The BLTS Archive - Control second in the Inequality series by Sigrid (sigridthehaughty@yahoo.com) --- DISCLAIMERS: Standard disclaimers. Voyager and the characters are not mine, but the story is. Do not archive without my permission. SPOILERS: Thirty Days, Resolutions (mildly, I changed it a bit. . . okay, a lot. . . ) DEDICATED TO: AbyKitten, for being my greatest net buddy. --- "What is this, Commander?" I smiled. She knew full well what it was. "It's a complaint, against this ship's internment policy." "From whom?" "Me. Tuvok. B'Elanna. Harry." "Regarding?" Oh you have to give her credit. She was still managing to keep her emotions under the surface, despite the fact that one of her senior officers was in the brig for countermanding her orders, and the other four were protesting against her decision. "Lieutenant Paris." "*Ensign* Paris, now, Commander." Stalemate. We stare at each other for a moment. "Would you have treated Harry like this, if he had done the same thing?" "Harry is very unlikely to. . . " "Answer my question, Kathryn." The use of her first name shocks her for a moment. But she doesn't show it for more than a few seconds. "I treated him how I would treat any other member of my crew, for going against my orders. This isn't a democracy, Chakotay. This is a military installation. . . " "We're in the Delta Quadrant, Kathryn. . . " "I'm still in command of this vessel, Commander. I will act how I see fit. . . " There's genuine anger in her eyes. Anger. . . and fear. She thinks she's losing control. Is she losing control? This ship is vital to her being. Commanding the ship gives her a purpose. I'm insinuating that she's losing control. . . and if she does, then she loses everything. I lean forward, resting my hands on her desk. She stands, looking at me straight in the eye. "Why are you doing this, Kathryn? Demoting him? And making him serve thirty days in solitary? It's one or the other, Kathryn. You don't demote someone *and* throw them in the brig. You don't do that in Starfleet, especially not for this type of offence. . . " "He went against my orders Chakotay! He had no right to do that. . . " "Why are you really punishing him, Kathryn? Because he went against your orders, or because of me?" Direct hit. She pulls away from my stare, and turns toward the window. "I don't know what you mean. . . " "You know exactly what I mean, Kathryn." Silence. The air is so heavy in here. I want to move, try and shift the oppressive weight that's settling on my chest, but I can't move. For some reason, in this game we're playing, that would denote weakness. And I'm determined not to do that. Not here. Not now. I can't let her have control. She has had too much control. She turns back toward me. The table separates us, and I straighten. She is unperturbed by the height difference. She always has been. "We could have been good together. We *were* good together, so good. . . " Memories of New Earth flashed through my mind. One night. One damned night of weakness, when friendship looked like it could be more, *should* be more, and it's caused all this. . . "It was one night, Kathryn." "I love you, Chakotay." Her eyes are sad. Oh, Kathryn, why do you do this to yourself? "It wouldn't work, Kathryn. You know why it wouldn't work. . . " "You love me. . . " "I don't love you. . . " "You did that night. . . " "That was one night, Kathryn. Sex. We had sex. It wasn't anything-else." "Because of him?" No need to ask who she's talking about. We both know. "Because of him." She shakes her head. I'm not sure if it's to get rid of the tears in her eyes, or because she just can't get her mind around the concept that I love someone else, other than her. Instead of her. She needs to be in control. And she needs to be in someone's arms. But I can't give her that. Part of me wishes I could. But I can't. She looks away for a second, and then she looks back. Her face a perfect blank mask. And there's something in her eyes. It's not the sadness, the loneliness of a few seconds ago. It was. . . it was. . . "He'll never love you, Chakotay." I'm unprepared for this. "You don't know that. . . " Damn, was that fear colouring my voice? She walks around the table, and I turn to face her, as she lifts her hand up to trace my face. But I don't close my eyes, not like I did on New Earth. Now, I keep them firmly open. "Oh, but I do Chakotay. You can never have him. He'll never want you, not now." She smiles, and it's a smile that doesn't reach her eyes. It fills me with dread, and I don't want to know what she has to say next. But she mesmorises me, she draws me to her. I remain silent. She knows she's caught me now. "'Not now'?" "He'll never want you, not while he's in love with me." I can feel the blood drain out of my face. No, this can't be happening. . . this is some sort of nightmare I'm trapped in. . . "Ah, I see you hadn't guessed. So you see, Chakotay, I'm the only choice you have left. . . " "Do you love him?" She cocks her head, to one side. "Well, I won't deny he's a good lay, his reputation is well deserved, but. . . " Her next words were cut off. Yes, I struck her, on the side of the face. I'm not proud of it, but it was like she wanted that to happen. She was provoking me. She was in control, the whole time. She merely smiles at me, and I see remnants of Seska in my mind. They smile the same way. They provoke me the same way. "Do you really think that's going to make me fall in love with you, Kathryn?" She has no answer. I can see it in her face. She doesn't have an answer she can fully justify to herself. She really doesn't know what she's doing. "I can't have the man I love. Why should you? Is that fair? Why should you and Tom be together, when I have no one, Chakotay?" "But don't you see, Kathryn? I can't love you. . . " "But I love you. . . ." And in her eyes, that's enough. That should be enough for both of us. I can't stay here anymore, all this. . . it just hurts too much. . . "I'm sorry Kathryn. . . " I turn to go. "No, you can't go. . . Chakotay. . . " I shake my head, as I turn back to her. "Not for me, Kathryn. For you. I'm sorry, for you." And then I left. --- continued in the third story in the Inequality series 'Glass'