The BLTS Archive - My Immortal by Midnight Topaz (ravaged_rhapsody@yahoo.com) --- Published: 02-25-07 - Updated: 02-25-07 A/N: Lori Ciani is Kirk's wife and fellow admiral, created by Gene Roddenberry for the novelization of TMP. I decided to highlight a part of their relationship in a flashback scene, and how Kirk's love for Spock affected that relationship. This fic takes its title from (and is influenced by) the Evanescence song "My Immortal" (which is in italics at the end of the fic). There's a bit of mild cursing, but nothing extreme. This is slash, a male/male romance pairing. There's nothing explicit, but if this idea offends you in any way, skip this fic. Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek, Paramount, or any other entity/company involved therein. --- "You and your first officer were more than just friends, weren't you?" He was still for a moment, lost in bittersweet memories - remembrances of stolen glances, a soft touch, sweet murmurs echoing throughout the darkness of the cabin. . . With an effort, he wrenched himself back to reality and admitted quietly, "Yes." A sad smile crossed her lovely face. "I always wondered. . . I heard the rumors, but I didn't think they were true." "Lori-" he began, frowning when he realized that he was unsure of what he was about to say. He reached toward her as if in supplication. "No, Jim." Her eyes hardened and she withdrew from his touch, putting physical as well as emotional distance between them. "I can't do this anymore. I. . . damn it, I've fallen in love with you! Can you say the same about me?" He willed the words to pass through his lips. . . but as he did so, he found that he had no desire to lie to Lori. Instead, he kept his silence and let the hand fall to his side. "That's what I thought," she said harshly. "You still love him, and you know better than I do that no one can even come close to replacing him." "You were never a replacement, Lori," he protested firmly. "Oh, really? Then tell me," she asserted, her voice dangerously soft, "why you whisper his name every night as you sleep. Why, when we make love, you say something in Vulcan. A word." T'hy'la. Just the mere thought of that particular word ignited the consistent longing in his soul. He comprehended belatedly, with a pang of guilt, that Lori was right. "I. . . I can't. . . " Laughing mirthlessly, she said icily, "Of course you can't, Jim. Because you know I'm right, and you're too much of a gentleman to crush my fragile heart to pieces." The last sentence was laden with thinly veiled sarcasm, and he grimaced. "That's not exactly what I meant." "Sure," she retorted flippantly. "I'm moving out in the morning. Don't expect me to renew our marriage contract when the opportunity arises." Retreating behind a mask of formality, he said stiffly, "That would probably be best for. . . for both of us." --- Hugging his knees to his chest, he let his head fall back. Luminescent pinpricks of light were scattered throughout the night sky, each one a distant star. . . a planet. . . "Spock," he lamented, feeling the bitter wind sting his exposed skin. "Why did you go to Vulcan? What did I do? What didn't I do?" Always the same questions. Always no answers. Staring out over the Bay, yet not seeing any of it, he whispered, "I can still feel you, you know. We always did have a partial link, even before we became lovers. It's weak, but. . . there." Shivering from the chilled night air, he climbed to his feet and started walking down the shoreline, his booted feet sinking into the gritty sand. He rubbed his arms in an attempt to warm up. . . but he knew that the most numbing cold came from within himself. "I see you everywhere," he continued quietly. "Especially in my dreams. I hear you, too. You're always so close. . . yet so far away. I was calling out your name. I was trying to make you hear me, so you would know how much I need you. . . and love you." He paused then, noticing the water gathered about his ankles with detachment. He glanced out across the choppy waves, wanting nothing more than to immerse himself in the cool, seductive water, to swim out as far as he could without looking back- No. He reluctantly forced himself to keep walking. That way lay madness. "How I can't live without you. . . and how I'm dying inside." Looking back up at the stars, he murmured, "Can you hear me? If you can, please. . . just get out of my head. This is. . . torture, Spock. I feel your presence in my mind, but I can't reach you. I never can." Feeling the now-familiar pain tear brutally though him once more, he said bitterly, "Not even in my dreams." Closing his eyes, he chuckled grimly, "On the other hand, this damn link is all I have left of you. . . and I don't want to let go. I can't." He let the wind sweep over him, the brittle gales inexplicably soothing to his ragged soul. "Even now, you hold me captive, Spock. Even now." --- //I'm so tired of being here Suppressed by all my childish fears And if you have to leave I wish that you would just leave 'Cause your presence still lingers here And it won't leave me alone These wounds won't seem to heal This pain is just too real There's just too much that time cannot erase// //When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears And I held your hand through all of these years But you still have All of me// //You used to captivate me By your resonating light Now I'm bound by the life you left behind Your face it haunts My once pleasant dreams Your voice it chased away All the sanity in me These wounds won't seem to heal This pain is just too real There's just too much that time cannot erase// //When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears And I held your hand through all of these years But you still have All of me// //I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone But though you're still with me I've been alone all along// //When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears And I held your hand through all of these years But you still have All of me// --- The End