The BLTS Archive - Confessions
by Reanne Moreau (reannem1@att.net)

---

Star Trek Voyager and the characters are the property of
Paramount and no copyright infringement is intended.  Since
Paramount doesn't have the sense to do what I tell them ;-)
what their characters do is strictly my idea.  Feel free to
archive this.

This takes place early in the 3rd season, which is when I
got the idea.  I haven't tried to take into account what
happened later in the season.

---

She awoke slowly,  in semi-darkness illuminated by a few low
lights. A strong arm held her against the man's  body, head
on his shoulder, legs draped over his.  His warm hand was
softly stroking her face. She smiled and covered his hand
with  hers, realizing who was holding her.

"Tom."

"Captain, are you alright?"

Janeway sat bolt upright and cursed.  There was an
antimatter explosion going on in her brain.

"Take it easy Captain, you've probably got a concussion." 
He helped her lean back on his shoulder.

The captain slapped at her com badge.  "Janeway to bridge." 
Silence.

"Communications are out. Turbo lifts are out. *You've* been
out for the last five minutes.  I think we're stuck here for
awhile."

She looked around.  There were a couple of red emergency
lights working and the air was breathable, although tinged
with the smell of burnt insulation.  They were sitting
against the wall of the lift, facing the warped and buckled
door.  Thankfully, the ship had stopped rocking from the
phaser bolts that had been bombarding it.

"They've stopped firing."  She found that if she moved
slowly, she could sit up without her head trying to fall
off.

"The shot that knocked out the power was the last one.  We
must have disabled them the same time they hit us.  At least
we're still in one piece and I haven't heard any more alarms
going off.  Any idea who was shooting at us?"

She remembered just in time that shaking her head would be a
bad idea. "No.  Chakotay called me to the bridge, said we
were being fired on by an unknown vessel."  The lift had
dropped out from under as she stepped onto it.  She looked
up at the ceiling.  "Have you tried the escape hatch?"

"Yeah, and I wouldn't recommend it unless you want to get
fried. We're sitting near the bottom of the shaft with a
whole lot of  live wires piled on top.  The emergency brake
kicked in just in time."

She leaned back against the bulkhead next to him.  "I guess
we're stuck here until somebody comes to rescue us.  Damn, I
wish I knew what was going on out there."

"Whatever it is, Chakotay can handle it."

Janeway looked at him properly for the first time since
waking.  She saw with a pang of guilt that he was slightly
hunched over, holding his midsection with one arm.  His face
was barely more than a lighter shadow in the darkness.

"You're hurt."

"Feels like a couple bruised ribs, no major damage."  She
could almost feel the grin on his face.  "You landed on me."

"My apologies, Lieutenant.  Next time I'll try to be more
careful."

They sat in silence for a moment, listening for any signs of
a rescue effort.

"How did you know it was me?  When you woke up, I mean."

*I would know your hands anywhere.*  She remembered the way
he had gently caressed her cheek, brushing the loose hair
away from her face.

*Stop it, Kathryn.*

"I must have seen you when I got on the lift, as the last
phaser bolt hit."

Silence again.  She finally broke it.

"It looks like we're both going to end up in sickbay.  I
hope you didn't have any big plans for the evening."

"Not really.  Thought I'd leave the Delaney sisters to Harry
tonight."

"They'll be disappointed."

"I doubt it.  They've been telling me that I'm no fun
anymore.  All I want to do is hang out and play pool.  Their
idea of a good time is a little more ... strenuous."

"Don't tell me you've given up dating.  What would the rest
of us have to talk about if we couldn't gossip about your
love life?"

"Your love life for one thing."

"That's a short conversation."  She was glad he couldn't see
her blush. Janeway was perfectly aware that the crew was
still speculating on what had happened between her and
Chakotay on New Earth.

"Then I'm afraid the crew is going to be bored."  He paused,
as if not sure how much more to say, and continued quietly,
"You know, half the stories going around about me are just
rumors - most of which I made up. But lately the game seems
to be getting a little old."

The loneliness in his voice struck a chord in her own heart,
one that she usually tried very hard to ignore.  Janeway
deliberately resumed her bantering tone.

"I refuse to believe *all* of your exploits are fictional. 
Even your imagination isn't that fertile."  She knew he was
blushing from the way he turned his head and looked at the
wall.  He always looked away when something made him blush.

*When did I become so familiar with his gestures?*

Paris turned back to her and held up both hands in a
placating motion. "All right, I admit I haven't exactly been
a monk since I've been on board.  Especially at the
beginning."  His voice took on the cynical, smart-ass tone
that always made her want to slap him.  "I had a lot of
celebrating to do.  After all, it isn't every day that a man
gets out of prison and gets handed a starship to fly."

He paused, and his voice became softer, sincere.  "Captain,
I can't tell you how greatful I am to you for getting me out
of there ... and for trusting me with your ship."

"I know, Tom, and I've never regretted it, not for a
moment."  She heard his sigh, as if a weight had been taken
off of his shoulders. There was a lengthy silence.

Finally, he spoke again.  "You don't know how badly I needed
to hear you say that."

The impulse to reach out to him, to tell him other things,
was almost overwhelming.  Janeway clasped her hands around
one upraised knee. The headache that had receded to a dull
throbbing began to claw its way to the surface again.  There
were too damn many minefields in this conversation.

They listened to nothing for a while.

"You would have been fine, even without Voyager."

Paris laughed, humorlessly.  "I probably wouldn't still *be*
without Voyager.  Without you."  He took one of her hands
and squeezed it. "You do the knight in shining armor thing
very well."

"I know prison was hard.  I know the kinds of things that go
on, even in 'enlightened' Federation rehab centers.  But you
would have survived it. You're stronger than that."  She
sounded almost angry.

He shook his head and took a deep breath.  "That's not it. 
I can handle the things that happened in prison.  It's my
life after prison that I couldn't live with."  He groped for
a way to explain it to her.

"At night I used to watch the stars from my window.  When I
saw a shuttle flying by I would try to imagine myself into
the mind of the pilot, watching the Earth falling away, the
stars getting closer. That's what I couldn't stand to lose. 
I knew that after I got out no-one would trust me with a
ship again, that no-one would trust *me* again.  I would
spend the rest of my life without doing the one thing I was
made to do."  He paused for a breath to steady himself. 
"That's where I was when you found me."

"Tom ..." Janeway didn't trust herself to speak.  She
reached out and laid her palm against his cheek. Paris took
her hand in his own, hesitated, and brushed the back gently
with his lips, then returned it to rest on her other hand. 
A shiver ran down her arm and along her spine.

She collected herself with difficulty and turned toward him. 
"You've more than repaid any debt you owed to me.  If you
hadn't gone for help when the Kazon took Voyager we  would
have spent the rest of our lives on that godforsaken planet. 
What you did showed tremendous courage."

"Courage?  I was absolutely terrified."

"But you still did what had to be done.  The entire crew
knows how hard you fought to come back for us."

"What else was I supposed to do, stay with the Talaxians? 
Not a single one of them knows how to cook."

She kicked him lightly in the shin and laughed.  "Why do you
always have to crack a joke when someone tries to compliment
you?  If I say you're a hero, then dammit, you're a hero."

"I wouldn't dream of trying to argue with you."

"Seriously, Tom, you and the Doctor and Suder saved a lot of
lives."

He was quiet for a moment, remembering.  "The worst part was
not knowing what the Kazon had done to the crew after I
escaped.  I kept picturing the horrible things that might be
happening to you all.  You have no idea how relieved I was
to find out they'd only put you off the ship."

She spoke so softly that he could barely hear.  "That was
one of the worst moments of my entire life. At least when
the array was destroyed we still had a ship.  We still had a
mission and the hope of getting home some day.  When the
Kazon left us on that rock all I wanted to do was curl up
somewhere and die."  She shuddered as the memories came
flooding back. She had never admitted to anyone how close
she had come to falling apart that day.

Then Paris was moving closer, putting his arm around her
shoulders. "I know.  But you still kept everyone together,
made sure the crew didn't lose hope.  Harry said you refused
to believe that I was dead, that I wouldn't be coming back
with help."

"I had to believe that.  We all had to believe we'd get off
that planet."

"And I had to come back.  After all, you saved my life."

"And you gave mine back to me."

She couldn't help moving closer to the warmth of his body,
made no objection when his arm moved lower to encircle her
waist.  "I spent a lot of time on that planet watching the
stars."  *I know what it must have been like for him to
think he had lost them forever.*  "And then there you were,
filthy and exhausted and looking like you'd been through
hell."  She was close enough now that he could see her grin.
"You do the knight in shining armor thing pretty well
yourself."

He laughed.  "I promise I'll always come  riding to the
rescue whenever you need me, as long as you return the
favor."

"I promise."  She whispered the words against his lips as
they closed over hers.

He kissed her gently, sweetly, his lips barely brushing
hers, then traced their outline with his tongue, feeling
them part as she let out the breath she had been holding. 
Finally he returned to devour her mouth hungrily, exploring
her as her tongue flickered along his. Kathryn's hand came
up to cup the back of his neck as she pressed her body to
his. She could feel his heart pounding wildly.  Tom wound
one hand into her hair, giving up her mouth to trail kisses
along her jawline and down her neck.

"Kathryn ..."  A whispered plea, a confession of the months
of longing, the aching need to touch her, to say all the
things he had been holding back.

She moved her hands down his back, feeling the long lean
muscles beneath his uniform.

There was a resounding clang and thump from the roof of the
turbolift. Tom and Kathryn sprang apart as the voices of
their rescuers reached them.

"Everybody all right down there?"

"We're fine," Paris responded, when he was able to control
his breathing again.  "You guys have really great timing."

They retreated to opposite sides of the lift and waited in
silence.

---

The ship that attacked them was Vidian.  It had appeared
from nowhere and done serious damage just as Tuvok's
skillful aim, and a little luck, had found a weak point in
their shields.

Unfortunately, the Vidian ship had sent out a distress call
before it was destroyed.  Voyager spent the next couple of
days playing cat and mouse with the reinforcements while
trying to repair the damaged systems.  The Captain and Paris
had been on the bridge almost constantly.

Janeway had to admit that part of her enjoyed the adrenaline
rush of battle. This crew was the best she'd ever commanded,
including Tom Paris. He flew as if the ship were an
extension of his own body.  His long fingers danced
confidently over the controls as he put Voyager through
seemingly impossible maneuvers.  She loved watching his
hands coaxing the ship into ever more inventive moves,
orders and responses crackling between them.   Voyager
finally eluded their last pursuer in an astroid belt, but it
had been a close call.  The ship had sustained serious
damage, and would have to stop at a nearby planet for
repairs and shore leave for the overworked crew.

It was well into the ship's night before Kathryn finally
returned to her quarters after finishing a depressingly
large pile of damage reports  and collapsed on the couch,
not even bothering to turn on the lights.  She knew that she
would have to talk to Paris soon, but had no idea of what to
say to him.  She got up to read the message waiting on her
computer.

---

If there be any one can take my place And make you happy
whom I grieve to grieve, Think not that I can grudge it, but
believe I do commend you to that nobler grace, That readier
wit than mine, that sweeter face; Yea, since your riches
make me rich, conceive I too am crowned, while bridal crowns
I weave, And thread the bridal dance with jocund pace. For
if I did not love you, it might be That I should grudge you
some one dear delight; But since the heart is yours that was
mine own, Your honorable freedom makes me free, And you
companioned I am not alone.

Kathryn - Is there any hope?  I need to see you. - Tom'

--

She sat there in the darkness, reading the message over and
over again, remembering the touch of his lips, the warmth of
his breath on her skin. Finally she stood, straightened her
uniform and walked calmly to Lt. Paris' quarters.

---

Paris stood at the window of his living room staring blindly
at the passing starfield.  The Captain hadn't said a word
during or after their rescue except to dismiss him and
suggest that he go to sickbay to have his sore  ribs
checked.  (He hadn't been able to resist asking if she was
going to have her head examined.)  There hadn't been time to
say anything the last couple of days while the ship was in
crisis and as soon as his shift was over today, Tom had gone
back to his quarters to pace a hole in the carpet. He sent
the computer message and waited, remembering the way her
lips had burned under his, her body melting into every touch
of his hands.  Tom stopped and scraped his palms over his
face and through his hair, as if he could rub away the
memory.  The door chime rang for a second time before he
heard it.

"Christina Rossetti is one of my favorite poets."  Kathryn
leaned on the doorjamb, smiling slightly and searching his
face with bright eyes.

"I couldn't find the right words, and I sure as hell
wouldn't have the guts to say them to you."  Tom was turning
an adorable shade of red and looking at anything except his
captain.

Despite the nervous flutter in her stomach, Kathryn couldn't
resist grinning wickedly and remarking as she walked past
him, "You know, I could feel you blush in the dark."

Watching his face out of the corner of her eye, she took a
seat on the couch and curled up against the arm.  "We have a
lot of things to talk about."

Tom managed to gather his wits enough to remember what he
wanted to say. "If you don't mind, I'd like to go first;
there are some things I've been wanting to say for a long
time and I need to get them off my chest."  He perched on
the arm of a chair a safe distance away.

Kathryn nodded her consent.

He took a deep breath, looked away for a moment and began,
"I've been running away from things most of my life.  I ran
into space to get away from home, ran from the truth after
Caldik Prime, then straight to the Maquis to escape from the
whole mess.  I refuse to run away from this, even if I'm
about to make a complete fool of myself."

The intensity of emotion in his blue eyes nearly took her
breath away. His usual shields were completely gone;
everything he felt was there for her to see.  Tom tried and
failed to give her one of his trademark cocky grins.  "I
guess the only thing I can do is tell you how I feel."

"I don't know exactly when I figured out what this feeling
was.  I just know it's been with me a long time.  At some
point I realized that I was making excuses to spend time
with you, that all of my happiest memories involved you.
Maybe I started out being grateful for everything you've
done for me, but it's become more than that.  I'm falling in
love with you, Kathryn."  He dropped his gaze for a moment,
his courage and voice faltering.  "I thought you were
beginning to care for me, too."

Kathryn had risen from the couch and moved toward Tom before
she was even aware of it.  That little quaver in his voice
had done her in. She knew how hard it was for him to trust
someone enough to show such vulnerability.  He trusted her
enough to lay his heart at her feet.

*I really have to do something about this repeated impulse
to throw myself in his arms.*  Instead she took his face in
her hands and looked him straight in the eyes.  "I do care
for you, Tom.  I have for a long time. You have to
understand that I couldn't be the one to make the first
move. Not only is approaching a subordinate officer
romantically against Starfleet regulations, if I had been
wrong about *your* feelings, it could have ruined our
friendship and working relationship." She took a deep breath
and waded into the deep end. "And to answer Ms. Rossetti's
question, there is no-one else.  Only you."

Tom looked as if he couldn't quite believe what he was
hearing.  A smile slowly spread over his face until he was
grinning like a Cheshire cat. Kathryn suspected there was a
similar expression on her own face.  "Now wait a minute,
Tom, we still have some things to discuss.  And I want to
take this slowly, just in case..."

"Just in case we turn out to be a couple of blithering
idiots, and this was a really stupid idea?"  He put his arms
around her waist and pulled her closer.

"Something like that."  Her arms went around his neck. *God,
he's beautiful.  I could get lost in those blue eyes.*  She
pulled Tom's head down and kissed him until they were both
out of breath.

He beamed down at her.  "Join me for dinner tomorrow in
Holodeck 3?  I just won some replicator rations off of
Harry."

"I'd love to.  We should finish this discussion, but we're
both too exhausted tonight."  Images of drifting off to
sleep curled in his arms meandered through her mind.  "I'll
change and meet you after my shift is over."

They held each other for a moment longer before reluctantly
saying good night.  Kathryn headed for the door.

"By the way, Lieutenant, necking in elevators is definitely
a violation of Starfleet regulations."

He grinned.  "Yes Ma'am!  I promise not to do it again." 
Then, as the door closed behind her, "Besides, that's what
Jeffries tubes are for." She passed more than one crewman in
the corridor who wondered what had put that enormous grin on
their captain's face.

---

This he had in him that set him apart, that in spite of all
his dissoluteness and his great experience in love, despite
the habitual harmony that existed between his attitude and
his age there happened to be moments - however, rarest
moments, to be sure - when he gave the impression of a flesh
almost untouched.

The beauty of his twenty-nine years, so tested by sensual
delight, at moments paradoxically recalled a young man who -
rather gawkily - surrenders his pure body to love for the
very first time.'

Days of 1901 by C.P. Cavafy

---

Kathryn made her way to holodeck 3 with some misgivings. 
Could this really work? Exactly what did she feel for Paris? 
She shook her head and decided to worry about one thing at a
time.  The first step was getting through tonight.  She had
chosen to wear a simple loose tunic and pants in indigo blue
that turned her complexion into fine porcelain. Auburn hair
was tied in a shimmering waterfall between her shoulder
blades.  She had been striving for comfort, but admitted
that the end result looked pretty good. Not that there was
much point in trying to impress someone who had seen her
after she'd been stranded by the Kazon for a week without a
bath.

She arrived at the holodeck and found that it had been keyed
to open only to her command code.  Entering, the Captain
found herself on a flagstone path leading through a grove of
trees.  The setting had the unmistakable feel of Earth in
Autumn.  Birch and maple trees mingled with oak, their
trunks dark against the bright leaves in every shade from
pale yellow through blazing orange.  It had rained recently
and the smell of moist earth mixed with the wood smoke
drifting from the chimney of the cabin at the end of the
path.  It was early evening, the honey colored light
slanting through the rain clouds that had begun to gather. 
It would storm again before the night was over. The air was
chilly but not uncomfortable.   Kathryn strolled up the
path, kicking at the leaves under foot and marveling at the
detail that had gone into the program.  It even *smelled*
real.

The log cabin ahead was unremarkable.  It was fairly large
and rambling, looking as if it had been added to over the
years.  The style could have come from any time period from
the pioneer days to the present.  Firelight glowed from the
windows of the front room. Tom opened the door and stood
smiling on the threshold.  He held out his hand as she
ascended the steps and led her inside.  He looked almost
indecently handsome in an old green sweater and loose black
pants.

"Kathryn."  He stood there for a moment holding her hand. 
The look in Tom's eyes warmed her heart; the way he said her
name made it race.

"I hope you like it.  I programmed the outdoors for Fall so
I'd have an excuse to light a fire."  He seemed a little
nervous, but completely at home here, leading her to a seat
by the fireplace and pouring her a glass of wine.  Whatever
was cooking in the kitchen smelled delicious.

"It's lovely.  Fall is my favorite time of year."  She stood
and moved around the living room as Tom busied himself
setting the table in front of one of the cabin's large
windows.  The room was slightly shabby and cluttered, as if
someone had lived here for years, collecting memories and
never getting around to throwing anything away.  There was a
threadbare burgundy couch facing the fire, covered in throw
pillows, the kind of comfortable squishy thing that lured
you into its depths for long afternoon naps.  A pair of
mismatched armchairs faced each other on either side of the
stone fireplace. There were various tables, bookshelves and
cabinets lining the walls covered with pictures,
old-fashioned paper books and all sorts of things that might
at one time have been useful.

Something about the place reminded her so strongly of Tom
that she knew it had to be based on somewhere he'd actually
lived.  Kathryn's suspicions were confirmed when she saw the
photographs on the mantel. There was a beautiful blonde
woman standing with a young Eugene Paris and holding a baby
in her arms.  They looked like a happy family, but that was
the only picture of the three of them together.  She spotted
another photo of Tom as a boy of about seven or eight,
proudly displaying a string of fish he'd caught.  It
couldn't be anyone else with that ear-to-ear grin.  The
older man standing behind him holding their fishing poles
could have been Tom thirty years from now.  His greying
blonde hair was receding.  Sapphire blue eyes shone with
pride in his grandson, the laugh lines crinkling around his
mouth and eyes. He was still lean and broad shouldered and
very handsome.

"Dinner is served."  Tom had finished setting the table and
was returning from the kitchen carrying platters of food. 
The aroma of grilled trout started Kathryn's mouth watering. 
He deposited the dishes on the table and pulled out
Kathryn's chair for her.  "The gods were with me tonight.
The last time I tried to cook a meal the kitchen caught
fire."

"Don't feel too bad.  I'm hopeless when it comes to cooking. 
The last time I made dinner Chakotay banned me from the
kitchen permanently." She saw the carefully concealed hurt
in his eyes at the mention of her time with the commander on
New Earth. *Oh, perfect.  It's going to be a little hard to
eat with both feet in your mouth.*  She sighed.  "I think we
just found one of the things we need to discuss."

Tom popped a piece of bread in his mouth as a delaying
tactic.  Every time he thought of the two of them together
it felt like a fist was squeezing his heart.  By the time he
had finished swallowing he was able to say with something
like conviction, "I'm sorry, I certainly have no right to be
jealous about your previous relationships.  Not with my
reputation.  It doesn't matter what happened between you on
New Earth. Obviously, for some reason you've decided not to
continue it on the ship."

*Damn, he doesn't just think we were lovers - he thinks that
I still want Chakotay.*  It hurt to think that Tom still
wanted her under those terms. Kathryn shoved her plate aside
and reached across the table to take his hand.  "Listen to
me Tom Paris, Chakotay and I were never lovers.  I admit
that if we'd spent the rest of our lives on that planet we
probably would have been - but I wasn't in love with him. 
And don't you ever, *ever* think you're my second choice."

Tom closed his eyes for a moment and smiled ruefully.  "I'm
sorry. Sometimes my insecurities get the best of me."

"Considering the rumors that have been going around about
Chakotay and me, I'm not surprised.  People seem determined
to make a couple out of us no matter what *we* want."

"Everyone just wants you to be happy.  I guess they figure
he's the best man for the job."

"I rather like the candidate I'm interviewing at the
moment."  Their laughter went a long way toward dissipating
the tension.   "I *am* worried about how some people might
react to you when they find out about us."

Tom sighed.  "Look, no matter who you end up with *somebody*
is going to give him a hard time about being the  captain's
pet'.  It can't be any worse than growing up being an
admiral's kid, and we both survived that. I just don't want
people talking behind your back about dating an ex-con."

There was a fierce gleam in Kathryn's eyes as she replied, 
"Anyone who thinks that makes me an unfit captain can damn
well get off the ship.  I know I have the respect of this
crew."  Her gaze softened and she smiled at Tom.  "And I
think you underestimate how much the crew has come to like
and respect you."

"There's only one person whose opinion matters to me."  He
sat back in the chair with a grin.  "Now, are you going to
eat your dinner before it gets cold or should I order up
Neelix' special from the mess hall?"

They managed to finish their meal and clear the air about a
few more issues without any further disasters, then withdrew
to the living room to sit by the fire.  Kathryn stopped at
the computer terminal to choose some music from the menu,
noting that it leaned heavily toward blues and jazz.  She
selected an old Benny Carter recording and curled up among
the pillows at one end of the couch.  Tom smiled his
approval of her choice and sat down on the floor facing her.

"This place is lovely, Tom.  Did it belong to your family?"

"It was my grandfather's.  I used to spend part of my summer
vacations here when I was a kid."  His face lit up as he
remembered. "Gramps taught me how to fish, play poker, shoot
pool -  all the 'good stuff'. Dad used to say he was ruining
my character.  He died when I was in high school and Dad
talked Mom into selling the place. I made a scan before they
cleared it out and I've been working on the program a little
at a time ever since."

"I can tell how much care you put into it."

"I come here sometimes to be alone and think.  You're the
first person I've ever brought here."

Kathryn laid her hand over his. "Thank you for sharing it
with me." They sat in companionable silence, enjoying the
music and the warm glow of the fire light.  She spoke again
as the last strains of 'Honeysuckle Rose' drifted away. 
"I'm glad I came this evening.  I was a little nervous;
after all, it's been a while since I've gone on a date."

"Still nervous?"

She smiled and entwined her fingers with his.  "I always
enjoy spending time with you.  And, after all, we aren't
exactly strangers. We probably know more about each other
than most couples would *want* to know."

"So tell me something I don't know.  Tell me about Mark.  I
know he was a big part of your life for a long time.  And
don't worry - I only have jealous fits about the *current*
competition."

Her face alight with mischief, Kathryn recounted their
childhood escapades; that she had always considered Mark
likeable enough, but beneath her notice as boyfriend
material.  Then he had gone off to college and she had gone
to the Academy and fallen in love with someone else.  The
light left her face as she recounted how she had watched, in
pain and nearly frozen, as her fiance and father died in a
shuttle accident, her frantic attempts to save them having
failed.

Tom watched the fire light flickering over her face as she
spoke, shadows hiding her eyes, then suddenly flitting away
to show the pain those memories still brought.  Without a
word, he moved onto the couch and wrapped her in his arms,
as if he could shield her from the memories with his body.

It was a few moments before she went on, "It was a while
afterward that I ran into Mark again.  This time I was
mature enough to appreciate him.  He reminded me that I was
still alive and that I could fall in love again." She went
on to tell him about their life together.

Tom settled back against the cushions and Kathryn snuggled
into the crook of his arm.  Sometimes it seemed like forever
since someone had held and comforted her.  *How have I
managed these last two years without him to hold me?*

"Do you still miss him?"

"Sometimes.  Whatever else we were, Mark and I were always
friends. But we had been drifting apart since I took command
of Voyager.  Long distance relationships are hard on both
people."  They sat quietly thinking their own thoughts until
she picked up the conversation.

"It's your turn.  Tell me about all the women you've been in
love with. It must be quite a list."

"I don't think you want to know the details of my misspent
youth." His voice took on that bright cynical tone that she
hated.  "As for being in love, if I didn't sabotage the
relationship before it got that far, the lady usually got
bored and moved on to somebody new. The thing about being a
playboy is that when they get tired of playing with you they
go find another game."  Kathryn could feel him distancing
himself from her, although he never moved.

"It may surprise you to know that I was engaged myself once. 
I think Karen liked the idea of marrying an admiral's son
and creating some kind of Starfleet dynasty.  Anyway, I
never heard from her after I confessed what happened at
Caldik Prime and got thrown out of Starfleet."

Kathryn stroked his cheek as if she could brush away the
cold hard mask that had settled over his face.  "Don't do
that, Tom.  Don't shut me out."  Tom seemed to come back
from a long distance away.  He covered her hand with his and
let the warmth sink into his skin.

"Did you love her?"

"I thought so at the time.  Now I realize that what I wanted
was someone to love me.  That's the only explanation I can
think of for why I was such an idiot."  Tom compared his ex
to the warm, gentle woman in his arms, and was amazed that
he had ever mistaken his feelings for Karen for love.

"Even if Karen had really loved me, I was too much of a mess
then to share my life with someone else.  I think that's
changed now."  He traced the arch of Kathryn's cheekbone
with the tip of one finger. "Meeting you changed
everything."

Tom continued to brush her face lightly with his fingertips,
then his palm, caressing her neck and shoulders.  Kathryn,
reveling in the touch of his hands on her skin, leaned
closer to tease his lips with soft kisses. Tom found the
clip holding her hair in place and removed it, running his
fingers through the silky waves.  He pulled her closer into
a long languid kiss.  They separated, both looking a little
embarrassed, before the intensity overwhelmed them.

Laughing a bit shakily, Tom moved back to where he had been
sitting on the floor.  "It's a good thing I've got shore
leave tomorrow.  I don't think I could resist kissing you
the minute you walked onto the bridge."

Kathryn tossed a pillow in his general direction.  "Not
unless you want to get court-martialed again. If you'd like
some company, I should be able to get away the day after
tomorrow."

"Great.  I'll do the tourist bit with Harry tomorrow, then
you and I have the rest of the week to ourselves."

The computer broke in to remind them that their scheduled
time on the holodeck was almost up.  Most of the crew
members they passed on the way back to their respective
quarters didn't pay much attention to the couple.  They were
used to seeing the Captain and Lt. Paris walking home after
a late night at Sandrine's.  A few of the more perceptive
noticed that they walked closer together than usual, almost
touching, and that the Captain's hair was rather disheveled,
as if someone had been winding his fingers in it.  The rumor
mill kicked into gear.

---

Kathryn woke the next morning with the memory of Tom's arms
around her. She lingered on the edge of sleep, unwilling to
give up the comfort of her warm snug bed,  imagining what
his hands would have felt like on her naked body, how good
it would have been to make love to him in front of the fire. 
The alarm put a rather rude end to her fantasies, but it
couldn't ruin her good mood.  She was dressed and on the way
out the door before she noticed the message blinking on her
computer.

--

When you are old and gray and full of sleep, And nodding by
the fire, take down this book, And slowly read, and dream of
the soft look Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;
How many loved your moments of glad grace, And loved your
beauty with love false or true, But one man loved the
pilgrim soul in you, And loved the sorrows of your changing
face.

Kathryn - I can't wait to be with you again.  I'll come over
tonight and we can make plans for tomorrow.' --

She looked forward to showing Tom her *appreciation* for his
taste in poetry and decided it was about time to do a little
courting of her own. That thought reminded her that Tom's
birthday was in a couple days.  Her gift would have to be
something really special. She resolved to speak to Neelix at
breakfast about putting together a surprise party. Maybe
Harry could be drafted to help out.

Kathryn left for the mess hall planning the details.  It
would have to be in the late evening, since she and Tom
planned to spend most of their days on shore leave on
Akritiri.

---

In the stunned silence that followed the announcement that
Tom and Harry had been sentenced to life in prison, Kathryn
remembered the last verse that Tom had left out of the poem
he sent her that morning.

--

And bending down beside the glowing bars, Murmur, a little
sadly, how Love fled And paced upon the mountains overhead
And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.

--

Kathryn passed the next few days in a cold fury, allowing
herself to feel nothing but her anger at the idiotic
Akritirian legal system that had sentenced Harry and Tom to
die in prison on the basis of a cursory investigation.  The
days were spent in tireless pursuit of the true identity of
the bombers, then the location of the Akritirian prison.

Nights were harder; she couldn't help imagining what was
happening to the men, if they were even still alive.  Poor
Harry wasn't prepared to deal with prison.  But Tom knew how
to survive; he would keep them both alive until she came for
them.  That thought was all that kept her going.

When the prison was finally located Kathryn insisted on
being part of the rescue team.  Tuvok wasn't happy with that
decision, and he certainly would have something to say about
the way she slid down the chute ahead of the security
people, phaser rifle ready to blast anyone who got in the
way.  She was surprised to find Harry fighting off a group
of fellow prisoners, a wild look in his eyes.

The sight of Tom lying on the floor, pale and bleeding,
nearly made her heart stop.  He remained unconscious as they
carried him to the secret compartment in Neelix' ship, only
waking for a moment to whisper her name as she cradled him
in her arms.

"I promised I would always come for you when you needed
rescuing.  I was almost too late this time."

Harry knelt beside them and put a hand on Kathryn's
shoulder; he seemed shaky, but much calmer than he had been. 
The security team had gone up to join Neelix now that the
Akritirians were no longer following them.  "Tom told me
about the two of you."  He flashed her an embarrassed grin. 
"At first I thought he was delirious, but whenever the pain
got too bad he would start talking about you.  About your
smile, or the way your hair smelled or the first time you
kissed. He made me promise that if anything happened I would
tell you that he loved you.  I guess now *he* can tell you."

"I've got a few things to say on that subject myself."  She
smiled for the first time in days as Voyager's transporter
took hold of them and beamed all three to sickbay.

It was the middle of the ship's night when Tom went into
surgery and he slept most of the next day.  He and Kathryn
hadn't had more than a few moments alone, and the Captain
suspected Kes had something to do with arranging that;
sometimes telepaths could be handy to have around.

Meanwhile she had put her time to good use throwing together
the birthday party that had been put on hold by the crisis. 
Harry was glad to help by luring Tom to the holodeck with
promises of a feast at Sandrine's to make up for all the
time they had spent in prison thinking about food.

Tom and Harry walked into the holodeck to find Sandrine's
program running and a room full of people waiting.  The pool
tables had been removed to make room for a dance floor and
Neelix had laid out a buffet of delicacies and a huge
birthday cake in an interesting shade of blue.  The two were
surrounded by people welcoming them back and wishing Tom a
happy birthday.  Sandrine herself brought them glasses of
champaign.

Tom scanned the room through the crowd of people and finally
spotted Kathryn chatting with the Delaney sisters.  She was
wearing a forest green silk dress that covered her from neck
to ankles and gave delicious hints of the curves in between. 
Her hair was swept up in a loose chignon that let a few
strands escape to frame her face. She felt his eyes on her
and turned to raise her glass and smile.

"I don't have to guess what you want for your birthday." 
Harry shoved a plate of food at Tom and pointed him toward a
table.

"So do you approve?" Tom tried to sound nonchalant, but
Harry knew how much his answer meant.

"I always approve of people falling in love.  If you can
make each other happy, I'm all for it.  But I have to hand
it to you, Tom, you never do anything the easy way."

"Harry, loving Kathryn is the easiest thing I've ever done. 
Making it work is going to be the hard part."

"I think it'll take awhile to get used to hearing you call
her Kathryn." Harry grinned.  "At least now I don't have to
worry you'll beat my time with B'Elanna."

Tom snorted.  His idea of romance didn't include getting
bitten.

"And Chakotay can finally stop mooning over the Captain and
find someone who really appreciates him," Harry finished.

"Oh come on, Harry.  There's nothing going on between
Kathryn and Chakotay."

"Maybe not as far as she's concerned.  I think Chakotay may
have had other ideas."  He noticed that Tom was beginning to
look alarmed. "Don't worry, I'm sure he won't have any
trouble finding somebody to console him."

"Like who?"

Harry stood up, grabbing their empty glasses and headed for
the bar. "Like me."

Tom was still sitting there gaping when Neelix dragged him
off to open presents. Tom was accumulating quite an
impressive pile of gifts in front of him. He was touched by
how many people hand turned out for the party. The only
senior officers not there were Tuvok and Chakotay, who were
on bridge duty.  Harry, who had disappeared after dropping
his bombshell, had recorded a tape of Tom's favorite songs,
playing the clarinet parts himself.  The Delaney sisters
gave him something tasteful in leather from their vast
collection.  He deliberately saved Kathryn's gift for last. 
By that time the crowd was drifting away toward the dance
floor.  Tom opened a small black velvet box to find a pair
of golden aviator's wings. Kathryn appeared next to him and
took the box from his hand.

"Amelia Erhardt gave them to me.  I thought they should
belong to the best pilot on the ship."  She pinned them to
his shirt.

Tom took hold of her hand as she finished. "Thank you.  I
may never take them off."  He led her onto the dance floor
and held her close, not caring that people were watching. 
"I know how much these wings meant to you."

"Do you know how much *you* mean to me?"

"If you keep looking at me like that I'm going to kiss you
no matter how many people are watching."  He noticed that a
few people were in fact looking at them and shaking their
heads.  "They're probably lamenting my lack of taste in
flirting with the captain."

"So let's give them something to talk about."  Kathryn slid
her arms around his neck and settled against his chest with
a sigh.  "I've wanted to do that all evening."

Tom felt like he was dancing on air. There was something
different in Kathryn's eyes since he'd been rescued from the
prison. She looked like a woman who had made a decision and
was happy with it.

When the song finished they went to the bar and chatted with
the Doctor, who was playing bartender and keeping an eye on
his patient. Kathryn spotted Kes watching them and smiling. 
B'Elanna was just coming in when the holographic band
started playing something loud and fast and she dragged Tom
onto the floor.

Kathryn took her drink 'outside' to the terrace to get away
from the press of the people for a few minutes. Tom came out
looking for her a few minutes later.  He was flushed,
perspiring and radiating happiness. Kathryn caught her
breath at the sight of him.

"I can't believe all these people showed up for my party."

"I knew they would."  She pressed her cold, dripping glass
to his flushed face.  "To paraphrase the Borg, resistance is
futile.  You will be loved."

When Harry came to find Tom a few minutes later, he nearly
turned around and went back in, but then other people would
only come looking for the missing guest of honor.  He
cleared his throat and shuffled a little as he came around
the corner for the second time, to give them a chance to
make themselves presentable.

"Hey, Tom, everybody's looking for you to blow out the
candles and cut the cake.  And Doc says no more slam dancing
with B'Elanna."

"I'll be right there.  Are you coming, Kathryn?"

"No, it's been a long day.  I think I'll turn in early."

Tom looked disappointed, but kissed her good night and went
back inside.  Harry stayed a little longer, looking at his
captain.  Her hair was beautifully disheveled and there was
a warm soft look in her eyes.  A Mona Lisa smile lingered on
her lips.

"Captain, I don't think I've ever seen Tom so happy.  Or you
for that matter.  I hope everything works out for you."

"I intend to see that it does, Harry.  Do me a favor and
make sure that Tom doesn't stay too late?" She detected a
conspiratorial twinkle in his eyes.

"Don't worry, I'll make sure Doc kicks him out in about an
hour." Harry followed his friend back into the bar.

--

Where were you last night? I watched at the gate; I went
down early, I stayed down late. Were you snug at home, I
should like to know, Or were you in the coppice wheedling
Kate?

She's a fine girl, with a fine clear skin; Easy to woo,
perhaps not hard to win. Speak up like a man and tell me the
truth: I'm not one to grow downhearted and thin.

If you love her best speak up like a man; It's not I will
stand in the light of your plan: Some girls might cry and
scold you a bit And say they couldn't bear it; but I can.

Good luck to Kate and good luck to you, I guess she'll be
kind when you come to woo; I wish her a pretty face that
will last, I wish her a husband steady and true.

Hate you?  Not I, my very good friend; All things begin and
all have an end. But let broken be broken; I put no faith In
quacks who set up to patch and mend.

Just my love and one word to Kate: Not to let time slip if
she means to mate; For even such a thing has been known As
to miss the chance while we weigh and wait.

Last Night by Christina Rossetti'

*Text of a birthday card received by Lt. Tom Paris and
signed by  The women of Voyager' (in handwriting
suspiciously similar to Megan Delaney's).*

---

Tom returned to his quarters about an hour after Kathryn
left the party. He dropped the load of birthday presents on
the couch. For some reason Harry seemed to be worried about
the state of his health and Doc had concurred that it was
time for him to turn in. Actually, Tom wasn't at all sleepy. 
He nearly turned around and headed for Kathryn's quarters,
but she was probably already asleep.  The need to see her
again, to touch her, feel her warmth in his arms was almost
more than he could stand.

Out of the corner of his eye Tom saw that the message light
on his computer was blinking.  He stabbed the playback
button irritably and saw that it was from the main computer.
It had detected a virus in his cabin program on holodeck
three and requested that he fix it immediately or the
program would be permanently deleted from memory.

Tom stomped down to the holodeck to see what was going on. 
He was puzzled to find that the program was running and the
outdoors had been set for night.  There was firelight coming
from the windows of the cabin.  He began to suspect that
this was someone's idea of a practical joke.  Entering the
cabin he found it lit only by a roaring fire in the grate.

"Happy birthday, Tom.  I hope you like your present."

He froze in the doorway for a moment, unable to make a
sound, drinking in the sight before him. Kathryn stood by
the fireplace, the light flickering on the simple
champaign-colored satin gown that flowed over the contours
of her body.  She seemed almost to be part of the flames.
Delicate wisps of hair framed her face, leaving her neck and
shoulders bare.

Noting Tom's hesitation she stepped forward, suddenly afraid
that she was making a complete fool of herself.  Her
movement broke Paris' trance.  His embrace lifted her off
the floor to meet his kiss and warm soft lips descended
ravenously on her mouth.  Finally, out of breath, Tom set
her back on her feet.  Somehow he'd managed to shake her
hair free of its clasp and stood combing his fingers through
it and caressing her face as they both tried to regain their
equilibrium.

"I haven't been able to stop touching you since the first
time we kissed."  Tom's breathing was still a little ragged.

"Don't stop.  I love the way you touch me."  Kathryn had
captured one of his hands and was kissing the palm.  She
kept hold of his hand and led Tom to the couch, giving him a
flute of champaign from the nearby table.  "I wanted to make
your birthday special."

Tom took the glass from her and put both flutes on the
floor.  There was an unusually serious look in his eyes as
he took both of her hands.  "Kathryn, are you sure about
this?  I know you wanted to take things slowly; I just don't
want you to do anything you're not ready for."

There was no hesitation in her voice as she replied.  "I'm
sure, Tom. I want to make love to you tonight."  She moved
into his embrace, one hand caressing his cheek.  "I came so
close to losing you." She looked into his eyes.  "I kept
imagining you dying in that prison, never knowing how much I
love you."

The look on Tom's face said that he hadn't been sure she
would ever say those words.  Laughing, Kathryn told him over
and over again that she loved him, punctuating each word
with a kiss, each more passionate than the last.  Tom's
hands were exploring her body more intimately than they had
dared before and she ached to feel his touch on her bare
skin.

Kathryn finally broke free of their embrace to lead Tom over
to the fireplace where she had arranged piles of cushions on
a soft rug.  She unbuttoned his shirt slowly and ran her
hands through the light covering of golden curls on his
chest, tracing the outline of perfectly defined muscles. 
The firelight turned his fair skin the color of honey.  She
couldn't help but notice that he had gotten thinner while in
prison.  Drifting lower, her fingers encountered the scar
left by the knife wound that had nearly killed him.  It was
still an angry red, although the doctor had promised it
would eventually fade away completely.

Kathryn wrapped her arms around him and held him close for a
moment. Tom felt her tears on his shoulder.  "It's alright;
the doctor said I'll be fine.  It doesn't even hurt
anymore."  He kissed the tears away from the corners of her
eyes.

"I know."  The ferocity of her emotions surprised her.  "I
just can't stand the thought of  you being hurt."

"You heal me, Kathryn."  He spoke softly, taking her face in
his hands. "I've never loved anyone like this.  I never even
*imagined* it could be like this."  He rained soft kisses on
her eyelids before taking possession of her mouth, his
tongue making sweet promises of pleasures to come.

Never breaking their kiss, she moved to take off her
nightgown.  Tom pulled away and stopped her hand.  "Oh no
you don't.  I get to unwrap this present myself."  He
lowered them both to the cushions on the floor, stopping her
laughter with a kiss.  "Indulge me, it's my birthday." 
Kathryn caught her breath, seared by the heat in his cool
blue eyes.

She relaxed under his touch, giving herself up to the
pleasure of warm silky lips on her skin.  Tom slowly drew
the nightgown down her body, kissing every inch of skin as
it was revealed, fingertips tracing lazy patterns in the
wake of his lips.  She was on fire everywhere he touched
her.

Finally pulling the nightgown over her feet, Tom noticed the
untouched glasses of champaign on the floor next to the
couch and grinned wickedly.  "Close your eyes, Kathryn." 
She looked at him questioningly.  "Do you trust me?"

"Absolutely."  They locked eyes for a moment, feeling the
strength of the bond between them. Kathryn closed her eyes,
a smile of anticipation on her lips.  A moment later she
gasped as cool champaign fizzed over her hot skin, the
bubbles tickling in the most delightful places.  Tom
followed with his mouth, sucking and lapping the liquid from
her body.  Kathryn's last coherent thought was that
champaign was definitely going to be a part of *all* their
birthday celebrations from now on.

---

Kathryn woke in the warm glow of the firelight to find
herself curled in her lover's arms. She lay for a moment
listening to the sound of his heart beating. Stealing a
glance at his face, she saw that he was still asleep.  She
moved out of Tom's embrace, careful not to wake him, and
watched his sleeping face. A blush crept over her face as
she remembered the tender ferocity of their lovemaking. 
Sometimes she loved him so much she thought her heart would
break.

She was glad Tom was off duty for the next couple of days. 
It would be hard enough being on the bridge together, trying
to maintain their roles as captain and helm officer, but
this was so new they needed a few days to adjust.  Right now
she knew that she would melt every time he looked at her.
And Tom really couldn't keep his hands off her.  She
shivered, knowing what it would be like when they finally
got off the bridge that first day, after keeping their
distance for so many hours.

The wind howled outside and Kathryn snuggled back into Tom's
arms.  He murmured her name in his sleep and turned on his
side, gathering her closer.  She drifted off to sleep again
in his embrace, the warmth of his breath on her skin.

---

The End