The BLTS Archive-Kellin by monkee (wiecek@earthlink.net) --- Disclaimers: Paramount owns Star Trek Voyager and all of its characters. I am only borrowing the characters to vent my frustrations. If the powers that be over there are going to insist on pairing Chakotay with an alien babe of the week every season, then they should a) make the babes a little bit more compelling and b) show us some J/C in those episodes, too. It would make the whole situation a lot more interesting...End of rant. Author's Note: Now don't all jump on me at once. This is NOT a sad J/C story at all! Promise! --- We walk in to sickbay together, but once we're inside, we split up. I go over to talk to Tuvok about some security matters, and Chakotay -- he goes right to Captain Janeway's biobed. The Doctor reported only this morning that she was out of danger. It's been a stressful two days for everyone -- we almost lost her. She and Neelix had taken a shuttle down to Vorton IV to negotiate for supplies. On their way back they got caught in the crossfire of a battle between the Vortonians and the inhabitants of Vorton III. Apparently she was thrown up against the engine console a split second before it exploded. Starfleet protocol dictates that security report to sickbay when there is an emergency transport as there was that day. So I was there, as were Chakotay and Tuvok. Anyone who saw her knows that the Doctor is not exaggerating when he says that he pulled her from the brink of death. In fact, she did not have any lifesigns at first. The Doctor quickly sent us away, and I have never seen Chakotay so ashen. I felt sick myself. I have the highest regard for Captain Janeway, both as a leader and a person, and I was certain that she was not going to win this one. But she is nothing if not a fighter, and although it was touch and go, she pulled through. Chakotay has been a wreck -- between the stress of her injuries and the extra burdens of command at this time. He was absolutely enraged at the Vortonians. As he should be. Had they informed us of their ongoing hostilities with their neighbors, we could have avoided the area and none of this would have happened. Now, as Tuvok and I discuss the security precautions that we are taking as we leave this system, I am watching the two of them -- Chakotay and Captain Janeway. He has taken her hand and is talking to her softly. She still looks pale and weak - vulnerable, actually - but he manages to make her smile. He always does. Perhaps their closeness should make me uncomfortable, but it doesn't. In the six months that I have been here, Chakotay has never been anything but honest with me about his feelings for her. I know that he had loved her deeply, and I think that she had similar feelings for him, but couldn't act on them. The first time that Chakotay and I made love, he called out her name. It hurt, but he felt so horrible about it that I couldn't stay angry. He is so kind. I like to think that I have helped him to move forward in his life, now. And I respect Captain Janeway so much for letting him go. I can't begin to imagine how difficult it must have been for her. I know that he loves me. And I KNOW that he would never do anything to hurt me. Tuvok and I have formulated a plan to augment the shields against the Vortonian weapons systems, in case we run into any more trouble on our way out of here, and it is time for me to get to work. I approach the two of them tentatively. The Captain sees me coming and smiles. When she lets go of Chakotay's hand, he turns and sees me too. "I have to report for duty, now. I'll see you in the mess hall at 1200." I say, touching his arm. He smiles and nods as I turn to the Captain. "You're looking a lot better, Captain," I tell her, "I'm glad that you are going to be all right, now." "Thank you, Kellin. Hey," she adds, gesturing towards Chakotay, "he looks terrible -- try to get him to take it easy, okay?" "I'll try." I promise. We are both sincere. I know that many of the crewmembers are surprised by the fact that she and I actually like each other. "Take care of yourself." As I leave sickbay, I glance back at them, and feel a sudden flutter of jealousy that surprises me. They have resumed their quiet conversation. And he has taken her hand again. --- I'm sitting with Ensign Kim and Lieutenant Torres in the mess hall. They are enthusiastically discussing an idea that Seven has to increase the main sensor's ability to detect wormholes. Their conversation has attracted the attention of some of the crewmembers at adjacent tables, who are listening in and adding their own comments from time to time. I am constantly surprised at this crew's determination to get home. Any rational person can see that the odds are not in their favor. The chances of them encountering a stable wormhole that leads to the alpha quadrant are slim to nonexistent, yet they never seem to give up hope. Their intense desire to return home always makes me a little uncomfortable. I am trying to get as far away from my home as possible... All my life, I blindly accepted my government's xenophobic ways. My parents taught me that other species would harm our way of life, and the only answer was to stay away from them. It wasn't until I became a tracer that I began to question that. I couldn't get any of them - my parents, my brother, my friends - to consider that perhaps the government was wrong. They refused to see, refused to question the status quo. I left them in anger -- told them that they were being ignorant. And they were. But that doesn't mean that I don't love them, or miss them terribly at times. Yet I am warping farther and farther away from them every single day. This unpleasant train of thought is interrupted when Chakotay arrives at 1220. Harry and B'Elanna are just leaving, still animatedly discussing the sensors. He sits down across from me with his lunch. "Sorry I'm late. I wanted to check in on the Captain," he explains, smiling apologetically. I nod, I had figured as much. I have gotten past the pang of jealousy that I felt this morning. He is only being extra solicitous of her now because she was so badly injured. He would never consciously betray me. "How is she doing?" I ask. He sighs. "The doctor says she is doing fine, but I don't know. She seems so frail, and she hasn't even asked to return to her quarters. I'm concerned for her -- it's not like her." "Oh, Chakotay," I assure him, "she was badly hurt -- give her a couple of days...she'll be demanding coffee and reports soon enough..." "I know," he grins. He looks right at me for the first time in days, and then he reaches across the table to touch my hand. "Hey," he says, "I know that I've been distracted for the last few days. Thank you for being so supportive." He gives me a genuine smile as he gets up to leave, and, as always, it takes my breath away. He is so handsome, and those dimples just kill me every time. But he's barely touched his lunch, and I have to say, "Where are you going? Aren't you going to eat?" "No time," he insists. "We're leaving orbit within the hour. I need to get back to the bridge." I smile and shake my head as he leaves. I try to eat the rest of my meal, but I keep overhearing the conversations of home from the other tables. For some reason, it depresses me more than usual today, so I get up, put my tray into the recycling compartment, and leave. --- It is quite late when I track him down. When I finally break down and ask the computer where he is, I am not surprised to learn that he is in sickbay. I head over there to make him come back to his quarters, well, our quarters really -- I spend most nights there. He really does need to get some rest. I walk in but freeze just a few meters inside the door. He has pulled a chair up beside her bed and they are both sound asleep. His hand is loosely holding hers, resting on her stomach. His head is on the biobed, near hers. If I didn't know any better, if I hadn't seen Chakotay at lunch and on the bridge, I would think that he hadn't left her side all day. For the first time, I really see the two of them, not as Chakotay's lover, but as a complete outsider would see them. There is an air of rightness...of peace...that just emanates from where they are. As an outsider, I marvel at it, and could almost smile -- but as I return to myself, I feel the first tears sting my eyes. How could I have not seen this before? I could be Chakotay's lover forever -- in time; I could even be his wife. But I will never, ever have his heart. His heart belongs to her. And it always will. They are a study in contrasts - her light skin, and his dark; her small frame, and his solid presence. And their personalities are so divergent as well -- she is strong and analytical, he is gentle and spiritual. Yet somehow their differences seem to wrap around each other and balance each other out perfectly. They complete each other. As I look at them, it seems that they are actually breathing together, in synchronicity. I must stand there for fifteen minutes; tears running down my cheeks until the romantic tableau before me blurs. I am careful to be quiet. If he finds me there watching them, he's going to feel awful. But why should I care if he feels awful? Yet of course he hasn't done anything wrong. This is no one's fault. The thoughts that are running through my head are a jumble. Somehow, through the chaos, one thought stands out -- I don't belong here. I was not meant to be here. Then I make what is the most dramatic decision of my life, and the most sudden. I turn and leave sickbay almost blindly, glancing back only to make sure that the sound of the door does not wake either of them. I am leaving. Now. And I am utterly convinced that I am doing the right thing -- it does not feel like I am running away. I do not even feel any regret, really. All I feel is a sense of urgency -- if he catches me, he'll try to convince me to stay. There are certain advantages to being a security expert. I am confident that I can get away from here, in a shuttle, completely undetected. There is no security posted at shuttlebay two tonight -- we simply don't have enough personnel. And by re-routing systems and setting up a few false signals, I will be able to leave without anyone on the bridge being aware of it. No one will even notice that I'm missing until I don't report for duty shift in the morning. And by then, I will be long gone. And virtually untraceable. I feel a little guilty about taking the shuttle; it's one of the two class I shuttles that they have left. But they can build a new one, in time. And in the long run, it's better this way. I stop at my quarters, then Chakotay's, to pick up my few belongings. I leave him a message that doesn't say nearly enough, and I forward one to the Captain as well -- to thank her for taking me in, and to give her a little unsolicited advice. And then I am on my way. --- My security precautions have paid off. No one detects my departure. I skirt around the Vorton system and set a course for Ramura. I am going home. If there is one thing that I have learned from Voyager and it's crew -- it's that you need to have a noble purpose. I ran away from my planet, my people, without really making much of an effort to get them to see and understand what other species and other cultures have to offer us. I am going home, and I will work quietly and steadily for change on my world. I know that it will probably not happen in my lifetime, but it has to start somewhere. I can't help but smile when I think of our leaders. They aren't even going to know what hit them... As for Chakotay -- he will be confused and hurt for a while, I think. I never spoke to him of my feelings of homesickness -- I didn't want him to know that I was having any doubts. But in the long run, he will be better off without me. And I hope that he and the Captain find their way to each other. I think that they will. I think that they were meant to be -- and you can't fight fate. And I can only hope that one day, I will find what they have. Someone who balances me and completes me. Someone who loves me the way that he loves her. The way that I wish he had loved me. --- The End