The BLTS Archive- Distant by Reesa (skbtf@mediaone.net) --- As we all know, Paramount owns the rights to Star Trek and anything and everything connected to it. Me, I got a knot in my stomach and a growing sense that I'm making a huge mistake posting this thing. Trust me, Paramount, you don't want to trade. Feel free to archive, but make sure my name stays on this. Special thanks to everyone who has written nice things to me about the two TSUs I wrote, which gave me the courage to post this. Extra special thanks for all the P/Q writers who gave this Q something to think about. By the way, I know that there are a lot of "you can't see me, but I want you" songs on the radio right now, but this story was inspired by one of my favorite songs, Stevie Wonder's "My Cherie Amour", which came out way back in 1969. --- I stand here, unseen, across the room and watch the great Captain Jean- Luc Picard talk to your little delegates, using all of your diplomatic skills to bring these two opposing sides together. You always think that somehow what you do is the most important thing in the universe. It's not. Trust me. What's really important is me. What I feel. What I want. What I need. After all, I'm Q. When we met all those years ago, what a fool I was. Surprised that I would admit it? Me too. I couldn't see you clearly. All I saw was a pathetic little specimen, who thought that he was a big fish in the pond. The Continuum made it my job to show you that this was no pond, but an ocean, and I was the shark. Watching you struggle not to drown during those early tests, I learned not just about humanity, but about you, Jean-Luc. The one being in the universe who excited, challenged, and intrigued me. Those early encounters set the parameters of our relationship. Loving, cherishing, and adoring you are not among them. However, annoying, teasing, and torturing you outright are on the list. Great place to start any type of relationship. I've toyed with going back to that beginning, of changing history. Resetting it until it works out just the way I want it to be. To start over with you. To greet you with warmth instead of disdain. To warn you of the test you needed to pass instead of giving it to you as a pop quiz. To begin a friendship that would lead into something deeper. I won't though, because no matter how real it would be to you, I would always know it was false. I don't think I could even fall in love with a Jean-Luc Picard that smiled at me in welcome when I appear on his bridge. That it wouldn't the "real" you. When I show up, you order me off your ship. That is my reality, and though I deny it, at heart, I am an honest being. I could not live in a lie. Not with you. Not when it matters so much. Too much. The multiverse is a big place, our relationship isn't always adversarial. I used to look in on other realities, the ones where we are together. I'd watch us in all the stages of our "relationship". The early courting stages where usually you would resist my efforts to seduce you, but somehow your desire and love for me overwhelmed your sense of caution. Or view of us later, when were "going steady", fucking our brains our every chance we get. Let me rephrase that, every chance that doesn't interfere with your command. In every other universe, I am always so careful not to interfere with you beloved Enterprise and devotion to the Prime Directive. In this matter, I would always bow to your wish. The mighty Jean-Luc Picard could never let himself be so carried away by passion that he would forget his sense of duty. Apparently, not even a god could accomplish that. Sometimes, I'd continue the torture and peer into our future. The universes where we are together, but you are still mortal, and I am at your side when you die; the ones where you and I have joined as one, immortal, never to be parted; or even the ones where we didn't stay together, but somehow remained the most important beings in each others lives. The last universe is, in many ways, the worst. To see a time when we could at least be friends while I live in a place where we can barely utter a civilized sentence to each other is sheer torture. I would be willing to settle for friendship rather than what we have between us now. Nothing. I can't look any more. When the other versions of myself would observe me watching, the look they give me is more than I could bear. It is a look of pity. They know what I am missing, and I cannot stand the knowledge in their eyes. When I look at them all I see is joy, contentment, and even serenity. When the other "Q" look in mine, they see sorrow, loneliness, and restlessness. I know what they see because that is what I see when I look at myself. I don't look at myself any more either. So instead I stay here watching perform your job, waiting for the Continuum to dredge up some new hoop for me to hold up for you to jump through. This time, I tell myself, this time will be the time. This time I will stop the torture. I will find a way to make you see me, not as just an omnipotent being and enemy, but as myself. As the one who wants to love you. --- The End