The BLTS Archive- Those Voyager Men
by Ragpants (mhkurtz@earthlink.net)

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Author's Note: In the wake of the Chinese spy scandal and the
non-indictment of Dr.Wen Ho Lee at Los Alamos Lab, the Department of
Energy in its infinite wisdom has ordered all personnel with access to
secure material to fill out "liaison reports." The scientists,
technicians and engineers  are now required to report "all personal
and intimate contacts with foreigners". The national head of Internal
Security  for the DOE has sent out a list defining what is meany by
'contacts'. Chatting in an internet chat room with a non-American
citizen must be reported, lunching on two or more days with a
foreigner must be reported. One night stands, however, need not be
reported. Which, of course, has lead to a proliferation of jokes all
with the punchline: Those nuclear weapons scientists, they never call
you in the morning...)

Write me!

September 1999

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Harry Kim whistled as he debarked from the shuttle. His shore leave
had been...memorable.  He'd had a wonderful time. Shopping, dancing,
the music clubs, the restaurants.  And the local Cymbarii women had
been quite...friendly.  He smiled again at the memories he'd laid down
over the past week of freedom. He'd had a very good time. He strode
down the shuttle's ramp with real cheeriness, glad to be back aboard
Voyager and eager to get back to work.

At the foot of the ramp Tuvok and the Doctor stood side-by-side. The
point of re-entry inspection. Harry waited patiently in line for his
turn. The holodoctor passed a medical tricorder over Kim's body from
head to toe.

"No sign of physical contamination," the doctor noted aloud, as he
finished the tricorder sweep. "Any of the following symptoms, Ensign?"
he asked, then ran off a frighteningly long list of possible malaises.

Harry grinned, "Nope. I feel fine."

"I'm happy for you," the doctor quipped sardonically and passed the
young officer on to Commander Tuvok.

Tuvok didn't look up from his padd. "Are you transporting any organic
materials, minerals, electronic or  mechanical devices of Delta
Quadrant origin?" recited the Vulcan in a monotone.

Kim slipped his duffel off his shoulder. "Yes, I bought this reed
flute on the planet. And I got this scarf. It was a gift." Kim removed
the items from the bag and held them out toward the security officer.

The Vulcan didn't flinch, but Kim had the impression that if he could
have he would have. Tuvok waved toward a stack of variously sized
boxes that were piled just behind the welcoming committee. "Place each
item in an appropriate container and seal it. Label the container with
your name and a brief description of the item, its function and its
purported place of origin. It will be returned to you once it has been
inspected and a determination of its harmlessness has been made."

Harry moved over to the jumble of containers and complied with
Vulcan's instructions. After he had done so, he started to exit the
shuttle bay, but found his path blocked by Seven and a beefy-looking
security guard. He looked up in surprise. "What's the problem?" he
asked. Seven handed him a padd. Harry hastily read the first few lines
and looked back at the lovely Borg woman. "You're kidding, right? This
has to be someone's idea of a sick joke."

Seven looked down at him. "I assure you this not a matter of
risibility, Ensign. New security debriefing procedures require all
personnel returning from off-ship travel for any reason to complete
this form." She thrust a padd into Harry's hand and directed him
toward a table where a half dozen other still civvie clad crewmembers
were hunched over their padds.

Harry pulled out a chair and sat down next to Tom Paris. Tom was
obviously enjoying the new debriefing procedure. His face was nearly
as red as his hair and he was muttering to himself as he punched
information into the miniature screen.

Harry nervously ran his fingers through his hair and began reading the
questions. 'List number of personal and intimate contacts made during
travel non-incidental to reason for travel.  If travel was undertaken
for non-job related reasons, i.e. shore leave, list all personal and
intimate contacts.' What the hell?  Harry threw the padd on the table
in disgust. He looked anxiously over at Paris. "They're kidding,
right, Tom?"

Paris looked up from his own debriefing padd. "Nope. I went to the
Captain on this. She said *everyone* had to fill out this puppy out.
And she was deadly serious too. It's no joke. She said she was tired
of having Federation technologies leaked all over the DQ and this was
one way of doing something to prevent it. Oh...and forgive the pun,
but I wouldn't screw around with this, Harry. You could end up in the
Brig." Paris hunched back down to finish his own report.

Kim heaved a sigh of long-suffering resignation and began entering the
names of the females who had shown him the delightful sights of
Cymbara. Jumar? Joomur? He wasn't sure how to phonetically transcribe
the woman's name. He hadn't exactly been taking notes when he'd met
her in the marketplace. Kim squinted off into the distance, wracking
his memory over the exact pronunciation. He noticed Commander Chakotay
come striding off the most recent shuttle to dock. Kim watched as the
Commander submitted to the holodoc's medical scan and stood patiently
through Commander Tuvok's 'no fruits or vegetables' speech, but when
Seven approached the First Officer, padd in hand, he waved it, and
her, aside and exited the shuttle bay.

Kim tapped his knuckles against Paris's arm. When Paris looked up, he
pointed at the First Officer's departing back. "Rank hath its
privileges I guess," commented Kim with equal parts irritation and
envy.

Paris gave a small shake of his head. He pulled the padd out of
Harry's hands and clicked past the first screen. "Didn't read it all,
did you?" Paris pointed to a lengthy passage of fine print. "You only
have report liaisons if you have contact on more than one occasion."

Kim goggled open-mouthed. "You mean, I could have avoided all this.

Paris gave a sickly grin. "Yep. Screwing them is perfectly fine by the
rules. You just can't call her in the morning."

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The End