The Mystery of the Hippie Baker
Summary: When the town of Smallville starts acting strangely can our gang find the clue and add them up to solve the mystery? Written for the CLFF.
Pairing: Clex
Rating: R (only because of the drugs otherwise PG-13)
Authors Note: This is a crack!fic that puts the Smallville Gang into a Scooby Doo like situation. There is a drug theme as well with lax punishments. If this offends you in anyway please do not read. This is meant to be fun, not a commentary on the laws.
Authors Email: keikokin@gmail.com


Sunlight streams through the stained glass windows and highlight a familiar gathering in the Talon. Surrounding a small table sits several friends with a similar concern. They are the only ones there.

“The entire town is acting really weird!� Chloe said with an excited gleam in her eye. Clark rolled his eyes. While he agreed wholeheartedly that the town was acting weird, he suspected Chloe’s internal detective was on excitement overload. This was bound to be material for the Wall of Weird.

Lana bit her lip and looked at Clark for support. Clark sat back and laughed; partially because Lana hadn’t realized yet that he’d moved on from his boyhood crush on her and partially because she expected him to rescue her at any minute. He wondered idly if she’d been reading her romance novels again.

“I’m sure there’s a reason,� Clark offered.

Chloe shot him an impatient look. She folded her arms across her chest. “Like what Clark? How do you explain everyone just wanting to sit at home all day? Nothing getting done –“

Clark worried his lip between his perfect teeth. Truthfully, that was the one that bothered him the most. Clark’s parents were never the sort to collect dust, but they just seemed to sit at home and giggle all day now. He had to take over all the chores and had just managed to make his escape to meet up with his friends. His eyes wandered to the coffee house door once more, looking for the fourth to their conversation.

“Where is Lex?� Lana asked irritably. “He should have been here by now.�

Chloe huffed a stray hair out of her face. “I told you, Dad said the plant is a disaster. No one wants to come to work, much less work there when and if they show up!�

Clark looked out once more to see very few people were out and about. It was like a ghost town. “So how come we’re not affected?� He took a swig of coffee and looked over at the counter longingly. “And why can’t you keep brownies and baked goods in stock anymore?�

“Who cares? It’s the only thing that seems to sell well in this town anymore!� Lana looked irritated.

The door opened and in swept Lex looking calm and serene to all, except Clark who could see the minute flexing of the vein at his temple. Clark knew by that alone that Lex’s nerves were shot. “Lex?� Clark asked with concern. “You okay?�

Lex shook his head and looked at Clark with admiration. “I can never fool you can I Clark?�

Clark blushed and looked down. Lana looked at Lex unhappily. “What’s going on Lex?�
Chloe nodded eagerly and leaned forward. Lex took a seat by Clark and after looking at the two females moved his chair slightly closer to Clarks. “Actually, I was kind of hoping you’d tell me. The weird thing is this seems very familiar to me, like I’ve seen it before but never on such a wide scale! I just know there’s a simple explanation.� His words were spoken with just a twinge of frustration, very telling in a man that didn’t like to express his emotions.

Clark reached out and touched Lex’s shoulder. “Don’t worry Lex. We’ll figure it out somehow.�

“What are we the Scooby Doo crew?� Lana huffed, clearly unhappy at the sparks flying between Clark and Lex.

“I get to be Daphne!� Chloe yelled happily. She then turned her attention to Lex. “I guess that makes you Fred.�

“Does that make me Shaggy?� Clark asked unhappily.

“You could never be Shaggy,� Lex said staring deeply into Clark’s eyes.

“Thanks Lex,� Clark beamed back as Lana fumed. Chloe raised an eyebrow, quickly put two and two together, making up her mind to lock the two into a room together.

“Who makes your baked goods?� Lex suddenly asked Lana.

“Uh, um, that woman at the end of town….� She answered in confusion. “Why don’t you like her baking?�

“Never had it,� Clark shrugged.

“Neither have I,� Chloe and Lex chimed in.

They all turned as one to stare at Lana. “What?�

“Have you eaten any of her stuff?� Chloe asked eagerly.

“No, why?� Lana asked in confusion.

“Oh no reason, say can I have another cup of Cappuccino?� Chloe asked hopefully.

Lana frowned and got up.

“Very smooth Chloe. Now why did you want to get rid of Lana?� Lex asked in a soft voice.

Clark frowned looking between the two.

“Because I think Lana will go to the cops and we can clear this up on our own if my suspicions are correct about this clue.�

“Wait a minute, that lady at the end of town…is that the one who is a tree hugging hippie?�

Chloe nodded. Clark frowned some more. Who’d want to hug a tree? And weren’t hippies something from the 1960’s?

Lex took sip of his coffee and smirked “Are you thinking what I’m thinking Daphne?�

“Time to do some research!� Chloe exclaimed, picked up her stuff and ran from the shop yelling over her shoulder. “Text me!�

“I guess the rest is up to us farm boy,� Lex said leaning into Clark. “Ready for some detective work?�

“Just don’t call me Shaggy,� Clark pouted and Lex felt a familiar tug at his heart but let it go as he always did. The innocent farm boy would never think of dating men, much less him. He tucked his head to hide his expression.

Lana suddenly arrived with Chloe’s order. “Where did she go?�

“I’ll take it,� Clark offered and happily swiped it as Lex looked on with obvious fondness. He generously pulled out a bill from his wallet and put it on the table with ease of practice. He would never let Clark pay for anything if he was around and had anything to say about it. The opportunity to do such and wave it under Lana’s nose was just a two-fold blessing.

Lex smirked. Feeling better about his own regard from Clark vs. Lana, he decided to ask Lana about their investigation. “Lana, when that woman comes back in please save me one of each baked good?�

“Uh, okay.� She put on a face at her boss like he was nuts. “Do you think it’s safe to sell?� Doubt was etched on her small face.

Looking at the “pink princess� pout, Lex laughed. He mentally added it to the list of things he liked better when Clark did it. Shaking his head he tried to refocus back on the conversation. Ah yes, the investigation he remembered. “It might make Smallville a more mellow place. This town could certainly use some unwinding.�

“Huh?� Lana asked in confusion. “What do you mean?�

With a shared look that said, ‘time to go’, Clark and Lex stood up. “Don’t worry about it Lana. I’ll call when I find something out.� Clark reassured her.

Lana nodded and watched them go. “Boys,� she harrumphed as she returned to the kitchen.


Clark and Lex jumped into Lex’s latest love or substitute for it when Clark was around. The Bugati Veyron was gleaming in the afternoon twilight. “Where are we going?� Clark asked from the shot gun side looking all around him.

“To check this hippie out.� Lex informed him. “And before you ask one million, seven hundred thousand.� Clark started to cough at the staggeringly huge figure for a car, even for Lex. “It goes 250 miles per hour,� Lex purred happily and reved the engine for Clark to hear. He tuned in with his super-hearing and now understood why people talked about the roar of the engine, it was perfect. He sat a little straighter than usual and goggled the vehicle.

Vaguely he remembered Lex was talking and offered, “She’s probably out making deliveries.� Beside him Lex snorted but offered up no other clues. “How is it that you and Chloe know what’s going on and I don’t?�

“Clark you’ve lived an incredibly sheltered life. Chloe used to live in the city as did I. While I personally don’t think this woman should be arrested, she needs to be stopped.�

“Arrested? What for? Will you please tell me what’s going on?� Clark gave his best puppy dog eyes.

“I think you’ll be telling me.� Lex slowed to a crawl in front of the last house in town. The two-story was covered in Ivy and the grounds looked like they needed some TLC. A large sign in front proclaimed, “Baked Goods by Billie.�

Lex pointed to a large farm field in back of the house. “Is that her land Clark?�

“Um, no. Actually that land is rented out.�

“By whom?� Lex asked with interest.

“My grandfather bought it at Auction…� Clark mused aloud. “We work it but she keeps part of it for her plants. Dad’s not sure why he bought it.�

“Her plants?� Lex inquired.

“Yeah, they don’t affect the crop so Dad said not to worry about it. I think he said she had it fenced off too. But I just work the main farm.�

Lex slid the car to a smooth stop. “Ready to check the crop?�

Clark was confused but nonetheless followed his friend into the corn field. They soon came upon a fenced off area. But despite the woven fence it was easy to tell what it was, the seven fingered leaf gave it away. “Look they’re starting to get into the corn.� Clark pointed to an area near the fence where Billie’s plants had grown into the corn.

“What do you use this corn in this field for Clark?� Lex asked pointedly.

“We use it to feed the cattle and the chickens. Why?�

“It’s another clue, Clark.� He frowned and looked toward Billie’s house. “Who’s that?�

“Oh that’s her son, Dan. I’m not friends with him. Dad says he doesn’t want me to go near him.�

Lex took a mental note on the young man’s appearance. For once he agreed with Jonathan Kent. The man looked completely wasted. “Is he always like that?�

“Like what?� Clark asked innocently.

It was times like this that Lex sometimes wondered if the younger man was just trying to wind him up. To top it off Clark fluttered his eyelashes and Lex had to turn away before his arousal became evident. “Time to go.�


Chloe punched a few more keys on her laptop. But it appeared to be a dead end. There was nothing to suggest that Billie the Baker was anything more than an aging hippie. Billie was a nickname. She’d never been in any trouble with the police and worked at a new age store for many years in Metropolis before making Smallville her home after suffering a debilitating back injury.

She had once been married, had a son, Dylan, who stayed in the city. But she knew the local gossip was that he was trouble and to stay away from him. Her father had given her the “I don’t think it’s a good idea if you make friends with him� speech. Yet, she hadn’t ever met him.

Turning her attention, she read the local water quality analysis. It soon proved successful.
“Bingo!�

She grabbed her bag and ran from the house out to her car. Driving quickly she made her way over to the local watershed to check for something they had not. It took a bit of fancy dancing to manage to get a sample from the head of the watershed project, but thanks to her quick excuse of needing it for a school paper it was child’s play. Plus everyone at the watershed seemed kind of out of it, just like everyone in town.

Chloe immediately sent a text message to Lex. “Have water samples. Got a lab?�

The message came back quickly. “We have samples too. Meet you at the castle and we can check your latest clue.�



An hour later, Lex leaned back from the myriad of machines. “Yep, no doubt about it. Some of the plants got into the waterways and began to take off.�

“I just thought they were weeds,� Clark shrugged. “What’s the big deal?�

Lex laughed. “That’s another name for it Clark.�

“I can see why,� Clark held up the seven foot plant. “But what does this have to do with everyone in town?�

Lex’s phone went off, indicating another text message. It was from Lana. “Dessert has arrived.�

“Come on Clark. It’s time to see what kind of baked goods these are.� Lex grabbed Clark’s arm and they all left for the Talon.

On the way, Lex explained what was going on with the plants to his handsome, but overly naïve friend. Luckily, the Bugati made even that pleasurable.

“Want to tell me what’s going on yet?� Lana asked curiously. She felt odd even selling the product to the townspeople until they got to the heart of this mystery.

“No,� Lex said quickly. After all he wasn’t sure the woman was doing it on purpose. And it wasn’t like anyone in town was really complaining. Well, except for those not drinking the local water – like Lex. Chloe and Lana had gotten hooked on bottled water and Clark’s family had a well with their own water supply. Almost everyone else lived downstream of Billie.

He bagged up the baked goods gingerly as to not get his new baby dirty and headed back to the castle. On the way, Clark started to piece things together while eyeballing the bag hungrily. “Wait a minute, are you saying she’s using contaminated water when she cooks?�

Lex smiled indulgently at his effort. “Close Clark, but more than likely she’s so blitzed out herself that she doesn’t realize that she’s using it in everything. Remember I’m from…�

“The city,� Clark grumbled, eyeballing the baked goods. “I know.� Lex patted him on the shoulder and kept driving. After a bit Clark spoke again. “I’ve had all those drug classes Lex, but why do people really do that?�

“Ah Clark, it can kind of depend where you are in your life.�

“You sound like you’ve used this a time or two.�

“A couple and a lot of stuff a whole lot worse. I might have some from time to time now, but just to relax. And I don’t touch anything harder than that and scotch.� He held up the boy scout salute mockingly. Clark tilted his head and stared at Lex the rest of the way to the castle and the lab. They were there it seemed in seconds and Clark didn’t even want to know how fast they’d been going. At least Lex seemed cheerful lately. He’d seemed a bit sad and off and Clark was glad to see his friend’s humor return.

“You a boy scout!’ Clark laughed. “When pigs fly.�

“Oh Clark you hurt my feelings,� Lex fluttered his eyes at Clark teasingly as they entered the castle. But since Clark was several steps behind him and Lex was not paying attention to where he was going he actually tripped and started to fall. Clark zipped in front of him with a surge of super-speed.

In the next breath, Lex realized he hadn’t fallen but instead was being cradled in the arms of his fantasy lover, the innocent farm boy. Except at the moment Clark was looking anything but. Clark was panting slightly and his nostrils were flaring. His eyes were sparkling with hints of red and Lex was fascinated. He started to pull himself up with a hand on each of Clark’s shoulders to right himself.

But Clark had pulled him even closer and was sniffing at his neck. Lex shivered. He felt his knees turn to rubber as Clark’s lips touched his ear lobe and hot air caressed his ear. Shakily, with thoughts of Mr. Kent chasing him with a shot gun, he managed to pull away.

“There you are!� Chloe hurtled at them from around a corner. “Is that the package?� She asked with a gleam in her eye.

Lex couldn’t resist teasing her. “Here it is Daphne another clue!� He held up the baked goods. “You have no idea what I went through keeping it away from Shaggy.�

“I am not Shaggy!� Clark rebuked him, but there was a new glint in his eye that Lex couldn’t dare even hope he was seeing.

Chloe grabbed the bag from Lex and started to head back to the lab. On the way she told them what she’d discovered about Billie. “…so it doesn’t really make sense that she’s consciously doing this.�
“She’s not, but I wonder if someone else is.� Lex mused. “What do you know of the son?�

“Lex?� Clark asked but Lex tilted his head toward Chloe indicating he should listen.

Chloe looked in confusion from one to the other. “Um, well. I’ve never met him myself. But the word is he’s from the slums.�

“Hmm,� Lex mused. “Great way to make money.�

“So you think he was selling on the side?�

“She’s so blazed she has no clue.�

“Who has no clue?� Clark asked trying to keep up. But it was hard with only pronouns and no names being used.

Lex smiled at Clark and wondered how anyone could be so cute and so innocent at once. It was being in love with a puppy. But it was time to clue Clark in a bit. “I think we know who is really doing this. We need to talk to Billie.�


An hour later saw them in Billie’s living room being served a variety of herbal teas and munchies. There were Doritos, Yodels, Tootsie Rolls and Gummy Bears on the table by Lex alone. Billie wore a tie-die shirt and had long gray hair, bells woven into it by colorful embroidery thread. Lex started to fondly remember his college days in Princeton, hanging out high as a kite by the fountain, tossing and losing his Frisbee on top of the Firestone Library. She was about as dangerous as a limp noodle.

Billie sat in front of them at last after fusing over them and clearly thrilled at the company. “What can I do for you two?�

“Well, it’s about your baked goods Billie,� Lex began. “Now I don’t want to freak you out but I tested them and found one ingredient that shouldn’t be in there.�

She frowned. “My son has been helping with the baking and the garden. All I asked was that he grow my medicinal herb.� She looked from Lex, who she saw immediately understood and Clark who obviously didn’t get the reference.

“So you weren’t aware that they’d fallen into the water?� Lex asked.

“Or that they were growing on our land now?� Clark added irritably. “My dad wouldn’t be happy about that.� Lex thought that was a mild understatement but let it go.

Billie looked bewildered. “But I only need two a season.� Then she grinned like a little girl. “Okay four at the most.�
“For medicinal use of course,� Lex winked he had finally placed Billie. Her name was Wilhelmina and had been the partiers choice back when he was in college. Everyone wanted her on their list for three important reasons; she never blabbed, she always had good stuff on her that she shared freely and she also was a lot of fun to be with when it came time to kick back.

She smiled with relief at the acknowledgment and nodded before the frown came back in force a moment later. “Well, why are there? Who would? DYLAN!� She hollered the last, making both Lex and Clark wince.

“What do you want ma?� came a holler from the basement.

“Get up here NOW!� Clark bit his lip. It was all he could do not to jump to his own feet when the mom voice was used. Billie sounded a lot like his own mom, even if he’d never seen his own in tie dye and moccasins.

A scraggly looking young man pounded up the steps from the basement. This is when Lex recalled that ‘Billie’ had been in a very bad first marriage to a jerk of the first Magnitude. Lex recalled that it was said he had a chip on his shoulder the size of a skyscraper. He couldn’t help it when his eyes quickly took in the man accessing him in a few seconds.

“Dude. Who are you man?� He asked warily.

“Never mind that, “Billie cut in. “Why are you expanding my garden? That’s not cool! I never asked you or told you to do that! Are you insane?�

Clark jumped into action in a burst of super-speed as he saw Dylan reaching into his coat for a weapon. He tackled him to the ground and shooting a beam of laser light at the knife got Dylan to drop it. Dylan was soon pinned down and Billie was scowling at him over Clark’s shoulder. Clark knew that look too. Dylan was grounded – forever.

They were lucky the cops weren’t called and Billie knew it. Lex was guaranteed free baked goods delivered to the castle for the rest of his days.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was all over, except for the wrap up back at the Talon. It was bright and early the next day when the self-appointed Scooby Doo crew wrapped things up by filling Lana in. Well, to a certain extent.

“So was it just contaminated water?� Lana asked nervously.

“Yup and it’s all cleared up. You have nothing to worry about anymore.� Lex assured her. She smiled, nodded and went back to work.

Chloe shook her head over the case. “You know if this had happened in Metropolis….� She sighed unhappily and made her way to the counter.

Lex didn’t want to think on it. Billie had only had that recipe for herself. Her son had used the wrong one, although he did seem to be aiming to do some dealing. But that had been ended rather quickly. She was only partaking to deal with her chronic pain. He’d get some political action going to have the laws in the state reviewed in regards to medicinal cannabis. In the meantime, Lex was having Billie seen by a top rated surgeon to see if back surgery was a viable option.

Lex would help her pay for the rehabilitation clinic that Dylan was going to. They also had a top rate anger management facility. Lex also was allowing Billie to make her baked goods at the Talon. It had turned out the dust from the plants was responsible for that.

The populace of Smallville had been eating hash brownies and drinking cannabis tea.
So all of Smallville was mellow for a bit, it was a good thing really. After all they were contenders for the most tight ass town in Kansas.

And as word quietly made the rounds of what had happened, a gay relationship might not be such a big thing. Speaking of which…

“About the other day Clark –“

“When you were literally falling for me Lex?� Clark teased. “How could I forget?�

Lex blinked twice. Maybe his innocent farm boy had porn sites bookmarked on the internet, because he suddenly didn’t seem so naive. It was all a rouse! Especially if that foot in his crotch was any indication! “Something you want to tell me Clark?� Lex gasped out.

“I might not know all the things you do, but they make manuals for other things.� Clark batted his eyelashes bringing the innocent farm boy act to full bear on Lex’s already fragile control.

But Lex’s brain demanded answers. “But the way you act and talk, you can’t tell me that Martha and Jonathan’s little boy is no longer a virgin?�

“Well, duh Lex. What gave you the first clue?� Clark hissed into his ear.

And Lex realized that while he might have solved the mystery, but somehow he’d missed the clue bus.

As Clark kissed his throat and Lex made a happy moan low in his throat his last coherent thought was , ‘Time to christen the Bugati’.



THE END