messing with Carson."

Geoff raised an eyebrow. "You know that'll only make things worse."

"Look," Rodney said. "Carson was enough of a mess over this nanovirus thing to begin with. Kavanagh really upset him. I don't need this. It was bad enough with the nightmares. God only knows what's going on in Carson's head now."

"Nightmares?" Radek asked.

Rodney nodded. "Lots of dead McKay. Colorful, creative dead McKay, apparently. In gory detail. Of course, being a medical doctor, Carson *would* have Technicolor dreams about all the ways I could expire."

Radek shuddered. "That sounds distinctly unpleasant."

"You have a gift for grasping the obvious." Rodney set his coffee down and wrapped his arms around himself.

"Rodney." Geoff rose and went to sit on the chair next to Rodney's again. He put his hand back on Rodney's shoulder. "I think you need to suggest that Carson see Heightmeyer if he isn't already."

Rodney squeezed himself a little tighter. "I think he's already doing that. Actually, I think he started a while ago." After he'd told Carson about Carruthers and what the man had done to him, was Rodney's guess.

"And I think you should start seeing her." Geoff rubbed his shoulder.

"Um... yeah. Doing that." He was extremely uncomfortable admitting it, but protesting would seem like too much under the circumstances. "Started after... um... after Gall and Abrams," he added quietly.

"Good," Radek said. "You were not yourself then."

"You can always come to us," Geoff said softly. "That's what friends are for, you know."

"Yeah, right. Like you want to listen to me freaking out."

"You're not freaking out," Geoff said. "You're just trying to deal with things you're not used to."

"Why couldn't it be nuclear bombs or naquadah generators?" Rodney moaned.

Radek shook his head. "Because people are not engineering problems."

"They should be," Rodney insisted. "Then I'd know what to do."

"You won't learn what to do if you don't try," Radek said reasonably. "Some learn these things more easily, yes, but if it's important to you then you'll do what you need to."

"It's important," Rodney said. He looked down at his hands, fingers twisting nervously. "Carson's important."

"I know," Radek said. "To us also. He's a good friend." Rodney looked up at him. "So are you." Radek smiled at him. "Even though we argue."

A smile crept across Rodney's face. "Thanks."

***

Rodney knocked on Carson's door and a moment later it slid open. Carson was lying on his couch, eyes closed.

"What do you want, Rodney?" he asked, tired.

Rodney walked over and sat with him, easing a hand gently into Carson's hair. "I just want to help," he said. "I don't know how. Tell me what you need."

Carson looked up at him and took his hand. "I'm not sure," he said. "You."

Rodney tugged his hand until he sat up then wrapped his arms around him. "You're always here for me. It's been awfully one-sided most of the time. I'm sorry. I should... I mean..." He sighed, closing his eyes and hugging Carson tight to him. "I wish I knew how to do that for you."

"You're here now," Carson said softly. "Yesterday... yesterday I didn't think I'd have this ever again." He held on hard, shaking a little.

"I'm here," Rodney whispered in his ear. "I'm here, Carson. I'm not going anywhere."

Carson didn't say anything. He pulled Rodney closer and just held on. Rodney didn't really know what to say, so he kept whispering, "I'm here," and they rocked together, bodies close and warm. Rodney hoped it was enough.

Eventually, Carson's trembling eased. "Rodney," he murmured. "I'm so glad you're still with me."

"Where else would I be?" Rodney asked. "It's not like anyone else here would have me." He smiled a little and kissed Carson's neck.

Carson chuckled. "Oh, I think Dr. Kusanagi might disagree with that."

"Kusanagi? Oh, that Japanese chickie who's always underfoot. She's not nearly as good looking as you." He heard Carson sniffle. "Carson?"

"I'm all right, Rodney."

Rodney pulled away a little and saw that Carson's face was wet. "Oh, Carson." He wiped the dampness away with his sleeve. "Let me stay with you tonight."

Carson nodded. "Aye, that would probably be for the best. If I'm having nightmares again, I wouldn't want to wake alone. It's... it's too much like looking off the edge of some great cliff."

"I hope you won't have any. We both need some sleep." He kissed Carson softly, barely brushing their lips together. Carson sighed and leaned into it but Rodney held back, unsure.

"Please," Carson whispered, and slipped a hand behind Rodney's neck, pulling him forward gently. "Please," he said again, against Rodney's lips.

Rodney couldn't refuse that. He kissed his lover with all the tenderness he had, wanting to reassure Carson, to make him feel safe and warm and loved. He might not be any good at the finer aspects of comfort giving or emotional understanding, but this at least he could do.

This was something his body understood. It responded with heat and need, desire rising in him. "I love you," he whispered when they broke to breathe. He covered Carson's face with kisses, the salt from his tears on Rodney's lips. "So in love with you."

"Rodney," Carson whispered back, his eyes still leaking a bit. "Touch me. I need to know you're here."

Rodney let his hands move over Carson's body, firm but gentle, caressing him everywhere. He pressed his ear to Carson's chest, listening to the sound of his heartbeat and quickening breath, then tugged at his lover's shirt, kissing the bare flesh beneath it.

Slowly, he pulled Carson's clothes off, one piece at a time. Carson helped, and Rodney just touched, running the pads of his fingers along the lines and curves of muscle and bone. He had no idea when he'd learned such intimacy with this man; he'd been so terrified of it at the beginning. He'd thought this would destroy him.

In a way, it had. He was no longer the Rodney McKay he'd been when he first met Carson Beckett. Rodney hoped he was a better man for it. He kissed Carson's chest, licking and nipping as he went, and Carson moaned softly at his touch. Gentle sucking and tugging at small brown nipples, and Carson's cock was hardening, hot and thick.

God, Carson smelled so good. Rodney buried his face in the angle of Carson's hip, his hands tracing the strong lines of thigh and calf. He could hear Carson sigh and groan and mutter. He heard his name, and the quiet sounds of words he didn't understand. Rodney thought briefly that maybe he should learn some Gaelic after all as his tongue traced the sensitive flesh at the back of his lover's knee.

Carson had taught him how to love and how to make love and he was grateful that he could use what he'd learned to please the man and reassure him. The rightness of it burned in him as he nuzzled at Carson's balls, kissing beneath them, his tongue slipping down between Carson's cheeks.

"Yes, oh god, yes," Carson moaned. "Need you..."

This was different than anything he'd felt before: more intense, more profound. If Rodney had been a religious man he'd say it was an act of worship but Carson was more real and alive than any god. Flesh and blood and fear and love, Carson was worthy of Rodney's devotion, worthy of anything Rodney could give him.

And Carson was begging him for touch. "Love me, Rodney," he whispered, "please. I want to feel you in me."

Rodney raised his head for a moment and looked into Carson's grey-blue eyes. "Soon," he promised. Lowering his face again, he took his lover's hard shaft into his mouth and tasted.

Carson groaned and his hips shifted and Rodney sucked and licked and circled Carson's entrance with his fingers. He felt Carson's fingers twining in his hair, holding him there. It was a good feeling, one he loved, and Rodney was aching with his own need. He sucked Carson deeper and the throaty groan told him he was giving his lover what he needed.

Closing his eyes, Rodney kissed Carson's belly, caressing one strong leg with his hand as he kept his fingers moving around the heated pucker of his lover's anus. He held Carson, feeling him tremble under the touch of hands and tongue and teeth. Rough, dark hair tickled his lips as he focused on giving Carson pleasure.

Rodney had never in his life had anyone want him or love him or need him the way Carson did. It had been unimaginable. Rodney was astonished that the only thing he wanted to do was return those feelings. He moved up Carson's body and took his mouth in a fiery kiss, pressing the length of his clothed body against his lover's nude form. Carson clung to him with desperation.

"Alive, you're alive," Carson gasped when they parted to breathe.

"Of course I'm alive," Rodney said. "It would be a little hard to do *this* if I wasn't." He pressed his finger into Carson's ass and his lover moaned, writhing in wordless pleasure, hot and tight around him. Rodney grinned and sucked at Carson's throat, leaving a mark there.

He wanted to be in Carson, buried in that wonderful heat, but the lube was over by the bed. They'd have to move. Damn. Carson looked so wonderfully debauched there, sprawled on the couch beneath him -- so very beautiful.

Eyes half closed, Carson looked up at him. There was as much fear as love in those eyes and Rodney wanted to obliterate it. He wanted to make Carson safe, knowing he never could. Kissing him again, Rodney muttered, "Bed, now."

He rose and pulled Carson to his feet then shed his clothes as they hurried into the bedroom. Carson pulled the lube from his bedside drawer as Rodney tossed his boxers across the room. They landed haphazardly halfway into the drawer, and Carson smiled.

Carson took Rodney's cock in hand, stroking lube onto him and Rodney moaned as he moved up Carson's body. "What do you want?" he asked, nipping at Carson's throat again.

"You. Slow. Make me feel it." Carson's voice was rough and horny. It sparked something wild in Rodney and he slipped between Carson's legs and fumbled to bring them together. Carson's hand guided him and he pushed slowly, the head of his cock pressing in.

Both of them groaned and Carson shuddered beneath him. "Oh, god."

"So tight, Carson. Oh... damn." He inched his way in, fighting every instinct to thrust and pound into his lover, to mark him and claim him in the most primal way imaginable.

It had never been like this before Carson, and now he didn't want to imagine his life any other way. He moved slowly, inching deeper with each thrust of his hips, both of them gasping and crying out. Their mouths met in quick, sharp kisses that only accentuated the glacial pace of his penetration.

Finally, unable to take anymore, Rodney shuddered and came far too soon. His shout was half pleasure, half disappointment, but Carson clung to him, taking him in all the way as he throbbed and spurted.

"Yes, yes," Carson whimpered. Rodney was drained but still hard inside him, so he kept moving, grinding slowly into his lover. Carson was whispering, "alive, alive," and Rodney choked back tears, wanting only to drive away the pain in Carson's voice.

"I'm here, I'm in you," he said, voice cracking with his emotion. "It's me, Carson." His lips moved against Carson's as he spoke, their voices soft together in their deep mutual need.

"Rodney," Carson moaned, and came hard, shaking violently.

"I've got you love, I've got you." He held Carson, clinging to him, trying to ground his lover. Carson wept into his shoulder, face damp on Rodney's flesh. "It's all right, I'm here."

He stroked Carson's shoulders awkwardly, holding him as his shudders rocked him. Carson was panting, hot breath on Rodney's neck. Long moments later, Carson stilled. Rodney kissed him softly then got up for a cloth to clean them up with.

Carson watched him, wordless, when he returned. Rodney cleaned himself then Carson and tossed the damp cloth on the floor, climbing back into bed. He put his arms around Carson again.

"You gonna be all right?" he asked, running his thumb slowly along the dampness on Carson's cheek.

"I don't know," Carson said. He burrowed into Rodney's embrace.

Rodney lay awake watching him for a long time as Carson drifted into restless sleep.

~~pau~~