The BLTS Archive - Somewhere by Sigrid (sigridthehaughty@yahoo.com) --- DISCLAIMERS: Standard disclaimers. Voyager and the characters are not mine, but the story is. Do not archive without my permission. SPOILERS: Maneuvers, Investigations, Basics... most Seska eps, excepting Worst Case Scenario. DEDICATED TO: All the wonderful authors out there! WARNING: Just to warn you all, this is actually predominantly a het story, involving two people of opposite genders (eg. male/female pairings) in a relationship. If you are offended by that, please turn away now, or find something more to your liking among all the slash fiction on this site or listed in the links. --- I can't stay long, I can't run the risk of anyone seeing me. The steady stream of visitors have stopped now, I've noticed. More than you would probably have expected. I don't think they believed you were dead. I still can't believe you're dead. You're not supposed to die, Seska. That isn't how the game was supposed to play out. Game. This wasn't a game. Although I was never really sure, with you anyway. Did you think all this was a game? You played with us, sold us out to the Kazon. And before then, in the Maquis... was what you had with Chakotay a game? Was what you had with me just a game? I don't know why I'm really surprised. My relationships with women are usually just that... games. Yeah, I guess there's passion. Sometimes even friendship. But nothing-else. I guess I thought... But maybe you were just that good an actress. I mean, you managed to fool everyone into believing you were Bajoran. You managed to trick Chakotay into letting his guard down for you. He loved you, you know. I think that maybe, somewhere inside, he still does. He still tries to see the Bajoran singer he fell for in a backstreet bar on some dingy planet. And maybe, in his own way, he succeeds, when he closes his eyes. And me? What do I see? Who do I see when I close my eyes. I see you, in the Maquis, and on Voyager. I see you, carrying Chakotay's child. Or Cullah's child. You told me it was my child. My baby you were carrying around. You told me that the same day you told Chakotay it was his baby. I remember the message that you sent, after you had kept him captive. And I remember the other message you sent on engine emissions. Guaranteed that only I would read it. Hell, I taught you that trick. That was something they never taught you at the Obsidian Order. And while everyone-else was helping Chakotay, trying to look after him, be a comfort to him, I was alone, alone with my thoughts, my damn feelings. I was lost. I didn't know what I thought. Memories just kept flooding my mind. The first time you met me, and you swallowed my sob story about why I was on that planet, when you probably knew the truth. The first time we kissed... But it wasn't really love though, was it Seska? I know I'm not the world's most experienced when it comes to love and relationships, but that wasn't love. Not really. Maybe it could have been, it could have turned into love. If things had been how they had seemed. If you were really a Bajoran who had spent her life in the labour camps. If you had really learnt how to sing with an imprisoned Bajoran musician. If you had been honest with us, him, me. Him. Chakotay. He doesn't know I'm here. I wouldn't tell him about us, I wouldn't hurt him like that. I considered it a few times, when it got too much. When *I* needed attention. When *I* needed the offers of sympathy, of understanding. God, I hated him at the beginning. When you first introduced me to him, and then you put your arms around him and you kissed him... it was a physical pain. And then you turned to me, and smiled in that way that had won me over in the first place. It didn't help that he was so damn serene, so understanding. He seemed so *fucking* perfect. Tall, not so much as me, dark, handsome. With a tattoo to match. No wonder you fell for him. Hell, I almost... Yeah, well, anyway. We tried to have a pleasant conversation, but the whole self-defence thing came out in full-force, as per usual. He thought I was an arrogant jerk, and I thought... I thought... He was the luckiest bastard in the universe, is what I thought. And I was jealous. That was nothing I hadn't felt before. It was just the *intensity*. I wanted you. I wanted you with me, not him. And you knew that. You took in everything. You pretended you didn't, but sometimes, I saw you watch us. Me, B'Elanna, Chakotay... you knew all of us. You knew everything, every little *damn* thing. Was that you, or the Obsidian Order that taught you to do that? What was you, Seska? Who were you? And then, a few nights later, when you turned up at my cabin door, and you just kissed me. And you didn't say a word, you just assumed. Because you knew. And then you drew me inside my own cabin. And you sat me down, and you undressed me so slowly. And when I began to protest, you just held me, and kissed the words out of my mouth. You knew, didn't you. That wasn't a question. And then you stole out of my bed, straight into his. I asked the computer for your whereabouts. His cabin. Fair enough, my lips said. My heart was tearing itself to pieces. And you played the part so well, didn't you. Guilt, mingled with longing. You must have been planning every move, yet whenever we were alone, you acted so torn up with guilt and longing, so conflicted... No you weren't. you lied. You knew exactly what you were doing. You were a Cardassian spy, and Cardassians don't do anything without thinking it through first. Everything is planned to the smallest detail. Everything is weighed to your advantage. I don't care what Chakotay says, neither of us had a chance against you. No one on this ship had any hope of seeing through you. You knew us too well. But who knew you, Seska? I mean, *really* knew you? Chakotay? Cullah? Me? Your family? Did you have a family? A mother and father? Maybe two brothers who used to pull your hair? A sister who stole your jewelry? Did you have a favourite toy when you were growing up? Did you have a lover back on Cardassia Prime... who *were* you, Seska? Really? Who were you? I'm not even sure you really knew. You were buried under so many layers of deception, you must have locked yourself away, just so you could play all the parts you had engineered. But were all those, parts of a whole? No, they weren't. You felt nothing for us, not really. Not Chakotay, not me, B'Elanna, the Captain... we were just pawns in your game... That hurts Seska. I'm used to not meaning anything in women's lives. But you made me feel different. At least before, I knew what the score was, I knew what they thought of me. You lied to me. Maybe, in some ways, I lied to you too, but I almost felt like I could open myself up with you. I was almost there. And then I was captured. And prison stopped me from giving you an even bigger hold over me. And look at me. I'm opening myself up to you now. I'm asking you questions I've wanted to ever since I met you in that bar in Falin VII. The questions I stopped myself from asking on the Kazon ship, when I was sent to find out who was helping you. I'm asking them, but I know I won't get any sort of answer. Some things don't change, even in death. You know, I could have loved you, even if I had known you were Cardassian. You're still beautiful, in your own way, when you don't have that knowing look on your face. When I carried you in here after getting the ship back, your hair was over your face. It's straightened up now, I can see your expression. And you look... I'm not sure. I never really was. I had wanted to do that, to see if I could read anything into how you looked. But I guess Chakotay beat me to it. He deserved better, Seska, so much better than what we did to him. So much better than what you did to him. And I'm beginning to realise that I deserved better too. We both deserved better. We both deserved to be loved for who we are, not what we can offer. I'm not sure you would understand that. Love... did it exist in your mind? In your heart? Was sex just something else that could buy you information? I don't know what you hoped to gain from seducing me, Seska? My loyalty? I guess we'll never know. And I guess I'm glad that I was never tested. I remember when the news first came out about you being Cardassian. I laughed it off when Harry told me, but he was deadly serious, and then Chakotay had walked into the bar, and it all came crashing down around me. You, me, us, Chakotay... I couldn't believe it. You were no Cardassian infiltrator. But you were. You played your parts so well, Seska. So well... The chronometer's beeping. I've been here an hour, just trying to find answers from you. I think I've had more luck finding them out from you now, than I ever did when you were alive. I just hope that what we had... I just hope that wasn't love. That thought scares the shit out of me. But I better go, before the Doc or someone sees me here. Goodbye, Seska. I hope you find yourself. Somewhere. --- Continued in 'Circles'