The BLTS Archive- White Roses
by monkee (wiecek@earthlink.net)

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Disclaimers: Paramount owns Star Trek Voyager and it's characters.

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Forget-me-nots forgotten -- white roses,
Regrets and promises collide,
I'm still flying a flag for you,
Blue heart, red eyes and white roses...

White Roses
Deborah Conway
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My crew would doubtless find it strange, me sitting in my darkened
quarters in the middle of the night, communing with your picture. But
between the Hirogen and the destruction of the communications network
and Neelix's party -- this is the only time that I have that is just
my own. Well, you remember -- Captain Kathryn Janeway, always on duty.
And it's even worse out here...

But I felt compelled to 'talk' to you tonight. To find some closure
for myself. It is, for me, a night of so many memories. I loved you so
much, Mark. Did you know? Oh, I know that I told you -- many times.
But did you really know? How I cherished you? How comforting it was to
be in your arms at night?

People used to wonder about us, you know? How we could be so
compatible when we were so very different. Phoebe especially -- she'd
laugh at me. I told her that our relationship worked BECAUSE we were
so different -- we complemented each other. Balanced each other out.
My impetuous decisiveness and your steadying presence. Your gentle
sensitivity and my wry sense of humor. Somehow, it all meshed together
in just the right way.

Tonight I remember with fondness how our relationship progressed. We
started out by aggravating each other as children -- at least you
certainly aggravated me! Then, over the years, we built a close
friendship based on mutual admiration and begrudging respect for each
other's strengths. Then, finally, that friendship deepened and became
so rich and multifaceted that falling in love with you was the next
rational step. For as long as I am alive I will never forget the first
time that we made love. Do you remember? Of course you do. If I close
my eyes, I can still see you moving over me. You were crying, I
remember, as if you'd never expected me to return your feelings.
Didn't you know? Had I hidden myself from you that well?

How I wish that we could have sent return messages through that
network before it was destroyed. There is so much that I wish that I
could tell you -- so much that I wish that you could hear. I wish that
I could tell you how very much I have missed having you in my life. I
wish that I could tell you that I release you, with a full heart. Not
that it's necessary, of course, but I know you. I know you'd feel
better if you knew that you had my understanding. I wish that I could
tell you that I want nothing but the best for you, Mark -- that I want
you to be happy and unencumbered. I don't want you to have any regrets
about me. I wish that I could tell you that I will always, ALWAYS,
love you.

It wasn't really a surprise, of course. I mean, it's been four years.
On some level, I was certain that you would have gone on with your
life. I wanted you to. But hearing it confirmed was still difficult
for me. There was a finality that came with your message that hurt me,
I'll admit it. But I wouldn't want you to feel badly about it. It
hurt, but it was a dull ache rather than a sharp pain. More poignant
than anything else. And it's a little frightening, too -- being forced
to let go of something, because it simply isn't there anymore.

I let go once before. Two years ago. My first officer, Chakotay, and I
-- we both contracted a disease for which there was no known cure. He
and I were forced to stay behind as Voyager continued on its journey
home without us. We were marooned on the planet that protected us
from the effects of the disease -- a planet that we called 'New
Earth.' On New Earth I was faced head-on with the prospect of having
to spend the rest of my life there. I had no choice but to let go --
and it was so hard for me. On the ship, as long as forward progress
was being made, I could still allow myself that hope. The spark of
hope that I would see my home again - my family. The selfish hope that
you would still be waiting for me. But on New Earth that hope was
gone. I had to stop -- to finally rest. You can probably imagine how
difficult that was to accept, and it didn't happen overnight. I wept
silently in my bed at night for weeks -- hoping Chakotay wouldn't hear
me. I cried for my old life, for my ship and crew, for Mom, for Phoebe
and mostly for you.

But Tuvok once told me that the Vulcans have an expression, 'In
accepting the inevitable, one finds peace.' And so it was with me.

And, of course, there was Chakotay. It was only natural, I suppose,
that I would begin to really notice him. But it was more than that. On
the ship, I'd only really known him superficially. On that planet, I
began to realize what an extraordinary person he is. He is so like
you, in so many ways. Deeply philosophical, considerate, kind. Just a
beautiful person, you know? And I have to admit that he is attractive.
Handsome in a different way than you. You -- you're sandy-haired, open
and friendly. He's dark and intense. But you have the same eyes. Oh,
yours are blue and his are nearly black, but they're the same somehow.
I think that it's the depth of feeling reflected inside them. He made
me a bathtub, Mark. Out of wood. Can you believe that? Just because I
mentioned that I preferred baths to showers. And the night that he
told me how he felt about me -- he told me the most beautiful story.
He invented an 'ancient legend' for me, complete with a brave and
beautiful woman warrior, and the angry warrior who finally found his
peace with her. How could I help but start to fall in love with him?

But then the ship came back with a cure for us. And I couldn't see my
way clear to pursuing a relationship with him. Couldn't see how we
could possibly balance our professional responsibilities with feelings
as strong as that. He understood, but I know that it hurt him. Hurt
both of us, really -- to be forced by our positions to work so closely
together, yet never quite close enough. Drawn together on so many
levels, yet always having to pull back.

And, of course, we'd resumed our forward progress home. So I did the
easiest thing -- I fell back on the increasingly remote possibility
that we might make it back soon.  And that maybe, just maybe, you
wouldn't have moved on -- you would still be waiting for me. I told
myself that, after all, I was an engaged woman. So I pushed my
feelings for him back, out of the way -- and deluded myself with that
false hope again, although I think that I knew in my heart that I was
just clinging to something...safe.

But now I know, and that safety net is gone, and I am faced with some
harsh realities. I have to ask myself - is this the way that I want to
live my life? In isolation? No one to touch me? No one to breathe
around me at night while I fall asleep? I miss those things. I want
them back. Need I deny myself happiness for as long as it takes to get
home? What if it takes us decades? What if we never get back at all?

Chakotay and I, we had a very strange conversation in my ready room
tonight. I was feeling a little...shaky, I guess. A little vulnerable.
I said some things to him that I probably shouldn't have, and I think
it took him by surprise. But he handled it so well -- he's so
sensitive, so wise. He knows better than to come to me now. He wants
to be sure of me. I can't blame him. I need to feel sure of myself, as
well. When I am being honest with myself, I know that I love him,
deeply. But the unique and intense friendship that we've built over
the years is extremely important to me, and I don't want to lose that
either. I'm just not sure what I want to do about this, and that's
an unusual position for me to find myself in. He told me that we have
'plenty of time.' Just another example of his selflessness.

Chakotay handed me a white rose just as I was leaving Neelix's party.
He didn't say a word - he just placed it in my hand, kissed me on the
cheek and smiled. Oh, he didn't mean anything by it -- well, he did,
but not what you might think. I don't think that he is aware of the
old earth tradition of a white rose being symbolic of a break-up. No,
to him the white rose represents peace. The peace that he says I have
given him. The peace that he offers me.

And I wanted you to know, wish that you COULD know, that that's how I
feel about the message that I received from you today. Peaceful. I'll
love you always, but I want you to be happy, Mark. I want you to have
all the good things you can find. And I want them for myself, as well.
On this night of lost hope and joyous but fading memories, a white
rose sits on my nightstand. A symbol of peace and a promise for the
future...

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The End