The BLTS Archive - Just Kathryn by Jennifer Presley (jlpresley@aol.com) --- Disclaimer: Paramount owns all, I'm just borrowing the characters for a while. Okay to archive on ASC. --- It was an accident. Nothing more, nothing less. Just an accident. It was instantaneous, there was a sudden jolt, then nothing. I don't know how long it took for me to come to my senses again, but it was long enough for you to arrive. But by then it was too late. I was dead. Or am I? I'm not a religious person, I never have been. Hmm...I guess I never will be. (Sick humor was never my forte.) I was not one to believe in an afterlife, in thoughts of God and heaven. Science alone held my beliefs, and far be it for me to change now. Plus, I don't think this is heaven, this is more of hell for me. Watching you grieve. How could I have ever taken you for granted? You were my First Officer, but you were more than that. I could confide in you, share with you all my secrets, hopes and dreams. We didn't start out that way, but over the years of our journey, you became my other half. My best friend. My beloved. I never told you that, did I? I couldn't take the chance, and now it's too late. I could kill myself for missing out on that opportunity, but I guess I won't have to now. (Sigh.) I see you on your knees, kneeling before my body, tears running down your cheeks silently. I want to reach out so badly and touch you, try to let you know that I'm *here*, but once again I'm afraid. Afraid that my hand will pass through you, just like in those horrid ghost movies Tom's always foisting on the crew at Halloween. I'm even more afraid that you might feel it. Sounds stupid, doesn't it? But how can I explain it...if you knew I was here, you might refuse to move on. And you have to. My crew is now in your hands, the responsibility to get them home safely is yours now. The burden is yours. And it is a burden, no matter how much I loved this crew and the ship. I could never allow myself the freedom to be myself, to do the things I would have liked to do; I had to be the Captain. I ceased to be just Kathryn Janeway when that fourth pip was pinned on my uniform by Admiral Paris. I *was* Captain Kathryn Janeway. Who am I now? --- It's been 2 weeks since the accident. I'm still here...wherever that is. It's harder than I could have ever imagined. Watching you and the crew, *living*. The first time you reentered the bridge after the accident, I was there. In fact, I almost sat in my chair, before realizing that it was yours now. Instead, I stood behind you, watching you as you gingerly sat in the chair you never wanted, at least not in this way. No one else could see it, but I saw your hands trembling slightly, and understood the depth of your emotions, your despair. It was at that moment that I truly realized all that I had lost, everything that I would never have a chance to say or do. I railed at whatever was keeping me here, to let me go. Let me move on to the next realm, whatever it may be. But nothing happened. Instead, I watched you give the order to resume course towards the Alpha Quadrant, to home. I never felt as lonely as I did then. --- You've been trying to contact me through your spirit guide, and I haven't been cooperating. I don't know if I can bear to *see* you again, to converse with you. What could I say? That I did (do) love you, and I have for a very long time? That I've been watching you in your most private time, feeling the grief permeating the air around you? Seeing you in torment as you dream, knowing that you are trying to find a way to save me, and knowing you can't? The one 'nice' thing about this existence is it's given me a chance to think. After all, there isn't much more that I can do, but think. I've gone over my life numerous times, trying to understand the events that have led up to this, and to make peace with myself. Because *I* am the one keeping myself here. The guilt I carry in my soul has tied me to this existence, and I know now that I have to discard it before I can go completely. And I have come to understand myself, my motivations. I have forgiven myself for the deaths of my father and Justin, for stranding our two crews here in the Delta Quadrant, and for the crew members that have died because of my decisions since. There is only one other thing I must do.... --- I finally accepted your invitation, and allowed my spirit guide and yours to bring us together one last time. It wasn't as difficult facing you as I thought it would be. That is, once the initial shock wore off. I've been watching you for so long now, without your knowledge, that I was overcome to know that you could see me, hear me....touch me. As soon as I appeared to you, you swept me up into your arms, holding me tight. Sobbing my name over and over, as I did yours. It seemed so unreal, yet more real than my existence the past few weeks. I'm not sure how long we held each other, until you drew back, your eyes roving over me...memorizing me. We both knew this would be the last time, at least for now. We walked, holding hands as we talked. About everything. My death, your life. Our past, your future. I can't remember the last time I felt so cherished, and at the same time, so sad. I knew our time together was drawing to a close, and there was so much to say. So damned much to say, because I was too much of a coward to say it to you when I should have. Somehow we managed. And then it was time for goodbye. I was crying, and your hands reached up to cradle my face. Your thumbs swept my tears away, before you leaned down and gently brushed your lips over mine. I knew I had to be the one to walk away, leaving you to live your life, giving you the closure that you needed. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I turned, and walked away from you, knowing you were watching me. Just before I disappeared, I looked at you for one final time. Lifting my hand, I sent a silent wish, that you would remember me like this, and not as the woman I was before. Remember me...as just Kathryn. --- I don't need eyes to see The love you bring to me No matter where I go And I know that you'll be there Forever more a part of me You're everywhere I'll always care I'll make a wish for you And hope it will come true That life will just be kind To such a gentle mind If you lose your way Think back on yesterday Remember me this way "Remember Me This Way" David Foster and Linda Thompson --- The End