The BLTS Archive-Cabin Boy
by monkee (wiecek@earthlink.net)

---

Disclaimers: Paramount owns Star Trek Voyager and all its characters.

Author's Note: A response to the Kashyk Christmas challenge.

---
October
---

Janeway groaned and leaned against the wall of the turbolift as it
made its way to the bridge. It was going to be a long day. Valdemort's
Day always was. It was the one day a year that she genuinely regretted
ever bringing Neelix aboard. It was a Talaxian holiday, very similar
to the terran 'April Fool's Day.'

Breakfast, of course, had been a joke. Or at least it was supposed to
have been a joke. Apparently, Neelix thought it would be humorous to
prepare all the food incorrectly, so that it tasted sour, or too
spicy, or generally pungent. The problem was that most of the crew
couldn't tell the difference between it and his usual fare, so the
joke had fallen a little flat.

The turbolift stopped and she stepped out onto the bridge. Studiously
ignoring the fact that the entire bridge crew was wearing Groucho Marx
glasses, with an attached nose and mustache, she headed down to her
chair. She was going to sit, but spotted the whoopee cushion in the
nick of time. Sighing, she veered off towards the ready room.

"I'll be in my ready room," she told a grinning Chakotay, evenly,
hoping that her deadly tone of voice would discourage any further
nonsense.

She knew she was being a stick-in-the-mud, but honestly -- it was the
same thing every year, and she was a little bored with it. As she
approached her ready room door, she heard Paris hiss in Chakotay's
general direction, "I TOLD you it would work!"

She didn't even want to know.

She entered her ready room and walked automatically toward the
replicator. A day like today just cried out for a jumbo cup of coffee.
Suddenly, out of the corner of her eye, she spotted a looming and
familiar figure behind her desk. Whirling and hitting her combadge in
the same instant, she barked, "Intruder alert. Security to the ready
room. Scan for Devore ships."

The words weren't even out of her mouth before she realized she'd been
had. She couldn't believe she'd fallen for it. She sighed as Tuvok,
Paris and Chakotay stormed into the ready room, phasers drawn. Paris
and Chakotay burst out laughing. Tuvok raised his eyebrows, turned,
and left the room. Clearly he was only humoring the others. She knew
he found Valdemort's Day to be 'an illogical waste of time.'

"Belay that," she said, wryly.  She walked over to her desk and
inspected the Inspector.  A life-size cardboard cut-out of him was
propped up in her chair. Inspector Kashyk, in full Devoran military
uniform.  They had him bent at the hip so he'd look more natural in
the chair.

"Don't you two have anything better to do?" she asked, pointedly.

"Oh, come on!" Paris said, defensively. "This is FUNNY!"

She scowled at him, but couldn't stop a slight smirk from forming on
her lips.  She glanced over at Chakotay.

"I always thought it was kind of funny that he sat in your chair,"
Chakotay admitted.

"Oh sure," she spat, good-naturedly. "It wasn't YOUR chair, so you
could afford to be amused!" She removed the cut-out from her seat with
a terse, "Excuse me, Inspector."

Paris reached across the desk to take it from her, but she wouldn't
relinquish it. Instead, she fumbled around with the back of it until
she figured out how to set him into a standing position.

"Don't you want me to take it away?" Paris asked, surprised.

"No!" Janeway said. She positioned the cut-out beside her desk, where
she could easily see it when she glanced up from her work.

"No?" Chakotay asked, also surprised. "What are you going to do with
it, Ka...Captain?"

She smirked at her first officer and didn't deign to reply.  She
leaned back in her chair with her hands behind her head, admiring her
new acquisition, and nodding with satisfaction.

Then she looked sharply at the Paris and Chakotay, as if she'd just
realized they were still standing there. "Dismissed," she told them,
raising her eyebrows.

After they left, she settled in and began to read the first report on
her desk. After a moment, she glanced up at the cut-out. "Kashyk," she
said, "go get me some coffee."

He didn't, of course, but the thought made her smile.

Several hours later, she strolled onto the bridge casually, the
Inspector tucked under her arm. She headed for the turbolift.
"Commander," she told Chakotay, "I'm going to take a long lunch. You
have the bridge."

As the doors swished shut behind her, she caught a glimpse of the look
on Chakotay's face.  Priceless. Perhaps Valdemort's Day wasn't so bad
after all.

---
November
---

Chakotay stood bouncing on the balls of his feet, waiting for Kathryn
to open her door. It had been weeks since they'd had dinner together
and he was very much looking forward to it. The door swished open and
he stepped inside.

"I'll be right out," Kathryn called, from her bedroom. "Help yourself
to the replicator, if you like."

He smiled. She was never ready when he arrived. She always had her
nose buried in some report until the very last second.  He turned
toward the replicator, and froze. Someone was standing there...but
who...recognition and realization hit him at once.

Kashyk. Her cardboard cut-out of Inspector Kashyk was standing by the
replicator. The one Paris had put in her ready room as a joke almost a
month ago. Why did she still have it? And in her quarters, no
less...His head swam with the implications.

He heard her voice behind him.  "What's wrong, Chakotay? You're
standing there like a statue. Don't you want anything to drink?"

"I'm standing here like a statue?" he said, trying to keep the
annoyance out of his voice, wondering why he was annoyed to begin
with. "Kathryn, why do you still have this thing?"

She looked at him with narrowed eyes. Apparently she had picked up on
his irritation.  "I like him!" she said, defensively. "He keeps me
company!"

"Kathryn," he said, exasperated, "he's CARDBOARD!"

"Exactly," she replied. "Which makes him a lot easier to take care of
than a puppy. And not nearly as nosy as a certain first officer that I
know."

She brushed past him to the replicator and called up some water and a
bottle of wine.

"Well," he mumbled, "you have to admit it's a little...odd, Kathryn."

"I don't see it that way at all," she replied. And by the tone of her
voice and the expression on her face, he could tell that was true. She
saw nothing at all unusual about it. He sighed and followed her to the
table.  He would never understand her. At least her holographic
boyfriend had been three-dimensional. Sort of.

Dinner was pleasant enough, but he couldn't help but notice that her
eyes strayed over to the cut-out frequently. And he could have sworn
that she smiled at it from time to time. From where he was sitting, he
couldn't be certain, but was that lipstick on the Inspector's neck?

It was a little distracting. The Inspector was staring straight ahead
on the cut-out, but it seemed that wherever you went in the room, his
dark eyes followed you. Chakotay had never liked the man, and now his
arrogant expression and lithe build seemed to mock him. For some
reason, the cut-out made him feel a bit...dull, in comparison. And,
frankly, a little overweight. Starfleet uniforms flattered no one, but
hell, anyone would look good dressed head to toe in black leather. It
was ridiculous - he couldn't possibly be jealous of a cardboard
cut-out. Could he?

He remembered noticing, when the actual Kashyk had been aboard, that
Kathryn was clearly attracted to him. She didn't trust him, of course,
but Chakotay knew her well enough to recognize the subtler signs of
intrigue.  It had disturbed him then, as it did now. How could she be
so attracted to Kashyk, when he was so...dark? So unlike Chakotay?

His disturbing train of thought came to an end when Kathryn spoke,
"Would you like something for dessert? I'm too full, but I could
replicate something for you."

"No," he said, glancing quickly at the slim Inspector. "Just some
coffee."

Kathryn stood up and walked directly over to the cut-out. "Come here,
Chakotay," she said. "Watch this!"

Warily, he went to her side.

"Inspector," she purred,  "Two coffees, please. One black and one
light and double sweet."

Stunned, he watched as a tray materialized next to one of the
cut-out's hands.  A moment later, the coffees appeared as well.

He bit the inside of his cheek. He was NOT going to laugh. He didn't
want to encourage her at all. But in the end, he just couldn't help
himself. His mouth turned into a smile, against his will, and an
amused snort escaped his nose.

"All right," he conceded. "That's kind of funny. How did you manage
it?"

She grinned. "B'Elanna helped me.  We linked it through the
replicator, and..."

"B'Elanna knows about this?" he asked, surprised.

"Oh, sure. We had a good time with this. She had an old transporter
from one of the damaged shuttles. It couldn't be re-charged, but it
still had enough power to handle something like this."

Perhaps he was overreacting to this whole thing. Perhaps she was just
having fun, venting her frustration with Kashyk for trying to deceive
her. B'Elanna hadn't said anything to him -- she obviously hadn't been
concerned about it. Maybe he was just being a little too sensitive.

Kathryn picked up the cups from the tray, which then dematerialized.
She handed him his, then, with her free hand, ran a finger slowly up
the Inspector's chest.

"Thank you, Inspector," she said, her blue eye's flashing seductively
at the cardboard ones.

Or perhaps he wasn't over-reacting. Chakotay sighed.

---
December
---

Kathryn Janeway tossed her PADD on the table and stood up. Enough,
already. It was time to get ready. Chakotay was coming over for dinner
tonight, and she wanted to make it a little bit special. A holiday
meal, perhaps, since it was December. There were an unusual number of
holidays and celebrations during this month among her crew, and all
the festivities left everyone feeling cheerful and upbeat.

She was not immune to the good will. In fact, she was feeling
downright giddy. Happy at the prospect of putting the reports away for
a night, and spending some time with Chakotay.  She stood in the
center of the room, spread her arms out and spun around a few times,
just to get the kinks out. She discovered that she was smiling.

"Inspector," she called across the room at her cut-out of Kashyk,
"What should I wear?"

She found herself laughing at the absurdity of the question. As if she
had a choice. Her only big decision was whether to leave the uniform
jacket on or off. She sighed. She was so sick of her uniform.
Impulsively, she decided to wear some real clothes for a change. Let
Chakotay think what he would.

She went and stood before the cut-out.  She adjusted his cap, as it
had fallen over his eyes. Couldn't have that. "Seriously," she said,
regarding Kashyk's dark eyes, now revealed once more.  "What would you
suggest?"

She gave it some thought, and smiled slowly. She knew exactly how
Kashyk would have her dress. "Excellent choice, Inspector," she
murmured, scraping her fingernail across his cheek. She turned and
headed for the bedroom.

Naturally, the door chimed when she was still only half dressed.
Chakotay was invariably a few minutes early. "Come in," she called,
and she heard the door hiss open.  "Help yourself to something from
the replicator, if you like," she called out, automatically. They had
these dinners down to a science.

A few minutes later, she emerged from her sleeping area a little
self-consciously. She didn't want to make it look like she was trying
to make an entrance. She needn't have worried. He didn't even turn
around. In fact, he seemed to be transfixed again by the Kashyk
cut-out. Perhaps the Santa hat disturbed him.

Her attention was abruptly drawn to what he was wearing. It was the
clothing he'd been wearing when they'd beamed him out of his exploding
ship. She liked to think of them as his 'Maquis clothes,' although it
wasn't something she'd say out loud. She'd nearly forgotten how good
he looked in them. She'd grown accustomed to seeing him in his uniform
almost all the time. He was almost as bad as she was, in that respect.
The earthy colors of the clothes flattered him, and the leather vest
made him look slimmer and...well, she loved the way he looked in it.

"Oh!" she heard herself say, out loud. Oops.

Startled, he whirled around. She reminded herself to close her mouth
and then she forced herself to speak, in a nearly normal tone of
voice.

"Why are you wearing that?" she asked, wryly. "Planning a mutiny?"

He said nothing and stared at her, his eyes wide, and then she
remembered her attire as well. She'd completely forgotten, in a span
of thirty seconds. She was wearing a sleeveless black dress and knee
high black leather boots. There was nothing immodest about the
ensemble, but it was certainly different from her uniform.

He shook himself, then replied, "I...Sometimes I just get a little
tired of my uniform. No offense."

She snorted. "None taken. Obviously."

He opened his mouth, then closed it, and continued staring at her.
"You look...amazing, Kathryn," he said, after a moment.

She patted his shoulder as she moved past him towards the replicator,
her fingertips grazing the smooth, worn leather. "So do you," she
said, smiling warmly.

She called up two glasses of champagne from the Inspector and gently
lifted them from the proffered tray.  She handed one to Chakotay and
offered a toast. "To December!" she said.

He smiled and they clinked their glasses and stood for a moment,
sipping the champagne. Chakotay's eyes shifted between her and the
cut-out and finally he spoke.  "Kathryn, what's the deal with this
thing?"

She rolled her eyes and sighed.  "Oh, Chakotay -- it's nothing. I just
have fun with it, that's all. I talk to him -- I can say things to him
that I can't say to anyone else on board, including you.  I used to
dance with him, until he got linked up to the replicator..."

"You danced with him?" Chakotay asked, a slight tone of disgust
slipping into his voice.

"Yes. I danced with him," she snapped.  "Sometimes I just like to do
something ridiculously absurd. I can't get giddy in front of the crew
-- and you know damned well I can't -- but when I'm alone, I figure I
can be a little silly. It makes me happy -- is that so horrible?"

She was rapidly becoming furious. It was ludicrous that she had to
defend herself to him, and about this, of all things. Who the hell did
he think he was? He must have detected her change in mood, because he
backtracked, "Well, I guess I can see..."

"Bullshit," she interrupted. "You say you see, but I don't agree.
Clearly, you don't see at all. You're very judgmental, Chakotay, did
you know that? I see the disapproval in your eyes every time I do
anything that doesn't fit in with your idea of what I should be. You
find my personal use of the holodeck abhorrent. You shake your head
when I don't show up at some ship's social function -- you know, those
are hard for me! Sometimes I WANT to be alone. And now you're trying
to make something sordid out of this silly thing that I'm doing just
for a little reprieve. You don't have any right! And you know what?
There's nothing the hell wrong with me!"

She stepped up to him, livid, and moved to within centimeters of his
face. "There's nothing WRONG with me," she repeated, vehemently.

She caught a brief glimpse of his eyes, darker than usual and
flashing, and then she found herself kissing him. Pushing him
backwards with her body into the wall behind him, and kissing him
brutally hard. And his hand was in her hair and he was holding her
head and kissing her back, his tongue forcing her lips apart. She
tried to put her glass down on a nearby table and failed - it crashed
to the ground, shattering. Chakotay didn't bother -- he just threw his
across the room, which turned her on even more.

She knew she was going to regret this, but right now she was so
aroused that she couldn't have stopped even if she wanted to. The
combination of the festive season, the champagne, the anger, the
leather...'What the hell,' she thought. 'We'll define parameters in
the morning.'

In the chaos, the cut-out of Kashyk toppled to the ground. And that
turned her on, too.

---
January
---

Chakotay surreptitiously scanned the corridor as he stepped off the
turbolift.  He nodded a greeting to Lieutenant Carey and Ensign
Williams as they walked passed him, then he stopped in front of his
quarters.  As soon as they rounded the corner, he continued down the
hall to Kathryn's door. He needed his dress uniform, and he knew it
was in there. He knew because he remembered its removal from his body
quite vividly.

It had been one of her parameters.  'We don't have to keep the
relationship a secret,' she had said, 'But we don't have to flaunt it,
either. Let's keep it discreet.' It was a reasonable request, and he'd
agreed readily.

The relationship was working out far better than he'd ever imagined.
She was quite surprised by how smoothly it was going, too, although
she still insisted that it would never survive their first serious
professional disagreement. He was determined to prove her wrong about
that.

He keyed in her code and stepped quickly into her quarters, sighing
with relief when the doors closed behind him.

He grinned slowly and stepped up to the Kashyk cut-out.  "Good
evening, Inspector," he said, mockingly.

He'd become a complete cut-out convert, and enjoyed talking to the
Inspector almost as much as Kathryn did. He especially liked to talk
to him when she wasn't around.  Now that he knew for sure that Kathryn
had never slept with Kashyk...well, he just liked to rub it in a
little.

"Hey, Kashyk," he confided. "I'm going to make love to Kathryn for
HOURS in there tonight," he said, gesturing toward the bedroom with
his chin.  He started to turn away, then reconsidered.  "Actually,
maybe we'll even do it right here on the floor in front of you.  She
likes that. As a matter of fact, so do I..."

He chuckled, then headed off to the sleeping area to change.

The cut-out, of course, said nothing. It stood there, as it always
did, with an arrogant smirk permanently plastered on its face.  But it
secretly hoped that they would opt for the floor. It loved to watch.

---

The End