The BLTS Archive - Impasse
by Katrine Myra (kat@saers.com)

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Archiving: Yes to ASCEM, others please let me know.

Feedback: Of course, yes!

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Miles O'Brien gave the blanket around his infant son an extra tuck, and
kissed the sleeping boy ever so carefully on his forehead. Just a few
feet away, Keiko was soundly asleep in her own bed, in their bed, Miles
mentally corrected himself. With a final wistful look towards his
sleeping son and wife, he left the room, closing the door soundlessly.

The door to Molly's bedroom was open. She wanted it that way, afraid
lately of monsters who would appear only when the door was closed. Keiko
tended to close it once Molly'd fallen asleep, but tonight Miles kept it
open. Sitting down in the chair half-facing her room, he fumbled around
behind his back, underneath the cushions for the PADD he'd left there
earlier. With some difficulty – he wasn't used to writing more than just
a few shorthand comments at a time – he began to write.


"My dearest Molly.

You asked me yesterday why we were moving from the station, and I gave
you all the right answers I've been giving everyone. My job-offer, how
it was an honor to be asked to teach at the Academy. How your mother
would be able to work again without leaving us alone, or the three of
you having to leave me behind. How you two should have a chance to see
the Earth, grow up where your ancestors lived. I tried to put it in
terms you'd understand. Well, everyone else may have accepted them, but
you knew better. You looked straight into my eyes and told me I was
lying. I had to lie again and tell you that I wasn't. I'm so sorry. I
can stand lying to everyone, even myself, but not ever to you, Molly.
Not to you. I can only hope that one day when you're older, old enough
to understand, you'll ask me that question again. And when that time
comes, I want to have an answer ready.

What people don't understand is that I love your mother. I've always
loved her, and that isn't going to change. They look at us, all three of
us, and they draw their conclusions and spread their rumors behind our
backs. Although lately they're not even bothering to hide it. I
shouldn't let it bother me. After all, it IS rather silly. I should be
laughing right along with them.

I love her, you see. It's that simple, and that hard. Loving her means
not wanting to hurt her, no matter how bloody hard it is not to. Of
course, I love him too, and that's where it starts to get complicated.

In a way, his being with Ezri was a relief, although the sight of them
together filled me with almost physical revulsion. But it made things
safe. We could flirt then, openly, in front of people."


Miles closed his eyes, remembering. Once Julian had even kissed him on
the cheek, his hand brushing against Miles' thigh underneath the table.
The shock of that touch, sending electric shivers all through his body,
making it hard to concentrate. Julian's eyes would glitter, brilliantly,
until Miles would have to murmur some excuse and leave the table.
Remembering himself now, he tried not to dwell on what would inevitably
happen after such encounters, when he was alone in his quarters. . .


"But it was fun, because it was safe. Both of us happily coupled, secure
in our places in the world. Sometimes I wonder if Dax, who must have
picked up on what was going on between the two of us, didn't engineer
the whole thing for my benefit. I wouldn't put it past her, although
there's really no reason why she'd do that for me. We've never been
close, in either of her incarnations. Still, you never know with Trills.
At any rate, it didn't last very long. I don't think that either of them
were what the other really wanted.

And then he was single again.

There followed an awkward time when neither of us quite knew how to
behave. Then, of course, I got the job offer. It was really for the
best. With Julian single, there was nothing holding him back, and he was
the one that needed holding back. We both knew this. My marriage was the
main reason nothing had happened so far, but with the two of us working
and living in such close quarters, how long was that likely to last? It
had lasted too long already, the two of us sneaking around one another
like teenagers, throwing innuendoes left and right – well, Julian mostly
– and pretending nothing was going on. Hell, we still pretend nothing is
going on, only now we're both well aware of the lie."

That was the odd thing, Miles reflected: that none of them had ever
admitted their feelings to the other. It had all been hints and looks
and accidental touches, a certain look in the eye meant only for the
other person. And after a day of this, he'd go home and make love to
Keiko with a renewed fervor, closing his eyes and thinking of Julian.
He'd never felt guilty. Somehow that just hadn't occur to him.

"We have two beautiful children, your mother and I. I love you and your
brother more than life itself. But the human heart is an odd thing. I
seem to be able to fit so much in there. This is what people don't
understand; I love you all. There are so many rumors floating around,
Molly, you wouldn't believe it."


He shook his head, mentally ticking off the ones he'd heard; Keiko hit
him, he hit her, Julian was obsessed with him and stalking him, they all
had joint orgies in front of the children, he was impotent so he had
Julian make love to Keiko in his place... No need for Molly to hear the
sordid details of course. He hoped to God she hadn't heard already.


"Yet the simplest idea seems beyond their grasp – I love my wife. I love
Julian. I love them both, and my children too. Simply, without perversion.

And that is why we have to move away."

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In the half-darkness of the room, the quill in his hand quivered between
"save" and "erase".

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The End