The BLTS Archive - A Fight Worth Fighting
fifth in the Dark Waters series
by Sileya (sileyathesultry@gmail.com)

---

Spoilers: None.

Disclaimers: Paramount is God, we are prostrate before the altar, all
we borrow is yours, and we gain nothing from it. Amen. This story
contains descriptions of relations between men which some people may
find (ahem) objectionable. If that's the case, then don't read this
story. But I think you'll regret missing it.

Archiving: Anywhere, just keep disclaimers and my name on it. Thanks.

Author's Notes: The "Dark Waters" saga was started after a request for
Tu/C material by Callie. She requested "A serious Tu/C with plot." I
have to admit that this fits.

This is part five. You really need to read the first four parts.
This won't make much sense to you if you don't.

Warnings: Angst and anger issues, references to borderline
non-consensual and violent sexual situations.

Recognition to: Wildcat, who beta'd the first two parts of this
series, way back when. Hope ya still love me, WC.

Special Thanks:

To the Fuh-Q list - you all keep my sanity intact (despite the deluge
of Sentinel smarm), especially Pam, the Feedback Queen, who gives SUCH
great feedback she's made me a feedback whore.

Also to Greywolf, who was dear enough to beta this section for me and
help with the intricacies of Vulcan intimacy.

To all those who have sent incredible feedback: Kiff Scott, Katisha,
Charlene, Jenn (who said "If you don't own the crown for angst, it
should be handed over immediately."), Leone and many others.

Also to Jill Smith, who made me take a another look at where I am
going with this. Sincerely, thank you. It still may not be your cup of
tea, but I appreciated your comments.

You know what finally did it? The Buffy/Angel Love Theme. Listen to
it. It's heartbreaking.

Finally:

Thank you, Lorre. You startled me out of a nearing rut with your
wrenching "One is Lonely." So I wrote Seven into this, although not in
a manner you would write her. Please keep writing.

---

"We have much to discuss." Tuvok begins.

Chakotay straightens his shoulders, eyes studying the Vulcan for a
moment before a defensive mask falls over his features. "I can think
of something to better fill our time..." he suggests, eyes turning
into a veiled leer.

"I will not be manipulated any longer." Tuvok replies firmly.

Chakotay's features transform sharply. "What do you mean...
manipulated?"

"You have taken advantage of me since this...relationship... began."

"Tuvok, I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Then we should resume your counseling sessions. You have regressed
into disruptive behavior."

"I've been on my best behavior while on duty!" Chakotay asserts,
trying to side step the issue.

"I am not referring to your on duty behavior." Tuvok answers evenly.

In seconds, Chakotay reddens, and his face sets into a dark facade,
one Tuvok instantly recognizes. He barely braces himself before
Chakotay moves across the space quickly, forcing Tuvok into the wall
with a hard thump. "Just what do you mean, then?"

Tuvok returns his stare impassively, struggling to maintain his calm.

Chakotay shakes him impatiently against the wall. "Answer me, damnit!"

Tuvok takes a breath, and jerks his arms free of Chakotay's hold,
pulling away from the wall and walking into the cabin, hoping it will
be enough.

Chakotay growls and stalks after him, muttering. "What the hell..." he
grabs Tuvok's arm violently...

and is shocked when he is next looking up at Tuvok from the floor,
holding his very sore jaw.

"Tuvok?" Chakotay's incredulity fills his voice. Tuvok takes a silent
steadying breath - the Vulcan had never lifted a hand against Chakotay
before.

"I will no longer be manipulated by you." Tuvok answers, albeit
roughly, a catch breaking his voice.

Chakotay takes some breaths, trying to gather his wits. "Tuvok, I
don't know...I don't manipulate you..."

"Chakotay, you do."

Chakotay stares at Tuvok for long moments, their eyes warring with one
another, remaining anger and guilt clouding Chakotay's dark eyes. "I'm
cured, damnit," he finally grinds out as he stands.

"Of depression, yes. Of oppression, no."

"Oppression? Who the hell do you think you are?" Chakotay spits.

Tuvok moves forward, standing in Chakotay's personal space, nearing
butting chests, voice raised. "I am the one who broke you out of your
cycle of self-pity. I am the one who tried to help you. I am your
lover. I am your whipping boy. I am your conscience. And I am
merciless."

Chakotay stares at him, eyes flared wide. Tuvok continues, voice
dropping. "I am the one who loved you when you needed to be loved. I
am the one who accepted you when you needed to be accepted. I am the
one who put up with your temper and your infidelity. I am the one you
abuse."

Chakotay takes a swift breath to object.

"Do not demur." Tuvok says harshly.

Chakotay's jaw snaps shut, and Tuvok takes a step away to better look
him in the eye as he finally says what needs to be said.

"You said you wanted me. You said you needed me. I, in turn, needed to
be wanted and needed. And you abuse that. Over and over." Tuvok's
voice falls to a near whisper, his eyes focused on Chakotay, not
letting the other man look away. "You /will/ see what you have done."

Chakotay sits down hard on the edge of the couch, looking up at Tuvok.
"I do need you." he whispers.

"So I first believed. But not now." Tuvok replies. "You want me. You
do not /need/ me." he emphasizes.

Chakotay looks up at him. "How can you make that decision? You're not
in my head!" he stands anxiously as he nearly shouts.

"I have been in your head." Tuvok answers, fighting the urge to raise
his voice as well. "It is not...a pleasant sight." he shakes his head
as he pauses, attempting to regain composure. "I have tried to help
you. And in doing that I abandoned all I respected about myself."

"Tuvok - " Chakotay finally breaks in, standing and moving toward him.
"You know how much you've come to mean to me. You KNOW that. I would
never have recovered without your help." he smiles softly, his head
shaking only slightly, eyes softening. "I've wanted and needed you for
so long."

Tuvok falters in his forward motion of thought as his eyes match
Chakotay's, the sharp pain slashing through his midsection too much to
ignore. "You do not need me. You want...lust for me." he responds,
voice weaker.

"Tuvok...of course I lust after you. You're quite a man. If you
weren't Vulcan, and previously married, most of the crew would have
ben all over you long, long ago." Chakotay replies smoothly, moving
closer.

Tuvok takes a breath, shaking his head. "Unfounded. You knew me in the
Maquis. It set a precedent. The others..." his jumbled thoughts
threaten to overwhelm his reserve.

"Tuvok, the others don't matter." Chakotay's voice softens and
deepens, the soothing quality smoothing across Tuvok's wounded psyche.
"You matter. You matter to me. That's what counts." he finally reaches
out and lightly touches Tuvok's arm.

Tuvok looks down at the hand, emotion barely leaking through his
troubled eyes as he answers gruffly. "I want to believe you."

Chakotay takes a breath, studying Tuvok for a moment before
continuing. "Tuvok...I've had time to think about it, I've been
spending time with other crew - and they just don't measure up...I
think I love you. No - I know it. I do love you."

Tuvok's eyes widen as his stomach clenches and he loses control of his
fear.

"Tuvok?" Chakotay questions softly.

Tuvok's voice emerges strangled. "Computer. End program."

The room blinks away to the blank walls of the holodeck. Tuvok,
drained, leans against the wall, face clenched in indecision.

"I have to do this...I must do this. I must. I must." Tuvok murmurs,
repeating it over and over. "I am Tuvok. I am worthy of respect. I am
Tuvok. I am myself. I do not need him..." his voice cracking, Tuvok
stammers to a stop, arms wrapping around his midsection as he slides
down the wall.

"I am Vulcan. I do not need. I do not need. I do not need." he
whispers, ignoring the lie. He just sits there, face clenched,
whispering.

---

The crunching impact of his back slamming against the wall resounds
heavily through the room's darkness.

Chakotay wheezes, trying to catch his breath as he peers cautiously
across the dimly lit area to the tall figure highlighted by scattered
starlight.

"That was not an appropriate course of action." The firm voice echoes
through the empty, still room.

Chakotay leans against the wall, keeping his distance. His mind spins,
and he feels dizzy, as if he's snapping out of a dream. He takes a
breath to reply.

"I..apologize. It was forward of me." he says slowly, as if his
actions are only now sinking in.

He blinks and looks up. "I'm sorry, Seven."

She steps forward, blonde hair curling over one shoulder, staring him
down, considering his sincerity. "I did not anticipate such a maneuver
on your part when you invited me to dine with you. I feel it was
inappropriate." Seven answers in her even voice. She looks at him full
on.

Chakotay nods. "Yes, I see that now." he shakes his head, trying to
clear it. "I wish I knew what I was thinking."

"Perhaps you wished a little 'action' - I believe that is how Tom
Paris refers to sexual intercourse." Seven replies cooly, eyebrow
arching in unconscious imitation of her Vulcan mentor as she notes his
obvious arousal.

"Seven, you're a lovely woman. Of course I wished a little 'action.' "
Chakotay answers, still standing against the wall, although his hands
stray down to shield his groin from her eyes.

"The data do not add up," Seven replies. "Your wish is inappropriate.
You are currently involved in a sexual relationship with Tuvok."

Chakotay goes totally still, and it seems to him as if his pounding
heartbeat fills the room with its bellow. "Wha...what?" he rasps,
astounded.

Seven reaches up to curl her hair back into its normal twist, still
watching the man leaning away from her. "Is that not accurate?"

"Ah..I suppose it is...but how do you know that?" Chakotay demands,
stunned by her knowledge of his relationship with Tuvok.

"It is evident to those who know Tuvok." Seven replies as she inserts
hairpins into the mass of ivory strands.

She turns a cold look on Chakotay, speaking her thoughts aloud with
little regard for tact. "I take exception to the fact that you do not
honor your commitment to him."

Chakotay doesn't answer, words and arguments rushing through his mind
at light speed...none of them good enough as his gut clenches at the
cold look Seven levels on him. He slides slowly down the wall in the
face of Seven's accusation. Finally he murmurs, "I didn't realize..."

Seven interprets Chakotay's answer as a snub toward the Vulcan she
respects. "I will not accept that. I believe you are lying. You sought
to find your own pleasure outside an established relationship. I
believe it is called an affair? Two-timing?" Seven recites, as if
reading from a computer screen.

"I wonder why you felt the need to pursue another. I would prize such
a relationship with Tuvok. He is a good man. How you can seek to throw
that away is beyond my understanding. Granted, I am still learning
about human behavior..." she trails off, noticing that Chakotay has
covered his face with his hands.

With no other words she walks out of his quarters, her steps
determined.

Chakotay remains sitting on the floor for long, long moments, Seven's
words, the words no one else had dared speak aloud, cutting into him
deeply.

The past few weeks replay in his squeezed-shut eyes, the time he spent
with Tuvok passing without note, the moment of initial triumph and
smugness settling into a feeling of bored edginess. Chakotay shudders,
remembering with sickening clarity as he dismissed Tuvok over and over
for the company of others, and then the times he ruled over Tuvok's
own time with a manipulative fist.

A dark, crabby voice echoes from deep within, "He is yours...do as you
wish with him. Why give meaning to feelings he professes against?"

An even voice replies, twisting his gut painfully. "No one deserves
such treatment...except perhaps yourself."

Chakotay sits, silent tears running down his face as he attempts to
qualify or excuse his behavior...but the darkness has fled in the face
of Seven's flat-out accusations, and embarrassment, humiliation and
degradation have taken up residence in the place of false pride.

"What have I done?" he asks himself, dawning horror consuming him.
"I..took advantage...I got too comfortable. I thought he'd never leave
me...as long as I told him what he needed to hear..."

Face contorting in pain at what he has become, at what he has done to
the man he loved and lusted after for so long...Chakotay curls into a
ball on the floor, the aching wracking his frame. "I lost control...I
lost control...I abused what I wanted the most..." his eyes moving
dazedly across the room.

Then he realizes his own words. "Loved...lusted..."...all past tense.
Past. Done. He had gotten what he wanted and then walked away.
Emotionally. He had found healing and then threw it away with
contempt, making no recompense.

A jarring, coarse laugh of derision spills from him as he recognizes
the contemptible character inside himself. "Once I got what I
wanted...I didn't need him anymore..."

Shaking his head in denial, Chakotay speaks aloud, hoping the sound of
his voice would convince him of what his mind was trying to tell him.
"You're not like that. You're not. You're a warm, caring,
compassionate man who would never take advantage of someone's
feelings. I don't abuse people."

His voice grows weaker at each statement as their sharp edges cut his
ego clean open, revealing what he concealed from himself for so long,
hoping if he ignored his actions - that he had sold himself out - he
wouldn't notice. Wouldn't have to answer for it.

One word stands out as he searches back, trying to understand how he
had...gotten better...by getting worse. "Why?"

Familiar faces loom in his vision, censoring voices asking the same
question.

The Captain on the Bridge..."Why have you hurt my best friend?"

Seven standing over him in the darkness..."Why do you not honor your
commitment?"

B'Elanna in Engineering..."What were you thinking?"

The Doctor in Sickbay..."You obviously cannot handle the emotional
commitment of a relationship."

Then finally one calm voice, exuding only the briefest hint of a
plaintive request, "Why?" asks a ghostly Tuvok.

"Because I could." Chakotay whispers aloud into the oppressive
silence. When no further torment comes, he just lies there, silent
tears of confusion making trails down his cheeks.

---

"Tuvok? What are you doing here?"

Chakotay's surprised voice echoes in the emptiness of the Holodeck.

"I was ordered to meet the Captain here." Tuvok replied evenly.

Chakotay nods. "So was I. I guess the Captain thinks we need to talk."
he shrugs and turns to leave.

"And you do not." A statement, not a question.

Chakotay turns back to the Vulcan, face reddening slightly. "What
difference will it make now?" Saying aloud the conclusion they had
both come to silently.

Tuvok just watches him, not answering or prompting. Although Chakotay
would not be able to tell, curls of dread are twisting in Tuvok's
stomach, and he struggles to conceal it.

Chakotay fights with the inevitability of what is going to happen.
"Look - Tuvok. I know...I know I've been shitty to you. Beyond shitty.
Hell, I should be spaced. But I can't change it." he turns to face the
door, but doesn't move further, taking a deeper breath.

Tuvok stands absolutely still - afraid the slightest sound might close
Chakotay off.

Chakotay continues dully. "I know I have taken advantage of you in the
past. I can't apologize, so I won't try." his wooden voice continues.

"I see now that I can't be in a relationship. I'll...some part of me
will try to destroy it, turn it to my own uses and then drop it." he
shrugs, not looking at Tuvok.

The beat of Tuvok's heart sounds heavy in his ears as he analyzes
Chakotay's words - and he is surprised to feel a flare of anger. Anger
that Chakotay is giving up so easily after all he has endured - and
inflicted. Angry that this is ending before he can...exact some sort
of penance. Not revenge, Tuvok tells himself, but some sign that
Chakotay understands who and what he has become.

"So it ends here." Tuvok grates lowly, angry that Chakotay cannot say
even that.

Chakotay only shrugs again. "I've lost the respect of my Captain, my
crewmates, my lover and myself. I see no reason for anything to
continue. Ever..." he voice ends on a whisper. "I will only hurt
someone else."

"And if that someone else loves you?" Tuvok asks, voice lingering
softly.

Chakotay's eyes narrow, and he tilts his head disbelievingly. "You
don't love me, Tuvok." he says in full confidence.

Tuvok nods. "True. I do not. But I have come to depend upon your
attention. That in itself is as crippling as love can be."

Chakotay closes his eyes, a rough bark of a laugh erupting from him.
"Only a Vulcan would describe love as crippling."

Tuvok raises an eyebrow. "Is it not? Love - or perceived love - will
cause you self-doubt. It causes second thoughts. It causes one to
debase oneself for another, in any number of ways. It makes someone
else more important than yourself." he ends quietly.

"So all this means?" Chakotay replies.

Tuvok takes a slight breath. "You cannot truly love another unless you
are secure enough in yourself to accept their love in return."

Chakotay shakes his head. "This isn't about love, Tuvok. We aren't
about love..."

Tuvok nearly cuts him off with his strong statement. "No. We are about
respect... "

"...And the lack of it." the Vulcan finishes quietly.

Chakotay's face falls, his gut empty and painful. "I know what I did
to you was wrong, Tuvok. I admit it."

Tuvok stills, eyes narrowing, waiting, wondering if this will finally
lead to THE end...or another dead end.

"I..had a run-in with Seven. She really respects you. And she made me
see that you deserve respect...and more than I can give you. I thought
about all the times I'd dragged you to things, or took you from your
friends, just for me. Because I could..." he murmurs, voice rising
throughout, "Because I could!" he cries painfully. "How do you think
that makes me feel? I'm of a proud race of men who have no problems -
not mental, not emotional - and I'm a damn mess!" he stops, looking up
to the dark man opposite him. "And I made you one as well."

Tuvok cannot reply, his breath seeming gone. He tries to accept the
words Chakotay offers, finally hearing what he needed Chakotay to say
- to admit. He just nods his head in assent.

"You said you needed me - my attentions...why? How?" Chakotay asks.
Tuvok flinches.

Chakotay continues, without letting him answer. "And if you did...why
aren't you hurting like I am?" his selfish words lash out at the
Vulcan. There is a pause...

"I am." Tuvok answers at a bare whisper.

Chakotay blinks and looks to Tuvok. "What did you say?"

Tuvok's jaw shifts. "I said, 'I am' - Vulcans have emotions, as well
you know. We suppress them as we see logical." Tuvok takes refuge in
childhood mantra, screening out the curling pain and realized fear of
abandonment.

"Tuvok, how can you recover, just like that? How can you go from being
a mess to being all together? I don't understand - and it's not fair!"

"What do you want me to say, Chakotay? I do hurt. I am a mess. I am
not recovered. Do those statements energize you? Do those admissions
from me make you feel better?"

"No! I want to see you fall apart - as everyone has seen me!"
Chakotay's voice is thick with pain.

Tuvok answers before Chakotay's words are even finished. "It is
already done. Have you not seen? Everyone knows we are involved in a
relationship of sorts. It is common knowledge that it is painful." his
mouth curls. "You cannot appreciate how humiliating it is to a Vulcan
to be the center of such conjectures."

"Then someone is just as humiliated as I am! Good!" Chakotay yells.

Tuvok shakes his head, suddenly weary, Chakotay's actions and
sentiments suddenly striking him as childish. He feels lighter, and
takes a deep breath, somehow centered with one realization.

"It's not good to hurt one another." he replies evenly, tucking away
his own pain for another time, feeling the depth of Chakotay's
subjugation to pain pulling them both to further ruination.

Chakotay swallows, somehow struck by Tuvok's same thought, that he
sounds terribly childish. "I...I'm sorry, Tuvok. I'm just so angry.
And upset. And worthless. I should just do my job and leave everyone
alone."

"That was why you required counseling in the beginning, Chakotay. You
gave up. You 'stewed' - for lack of a better word. Before you had
buried lusts to bring you back. What will do it now? What is more
primal? Violence?" Tuvok speaks quickly, wary of an lashing out from
the man hurting in front of him.

Chakotay just shakes his head. Crossing his arms futilely, as is to
protect himself, Chakotay answers weakly, "I know I have disrespected
you. That's why this should end. I don't deserve your respect or your
company."

"How can I even breathe?"

Tuvok takes him by the shoulders. "Chakotay - life is always worth
living. Even if one is alone." he tries to catch Chakotay's eyes.

"Here? Among the people who have seen me suffer an emotional
breakdown? Who will never trust me again - in work, in life..."
Chakotay shakes his head.

Tuvok steps away, separating himself from the turmoil of emotion
coursing through Chakotay's veins like rain to the river. "It is up to
you to make it a life worth living."

Chakotay's wounded eyes look up. "And that was the decision you made?"
his voice is harsh.

Tuvok nods. "It is the decision I am making /now/." He lets remain
unsaid all the obvious details - the pain, the dependence, the
emotional suckering - all the reasons their fledgling relationship ran
terribly awry.

"And if I give up? If no one wants me?" Chakotay is already
withdrawing into himself.

Tuvok strides forward to grasp Chakotay's arm yet again, nearly
desperate to make the man see the whole point of his problem, as if
touch would help him communicate instantly and end all the confusion.
"It will not always be that way." he asserts.

Chakotay blinks, confusion reigning through his dismal thoughts.
"But...we're over..."

"Not us, Chakotay. I think we both know that it is not to be." Tuvok
shakes his head. "You need to see that perhaps someone else..."

Chakotay cuts him off, throwing off Tuvok's hand with mad furor.
"There will be no one else! I destroy people - I nearly destroyed you!
A Vulcan! How can I do that again? How can I even think it? How can I
even fight for a chance with someone else?"

"Because it is a fight worth fighting!" the Vulcan thunders, loosing
all the worry and pain into those few words.

"Not anymore! Not for me!" Chakotay nearly yells, painfully, "This
damn life - the mess I've made of it - is not worth it..." he yelps in
surprise as he hits the floor in reaction to Tuvok's fist connecting
with his jaw. Wide-eyed, Chakotay looks up at the dark man standing
above him.

"Life is ALWAYS worth living, Chakotay." Tuvok answers evenly, resolve
set. Knowing he can start living again, he can't bring himself to
leave Chakotay behind.

Chakotay shakes his head as he stands. Just as quickly, with economy
of motion and steadfastness of belief, Tuvok knocks him back down.

"You must be willing to fight for it, Chakotay."

Chakotay stands again, backing away. "Fight for what?" he answers,
voice growing angry...and an even angrier cry echoes off the walls
when his feet are swept from under him, and he hits the ground again,
harder this time - his face growing ruddy with internalized rage.

Tuvok looms over him in a fighting stance, voice deadly even. "Fight
for your self-respect. Fight for your happiness. Fight for your chance
to live.

"And live the life worth living."

---

The two men circle each other, only some three to four feet apart.
Only the slightest hum of technology surrounds them in the empty
holodeck, the grid walls boxing them in. Footfalls on the floor echo
audibly as soles meet decking, but their concentration is on one
another as each heavy huff of breath seems loud.

Chakotay favors his right side, having taken vicious kicks in the
ribs, and one eye is nearly swollen...Tuvok limps slightly to the
left, blood darkly trails down the side of his face from his temple,
torn by knuckle and nail.

The bent of their bodies is at once hostile and wary, Chakotay more
the former, Tuvok the latter - but both are tiring. Chakotay swipes at
the sweat coursing down his cheek, and Tuvok takes advantage of the
movement, quickly lunging in with a fist to Chakotay's jaw, which
cracks upon impact.

Chakotay bobs backward, away from Tuvok's range, yet within a breath's
time turns closer, using momentum to power a solid kick to Tuvok's
side.

Tuvok grunts, bending over to absorb the pain, still able to catch
Chakotay's arm and fist when they approach swiftly. He twists
Chakotay's wrist cruelly, protecting himself as he regains his
balance.

Moving with the pain, Chakotay squats down, just in time to avoid a
swinging hack from Tuvok's left..he jerks on his own arm but cannot
free it.

Tuvok kicks Chakotay's feet from under him and the heavier man hits
the floor lightly on his ass just as Tuvok releases him. Taking a
swift breath, Chakotay pulls his knees to his chest and springs
forward, hands fore and ready.

Tuvok also regroups, hands up to guard himself. And they begin to
circle again, watching each other for the least weakness.

Another round of flurried movements passes, both men grunting in pain
and gasping for breath as they continue yet to circle like wounded
predators. And then the taunting begins.

---

"Why shouldn't you be angry, Tuvok? I took advantage of your nature
AND your body." Chakotay prowls about the Vulcan, self-loathing
thickening as he seeks to deflect something - anything - off on the
Vulcan.

Tuvok stands silently, struggling against fatigue and the stress of
exhibiting such angry emotions.

"I /used/ you, Tuvok. USED your body for my own pleasure. Violently -
repeatedly...and I gave you so little in return. So little."

Tuvok watches him move, then answers quietly. "I asked for nothing."

"You SHOULD have, damnit! You should have! You have rights! A right to
love, a right to pleasure..." Chakotay rages, hands balled in fists
waving in front of him, until Tuvok cuts him off quietly.

"A right to self-respect?"

Chakotay stops still, breaths tearing through his throat, hands
falling loose. He becomes aware of the damage - physical and emotional
- they have wrought upon one another. He shivers as sweat trickles
down his back under his tank top. Finally, he nods. "Yes, of course.
You have a right to self-respect."

"Then why don't /you/?" Tuvok replies so simply, so quietly.

The silence in the holodeck becomes oppressive as Chakotay stubbornly
tries to figure out how he got backed into this corner. "That's not
what I meant."

Tuvok shakes his head, knowing this will be the final straw. Chakotay
will either make the choice to live...or merely exist...based on this
decision. "You have a right to self-respect."

Chakotay fumes. "I did things...terrible things..."

Tuvok continues to repeat himself, quietly, evenly. "You have a right
to self-respect."

"DAMN YOU!" Chakotay nearly screams, reaching out to pummel the man
who seems bent on making him forgive himself.

Tuvok bends with the blow, but does not fall. He pauses, letting the
echo of Chakotay's angry cry fill their ears, then straightens. He
waits, watching Chakotay's breathing slow.

Tuvok considers what he could do to Chakotay at this point. He could
easily destroy him altogether. He could debase him as he himself had
been humiliated. He could dismiss him and walk away.

But he knows he cannot. Despite the agony of being ignored, of being
used - Chakotay /was/ there at a time when he needed someone. And so
he could not leave the man alone now.

So Tuvok speaks again.

"I forgive you."

..........

..........

..........

Seconds pass into minutes as they stand and breathe, a war for
Chakotay's psyche waging inside his eyes. Finally, he blinks, and
looks up.

He stands in front of Tuvok, arms hanging. He looks up at the Vulcan,
searching his eyes for some clue - some enlightenment. After more long
moments of silent contemplation, Chakotay backs away slowly.

He draws a shuddering breath. "I don't deserve your forgiveness. But
if you can give it, after all I've done...perhaps I can work on
forgiving myself."

With that, Chakotay scoops up his discarded uniform jacket and leaves,
the hydraulic swoosh of the doors closing filling Tuvok's ears, gut
and heart with an odd emptiness.

---
Captain's Personal Log, Stardate 03302000.0234


I'm not sure what happened that night. Perhaps I shouldn't have
interfered. But something had to give. Since then the Doctor has
administered and cleared both psych reviews. I'm still not sure if I'm
relieved.

I've spoken with Tuvok, and although he claims nothing happened, I can
tell he was affected by whatever attachment he formed with Chakotay.
He won't speak about it, and I won't ask him to. He was never friends
with Chakotay, and I suspect he never will be, but he does subtly
support him now, perhaps in ways none of the other crew notice. But
I've noticed.

Tuvok is spending more time with Seven now. That pleases me. They both
speak a language not many of the rest of us comprehend for any length
of time, and they make a pretty couple.

Chakotay returned to duty, after he somehow managed to center himself.
He's more introspective than when I first met him, and seems to be
comfortable with a daily rhythm. Where he was once cold to Tuvok, or
even openly hostile, there is a quiet acceptance of sorts. It took
awhile for the crew to warm up to him again, but he plays pool in
Sandrine's a few times a week now, and always draws a crowd when he
tells stories.

Of all people, Chakotay seems to be spending time with Sam Wildman,
and Naomi. Especially Naomi. Treats her like glass, and Naomi takes
advantage of it every time she can. For some reason, that strikes me
as a good thing.

End log.

---

End -- Dark Waters series