The BLTS Archive - A Case of Need
by Seema (seemag1@yahoo.com)

---

Archive: ASC yes, everyone else please ask

Disclaimer: Characters and places belong to Paramount. Original story
written by Kenneth Biller and Bryan Fuller. No profit or infringement
intended.

Author's note: I wrote this shortly before "Workforce" aired, thanks
to Stacy who managed to get her hands on a shoot script of the
episode. Since I didn't get Voyager in my area at the time, it was a
couple months later before I was actually able to view the episode.
Much thanks to Stacy for checking the story over to make sure I got it
right and Andrew for getting me a copy of "Workforce" so I could feel
more confident about what I was doing. I'm also grateful to Kim for
his help with technobabble and more recently, Jam, who reread the
story and encouraged me to post it.

---

She thought if she could remember his name, it would be all right.

A name, not much to ask for.

She had already given up on trying to remember anything else about
him.

A name. That was all she wanted.

B'Elanna sighed as she glanced down at her PADD. Around her, people
moved briskly, with a sense of purpose, as if they knew where they
were going and more importantly, where they had come from.

She couldn't even remember how she came to Quarra.

Kessik was a distant gray memory. She knew she had lived there, knew
she had been unhappy, and probably unemployed. At some point, she had
made the decision to book passage on a transport and come here.

The journey from Kessik was a blur just like everything else. She
imagined the trip had been like any other transport: cramped quarters
and short tempers. It was just as well that she had blocked out the
memory.

B'Elanna had disembarked from the transport with only the one shoulder
bag containing basic necessities she had brought. She had noted the
others around her with disinterest and seen, with dismay that they
looked nothing like her.

They came in varied colors, sizes, shapes - and it bothered B'Elanna
that she could not name their races.

After leaving the transport station, B'Elanna had asked around and
discovered that the Power Facility was desperately in need of workers.
She found her way there and met with the supervisor, who had asked her
a few perfunctory questions and then handed her a smock.

At least the job kept her busy. They had given her mindless work -
monitoring power distribution levels across the city to prevent
burnouts - but B'Elanna didn't mind. She didn't really have an idea of
what she would like to do instead.

Her shift began at six o'clock at in the evening and she usually
arrived a few minutes before she actually had to punch in. B'Elanna
would say goodnight to Amina who worked the day shift and then take
over the console to focus on the various blips and bleeps that showed
the power levels across the city. Most of the times, she didn't look
up from her work at all, studying those power grids intensely and only
taking her allocated break every two hours.

For her first week on the job, B'Elanna worked mostly in silence,
barely aware of anyone or anything around her. And for the most part,
no one noticed her, until one night when B'Elanna, hunched over her
work as usual, was startled out of her quietness by a gentle hand on
her shoulder.

"Excuse me. Are you new here?"

B'Elanna looked up. The speaker was female of medium height with
shoulder-length brown hair and a pleasant smile. Like everyone else
here in the Power Facility, she wore a uniform of muted colors - gray,
brown and black.

"Are you talking to me?" B'Elanna asked. She looked around just to
make sure that the woman couldn't possibly be speaking to anyone else.

"Yes," the woman answered. "I'm on break and I saw you. Realized we
hadn't met before and thought I'd say hello."

"Hi," B'Elanna said awkwardly.

The woman sat in the chair next to B'Elanna's.

"I hope I'm not taking anyone's seat," she said pleasantly.

"No," B'Elanna responded. "Amina works the dayshift. She's already
left."

"Ah. I'm Kathryn. Kathryn Janeway."

"B'Elanna Torres."

"Nice to meet you."

"Same," B'Elanna said. She realized that her mouth felt rusty,
realized she hadn't talked to anyone in days. In fact, like everything
else, she didn't even know who the last person she'd talked to was.

"Have you been here for very long?" Kathryn asked.

"I think so," B'Elanna said cautiously. "I - maybe two or three
weeks?"

"I know the feeling. Time seems to fly here, doesn't it?"

"It seems to," B'Elanna said, not willing to admit that she found the
days tedious and long.

"How is the work?"

"It's-" B'Elanna hesitated. What should she say? She found it terribly
dull, but it was easy enough and didn't put a strain on her. She
supposed she should be grateful; the wages, after all, were good.
"It's interesting."

"It's a lot better than where I used to be. A whole new experience and
I'm enjoying it immensely. You'll like it too. I can't think of a
better place to work."

"I'm sure you're right."

"You don't sound convinced, but give it time," Kathryn grinned and got
up from her seat. "Do you want to get a bite to eat?"

"No, but thanks for asking. I have work to do."

"It's all right to take a break every now and then. It's all right."

"I- I really can't. I don't want to take the risk."

"The risk?" Kathryn frowned.

"Losing my job. I can't risk it. I- I'm pregnant," B'Elanna said.
Kathryn smiled.

"I can understand that, but I'm sure it's all right to take your
scheduled breaks."

"I'm not due for a break for another two hours," B'Elanna answered.
"The new efficiency monitor, I've heard that she's very strict. I came
a long way to make a better life for my baby; I don't want to take any
chances."

Kathryn nodded.

"When is the baby due?" she asked.

"Uh," B'Elanna considered. She had been wondering the same thing
herself, but "nine" seemed to come immediately to mind and that number
felt right. Felt right like so many other things had felt wrong. "Nine
weeks."

"You and your husband must be very excited," Kathryn said. "Well, I'm
going to meet some friends for a late dinner. There's a restaurant
down the street where a bunch of us like to meet. Feel free to join us
anytime."

"Maybe next time. Thank you for the invitation."

B'Elanna watched Kathryn join a group of people by the exit. They all
seemed happy to see each other - most of them were smiling. More
importantly, they acted like they belonged. Belonged to each other.
B'Elanna bit her lip hard enough that she drew blood.

Husband.

Kathryn had said "husband."

B'Elanna bent over her PADD, trying to concentrate on the fluctuating
lines.

After a moment, she brushed the back of her hand over her eyes.

Husband.

If she could remember his name. If only.

---

B'Elanna lived in Employees' Housing like all of the other employees
at the Power Distribution Facility. The complex was only three blocks
away and B'Elanna welcomed the opportunity to walk in the fresh air
instead of boarding the crowded transport like she usually did.

Once inside the gate, B'Elanna turned to the left and walked past the
gardens, the playground and the clubhouse. The facilities were
certainly well equipped but B'Elanna still hadn't taken the time to
check out everything the complex offered.

Her apartment was on the second floor of the third building and as she
stared up at the two flights of stairs, B'Elanna made the decision
that she would need to move once the baby came. It would be easier,
she thought, than having to struggle alone carrying a baby and all of
the necessary supplies up and down the stairs. And lately, B'Elanna
appreciated anything that would make life just a little more
convenient and easier.

She hated feeling so alone. She wondered if she had felt this lonely
on Kessik.

The apartment was small, utilitarian, and without decoration. There
were two rooms - a main room furnished with a table with four chairs,
a sofa, and a lamp.

The second room was just big enough for a double bed and a dresser.

Apparently, she hadn't brought any personal effects with her from
Kessik, but then, B'Elanna knew with certainty, she had never been
particularly interested in collecting or decorating. Still, she wished
she had brought some clothes - something she could wear other than the
bland gray of the Facility-issued uniforms.

Something to remind her...

I must have left in a hurry, B'Elanna thought as she looked around her
meager surroundings. A great hurry. Was I afraid? Was something wrong?

B'Elanna dropped her bag on the floor as she headed towards the sofa.
Every muscle in her body ached and she settled herself gratefully on
the couch. She closed her eyes, inhaling and exhaling deeply.

... hands, warm, tender, running the length of her legs, massaging
weary limbs.

B'Elanna opened her eyes.

... lying on her side as those same hands kneaded her back. Soft,
gentle fingers touching her cheek, caressing her stomach...

She sat up, trying desperately to remember. If only she could follow
those hands up through arms, shoulders, neck and finally to the
face... to finally recall the curvature of jaw, the sweep of cheek
bone, the shape of the eyes and the color of hair.

But nothing.

It occurred to her then that she would have to start shopping for the
baby soon. Mentally she compiled a list of items, thought about the
costs, and grimaced. It would take a couple more pay periods before
she could save up enough money to even buy the necessities like a
crib.

B'Elanna got up from the sofa and looked out the window. Below,
children played with a round ball. Apparently the goal of the game was
to kick the ball between two posts. She watched them for a few minutes
before turning her thoughts to the issue of dinner.

She stood in front of the replicator, not sure of what she wanted to
eat. She pondered this question before finally bringing up the list of
available recipes. She selected one without thinking and a few seconds
later, a grilled-cheese sandwich and tomato soup combination
materialized. She stared at the food, wrinkling her nose.

"Well," she said out-loud. "I can always try something else if I don't
like this."

B'Elanna ate at the table, glad that her chair faced the windows so
that she could see the city lights. It was better than sitting
alone...

The baby kicked and B'Elanna moved her hand to feel the movement. In
spite of herself, B'Elanna smiled; in a few weeks, she wouldn't be
alone.

---

B'Elanna passed the restaurant Kathryn had mentioned every night on
her way to work. It was always crowded, filled with laughing, smiling
people, all of them talking in loud, boisterous voices. Once, B'Elanna
had stopped in to take a look, thinking that maybe it would be nice to
eat surrounded by people.

But when she entered, B'Elanna felt overwhelmed by the crowd. She
couldn't summon up the courage to walk in and so she left, swallowing
hard. She didn't want to be alone in a room of people.

But B'Elanna noticed that only a few people frequented the restaurant
during the day and she figured she could muster up the courage to eat
then.

B'Elanna made the decision easily as she stood in her apartment,
staring at the replicator in an effort to come up with a dish - any
dish - that she would enjoy.

She was tired of being disappointed.

And she was prepared to sit by herself; she had brought a PADD of the
latest Klingon romance, a bestseller according to the owner of the
store who had specifically recommended it to her. The story retold an
ancient Klingon epic about warrior women preparing to go into battle
by a river flowing with the blood of their slain husbands.

The book was rather bloody and gruesome in some sections, but the
story appealed to B'Elanna on a primal level.

Armed with her novel, B'Elanna settled into the satisfying routine of
eating at the restaurant directly before and after work. Despite the
fact that she didn't talk to anyone while she was at there, B'Elanna
had to admit that eating at the restaurant was preferable to her cold
apartment.

One afternoon, B'Elanna settled herself at her usual table and
immediately turned on the PADD, eager to begin where she had left off.

"Can I bring you something else?"

B'Elanna did not look up from her PADD at the sound of the male voice.
She was only dimly aware of someone clad in gray and brown standing
next to her table.

"No, thank you," she responded.

"I haven't seen you in here before."

"You probably just didn't notice."

"Oh, I'd have noticed," the speaker continued in a flirtatious tone.

B'Elanna looked up in exasperation.

"Apparently, you're not as observant as you think you are," she said,
hoping he would take the coldness of her tone as a hint to leave her
alone. She had seen this waiter before and once, had heard the owner
of the restaurant yelling at him for serving drinks on the house to a
trio of very attractive young women.

"Oh really?" the young man responded arrogantly. B'Elanna didn't like
the tone of his voice at all; in fact, his self-assurance and
cockiness made her slightly uncomfortable.

"I've been coming here the same time every day for the past two
weeks," she answered flatly.

"Well, that explains it. I usually work nights."

"Me too," B'Elanna replied curtly.

"At the Power Distribution Facility," the waiter said. "See? I'm
observant."

B'Elanna couldn't help but smile. His voice was soothing, even mildly
seductive. But she couldn't think of that right now. The waiter
appeared charming and smooth, but for all she knew, her husband - if
she had even been married - had been the same.

She couldn't fall for someone. Not now.

From the back, a voice called, "Tom! I need you for a moment."

B'Elanna looked at the waiter, who seemed noticeably annoyed by the
summons.

"I'll be right there," he called back and then turned to B'Elanna.
"Listen, you should come in when you get a night off. It's a lot more
fun when it's a crowd."

"I don't really like crowds."

"Well then, maybe we could get together during the day sometime. Take
a walk by the river-"

"I don't think so," B'Elanna cut him off.

Tom looked startled at her reaction and B'Elanna felt a small bit of
satisfaction.

"Why not?" he asked in surprise.

B'Elanna sighed. She rose from the table.

"I'm really a very engaging conversationalist," Tom continued.
B'Elanna looked down at her stomach and put her hand on it. She smiled
slightly as she felt a kick.

Active, she thought. You're an active baby today. But she didn't
verbalize those thoughts since she was almost embarrassed by her own
pride in the baby. Besides, she didn't think Tom would appreciate it.

"Oh," Tom said awkwardly. He shifted slightly from foot to foot.

B'Elanna nodded, relieved that she wouldn't have to worry about Tom
bothering her anymore. He would leave her alone, leave her...

Just like he did.

"Yeah," she said softly. She noted with satisfaction the shock on
Tom's face and then asked snidely, "Still want to get together?"

"Well, you're married..." Tom said, his voice drifting off.

B'Elanna considered this statement and Tom both. She decided on the
spot that she hadn't been married, decided that maybe it had been a
short relationship, one so quick that nothing about the man who
fathered her child remained in her memory.

"No," she said flatly.

"Oh."

"Enjoy your day," B'Elanna said. She brushed past Tom and walked out
into the gray morning.

---

She knew how to fix things. B'Elanna realized this when a power surge
spiked through her console and through Amina's also. The yellow grid
lines went blank and the two women could smell the smoke wafting from
the console. B'Elanna wrinkled her nose at the smell.

"What occurred here?" the efficiency monitor arrived on the scene
within minutes of the surge. The efficiency monitor wore a silver
object just above her right eye, a device that B'Elanna was
alternately startled and fascinated by.

... you will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.

The hairs on B'Elanna's neck stood up and she shivered, feeling a
sudden draft.

"B'Elanna?" Amina asked. "Are you all right?"

B'Elanna blinked and saw both her friend and the monitor staring at
her, one in concern and the other impatiently.

"Please state the cause of this disturbance," the monitor said coolly.
B'Elanna looked back at her PADD.

I've seen this before, she thought to herself.

... plasma relays have blown, Captain. Looks like a fluctuation-

... can you fix it?

"A power fluctuation," B'Elanna explained. "Apparently, the power
transfer scheduled for early this evening overloaded the main
circuitry. The problem should be easily resolved."

"You should have been paying attention."

"I was," B'Elanna said. "It happened so suddenly - I noticed a problem
in the North Sector and I was attempting to fix that."

The efficiency monitor glared at B'Elanna and then nodded.

"This problem must be corrected quickly otherwise our productivity
will be severely undermined."

"I-" and then B'Elanna stopped as one of the engineers removed the
cover from her console. "I see the problem."

The efficiency monitor cocked her head to the side.

"Explain," the woman ordered. B'Elanna nodded.

"The inverted transducer here looks like it wasn't made to handle the
voltage. We could replace that one with another with greater
conductive properties. If we don't make that adjustment now, then
something like this could happen again."

"Can you handle the repair? It seems simple."

B'Elanna nodded without really knowing the answer to the question. The
engineer found a new transducer and B'Elanna carefully removed the old
one. After a few moments, the console lit up again and the efficiency
monitor nodded.

"Efficient work," she said. "I will make a note of it in your record.
You are employee eight five eight eight."

"You can call me B'Elanna."

The monitor regarded the half-Klingon with a cool look and then moved
on. Amina came to stand next to B'Elanna.

"She gives me the chills," Amina said in a low voice. "She's
everywhere, watching everything and everyone. I don't think she misses
a beat."

"Do you think I offended her?" B'Elanna was worried now. What would
she do if she lost her position here?

"I think everything offends her."

"I really need this job," B'Elanna said pensively and then she shook
her head. "I should have been more careful, should have realized. I
haven't met her before, but I've heard plenty of stories about her."

"Don't worry about it, B'Elanna. I'm sure she'll find someone else
less efficient than you. After all, she did pay you a compliment about
your fix. That was some good work. Were you an engineer back on
Kessik?"

B'Elanna shrugged. "I don't know."

"Then how did you know how to fix that?"

"Instinct, I suppose." And she laughed uneasily.

"I'm impressed. I wish my instinct was that good," Amina said. "I
wouldn't worry about the efficiency monitor, B'Elanna. She's probably
forgotten about you already."

"I certainly hope so."

The two women watched as the monitor made her rounds, stopping
occasionally between the different workstations to make notes on her
PADD. B'Elanna admitted to herself that Amina was probably correct;
there were plenty of others here for the monitor to focus her
attention on, especially with all of the new workers, many of them
still struggling to learn their duties.

"There are a lot of new employees here," Amina said, as if she had
been reading B'Elanna's thoughts. "You wouldn't think there is a labor
shortage in the galaxy. So many people. I wonder where they're coming
from."

"I suppose everyone heard about Quarra the way we did," B'Elanna said.
"There's a lot of opportunity here for those of us who didn't have any
choices back on our home worlds."

"That's a good point. Still, it's curious."

B'Elanna didn't say anything in response; she was concerned that the
efficiency monitor might come back and fault her for not working.
B'Elanna quickly tapped a few keys and was satisfied that everything
was working as specified.

"Well," Amina said, catching the hint. "I'm off. Good work on fixing
that console. Maybe you should consider moving to a more technical
section. You might be happier there. Besides, this position is
replaceable. The engineers are more indispensable; the management has
a hard time keeping the talented people here. They move on quickly.
Just think about it, all right?" And when B'Elanna didn't respond,
Amina said quietly, "Hope it's a good night, B'Elanna."

"Good night," B'Elanna said. And that night, as she watched the rise
and fall of the power waves on her PADD, she contemplated Amina's
suggestion.

---

B'Elanna settled into her usual table at the restaurant, her eyes
already fixed on the PADD. In the last installment of the novel,
T'Alia had lifted the sagging spirits of her fellow warrior women with
a rousing speech and together, the women had all pledged to vanquish
the evil forces of Tagoth, the false God, who had come to challenge
Kahless.

But her quiet time didn't last long before Tom showed up at her table.

"Hi," Tom said.

B'Elanna looked up at him. His expression was soft, kind, and maybe
even caring. B'Elanna bit her tongue. She didn't want to like him, not
in any way possible. She had the suspicion that anyone she cared for,
however remotely, eventually left her, and at this stage in her life,
she wasn't prepared to take the risk.

"Listen, I get off work in a few minutes. I thought maybe you and I
could-" Tom said.

"You don't give up, do you?" B'Elanna spoke more harshly than she had
intended.

She regretted her tone immediately.

"You don't even know what I was going to say."

"Let me guess: you were going to invite me for a 'walk by the river'
or maybe to your living quarters to 'admire the view'," B'Elanna said
bitterly. Somehow, she knew she had heard all of these lines before
and she suspected that she had fallen for any number of these at least
once.

"Actually I was going to offer to introduce you to some people I met."

B'Elanna looked at him surprise, wondering what he was up to. She
certainly didn't think she'd have anything in common with his friends.

"A couple expecting their first baby in a few weeks," Tom said. "I
thought you might want to get to know other parents. You know, swap
stories, maybe even find a playmate for your baby."

B'Elanna couldn't speak. The thought of meeting other people - people
who could possibly understand her situation, who could help her...

"If it's a bad idea..." Tom looked uncertain.

"No, it's -" B'Elanna shook her head and then glanced back at Tom. He
looked at her pensively. B'Elanna smiled at him. "It's nice."

Tom appeared relieved.

"I'm sorry about the other day," he said.

"I'm the one who should be apologizing. I shouldn't have assumed-"

"Forget it," Tom's tone was light, casual, forgiving. B'Elanna sighed.
Another time, another place, maybe... the possibility was growing more
attractive.

No, she lectured herself sternly. Don't even think it, B'Elanna. Don't
even dare. It's how you got into this mess in the first place.

And because Tom was still looking at her so expectantly, B'Elanna
softened.

"Look, it's very rare that I admit I'm wrong, so you should probably
take advantage of it while you can."

He grinned at her and B'Elanna immediately warmed up to him. There was
something sweet in that smile. He seemed genuinely interested in her -
an intriguing, but welcome surprise after days of relative anonymity.

"It's been hard being alone with a baby coming. I have a habit of
keeping my guard up."

"That's understandable."

"It's just a romantic relationship is out of the question for me right
now, so when you started asking..." her voice drifted off. B'Elanna
bit on her lip.

"How about a friend?" Tom asked gently.

"What?"

"You said romance is out of the question. Could you use a friend?"

B'Elanna considered. She could say no and he'd walk away; this she was
sure of. Or she could say 'yes' and the result would be exactly the
same. But right now, she really did want to talk to someone, so she
nodded.

"I would like that," B'Elanna said hoarsely.

"Look, I've got a few minutes," Tom said. "Mind if I sit down?"

"Please." B'Elanna turned off her PADD.

"What are you reading?"

"'The Warrior Women at the River of Blood.'"

"Sounds fascinating. Are you enjoying it?"

"Yes," B'Elanna nodded. "It's... riveting, if not a little
predictable."

"Predictable?"

"Yes. I seem to know every twist and turn before it happens, but
still, I do like it."

"That's good," Tom said. "Do you mind a suggestion?"

B'Elanna looked at him warily. Now that she had actually let her guard
down, was he going to proposition her again? Involuntarily, her fists
clenched below the table.

"What?" she asked.

"I noticed you reading here every day. You know, it's okay to get up
and meet people. Everyone here is really friendly."

"I- I will. Right now, I just feel a bit-"

"Insecure?" Tom said softly. B'Elanna nodded.

"Yeah, a little. Do you ever get the feeling that you don't know where
you're going?"

"Sometimes, yes."

"I don't know how I got here." The moment she said the words, B'Elanna
felt better. Tom looked at her in concern.

"What are you talking about?" he asked.

"Everyone else, they know where they came from. I don't. I mean, I
think Kessik, but I'm not sure. I don't really remember."

A moment of silence and B'Elanna was convinced that Tom thought her
crazy. But his expression - it was contemplative, maybe even a little
sad.

"I know what you're talking about," he said in a low voice.

"You do?"

"Yeah." Tom leaned forward, knitting his fingers together on the
table. "I don't remember anything before I worked at the Power
Facility and you know how that turned out."

"No, I don't actually."

"I had an argument with the efficiency monitor."

B'Elanna nodded. "I met her today. A power surge blew out my console.
She arrived immediately."

"Impressive talent she has to be everywhere at once," Tom said.
"Anyway, we had an argument. Apparently my work wasn't up to par. The
next minute, I was out here, looking for a job. Umali, the restaurant
owner, took a chance on me. I convinced her that I had natural charm."

"I can imagine," B'Elanna said dryly.

"But to be honest, I can't think of where I worked before the Power
Facility. I probably wasn't any good at that job either. I'm starting
to think I'm a vagabond, moving from place to place. You know, not
letting any dust settle? To tell the truth, I think I like that.
Something gets a little dull and it's time to move on."

"Starting over, you mean?" B'Elanna asked.

"Yeah."

"That's why I came here. To get a new start. I want to make sure I
give my baby a good life and I don't think- I mean, I must have
thought things were bad enough on Kessik to leave."

"Was it the father?"

"Who?" B'Elanna asked.

"The father. Your baby's father- I'm sorry, I'm being insensitive."

"No, it's all right," B'Elanna said. "He- he left."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't. It's all right. I'm okay. Really. Everything, everything's
okay."

"If you don't mind me saying, you don't look okay," Tom said softly.
B'Elanna bit her lip. Her eyes felt moist and she cursed herself for
her lack of emotional control. Tom reached across the table and
covered B'Elanna's hands with his. His touch was light against her
cold skin, and surprised, B'Elanna realized she actually liked the
warmth of his palm. He caressed the top of her hand gently. B'Elanna
nodded, because she couldn't speak.

"Hey," Tom said softly. His fingers covered hers and without thinking,
B'Elanna grasped his hand. Tom didn't pull away and for that, she was
grateful.

"I- I'm so, so sorry. My- my emotions sometimes get the better of me.
I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize. You don't need to. Not with me."

B'Elanna sniffed, feeling absolutely ridiculous, but appreciating
Tom's kindness at the same time.

"This, this isn't like me. I don't know what's come over me."

"You're under a lot of stress; it's understandable."

B'Elanna looked at him, nodding. It felt so much better now that Tom
had validated her emotional response. She looked down at their
intertwined hands. A few days ago, she would have pulled away, but
now, she simply enjoyed the comfort in another person's touch.

"I don't remember him," B'Elanna said softly.

"What?"

"The father. I don't remember him. Nothing."

B'Elanna inhaled deeply, feeling the lump in her throat growing
larger. She couldn't quite make out Tom's expression and wondered if
he thought she was completely crazy. After all, she reasoned, how
could she possibly not know the name or face of the man who fathered
her child? B'Elanna stared down at her hands, still covered by Tom's
larger ones.

"You don't have to be alone," Tom said quietly. B'Elanna glanced up,
almost in shock at his words.

"I don't remember a time when I wasn't," she got the words out with
difficulty. Her throat hurt now, and she really did think she would
cry despite her best efforts not to.

"I have a hard time believing that," Tom said softly. "A really hard
time."

"It's true," B'Elanna said. "If it wasn't, why can't I remember
anything at all? I can't even remember him..."

In the background, Umali called for Tom and he groaned.

"Go," B'Elanna said. "I understand."

"Will you be okay?"

"Yes. Fine, I mean, I'll be fine. Thanks. Really. Thanks for
everything."

B'Elanna swallowed hard and then let go of Tom's hand. He looked at
her and reached over to gently run his fingers over her cheek; to her
surprise, B'Elanna didn't flinch. She rather liked feeling his touch
across her skin. There was nothing seductive about the touch, nothing
that implied anything but friendship and concern, a genuine warmth
that B'Elanna missed desperately.

"I need to get back to work, but if you need anything ever, please
don't hesitate to ask. I mean it." Tom got from his chair and then
looked back down at B'Elanna. "I can't imagine anyone wanting to leave
you. I just can't."

---

The nights were the hardest. B'Elanna would lie in bed, usually with
her hand on her swollen belly, trying to find a comfortable spot on
the hard mattress. She was very aware of all of the sounds surrounding
her, from the gentle whir of the replicator recharging to the loud
utility transports just outside the apartment complex. She would hear
voices at all times of day and night. Loud voices, laughing, usually,
people coming home from work, going home to warm, safe places.

Sometimes, B'Elanna would get out of bed and sit on the balcony. There
were plants, plenty of them, overflowing window boxes on the balcony.
She didn't really know how to take care of plants so she would touch
the soil, make sure it was moist, and if not, get some water. She only
hoped the plants would survive for another month.

She imagined sitting out on the balcony in a rocking chair, cradling
her baby in the soft glow of moonlight. She thought of pleasant summer
nights and warm breezes.

And she thought of Tom and his smooth voice telling her, "I can't
imagine anyone wanting to leave you. I just can't."

But she knew better. She couldn't name the occurrences, of course, but
she knew better.

She woke one night in a panic, sweating, and rushing into the bathroom
to splash water on her face. And when she looked up, she saw the
gentle ridges across her forehead. She knew why he - whoever he was -
left.

She didn't understand why Tom couldn't see it too.

---

When she arrived at the restaurant, Tom greeted her at the door.

"You're right on time," he said enthusiastically.

"What are you talking about?" B'Elanna asked. It had been a long night
at the facility and she really wasn't in the mood for small talk. She
wanted to settle down, eat something, and finish off her book.

"Joelly and Marchin are here," Tom said.

"Who?"

"Come here." Tom put his hand on B'Elanna's arm and she allowed him to
pull her to a table where a couple sat. "Joelly, Marchin, this is
B'Elanna."

Joelly, an attractive woman approximately B'Elanna's age, smiled a
welcome while Marchin rose and pulled out a chair.

"Tom told us about you," Joelly said. "We've been looking forward to
meeting you."

B'Elanna looked at Tom. He smiled at her encouragingly.

"Joelly and Marchin met here," he said. "Apparently Umali introduced
them to each other several years ago. They come here regularly."

"The place brings back good memories," Marchin said. "Plus, the
service is decent. Speaking of which, Tom, can you get B'Elanna
something to eat?"

"The usual?" Tom asked.

"Yes," B'Elanna said.

Tom disappeared and Joelly looked at B'Elanna in askance.

"The usual?" she asked. "What is it?"

"Whatever he feels like," B'Elanna said. "I let him pick. He manages
to pick out things I like, so I let him do it."

"Sounds like an interesting way of ordering," Joelly said. "Tom said
this was your first baby."

"Yes," B'Elanna said. "I think."

She didn't bother explaining the last remark and Joelly didn't push
it.

"Our baby is due in ten weeks. Tom said yours was due at approximately
the same time. Have you picked a hospital?"

"A hospital?"

"There are four in the city. We plan to go to Memorial. It's the
biggest one, plus it's near by. If you want, I can take you there so
you can look around. Of course, it helps to go to the same hospital
where your doctor is."

"Doctor?" B'Elanna blinked. She had had one check-up since arriving as
part of the routine physical given to all employees at the Power
Distribution Facility, but she hadn't even thought of finding her own
doctor. Suddenly, she was terribly, horribly afraid. What if something
was wrong with the baby? She put her hand on her stomach, willing the
baby to kick. Nothing. B'Elanna bit her lip.

"We'll help you," Joelly said quickly. "Don't worry, B'Elanna. You
don't have to do this alone. Do you have time tomorrow? I can
introduce you to my doctor."

"That would be nice, thank you," B'Elanna said gratefully. "I'm still
trying to get my feet on the ground."

"Understandable. We have those moments too," Joelly said. Marchin
nodded.

"Having a baby, it's overwhelming, we know," Marchin said. "The
responsibility, wow. I'm not sure, even now, whether we're ready."

"I don't want to hear that," B'Elanna said, but she smiled as she
spoke.

Tom came back with a plate of food.

"Here you go," he said grandly. "Chicken and vegetables."

B'Elanna looked at the plate curiously.

"You'll like it," Tom said. "I promise."

B'Elanna cut a small piece of chicken and tasted it. It tasted, well,
bland, but at least she didn't feel nauseated. She smiled at Tom and
he looked relieved.

"I'd stay and talk, but..." Tom gestured at two newcomers who had just
come in. Once was of medium height with mottled skin and yellow tufted
hair. The other was taller with black hair, his eyes set deep beneath
a heavy forehead ridge.

"Maybe later, okay?"

"Thanks, Tom," B'Elanna said gratefully.

"You must live in Employees' Housing, right?" Joelly asked.

"Yes, I'm in building 3C."

"We're in 22D. Maybe you can move closer to us."

"That would be nice. As a matter of fact, I *am* thinking of moving.
I'm on the second floor right now, but I'd like something on the
ground floor. Or, at the very least, a building with a lift."

Joelly laughed. "I know the feeling. We're on the ground floor. It's
nice. We even have a little yard. We're thinking of adding a swing
later on."

"That sounds nice," B'Elanna said wistfully. She imagined warm summer
nights, pushing her baby in a little swing, and then in a few years,
she could see her child with the others, kicking a ball through a pair
of goal posts.

"Look," Marchin said. "Anytime you need anything, just ask. We- we
want to help.

Tom told us a little about your situation and we know it's hard for
you. So don't hesitate. This isn't the time to be proud."

"Thank you. I appreciate your kindness."

"I just know that if I were in a similar situation..." Joelly's voice
drifted off.

"You don't have to say anything," B'Elanna said quietly. "And please,
don't feel sorry for me. Believe me, I spend enough time pitying
myself. I figure it's time to stop doing that."

"Good for you," Marchin said approvingly. B'Elanna finished off her
vegetables and glanced up just in time to see Kathryn pass by with an
attractive man. The two seemed deeply engrossed in conversation and
didn't notice B'Elanna. B'Elanna smiled to herself. She would take
Kathryn up on her dinner invitation the next time she had the chance.

"Do you enjoy your work?" Joelly asked.

B'Elanna laughed. "Well, it's much better than my last job. I know
that."

"But?" Joelly prodded.

"I'm considering switching. I think I might like engineering more."

"Sounds like a good possibility to consider," Marchin said. "And it
might be more interesting too. While we have good employers, I have to
say, the work can occasionally be dull."

"So far so good," B'Elanna said. She smiled at the couple, enjoying
the way her facial muscles relaxed as her lips turned upward. She
would have to thank Tom later; meeting Joelly and Marchin was the best
thing that had happened to her since coming to Quarra.

"We should go," Joelly said. "Marchin has a late shift and we need to
pick up some things from the store before he goes to work."

"It was nice meeting you." B'Elanna rose. "Really. I would like to see
you again."

"How about tomorrow morning? Tom said you worked the night shift. Does
ten o'clock sound all right?"

"Sounds perfect. Thank you."

B'Elanna picked up her coat and was about to follow Joelly and Marchin
out the door when Tom called out to her.

"B'Elanna!"

B'Elanna turned as Tom approached her.

"I'm due for a break. I'll walk you to the transport," he said. As
much as she appreciated the offer, B'Elanna really wanted time to
think. Talking with Joelly and Marchin had made her realize how little
she had done in way of preparing for the baby's arrival. In fact,
despite the support they offered, their togetherness and confidence in
their relationship overwhelmed B'Elanna. She simply could not think of
how she would manage alone and she really wanted some time to gather
her thoughts.

"Stop worrying. I'll be fine."

"It's not you I'm worried about."

"The baby will be fine too," B'Elanna said. She flashed a smile at
Tom, one that she hoped was warm and showed the gratitude she felt for
his concern. With that, she turned and walked out the door.

It was a cool evening, perfect for a walk. B'Elanna jammed her hands
in her pockets. There weren't a lot of people around, but that didn't
bother B'Elanna; she was too involved in her own thoughts.

She walked briskly for about five minutes before she started to feel
uncomfortable. She turned around and didn't see anyone, but still, she
felt suspicious. She quickened her pace. She rounded the corner and
bumped into the man with the dark hair and heavy brow ridges she'd
seen earlier in the restaurant.

"Excuse me," the man said genially.

B'Elanna glared at him and then realized by his expression that this
man seemed friendly, not dangerous. She relaxed.

"It was my fault. I should watch where I'm going."

She attempted to move to the side, but the man sidestepped her.

"B'Elanna?"

B'Elanna shivered, suddenly feeling the chill of the evening. She
regretted, at that moment, rejecting Tom's offer to walk her to the
transport.

"How do you know my name?" she asked warily.

The man paused and then said in a low voice, "What if I told you we
were old friends?"

"That's a ridiculous story."

"I know it sounds strange, but I can prove it to you. Just give me a
chance."

B'Elanna took a step backward. The man made her nervous and all she
wanted right now was to get to the safety of the Power Facility.

"Look, I'm sorry but I'm late for work," B'Elanna said. She brushed by
him, but the man grabbed her arm. B'Elanna tried to pull away but his
grip was tight. He dragged her into a side alley.

"Let go of me!" she screamed.

"I'm not going to hurt you," the stranger said.

B'Elanna scoffed at this last comment. Likely story. She should have
known - all of these men with their ridiculous stories. She swung at
him and hit him in the jaw. The man released her arm as he staggered
back. B'Elanna took the opportunity to turn and run, but the strange
man with the yellow hair blocked her way. He grabbed her by the
forearms, making it impossible for B'Elanna to struggle.

"Security! Help!" B'Elanna screamed. In the background, B'Elanna heard
the man say, "Chakotay to Voyager. We've got B'Elanna. Lock onto
Neelix and transport them to Sickbay."

B'Elanna was afraid now. She pushed against her captor, trying to
break free, but his grip was too strong.

"Help me!" she yelled.

At that moment, two security officers appeared and one of them yelled,
"Let her go!"

But B'Elanna felt the slight tingle of the transporter beam and knew
it was too late.

---

They materialized in a large room filled with medical equipment. For a
moment, B'Elanna could only think of Joelly and Marchin and their kind
offer to take her to visit the city hospitals. And then she realized
she was still with that strange yellow-haired alien.

"Where am I?" she asked, looking around in fear.

"Voyager. I'm Neelix. You remember me, right?"

B'Elanna shook her head.

"I'm - I'm your friend."

"I've never seen you before," B'Elanna said. She tried to punch
Neelix, but he was too quick for her and he pushed her against the
biobed.

"Leave me alone!" she screamed.

"We're not going to hurt you, B'Elanna. We're trying to help you,"
Neelix said reassuringly. Out of the corner of her eye, B'Elanna could
see someone advancing towards her. She made out the glint of silver in
his hand, knew it was a hypospray.

"Don't touch me!" B'Elanna yelled. She thrashed even as the hypospray
discharged into her neck. She felt her limbs grow heavy as drowsiness
overtook her. "Please," she whispered. "My baby... don't... my..."

---

"You're awake."

B'Elanna turned her head to the side, not wanting to look at the bald
gentleman who had so recently attacked her with the hypospray.

"I want to go home," she said.

"You are home." The man walked around the biobed so that he was once
again in B'Elanna's view. She turned her head to the other side and
the man sighed. "If that's the way you're going to be... B'Elanna,
it's me. The Doctor."

"I don't have a doctor."

"Is that what they told you?"

"Who?"

"The people who brainwashed you. Don't you remember anything? Anything
at all?"

"Can you remove these restraints?" B'Elanna asked abruptly. "I'm...
uncomfortable."

The Doctor considered the request.

"Do you promise not to run away? We went through a lot of trouble to
bring you back to Voyager."

"I promise. Where would I go anyway?" B'Elanna looked around. The room
she was in was decorated mostly in grays, with some maroon trim. She
shivered. "This is Voyager? That man who said we were old friends, he
talked about Voyager."

"This is Sickbay," the Doctor said as he released the restraints. He
held out a hand and B'Elanna took it. "And yes, you are on Voyager."

"You're not... real," she said.

"Excuse me?"

"You, you don't feel like me," B'Elanna said. She looked at him.
"Where am I? Where did you bring me?"

"I told you. You're on the starship Voyager, Lieutenant. This is your
home and I'm your doctor."

"Why should I believe you?" she asked. "I've never been here before."

"This is certainly going to be more difficult than I anticipated."

B'Elanna slid off the biobed and the Doctor put a hand on her elbow
for support.

"Careful," he said.

She shrugged off his touch and walked around, running her fingers over
the smooth metallic surfaces of the biobed and then the instrument
carts located to the right of the bed. She noted the consoles and the
brightly-lit buttons. As she got closer, she could make out lettering,
familiar lettering.

... if I remember correctly, a bite means-

... I know what it means.

"I can read this." B'Elanna turned to the Doctor. "This tool, I- I've
seen it before."

"It's a dermal regenerator," the Doctor said. He approached B'Elanna
slowly. "You've used it many times. You and Lieutenant Paris."

"Lieutenant Paris?"

"Oh right," the Doctor sighed. "You don't remember him either, do
you?"

"I want to go back to Quarra."

"You don't belong there."

B'Elanna felt the first signs of tension gripping her temples. She
leaned on the biobed, supporting all of her weight on her palms as she
inhaled deeply.

"I suppose I've got to prove this all to you. You don't seem to be
taking my word for anything," the Doctor said.

"That would be nice," B'Elanna answered. "And no offense, why should I
trust you on anything at all?"

"I understand completely. Let me get Mr. Neelix. He has offered to
take you on a tour of the ship. It could be helpful to your recovery."

The Doctor disappeared into his office and B'Elanna took the
opportunity to punch some keys on the console. A few seconds later, a
hologram appeared, one of a baby with forehead ridges. B'Elanna stared
at the circling image and didn't even note the Doctor's return until
he put his hand on her arm.

"What?" she pulled away. "Who- who is this?"

"That's your baby," he said. "You asked me to be the godfather."

"That's... her? It's a girl?"

"Yes. Without a name, of course, but you and Mr. Paris, you'll find
one you like soon enough. Everyone on Voyager has a suggestion for
you, though you and Mr. Paris haven't seemed that enthusiastic about
some of the names."

"Mr. Paris?" B'Elanna asked.

"Your husband."

B'Elanna looked at the Doctor curiously.

"I'm not married," she said flatly. That same hurt, the one that ached
every time she thought about the man who had fathered her child,
flared up again. The Doctor sighed.

"You are, B'Elanna."

"Then why can't I remember *him*?" B'Elanna clenched her fists in
frustration. "Don't you *think* if I was married, I would remember my
husband?"

"In time," the Doctor said gently. "Your recovery won't be easy, but
you'll remember it all soon."

"I hope so," B'Elanna said. "I- I don't like knowing."

"It is a disconcerting feeling, I'm sure," the Doctor said kindly.
"You must have been very frightened."

"Frightened?" B'Elanna asked. She shook her head. "Not frightened. No,
I wasn't frightened.

Confused, I think, and overwhelmed. I- I didn't know. Didn't know
anything. Have you ever had that feeling before? When you don't know
anything at all?"

"I'm sure - Mr. Neelix, hello!" the Doctor exclaimed. B'Elanna turned
around and gasped. It was the man with the mottled skin and yellow
hair, the one who had brought her here. Instead of the gray outfit she
remembered him in, this time he was wearing a gold jacket over a
striped green shirt. He held a tan bag in his hands.

B'Elanna backed away, nearly turning over a cart holding some medical
equipment.

"Careful, B'Elanna!" the Doctor exclaimed.

"You're the one who brought me here," B'Elanna's voice was low, almost
daring Neelix to take a step closer to her; she already knew that she
would lash out with her fists if he dared to touch her again.

"Yes, I did." Neelix nodded. B'Elanna heaved a sigh of relief; at
least, he wasn't denying his part in her abduction.

"I'm not going anywhere with him," B'Elanna told the Doctor.

"It's me, Neelix. I'm not going to hurt you," Neelix said soothingly.
B'Elanna regarded him with suspicion; he looked kind and harmless
enough. "Look, I brought you some clothes. You'll be more
comfortable."

Neelix held out the bag and B'Elanna took it suspiciously. Inside, she
found a burgundy colored dress in a soft material.

"Go on," Neelix said gently. "It's yours. I got it from your closet."

B'Elanna fingered the material; it certainly felt better than the
synthetic material of the uniform provided by the Power Distribution
Facility. She nodded.

"Okay," she said finally. "I'll change."

The Talaxian and Doctor disappeared out into the corridor while
B'Elanna changed her clothes. She rubbed her hands over the material,
loving the way the dress fell smoothly over her belly. The dress
certainly provided a more elegant look than the dismal gray uniform
she had been wearing for the past few weeks. She looked up as Neelix
and the Doctor re-entered.

"Mr. Neelix is going to take you on a tour of your life here on
Voyager," the Doctor said. "I'm confident everything will come back to
you once you see the things and people you care so much about."

"You say this is my... home?" she queried. Both the Doctor and Neelix
nodded in response. "Why don't I remember any of this?"

"As I explained before, your memories have been erased, B'Elanna," the
Doctor said patiently.  "We're not going to hurt you, we want to help
you." He took B'Elanna's hand in his as B'Elanna considered his
statement. "Maybe a tour of the ship will bring back some of what
you've lost."

Both the Doctor and Neelix were looking at her with such concern and
care that B'Elanna felt her resolve melt. She took a deep breath.

"All right," she said. "I'll go with you." Then she pointed at the
holoimage of the baby one more time. "Can I come back and... see her
again?" she asked.

"Of course. Any time," the Doctor said. "And don't forget about the
vocalization treatment. Once you're completely yourself again, we'll
begin anew."

---

"Vocalization treatment?" B'Elanna asked when she and Neelix stepped
out into the corridor.

"Yes. The Doctor sings to your baby."

"He sings? That man? He's not even real."

"He's a hologram, B'Elanna-"

"That explains it."

"But he's just as real as you and me. He's exceeded his programming
and you helped him do that."

"Me?"

"You're a very talented engineer, B'Elanna. You've accomplished so
much on this ship."

They rounded a corner and Neelix paused in front of a door.

"Engineering," he said. "This is your department. You're responsible
for keeping the ship running. Some days, that's a more difficult job
than other days."

B'Elanna stepped into the room tentatively. In front of her, she saw a
tall, glowing column, surrounded by a railing. All around,
workstations and consoles lined the walls, each with its own unique
interface and diagnostic capabilities. However, there were no people.

She left Neelix and took a look at the panels. Diagrams filled almost
every screen, and most of them had some kind notation next to them.
B'Elanna touched some of the screens lightly, knowing instinctively
what some of the readings meant. One of them, frozen on a particular
warning message, caught B'Elanna's eye.

... warp core breach imminent in thirty seconds. Shut down the reactor
modules and transfer plasma flow before ejecting the core.

An old reading, she could tell, but one that stirred a faint whisper
of a memory in the back of her mind.

"Warp core," B'Elanna said. She pointed at the screen.

"What?" Neelix asked in a perplexed tone.

"The warp core." She pointed. "I- I ejected that once, right?"

"Yes, several years ago."

"It was-" she paused. "The worst day of my life?"

"I think it was a pretty bad day," Neelix acknowledged. "Can you
remember anything else?"

B'Elanna shook her head.

"No, just that, and not very clearly."

She took another look at the panel and pressed a few keys. The screen
reset itself and showed that the warp core was indeed functioning
within parameters. B'Elanna heaved a sigh of relief and looked over at
Neelix. He was smiling at her, but she couldn't quite figure out why.

"Come this way." Neelix took her arm. "I have someone I want you to
meet."

They walked around the back of the warp core and then took the
turbolift to the second level.

"This way," Neelix said. B'Elanna followed him. They stopped in front
of a console and Neelix pointed to a pair of legs extending from
beneath the panel.

"You remember Harry," Neelix said.

A young Asian man pushed himself out from beneath the console. He held
a tool in his hand and offered B'Elanna a broad smile. B'Elanna shook
her head as she glanced apologetically at Neelix.

"No, I'm sorry," she said.

Harry and Neelix exchanged looks.

"Well, he's a very good friend of yours," Neelix persisted. He took
the tool from Harry and showed it to B'Elanna. "And aside from you,
there's no one better with a hyperspanner."

Harry laughed self-deprecatingly.

"Not today," he said.

B'Elanna took the tool from Neelix and turned it over in her hands as
she examined it.

"Problem?" Neelix asked.

"I've been trying to boost our com range, but the primary relays keep
shorting out." Harry sounded frustrated and B'Elanna looked at him
sympathetically. She could understand that kind of desperation, had
felt it before-

... can't reroute power because the cross-section capacity has
decreased due to the shorts in power grid twelve A. You'll have to
manually replace them otherwise the whole panel will short.

"Maybe B'Elanna could help you," Neelix said. B'Elanna blinked in
surprise, but Harry nodded and pointed at a section of the console
that was flashing.

"Every time I try increasing the ohmic resistance, I end up-"

... it's in the coils. Try realigning them; that should work.

"There's your problem," B'Elanna interrupted without thinking. "You
have to realign the induction coils to handle the extra power."

She pushed a few buttons and the blinking stopped.

"Thanks," Harry said. "Wow, B'Elanna, it would have taken me another
hour or so to figure that out."

Harry slid back underneath the panel. Neelix took B'Elanna's arm and
pulled her off to the side.

"You see? You are familiar with this ship!" Neelix exclaimed. B'Elanna
shook her head

"Your Doctor pokes with medical instruments, you introduce me to
strangers, tell me they're friends," she paused. "For all I know,
you're the ones trying to manipulate my memories."

"I'm sorry. I know this is hard, but-" Neelix began but B'Elanna
didn't let him finish.

"What I remember is stepping off a transport two weeks ago, and
immediately finding a job," she told him. She thought of the crowded
transport and the helpful people at the station giving directions to
various factories.

"And before that?" Neelix prodded.

She glanced at him in frustration. Didn't he understand already that
she didn't remember that much, including this ship?

"What do you mean?"

"Before you boarded that transport. What was your life like?"

This question was easy; B'Elanna knew the answer with certainty.

"I was on Kessik Four. Alone, pregnant, unemployed, wishing I could
find a better home for myself and my baby."

"You already have a home."

"Right. And according to you, it's thirty thousand light years away."

"I'm not talking about Earth," Neelix said gently. "I'm talking about
right here... on Voyager."

B'Elanna contemplated this last sentence seriously and then glanced
back at Neelix.

"If that's true, if what all of you are saying is true, why don't I
remember? Why can't I?"

"The Quarrans did something to you, erased your memories..."

"Are you manipulating me?" she asked.

"No, B'Elanna, no. You do have a life here. Let me show you. Please."

B'Elanna nodded. "All right," she said. "Show me."

Neelix led the way into the corridor.

"Follow me," he said.

B'Elanna matched her stride with his. As they walked through the
corridors, B'Elanna looked around, hoping to see something or someone
familiar, but nothing.

"Was I... was I ever on Kessik?" she asked.

"Yes. You grew up there, but you haven't been there in years."

"How many years?"

Neelix considered. "At least ten. Maybe more. You- you hated Kessik."

In spite of herself, B'Elanna smiled.

"I know that's true," she said. "You don't have to convince me of
that. What else?"

"You lived on Earth for a couple years, went to Starfleet Academy-"

"I didn't finish, did I?" B'Elanna asked. She didn't know how she knew
this detail, but it seemed right to her.

"No, you didn't," Neelix confirmed. "Well, here we are."

B'Elanna looked at the door in front of them.

"Where are we?" she asked.

"You live here," Neelix answered gently.

---

"Computer, lights," Neelix said, once he had punched in the security
code authorizing them entry. B'Elanna took a look around. Again,
nothing looked familiar. One thing was for sure: these quarters were
more inviting, more comfortable than the apartment she had occupied on
Quarra.

"I don't live alone," B'Elanna said. She nodded towards a pair of
shoes lying by the bed. "I - those aren't mine."

"No, those belong to your husband."

"Husband?" B'Elanna asked. She remembered what the Doctor had told her
earlier, but she still didn't quite believe it. "I- I don't think so.
I- he left, there isn't anyone."

"No, there is, B'Elanna," Neelix said. "Look." He picked up a framed
picture and showed it too B'Elanna.

She took the picture in her hands carefully and stared hard at it. It
was an image of her - sitting on the lap of... the waiter. They were
showing off simple gold bands to the camera. His face against her
cheek, and she was leaning into him, her eyes closed and a smile
across her lips.

"The waiter... from the tavern?" B'Elanna asked in disbelief. She
touched the picture carefully, obscuring Tom's face with her finger.

"Lieutenant Tom Paris, our pilot, and B'Elanna Torres, our Chief
Engineer. That picture was taken on your honeymoon."

B'Elanna shook her head. The smooth-talking waiter who flirted with
almost every woman who came into the restaurant?

"It's not possible," she told Neelix.

"How else would we have it?" Neelix argued back. B'Elanna barely heard
him as her attention was drawn to a box with a viewscreen in the
corner. She looked back at Neelix questioningly.

"It's antique television. You gave it to Tom as a present," Neelix
told her.

... beep beep. A cliff, a coyote, a roadrunner, the letters 'ACME.'

"He watches... cartoons," B'Elanna said. She looked at Neelix in
surprise. "How do I know that?"

"Because you're starting to remember," Neelix answered proudly.
B'Elanna shrugged and glanced back down at the picture. This time, she
didn't try to obscure Tom's face.

"I wondered why he was so protective of me," she said quietly. She
clenched the picture tightly and then looked around. There were
objects here, so many clues to her life with this man. And despite her
misgivings, she was starting to believe - beginning to realize that
maybe she did indeed belong here. Here in these quarters, here on
Voyager.

She moved through the room, looking at everything in curious
fascination. She noted the bat'leth on the wall and paused briefly to
run her fingers over its edge.

When she passed the table, she noticed a metallic object with two
slots on the top and finally, the baby's crib with a little mobile
hanging above it. She touched the wood finish of the crib gently and
then looked down at the little blankets folded across the small
mattress.

She felt her breath catch.

... you know, this is one special kid we're having.

... you're just figuring that out?

She glanced back at Neelix, who offered her a supportive smile. She
turned back to the crib and leaned down to stroke the soft material.

... they were getting ready for the baby. Both of them, together. His
hand on the small of her back. Smiling at her. Happy - they were...
happy.

B'Elanna blinked as the crib suddenly blurred in front of her. She
gripped the railing tightly.

"I'll be outside if you need me," Neelix said softly. B'Elanna didn't
acknowledge his departure.

---

B'Elanna remained standing by the crib for a long time, not really
seeing anything at all. After a while, she blinked and took another
look around. The quarters looked lived in with the occasional clutter
on end tables.

She walked over to the closet and opened it. Several uniforms - some
with red jackets, others with yellow - hung side by side. She touched
the material and then pushed the uniforms aside. There were some
civilian clothes here too, including a brown sleeveless dress.

... flowers and an afternoon at the movies.

B'Elanna thumbed through the rest of the clothes, but nothing else
triggered a memory. She closed the closet and then opened the dresser
drawers. The top drawer held a collection of night clothes, all in
different fabrics, colors and styles. Hers, all of them.

... his voice, soft and seductive, whispering: "Surprise me. You
always do."

Abruptly, B'Elanna slammed the drawer shut and turned to lean back
against the dresser. She could see everything from here and she
realized that even if she couldn't remember this life - even if she
was being manipulated - she wanted this life. Desperately.

She thought of apartment 3C down on Quarra with its utter lack of
personality. She recalled lying awake at night, staring up at the
ceiling, wondering how she was going to cope once the baby arrived.

And she realized that she hated feeling helpless, hated not knowing...

B'Elanna sat on the bed, stroking the soft material of the comforter
lightly. She looked around and finally noticed the stack of PADDs on
the night table. She reached over and picked up the top one, turning
it one.

"'Warrior Women at the River of Blood'," she said. The PADD clattered
from her hands to the floor, but she made no move to pick it up.

Her eyes focused on the small terminal on the desk. B'Elanna got up
and stood in front of it. She took a seat, inhaled deeply and tapped a
button. A second later a password field flashed onto the screen.
B'Elanna stared for a second and then she typed a few numbers. The
machine paused and then brought up another screen.

"The personal logs of B'Elanna Torres," she read out-loud. She saw
that the entries spanned almost seven complete years. The last one had
been recorded three weeks previously. "Computer, play last log entry."

A second passed before B'Elanna heard her own voice.

"I don't know how long I can keep this ship together. Every day, it's
something new. Today, all of the relays in grid nineteen A blew out. I
bypassed the grid and rerouted everything over to twenty and
twenty-one, plus wired in the B relay, but it's a temporary measure. I
had Icheb run diagnostics at least a thousand times. He tells me all
systems are running well within specified parameters, but I told him
to go ahead and plan on running the tests every morning for the next
seven days, just to be sure. He doesn't like the idea, but I insisted.
Icheb doesn't know Voyager the way I do and you can never be too
careful. The ship has a tendency to overload when you least expect it,
especially since we constantly divert power and plasma flow through
conduits and wiring that can't possibly support the high resistive and
voltage levels. Tom tells me that I'm too stressed and that I need to
calm down. He says it isn't good for the baby, and I know he's right,
but I can't help worrying. If something goes wrong on this ship, I
have to fix it. Damn. I hate red alert. If it isn't one thing, it's
another. End log."

B'Elanna sat very still for a moment and then said, "Computer, replay
last ten seconds of the log."

She listened to the red alert klaxons again. She had a vague
recollection of running down a corridor, of smoke, and increasing
radiation levels.

... evacuate, we must evacuate. Radiation levels are approaching
lethal levels.

... understood, Lieutenant. Evacuate your area and set the escape pods
on course for the closest M-class planet.

B'Elanna took a deep breath and then requested, "Computer, play first
log in database."

"Starfleet. Thought I'd finally gotten away from the claustrophobia of
their rules, their regulations, and even their stupid uniforms. But
here I am. I'm wearing yellow. I don't even know what that means.
Well, I do. It means that Chakotay has given in. We've fought for so
long against this... and now, we're accepting it. Chakotay tells me
that this is the best decision, that we all need to work together to
get home. Even if it means accepting Starfleet again. They didn't want
me the first time, why would they want me now? End log."

It was eerie to listen to her own voice recording events that she did
not remember. But B'Elanna was desperately glad that she had found the
logs; at least, it had given some validity to the claim that she did
indeed belong here and that she wasn't usurping someone else's life.

She listened to her logs for almost two hours and then got up from her
chair. She walked around, again taking in all of the little objects.
She paused in front of the television and picked up the remote
control. She pressed "Power" and the television blinked on.

... jingles. Confusing, I know, but I left them in for authenticity.

B'Elanna gripped the remote tighter. She remembered Tom lying on the
floor and waking up with a nightmare. He had turned off the television
and pulled her into his arms. Told her that he had had enough for one
night.

B'Elanna dropped the remote and went back to the terminal. The
television continued to play in the background, but she didn't pay any
attention.

"Computer, download personal logs of Thomas Eugene Paris, security
authorization Torres Beta Nine."

The computer beeped back an acknowledgement and B'Elanna picked up the
PADD containing Tom's logs. She stared at the PADD for a long time,
knowing that she was about to violate a confidence.

"But we're married," she reasoned out-loud. "No secrets, right?"

And B'Elanna began to read.

---

She started at the beginning, fast-forwarding through some of the more
dull logs - the ones that described in excruciating details the things
Tom had had for breakfast. A few of the logs recounted his pursuit of
the Delaney sisters and there were some brief mentions of Kes.

... they were on the holodeck, with the Doctor, eating dinner.

... they're kind of perfect, Kes said.

... they're ridiculously perfect, B'Elanna had countered.

B'Elanna rubbed her eyes. She felt increasingly weary and a bit guilty
about this intrusion into Tom Paris' life.

"Doctor to Torres."

B'Elanna blinked and then said, "Torres here."

"How are you feeling... Lieutenant?"

"I'm- I'm doing well," B'Elanna answered. "Tired, but I'm okay."

"Are you remembering?"

"A little bit. Bits and pieces. Nothing coherent."

"Don't worry. It will come back to you."

"I hope so," B'Elanna answered. She stared back down at the PADD and
the mustard colored letters blurred in front of her eyes. She got up
from her chair and paced the length of the quarters. Back and forth,
back and forth and then pausing in front of the sofa.

... I can't concentrate on sensor readings right now!

... Try!

... I can't! Stop pushing me! I don't want your help!

Remembering Tom lying on the sofa, remembering the anger directed
towards her, convincing herself that he really didn't mean it, that it
was all a result of that... Memorial.

Suddenly, she was very afraid of the random thoughts that kept
intruding on her mind. She grabbed the PADD off the desk and left the
quarters.

She found the Mess Hall with no problem and she was amazingly proud of
herself for this achievement. As she settled herself on the sofa, she
recalled Neelix's words to her earlier.

"See? You do know this ship," he had said.

And she was starting to admit that he was right, however disconcerting
this feeling was.

Now comfortable on the couch, she continued reading Tom's logs. His
logs amused her on occasion, especially the ones detailing various
pranks he had played on others. Some of his logs were more serious
musings on everything from the Vidiians to the state of his
relationship with his father.

... you can assume that he said he was proud of you and that he loves
you.

And then there was her, B'Elanna. Her own logs had been curiously
distant on the subject of Tom Paris; he figured in her narration only
as part of a day's activities, and how she felt about Tom, well,
apparently she had never committed that to her logs. But Tom... he was
more forthcoming than she would have expected, especially given what
she knew of him as a waiter.

B'Elanna inhaled deeply as she continued reading.

"You don't realize how much you appreciate someone until she's not
around. Damn. I miss her. Tuvok is unsympathetic. Hell, he doesn't
even notice Noss and how she hangs on every word of his. It surprises
me, yes, that she could be so attracted to him and it bothers me that
Tuvok doesn't seem to care a bit for her. I've been counting days and
each day is longer than the one before. I've been playing a game,
trying to remember different things about B'Elanna. Everything from
the way she parts her hair right down the center to how she reads in
bed before we go to sleep. Every day, I add a new thing to the list.
I'm afraid, if we're here much longer, I won't remember her anymore.
So I've been replaying our last moments together in my mind - the way
she smiled at me when I left. A sneaky smile, one that promised me
unspeakable things on my return. Damn. I- I didn't want to need her."

B'Elanna paused in her reading when she smelled something. Something
familiar. She looked up to see Neelix approaching her, carrying a
tray.

"Smells good," B'Elanna told him as he put a plate down in front of
her.

"Pancakes with maple syrup are your favorite breakfast," Neelix said.
B'Elanna nodded; she knew, somehow, that this was true. B'Elanna
indicated the seat next to her and Neelix sat down.

"You know, sometimes food is like 'time travel.' You inhale an aroma,
take a bite of something and suddenly - BAM! - you're back at the
moment you first tasted it."

B'Elanna carefully cut a piece of pancake, spearing it with her fork.
She chewed slowly, savoring the taste. She nodded.

"They're good," she said wryly. "But I'm not experiencing time
travel."

Neelix sighed and then pointed at the PADD.

"What are you reading?"

"Personal logs."

"Do you remember recording any of them?"

B'Elanna shook her head. "They're not mine. They're Tom's."

"Those are supposed to be private."

B'Elanna shrugged her shoulders, feeling that immediate tinge of guilt
again. She had thought she would only read a few of the logs, but
she'd gotten so caught up in Tom's thoughts, that she had kept going.

"Well, he's my husband," she said uncertainly.

Neelix smiled. "What do they say?"

B'Elanna grinned back at him.

"They're private," she said. She noticed that Neelix was looking
anxiously at her and she felt the sudden need to share a little of
what she had read with him. "But the way he describes me...." Her
voice drifted off as a lump formed in her throat.

"He loves you."

B'Elanna glanced back down at the PADD, trying not to react too
strongly to Neelix's words. Back on Quarra, she hadn't even thought of
love, had mildly contemplated a flirtation with Tom, but for the most
part, had some vague impression of a man who had left her. A man who
had not loved her. She had reconciled herself to that idea for the
most part, but here Neelix was sitting next to her, telling her that
those minor truths, the ones she had created, were, in fact, lies.

Tom loved her. She knew it, and had only needed Neelix to validate
verbally those things she had read on the PADD.

"I guess so," she said hoarsely.

"How do you feel?" Neelix asked with concern.

"It's still a little foggy."

"The 'fog' should lift as soon as the Doctor finishes your
treatments."

"Yeah," B'Elanna said. She was not looking forward to going back to
the Doctor, especially after what Neelix had told her about the
vocalization treatments. Then she realized that even if she got her
own memories back...

"But what about the guy who recorded these logs?" B'Elanna asked
abruptly.

"We'll get him back. The rest of the crew, too," Neelix responded
confidently.

B'Elanna nodded. She certainly hoped so. After everything she had read
and seen...

"You should finish," Neelix said, indicating the plate of pancakes.
"Keep your strength up."

She glared at him but then softened when she saw the kindness in his
expression.

"You- you have been very nice to me," she said softly. Neelix patted
her hand gently.

"We're glad to have you back, B'Elanna. The ship, it isn't the same
without you or the others."

B'Elanna laughed. "I can see that," she said. "Are there a lot of
people on the ship?"

"One hundred and forty."

"That is a lot."

"It feels empty without everyone, but don't worry. Chakotay is still
down on Quarra. We'll get everyone back."

"I hope so." She glanced back down at the PADD. "Neelix, there was a
subspace mine, wasn't there? That's why we had to abandon ship?"

"That's what the Doctor says, yes."

B'Elanna frowned. "Sensors never picked up the mine. I don't know how
we possibly missed it and I remember thinking as we escaped in the
pods that I needed to double-check that system when the radiation
finally cleared up and we could return. I don't remember anything else
after that. Only getting into the pods and making sure that Tom and
the others were all right."

"I think you were captured shortly after that," Neelix said. "Anything
else?"

B'Elanna nodded. She could almost smell the smoke in Engineering,
could almost hear the klaxons and see the readings on the console
spitting out radiation level recordings. Then the cramped voyage in
the escape pods, sitting with Carey, Ayala and Tom; reaching over to
touch Celes' burned arm while Tom pulled out the medkit.

B'Elanna nodded. "Many of the crew had radiation burns, including the
Captain. Some of them were quite severe. The Quarrans must have
treated those. Nice of them, I suppose."

"A minor point in their favor?" Neelix asked.

"No, just something I think I remember."

"You seem to be doing a lot of remembering. That's good."

"It's not enough. There's still a lot that doesn't make sense to me."

"Eat," Neelix said as he got up from his seat. "That will help. And be
patient. It will come to you soon."

"Neelix?" B'Elanna asked.

"What is it?"

She smiled at him, almost shyly.

"Thank you," she said. "For everything."

"You're welcome."

"Doctor to Torres."

B'Elanna sighed. "What is it?"

"You're late. You were supposed to be here thirty minutes ago to
resume your treatments."

"Sorry. I got so caught up in what I was doing, I forgot. I'm on my
way. Torres out."

B'Elanna regretfully turned off the PADD; she would finish reading
later.

---

"You have calmed down considerably," the Doctor said as he examined
B'Elanna. "That's a good sign. I take it you're getting used to your
surroundings."

B'Elanna looked at his tricorder nervously.

"How does that say I'm doing?" she asked.

"Says you're doing fine."

"What about the baby?"

"She's doing fine also."

B'Elanna breathed a sigh of relief and the Doctor looked at her in
concern.

"Were you concerned about something in particular?" he asked.

"No, I mean, I don't know. What if whatever these... Quarrans did to
me, what if it affected the baby?"

"The baby is fine. Don't worry."

"Back on Quarra, I didn't have a doctor," B'Elanna said. "It didn't
even occur to me to find one until Tom introduced me to a couple who
were expecting their first baby and then... then I was back here."

"It's all right," the Doctor said soothingly. B'Elanna slid off the
biobed.

"I'm remembering more and more. Snatches of conversations or
sometimes, entire scenes," she said.

"That's progress."

"It feels real. I do feel that I'm a part of Voyager. On Quarra, I
didn't even know how I got anywhere. It was odd. I don't like feeling
that lost."

"Hold still," the Doctor said. He pressed a hypospray against
B'Elanna's neck. "I've been monitoring your engramatic activity and
already, I've seen considerable improvement. I have to say,
Lieutenant, your situation has given me great difficulty."

"I'm sure you can write it up as an academic paper when we return to
the Alpha Quadrant," B'Elanna answered. "After you secure your
position at Headquarters, of course." She paused and looked at the
Doctor in surprise. "I knew that. I mean, is that true? Isn't that
what you want to do when we get back?"

The Doctor nodded and checked his tricorder yet again.

"Well, congratulations," he said. "The regenerative took effect more
quickly than I thought. It looks like your neural patterns are almost
back to normal. Welcome back, Lieutenant."

"It's good to be back," B'Elanna said and realized that she
appreciated those words in a way she hadn't thought possible.
Impulsively, she leaned over to hug the Doctor. He beamed back at her.

"I- I know I didn't make it easy-" she began.

"You've never been an easy patient, Lieutenant."

"I know, I know." B'Elanna held up a hand. "I appreciate you keeping
after me. You and Neelix both."

"You're welcome. Again."

"Um, now that I'm back to normal, Harry needed some help in
Engineering-"B'Elanna paused as she slid off the biobed.

The Doctor nodded. "As long as you feel up to it."

B'Elanna looked the Doctor squarely in the eye. "We've got to get the
others back. You know I can help."

---

She opened the closet and pulled out the first uniform she put her
hand on. For a contemplative moment, B'Elanna sat on the bed,
fingering the synthetic material.

... who is she to make those decisions for us?

B'Elanna blinked.

... I hate this uniform. It's- it's not for me.

She had left the closet door open and could see the other uniforms
hanging there, including the red ones. Tom wore red, she wore yellow.
She hated that such rudimentary facts came as epiphanies, ones for
people like the Doctor to use to monitor her progress.

She dressed and then took a quick look in the mirror. She looked
normal. Looked exactly like she had on Quarra. But the feelings - her
feelings now - were entirely different. Not so useless now, not so
lonely.

"Computer, locate Ensign Kim," she requested.

"Ensign Kim is on the Bridge."

Apparently Harry had finished with whatever he was working on in
Engineering, B'Elanna thought. A good sign and she trusted Harry's
work; he tended to be as detail-oriented and precise in his
calculations as she was.

B'Elanna stepped out into the corridor and headed for the turbolift.
When she entered the Bridge, she paused briefly, noting Harry at the
Helm, the Doctor occupying Janeway's chair and Neelix at Ops.

"B'Elanna?" Neelix asked.

B'Elanna offered him a smile. "I thought you could use a hand."

Neelix didn't look convinced.

"Is it all right?" Neelix questioned the Doctor. The Doctor nodded.

"I hereby declare her medically fit for duty," the EMH announced.

Harry grinned as B'Elanna passed by him.

"It's good to have you back," Harry told her. Before B'Elanna could
answer back, Neelix's console beeped.

"We're being hailed," Neelix said. He pressed a few buttons before the
viewscreen pulled up with a fuzzy image of Janeway.

"Starship Voyager?" Janeway asked.

"Captain," Neelix said.

Silence, as loud as it possibly could be, descended on the Bridge. On
the viewscreen, Janeway looked visibly uncomfortable.

"Why don't you just call me Kathryn?" the Captain suggested.

"Yes, ma'am," Harry answered awkwardly. "Where's Commander Chakotay?"

"Hospitalized," Janeway answered flatly. B'Elanna flinched at the
thought. What the hell was going on? First their memories were erased
and now Chakotay was in the hospital...

"He told me you have proof of who some of us really are," Janeway
continued. Harry looked at B'Elanna and she nodded in silent
agreement. She stood up.

"We do," B'Elanna said gently.

Janeway's eyes widened in surprise. "You're the woman who was
abducted..." she said.

B'Elanna nodded. "Chakotay was supposed to deactivated the shield
grid...so we could transport you and the others to safety."

"That's why he wanted to get back to the plant," the Captain said.

"If you could find a way to shut down main power, the shield grid will
go down too," B'Elanna said.

"Will you help us?" Harry asked.

Janeway didn't seem convinced; B'Elanna didn't blame her. The whole
situation was too strange, too unbelievable to swallow all at once and
only a few hours ago, B'Elanna had been wary of these people also. She
opened her mouth to speak, but the ship shuddered and B'Elanna fell
forward against her console.

"We're under attack! Three ships!" the Doctor exclaimed.

"I'm remodulating shields now!" B'Elanna cried back as she regained
her balance. In front of them, the image of Kathryn Janeway was
rapidly being replaced by static.

"Please shut down the grid!" Harry exclaimed just as the picture
finally fizzled out. "Damn! Do you think she heard us?"

"No time," B'Elanna said as she worked furiously to reroute power.
"We'll have to try again later."

"I'm taking evasive actions now. Maybe I can avoid them detecting us,"
Harry said over his shoulder.

"The ships are charging their weapons," the Doctor exclaimed.
"B'Elanna?"

"I'm on it!" B'Elanna shot back.

"Neelix, get ready to fire on my mark."

The ship jolted again and the lights flickered.

"So much for evading their sensors," Harry said ruefully.

"The only way they could've found us is if they knew exactly where to
look!" the Doctor exclaimed. B'Elanna felt a tinge of pity for the
hologram; he seemed unusually flustered.

The ship rocked again, this time causing another console to spark.
B'Elanna scrambled to her feet and ran a quick diagnostic.

"Transporters are off line!" she reported.

"We're losing shields!" Neelix announced.

"Any 'advice' from your tactical database?" Harry asked in a sardonic
tone of voice which made B'Elanna wonder what she had missed.

The Doctor looked uncomfortable, almost pathetic, as he answered,
"Nothing relevant."

"How many escape pods do we have left?" Harry asked.

B'Elanna checked the status logs.

"Five," she replied.

"Stand by to eject three of them," Harry said as he turned his
attention back to his console.

"I don't think abandoning ship is the answer," the Doctor objected.

"Neither do I," Harry said. "Can you create a dampening field around
the Briefing Room that'll mask our life signs?"

"I believe so. Why?"

"Watch and learn."

"What are you doing?" Neelix asked in fascination, but Harry ignored
him.

"When you're ready, Harry," B'Elanna called from her station.

"Ejecting pods now," Harry said. "Tell me when they're clear."

They waited a minute before Neelix confirmed that the pods were indeed
away from Voyager.

"Now what?" the Doctor asked.

"You stay here," Harry said as he got up from his seat. "We'll be in
the Briefing Room."

"You're leaving me alone?"

"That's the idea," Harry replied. B'Elanna caught up to her friend.

"I don't know, Harry," she said.

"This will work," Harry grinned. "Now, Doc, all you have to do is
pretend to be alone. And when you are hailed, press this button here."
He pointed to a small yellow key on the Doctor's armrest.

"And what does it do?" the Doctor asked.

"Trust me," Harry said cockily. "It will be explosive."

Harry ushered Neelix and B'Elanna off the Bridge.

"You think this will work?" Neelix asked.

"Of course," B'Elanna said with confidence she didn't feel. She wanted
to be able to trust the EMH's ability to bluff, but he seemed so
bewildered by the idea of command; it seemed like a harsh lesson to
learn that subroutines couldn't quite take the place of intuition. And
for some reason, Harry seemed to take command very easily. By instinct
almost...

They settled themselves into their usual seats around the Briefing
Room table. Through the windows, they could see the three ships that
had fired on them.

"At least they aren't attacking us anymore," Neelix said.

"Thank God," B'Elanna said. She pressed her fingers to her forehead.
Harry glanced at her in concern.

"Are you feeling all right, B'Elanna?"

"I'm fine. Really," she assured him. "It's been-"

"Doctor to Ensign Kim. I believe the plan is a success."

Harry grinned at B'Elanna and Neelix.

As they entered the Bridge, the Doctor turned to face them.

"Bravo, Ensign!" the Doctor exclaimed.

Harry nodded as he turned to B'Elanna. One problem solved, another one
left to go.

"B'Elanna, we need those transporters," he said urgently. B'Elanna
nodded and quickly set to work on her console. If she could realign
the power matrices and reroute-

"The shield grid's failing!" Neelix shouted.

"B'Elanna?" Kim asked anxiously. B'Elanna's fingers flew over the
console.

"Transporters coming on line..." she paused as she checked a quick
reading. "Now!"

"Get them up here," the Doctor ordered. Harry nodded.

"Sounds good to me," he said. "Locking on now."

B'Elanna continued to check the power; her fix was the type Tom would
refer to as "bubble gum and string," but it would have to do. Once the
crew was on board safely, she would work on making the transporters'
power flow consistent with Starfleet guidelines.

---

B'Elanna waited only as long as politely necessary before heading to
Sickbay. She knew that her future held several weeks of double-shifts
while they put Voyager back together again, but she figured that for a
few hours, the repairs could wait.

She entered Sickbay and immediately spotted Tom. He was sitting on a
biobed, looking down at a tricorder. B'Elanna noticed Janeway, Seven
and Tuvok among the others milling around. Carefully, B'Elanna brushed
past a few of her fellow crewmembers, very aware of the disorientation
they must be feeling.

"B'Elanna!" Tom exclaimed when he saw her. "You're here." Tom laid
slight emphasis on the word 'here.' "I was worried about you."

B'Elanna smiled at him and then looked at the Doctor who shook his
head slightly at her before turning his attention back to Naomi
Wildman.

"They told me about your disappearance. I shouldn't have listened,
should have-"

"Don't worry about it," B'Elanna cut him off. "What matters is that
you are here, that we are here."

"I heard the stories," Tom said grimly. "About what they did to us.
I'm afraid I'm having a hard time believing all of it. But I saw the
evidence, so it must be true. Right?"

"I know the feeling," B'Elanna said. She took his hand in hers and was
very relieved when Tom didn't pull away. "I remember everything, and
you will too."

He flashed his cocky grin at her and B'Elanna felt instantly better.
She could see some of her Tom radiating back at her in that smile.

"Does it take very long to... remember?" he asked.

B'Elanna shook her head. "No," she answered. "The Doctor came up with
a protocol that works quickly. But, when you don't remember anything
and everyone insists that this is where you belong, it feels like a
long time."

"I can understand that." Tom glanced down at their intertwined hands.
"I'm glad that... I'm glad you're not alone, B'Elanna. I worried-"

"I know," she said soothingly. "I know."

The Doctor approached them, holding a full tray of medical equipment
in front of him.

"You're next, Mr. Paris," he said. "I will need your assistance to
restore everyone else's memories once you've recovered your own."

"At your service," Tom answered gallantly, but he didn't take his eyes
off B'Elanna. B'Elanna released Tom's hand.

"I'll be waiting for you," she said softly. "At home."

---

B'Elanna took Naomi Wildman, who had completely recovered her memory,
to the holodeck for a Flotter program while the Doctor and Tom worked
to heal the rest of the crew. Naomi skipped a few steps ahead of
B'Elanna, pausing only in front of the holodeck for a brief moment
before beginning a hop-skip Naomi-original dance. B'Elanna punched in
the code for the holodeck and a second later, the doors opened to
reveal the blue and purple world of Flotter.

Naomi took a step inside and then looked back at B'Elanna.

"I don't know if I like this," Naomi said.

"You do," B'Elanna said. She stepped into the holodeck and then turned
back to face Naomi. "You spent hours here with Neelix. Sometimes Tom."

Naomi looked confused and B'Elanna wondered for a moment if the
treatment hadn't worked.

"You do remember Tom and Neelix, don't you?" B'Elanna asked anxiously.
Naomi nodded.

"Of course," she said. "I just don't remember this." She pointed into
the holodeck and B'Elanna let out a sigh of relief. She could
understand Naomi's bewilderment. Even now, some things were still hazy
and the Doctor had told B'Elanna that it could be some time before her
memory was completely recovered.

"It's strange, isn't it?" B'Elanna asked. "You remember some things
but not others?"

"Yes," Naomi said. "Do you want to know something?"

"What?"

"When my mom was missing..." Naomi looked at B'Elanna. "I remember
that. I mean, I didn't remember her, but I felt like she was missing.
I remember that feeling and I didn't like it at all. I like...
knowing."

B'Elanna laughed. "So do I," she said. "Well? Do you want to go in?"

Naomi shook her head. "I don't think I want to do this."

"Okay. Well, then, we'll find something else to do then," B'Elanna
said. "Computer, end program." She looked at Naomi, unsure of what to
do with the child. Somehow, she had never made time for Naomi the way
Seven, Tom and Neelix had. There was something curiously alarming
about a child and B'Elanna had never been quite sure about how to
approach Naomi. "Well, Naomi, what would you like to do?"

"I want to see the ship," Naomi answered promptly. B'Elanna smiled.
This she could handle.

"It's quiet, isn't it?" B'Elanna asked as they started down one
corridor. "Just imagine, soon the Doctor and Tom will have everyone
else up and around, including your mother, and it'll be like before."

"I can't wait," Naomi said. "When I saw my mom, she didn't recognize
me."

"Her memory was erased, just like yours, but she will remember you
soon. Don't worry."

"I hugged her, but she didn't hug me back."

B'Elanna didn't answer; she had seen the newly recovered Naomi rush
into her mother's arms. Samantha Wildman hadn't been exactly cold to
her daughter, but she had pushed the child away. That was when
B'Elanna had stepped in and offered to take Naomi. Despite Naomi's
obvious intelligence and preciousness, the child had had difficulty
grasping exactly what had happened. B'Elanna could understand that.

"The people I stayed with, they were nice," Naomi volunteered. "They
had a yard and a dog. I mean, it was something that looked like a dog.
Her name was Sadia."

"That's a nice name," B'Elanna said.

"I liked playing with her," Naomi said wistfully. "Those people, I
thought - I thought they were my parents."

"Were they good to you?"

"I think so, but I missed my mom. I didn't know I missed my mom, I
just knew I was missing someone."

"I know that feeling too."

"I went to school," Naomi said. "It was different. It wasn't just me
and Neelix or me and Seven. There were other children there too. They
were nice."

"You must have had fun with them."

"We played games," Naomi answered. "There was this one game, you had
to kick the ball through the goal. If you did, your team got a point."

"Sounds like you had a good time."

"It was fun," Naomi said. She looked up at B'Elanna and then slipped
her hand into the engineer's. "I liked the other children."

"You made friends," B'Elanna said gently. "With people your own age."

"I like everyone here-"

"I know," B'Elanna said. She didn't mean to cut Naomi off so curtly,
but she didn't want to hear what Naomi would say next. She remembered
discussing their baby with Tom, voicing her worry that a starship,
especially one lost in the Delta Quadrant, wasn't the right place to
raise a child. Tom had pointed out that Naomi was doing just fine and
B'Elanna had agreed. But now, those same doubts came back. What if
Chakotay and Neelix hadn't found them on Quarra? Naomi would have been
left with those people indefinitely, separated from her mother for the
rest of her life. B'Elanna shivered.

"I'm glad you enjoyed yourself," B'Elanna said. Naomi immediately
brightened. "You don't get that kind of interaction here on Voyager."

"It's not so bad now that I have Icheb," Naomi said. She sounded
almost convinced as she spoke and B'Elanna sighed. Icheb was older,
quite a bit older, and one day, perhaps, he would not enjoy Naomi's
company as much as he did now.

"You don't have to justify anything to me, Naomi. You're - it's okay
to miss your friends."

Naomi sighed in relief.

"I was afraid it would be wrong," she said.

"No, no, not at all," B'Elanna said reassuringly. She thought of the
quiet life she would have lived on Quarra, a life that would have been
boring, but safe. Her child would have grown up and gone to school
with others her own age. Fresh air, not recycled air, and the warmth
of the sun rather than the artificial environments of the holodeck.
And there would be no red alerts, no ambiguity about what each day
would bring.

And it would have been a solitary life, one forever shaded in grays
and browns. Perhaps Voyager wasn't the right place for a child, but
B'Elanna knew with certainty that she wanted the warmth of her life
here.

Without even realizing it, the two of them had ended up back at
sickbay. As they entered, Samantha Wildman, seated on a biobed, looked
at them.

"Mom?" Naomi asked. Samantha nodded and said nothing, but held out her
arms. B'Elanna looked across the sickbay and her eyes met Tom's. He
said nothing, but the intensity of his gaze told her everything: he
remembered too.

---

She didn't know how long she had been watching him.

There was something curiously endearing about a grown man, sprawled
across a sofa, eating popcorn and watching animated figures run across
the screen.

B'Elanna Torres didn't understand why the coyote continued to chase
after the roadrunner after so many failures. Tom had tried to explain
it to her, but she had held up a hand, not really paying attention to
what he was saying, and Tom had given up.

But now as she watched Tom, she wanted him to explain it all over
again to her. The coyote ran off the screen and another cartoon came
on, this one featuring disproportionate figured animals and humans,
all of their antics eliciting laughter from Tom.

B'Elanna crossed the distance to the sofa, stopping at Tom's side; her
husband was intent on the television and didn't notice when she leaned
in to kiss him on the cheek. He did look up at her second kiss, a
gentle, longer one on his jawbone.

"What was that for?" he asked as B'Elanna settled down next to him.

"For taking care of me even when you didn't know who I was."

Tom offered her a smile, but then she punched him in the arm.

"What was that for?"

"For flirting with your customers," B'Elanna answered.

"I was a victim of mind control," Tom protested.

"Uh huh," B'Elanna said teasingly as she helped herself to some of his
popcorn. B'Elanna snuggled up to him, reveling in the feel of his
cheek against hers. "Likely story, Lieutenant."

"Really," Tom protested. "It didn't mean anything."

"Shhh," B'Elanna pointed to the television. "I want to see this." Tom
shook his head in amusement, knowing that B'Elanna didn't care for
cartoons as much as he did.

Tom looked at her strangely, but said nothing. For a few minutes, they
watched as the little human dropped various objects on top of a
dancing donkey. It was, in B'Elanna's opinion, faintly ridiculous, but
she enjoyed spending this quiet time with Tom.

"Did you have a good day?" Tom asked when the commercials came on.
B'Elanna winced at the sight of an apron-clad woman singing and
dancing as she scrubbed the kitchen floor.

"It was all right. There's a lot of work, more than I expected, in
Engineering," B'Elanna answered.

"You will take it easy?"

"Of course," B'Elanna said, knowing that she couldn't possibly slow
down, not now. Finally, she had managed to get the transporters
properly aligned and then in the morning, she planned to look at the
inverse transducers and the warp coil buffers. She shifted her
position, finally settling against the opposite armrest, and Tom
lifted her feet, rubbing them lightly.

"It certainly beats working at the Power Distribution Facility," she
said. "I think if I had spent another couple months there monitoring
fluctuations, I may have gone crazy. At least this challenges me and
keeps me engaged. That work was simply tedious, boring."

Tom didn't answer; his attention was back on the television now that
another episode of a cartoon was on.

"Which one is this?" B'Elanna indicated the television, but her
husband did not respond. She punched Tom lightly in the arm and he
looked at her.

"What did you do that for?" he asked.

"I was talking to you. Didn't you hear me?"

"Sorry," Tom said ruefully.

"Don't worry about it. What's this one about?" she asked.

"Nothing important. I'll turn it off."

"You don't have to."

"No, I want to," Tom answered. He pressed the power button on the
remote and then looked back at B'Elanna. "We have a lot to catch up
on, don't we?"

"Yeah," B'Elanna answered. She leaned her head against the back of the
sofa. Tom looked at her sympathetically, taking her hand in his. He
caressed her fingers and then played idly with the gold band, newly
replaced on her finger. The Quarrans had finally given them back their
personal possessions and for that, both Tom and B'Elanna were
grateful. Before getting the rings back, Tom had offered to replicate
new bands and B'Elanna had agreed, but had not voiced her feelings
that the new rings couldn't possibly take the place of the ones they
had lost. Thankfully, it had not been necessary.

"Tired?" he asked.

"A little."

"You looked tired... down there."

"It's okay to say it, Tom."

Tom's hands moved expertly up her calves. B'Elanna sighed in
contentment; she hadn't realized until this very moment how sore her
muscles were from all the day's activities in Engineering.

"Say what?"

"Quarra. You can say Quarra."

"I wasn't avoiding the word," he objected. "Does that feel better?"

"Yes. Thank you," B'Elanna said sincerely.

"I was worried about you when you disappeared. I don't know if I told
you. When the investigators came by and told me you were missing, I
was frantic with worry."

"Yeah?"

"I can't explain it really. Like you said earlier, I didn't even know
who you were but somewhere, in the back of my mind, I knew I cared-"

"Cared?" B'Elanna asked softly.

Tom went on, seemingly not hearing B'Elanna.

"When the investigators asked me questions, all I could think was that
I should have gone with you."

"That's sweet."

Tom sighed. "Sweet had nothing to do with it. What if something had
really happened to you? What if it hadn't been Chakotay? God,
B'Elanna, what if? I would have felt responsible, regardless."

"Don't think that way."

"I can't help it."

B'Elanna closed her eyes. She remembered her experience in emotions
rather than events. She recalled sitting on the bed in her small
apartment, staring at the door, and waiting. Simply waiting. She
hadn't felt that intensely alone since, well, since before the Maquis.

"B'Elanna?"

"What?"

"What are you thinking about?"

"Thinking how lucky we are that Chakotay and the others found us," she
said lightly. Tom reached over to intertwine his fingers with hers.

"We lost time," he said quietly. "Three weeks. Three weeks of our
lives."

"Something like that."

"If it had been longer, I would have missed - I would have missed the
baby."

B'Elanna looked down at their intertwined hands and shivered.

"Cold?" Tom asked and because she could feel a lump forming in her
throat, B'Elanna nodded. Tom got up.

"Let me get you a blanket," he said.

"Thanks."

B'Elanna leaned her head against the back of the couch, watching Tom
as he rummaged through the drawers. Like her, he had the occasional
moment of fogginess, where he couldn't quite remember something. To
remember so much yet to have those moments of blankness frustrated
both of them to no end. Finally, Tom found the blanket and held it up
to show her. B'Elanna smiled back at him.

"Crazy, isn't it?" he asked, but didn't say much more; B'Elanna knew
exactly what he meant.

"It'll get better," she told him gently.

Tom laid the blanket gently across her legs and then knelt down next
to her.

"I read your logs," she said. Tom looked at her in surprise. "When I
was trying to find out about us... you."

"Anything interesting?" his tone was light, but strained.

"I-" B'Elanna stopped. She felt guilty again now, but she wanted to
tell Tom about what she had done. "I'm sorry, Tom, I shouldn't have."

He sighed and then closed his eyes.

"No, no. It's all right."

"I- I didn't believe what they were telling me. I really did believe I
was waiting for the baby alone, thinking that the father had left me.
And then Neelix, he said - he said I was married. To you. I- I had a
hard time believing that. I mean, I could only wonder then what
someone like you who could have anyone at all would want with me-"

"Don't ever say that." Tom grabbed her hands in his. "B'Elanna, it's
all right. I don't mind that you read through my logs. Whatever makes
you remember, whatever makes you comfortable. That's what I want."

B'Elanna ran a hand through her hair. All around her, she could see
the little signs that signified the life she and Tom were building
together, from his toaster to his television, her bat'leths and
engineering tools, and of course, the crib in the corner. She felt
warm here, safe, even when her schedule conflicted with Tom's and she
ended up sleeping alone. Even then, she could put her hand on his
pillow and know that he would be next to her the following night.

"I hated being alone," B'Elanna said very softly. "It was dark, Tom.
Cold, dark, miserable. That's what I remember. Everything was gray.
And the steam. Remember all of the steam coming up through the ducts
in the sidewalks?"

"I remember that too. It rained a lot, didn't it?"

"A lot," she laughed. "The first day I stepped off the transport, I
think I got soaked to the skin. I ended up in the Infirmary my first
day on the job. And don't look at me like that; it wasn't serious,
Tom. Really."

Tom squeezed her hand.

"I'm sorry you were alone," he said.

"You- you made me feel less alone," B'Elanna told him.

Tom laughed. "The first time I talked to you, you didn't want anything
to do with me."

"When you were nice to me, I was suspicious."

"I got that impression," Tom said dryly. "Loud and clear. Some things
never change."

B'Elanna laughed. "You were... you were the Tom Paris who always kept
me off guard. The way you used to be."

"What do you mean by that?"

"The way you were when I first came onboard Voyager," B'Elanna said,
feeling increasingly flustered. "When I doubted your motivations, you
know, when you were nice to me."

"I don't like how that makes me feel, B'Elanna, to hear you say that
after all of these years."

"No, I mean, when you would stay when everyone else left. When you put
up with my bad moods because no one else would. I couldn't understand
because no one else cared enough to do that. You never- you were like
that on Quarra, Tom," B'Elanna said earnestly. "Very sweet. And kind,
very kind. And I had to keep reminding myself that I couldn't fall for
you."

"So you didn't fall victim to my charm again?" this time Tom's voice
held a hint of humor. "I suppose all of the good ones are worth
chasing after. Maybe in time, I would have convinced you."

"Maybe," B'Elanna said. "But I was pretty determined not to get
involved with anyone. Even someone as charming as you."

Tom was quiet for a moment, his expression pensive.

"What is it?" she asked.

"You would have been alone," he said. "I didn't think about it. Or you
might have found someone else..."

"Tom," B'Elanna said. "Please. We can't think like that."

Tom got up from his place on the floor and started to pace in front of
the sofa. B'Elanna watched him, not speaking. This wasn't the Tom she
knew, this was someone else entirely, and she wasn't sure how to deal
with this man, this changed Tom.

After a moment, Tom paused and looked back down at B'Elanna. She held
out a hand to him and he took it and she pulled him down onto the sofa
with her.

"Tom," she whispered. "What is it?"

"I'm just realizing all of the things I never thought of before," he
said. He pulled B'Elanna close to him, so that her head rested against
his chest. His arm snaked around her body and rested on her stomach.
"I didn't realize how much I have to lose now."

B'Elanna placed her hand against Tom's chest lightly, feeling so
secure in his arms around her.

"I know," she whispered. "I know."

---

The next morning, B'Elanna woke to Tom's singing in the sonic shower.
She stretched out lazily, her hands over her head as she listened to
his nonsense lyrics. She could only imagine what lullabies he would
come up with when their baby was born. Nothing terribly intelligent,
she was sure, and then she smiled.

A few minutes later, Tom came out, dressed in his uniform, his hair
neatly combed.

"Hi," he said. His tone was warm, almost caressing.

"Hi," B'Elanna answered. She held out a hand and he came to sit on the
edge of the bed, taking a second to lean over and kiss her on the
cheek.

"Sleep well?"

"Better than I have in weeks," she said sincerely. "It's good to be
back, isn't it?"

"It is," Tom said. He brushed a strand of hair away from her cheek.
"Are you hungry? I'll make some toast but then I'm due for my shift on
the Bridge."

A few years ago, B'Elanna would have bristled at his offer of
breakfast; the old B'Elanna was fiercely independent, didn't want or
need anyone to do anything for her. Now, with a calmness that grew out
of maturity and a sense of belonging, B'Elanna understood the
implications better. Tom wasn't insinuating she couldn't take care of
herself, he simply liked doing things for her. And to her surprise,
B'Elanna actually enjoyed his solicitous care.

How far we've come, she thought.

"B'Elanna?" Tom queried. "Toast or something else?"

"Toast sounds good, thank you," B'Elanna said. She smiled. "You always
know exactly what I want, don't you?"

"I try to keep you happy."

"And you do a very good job of it. Thank you."

"No, thank you." Tom leaned in for another kiss and then got up. "Full
day?"

"Oh yes. I'm meeting Carey and Seven at 0900 for a level one primary
diagnostic. Who knows what the Doctor did to this ship while we were
gone?"

"Do you really want to find out?" Tom teased as he popped a couple
pieces of bread into the toaster.

"You're probably right. Ignorance is probably better at this point."
B'Elanna curled up on the bed, pulling the blanket up over her
shoulders. "Tom?"

"What is it?"

"Are you - are you feeling all right?" she kept her tone even, hoping
that a note of concern did not creep though. Tom seemed like his usual
self this morning and certainly, he seemed to have vanquished the dark
mood which had haunted him last night. Still, B'Elanna knew that Tom
had a habit of shutting her out just when he needed her the most. He
was trying and she gave him credit for that. But still, she knew,
sometimes she would have to push him, just a little bit.

"I'm fine," he told her. "Don't look at me like that, B'Elanna. I mean
it."

"No worries?"

"I wouldn't say that. Anxiety comes with the job, you know?"

"You don't have to tell me."

"I was thinking, Tom."

"About what?"

"About whether Voyager is the best place to raise our baby."

"What are you saying?"

"It's just a thought."

"We've had this conversation before, B'Elanna. What other options do
we have?"

"I guess I'm just concerned about what kind of life our daughter is
going to have," B'Elanna said wistfully.

"I've told you before that our baby is going to have a great life."
Tom flashed a smile at B'Elanna, the one that said he knew that he was
irresistible. B'Elanna couldn't help but grin back at him. "Trust me
on this one, B'Elanna, okay?"

"If you insist."

"I do."

The toast popped up and Tom expertly spread peanut butter. B'Elanna
threw off the covers and padded over to him. Tom grabbed her around
her waist and kissed her.

"We're going to be fine," he told her. B'Elanna touched his cheek
lightly.

"I know," she whispered back, almost believing him.

"Your breakfast," Tom nodded towards the plate on the table. He pulled
out a chair for B'Elanna. She grinned at his courtesy and a flush rose
in his cheeks. "Do you have time to meet me for lunch today?" Tom
asked.

"I think so. I have to see the Doctor sometime today for a routine
check-up, but I think I can get away for a few minutes, provided Seven
doesn't continue her efficiency monitoring."

Tom laughed. "I don't pass muster with her here and I certainly didn't
on Quarra."

"I think 'erratic' is the word she uses in conjunction with your
name," B'Elanna said contemplatively. "But I suppose your
inconsistency keeps things interesting."

"Interesting," Tom said. "You once told me that 'interesting' wasn't
enough for you."

"Did I?"

"Does that mean you changed your mind?"

"Maybe." B'Elanna offered a smile back at her husband. She ate in
silence as Tom sat down on the couch to put on his shoes. The toast
finished, B'Elanna pushed her plate away and turned her chair so that
she was facing Tom.

"Tom?"

"What?"

"You know what you said last night? About having so much to lose?"

"Yeah."

"I- I never realized how much-" B'Elanna paused. Tom looked at her in
concern.

"What's the matter?" Tom asked. "Is something bothering you?"

B'Elanna swallowed hard and rested her chin on the palm of her hand.

"B'Elanna? What is it?"

"I hate to use a cliché, but you don't know what you're missing until
it's gone."

"I know that feeling," Tom answered. "Anything in particular?"

"No, nothing specific really. It's just I never wanted to need anyone.
When I was growing up, I did my best to push everyone away. I ran away
to the Academy and I didn't 'need' anyone there either and see what
happened to me. I suppose if I hadn't found the Maquis, I'd still be
running. Or maybe not. Who knows?" she was rambling now but didn't
care. "When I came on board Voyager, I certainly didn't want any of
you."

"You don't have to tell me that," Tom said. "I know. I was there,
remember?" He rounded around the table so that he was directly facing
B'Elanna. "I remember the way you were, B'Elanna, and I know how you
are now. A lot has happened, a lot of changes. And I - I don't think
there's anything wrong with confessing to wanting people who care
about you."

B'Elanna reached across the table and grabbed Tom's hand, remembering
that night in the restaurant when she had nearly cried and he had
comforted her. And she remembered what Tom had recorded in his logs.
"I didn't want to need her," he had said. Somehow, that cocky pilot,
the one with the ready quip and disarming smile, somehow he had become
the man she had married.

"I remember how you were," she whispered. "And I know how you are
now." And she held on to his hand, squeezing it, trying to make sure
that he was indeed here and that he wasn't going anywhere. After a
moment, she let go. Tom looked at her in concern.

"You're going to be all right?" he asked.

"I'll be fine," she told him.

"You're sure?"

"Yes. I'll see you at lunch," she said lightly. Tom nodded.

"At lunch then."

B'Elanna settled back in her chair after Tom left, her hand resting on
her belly. After a few minutes, she roused herself to get ready for
work.

Engineering needed her.

---

The End