The BLTS Archive - A Cultural Misunderstanding
by Sal (lak502000@yahoo.co.uk)

---

Warnings: None

Spoilers: None

Archive: Permission to archive granted to Entslash and T*M
and House of Tucker. Anyone else - please ask.

Beta: SueC

A/N: The result of a mad weekend with some of the Entslash
gang!

Some of the gang came for the weekend - we thought we might
do a round robin but we know how long it takes some of us to
write ::cough SueC and Sal:: that we decided to set a
challenge instead. So there should be five stories coming
eventually - and if any of the rest of the sibs feel like
joining it, that would be great.

The challenge:
First Line: I swear, Captain, It wasn't my fault this time.

And the story to include:

An animal (not Porthos)
A fruit (not pineapple!)
A movie reference/quote
A household appliance
A cultural misunderstanding

This is my short, rather fluffy response!

---

"I swear, captain, it wasn't my fault this time."

Trip Tucker was almost whining, which would be amusing
enough, Jonathan Archer felt, even without the black eye,
the headdress from which what looked like bunches of green
and black grapes were dangling, and the odd, obviously
alien, piece of equipment he was clutching in his hands.

Beside him Lieutenant Malcolm Reed was in a similar state,
with a cut lip instead of a black eye, but the overall
impression of mayhem experienced was clear. In fact, the man
looked as if he was in shock.

Archer sighed. The Disaster Twins strike again, he thought.
He managed to stop himself expressing the mix of
exasperation and amusement he was experiencing and asked
mildly, "Just start at the beginning - and don't leave
anything out."

The two men exchanged a look, and Reed almost squirmed.

"You want to know everything?" Tucker's voice went up an
octave.

Oh, this was obviously going to be good, thought Archer.
"Everything," he said firmly.

"Well," Tucker began, and launched into the details of their
latest escapade.

---

They had arrived at Skelpan II five days before, entering
orbit at the invitation of the planetary council. A number
of meetings and discussions later, and Earth had another
promising relationship building. Once the formalities had
been concluded, their hosts offered shore leave to the crew,
providing plenty of information on vacations spots, cultural
offerings and the best shopping. Even T'Pol had seemed
pleased when the Skelpan High Priestess invited her to a
retreat where long periods of meditation and fasting seemed
to be expected. Spirits were high and everyone would get
their chance for two days and an overnight stop on the
planet.

---

"Wow, would you look at this place." Tucker stared round in
awe. They were on a city street with wide pavements of a
silver stone and shimmering buildings in different muted
colours shot through with sparkling crystals that reminded
him of mica. It was absolutely beautiful.

Reed grunted in reluctant agreement and his friend sighed.
It had been hard enough to encourage the man to leave the
ship - in fact it had taken a direct order from the captain,
on Tucker's urging though Malcolm didn't ever have to know
that, to get him to take shore leave at all. The lieutenant
had reacted by sulking industriously throughout the journey
and his conduct was almost enough to make Tucker re-think
his original plan.

The outcome he was looking for was straightforward enough -
he wanted to wake up next to Malcolm Reed tomorrow morning;
preferably with some parts of his anatomy aching and other
parts wanting more. Developing a strategy to get to that
point was exercising him at the moment, and the current mood
he was subjected to was not helping his own temper.

"Malcolm!" He couldn't hide his exasperation.

A grey gaze flew to his face and then the man sighed. "I'm
sorry, Trip, really. It's just that every time I go on shore
leave it turns into a disaster. You'd have much more fun if
I wasn't here."

Tucker's soft heart was wrung. "You listen to me, Malcolm
Reed. I'm here with you because there isn't anyone else I
would rather be with right now." He had said more than he
intended, and probably with more passion than he should, but
he didn't care at this point. His reward was a shy grin.

"Really?" Reed asked.

"Honest Injun," Tucker replied, and though his tone was
solemn, his blue eyes were twinkling. The long look bestowed
on him by the other man led him to believe that his planned
seduction might not be as difficult to put into action as he
originally believed.

A couple of aliens jostled them, making them realise that
they had stopped in the middle of a busy street. "Sorry,"
Reed apologised automatically.

The alien blinked at him, the four eyes closing and opening
again in rotation. "You are strangers here," it said. The
translator worked perfectly, and they could hear the soft
burr in the voice. "You are from the Sol skyship?"

"That's right," Tucker acknowledged, "Our ship is called
*Enterprise*." He tried hard not to stare. The aliens
inhabiting this planet had evolved with a skin covering that
looked like soft feathers and while they had two eyes like
humans, there were also the extra two - one at each side of
the head. When you added in the long, thin nose, it gave
them a bird-like appearance. They also seemed to prefer
brightly coloured garments and moved in groups. There were
four others with this one, clustering around them and
looking at them with the same veiled curiosity that the two
humans were trying to hide. Tucker felt as if he was in the
midst of a flock of budgerigars.

"We are very pleased to meet you," another of the Skelpa
joined the conversation. "We watched your arrival on the
vidcast, but we did not think we would have an opportunity
to actually interact with aliens." There was a rustle of
movement through the group and the Skelpan continued.
"Please, I did not intend any offence."

Tucker smiled, but moderated the expression as they drew
back in some alarm and it was Reed who broke a suddenly
tense silence, "We are on your world, therefore we are the
aliens. That is a fact and does not give any offence. I
noticed you were concerned when my friend smiled. It is a
gesture we make that expresses emotions like happiness, or
when we are pleased to see someone. We smile often."

There was a palpable relaxation in the group around them.

"Forgive our alarm," the original Skelpan spoke, "Our major
prey animals have a similar expression. I am afraid it
elicits fear. Now we understand what it means it will not
concern us. My name is Tala, k'an of the t'larn."

Reed and Tucker introduced themselves and they spent a few
moments exchanging information on the structure of names and
titles on their respective planets.

One of the others broke in. "We are on our way to the
k'al'ak house to eat and commune. We would be delighted if
you would join us."

Tucker hesitated; it didn't really fit in with his plans for
the night, but Reed seemed to be enjoying the company of the
Skelpans and was already chatting quietly to one of the
smaller beings in the group. His whole demeanour had changed
from the sulky lieutenant earlier and Tucker decided he
could wait a little longer. After their recent exchange, he
was more sanguine about his chances with Malcolm Reed.

"We would be honoured to accompany you." He hesitated. "I
would ask you to remember that we are strangers and that we
do not mean any offence." He was picking his words with
care, recognising that he was moderating the speed of his
speech as well as his accent and he wondered if that made a
difference when they were using the Universal Translator.
"If we do something wrong, please correct us immediately."
He was aware of a grey gaze suddenly fixed upon him and
looked at Reed, flushing slightly at the respect so evident
in the lieutenant's expression.

There was a twitter of what they took to be excitement
amongst their new friends, and then they were borne along
among them. They did not have far to walk before they
joined other groups heading into one of the superb buildings
they had admired. Both men relaxed as they saw that groups
were being led to tables, and food was being served.

"It's a restaurant," Tucker muttered to Reed.

"Interesting that the UT didn't translate it as a
restaurant," Reed returned, but Tucker just shrugged. "We'll
have to tell them that we need to scan any food they serve
us to make sure they don't kill us by mistake," Reed
continued.

"Yeah, that would cause a bit of an incident." Tucker was
about to grin and then thought better of it. They were
already the centre of attention and the effect of his smile
was still fresh in his mind. Heaven knew what the reaction
would be if he grinned.

Over the next few hours they both began to relax. Their
hosts were congenial and the conversation was cultured and
broad ranging with the discussion centring on cultural
similarities and differences. Others stopped by to talk,
too, although Reed, ever observant, realised that it was one
person from each table, and that the original Skelpan they
had talked to seemed to be the leader of this little group.
He had assumed at first that they were all families, but as
the evening progressed he realised that there were different
types of groups in the room. It was bright and colourful and
loud, and the drink they were serving did not exactly cause
them to become drunk, but certainly eased tension - even in
hyper-aware and suspicious armoury officers. He sighed
happily and slumped against Tucker, pleased when the man
automatically slipped an arm around his shoulders. This was
turning out to be a very good shore leave indeed.

There was a twitter of reaction and Tucker beamed at his new
friends, then sobered slightly, "Have we done something
wrong?" he asked.

"Not at all, but we did not realise you were t'ak'an."

Reed frowned and poked at the UT.

"Sorry," Tucker responded after sharing a look of confusion
with his friend, "we're not sure what that means."

Another Skelpan was heading in their direction and suddenly
Tala was on his feet and executing a complex bow. The others
remained seated but crossed their arms over their breasts in
what was obviously a ceremonial greeting.

The Skelpan spoke to Tala in a low voice and then stood
aside, looking, if the two humans read the expression
correctly, very pleased with himself.

"What an honour," Tala almost squealed in obvious delight.
"Kata, k'an of the k'an has noticed you and has offered to
conduct the ceremony of k'oltan. How wonderful."

Reed was looking decidedly nervous, thought Tucker, and he
was a little hesitant himself. "What exactly do we have to
do?" he asked.

"It is nothing to be concerned about," Tala reassured them.
"It is a simple ceremony that will celebrate t'ak'an. It
would be wonderful to see it with all your new friends
here." He attempted a smile, which had most of the Skelpan
drawing back - and even unnerved the two *Enterprise*
officers.

"Sounds like some friendship ceremony or something -
shouldn't be a problem." Tucker muttered to Reed.

"Commander, are you sure about this?"

"Tell me, Lieutenant, in your opinion as Chief Tactical
Officer, do you feel we are in any danger here?" His tone of
voice made it quite clear that he was asking for a
professional opinion and would abide by Reed's decision.

Reed blinked in surprise and gave the question some thought.
"No, sir," he responded. "I don't believe we have anything
to be concerned about here."

"So for planetary goodwill?"

"Indeed."

Tucker turned to Tala, "We are honoured. Please tell us what
we have to do."

---

"So there was a lot of chanting and then they brought out
this drink. Didn't taste like much but it packed a hell of a
punch." Tucker paused in his narrative for a moment. "There
was lots of fruit being thrown about and they tossed these
damn bottles of drink all over the place. You know these
grape things really do taste like grapes." He appropriated
one from Reed's headdress and popped it into his mouth,
ignoring the looks from both the lieutenant and the captain.
"Anyway, Mr Reed, superhero here, dived for one of those
damn bottles and caught it in the face. I went to help and
slipped and kind of collided with his elbow." He shrugged,
and decided to ignore his captain's order and not to mention
the rather bacchanalian aspects to the celebrations. He
distinctly recalled a very passionate encounter with Reed
during a discussion of different mating techniques. The
memory of Reed moaning into his mouth as they kissed and
caressed one another was enough to send his blood south. The
demonstrations by the Skelpans had caused both men to raise
their eyebrows at one another. Some of their ideas were
definitely intriguing.

He jumped as an elbow connected with his ribs and Reed
glowered at him as if he was reading Tucker's mind and
disapproving heartily of what he found there. He coughed and
rounded off his explanation. "Just an accident; nobody's
fault this time." He beamed at Archer, clearly
well-satisfied with his explanation for their current state.

Reed took up the tale. "They made sure we got safely to our
hotel-" Where they had both collapsed, fully dressed on the
one bed and basically passed out, although their commanding
officer really didn't need to know that. "When we woke up-"
Curled around one another and very comfortable, despite the
thumping headache. "We got ready to come back. Tala and some
of his group turned up at the hotel with this-" And he
indicated the contraption Tucker was holding with some
puzzlement. "And these-" He pointed to the fetching
headgear. "And the PADD, escorted us to the shuttle and
wished us well."

The captain consulted the PADD, which Tucker had handed him
and ran it through the translation programme. He blinked.
"Do you realise what happened last night?"

His officers shook their heads.

"According to this - you got married."

There was a stunned silence and he almost heard the sound of
two jaws hitting the deck plating. He couldn't help it;
their expressions were priceless - he leaned forward, placed
his forehead on the desk and started to laugh, aware there
was a slightly hysterical note to his hilarity. Honestly, he
thought, when he finally wiped his eyes and looked up at the
two disgruntled and offended men, what other reaction did
they expect?

Managing to contain himself, he said, "It seems your new
friends appointed themselves as your family for the
ceremony. It's traditional for them to visit the newlyweds
on the morning after the wedding with a household gift and
wreaths of fruit that should be worn for the whole day." He
paused to control his amusement again and asked, "Well,
shall I talk to them about divorce proceedings?"

Well, thought Tucker, that explained Tala's insistence on
them wearing the wreaths when they accompanied them to the
spaceport, and the interest they had received from all the
Skelpans they had passed along the way. He considered
Archer's question realising the answer his captain was
expecting. He hesitated and looked at Reed. The Englishman
was standing very still, staring straight ahead, and all
expression had been wiped from his face.

Archer stared at the two men, picking up on the sudden mood
shift as it segued from amusement to tension and he waited
silently for the response.

"That depends on Malcolm," Tucker said, and his voice held a
tone Archer had not heard him use before. It was indulgent
and kind - and loving. "I'm happy with the way things have
turned out but if you want to change anything, Malcolm...?"

Reed turned a surprised gaze on the commander and there was
a moment's silence while he searched his friend's
expression. Then he smiled, and the happiness and delight
lit up his features. "Then we let it stand."

Carefully, Tucker set the appliance he was holding down and
reached out, pulling Reed into his arms. He grinned as he
felt the man's arms slide around his waist and then leaned
in to instigate the kiss, taking care to avoid the split
lip. Reed sighed and relaxed against him and neither was
aware of their captain chuckling, displaying his pleasure at
this development before he quitted the room and left the two
men alone.

When they surfaced again, Tucker smiled softly, not
troubling to hide what he was feeling. "I would have settled
for spending the night with you, darling. I didn't realise I
was going to have to make an honest man of you first."

Reed chuckled. "Why don't we visit sickbay, and then head
back to your quarters." There was a promise in the grey
gaze.

"Sounds like a fine idea," Tucker agreed. He turned to leave,
but was stopped by a hand on his arms.

The grey gaze was warm. "Trip, you know that was the best
shore leave ever. I had the time of my life."

Tucker grinned and rolled his eyes as he caught the
reference to a recent movie night offering and then he
followed Reed onto the bridge to make their way to the
turbolift. The bridge shift had changed since they had
entered the ready room.

"What on earth is that?" Ensign Travis Mayweather's voice
stopped them in their tracks. The young man's attention was
on the object Tucker was carrying.

Reed glanced around the bridge. They were the only two of
the senior officers still technically on leave and were not
due on duty until the next alpha shift. Which, he thought
with satisfaction, gave them almost twenty-four hours to
have a honeymoon. He grinned. "It's a sydon, Travis," he
said sweetly, aware that everyone's attention was on him.
"The very best vacuum cleaner Skelpan has to offer - nothing
picks up moulting feathers as well as this does."

"Why would you buy one of those? And why are you wearing
fruit?" Hoshi Sato was puzzled.

"We didn't buy it," Reed returned and Tucker distrusted the
wicked twinkle in his eye. "It was a wedding gift." He
grinned at the stupefaction on their faces. Even T'Pol
looked slightly stunned. "Come on, dear," he said to Tucker,
aware the man was desperately trying to retain his
composure. "I'm sure we can find some way to test the
suction."

---

The End