The BLTS Archive - The Thirty-First Day
first in the Inequality series
by Sigrid (sigridthehaughty@yahoo.com)

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DISCLAIMERS: Standard disclaimers. Voyager and the characters are not
mine, but the story is. Do not archive without my permission.

SPOILERS: Thirty Days, Future's End (mildly)

DEDICATED TO: AbyKitten, for being my greatest net buddy.

NOTE: There are sequels to this story, but they contain a slash
(male/male) element. If you don't like that idea, this story can be
read as a standalone piece. Please consider yourself warned.

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The first time I saw her today, she was in the messhall. I was eating
with B'Elanna, who had practically ordered me out of my cabin tonight.
And I was in no real mood to stay in there, alone. Not after thirty
days in solitary. It brought back too many memories of Auckland. And
that's something I don't want to be reminded of. She shot me an
unreadable look, then went on talking to Tuvok. It was almost as if
nothing had happened.

I'm not sure it did.

B'Elanna was talking to me, chattering about some complex engineering
theory. She's actually considering trying to write a paper on a new
theory she has. Good for her, I silently think, but I joke and say she
can call it B'Elanna warp. She thumps me playfully on the arm, but
then says that's not a bad idea...

Since we broke up, we've managed to talk a lot more. It's ironic, now
we've got all the sexual tension out of the way, we are really good
friends. We kinda lost the friendship when we started having the sex,
but now I don't know what I'd do without her. I love her. Don't get me
wrong, I'm not in love with her. But I do love her.

Sex without the friendship. I did that with you too, didn't I Kathryn?
Or Captain? I can't find it in myself to call her Kathryn. Not
anymore. I never really used to, it was usually Kate, or Katie. Kitten
when I wanted to annoy her. Although I think she did like it. In
return, she called me Puppy. Now that was just plain annoying. But I
loved it. I loved her.

I was actually in love with her though. Not like B'Elanna. At least, I
think it was love. On my part, anyway. I had always had respect for
her, and maybe a little more, since we first met. She saw past the
crap I paraded out in front of everyone. She didn't let herself get
swayed by it either. She stuck to her guns. Gotta respect someone who
knows what she wants.

And you knew what you wanted with me, didn't you Kate?

We'd always flirted, joking on the bridge about why she crawled out of
her bedroom window as a teenager, in a way that Harry would never have
dared to do. Or many others, for that matter. Maybe Chakotay...

Chakotay. He was always an unspoken barrier between us. At least at
the beginning he was. And maybe now. Maybe it's him. Maybe he's the
reason for this... is he Kate? Is Chakotay the reason?

Maybe partly. I never believed her when she said nothing had happened
between them on New Earth, or at any other time. Especially in the
beginning...

The beginning. Beginning, middle, end. Logical sequence of events.
Everything has a beginning. Everything has a middle. Everything has an
end. Why does everything have to have an end? Why does everything have
to end?

Why did we have to end?

Because I said so. I ended this relationship. Not because I wanted to.
Because it needed to end.

Maybe I should start at the beginning. I remember when all this
started, that party after the twentieth century. We were celebrating
another successful mission, and then at the end, it was just me and
you. And we were both a little drunk...

And then we were flirting. Only it went further than on the bridge or
in the meetings. Much further. Because before I knew what the hell we
were doing, we were in bed. Together. Kissing and touching. Having
sex. Making love. Just like that. I don't even remember the in-between
stage. We were suddenly thrust from Lieutenant and Captain to Tom and
Kate. Commanding officer and subordinate to lovers. We missed out the
friendship. But we needed the friendship.

You can't live without the friendship.

That's if you can call us lovers. I remember waking up the next
morning, finding her in my bed. She wasn't even awake, but she looked
so damn beautiful, her hair was spread out over the pillow, I could
feel some of it touching my hand, my shoulder, a strand across my
neck. And I stroked her skin, and kissed her on the forehead. But she
never woke up.

She woke up just as I came out of the shower. She just sat up, frozen,
covering herself up like I hadn't seen her naked before. And the cool
Captain persona was back, and she specifically asked me to not mention
this "inappropriate incident". That was it. Then she left.

And I was an "inappropriate incident".

I swear, I cried. It's not something I'm proud of, but I cried. I
hadn't cried since Caldik Prime. Not sober anyway.

We had a duty shift straight after. There was no usual morning
briefing. Chakotay was on the bridge when I got there. He nodded to
me, the usual way, and that was it. Back to normalcy.

Except he had to repeat commands to me about three times. I just
couldn't keep my mind on the job.

I only heard the command when she said them. Kate. The Captain.

I turned, looked her in the eye, said "Aye Captain", and did it.

There was no immediacy. There was a pause. An inappropriate pause.

And so she hauled me into her office.

And we fucked.

Again.

On her desk. On duty. And we were sober. No excuse blaming it on the
Maquis liquor that had been brought out for the twentieth-century
party. I can't even describe it as making love. This was passion, lust
and animal passion, pure and simple. I was going by instinct, and so
was she.

And it happened again. And again. Her office, my quarters, the
holodeck. Hell, even the messhall, once.

At first, we both knew where we stood. At least she did, I think. I
just sorta convinced myself I knew where I stood. But soon I was
falling. I was in love with her. She was standing perfectly still, and
I was drowning for her. Fuck, now I'm a poet. But it's true.

I tried to talk about my feelings with her. I tried to show her,
giving her a gift of a necklace on her birthday. She never wore it
though, except when we were alone. It would "take too much
explaining". But she rebuffed every effort. She didn't want to talk.
She wanted to sleep with me, but she didn't want to talk.

I wonder if she was like this with Chakotay. Although I bet he would
have more self-control than that. He wouldn't let himself be used like
that. Like me.

So maybe, if something did happen, she did love him. Really love him.
In the way I wish she loved me.

But there's nothing between them now. I would know. I could tell. But
then, could he tell with us? Could he tell with me?

Sometimes I thought he knew. Maybe he did. I caught him looking at me
thoughtfully, a few times. I didn't really care though. I wanted
people to know. I wanted everyone to know I was falling in love with
this woman.

But she didn't want to tell anyone. And I was so fucking in love with
her, I let it go on.

No self-respect.

And then we met the Moneans. And I had to help, didn't she see? Didn't
you see, Kate? I couldn't let them die. For the first time, I felt
what the Maquis were about. They were defending their home. And in
some ways, so was I. I was fighting for what I believed in.

When I first protested to the Ambassador, Kate hauled me in her office
so fast, there are probably still skid marks on the bridge. She yelled
at me, in a way I knew she wouldn't to anyone-else. She called me
"Lieutenant". Not once did she call me Tom.

And that made me angry. It made me so angry, I went ahead and did it
anyway. I failed, and that just makes me feel angrier. At least if I
had succeeded in destroying the refineries, I wouldn't have served
thirty days in solitary.

I can't really call it solitary though. Harry visited me, after
begging the Captain for two weeks straight. B'Elanna saw me, after
seeing Ayala. Neelix saw me everyday. Hell, even Chakotay managed to
sneak in a couple of times. Now that was a surprise. I woke up one
day, and there he was, instead of Ayala. He'd gone instead of Tuvok to
let me know when I'd be free, but he didn't have to take an hour about
it. He said he knew it was hard, being alone for so long, and had
protested the Captain's decision. I tensed up at the mention of her
title. I think he saw, but he didn't comment. He left soon after that.
Funny, how Chakotay and Kate's roles have switched in my head. Out of
the two of them, I would have said Chakotay was less likely to be my
friend. But he is. And Kate isn't. And I don't think she ever can be.

I'm back in the messhall now. I'm alone this time, Neelix leaving a
few minutes ago. I'm staring at the stars, and I'm eating pizza. A
whole pizza, and a beer. Hell, I'm not on duty tomorrow. I'm
celebrating.

I'm celebrating my self-respect.

And now she's walking in.

And she's heading straight for me. She knew I was here.

And she's sitting opposite me.

I pretend I don't see her.

"Tom," she says softly, in that husky way she has that used to make me
go mad.

Oh fuck it all to hell, I love her. I can't deny that...

"Kate," I whisper, and now I'm standing. And so is she.

She walks to the door, but before she reaches it, I take hold of her
hard by the shoulders,and push her up against the wall. She liked
this, she liked the risk. She's remembering the last time we were in
here, alone, together.

Together. Alone.

I hold her there, watching her eyes dilate to nothing, as I raise my
hand and stroke her neck, her blouse. And lower still, down her hip.
I'm pressing her between me and the wall. She likes the illusion that
I'm in control I think. She needs the break from commanding others.
Slowly, I lower my face to her neck. She tilts it, to provide me with
better access...

And then I stop. And I release her, and she's looking at me completely
dazed. But in that brig, I learnt a few things. I learnt self-respect
again. I remembered what I was celebrating.

"Sorry *lover*. I have a headache."

I dodge the slap she aims in my direction, and with a satisfied Paris
smirk, I leave the messhall, spotting Harry walking by as I leave. I
throw an arm around his shoulders, and guide him toward the turbolift.

"Come on, Har, I owe you a few drinks. And we going to celebrate."

He looks at me, puzzled for a second. "Celebrate?"

"Yeah, Harry. Tonight, I am going to drink to freedom, and I'm going
to drink to self-respect."

And so we drank, Harry and I. My friend.

And you know, it's ironic. The thirty days in the brig was supposed to
teach me the error of my ways.

But in my case, I think the thirty-first day did that.

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continued in the second story in the Inequality series 'Control'