The BLTS Archive - Can't Not by Sigrid (sigridthehaughty@yahoo.com) --- DISCLAIMERS: Standard disclaimers. Voyager and the characters are not mine, but the story is. The lyrics are the property of Alanis Morissette and producer Glen Ballard. Do not archive without my permission. SPOILERS: Hunters, Message In A Bottle DEDICATED TO: AbyKitten, for being one of my greatest friends. The lyrics are from the Alanis Morissette song, 'Can't Not'. She is truly an extraordinary and talented singer and songwriter. --- So, Mom left then? This isn't exactly how I saw our reconciliation, Dad. I envisaged shouting, yelling, accusations... pretty much a rehash of all the other arguments we've ever had. You telling me what a worthless piece of crap I am, me... well, probably agreeing with you. I would have agreed with you at one time Dad, before Voyager, before the Maquis, probably. But not now. And it doesn't look like you're in any position to argue. --- I'd be lying if I said was completely unscathed... I might be proving you right with my silence or my retaliation... Would I be letting you win in my non reaction? How would I explain? How would I explain this to my children if I had them? --- We got back a few hours ago. All the way from the Delta Quadrant. Huge crowds, a real Starfleet PR affair Dad, probably the sort you would have coordinated, although I doubt you would have supported it. Welcoming back a group of renegade Maquis, en ex-convict son, a Borg? Not really your style, was it? I know you got my letter, that I sent through the array. I didn't tell anyone I'd sent it, especially when the replies came back. Harry, my best friend, he was frantic for a reply from his parents. Every time a new message was delivered, you could see his face light up. It hurt when we found out they weren't for him. I pretended not to expect one, but I was hoping against hope that there would be one, for me. From you. I wanted a letter from you. I wanted you to tell me I had done well, for once. That I had proved my worth. I wanted you to tell me that what I did... that what I did meant something. That I had finally made something of myself. I never got your letter Dad. I know you sent one. All B'Elanna managed to retrieve was the header. I knew you had sent a message. I never knew what was in it, what was in the heart? Not until the last couple of hours, anyway. I can't decipher what you've written on this PADD. It was given to me when they first told me about your... condition. I mean, I can read it, it's just... "I trust you are acting an exemplary officer, Thomas, and that I won't have any more of your mistakes to answer for. I wish I could see for myself what sort of man you have become, so I can take pride." This sounds like a school report Dad. Which isn't unexpected. It's just I... I don't know... I expected more. --- Because I can't not. . . Because I can't not. . . Because I can't afford to be misread one more time. . . --- I mean, I didn't expect you to go all mushy on me. Leopards don't change their spots and all that. It's just... You know Dad, I always tried my best. Just because I wasn't the star pupil at school, just because I didn't want to be in Starfleet at first, just because I wanted to be a pilot, and not an Admiral... that never made me a failure. I was a good person. I made mistakes, and I didn't need you shouting at me. I needed your guidance, I needed comfort. I needed you to be my father. Do you know what I mean, Dad? I needed you, to be my father. Not an Admiral. My dad. And I'm a fucking good pilot Dad. I might have got demoted, but I was good. And I earned my commission back, and more. In three years, I went from Ensign, to Lieutenant Commander. I'm a Lieutenant Commander. But it isn't just rank that's made me what I am. It isn't just rank that has made me a good person. But I don't think you ever understood that. --- Would I be whining if I said I needed a hug? Would you feel slighted if I said your love's not enough? How can I complain? How can I complain when I'm the one who reaches for it? --- I remember when I was younger. I was only about nine. I had just gotten my maths and English results back. I found maths hard, but I liked English, and we'd been reading 'Twenty Thousand Leagues Under The Sea'. My favourite book. You used to read it to me sometimes, whenever you were at home. And I got full marks in English. My teacher said I was exemplary. But in maths, I had some trouble. But I still did well. The teacher said I did well. But you didn't listen, did you Dad? All you saw was that I had got a C, and it didn't matter what I said. You yelled and you shouted and... I was *nine*, Dad. I was nine years old. And I couldn't understand why my daddy was shouting at me like he was. I hadn't done anything wrong. I had tried my best. But you just kept shouting at me, and then you raised your hand, and I was so scared... You scared me, Daddy, you really did. And no matter what I did, I just couldn't please you, could I? It didn't matter how fucking good I was, I just didn't measure up... I wanted to go to a airshow once. With old fashioned planes. Really old-fashioned planes, the sort in the twentieth century. There were Spitfires there, and American bombers, like they used in the Second World War. I had been looking forward to it for months, and Mom was going to take me... But the day before we left, you said I couldn't go. That my grades weren't good enough. That I should stay home, studying. It didn't matter that it was the summer break. I had to stay at home. And guess what, you were hosting a reception that day. It wouldn't look very good if your wife and son weren't even in the house. How would that look to your colleagues? You didn't think about your wife or your son, did you Dad? And so I stopped trying. Well, what was the point? What was the point of trying? Hell, I went into Starfleet for you. I tried to make you proud, and it never worked, did it? And then... Caldik Prime. --- Because I can't not. . . Because I can't not. . . Because I can't not walk without my crutches. . . --- I still have the nightmares, at night, when I'm sleeping. Not often now, I've made my peace. But sometimes, they come, like on anniversaries of the accident, or their birthdays. Because that was what it was, Dad. It was an accident. I never meant it to happen. And I was the leader. I should have taken responsibility. It was *my* error that caused the crash. It wasn't Sam's, it wasn't Rachel's, and it wasn't Charlie's. It was my fault. And they died. And then you came, and you yelled at me. Security actually came into the ward, do you remember that? You knew then, that it was my responsibility. I told you. And all I wanted was for you to tell me that you loved me. Was that so hard, Dad? Was that really do hard? But you were the Admiral then. You weren't my father. You told me that you would sort it out. And then you left. Fuck it, Dad, you ruined my life when you did that! I had no idea what you were talking about, and then... I saw the news reports. I was too late. It didn't matter that I was in hospital, suffering from first-degree burns. You never saw me after that, you never visited. Mom did. I doubt you liked that. I saw the bruise on her cheek... Damnit, why am I even here, talking to you? I just... I can't do this anymore... --- Because I can't not. . . Because I can't not. . . Because I can't help wonder why you ask me. . . --- What a surprise. I'm back. I got about a meter from the door when my Captain stopped me. Yeah, that's right, my Captain, who came with me. Who's also my lover. He's just outside the door now. He says I should try to talk to you, that this might be my last chance. Personally, I don't think you deserve it, but... yeah, I'll talk. I'm waving him off, he's gone to get coffee. He'll be back in a minute though. You see, Dad, Chakotay won't leave me. Unlike you. What a surprise, he's back now. Handing me a coffee. Kissing me on the top of my head, telling me he'll be there for me... He loves me Dad. Did you? --- To all the unheard wisdom in the schoolyard. . . You think you're the right ones. . . You think you're the charmed ones I'm sure. . . How can you go on with such conviction? And who do you think you are. . . Why do you question me? --- Chakotay hasn't even seen his own family, and yet he's here, with me. He means more to me, than you'll ever know. Not that you would like that, Dad. After all, he's my commanding officer, he's a *man*... definite no-no... he's a Maquis. And I love him so much... A lot of things changed after I sent you that letter. B'Elanna and I drifted apart, bit by bit. She's involved with Harry now. They're expecting their third baby in three months. And she's still one of my best friends. And then there was the Gandcinian race... We didn't do anything apart from enter their space. We couldn't go around, it was 300 lightyears wide. An empire. It took us four months to cross, four months of hell... We lost a lot of the crew, about nineteen people to be precise. Sam Wildman, Gregor Ayala... Captain Janeway. They were going to kill Seven. Well, I think they were going to kill all of us actually, but they hated the Borg. They managed to catch us unawares at a planet, they aimed and fired a phaser at Seven... And Janeway stood in the line of fire. She died, for Seven. That told me more than I had ever known about Kathryn Janeway. Brave, loyal, dedicated to the lives of the crew. She was selfless, Dad. She saved Seven, the woman she loved... And Seven never knew until later, when she was going through the Captain's personal logs with Chakotay. She was never the same after that. She was quieter, less arrogant, less foolhardy. She listened more. She misses Captain Janeway more than any of us will ever know. I'd sometimes comm her, to see how she was, and find her, asleep in Janeway's quarters. She looked like an angelic child... and I saw the tears streaming down her cheeks when she thought she was alone... I know what it's like to feel alone, but to have a glimpse at that sort of love, and then lose it, before you could ever truly experience it... I think Naomi Wildman helped her a lot. She lives with Neelix now, he takes care of her. And she and Seven talk a lot. Naomi misses her mother. They have a lot in common. They have too much in common. I hope she finds someone. And so Chakotay became the Captain. He almost fell apart at first, his grief was so strong, but he's been a good Captain. He and Tuvok worked well together, better than anyone ever expected. Hell, Chakotay and I worked well together, despite everything in the Maquis. We found ourselves talking more. I don't think I'm flattering myself when I say that it was only me who knew how deep his true feelings had run for Captain Janeway. And I don't think it's exaggerating when I say that I was the only one Chakotay could talk to. Perhaps he could have talked to B'Elanna, but she was pregnant then, with her first child. She had worries of her own. So it was me. And he didn't seem to mind. He's just said he didn't have much choice about the matter, and if I had something to throw at him, I would. But I know he doesn't mean it. He asked me earlier if I minded him listening in. I don't mind at all, he helps me. Chakotay centers me. He says it's only because I center him. I'm his core. I love him. --- Because we can't not. . . Because we can't not. . . Because we can't help laugh at underestimations. . . --- I sent you a message when I was in the Maquis too. I don't know if you remember it. You didn't reply. I didn't expect you too. There was a lot of loathing in that letter. But it was how I felt, Dad. You'd disowned me, for making a stupid mistake, and I thought you were right. And I didn't want to deal with that. So I drank. I took drugs. I did anything I could to stop the pain, to block out the memories of my friends, burning, of you yelling, again. I don't want to tell you about the stuff I did, that's behind me now. But it stopped the nightmares. I think that was why it was so hard to stop. Because if I stopped, I had to face the pain again. Chakotay forced me to stop, in the Maquis. He said I had to, or he wouldn't let me fly. I tried to replicate drink without him knowing. It took me two days to work out that the stuff I was replicating wasn't real. I needed to block out the pain. It seemed that I could convince myself to do it. But I needed to talk. And there was No one there. No one I thought would want to listen. I wasn't used to be listened to, Dad. After all, I never said anything worth saying, did I? Even then, he was a good man. He tried, but No one could get through. But he has helped me more than he will ever know. He says he only did for me what I've done for him, many times. Yeah, I think he loves me. --- Because we can't not. . . Because we can't not. . . Because we can't afford to be misled one more time. . . --- We've been in the Delta Quadrant for over six years now. I've been thinking about this since we got stranded. I can't tell you the amount of different scenarios I've imagined. I've imagined you yelling, I've imagined you completely changing and accepting me, I've imagined you visiting me in prison... You never came. Why did you never come? You wouldn't have had to tell anybody. Mom came, a few times. I don't think you ever knew that. If you had, I think I would have guessed. You don't think I remember, but I do. I remember you hitting her when you got home. You didn't need much of an excuse. As time went on, you didn't need any. I wish I'd helped her. Even after Caldik Prime, I tried to convince her to leave you, but she never did. And now she has. I don't know where she is at the moment, but I'll find her. It'll be hard, there's no Miriam Paris or Miriam Farron listed, but I'll find her. Chakotay says I shouldn't beat myself up about my mom, but I can't help it. And no, I know it wasn't my fault, I was a child. I wasn't a Starfleet cadet, Dad. I was a kid. Like the other kids. I wanted to play and visit airshows of old planes. I wanted to go to see Grandpa at his big house in England, rather than do my maths, occasionally. I wanted hugs, I wanted reassurances when I hurt my knee playing in the sand pit. I wanted you to be there for me, when I made mistakes. I wanted you to like my girlfriends. I wanted you to sit me down and tell me about love and other stuff teenage sons talk about with their dads. I wanted you to love me, like I loved you. Help me through the rough patches. Was that really too hard? Was that really too much to ask of a father? --- Because we can't not. . . Because we can't not. . . Because we cannot help without your willingness. . . --- Chakotay and I, we've considered kids, children of our own, but part of me... part of me worries that I'll turn out like you. Oh, I know. I'm not like you. Not where it counts. I might look a bit like you, but that's it. You didn't shape me Dad, not like you said in your letter. You said you wanted to 'take pride' in me. Well, you can't. You didn't help me when I needed it. Chakotay helped me, Kathryn Janeway helped me. B'Elanna and Harry helped me. My mom helped me. You couldn't even love me. I debated even coming here today. But I came. I got a message from Starfleet security, no less. Which was a bit ironic. Apparently, they feared that you might be vulnerable to attack from disgruntled settlers in the Demilitarized Zone. You signed the Treaty, after all. And yet, Chakotay still came with me. They said you had had a massive heart attack, your third, and since I was your only kin, that I had to come. Your vital signs are weak. You're in a coma. I don't know if you can hear me. Maybe you can. I need to believe you can. I need to know that I was able to have my say, and that you were able to listen. Chakotay's right, I needed this. That damn man is always right. And that damn man is mine. I'm going to walk out with him, and I'm going to be with him, wherever he goes. I would go with him into Hell, if he wanted me to. That's love. That's what Seven of Nine felt for Kathryn Janeway. Do you know what that feels like? Well, do you? I wouldn't give him up for anything in the world. And definitely not a Starfleet career. --- Why do you affect me? Why do you affect me still? Why do you hinder me? Why do you hinder me still? Why do you unnerve me? Why do you unnerve me still? Why do you trigger me? Why do you trigger me still? --- I'm here to say good-bye, and to give them authorization to turn off the machine that's keeping you alive. Your only kin is a man I doubt you'd recognize. A man you haven't seen for close to ten years, since you disowned him. And now he owns your life. Mom left you, Dad. Neither of my sisters came, did they? The nurses here say that you've had No one visit you since you were brought in. You're alone. It might be easier if I was able to forgive you, but I can't. And I know I never will. What I see now is a frail old man, alone. I thought you were strong, indestructible. I used to think you were perfect, when I was your child. You never let anything get to you. It's not weakness, to show that something upsets you, and that stuff gets to you. It's human. I don't know you. No one really knows you. You're alone. Good-bye, Dad. I wish... I wish it could have been different. I wish you could have what I have. No one deserves to die alone. Good-bye. --- The End