The BLTS Archive - Who Counsels the Counselor? first in the Dark Waters series by Sileya (sileyathesultry@gmail.com) --- Spoilers: Parallax, Prime Factors, State of Flux, Maneuvers, Resolutions, Basics pt. 1, Basics pt. 2, Nemesis Disclaimers: Paramount is God, we are prostrate before the altar, all we borrow is yours, and we gain nothing from it. Amen. This story contains descriptions of relations between men which some people may find (ahem) objectionable. If that's the case, then don't read this story. But I think you'll regret missing it. Archiving: Anywhere, just keep disclaimers and my name on it. Thanks. Author's Note: Callie requested "A serious Tu/C with plot." Here it is. This is the first section of "Dark Waters"...it will be continued. Warnings: Angst and anger issues, borderline non-consensual and violent sexual situations. Thanks: To the "Delta Blues - Jim Wright's Voyager Reviews" site - http://www.treknews.com/deltablues - and to "Star Trek Voyager Reviews" by Julia Houston http://members.aol.com/Homespon/bloodfe.html Thanks also to Wildcat for beta reading. She's my fellow Vulcan sex monger. --- The angry hiss of a furious Captain fills the bridge, not that the object of her ire notices. Backs stiffen and eyes snap to the front view screen, and even the helmsman, normally a smartass himself, stays utterly silent. "Commander Chakotay." her steely voice grates, annoyance obvious. Chakotay finally blinks from his brooding stare at the PADD in his hand to glance up and answer shortly, "Is there something you need, Captain?" Even Tuvok's eyes register some surprise at the barely concealed annoyance audible in Chakotay's reply. Kathryn's jaw sets just so, and she stands, the fire spitting in her eyes. "In my ready room, Mister." she answers in precise, deadly even low tones. The rest of the bridge stands in embarrassed silence: Harry Kim turns to reconfigure some sensors so that he can keep his back to the scene, Tom Paris busily programs minute course corrections, the Ensign at OPS just bows her head in silence. Only Tuvok openly watches the scene from his stance above the Captain's chair. Kathryn stands, arms crossing, as her glare impels Chakotay to move. His own jaw shifts, and he looks down at the PADD in his hand before minutely nodding, standing, and walking off the bridge. The Captain follows after announcing, "Mr. Tuvok, you have the Bridge." Tuvok's "Aye, Captain," is lost in the sound of the electronic hydraulics which close the door after her. A deep breath of relief is taken in unison by the entire bridge crew. Tuvok notes the obvious decline in tension and he begins issuing instructions to start again on the survey initially ordered by the Captain. His thoughts stray to the impenetrable door which blocks Chakotay and Kathryn from view.... "Chakotay, sit down..." Kathryn begins. "I prefer to stand," Chakotay cuts her off. As she walks around the desk, Kathryn's chin snaps around to him. "I said, sit down. You're not going anywhere for awhile." her tone brooks no argument. Chakotay sits hard, the impact on the seat in front of her desk a soft thump. "Let me cut straight to the point. You are out of line. I realize you're dealing with many issues right now. personal issues. But you cannot let that interfere with your duties. I'm fed up with it, and I will not allow it to continue any further. Your absent-mindedness and short temper are infecting all the duty crew." Kathryn pauses to let this sink in. Chakotay stares at some point on her shoulder. "Captain, I am fully aware of my duties and do not see how..." "For three weeks running, I've had to pull eight tasks and projects from you to give to other personnel. That's very unlike you. From the very beginning you've been reliable. It's been a difficult task making this crew mesh, and we've been through hell...but it would not have been possible without you." Kathryn's voice softens a bit as she goes on, the censure disappearing. "I cannot imagine what you must be having to deal with right now. Considering all the history before we came to the Delta quadrant, and now all this with Seska and the Kazons. And you've never asked for anything. No help, no consideration." Chakotay winces. "Captain, if I've let you down..." "Yes. You have." Kathryn answers abruptly. Chakotay looks up, face stony, but eyes stricken. "I understand. Am I to be relieved of duty?" Kathryn's eyes meet his. "Yes. I am relieving you of duty as of now, for an undetermined length of time." she replies. Chakotay noticeably pales. "Aye, Captain." Kathryn sighs. "Chakotay, you are perhaps in the worst position of all of us. You've served as our impromptu counselor, and with your rank, I'm sure you are short on confidantes." Chakotay doesn't answer, his gaze having fallen to the clenched hands in his lap. "I want you to have a psychiatric evaluation by the EMH, and then attend counseling sessions. You have to work through your issues before you can return to duty. Not only are you causing problems for yourself, but you are causing problems for others." she finishes softly, watching for a reaction from the strong, proud man. A few silent moments pass before Chakotay answers. "And who will serve as the Counselor?" "I've heard that Kes is a very good listener..." Chakotay cuts her off with a derisive snort, and Kathryn blinks in surprise. "I'm sure she's a very nice listener, Captain. But I will not talk about the rigors and traumas of my life - much less my sex life - with a two year old." he frowns heavily. Kathryn narrows her eyes, and then folds her hands on the desk in front of her. "Then I will assign Tuvok to serve as your counselor." Chakotay glances up, some anger spilling over his composure. "I don't get along with Commander Tuvok." he grates, angry memories flashing through his mind... (flash) "Torres should be charged for the assault." Tuvok asserts. "Both crews are having a hard time adjusting, Mr. Tuvok. I will handle this." Chakotay responds as they walk through the corridor at a swift clip. "In my position as Chief of Security, it is my responsibility.." Tuvok begins, but Chakotay cuts him off sharply. "I said that I'll handle it, Mr. Tuvok. B'Elanna Torres is my responsibility, and she will not be charged at this time..." (flash) The command crew sits about the table in the conference room, discussing options for the retrieval of the transporter technology from Seska and the Kazons. After some minutes of proposing options, through which he tries to forget how Seska so easily manipulated him, Tuvok suggests, rather inappropriately considering the forum, that Chakotay use his "intimate knowledge of Seska to manipulate her, much as she has been manipulating us." Chakotay's anger flares, but he settles for giving Tuvok a deadly stare... "Chakotay, I just think you should know." B'Elanna insists. "B'Elanna, what's done is done." he replies. "Tuvok wanted to leave you there. Let you die. He argued against going back for you. You'd better watch your back." Chakotay considers the Vulcan who has challenged him at every turn, B'Elanna shaking her head... (end flash) Chakotay shakes his head angrily, clearing the reverie. Kathryn leans forward, eyes steely. "You are out of choices, Mister. At least Tuvok will afford you the...respect...you desire. Whether you deserve it or not." she bites off coldly. "You will report to counseling sessions in the side office off Sickbay at 1400 hours tomorrow afternoon. End of discussion." she finishes. Chakotay's back straightens noticeably, but he knows better than to protest. "Very well." he murmurs through clenched teeth. Kathryn's eyes, which Chakotay will not meet, finally melt and fill with pain and sincere longing to ease his inner demons. "Your psych evaluation will be at 0800 tomorrow morning. I advise that you return to your quarters now and spend some time gathering yourself." she speaks softly, and stands, knowing that he will not participate further in the meeting. "Dismissed." Chakotay stands, nods once to her, only briefly meeting her eyes, and walks swiftly out the door. The door to the Captain's ready room slides open and the quiet conversation falls silent. Tuvok watches as a slightly flushed Chakotay walks out the door and through the bridge, entering the turbolift and disappearing from view. Before the door to the ready room shuts, Tuvok catches a glimpse of Kathryn sitting down hard behind her desk, an anxious expression in place. Tom and Harry look to one another, silently communicating about Chakotay's flight through the bridge. Their unspoken words are interrupted as Tuvok's comm badge is activated. "Mr. Tuvok, I'd like to speak to you in my ready room." The Captain's voice fills the bridge. Tuvok activates his badge. "On my way, Captain." He steps away from his station, walking down the ramp. "Lt. Paris, you have the bridge." Tom grins. "Aye aye, Commander." Tuvok steps through the door, waiting for the portal to close before he steps further. "Come in and sit down, Tuvok." Kathryn says, standing at the replicator, pulling a cup of coffee from it. Tuvok does so silently, sitting on the edge of the chair, back straight, hands folded, waiting. His eyes study her carefully, recognizing slight signs of tension, courtesy of his long time of service with her. Kathryn sits back down, easily comfortable in Tuvok's company, and pinches the bridge of her nose. "Tuvok, I'm afraid I've created a difficult task for you." Tuvok raises an eyebrow. "Is that so?" his mind latches onto the only possibility, considering the events of the last hour. She sighs. "I'm assigning you as Chakotay's counselor." she nods as Tuvok's second eyebrow joins his first. "He isn't comfortable talking with Kes. I know you two don't get along, but at least you're an `adult'." she sips her coffee. "You know as well as I do that he has many issues to work out, not the least of which is the continual tension between the two of you. It will have to be addressed, right off, I'm certain." Tuvok just nods, and allows Kathryn to continue, while inside he begins some vague planning, drawing upon his years of experience. Kathryn leans back in her chair, spinning it just slightly from right to left, teacup paused before her lips and saucer held above her lap. "He has his own latent misgivings about Starfleet to work through, as well as his belief in the Maquis. All those problems were buried by necessity and Seska's betrayal - I'm sure - brought it all to the surface again." she glances to Tuvok. "Everyone knows they were intimate. That made it much worse for him when Seska left us, and then when she came back with the tale of his son...it humiliated him." she tilts her head up to look at the deck above her. "I wouldn't even hazard a guess at the stress levels his psych evaluation will show." Tuvok nods again, eyes darkening as he wrestles with how to handle this. His own hands tighten ever so slightly about each other, and his jaw tenses as he begins to calculate all the variables involved. Kathryn notices his pause in attention for inner reverie. Unoffended, she qualifies, "Tuvok, we all need Chakotay. Not just because he is the First Officer. But because so many of the crew - Starfleet AND Maquis, look to him for strength and guidance. It will hurt us all if he can no longer function as a member of the command crew. But it will hurt us more if he cannot function at all." Tuvok meets her eyes, and nods once more, although his eyes betray the challenge he is facing. "I understand, Captain." Kathryn nods, slowly, eyes displaying her concern and understanding for the difficulty of this undertaking. "Let me know if you need anything. Time off for extra sessions, holodeck time...I want you to put this high on your priority list. We'll have dinner tonight and rearrange the duty schedule to accommodate the changes." "Of course." Tuvok replies, standing, his hands clasping automatically behind his back as he moves. Kathryn nods, sipping her coffee again. "Dismissed." She speaks again just before he triggers the door. "Tuvok -" He turns to look at her, eyebrow cocking just a bit. "Thanks." she murmurs, a slight smile of resigned anxiousness reigning. Tuvok nods once, the most fleeting vestige of a comforting smile hovering over one corner of his mouth for a slight moment, and then he departs, the door sliding quickly behind him. The bridge once again falls silent as Tuvok retakes his post, assuming command from Lt. Paris. Tuvok spends the rest of his shift working efficiently, though detached - his mind on the large task looming in front of him. When his shift ends, he repairs immediately to his quarters to meditate and plan. --- The EMH groans silently once more, casting an annoyed look at his equally annoyed patient, jabbing a button on the PADD for the umpteenth time that morning. "Look, Doctor. I see no point in completing this...joke of an evaluation. These questions are pointless!" Chakotay announces, anger clearly guiding his comments. His face is flushed dark with his embarrassment at being there in the first place, and his entire carriage is faintly antagonistic. He keeps glancing over the Doc's console, staring at the soundproof door leading out to the main Sickbay area. The Holodoc crosses his arms and looks pointedly at Chakotay. "If you'd have answered the questions as I went along, rather than complaining and dallying, we would have finished over an hour ago." he points out caustically, make more notations on his PADD. Chakotay sighs aloud and relaxes back down, his eyes still hostile and pained. "Go on with your questions, Doctor. Let's get this over with." For the next hour, the Doctor poses all manner of questions to Chakotay, making notes in the PADD as he goes along. Chakotay answers them absently until a certain selection of questions, those concerning his sexual health, come up. "When was the last time you participated in heterosexual intercourse?" the Doctor poses, as if asking about the weather... (flash) The slim Bajoran woman shifts in his arms, her flesh still slick with sweat and juices. "Oh, lover. You should go native on me more often." Seska remarks lightly, her voice melodious and warm. Chakotay's laugh rumbles out of his chest softly as he squeezes her lightly, one arm about her waist. He stretches his legs out on the narrow bunk of mussed gray bedclothes. "And here I thought you liked the tender side of me." Seska chuckles, hand straying down to grasp his softened cock. "Oh yes..the tender side, the hard side..all sides." Her mouth reaches up to his hungrily just as a harsh beep invades their tryst. "Chakotay here." he answers. "Hogan here. B'Elanna is aboard, and we're ready to go. She wants to know if we'll be close enough to the Badlands to hide if something goes wrong with our plan." Chakotay sighs, loosening his grip on Seska. She growls disappointedly, climbing out of the bunk to pull on a brown caftan. "That's affirmative, Hogan. I'll be on the bridge in ten minutes. Chakotay out." Seska swings about slowly, hands working her loose and tumbled hair into a braid. "That's all for today, I suppose." Chakotay shrugs, sitting up in the bunk. "There's always later, Seska." Seska's eyes harden, but Chakotay turns away to get dressed. She turns and walks out... (flash) Chakotay sits on the edge of the tub, feet dangling in the water, eyes intent on Kathryn's form only feet away. "I take it you approve of my work today." he murmurs. Kathryn smiles. "I adore it. You've made this place comfortable." Chakotay slides into the water, still wearing his shorts. He slides across the water to her. "We're going to be here the rest of our lives, most likely. I want us to be comfortable." he approaches her, her eyes alluring, her hair down and curling about her neck and shoulders in the damp air. "Is that all you want, Chakotay?" Kathryn murmurs as he is only inches away, his lips moving toward hers. SPLASH!!! A monkey jumps into the tub, and Chakotay pulls away in reaction. Kathryn grasps the side of the tub, ready to jump and run, and the moment is lost... (end flash) Chakotay glowers. "I haven't counted the days." he grumbles. The Doctor fixes him with a stern look. "Estimate, then." Chakotay looks at the floor. "Two years." he murmurs. The Doc makes a notation. "When was the last time you participated in homosexual intercourse?" Chakotay glares. "Estimate?" he parrots angrily... (flash) Heavy breathing fills the office, gasping echoing off the walls. Two men grapple in the starlight from the view port, their skin sweaty. The Spacedock is visible through the viewport, its lights blinking brightly against the black of space. The wiry man gasps, his arms wrapping about Chakotay's neck, his legs wrapping about Chakotay's hips. He moans wildly and gasps aloud as Chakotay's hard cock impales him. Chakotay grits his teeth as he pummels the other man's ass, moving him to the desk. He sets the man on the edge and begins reaming him in earnest, the wanting and tension showing in his face. The other man cries out harshly, his own cock splurting come between their chests, coating them, dripping down over Chakotay's pistoning cock. Faster and harder he pushes, finally coming with a low roar of possession, ramming into the other man, finding his release... (flash) "Tuvok." Chakotay tells himself, watching across the darkened cargo bay of the Maquis hideout. "Spirits. He's...powerful - so alluring." The dark Maquis stands across the bay. Chakotay is hidden in shadow, his eyes devouring the slim figure. Tuvok shrugs out of a long jacket, and proceeds to strip down slowly, kicking off heavy boots, followed by a heavy sweater. Down to his trousers, and an undershirt, leaving his wiry form dark in the dim light. Chakotay thoughtlessly licks his lips, letting out a pent-up breath, about to step from the shadows when he kneels down to meditate. "Damn." Chakotay curses, wanting Tuvok's body for himself, but leery to interrupt a Vulcan's concentration on meditation. Chakotay watches, burning...imagining...knowing a quest of his own for the peace of meditation would be wasted... (end flash) The Doc waves a hand, answering cheerfully. "An estimate is sufficient for these purposes." Chakotay swallows his pride. "Three and a half years." The Doctor makes another note. "When was the last time you participated in self-stimulation and masturbation?" Chakotay flushes deeply. "Are these questions really necessary?" he growls threateningly. "I am designing a model of your entire state of health, Commander, and that includes an adult's sexual health." the Doctor points out... (flash) Chakotay lies in his bed, dozing. He hasn't been able to sleep. Too ashamed, too angry. Everyone has turned against him, he's been relieved of duty, he's failed Voyager. His mind wanders, and he strokes himself absently, his cock half-soft. "I can't believe Kathryn is making me talk to Tuvok. After all that's happened between us." His mind passes through images of conversations with the Vulcan, and his cock hardens. He begins to stroke in earnest, remembering the time he caught Tuvok leaving the gym, attired in clinging shorts and a regulation tank top. His cock jerks painfully, his gut reacting, and his strokes grow desperate. "He betrayed me...but he was just doing his job...I want him. His strength, his honesty. I need him." Harsh gasps fill the room. "I want to punish him...I want him to want me, despite that damn logic...I want...I want..." he thinks, the visual images of memory filling his mind... (flash) Chakotay and Tuvok toss crates and boxes out of the cargo hold, throwing them out the hatch into the docking bay. They'd shed their shirts some time ago, the Maquis bay a warm temperature even for the Vulcan. Chakotay watches the muscles in Tuvok's arms clench, the strong digits of his hand clutching the heavy crates, the shift of his hard legs. He wipes the sweat from his upper lip, eyes dilating, cock hardening, as he pauses to watch the dark man work, a sheen of perspiration covering his hairless chest. Tuvok glances up, and catches the look of hunger in Chakotay's eyes. He pauses, holding a crate loosely against one hip, his eyes meeting Chakotay's directly. Chakotay swallows, the spark of their eyes meeting echoing through his cock. His mind flies into overdrive. Had he his way... Tuvok hits the bulkhead, belly first, Chakotay hard behind him. His trousers are torn down, Chakotay's hands ruthless and pushing. Tuvok gasps silently, his dark hands gripping the bulkhead beam as Chakotay pulls open his own trousers hastily, loosing his rampant cock. Chakotay pushes Tuvok's back down, forcing him to bend over, and Tuvok slides down the bulkhead, breaths coming harder as Chakotay's hand reaches round his trim body to clutch his own hard, black cock. Tuvok groans aloud as Chakotay pushes into him dry, he shifts his weight to encourage its brutal entrance. Chakotay growls and pushes his way in, driving into the Vulcan's ass, pulling out and ramming right back in, creating a frenzied dance as Tuvok pushes himself away from the bulkhead, impaling himself on Chakotay's cock. After only a few harsh minutes, their breaths heavy, they come to mutual blows, Chakotay's cock in Tuvok's ass, Tuvok's cock in Chakotay's hand, and they both grunt, burying their triumphant cries of orgasm behind clenched teeth as they come... ...had he his way...Chakotay blinks, breaking eye contact, and Tuvok goes back to pitching crates. He had imagined it. Chakotay groans at the terrible ache of his near-busting cock, but joins Tuvok, wondering how a split- second daydream could be so real... (end flash) Memories swirling, Chakotay cries out in agony as his cock explodes, coating his hand, chest and bedclothes with hot milky strands. He curls up into a ball, his self-humiliation complete... --- Chakotay just closes his eyes and shakes his head. He murmurs something short under his breath. "Five hours. Noted." the Doctor echoes, punching another button. Chakotay glances up with murder in his eyes. "During periods of self-stimulation and masturbation, what visualizations most assist you?" Chakotay almost chokes. "You've got to be kidding." The Doctor just levels an expectant look at Chakotay. Chakotay glares back before finally setting his jaw. "I'm not answering that question." The Doctor raises an eyebrow. "Very well, I shall just mark the "all of the above" selection." Chakotay's eyebrows hit the ceiling. "I didn't realize this was a multiple choice quiz." he grinds out. Folding his hands over the PADD, the Doctor waits expectantly. "Do you care to log an alternate answer?" he asks patiently. Chakotay's eye twitches in anger, and he bites out, "No." somewhat weakly. The Doctor makes a note and moves on, not commenting. "Is your primary sexual preference asexual, unisexual, bisexual, or multisexual?" Chakotay sighs, rubbing at his eyes. "Bisexual." The Doctor jabs at a button. "Is your primary bisexual preference heterosexual or homosexual?" Chakotay stares at the floor, pausing for almost a full minute, prompting the Doctor to look up. Finally, "Homosexual," Chakotay murmurs through his teeth. The Doctor punches a button without comment or pause, and moves on to a series of questions concerning personal hygiene habits. Chakotay flushes a deeper, angry red, and answers in short, clipped tones, but he does answer...and finish the test. The EMH finally nods. "Thank you, Commander Chakotay, you are dismissed. I'm to remind you of your counseling session at 1400 hours. Have a nice lunch." The Doc's multitoned voice follows Chakotay out into the hall as the tortured man leaves without a word. The Doctor watches the man depart with a dissatisfied frown on his face as he reviews the results. Finally he shakes his head and taps his communicator. "Doctor to Captain Janeway..." "Janeway here. Finished with the evaluation?" "Yes, Captain. May I..speak freely?" "Yes, Doctor, I'm alone in my ready room." "Well, Captain, despite his belligerence and embarrassment, he finished the entire evaluation. It took four hours, but he finished it." "I expected that, Doctor. And the results?" "He shows all the signs of repressed anger, guilt and pain, Captain, that a mass murderer - or a disaster survivor - would harbor. He needs help, and quickly. Under other circumstances I would request he be put under house arrest. He's barely stable - and possibly dangerous, should he lose his hold on his control." *pause* "I understand, Doctor. Please remit the your evaluation of the results to Commander Tuvok. He will need to review that data before beginning the counselling session." "Aye, Captain. If I can assist in any way, please let me know." "Of course, Doctor. All I ask for now is that you stay online during the counseling sessions. Just in case." "Aye, Captain. Sickbay out." Kathryn sighs and sits at the view port along the wall, staring out into the stars. "What ravages of spirit...conjure this...temptuous rage..." she murmurs vaguely to herself, recalling the strain of an old, resurrected torch song played in bars around San Francisco while she attended Starfleet Academy. "Created you a monster...broken..." Kathryn frowns, leaning her forehead against the cool plastisteel. "By the rule of...love." she barely whispers, mind grasping at the lyrics which echo through her memories, wondering if Chakotay had ever found someone else. "He deserves someone who will love him - not just be a friend." She sighs and shakes her head, pushing away the old memories, pulling herself back to the present. "I wish I could do something for you, Chakotay. God knows you've been a friend to me." Then she sighs and again and shrugs. "As if we all don't have unresolved problems..." she murmurs as she moves back to her desk to work on fitness reports. --- Tuvok reads silently through the evaluation results, noting little he hadn't already expected. Chakotay's level of anger was, perhaps, unexpected, but it was within controllable limits. Barely. He sets the PADD down on the bare table as Chakotay enters the side office, folding his hands as he issues a composed nod of greeting. Chakotay doesn't nod back, he practically stalks into the room, dragging out the chair and sitting in it hard, back stiff and regulation. "Let's get started. I think we both know this will all be a load of bullshit, so we might as well get it over with. It's certainly a waste of my time, and yours as well. Nothing like a waste of time to mar your efficiency, is there, Tuvok?" Chakotay growls. Tuvok does not answer, leveling a silent gaze at the angry man in front of him, eyes searching to pierce the cloud of darkness and despair literally emanating from Chakotay. To think that a man who in the past counseled others could fall to this attitude... "After all, it's not like you can do me any good. I'm just supposed to spill my guts, right? And then feel better. Well, I think that's idiotic. If I wanted to share my feelings with someone - it wouldn't be you. We've never been friends..." Chakotay snorts, "And I've found it safe to operate on the belief that you have no feelings, so why would you want to hear mine? So you can spout Vulcan philosophy at me? So you can sneer down your repressed, superior nose at me?" Chakotay's voice rises, the disdain for Tuvok clear. Tuvok doesn't so much as twitch during Chakotay's tirade, although his eyes turn from a liquid chocolate to a hard obsidian when the insults begin to fly. A deep sadness fills Tuvok as he regards the hate-consumed man in front of him. "There's nothing anyone can do to 'help' me through this. Least of all you. You'd think the Captain would choose someone I'm at least civil with. I've no reason to speak to you except under command situations. And isn't it funny..." Chakotay's self-derisive, bitter laugh fills the small room. "Now that I've been relieved, you outrank me. Finally. Doesn't it feel good?" he jabs darkly. Tuvok studies Chakotay silently, masking the emotion even in his eyes, remaining a solid sounding board for the tumult of emotions. Even without touching him, without trying, Tuvok can sense and feel the bombardment of negative emotion pouring heavily from Chakotay's singed soul. Chakotay glowers, finally abandoning his tirade. "Well, aren't you going to say anything? Counsel me!" he challenges. Tuvok returns his challenge with a simple look, one of unending patience and belief in the underlying soul. Chakotay mistakes that look, the anger overtaking him once again. He rises quickly. slamming both hands down on the table. "I don't need your pity." he spits at a whisper, then he turns and storms out of the room, full-tilt. Only after Chakotay has been gone for five minutes does Tuvok slightly relax his shoulders. He takes a deep breath, centering himself. The Holodoc sticks his head through the door. "Session over already? How did it go?" Tuvok considers, looking down at the PADD. "It could have been worse." he finally decides. The Doctor hmmmms slightly, eyebrows raising. "And your assessment of his condition? Is it deteriorating?" Tuvok looks up at the Doctor. "It could have been worse." he repeats, a faint tingeing of annoyance tainting his tone. "I must continue my analysis." "Of course." the Doctor comments. "Don't let me stop you." "I will not." Tuvok replies dryly, taking up the PADD and beginning to make notations. The Doc just hmmmms and turns away, walking back into Sickbay. After some time, Tuvok taps his communicator. "Tuvok to Captain Janeway." "Janeway here. How did it go, Tuvok? Awfully short, don't you think?" concern colors her words. Tuvok considers the minutes he sat alone, and decides not to worry the Captain further at this point. "The session was not as productive as it could have been." he allows. "What do you recommend?" Janeway asks. "Further sessions, and increased monitoring. According to sensor logs, Commander Chakotay is spending all his time in his quarters, not even leaving for meals. At this time he does appear to be replicating meals. He refuses calls and comms. This indicates a withdrawal from social situations as well. There are periods of intense violent emotion recorded. Were it not for his heritage, I would speculate that suicidal depression appears imminent," Tuvok details. Janeway replies after a pause of silence over the commlink. "Can you help him, Tuvok?" she asks softly. Tuvok glances at his hands. "I do not know." he finally replies. --- For the next sixty-odd hours he sits in the darkened quarters, the mess about him testament to his released anger. He sits silently, disavowing the angry tears which course down his cheeks. "How can I respect myself? If I know anything about Tuvok, it's that he is sincere. No matter his duty. And I've treated him like shit. I would have never thought I would fall into racism and bigotry..." he whispers, strangled. Chakotay stares out the viewport, and the tears continue to flow... (flash) "Commander, I wish to convey my personal regards for your performance in this crisis." Tuvok says as he falls in step next to Chakotay. Chakotay stops in place, still out of uniform. His eyes widen in obvious surprise. Praise? Coming from his chief competitor? "Crisis? Is that what you're calling this?" Tuvok nods. "I think the appellation is appropriate. Your actions in this case were well-founded. You protected the Captain and you both survived your involuntary marooning on that so-called New Earth." Chakotay studies the Vulcan, cynicism warring with sincerity. "Thank you, I suppose." After looking directly at Tuvok for a silent moment he finally replies softly, before moving to walk down an opposite corridor. "You are welcome." Tuvok replies just as softly before continuing on... (end flash) Chakotay replays so many discussions in his head, the memories flowing over him. "Tuvok has always been honest and blunt," Chakotay grudgingly says aloud, seeking self-catharsis. "He deserves so much more than my scorn. I should have admitted that before now. I've been deliberately blind." Chakotay drops his head onto his knees to continue the ruminations of a torn man. --- Chakotay walks slowly into the side office three days later, appearing calm and composed, though exhausted and wan. His footfalls are quiet, and he pauses before sitting. He nods at Tuvok in greeting, his uniform slipping a bit with obvious weight loss. Tuvok returns the nod, sitting across the table with his hands folded. A PADD sits alone on the bare table. He studies Chakotay's haggard appearance, his eyes sliding up and down his form. Chakotay clears his throat, about to say something, but decides to remain silent, shifting slightly in his seat. An uneasy air fills the room about him, and Tuvok senses the other man's humiliation. Tuvok drops his eyes to give the Commander some room, and waits. Some minutes pass as they both sit there, Chakotay trying to sort out his thoughts from hours upon hours of long thinking, Tuvok reviewing memorized data from the sensor logs in Chakotay's quarters over the last week. Chakotay finally looks up, swallowing. The words emerge rough, as if his throat is worn raw. "I apologize for my temper at the last session." Tuvok glances up, meeting the other man's eyes, and nods. "Apology accepted." He replies softly, his dark voice low and soothing. Chakotay's eyes melt just ever so slightly, and his shoulders relax minutely. He shifts in the chair, suddenly nervous. Tuvok watches his reactions, dispassionate on the outside, roiling in Chakotay's transmitted pain inside, attempting to soften its impact upon himself. Chakotay sits, unable to speak, and suddenly vague memories of a past conversation flood back... (flash) He approaches Tuvok in the mess hall, face set and unreadable, although his carriage is tense. "Are you really that naive? Or was it just me?" Some pain fills his words, pain at the betrayal of not just one, but two spies on his former ship. Tuvok glances up, one eyebrow arching, and astoundingly admits, "Seska 'pulled the wool over my eyes' as well. I would not call you naive." Chakotay scoffs lightly. "Of course not. You'd just call me love-sick and blind. That would never happen to a Vulcan, now would it? So it won't hurt you to cover up my naive actions to make me feel better now." The words spill out, his memory foggy, but he remembers insulting the Vulcan before him. Tuvok straightens and replies, "Vulcans are always honest." Chakotay snaps back, "You lied to me." Tuvok's voice hardens perceptibly. "I was honest within the parameters defined by my mission." Chakotay stiffens and growls, "You damned Vulcans and your damned defined parameters." Tuvok takes it stoically, softening a bit. "Commander Chakotay, you are merely human, but also a competent officer, with adequate judgment. It is my honest estimation that you are not particularly naive." Chakotay flushes, noting the praise even through his burning humiliation at the time, and remembers the rush of relief, knowing that Tuvok had also been fooled by Seska. Tuvok speaks again after a moment of Chakotay's silence. "I do not understand. Why should your mistake, coupled by mine, make you feel better?" Chakotay sighs and chuckles a bit while standing. "Misery loves company, Mr. Tuvok." he replied before departing... (end flash) Chakotay finally takes a breath, shakes his head of the foggy memories, stands, and leaves just as quietly as he arrived. Tuvok watches him depart, his jaw shifting a bit as his mind works to reconcile all this emotion pouring psychically from one man. His eyes fall shut and his head drops, unsure of what to do. He sits silently for over an hour, just thinking, before he rises to make his way to the Bridge, and to the Captain. --- "So you've had two sessions, and we've monitored his quarters for a week now." Kathryn reviews. Tuvok stands to one side, hands clasped behind his back. Kathryn sits on the window seat in her Ready Room. "And he hasn't made any noticeable improvement?" "Captain, only a week has passed. With the depth of his emotional and mental trauma, it will take much more time to see marked change." The Captain sighs, leaning her head back against the window. "I'm sorry, Tuvok, for pushing. I know you're doing what you can." she pauses. "Is there anything the Doctor or I can do to help?" Tuvok shakes his head once. "I have designed some initiatives, Captain. As I said, it will take time. As you said before, this is important. And I will devote the largest part of my time and effort toward it. I assume you will approve any course of action I choose to implement." She nods, eyes darkened. "Thank you, Tuvok." He turns and exits, leaving the Captain to her all too saddened thoughts once again. "You do what you have to do." she murmurs, staring blankly at the door through which Tuvok departed. --- Tuvok walks slowly through the corridors, walking each deck before descending the ladders to the one below. He hands clasped behind his back, his face schooled to impassivity, no one would guess at his inner turmoil. "I am concerned that I will be unable to assist Chakotay in regaining his inner composure and personal honor," echoes the bottom line, as Tuvok pauses beside a small observation lounge. He enters, keys the personal lock, and kneels to meditate. "What of myself can I bring to this to help him? What does he need? Need. Need. Not want. Not desire. Need." Tuvok meditates, focusing on that thought, surveying his accumulated knowledge in order to develop a plan. After some hours, he breaks the trance, stands, and departs. "I must give of myself in order to help him heal himself. He cannot do it alone." --- Sitting in the corner of his room on the floor, Chakotay stares vaguely at the viewport, wondering how he had fallen this far. How he let the anger consume him. How he abandoned the ways of his people, letting physical urges rule his mentality. He doesn't like the man he's become. His hardness, his thoughtlessness. His bitterness. "I'm bitter. That's it. Bitter." He spits the word, then flinches as he recognizes the venom in his voice. Painfully, his mind grapples with the problem through the haze of self-pity and self-hatred, the caring counselor within himself attempting to assuage the wrenching pain. "I've retreated into a shell of violence and hostility to protect myself rather than centering myself and healing my soul..." (flash) Chakotay stands in Sickbay speaking to Kathryn when Neelix enters, with a visitor. "Captain. Ambassador Treen would like a word with the Commander." Chakotay tenses at the sight of the huge, hulking Kradin walking toward him, the fear and loathing coiling in his stomach, his breath catching painfully in his chest. "I wish to tell you how pleased my people are to hear of your recovery," Treen says, his voice exuberant and sincere. "I'm only sorry we weren't able to rescue you sooner from our Nemesis." Chakotay fights with his hate for moments, the look directed at the Kradin one of undisguised hostility. His eyes never leave the Kradin's. "If you'll excuse me, Captain," he says abruptly, then stalks out of Sickbay. "Chakotay?" Janeway calls after the Commander, following him into the corridor. He stops walking and turns half towards her. "I wish it were as easy to stop hating as it was to start," Chakotay says, his soul haunted... (end flash) Chakotay looks up, eyes clearly radiating the wounds to his soul. "I wish it were as easy to stop hating as it was to start." He murmurs, echoing his memories. --- The next day, Chakotay looks up, eyes clearly radiating the wounds to his soul. "I wish it were as easy to stop hating as it was to start," he murmurs, echoing his memories, finally welling up the courage to speak to this man. This man who had betrayed him by doing his duty. This man who is the most centered individual he knows. This man who has taken the time to try and care for him. Chakotay clears his eyes, hoping his vague statement will make amends, unable to say more and keep his dignity. Tuvok sits quietly, and after some moments, nods. "I agree." He replies very quietly, sitting with his hands folded in his lap. Chakotay blinks, taken by surprise. That Tuvok would agree with that..perhaps he is fallible, as well. He searches the Vulcan's still face, waiting for some kind of explanation that doesn't seem to be forthcoming. The two sit silently for several more minutes. Tuvok feels stronger inside, as if Chakotay's admittance vindicated him. Two sessions since Chakotay's apology had been productive, but Chakotay still had not introduced the most important topic: his mental health...until now. Tuvok clears his throat. "Concerning the past, I would propose that our inability to work together harmoniously was not always by fault of your own, but also by my own contribution. And arrogance." Chakotay's eyes widen and his jaw falls slack for a moment before he snaps his mouth shut. He considers for a moment, quelling the urge to make a smart comeback. After a few minutes, he decides to follow Tuvok's example. "I am unable to concentrate long enough to contact my spirit guide. The anger is too much." Chakotay whispers, flushing, humiliated. Tuvok considers this carefully, and allows Chakotay to fall quiet again. After some time, Tuvok decides to broach the wall of silence. "Perhaps if we tried together, you might be able to meditate successfully," Tuvok suggests, almost reluctantly. "I hesitate to invade your privacy." Chakotay remains still, stunned momentarily by the offer. He wonders where this could lead. "Try together?" he asks, curious, the anger draining away for now. Tuvok nods. "I will assist you in calming yourself enough to reach your normal meditative state, if you so desire. It is my belief that the act of meditation itself will be most helpful to you. You were raised, as I was, knowing the importance of centering one's self in times of trial and stress." His head tilted, Chakotay considers seriously. Normally, he meditated alone, preferring no interruption. But he had been unable to calm himself enough to reach his Spirit Guide for too long. As if he'd hit a wall and was unable to find the door. Finally, he decides, ready to take the first step in healing. "Will you help me?" Chakotay looks up and meets Tuvok's eyes directly. Tuvok's eyes warm, the acceptance washing over Chakotay almost tangibly. "Of course." He replies softly. --- continued in the second story in the Dark Waters series 'Melt into Me'