The BLTS Archive - The Belated Universe:
Rain
by Tracy Thurman (TTHUR20385@aol.com)

---

Author's Note: This story was inspired by two wonderful stories,
Michele Masterson's "Belated" and August's "Almost Kathryn", with the
author's permission. I will admit it, I'm a sap, and wanted a happy
ending. I just hope I did justice to the stories mentioned above.
While it may not be strictly necessary to read the other two stories
before you read mine, I do suggest you read them at some point since
they are both so good. Thanks to Annick, Mary and Lynn for comments
and suggestions. Auntie A, I have tucked in all my commas, I promise!
Since it's almost Thanksgiving, here's something about counting your
blessings.

Feedback (please?)

Voyager and her crew belong to Paramount. I'm just borrowing them for
a time. No profit was, or ever will be made on this.

---

"Captain, Kathryn, please come with us, you shouldn't be alone right
now." B'Elanna put an arm around her as she spoke, attempting to
provide some comfort. People were moving away from the gravesite
little by little, but Kathryn had remained in front of the coffin,
weeping openly. It alarmed B'Elanna to see Janeway, one of the
strongest people she'd ever known, break down like this.

"No, really B'Elanna, you and Tom go ahead. I'll be fine. I just need
a moment..." Her voice broke again, and she ducked her head, patting
B'Elanna on the arm at the same time.

Pulling Kathryn a little closer, B'Elanna looked with some desperation
over her bent head at Tom. Catching the look, he gave her a short nod
of understanding and moved in to touch Janeway's arm.

"Yeah, really, Captain. Listen, everyone is coming over to our house
for a while. "We've got some food prepared," his voice higher on the
last words as if coaxing a child. "You'd feel better if you ate
something. Besides, it looks like it's going to rain."

Dabbing her eyes, Janeway nearly smiled. "Tom, thank you, really, but
no. I don't think I'd be very good company right now. I'll just stay a
few more minutes and then go home."

Shrugging slightly at B'Elanna, Tom took hold of one of Kathryn's
hands. "Just promise me, if you change your mind you'll come, okay?"

Squeezing his hand, Kathryn nodded. "Okay. I promise," but they both
knew she wouldn't. They reluctantly said their good-byes, and Tom put
an arm around his wife and led her away.

As they got nearly half way up the hill, B'Elanna turned to look back.
Neelix's grave was in a small valley near a large pond. His dying wish
was to be buried near water, the substance he'd valued most on his
home world. He would rest forever in this picturesque setting, under
the soil of a planet thousands of light years from his home. Feeling
her throat tighten and her vision blur, B'Elanna wondered if she were
more moved by that thought or by the sight of Kathryn Janeway, one
hand on the casket, grieving alone by his grave.

"Tom, she's taking this really hard. We just can't leave her here."

"I know, but she said she wants to be alone. What are we going to do?
Force ourselves on her?" Seeing the distress on her face, he added,
"Tell you what, we'll give her a couple of hours and then call her
house, okay?"

"Dammit, Tom, he should be here. Where the hell is he? She *needs*
him!"

"I don't know. Wasn't he contacted about Neelix's death like the rest
of us?"

"Yes, and I sent him a note myself, just to make sure he'd be here. I
know his home planet is a long way from here, but he had plenty of
time to make arrangements..."

"Aah, look, not to worry, the cavalry has arrived."

B'Elanna turned to see a figure descending the hill on the opposite
side, heading straight for Kathryn.

Smiling in spite of herself, B'Elanna murmured, "Well, it's about damn
time." She watched as he walked right up behind Kathryn and without
hesitation wrapped his arms around her.

That did it. B'Elanna tried to choke back a small sob, but it escaped
anyway, along with the tears that slid slowly down her face. Turning
back to Tom, she slipped her arms around his waist and finally let
herself cry.

"Hey!" Tom pulled her closer and buried his face in her hair. "You all
right?"

"No," she snuffled against his chest, But I will be. Now."

---

Kathryn wondered if she might have some psychic ability she wasn't
aware of. She didn't hear anyone approach, but when the arms slid
around her, pulling her back against a very solid form, she was not
only not the least bit surprised, she knew exactly who it was.

She dabbed hurriedly at her nose and eyes, trying to gain some
composure, and then allowed herself to lean back against him, head
falling back against his chest, her hands wrapped around his forearms.
He leaned his head forward and gently caressed her cheek with his.

"We'll never see him again." She could barely speak the words.

"He's free now." The vibration of his voice warmed her cheek. "No more
sickness, no more pain. He's with all the people he loved. The minute
his soul left his body he was well and whole again and reunited with
all of them. His beloved Alixia, the rest of his sisters, his parents,
and the friends he left on Talax. And he's..." He let his words trail
off into silence.

"And he's with Kes. That's what you were going to say, wasn't it?"

He remained silent so she added, "He said he wasn't sure he believed
in all of that anymore."

"I do."

"Mmm."

He was silent for a moment, then, "He'll live on in all of us. In the
memories and experiences of every crew member of Voyager."

"Oh, Chakotay, I never should have done it. When he and Kes came to me
at the beginning and wanted to come with us, I should have turned them
down flat."

"Kathryn, how could you have foreseen what happened? None of us knows
what the future holds."

"But they'd both be alive now if they hadn't come with us. Neelix
wanted so badly to see Earth, because *WE* called it home. He was so
happy, so fascinated with Earth. Then a simple virus that would barely
affect you or me brings him down. He just wasted away in front of our
eyes, despite modern medicine."

"But he never complained, never wished his time with us away."

"No, he tried to put a cheerful face on things all the way to the
end." At that her face crumpled and she began to cry again. He turned
her in his arms, enveloping her in a bear hug, simply letting her cry.
Rocking her gently to and fro, he made soft shushing noises, stroking
her hair until she quieted.

After a time she fished in her coat pocket for a tissue, but could
only produce a few rather soggy, crumpled specimens. Taking her hand,
he placed a clean linen handkerchief in it. "Here. I think you need
this more than I do."

She huffed out a soft laugh and began to unfold it. "Thanks. Don't
know what I'd do without you." She dabbed at her eyes, and at his
insistence, blew her nose. Grimacing, she commented "Don't think you
want this back right now. Stuffing it in her pocket, she promised him
she'd clean it and get back to him.

"No problem. I know where to find you." That earned him another watery
smile.

Clearing her throat she observed, "Didn't think you were the type to
carry one of those."

He smiled. "It came with the suit." She knew he was kidding, but just
then noticed the formal suit he was wearing and realized she'd never
seen him dressed that way.

She ran a hand over her hair. "I must look a fright."

"You look beautiful. A little soggy, but beautiful." Again another
soft huff of laughter.

She caught the slightly surprised look on his face when she put her
arms around him again, burrowing into his chest, content to just stand
silently in his embrace.

After quite some time she murmured, "I've missed you a lot, you know."

His arms tightened around her and he smiled into her hair. "I've
missed you, too."

"I tried to contact you several times, but I just couldn't find you.
You just seemed to disappear."

"I know. I'm sorry"

"Were you able to find any of the Maquis?

Silence for a time, then, "No. Not one."

"Mmm. I'm sorry."

They again stood silently for a time, just holding each other, until
she felt Chakotay raise his head. "We should get inside somewhere,
it's starting to rain."

She pushed back out of his embrace and raised her face and then her
hands to the sky. It had begun to rain lightly but steadily. She saw
the surprise on his face when she laughed out loud.

"What?"

"He'd just love this." At his quizzical look she said, "Neelix. One of
the things he found fascinating about Earth was the fact that it
rained. 'A planet where water just falls from the sky must be a
wondrous thing,' he told me once." She laughed again. "How perfect
that it should rain right now."

Chakotay smiled and raised his face to the rain as well. "Good-bye,
old friend", he said softly. He turned to face Kathryn again, and held
his hand out to her. She reached out for it without hesitation, and
they began to climb the hill.

---

His breathing changed and she awoke, wondering where she was for a
second before remembering. She had come with him to check into his
hotel, and he had invited her up for coffee. She sat on his couch as
he unpacked and they chatted as she watched him move around the room.

He had asked about Tuvok's absence that day and she had explained that
the Ponn Farr Tuvok had gone through shortly after they returned home
had resulted in a very unexpected pregnancy. Tuvok's wife, T'Pel, was
in the late stages now, and it had been difficult for her. She was
bedridden and Tuvok felt he needed to stay by her side.

"Well," Chakotay mused, "He and Neelix were never very close."

"Oh, he sent a taped eulogy for the crew. He said some very nice
things about Neelix."

"Gracious of him." She wasn't sure if she heard the note of irony in
his voice or not.

She tried to ask about his search for the remaining Maquis members,
but she could tell he really didn't want to discuss it, so she let the
subject drop.

He told her of going back to his home planet, how he had been shocked
at the devastation, and had spent several weeks working in the relief
effort, working most of the day, then falling into bed at night,
exhausted.

The coffee led to wine, and they discussed ordering dinner, but he had
joined her on the couch by then. They had removed their shoes and had
their feet up on the coffee table, so neither one really wanted to
move.

"By the way," Kathryn murmured. "I was supposed to tell you, Tom and
B'Elanna were hosting a get-together at their house for everyone who
attended the funeral."

Chakotay looked at her with heavy eyes. "Do you want to go?"

"Not really. I don't feel much like being sociable. Don't let me stop
you, though. I know they'd love to see you."

"No. I'm happy just to sit here with you. Besides, I don't think I
could get up from this sofa right now for anything."

She chuckled softly. "Neither could I."

They talked a bit more, but the silences between them grew longer and
longer until they both drifted off to sleep.

In her sleep her head had rolled one way, and his the other, so she
awoke nearly forehead to forehead with him. The vague thought that she
should move was disregarded almost instantly. Instead, she sat quietly
just watching him sleep, then raised her hand to gently touch his
cheek.

He awoke at her touch with a sigh. They sleepily regarded each other
for a few moments, until it was the most natural thing in the world to
lean in toward him and...

"Kathryn," he put his hand on her arm to stop her.

Drawing in a sharp breath, she rose immediately from the couch and ran
a hand over her hair.

"Gods, Chakotay, I'm sorry."

He stood up but made no move toward her. Instead he jammed his hands
in his pockets and shook his head. "No, it's all right, really."

"I should go."

He made no comment at that.

She turned to face him and at that moment realization took hold. After
all the time since they'd been home, all the confusion, all the time
trying to adjust, she knew right then exactly what she wanted. She
wanted him. She was going to do it, going to settle down, and finally
let herself be with him. The knowledge was such a relief she nearly
laughed out loud.

"Chakotay, listen to me.." She once again moved in toward him, not
really intending to embrace him, just wanting to make contact to
emphasize her words, but when she did, he actually took a step back
and once again stopped her with a hand on her arm. The look on his
face clearly said "no".

All he said was, "Kathryn," but she suddenly realized what he meant,
suddenly *got it* and immediately backed up. She felt as if she'd been
slapped.

She turned and stumbled for the door, barely hearing his voice calling
to her, "Kathryn, no, wait!" She slapped her hand against the door
panel, just wanting to get out of there, but he was immediately behind
her hitting the panel again to keep the door closed. She actually
fought him for a moment before quieting. She stood facing the door
with his hands on her upper arms from behind. "Let me go, Chakotay."

He shook her a little. "No. Listen to me, Kathryn, it's not what you
think..."

"Isn't it?" She cursed herself for the way her voice broke. "I think
it's exactly what I think. I waited too long, didn't I? It's too late
now."

"Kathryn..."

She turned to look at him. "Chakotay, listen to me, I don't know if
you'll believe me after all this time, but I really do love you."

He was silent for a moment, breaking eye contact with her and suddenly
finding something on the floor very interesting. "Thank you"

"Thank you?" She actually felt herself smile humorlessly at that.
"Thank you?" She shook her head and turned to go. Once again, as soon
as her hand hit the door release his was closing it again. "Dammit,
Chakotay, you've made your feelings very clear. Just let me go."

"Not yet. Not until we discuss this." His voice was very close to her
ear.

"We don't *need*? to discuss this. I apologize if I made you
uncomfortable. I should have realized you didn't feel like that about
me anymore....."

He forced her to turn around but she refused to look up at him.
"Kathryn Janeway, I will *always* feel "that way" about you, until the
day I draw my last breath--and probably for a damn sight longer than
that."

She looked up at him then. "Then, what....?"

"Kathryn," He cupped her face in one hand. "You can't know, can't
realize, how much I've wanted this, but..."

"But what?"

"Kathryn, as much as I'd like to...," he paused looking for the right
word, "...follow through with this, " this said very carefully, "When
we finally...finally...."

"Follow through?" She suggested dryly.

He huffed out a short laugh. "Yes, 'follow through', when we finally
do that, I want it to be because you really want to be with me. I want
it to be because you've reconciled all your 'parameters' between us,
not because....." He fell silent again.

"Not because what?"

"Kathryn, you've had a very emotional day, it would be completely
understandable for you to turn to someone..."

"Oh, so you think I'm throwing myself at you because I'm upset about
Neelix?" She didn't know whether to laugh or look for something to
throw at him.

"What kind of friend would I be if I took advantage of you when
you're..."

"...In my weakened, irrational state? You're rejecting me for my own
good? Gods, Chakotay, if today has taught me anything, it's taught me
the value of those I care about. It's taught me that life is short and
I should remember that tomorrow is promised to no one. It's taught me
that I can't keep pushing my feelings for you into tomorrow, putting
them on hold, in my belief that 'someday' it will all work out. Well,
'someday' may never arrive and I can't bear the thought that I'd have
to say good-bye to you like I said good-bye to Neelix today without
ever telling you how much you mean to me. Does that sound rational
enough to you?"

She'd grabbed his upper arms and said all the words right into his
face, so she saw the way his expression changed very clearly. After a
moment he smiled and nodded and she felt his hands on her waist,
pulling her to him. He held her very tightly for a long moment, then
pulled back a little to cup her face in his hands.

"Kathryn," His voice broke on the words as his mouth closed over hers.

---

Once again she awoke in his hotel room. This time in his bed, feeling
his arms around her from behind. He was breathing softly in his sleep,
his face in her hair, and she smiled in the darkness. She could still
feel the touch of his hands and mouth all over her, still smell his
scent on her and she stretched contentedly. She had cried when they
finally made love, out of joy and out of sorrow, but then so did he.

After a moment she realized what had awakened her. It had begun to
rain again. She could hear it beating against the windows and on the
roof. There was some sort of light outside their window and she
watched the illuminated raindrops run in rivulets down the glass. The
rain itself was something of a miracle to her. Every time she heard
it, it only punctuated the fact that they were actually home.

Once again she thought of Neelix, and immediately felt her throat
tighten and her eyes fill. Someone at the funeral, Susan Nicoletti
maybe, had told her that during the time the "37's" had been on board,
during the time the crew had the option to leave and settle on a
planet, Neelix had been overheard stating his reason for staying was
that the captain "needed" him. He would never know how true that
statement was. He was always looking out for her, trying to find ways
to make life better, easier, for her.

While she had truly been grief-stricken at Neelix's loss, she knew
there were other reasons she had been so emotional today. All the time
in the Delta quadrant she had held to the belief that once they got
home, once they got back to the Alpha quadrant, all would be well,
everything would be resolved. Instead, it all seemed to be slipping
through her fingers.

First there had been Harry's disappearance.

Just the thought of him stranded God-knows-where without the rest of
them, never having ever seen his parents again, just about killed her.
It just seemed too cruel. The grief she felt for his loss was
palpable. It was strange to have become the one back on Earth
wondering where someone was, instead of the other way around, and she
suddenly thought of her mother and Phoebe, and realized she had gone
too long without contacting them.

Then Seven had simply left, leaving word with no one. Kathryn had felt
so betrayed by that. She had done everything to help Seven
"assimilate" with humans, but perhaps Seven had been beyond her reach
in ways she never understood. Despite her attempts to track her down,
she'd never been able to find a trace of her, and she worried how
Seven was faring on her own.

Shortly after they arrived home, she had spearheaded a plan for a
memorial plaque at Star Fleet headquarters for those crew members who
would never return from the Delta quadrant. She truly took every loss
personally. For every crew member that had died before they found
their way home she knew a personal failure, knew there was a part of
her left behind with each one of them.

She had fought to get Kes's name added to the list. Star Fleet
initially wanted only 'Fleet people on the plaque, but she had argued
that Kes and Neelix (whose name was going to be added to that plaque
if it was the last thing she did) were valuable crew members whose
contribution to their life in the Delta quadrant and their eventual
homecoming could not be denied. She got her way.

She did not want Harry's name added to that plaque, not yet. It seemed
too much like giving up on him.

And she had nearly lost Chakotay. He had not attended the dedication
ceremony. He had already begun his search for any surviving Maquis
that might be remaining after the war with the Dominion. But he sent
no word, didn't try to contact her, and that had hurt. B'Elanna had
known where to find him, while she had been searching for him futiley.

She thanked every power in the universe that she'd been given a second
chance.

Chakotay chose that moment to pull her a little closer to him in his
sleep, and she smiled as she sniffled and wiped her eyes. Of all the
people that had come and gone in her life, all the people she'd loved,
he had truly become her other half, her destiny, the love of her life,
as grandiose as that might sound. She turned her head slightly and
kissed the arm that he had draped over her, pulling him closer. She
felt her eyes fill up again and cleared her throat softly. Gods, she
just couldn't seem to stop weeping today.

She thought of all the people she had loved and lost in her life, and
she realized that during the time of her worst crisis, she had truly
been blessed. All the people she had come to know and love on Voyager
were people she would never have come to know in quite the same way
had they not been thrown together in the Delta quadrant.

She rose quietly and went to the window, sliding it back to let the
damp air into the room, her skin feeling the chill in the absence of
his warmth. He reached for her as she slid back into bed,
automatically pulling her back to his side. "Wherejugo?" He mumbled,
still half asleep.

She rubbed her face against his arm affectionately. "I just went to
open the window. Go back to sleep."

He heard her sniffle and murmured, "You okay?"

Once again, she smiled in the darkness and nestled a little closer to
him. "Mmm. I just wanted to listen to the rain."

---

The End