Admiration
By Kenaf








It had been another boring meeting full of policy reminders, base rules and hopeful missions to come. Daniel looked up at the end to see only he and Jack remained. Jack O'Neill was staring blankly at his papers his head in his hands. It was odd really Jack was usually the first one up and out of the door. There used to be a time when Daniel would have asked what was wrong. But they used to be much closer. Daniel wasn't sure when it had happened, what or why but to aask now would mean having his head torn off his shoulders and force fed to him. 'No thanks,' Daniel thought.

Still the man looked like he needed something. Maybe a small word of encouragement was needed. Or maybe just some small token, Daniel thought as he headed toward the door. He looked back and gulped. Well if he was force-fed his head today it was bound to be better than whatever passed for lunch in the mess hall today.

"Jack, have you ever admired someone?"

The question lay between them. It was innocent enough and rather innocuous, maybe it would get Jack's curiosity. Sure enough Jack's head slowly rotated and he looked up at Daniel with large brown eyes full of confusion and pain.
"Daniel?"

"Admire someone Jack, just thinking if you had some of what they do that it could make you a better person, simple admiration."

"I-I never thought about it much,"Jack stumbled out, running a hand through his hair causing his cowlicks to stand up more.
Daniel took a big breath. He could do this. 'Just say it and run Jackson,' he thought in his head.

"I have, well I suppose I still do though it used to be easier when we were good friends." Daniel hung his head and plowed on hand deep into his BDU's hanging in the doorway wondering what possessed him to bring it up.

"Who?" Jack asked so softly that Daniel wondered if he'd heard it but it was the next logical response.

Daniel looked over his shoulder so he didn't have to fully look Jack in the eyes as he replied, "I admire you."

###
Two days later Daniel found a piece of paper on his desk. It was noticeable because it was on bright blue paper. He recognized the handwriting right away that said, "I admire you Danny."

At the end of the day Daniel still found his eyes wandering to the paper that he'd put on his file cabinet with a magnet. He jumped on the Internet went to Lyrics.com and printed out the lyrics to a song that had haunted him all day. Sticking it in inter-office mail he sent it to Jack.

###

The next day Jack received the manila envelope and rolled his eyes waiting to see what the latest memo would be now. But instead a blue piece of paper came out.

I would like to visit you for a while
get away and out of this city
Maybe I shouldn't have called
But someone had to be the first to break
We can go sit on your back porch
Relax
Talk about anything
It don't matter
I'll be courageous
If you can pretend that you've forgiven me
Because I don't know you anymore
I don't recognize this place
The picture frames have changed and so has your name
We don't talk much anymore
We keep running from the pain
But what I wouldn't give to see your face again
Springtime in the city
Always such relief from the winter freeze
the snow was lonelier than cold
if you know what I mean
Everyone's got an agenda
don't stop
Keep that chin up you'll be all right
Can you believe what a year it's been
Are you still the same?
Has your opinion changed?
(Chorus)
I know I let you down
Again and again
I know I never really treated you right
I've paid the price
I'm still paying for it everyday
So maybe I shouldn't have called
was it too soon to tell?
Oh what the hell
It doesn't really matter
How do you redefine something that never really had a name?
Has your opinion changed?
(Chorus)

Jack read it over several times. He stood up to pace. There was a time that he and Daniel were better friends. The apology that was in the lyrics didn't escape him. After all that was what had made Jack so mad in the first place that Daniel didn't listen. Not all of the words made sense and others hit home. But was he really ready to have Daniel come over and hang out again? No, it would be too awkward. Better to keep on this way.

He did some exploring on the Internet for the group Savage Garden that Daniel was pulling his lyrics from and did a print out. Then he put it back into the interoffice mail. The next morning at yet another briefing Jack noticed the now telltale blue paper was in Daniel's hands as he entered.

Never want to fly
Never want to leave
Never want to say what you mean to me
Never want to run
Frightened to believe
You're the best thing about me
Sometimes I feel like this is only chemistry
Stuck in a maze searching for a way to
Shut down turn around feel the ground beneath me
You're so close where do you end and where do I begin?
Always pushing and pulling
Sometimes sanity takes vacation time on me
I'm in a daze stumbling bewildered
North of gravity head up in the stratosphere
You and I roller coaster riding love
You're the center of adrenaline
and I'm beginning to understand
(Chorus)
Walk on broken glass make my way through fire
These are the things I would do for love
Farewell peace of mind kiss goodbye to reason
Up is down the impossible occurs each day
This intoxication thrills me
I only pray it doesn't kill me
(Chorus)
You're the center of adrenaline
and I'm beginning to understand
you could be the best thing about me
(Chorus)

They were given the go ahead for a new mission but Daniel waited until it was just he and Jack in the room.
Daniel gestured toward the paper. "Is this helping?"

"Yeah, I think so…you"

Daniels smile was the answer. Jack felt something strange on his face then realized he was smiling too. It was something he hadn't done in months.

When they went on their mission there was a lot of ground to cover. Sam and Teal'c went west and Jack and Daniel east toward some ruins. Before night fell they received a transmission from General Hammond that there was a crisis on base and the Stargate would be closed down for security.

They were to stay put until it was resolved and if it took too long to report to the Alpha site. So they made a base camp and set up two tents. Teal'c and Carter took one and leaving Daniel to bunk down with the Colonel. It was warm and the pair lay down on top of their sleeping bags.

"So what should we talk about?" Jack asked looking comfortable his hands clasped behind his head.

"Anything, it won't matter. It's nice just to hear your voice," Daniel replied propping up on one elbow to look at Jack.

"You've turned me into a Savage Garden fan," Jack chuckled.

"I've always been into lyrics," Daniel drew invisible patterns on the sleeping bag.

"Did we get too close?" Jack asked suddenly.

Daniel blinked a few times then answered. "Yes, I suppose we did. I guess we reached a point where it could have become different."

"Different."

"Yeah, different."

"Do you want things to become different Daniel?"

"I'm not sure how to answer that Jack." Daniel rolled on to his back. Some times It's easier to talk without looking at someone. "If I say 'no', I can run the risk of hurting what we may have or you might be relieved. If I say 'yes', I might make you feel forced into something you aren't comfortable with or I might make you um, hopeful, when I don't know what you want."

"Damnit it Daniel why do you always have to make things so complicated?" Jack flipped onto his side to glare at Daniel only to see his face was turned toward the ceiling of the tent with a look of pain.

"Fine Jack, yes different would have been welcome. But now just the way you used to be would be welcome." Daniel's voice sounded strained.

"Like what? What did I used to do that I stopped doing?"

"Touching, smiling, laughing, sharing, spending time together even the nicknames stopped."

"I didn't think you wanted that anymore."

"Wrong. I lived for that." Daniel gulped hoping he wouldn't do the classic Cancer thing and break into tears. He folded his arms and held himself against the onslaught of pain.

"You changed Daniel. The old geek I knew is gone. I knew how to deal with the geek."

"How so?"

"You used to need me, admire me…well more than now and hell Daniel you even looked different. Now you've been working out, You're hair is short, you can shot a P-90 as well as anyone and you can walk off a battlefield without getting sick. We argue over stupid shit, you disagree with my orders and roll your eyes at me."

"So you miss the old me? That's what this is about?"

"Stupid huh?"

"No, but I don't really get it. It's not like I'm no longer Daniel Jackson."

"You're brave, reckless, head strong and will sacrifice yourself for the greater good at any turn. I just can't do it again Daniel."Jack rolled over onto his stomach burying his face in his arms.

Daniel frowned. They were making progress he was sure of it but it didn't make sense yet. Jack was mad because he grew up? "Can't do what again?"Jack mumbled something into the sleeping bag.

"I didn't quite catch that Jack."

Jack suddenly flipped over, sat bolt upright and hoisted Daniel up by the shoulders startling Daniel so much he jerked away like he'd been stung by a cobra. But Jack dug his fingers into Daniel's shoulders. "Losing you god damnit. I can't fucking take losing you again! How many times have I put another damn grey in my hair because I thought you were dead, lost or being tortured? The rest of the team listens and they don't get in half the scrapes you do! I can't fucking take it alright!" He stormed out of the tent as Daniel absently rubbed his shoulders before he followed Jack out.

Teal'c was headed into his tent and Daniel passed him on the way. "Good luck Daniel Jackson," Teal'c said softly before disappearing into his tent.

Daniel sighed in resignation that both Teal'c and Carter had heard Jack yell at him – again. He spotted Jack looking up at the stars.

"Jack we need to work this out,"Daniel said softly. "Do you want me off the team?"

"YES!"Jack yelled. Then seeing the crushed look on Daniel's face said, "No, OH hell I don't know! I know you don't want to miss being on the team. It's me I can't take it. One of these times they're going to zip that body bag on you and there won't be a coming back."

"So let me get this right,"Daniel said softly coming closer to Jack. "You don't want to lose me. But you could lose Sam or Teal'c at anytime too. What makes losing me so different that It's about to send you over the edge?"

"Because," Jack scowled, "Things were different, but you didn't notice."

"So things got different and so you pushed me away?"Daniel tried to understand. "So you couldn't get hurt."

"Basically,"Jack shrugged.

"Then I'd have to say my answer to your earlier question is 'yes'." Daniel smiled and looked down.

"What question is that?" Jack looked at him in confusion now.

"If I want things to become different," Daniel supplied. "Yes, I do."

Jack smiled. "What? Really? Yeah?"

"Oh yeah," Daniel looked up through his lashes then back down at his feet. "You know, um whenever you want things to be different I'm ready." He gave Jack a smile then walked back to the tent.

He smiled as he heard Jack run up behind him as he whispered, "Hot damn."

Daniel lay down bringing up one knee and Jack lay next to him propped up on one elbow. "You're staring Jack."

"I'm admiring Danny," Jack smirked. He gently plucked off Daniel's glasses and looked his fill. Nervously, he lifted his free hand running it over Daniel's temple, his cheek, the tiny indent in his chin and his lips. Jack shivered as Daniel lightly kissed his fingertips.

Bending over Jack gently kissed Daniel's forehead making his intentions clear. Daniel licked his lips and Jack licked at his tongue. Their tongues licked at each other before Jack slid into Daniel's mouth. Jack felt Daniel's hands wrap around his neck bringing him closer. They nestled into each other's arms kissing, touching and cuddling. After a long time of this Daniel curled into Jack's chest happily. Jack wrapped his arms around him and they fell into a blissful sleep.

By the next morning it was as if a storm cloud that had been their tenuous relationship had moved off. In its place their deep friendship had returned. Admiration and respect shone clearly on their faces when they looked at each other. They both also felt better as if a heavy, gut wrenching burden had been removed.

Teal'c and Sam noticed the air didn't crackle with hostile tension anymore. This was such a relief they failed to notice that there was another kind of electricity floating between them. General Hammond noticed too that the negative energy had ended when they returned and felt happy for once that SG1 had been stuck off world. He chuckled to himself that there was a first time for everything.

It was during the next mission that Samantha noticed that there was something new between them. Daniel was trying to pack up his books for the trip in the middle of the hallway. Normally Jack would have made a scathing remark about it. But instead he asked why Daniel needed so many after Daniel had asked him for help. Daniel answered and Jack nodded in understanding and helped without a single complaint.

Sam was sure her eyes were bugging out of her head. As she was not alone in the elevator she turned to look at her father who smiled in return, then winked. "It's high time Sam, let them be happy," he whispered at her ear. He gave a fatherly look and Sam understood that she was not to interfere.

She smiled, nodded and looking again at the two men as they entered the elevator. Daniel was still talking when Jack shot him a look so tender and loving that Sam wouldn't have believed it if she hadn't seen it with her own two eyes.

Then in a gesture that looked not only intimate, but also practiced Jack reached over toward Daniel. There was a time when Daniel would have flinched backwards but he didn't budge as Jack tenderly pushed up Daniel's glasses. Jacob patted Sam on the shoulder and she belatedly realized her mouth was hanging open.

She snapped it shut and smiled as she saw the love flowing between the two men. Sam wondered if they both knew it or not. During the mission she noticed too that Daniel seemed more confident and Jack looked at him in silent communication more than once.

Still, the heat between the two continued to build like a flame in the wind. Daniel had been invited over to Jack's for dinner and a movie, yet it was different now and both men sensed it. As Daniel entered Jack took his hand and led him over to the couch. With a smile Jack leaned over and kissed Daniel like it was the first time.

"I have to tell you something Danny,"Jack whispered against Daniel's lips.

"What is it Jack?"Daniel asked with some concern. Had things been going too well?

"Doctor Daniel Jackson, I love you with all that I am,"Jack smiled looking tenderly into Daniel's big blue eyes.

Daniel felt totally inadequate. Jack was incredible and wonderful. "I know why I love you Jack. But why do you love me?"

"Because I came alive when I met you."Jack whispered then led Daniel up to bed.

Fin