The BLTS Archive - I Am A Rock first in The Simon & Garfunkel series by Yvette (yvette@ecn.net.au) --- © August 1998 Malissa the Brilliant strikes again - beta reader extraordinaire, who makes the comment, "You know, it's when the writing brings out your inner bitch that you shine brightest".  What a charmer! For those who don't instantly recognise the lyrics - Simon and Garfunkel's "I Am A Rock" provides the inspiration for this story. Well - Simon, Garfunkel and Malissa. --- ~ I build walls ~ ~ their fortress steep and mighty ~ ~ That none may penetrate ~ --- "Where there is no emotion, there can be no pain." First, deconstruct the emotion. Consider the reasons behind your feelings for him. His beauty is no more than a random set of genetic variables. The body is fit and muscled, due to exercise and regular workouts. Skin tone and hair colour, while aesthetically pleasing, are genetic traits. Features are even, two eyes, a nose and a mouth. No more or less than other Humans onboard the ship. Deconstruct the emotion. There is no longing - simply a desire for a mate. He is intelligent, it is natural that you would be drawn to intelligence. His qualities are qualities you have admired in others for over a century. Loyalty, integrity, honesty. Deconstruct the emotion and you will realise that you are feeling no more than a natural inclination towards someone who has a number of admirable qualities. There is no yearning. There is no love. There is simply emotional complex. 'Where there is no emotion, there can be no pain.' Hours later the mantra had become, once again, a part of his psyche. The time spent in meditative suppression would allow him to be around Harry Kim without feeling the pain of Sh'ahn Pal Lak - the engulfment. It was the most intense and psychologically perilous form of love and Tuvok had never before been under its spell. Without the disciplines learned in his youth, Tuvok would be victim to his emotions. Voyager's Chief of Security rose from his position, cross-legged on the floor on his quarters, blew out the meditation candles and prepared for bed. Alone. --- "You possess the unfortunate habit of rhetorical overstatement, Ensign. Anyone would think that I had physically assaulted you with the Kal-toh board." Harry Kim grinned in response. "Tuvok, you thrashed me, like you always thrash me. Even if we kept playing for the next twenty years you'd always beat me. You were trained by a Master!" Tuvok sat back in his chair on the holodeck. He raised one eyebrow wryly. "So, Mr. Kim, were you." Harry, too, settled back into his chair opposite Tuvok's, preparing for the verbal battles that took place for long hours after the Kal-toh was finished. "You never said you were a Master, Tuvok. Is that like a Grand Master of Chess?" "Similar. The Master who trained me, trained many others. His students showed varying degrees of aptitude for the game, each according to their abilities. To assume, therefore, that being trained by a Master makes one unbeatable, would be inaccurate. You have also been trained by a Master, and yet you persist in placing the T'Hahn at opposing ends of the spectrum. I have taught you, time and again, that Kal-toh not about balance." Harry interrupted with ease of long practice. "Yeah - I know, it's about finding the seeds of order even in the midst of profound chaos. I like balance, though. Balance gives a clearer picture of the problem." "And yet, there are times when no amount of striving for balance will achieve the desired result. It would be illogical to continually strive for the unachievable." Drinks were served by a scantily clad female who was ignored by both men. Harry leaned forward with a serious frown on his face. "But how do you know when something is unachievable? What if you're giving up too soon?" Tuvok pondered the problem for several moments. Harry didn't know it, but it was a question that cut right to Tuvok's core. When indeed did one decide that one's heart's desire was unobtainable? He answered as best he could, and the debate continued. The two men talked long into the night, as was their habit after their weekly game of Kal-toh. After the disastrous Marena incident, Tuvok had offered to teach Harry the Vulcan game, and to his pleasure, Harry had become an avid player. That was the limit of their relationship. It had taken some time to repair the damage done after Harry had fallen for a what appeared to be a computer subroutine and had asked Tuvok to help him, but now their friendship was stronger than ever. Tuvok had wanted Harry for a lover and a bond mate for a very long time, but he had never made any mention of his feelings to Harry. At first, it had been due to the duration of their voyage. Despite the optimistic views shared by the Captain and Chakotay, Tuvok took a more realistic view of their journey. It would be unfair in the extreme to tie Harry down to a monogamous relationship with a male. Harry would want to marry and have children, and he deserved that chance. As time went by, Tuvok noted the changes in the crew relationships. Early on, there were a number of same sex relationships, as most of the crew were, subconsciously at least, in denial with regard to the length of their voyage. Most didn't want to start a relationship that would certainly raise questions in the near future about having children, if it meant admitting that they would be on Voyager long enough to start families. After the first couple of years, though, the crew settled down a little, and heterosexual relationships began to outnumber the homosexual ones for the first time. There were marriages in the third year, and people started talking about children. But Harry wasn't included in their number. Despite aggressive courting from several female crew members, Harry remained unmarried, and showed no real desire to change his single state. Tuvok's friendship with the Ensign deepened, and one day he heard a discussion between Tom Paris and Harry Kim that gave rise to hopes for a more intimate relationship between them. The two young friends had been discussing the relationships onboard Voyager, and Tom had bought up the subject of children. To Tuvok's surprise, Harry had admitted that he had never been possessed of a desire to procreate. The Ensign was an only child, but both his parents came from large families and Harry had over twenty cousins - most of whom had married and were starting families when Harry had left for Deep Space Nine. One of the reasons he and Libby had been so compatible was their love of their work, and their lack of desire to have children. Tuvok had spent many nights in meditation pondering that point. Harry didn't want children. It was a long way from that to assuming that Harry would want a relationship with Tuvok, however. Harry was so young - he would want someone his own age. Someone Human. Tuvok continued his regimen of meditative suppression on a daily basis until it became automatic to control his quickening pulse when Harry neared, and to assume a manner of complete disinterest in Harry's presence. When Harry had come to Tuvok to ask him for help regarding his feelings for Marena, a holodeck program, Tuvok had been made truly aware of the Human term 'irony'. He had spent the better part of a week teaching Harry the very techniques he used himself to cope with his feelings for the young Ensign. In the turbo lift, he had spoken about the options available to Harry. There were three: conversion to a more balanced, stable relationship, retreat, or an end in tragic circumstances. Tuvok had recommended retreat - aware as he did so of feeling almost envious that Harry had that option. He had attempted the same thing himself, but had realised soon that retreat was next to impossible. He and Harry worked for eight hours a day together on the bridge, and it was next to impossible to avoid another officer in other areas of the ship, the mess hall, the holodeck. Attempting to avoid any and all social events onboard Voyager was equally futile. Then there was the conversion to a more balanced, stable relationship. Was it possible? He was aware that Harry enjoyed their time together also, but was that enough for the younger man? There was no indication that Harry had ever been with a man, for that matter. Tuvok had no experience in that area, but Vulcans placed far less importance than Humans did on the physical attributes of their lovers. Ultimately, Tuvok came to the conclusion that he could convert their relationship to something workable. All it would take would be for him to control his inappropriate feelings, and he could then enjoy Harry's friendship without giving anything away. He hadn't been exaggerating when he had described to Harry the symptoms of Sh'ahn Pal Lak. But the efforts required to maintain an indifferent facade in front of the Ensign somehow made his daily routine seem less ludicrous. He had Voyager's mission, his responsibility to the crew. And he saw Harry for approximately eight point six three hours every day on the bridge. Nine point four two hours every third day, when their lunch hours co-incided. And up to twelve point six one hours one day a week when they played Kal-toh on the holodeck and talked long into the night. To see through the emotional complex is to rob it of its power. Perhaps soon his meditation would give truth to that axiom. --- 'Where there is no emotion, there can be no pain. Deconstruct . . . ' Tonight the meditation wasn't working. He had been at it for hours, but eventually gave up with no small measure of self-disgust. Harry Kim was playing pool on the holodeck, flirting with the Delaney sisters, chatting and laughing with his best friend, Tom Paris. Every effort at looking at the situation objectively - minus the emotional dimension - had failed. He was lonely. He was jealous. Tuvok rose from his position on the floor and went over to his desk, keying the computer as he sat down. For several long moments he sat there, silently fighting against this. He was a Vulcan. He shouldn't need this. He shouldn't want this. Eventually, one long fingered hand flew over the keys, releasing the lock out commands and bringing up the images he requested. For such a simple program there was a lot of security on it, but Tuvok had no intention of accidentally allowing anyone else to see his private files. Should he be killed his computer would erase all of these files once his death had been logged in the computer. No-one would ever know. The image of Harry Kim shimmered into life on the screen, and smiled at him. Such a typical look for Harry, open, accepting - friendly. The pictures changed rapidly, taken from holodeck scenarios, personnel files, even medical files. They were all Harry. Long before the last picture flicked up on the screen, Tuvok allowed the familiar wave of arousal to flood his body. Just one night - tomorrow he would meditate all night if he had to. When the final picture faded from the screen, Tuvok shut off the computer and went into the bedroom. Several commands placed a privacy lock on his door, turned off the lights in the main room and dimmed the ones in the bedroom. He turned down the covers of the bed, stripped naked, and lay upon it. The images were still there in his mind when he began stroking the aching flesh between his legs. His cock hardened underneath his hand as he imagined Harry Kim performing this intimate service for him. Perhaps they would even kiss. Perhaps he would be allowed to explore Harry Kim with his mouth and hands until he had mapped every inch of that most aesthetically pleasing body. His hand sped up and the other crept up to his chest to stroke his nipples which had hardened at the thought of Harry Kim, naked and in bed with him. Would Harry allow penetration? Perhaps he would prefer to be the dominant partner. His cock was leaking now, hard and throbbing beneath his hand. He slowed down the pace, knowing that he had to ration himself these occasions or he would end up victim to his own needs. Tonight would be the first time in three weeks he had succumbed - he wanted to make it last. Tuvok had never been penetrated. Had never been fellated, for that matter. Vulcans weren't as orally fixated as Humans, but Tuvok had read with interest some of the fiction found on the computer that dealt with Human sex. Imagining Harry's mouth on his cock almost bought him off there and then, so he quickly switched to the other way around. A low moan escaped his body as he imagined being allowed to explore the length of Harry's penis with his mouth and tongue. Perhaps . . .perhaps Harry would want to enter him. He had to take his hand away from his cock completely now - he was too close. Tuvok lay panting on the bed, a light sheen of sweat giving indication of his fight to control his arousal. One hand continued to stimulate his nipples, pinching them now, but the other stayed on the bed beside him. Slowly, he allowed the image to take shape in his mind. He on hands and knees, perhaps even elbows and knees, as Harry entered him from behind. The feeling of being possessed, of being well and truly fucked by the younger man would make his own cock pound and throb with need. Would he push against the bed to get friction against his cock? Or would Harry be jerking him off while fucking him hard from behind? He was on the verge now, and all it took was a couple of quick pulls from his hand before his cock was shooting a considerable amount of ejaculate over his stomach and chest. It had been several weeks, after all. For a long time after his orgasm, Tuvok lay on the bed, concentrating on nothing more than ridding his mind of every thought. Eventually he got up and showered. As always, the water was scaldingly hot, symbolically as well as physically washing away the signs of his weakness. He stayed under the pounding spray for a long time before switching to the air cycle. Finally, he went back to bed, this time to sleep. Alone. --- ~ I have no need of friendship ~ ~ friendship causes pain ~ ~ It's laughter and it's loving I disdain ~ --- Tuvok had told himself many times in the past that it would be foolish to make an issue of his exceptionally good hearing. Vulcans, as a matter of course, have considerably better hearing than Humans, and Tuvok was at the top of the scale for Vulcans. Certainly the Captain had never complained when Tuvok had repeated an overheard conversation relating to ship's business. She had once laughingly told him that 'eavesdroppers never hear good of themselves' and he had refrained from telling her that he was already aware of that fact. Voyager's Chief of Security was not the most popular person onboard Voyager. Now he regretted his oversight. Unusually for him, Tuvok had been in the holodeck when he overheard the conversation between Tom Paris and Harry Kim. Aside from the times he met with Harry to play Kal-toh, Tuvok almost never went to the holodeck, even more rarely when it was the beach program. But he had promised to meet Kes there, and it was when he was waiting for her to arrive that he heard Tom Paris say his name. "So - Tuvok busy tonight, Harry?" Harry's voice also carried clearly to where Tuvok was standing. "I don't know, Tom - I didn't ask. Why, do you want think *he'd* like to date Sue?" The two men laughed, before Tom replied. "Okay, okay! I promised to stop trying to set you and Nicoletti up, Harry! Besides, she's going out with Michaelson last time I heard, so you've missed your chance." Tuvok heard the two men pulling two of the deck chairs into the shade where they sat. If Tuvok left now they would see him, but they hadn't said anything they shouldn't have so . . . "What is it with you and Tuvok, anyway, Harry?" There was a silence from Harry as Tuvok froze in place behind the concealing pillar. "What do you mean?" Harry sounded defensive. "C'mon - Harry, you spend more time with him than anyone else onboard does. I was just wondering if you two were starting something." Harry laughed. "Yeah, Tom - me and Tuvok. The romance of the century." Tom sounded serious, though. "Harry - it's pretty obvious to me that he's got a crush on you. Haven't you noticed how the only times he appears in public, it's to spend time with you?" Tuvok stood transfixed behind the pillar. At Tom's throwaway words, he began to understand the Human expression, 'to burn with shame'. Harry was dismissive. "Don't be an idiot, Tom. Vulcans don't get crushes. And even if they did - Tuvok doesn't fit the bill. He's teaching me Kal-toh, that's all." "I don't know, Harry. I wasn't going to say anything, but last week - when you were talking to him during lunch? I swear for just a second I saw him look at you like . . ." "Like *what*, Tom?" Harry sounded more curious than anything else. "Like Neelix looks at Kes." "You were imagining it, Tom. Tuvok's got a wife and family on Vulcan. You were dreaming." "His wife is a long way away, Harry. Sendek started up a new relationship and he was bonded on Vulcan. Why can't Tuvok?" "So what are you saying, you think Tuvok and I should get together?" Tom sounded horrified at the notion. "God, no, Harry! Can you imagine him coming for a night out with us? Talk about a killjoy! I just wanted to make sure that you knew what was going on. I mean, I know you like him - not like *that* - but you get along with him better than the rest of us, anyway. I just wondered if you two were on the same page." At that moment, Kes entered the holodeck. Seeing Tuvok in front of the pillar, she headed towards him. Tuvok looked up, and immediately held a finger to his lips. Kes frowned, and noticed Tom and Harry seated a few feet behind Tuvok. It was obvious that they didn't know Tuvok was there and that the Vulcan wanted to keep it that way. The Ocampan paused for a moment and made a decision. Walking straight past Tuvok, she headed for Tom and Harry and asked them to help her move some tables further along the causeway. The three left then, giving Tuvok ample opportunity to depart the holodeck unseen. When he entered his quarters, Tuvok put the privacy lock on as a matter of course, before taking stock. Distantly, he noted that the feeling of shame had manifested itself in a flush of heat over his face. It was a curious sensation. He stood stock still for a long while, getting his pulse under control, and waiting for the heat to subside. The conversation remained in the back of his mind for a time when he could be calm and controlled enough to break it down word for word and consider its ramifications. For now, there was only the comfort of his sanctuary and the fleeting wish that he could move his station on the bridge to this room and finish the entire journey from here. --- ~ I have my books and my poetry to protect me ~ ~ I am shielded in my armor ~ ~ hiding in my room, safe within my womb ~ ~ I touch no-one and no-one touches me ~ --- Tuvok began avoiding Harry. It had taken many hours of meditation before he ceased to inwardly burn with shame at the memory of Tom's remarks. He was experiencing the K'Ohnar - the feeling of being completely exposed. For a Vulcan, there could be nothing worse. He embarked upon an intensive training course for every security officer onboard. His lunch hours were spent in his office, working on fitness reports and crew evaluations. The training took up most of his off duty hours, and the rest were spent in the seclusion of his room, meditating. He began an exhaustive workout schedule - up to two hours a day in the early hours of the morning when none but a few of the gamma shift crew were using the gym. In a short time he was fitter than he had been in his entire life, but it wasn't enough. Within a couple of weeks, Tuvok's security team were at peak efficiency. Rather than maintain the crippling pace he had set for the past weeks, Tuvok eased up slightly, turning his attention elsewhere. He programmed a number of holodeck scenarios for the training of other members of the crew, and began cross training for crew members who worked neither in security nor on the bridge. The Captain was very pleased with the increase in efficiency, but Chakotay appeared to suspect something. Twice he had asked Tuvok if he wanted to talk, and reminded the Vulcan that his 'door was open' if Tuvok needed to discuss anything. Kes knew. Her empathic powers were increasing almost exponentially, and it was becoming impossible to keep anything from her. She, too, had offered a sympathetic ear, but Tuvok was unable to take her up on her offer. The shame of the overheard conversation stayed with him every day. "And what of you, Tuvok? Will you always be alone?" Marena's words came back to him at odd times during his self-enforced seclusion. Ironically, in an effort to isolate himself he ended up spending more time with crew members than ever before. When he was around others, he was in permanent Starfleet mode, and at all other times he remained in the refuge of his quarters. Tuvok sought inner peace, but it was a struggle. Nearly three weeks after overhearing the conversation on the holodeck, he was meditating alone in his quarters when the door chime rang. He frowned, and said, "Enter." The door slid open and Harry Kim entered his room. The scene was so reminiscent of the time Harry had come to see him about Marena that Tuvok was unable to suppress a raised eyebrow at the feeling of deja vu. "May I help you, Mr. Kim?" This time Harry didn't hover at the entrance to his quarters. Instead, the younger man came over to his meditation table, and sat cross legged on the floor to the right of Tuvok. "I wanted to talk to you, Tuvok." Harry sounded hesitant, but determined. "What is on your mind, Ensign?" As Harry paused to find the words to reply, Tuvok could not help but run through a few possible reasons for Harry's visit. He was in love with the warp core, this time perhaps? Had a crush on a hypospray? "Have I done something to offend you, Tuvok?" Harry sounded sincere, but then, Harry always sounded sincere. "Why do you ask, Ensign?" Tuvok wanted to buy some time, knowing what was coming. "You've cancelled our Kal-toh game twice in a row, Tuvok. And you never eat in the mess hall anymore. I've barely seen you at all lately." "I have a responsibility to the ship, Ensign. As Chief of Security, I must see to the safety of all 145 crew members onboard Voyager. There will be occasions when I cannot spare the time to socialise." Based on experience, Harry would retreat at the command tone. "Things have been pretty quiet lately, Tuvok. It's not like you're doing stuff that *has* to be done this second. Can't you take some time off for yourself occasionally?" Trust Harry to buck the odds at this particular point. "I have time to myself, Ensign. You are, in fact, interrupting some of it." It was a little more harsh, but Harry could occasionally be very determined. This was clearly one such occasion. "I'm sorry, Tuvok. But I meant spending time with the crew, not just meditating. What about . . ." Tuvok was annoyed now. "Ensign - it is not your place to suggest how I could best spend my leisure time. I will overlook the offense on this occasion. Now, if you will excuse me, I have only a short period of time to myself before I am due at a training session." Harry was teetering on the brink of an insubordination charge, but he kept on stubbornly. "I wasn't asking as a junior officer, Tuvok, but as a friend. As your *friend* I'm trying to say that I miss having you around. And I'm worried that, as your *friend*, I've offended you in some way because you seem to be avoiding me lately." They were heading into dangerous waters now and Tuvok was determined to halt the steady progression. "We are colleagues, Ensign Kim, no more. I suggest you leave now, before our association is damaged further." For once in his life, Harry didn't respond automatically to the command inherent in that tone. He was beginning to sound angry. "Association? Colleagues? Frankly, Tuvok - the way you've been behaving lately I couldn't honestly say that our "association" could be damaged much further." Tuvok was icily formal. "I assure you, Ensign Kim, that our association will be very much the worse if I am forced to put you on report for insubordination. I have requested that you leave my quarters immediately. Do so, or I assure you, this will become an official matter." Harry finally seemed to realise his dangerous situation. He rose, hurt and confusion clearly outlined on his features, and went to the door without another word. Tuvok was relieved to see him go, but knew enough about Harry to know that the matter would not end there. --- He was right. Two days after their altercation in his quarters, Tuvok was once again interrupted by Harry. This time he was eating lunch alone in his office whilst working on security rosters for the next couple of weeks. A chime at the door heralded Harry's entrance, and when the Ensign explained his purpose for visiting, Tuvok had to take a moment to consider the ingenuity of Harry's request. Clearly, Harry had put a lot of thought into it. He had requested that Tuvok train him as a security officer, as he wished to 'expand his knowledge and increase his chances for promotion'. He had even gone to Chakotay, who apparently thought it a wonderful idea as he had endorsed Harry's request, even adding a notation to Tuvok that he spend some extra hours during their regular shift if possible working with Harry. From Chakotay's point of view, this would be an excellent opportunity to expand the skills of a junior officer, and a chance he wouldn't hesitate to take advantage of. From Tuvok's point of view, it was the worse possible timing. There was really no-one else he could delegate the training to. He was Chief of Security, and was also the only member of the security section who was senior to Harry. None of his staff had the seniority or the experience to undertake this kind of training. And with Tuvok's recent seeming enthusiasm for cross training it would seem ludicrous for him to refuse this assignment, even assuming he could come up with some reason for doing so. Tuvok read Harry's request and Chakotay's notation from the PADD Harry had handed him, then looked up at the man he was in love with.  Harry was sitting in the chair in front of the desk, watching him with one eyebrow raised.  The expression seemed familiar, somehow, but Tuvok was unable to place it. "Very well, Ensign.  We will begin your training tomorrow at 0400 hours. Meet me in the gymnasium." If he had to suffer, then so would Harry. --- A week later, Tuvok had to consider that honours were evenly divided between himself and Harry. Harry had certainly been successful in spending more time with Tuvok, if that had in fact been his purpose, but Tuvok had ensured that the time they spent together was spent in as painful and exhausting a fashion as he could find. He had run Harry ragged. The old fashioned forty-pound-pack had become Harry's nemesis. He spent two hours prior to his bridge shift every day running at full pace through the ship with the pack tied to his back. He crawled through every Jefferies Tube in Voyager, and when he was finished Tuvok had him running timed laps until their training sessions ended. If Harry had expected an opportunity to chat with Tuvok he had been gravely mistaken in choosing this course of action. There was no time to speak, and barely enough time given to catch his breath. On the other hand, Tuvok's responsibility included doing each and every exercise right alongside Harry. He was blindingly fit, so the exercise didn't bother him - but seeing Harry sweating and panting made it necessary to tighten his controls even further. In the afternoons after the bridge shift ended, Tuvok had Harry for a further two hours to teach him to fight and to defend himself. Here Tuvok cheated a little, always having another member or members of security work out with Harry whilst he gave instructions from the sideline. There was no way he was going to get into physical proximity with Harry at this late stage. And Harry took it all without complaint. After the first day he seemed to realise that Tuvok would not give him an opportunity to talk to him, so he put up with the crippling pace without complaint. In doing so, he also reached peak fitness, and Tuvok was simultaneously blessed and cursed with the regular sight of Harry's muscled, half naked form. As they came to the end of the first two weeks, however, Tuvok became aware of a feeling of triumph emanating from Harry. He could not understand the feeling, because he and Harry spoke very little, but it was there nonetheless. And as Harry not only passed, but passed with very high scores, each of the tests that signalled the end of the physical training, Tuvok began to realise why the Ensign was feeling victorious. Once he was past the arduous physical training, there was nothing left but the training on the tactical station. This would take a month at the very least, and would consist of Harry and Tuvok working very closely together - not only on the bridge, but also in Tuvok's office and alone in holodeck simulations. Tuvok dreaded the end of the physical training, but end it did, and tomorrow would begin the rest of it. --- Harry was on time, as always. Until Tuvok pronounced him qualified to work on the tactical station on the bridge, Harry would work half the shift under Tuvok's tutelage at tactics, and the other half of the shift at his own station. Tuvok was business-like, as usual. But even a half shift meant that for four hours, Tuvok had to fill in the time with training. Any attempt by Harry to steer the conversation onto personal grounds would have to be rebuffed instantly. Tuvok was fully prepared to do whatever it took to keep this on a completely official, efficient level. Harry surprised him. The Ensign made absolutely no attempt to address him on anything but a professional level, instead spending his time demonstrating his intelligence and ability to pick things up quickly. The following four days followed a similar pattern. Harry went off to lunch with Tom every day, and Tuvok lunched alone in his office. By the end of the fourth day, Tuvok was feeling a lot more confident. His controls were as strong as they had ever been, and he was positive that no hint of his feelings had slipped out. He could cope with the close proximity to Harry. Tuvok felt so confident, in fact, that instead of hovering at his station until Harry had left the bridge, he waited for the turbolift and the end of the day with the Ensign and Tom Paris. The lift came, and was given three different destinations. Then Tom spoke. "Hey, Harry - up for a game of pool tonight?" "No thanks, Tom. I'm not really in the mood for Sandrine's." Tom didn't seem too disappointed. "Fair enough. Gonna have a quiet evening in, huh?" "Something like that." Tuvok had ignored the entire conversation as usual, but he was curious to know the reason behind that enigmatic statement. Did Harry have a date with someone? The turbolift had opened on Deck Three, so Tom exited, leaving Tuvok alone with Harry. "Tuvok? How about a game of Kal-toh tonight?" Tuvok turned to look at Harry. There was the slightest hesitation before he answered. "Very well, Ensign.  Perhaps the mess hall at . . .?" Harry interrupted. "What about my quarters, Tuvok? The mess hall is too noisy, and you know what Sandrine's will be like tonight. End of a shift rotation and all that." Having agreed to the game, there was no graceful way to refuse the location unless he could come up with a better alternative. He could not. "Very well. Your quarters at 1930 hours." The lift had stopped some seconds ago on Harry's floor, but Harry had waited for Tuvok's answer before stepping off. Giving the Vulcan a blinding smile, he said, "Great! See you there, then." As the lift doors slid shut blocking the view of Harry's retreating form, Tuvok mentally castigated himself. His success in maintaining his controls over the past few weeks had made him overconfident. The conversation overheard in the holodeck came back to him. /" it's pretty obvious to me that he's got a crush on you"/ Was it pity? Even all the meditation he'd been doing over the past month or so hadn't given Tuvok an insight behind Harry's behaviour lately. Why had he requested the security training now of all times? Was it possible . . . .? As Tuvok exited the holodeck on his own floor and headed for his quarters, he clamped down on the fruitless, illogical speculation. Those thoughts could only lead to further emotional complications, and that was something to be avoided at all costs. Particularly two point seven three hours prior to spending an evening alone with Harry Kim in the Ensign's quarters. --- Tuvok was still meditating when Kes commed him from sickbay. "Tuvok - Harry Kim has just been brought in. There was an accident in his quarters, he's in surgery now." Tuvok did not reply. He could not find the strength to maintain a calm exterior to Kes *and* fight the intense wave of fear that had overcome him at her words. Fortunately, the Ocampan seemed to understand that he was incapable of reply, and simply ended the communication. Tuvok stayed in his quarters for the next three hours, fighting every impulse he had to go to Harry. Tom Paris would be there, probably B'Elanna Torres as well. The Captain would be calling for regular updates on his condition, and Chakotay would no doubt look in on sickbay. Tuvok had no place there. Kes commed again a little over an hour later, to tell him that the surgery had gone well. Tuvok was sufficiently in control of himself to ask about the accident, and Kes explained that a power pack had overheated, and when Harry had used his replicator there was a small but potentially lethal explosion. B'Elanna had apparently fixed the problem - it was one of those one in a million things, Kes reported. Tuvok drew strength from her unspoken sympathy. She alone knew of his feelings for Harry, and had taken the time to keep him informed. Finally, several hours later, Kes commed for the final time to tell Tuvok that Harry was completely out of danger. There would be no scarring or other permanent injuries, and the Ensign would be cleared for duty in a couple of days. Tuvok stayed in his meditation posture for the entire night. It was time finally to examine his feelings for Harry. The surge of fear he had felt upon hearing that Harry was injured, possibly dead, was something far more serious than a simple emotional complex. He was in love with Ensign Kim. This was no crush, no brief infatuation - this was the kind of deep, intense love that no amount of meditation would be able to conquer. He was tired of fighting this. He couldn't retreat - there was simply nowhere to go. On Voyager one couldn't request a transfer to another ship, or leave Starfleet. He was stuck here, with Harry. The choice was clear - either he and Harry began a deeper, more intimate relationship, or things could continue as they were. Always this battle within him, the incredible effort to maintain an indifferent air when Harry was around. The pain that came with trying to avoid the Ensign and the pain that was being with Harry, but maintaining his distance. Their friendship would never be enough for him. The torment he went through now when Harry spent a simple evening with friends cut deep - how bad would it be if Harry were to begin a relationship with someone else? He had to tell Harry how he felt. It was past midnight when Tuvok realised that fact. Somehow, accepting it made his burden seem lighter. Everything seemed calmer, and he was able to view the situation more rationally. Harry enjoyed his company. The Ensign had sought Tuvok out just as many times as Tuvok had sought *him* out - and had given no indication that he considered their time together anything but agreeable. And then there was his confusing behaviour of late. Tuvok had rejected Harry's company, so Harry had gone out of his way to ensure that he would be spending time with Tuvok regardless. The security training was an onerous task to take on - Harry had to consider his relationship with Tuvok important enough to give of his spare time and energy in this way. Dawn saw a much calmer Tuvok emerge from deep meditation with a purpose. He would tell Harry how he felt. He would ask Harry to consider moving their relationship to a more personal level. He would tell Harry he loved him. --- Harry smiled when Tuvok entered sickbay at the end of his bridge duty. Tom Paris looked up inquiringly, raising an eyebrow at Tuvok's presence, but said nothing. Tuvok went over to Harry's bed, and stood opposite Tom, wanting to be alone with Harry but not knowing how to get rid of the Pilot. "Ensign Kim. I trust you have recovered from your injuries?" Harry gave a small laugh. "Well - I feel like an elephant has been tap dancing on my spine, but there's no lasting damage." Tuvok raised an eyebrow. "If you are indeed familiar with that particular sensation, I am not surprised you have made such a speedy recovery. Clearly you have a stalwart constitution." Harry grinned. He then looked over at his friend and nodded towards the door. "I'll see you later, Tom." Tom Paris opened his mouth to make a sarcastic comment about being dismissed in this fashion, caught a look at Harry's expression, and clearly thought better of it. "Okay, Harry. I'll talk to you when you're out of here." When the Pilot had left, Harry turned again to Tuvok. "Thanks for coming to see me, Tuvok. I'm sorry I missed our game." Tuvok looked down at the younger man, expressionless. "There will be other opportunities to play Kal-toh." Harry looked at him searchingly for a moment, and then nodded. "I hope so. Tuvok - is everything okay between us? For a while there . . . " There could be no better opportunity to say what he had to. "Ensign. . . ." Harry interrupted. "You *can* call me Harry, Tuvok. That's what friends do, after all." When Tuvok hesitated, Harry continued. "We *are* friends, aren't we?" Tuvok nodded. "Yes." Harry smiled again. "I'm glad to hear it. I figured you must have heard the rumours about us and that was why you started avoiding me." Harry flushed slightly. "Rumours?" The Ensign looked a little unsure at Tuvok's apparent ignorance. "I've heard a couple of people talking, Tuvok, and I figured you'd heard it too. People are just bored, that's all.  They see two crew members spending time together and they think it's some romance or something. That's why I was so determined to continue seeing you - you got me kind of mad when you just shut off our friendship completely and refused to discuss it at all." Tuvok was completely still. Outwardly, his indifferent expression gave no indication of the turmoil he was feeling inside. "That is why you enlisted in the security training?" Harry nodded and continued on, blithely unaware of Tuvok's pain. "I was planning on doing it later this year anyway. I just pushed the timetable forward a bit. I wanted to show you that if we still spent time together people would eventually give up on the gossip and move on to something else. But you wouldn't give me a chance to explain." He was cold. The environmental controls in sickbay were turned down at least 3.2 degrees cooler than the temperature in the rest of the ship. "I see. When you have fully recovered, we can continue your training." Harry was frowning now, aware that he had somehow overstepped the boundaries again. "Tuvok? *Are* we okay? I really like being friends with you, and I don't want to give that up." He looked so concerned, lying there. Tuvok looked at him with his usual emotionless expression. "You are imagining conflict where there is none, Ensign. We will continue our game of Kal-toh when you have fully recovered. I would suggest that you use your time in recuperation wisely. You have yet to learn how to use the T'Hahn to your advantage when your opponent appears to have the advantage on the board. I will look forward to your improved skills when you return to duty." Harry grinned at him, about to reply when Johnson from Stellar Cartography walked in to sickbay. The young crewman practically bounded over to the bed, leaning over to kiss Harry thoroughly right in front of Tuvok. Harry was flushed and obviously embarrassed when they were done, but he was smiling gently. "Tuvok - you know Marty Johnson, don't you?" The young crewman smiled up at him briefly, but his attention was clearly on Harry. Tuvok made the appropriate reply, and departed sickbay as soon as he could. Johnson was obviously more interested in kissing Harry than he was in engaging a senior officer in conversation, and Harry appeared to have no complaint. Upon reaching his quarters, Tuvok engaged the privacy lock and made his usual preparations for meditation. It took several deep breaths before he could begin. "Where there is no emotion, there can be no pain. Deconstruct the emotion . . . " -- ~ And a rock feels no pain ~ ~ And an island never cries. ~ --- continued in the second story in the Simon and Garfunkel series 'My Heart Belongs to Me'