The BLTS Archive - Admiring Fools
#2: Bridges
by Victoria Meredith (vmeredith@in-con.com)

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endeavor intended to support the Star Trek franchise.

Acknowledgement: Thanks, Melissa Jones, for the beta and
encouragement!

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"I am not going to Cardassia Prime."

Famous last words, Kira thought bitterly as she lifted the kanar
bottle to her lips. Garak, sitting nearly like a statue, held a glass
in his hand and stared at nothing. Garak had brought her a glass as
well but it didn't feel like a glass moment. She took a long pull
from the bottle, the utter vileness of the thick liquor nearly making
her gag. It was worth it. Whatever people said about kanar, it
certainly did the job.

Kira lifted herself up to pace about the cellar again. Garak's only
response to that was an annoyed sigh.

"This is the stupidest thing he's ever done, you know," Kira growled,
gesturing at Garak with the bottle. "That we've ever done. I can't
believe I let him push me into doing such an idiotic thing."

She heard a muffled crash from above and both she and Garak grimaced.
Damar. At least they knew he was still in the mansion. He had been in
such a rage that Kira had expected him to rush out into the street
and throttle the nearest Jem'Hadar. Kira wouldn't mind a little
Jem'Hadar throttling herself. And Cardassian throttling. And Vorta
throttling. Instead, she was stuck in this cellar, in the home of
late Enabran Tain of all people, with Garak and Damar in the heart of
Cardassia Prime. What a nightmare.

"I knew it," Kira snarled and kicked a storage container, toppling it
over. "I just knew it!"

"Perhaps you'd like to go and join Damar in destroying the upper
levels," Garak's voice was mild but she heard the rebuke.

Kira took another pull from the bottle, the kanar barely making a
dent in her frustration. In her rage. In her grief. She kicked the
storage container again.

Her words echoed like a mantra in her head. I am not going to
Cardassia Prime. She should have held to that. She should have kept
digging in her heels. Except Damar had dug in his heels as well, and
when it came down to it, he had the final say. Kira hated that.

"I am not going to Cardassia Prime," Kira had stated less than a day
earlier, standing in the middle of the main cavern of Damar's now
destroyed rebel base. "It's absurd."

She twitched with irritation, glaring at Damar. Damar didn't twitch.
His irritation was clear in his intense glare and deep scowl.

"Of course you are," he snapped.

"Of course I am?" Kira snapped back. "Just like that? Just on your
say so?"

"In fact, yes," Damar had nearly growled, anger flaring in his eyes.
Hurt and disappointment. "Your presence is required. Legate Sulten
and the rest need to see that uniform of yours."

"Legate, I don't think . . .," Garak started diplomatically.

"Garak, I am not entertaining a discussion on this," Damar snarled.
"I am not saying no to an entire order."

"The risk . . . " Garak tried again.

"Is worth it," Damar shot back.

All around them, the Cardassians were nearly rejoicing. Damar wanted
to rejoice as well, and she knew it angered him that she was putting
a damper on it. An entire Cardassian military order had decided to
turn against the Dominion by joining Damar's resistance. Five hundred
thousand troops and an additional one hundred thousand from a
separate division. The numbers were staggering. His resistance would
go from a few thousand men to an army, from a handful of ships to a
fleet.

If one military order decided to chose Damar as their rightful
leader, then it was expected that other orders would be encouraged
follow. With that kind of momentum, eventually Damar could have the
bulk of the Cardassian military at his back in a matter of weeks.
With his relentless fight against the Dominion and his numerous
victories, he had proved himself a worthy leader and ally, and he had
finally proved himself to the Cardassian military.

It had been part of his goal. While fighting to weaken the Dominion,
he had gained recruits every day. Gaining an order was a major step
towards the fruition of his dreams. Kira couldn't help but feel proud
of him. Until he had told her that to gain all those men, he'd have
to go to Cardassia Prime itself, and that he had expected her to go
along with him. Which had led to her being stuck on Cardassia, hiding
in a cellar.

"Stupid," Kira growled, kicking the storage container across the
cellar. "I knew this was too risky."

"It wasn't so stupid," Garak asserted. "Personally, I consider the
events fortuitous."

"Fortuitous?" Kira snapped. "There is nothing fortuitous about this!
I'm stuck on Cardassia in this cellar. Everyone in the rebellion is
dead. Everything Damar dreamed for is gone. What's so fortuitous
about any of that?"

"We're alive," Garak said simply.

"Only by the Prophets' timing," Kira conceded.

"Or by luck," Garak added, "or by destiny, perhaps. Who can say?"

"I say the Prophets."

"I say the young transporter officer who beamed us into that alcove
instead of onto the cavern's floor."

Kira nodded and took another drink. That young officer was now dead.
So was Seskal. Kira didn't expect to feel any sort of grief for
Seskal. He was a Cardassian and like them all, arrogant and hostile.
Although, unlike his late friend, Rusot, Seskal had found the
wherewithal to accept Kira as their trainer and advisor. He had come
to respect her, as did most of Damar's followers. Kira felt rather
sorry Seskal was dead. He had courage and dedication, a sharp sense
of humor and an innate talent for resistance tactics, a talent she
thought had both humiliated him and invigorated him.

"We can get you in safely," Seskal had assured her when Damar told
her she was expected to go with him to Cardassia. "It's just like any
other infiltration mission."

"I don't see that it will be too much of problem," Garak had said
with the usual small placid smile, but Kira had seen the spark in his
eyes. Damar had insisted that Garak go with them to Cardassia as
well. Damar hadn't had to insist as forcefully with Garak as he had
with Kira.

"We'll use one of our Jem'Hadar ships," Damar said, "with a current
manifest and false signals."

"I'll ensure it," Garak nodded. "We can easily get past the security
protocols for orbit."

"Seskal will pilot," Damar said.

Seskal grinned. "I'll welcome a chance to see home again, even if it
is just from orbit."

"You'll only get a short time to enjoy it," Damar said, "and you as
well, Garak. I wish it could be longer for you."

"One day, it will," Garak smiled and Kira now knew that was a
prophecy about to come true.

Gul Fernal had suggested, "I can have a Galor or two escort you."

"No," Damar shook his head. "This has to be treated like any other
infiltration mission. No need to do anything to call attention to
ourselves. Besides, I want you take care of their housing. We need to
expand our operation immediately to incorporate so many people. Send
out scouts to locate possible sites for more bases."

"Very well," Fernal replied.

"We'll also need to reconsider some of our tactics and targets,"
Damar continued, the excitement clear in his eyes. "I plan on taking
advantage of our new resources to the fullest. We'll start that
process immediately when we return with Legate Sulten and the others."

Kira had listened to them with growing annoyance, feeling the odd man
out in the midst of these happy, excited Cardassians.

"You might want to treat this as a standard infiltration mission, but
we all know that it isn't," Kira said, hearing the sharpness in her
tone. "You're talking about going right into the lion's den."

Damar looked at her, suspicion coming into his eyes, his face
hardening. It was clear to her that he was trying to hide his
disappointment and hurt, but Kira had always been able to read him
like an open book. Then he turned away from her as if she didn't
exist.

"I don't believe there is anything further than needs to be
discussed," Damar said in a hard tone to the others.

At that, Kira had ground her teeth, infuriated that he would just
shrug her off. She knew he did that to anger her. He had done that to
push her away from him, as he had been doing the past few days.

It was all because of that ridiculous trip into the alternate
universe, Kira thought, now pacing about Mila's basement where the
air was certainly cooler than she had expected on Cardassia Prime.
Kira and Damar's adventure in the alternate universe had opened a
door that neither had expected to exist. Now they were both intent on
shutting that door again. It only led to confusion and heartbreak and
intense desires that were too dangerous to indulge in, regardless of
how much they wanted to indulge such desires.

Slumping down on the edge of one of the cots, Kira took another pull
of kanar and forced herself to swallow the disgusting drink. In her
minds' eye, a memory flashed of Damar strapped to a bed and her
touching him in intimate, unimagined ways. Kira pushed the memory
away, not liking that it reminded her of her guilt. How she had taken
advantage of Damar's vulnerability by extracting a bit of revenge,
how the blaze of anger in his eyes had turned into a blaze of
passion, how she suddenly found him so arousing that she wanted to
feel him again and again.

Better the memory of Damar free, his hands, at times rough, at times
gentle, exploring every inch of her. Damar seeming to put everything
within him to bring her as much sexual pleasure as possible. Better
still the memory of just a few days ago, when they could no longer
ignore their desires, regardless that they had both agreed to do that
upon returning to their own universe. They had successfully resisted
their mutual attraction and behaved as proper, professional soldiers,
acting towards each other exactly as they had before, respectful yet
distant, for exactly one week since their return from the alternate
universe.

Kira had tried to sleep that night in the bunkroom a week later, but
lately sleep didn't come easily. She worried too much about Odo.
Every day she hoped to hear news that Odo had been cured, and with
every silent passing day, Kira's depression because of him grew. She
had left Odo so close to death, in agony and weakness, and she hated
that he had sent her away from him.

That had been his pride pushing her away, and though she understood
that, she did feel resentment for it. She wanted to be there to
support him and comfort him and hold him in his pain. Her place was
by Odo's side, giving him strength through her love and hope for him.
But in his pride, because he was ashamed for her to see him so
weakened and in pain, Odo didn't want her there. He didn't want her
to see him die. He thought that would hurt her too much. It did hurt
to see him suffer but Kira, who had seen so much death and suffering
in her life, knew she could handle that. It hurt just as much that he
didn't allow her to be with him.

Odo had tried to use Damar as an excuse to send her away, saying that
he had still needed her guidance and support for his rebellion. But
Damar had learned enough from her to know what he needed to do. He
knew the kinds of tactics he needed to use and how to accomplish
them, and he knew the targets he had to strike. In typical Cardassian
orderliness, Damar had a schedule of strikes planned for weeks in
advance, including the targets and the tactics to use. He could have
gotten along without her, though he had been grateful that she
rejoined him, and she knew how important his rebellion was to the
Alpha Quadrant. It hadn't been about Damar. It had been about Odo's
pride and independent nature and fear of causing her pain. Kira had
given him that and left him to rejoin the rebellion.

Feeling worried and frustrated and angry while thinking about Odo,
Kira lay in the dark of the bunk room listening to the soft snuffle
of Garak's sleeping breath. It was kind of Garak to sleep there in
the bunkroom with her considering she kept the cooling unit on at
high blast. He was clearly uncomfortable, but he had piled up
blankets on his bunk and didn't say a word. Now without Odo, Kira
found herself alone in a base full of Cardassians and having Garak's
familiar face around was something of a comfort. Funny how she could
trust Garak to watch her back, yet she knew that she couldn't trust
him not to stab her in the back.

Finally, Kira gave up on the pretense of sleep. Thinking that at
least she could get some work done, she rose and put on her uniform.
Garak's Intelligence cells had scouted out some new targets to
consider, and Kira decided that rather than waste time lying in the
dark feeling angry and worried because of Odo, she could better spend
the time reviewing the data. Damar's rebellion, at least, gave Kira
plenty of distraction.

Kira should have turned around and gone back to the bunkroom when she
saw Damar sitting alone in the circle of computer terminals he termed
his Command Center. Because it was the middle of the night, there was
no one else around but him. She and Damar had made a studious point
never to be alone with each other since returning from the alternate
universe. Her instincts urged her to go back to the bunkroom, but she
hadn't liked the look on Damar's face. He looked troubled and lonely
in the way only a leader could be. So much rode on his shoulders.

She walked up to him and noticed that he kept his focus on his
monitor until she stood at his side. When he looked up at her, it was
with respect and caution.

"Commander, couldn't sleep?" Damar asked as he put his focus back on
his monitor.

She looked over his shoulder to see a star map on the screen focused
on Lianer Four. Kira schooled her features to remain calm and
professional, though Lianer Four made her want to cringe. She didn't
want to have to argue with him over it again.

"Neither could you, I see," Kira said.

"Nothing new there," Damar admitted.

"Something wrong?" Kira asked.

Letting out a heavy sigh, Damar shook his head. "No word from
Starfleet that they've figured out how to counteract the Breen
weapon?"

"No, but they will any day now."

"Any day now," Damar said irritably. "You say 'any day now' every
day."

"You know Starfleet will figure out the weapon. We just have to stay
patient and keep up the fight."

"Patient," Damar snorted. "I'm not very good at patience."

"Well, it's about time you learned how to be," Kira countered.

Damar glared at her then his eyes went back to the monitor. Not
interested in dealing with Damar's foul mood, Kira turned away to go
back to the bunkroom.

"I really want to take out Lianer Four," he grumbled at her back.

Kira stopped, her shoulders slumping at that, then she steeled
herself as she turned around.

"I know you do," she said evenly, "but Lianer Four is way too much
for the resistance to handle."

"I'm aware of that. But look at it," he said as he stood and gestured
at the screen. Kira heard the longing in his voice. "It's a perfect
target. Do you realize that if Lianer falls, the Dominion's entire
perimeter in that sector could fall right along with it? Especially
since we've weakened that sector so much. With one strong blow, the
perimeter will crumble."

Stepping to his side, Kira studied the monitor. She hadn't looked at
Lianer Four quite that way but now that he pointed it out, she could
see that it was true. Damar had been saying for some time that he
wanted to take out Lianer Four, a staging ground for Dominion and
Breen troops. It was one of several large targets Damar longed to
strike but couldn't because his forces were too small. Kira had
dismissed them all, knowing it was just a waste of time to want
something they couldn't have. Now she thought she shouldn't have
dismissed Lianer Four so quickly. It was too large for the
resistance, but clearly it was a very important target.

"You should get word to Admiral Ross," she said to him. "When
Starfleet does get back into the war, Lianer Four should be the first
thing they strike."

At that, Damar scowled. With great reluctance, he nodded. "If Ross is
willing to listen to my suggestions."

"I don't see why not."

"Lianer Four shouldn't wait," he said. "The Dominion knows how weak
they are in that sector and, according to Garak's Intelligence
reports, they're making the effort to shore up their defenses."

"Then we'll just need to keep weakening their defenses," Kira pointed
out, "until the time comes for Starfleet to hit Lianer and take it
out."

"If only it was my hand doing the hitting," Damar growled, his scowl
not easing. "It's so frustrating to know exactly how to strike at the
Dominion and not be able to do it. You know, when I rebelled, I knew
what I wanted to do. I knew right where to strike the Dominion. I
know all of their weaknesses and how to take advantage of them. It's
the same thing I had been warning the Founder about all along. The
Dominion is too thinly spread. The perimeters can't be defended
effectively. They were taking too much territory too fast without
giving proper consideration to protecting the territories they had
conquered. I wanted to take advantage of that weakness. I hate that I
can't."

"You are," she reminded him. "Just not the way you expected to do it.
Lianer wouldn't be such an important target right now if we hadn't
weakened that sector with the resistance."

"Yes, but . . ." Damar stopped himself with a grimace. "I don't mean
to be insulting but there's a big difference between weakening the
Dominion and defeating them. I came into this wanting to pound them.
Wanting to hit them so hard that they would crumble. I could have
done that if I had the resources. I know how to do it. What am I
doing instead? Giving them annoying little stings."

"All those annoying little stings are adding up, Damar. I can
understand that you want to have one big victory against the
Dominion, but all your little victories are building to a big one.
You hurt the Dominion every time you take out a shipyard or a weapons
depot. You can at least take satisfaction in that."

"I should. I know it has to be the only way but I don't find it
satisfying. I wish I could use what I know and do what I do well. I
look over the data on the Dominion's positions, and I can see the
strategies it would take to defeat them. I can see how to position
the troops and the ships. I know exactly which targets to take out
first that would open avenues to further conquests. I long for an
army. For a fleet. For bold attacks that would give decisive victory."

She listened to him venting his frustrations, knowing that he had to.
It had been building up for some time. She thought that at least one
good thing had come out their adventure in the alternate universe.
Damar had started to open up more to her. He hadn't felt free to do
so before then. They had gained some trust in each other, and she
knew how much he needed support.

"I don't blame you," Kira told him. "One day you are going to have
your army and fleet and, you will be able to do the assaults you want
to do. This resistance movement is building in momentum. Every day we
gain more recruits. It's going to happen, Damar. You just have to
keep going just as you've been doing. You know it's going to take
time and . . . "

"Patience," Damar finished for her, jerking a self-deprecating
half-smile. "I'm trying."

Kira smiled as well. "I know you are. Believe me, I understand
exactly how you feel. I've been there before."

His eyes clouded at that. "Yes, you have."

"And, believe or not, I want what you want, Damar. I want you to have
an army and a fleet of ships. I want you to give the Dominion a
serious pounding. As long as I get to do some pounding myself."

He chuckled. "I'll be happy to have you pounding the Dominion right
at my side."

"That sounds like a deal," she nodded.

The scowl finally off his face, Damar relaxed. "Until then, I can
live with having you at my side giving the Dominion annoying stings."

"Just don't think that our annoying stings don't count for anything.
The Dominion won't crumble unless they're weakened first. It needs to
be done and you're doing it."

"We're doing it," he said sincerely, his eyes fastening on to hers.
"Thank you for reminding me that I'm doing some good, at least."

Kira felt a shimmer of desire pass through her, a shimmer that
distressed her. She had done well in battling back that absurd
attraction she felt for him. Only it didn't feel absurd at the
moment, and it didn't help matters that she saw desire for her come
into his eyes. Kira stepped back, leaned against the computer
console, and crossed her arms. They were professional soldiers and
they needed to act it. Besides, they had an agreement.

"You are," she said. "There's not much that I'm proud of when I was
with the Bajoran Resistance, but I am proud that, in the end, I made
a difference. That I helped to free my people. That's something you
have to remember. In the end, when everything is said and done, you
made a difference. You're helping to free your people."

"You're right," Damar said. "I do have to remember that. Their
freedom is more important to me than anything in my life. I'll do
anything to gain their freedom. Anything."

"Including working with a Bajoran," Kira said with a smile.

"That was a risky gamble," Damar smiled as well. "But it's paying
off."

"I think so."

They locked eyes again and again Kira felt desire for him and saw
desire for her in his eyes. Kissing him suddenly seemed like a very
nice thing to do. Damar looked away first and they fell into an
uncomfortable silence.

"It's hard to have such dreams for the future," Damar said, "and know
that it's possible that they can all come true when there's so little
that I can do right now to make them come true. I want it all to
happen right now, but I haven't figured out how to make life work
that way yet."

"Your dream about having an army will happen," Kira told him. "I'm
seeing it happen every day when we get more recruits."

"It is," Damar nodded. "But that's not all I dream for."

"Your new Cardassia," Kira smiled. "What will it be like?"

"I'm not sure yet," he admitted. "But we are fighting for freedom. I
knew when I rebelled against the Dominion that I had to rebel against
the Cardassian State. I couldn't do one without doing the other. It
was easier to do that knowing that the State doesn't really exist
anymore. The Dominion broke the Detapa Council and the power of the
Central Command. They even destroyed the Obsidian Order. Not that I'm
sorry about that. Once we've driven out the Dominion, what's left of
the government will crumble. We will have the chance to start anew. I
yearn for freedom now, and if we could somehow have more freedom in
Cardassia, it might help us not to go back to the old ways of doing
things."

"The military dictatorship was too controlling," Kira said. "It
oppressed your people because they didn't have freedom."

"If our people were more free, then perhaps we can stop the
oppressions from returning to Cardassia. I just have to work out how.
There would have to be some form of guarantees from the government to
protect the people's freedom."

"What kind of guarantees?"

"The protection of freedom of speech, for one thing," Damar said.

"Freedom of speech?" Kira asked with a laugh. "I don't know, Damar.
I'm not sure the universe is ready for Cardassians with freedom of
speech. Cardassians are too talkative as it is."

Damar smiled. "Well, the universe will just have to deal with that."

"I guess we'll have to," Kira replied, still holding his eyes with
hers. She wanted to embrace him and feel his body against hers and
revel in the passion he felt dreaming of the future. Damar took
another step closer. Kira held out her hand.

"Back off," she warned.

"You don't think I'd try and force you," he said quietly, standing
all too near her.

"We have an agreement," she reminded him.

"I was under duress when I made that agreement." Humor came into his
eyes.

"Duress?"

"I was still a little dizzy from all the orgasms."

Just the memory of that made Kira tingle.

"This is too risky," she said. "You know that."

"Commander, always the voice of caution," he said then sighed.
"You're stronger than I am."

"About this?" Kira snorted. "Hardly."

She lowered her voice and leaned towards him. "I want to have your
scent on my skin again."

Their tension nearly pulsed between them, and Damar's neck ridges
began to darken.

"There's a damaged Jem'Hadar ship in the engineering bay," he said.

"No," Kira tried to sound resolute.

"The engineers are waiting for a new EDS conduit from one of the
other bases," he continued. "Until that conduit arrives tomorrow, no
one is going to look at that ship twice."

"No."

"The only ones around are the sentries," Damar said, "and there are
none posted in that bay."

He took a step closer again, and Kira raised her hand against his
chest. That was a mistake. She really wanted to feel his chest under
that breastplate.

"Let's be reckless," Damar tempted her. "Let's be brave."

"This is too irresponsible," Kira insisted, trying to batten down her
rising desire for him. Having him so near made that impossible.

"If we don't," he said, ignoring her hand and leaning towards her. "I
don't know what will stop me from kissing you right here and now."

"I will," she warned.

"A kiss from you would be worth the bruises," he gave her a light
smile.

"Someone is going to come in and see us like this at any moment."

"Then we need someplace discrete," he reached up and stroked her
hand, then stepped away. "Come on."

"We can't be seen together," she said, looking around the cavern. It
was empty and silent.

"We'll go separately," Damar said. "I can trust you not to disappoint
me."

Knowing that she shouldn't, Kira nodded. "I'll follow you there in a
minute."

Damar gave her a long look, as though trying to see if she meant what
she said. But she meant it. She wanted to feel his kiss again. She
wanted to feel him. Just the thought sent a warm ache through her. An
ache she wanted satisfied. Damar nodded then walked away toward the
tunnels leading to the engineering bay.

Kira looked away, feeling at two minds. Her rational mind said stop,
but his nearness had been so arousing. That look of desire in his
eyes, the way he spoke of the future with such hope and longing that
she wanted the same future that he dreamed of. It was dangerous and
the danger only added to her desire. Her heart thumped.

After waiting a few minutes, Kira moved from the computer terminals
and down to the tunnels. She passed a sentry and nodded to him,
hoping he wouldn't think it odd that she was moving about the base in
the middle of the night following in Damar's footsteps. Arriving at
the small engineering bay, she gave a cautious look around and saw
that Damar had been right. There was no one around, and the only ship
there was the captured Dominion ship waiting for its repair. She
moved up the open ramp projecting from the ship's port side and into
the corridor of the ship itself.

She wasn't sure where she could find Damar. Not on the bridge.
Probably in one of the quarters. There were only two on the ship
since the Jem'Hadar never slept. The Vorta's quarters and the
quarters set aside in case the Founder graced the ship with her
presence. Neither seemed likely, but she gambled that Damar would
chose the Vorta's quarters over the Founder's. She came upon the door
of the Vorta's quarters then slipped inside.

Damar stood waiting for her, his armor off, and he smiled when he saw
her.

"Lock the door," he said.

Kira did as he asked then stepped towards him. Curling his arms
around her, he pulled her close.

"Thank you," he whispered in her ear. "I can't tell you how much I
need this."

Finding pleasure being held in his arms, Kira lifted her face to his
and sought his mouth with hers. The kiss, long and passionate, gave
her the oddest sense of relief. She hadn't realized just how much she
wanted to taste him again.

It had been a mistake. They both knew that. They had broken their
pact, their agreement not to give in to the desire that rode on the
admiration they felt for each other. Whatever doubts they had fled in
the rapture of passion as Damar took her into the bed and did all
that he could to arouse and satisfy her with his hands and his mouth.
As she aroused and satisfied him and, in an odd way, it pleased her
to see him respond to her touch and kisses with such pleasure and
passion. It was somehow refreshing to see his delight.

After long and luscious foreplay, he came inside of her and
completely fulfilled her. As they both climaxed nearly at the same
time, everything was forgotten. In a torrent of hot juice and
convulsing muscles and thrashing bodies, she letting out high,
shuddering cries and he growling in mutual ecstasy, all pain and
doubts and worries disappeared in an intensely blissful moment of
complete unity.

Again and again, Damar, so insatiable, had brought her into up into
arousal, then fulfilled her in ecstasy and in that wondrous sense of
unity with him and he with her, pumping in and out together, their
gasping breath perfectly timed, their hearts racing to the same beat.

Exhausted, they curled down on the bed, each holding one another as
though wanting to hold every inch of the other. Finally, finally, he
was sated. She had never had a lover like him. No, not lover. That
implied love and they weren't in love. Admirer. That was better for
that was what they were in. They were in admiration, less than love,
more than lust. For a little while, Kira allowed her mind to close to
all the reality around her except lying in Damar's arms. Then reality
started to creep back in again.

Oh, this was foolish. Dangerous. And more than a little absurd. They
both were stronger than this, weren't they? He had certainly become
one of the strongest men she knew, and though he did have a weakness
for sex, she really couldn't blame it all on his voracious libido.
Not with her indulging her own weakness right along with him. She had
a life long habit of resisting Cardassians. So why couldn't she
resist this one? Especially this one?

Kira pulled away from Damar, feeling sickened that she had betrayed
Odo yet again. That she allowed herself to get caught up in Damar's
alluring mixture of strength and passion and idealistic visions of
the future while forgetting who he really was. Forgetting what never
should be forgotten. Or forgiven. This had to stop before it was too
late.

---

"I am not leaving Cardassia."

Damar took a long swallow of kanar, guilt stabbing him as relief
filled him. How he had missed kanar. How he had loved it, though it
had nearly destroyed him. He had a bad habit of loving things that
would destroy him. Kanar. Dukat. Kira. Cardassia.

Kira. Damar had tried not think about her when he had searched about
Enabran Tain's mansion, hoping to find a supply of kanar. She had
betrayed him. He needed her support but she refused to give it. Just
as she kept showing him tantalizing glimpses of what they could have
together, only to push him away and deny him the possibility of what
could have been.

He needed her strength now more than ever, but her first response to
the devastating news that all that they had worked for had been
destroyed was to quit. To demand that they leave. To run away to the
Federation. Just the thought that she wanted to abandon him incensed
him. Damar had stalked through the spacious kitchen, hardly
registering how clean and orderly it was as he searched for kanar,
eager to give in to the cravings that had been plaguing him for
months.

He really wasn't surprised that Kira 's first response was to run
away. After all, she had been running away from him ever since the
last time they laid in each other's arms and made ecstatic love to
each other in the Dominion ship. Running away from him and back to
Odo. Odo, where she really belonged.

Damar had tried to drown his bitterness in kanar as he moved through
the mansion, his pain never abating, his rage only growing. What did
he expect from Kira? Of course her first instinct would be to run
back to Odo. She had never wanted to be near Damar in the first
place. Kira had only joined his rebellion because she had been
ordered into it. She was only on Cardassia because he had forced her
to come with him. Good thing, too. If he had given in to her demands
and left her behind, she'd be dead.

Upon hearing the news of the destruction of his forces from the mouth
of that loathsome Vorta, Damar had turned away, growing numb from the
horror. He held onto a wall in the cellar as though the wall would
support his suddenly weakened knees. And Kira, with fury in her eyes,
had pushed at him so roughly that it had nearly felt like a punch. He
glared down at her.

"Now," she had snapped. "We've to got to find a way off Cardassia.
Garak, can we use that thing to contact the Federation?"

"With a signal that strong," Garak said, looking stunned and
horrified as he sat in front of the comm unit, "the Dominion would
trace our location in a matter of seconds."

"Well, we've got to do something," Kira insisted as she snapped her
Starfleet comm badge onto her chest. "We are not going to spend the
rest of this war in this cellar. Are we."

Damar ignored her and turned away, moving to one of the cots they had
set up that afternoon in the cellar. He sank down on the side of the
cot and stared at the floor while Garak sat, his eyes still round
with desolate shock, staring out at nothing.

"Are we?" Kira insisted, sounding a bit desperate.

For a moment, as the shock settled into him, Damar felt nothing. Then
grief and hopelessness began to crush him. Thousands of men had
followed him. They believed in him, and this was what their belief
had brought them. Death. The more Damar grieved for them, the more
hopeless he felt, the more an ember of rage within him began to
become stoked into a fire.

"I'm not staying here," Kira snapped from behind him. He could hear
her pacing and he could nearly feel the heat of her fury on his back.
"Not for a minute longer than I have to. We're going back to the
Federation and join the war effort there."

Rage heated Damar's bones as his grief grew more intolerable.
Everything he had worked for, everything he had dreamed, the Dominion
had destroyed. He wished Kira would stop ranting, and he tried to
ignore her. Easy for her to talk about giving up and going back to
her comfortable Federation life. Easy for her to shrug off their
betrayal as unimportant.

Her hopes and dreams weren't tied up in his resistance movement. She
didn't care about Cardassian liberation. Kira had only helped Damar
succeed in his rebellion because he had helped the Federation
Alliance by weakening the Dominion. Kira's goal was to drive the
Dominion out of the Alpha Quadrant and Damar wanted that as well. But
driving the Dominion out of Cardassia and freeing his people was far
more important to him. For Damar, his fight for Cardassia's freedom
was everything. It had become his whole life.

Damar had given up everything for his people's freedom. The comfort
and security of stability and order. His drinking and his
philandering. The meager power he once held within the Dominion. He
had given up the thing that had motivated him the most, the thing
that had driven him all his adult life, his thirst for conquest. He
had overcome his delusions and preconceptions, his falsities and
hatreds, his weaknesses and his pretenses. Everything within him that
he had left to give, he had given to make true his vision of the
future, a future of freedom and eventual peace.

The Dominion had destroyed his family, killed his wife and his son in
retribution, and now they had destroyed the rebellion that had been
poised to make true all of Damar's glorious, noble dreams. He had
nothing left. Nothing.

"This isn't finished," Kira insisted. "There's a war being fought and
it isn't being fought here. We just need to slip into one of the
launch bays and steal a ship. We'll be away from Cardassia in no
time."

"I'm not leaving," Damar growled, frustrated that she refused to just
be quiet and leave him to grieve in peace.

"Damar, you wanted to fight a conventional war," Kira said at his
back. "Now's your chance. I know how much you hated having to use
resistance tactics. It's not your style. It's not where your talents
lie. You're a strategist and a good one. The Federation Alliance can
use your skill. You know the Dominion like the back of your hand, and
you know how to defeat them better than anyone."

"Enough!" Damar suddenly roared, bolting to his feet, turning to
glare at her. "Enough. I'm not leaving. I'm not running away. I'm not
turning my back on Cardassia."

"If you help the Federation Alliance drive the Dominion out of the
Alpha Quadrant, then you'll be helping to free your people from them.
You know that."

"I am not leaving Cardassia," he barked and dug in his heels.

"Don't be stubborn about this, Damar," Kira glared at him, folding
her arms over her breasts.

"I'll be as stubborn as I damned well please. I belong here and here
is where I'm staying."

"And do what?" Kira challenged.

"I have no idea!" Damar thundered. Rage nearly made him tremble.
"What is there for me to do? I have nothing left! I have no friends
here. No family. No supporters. If the military was going to join me
before, they certainly aren't now that I am beaten."

Enraged by the pain of that, he picked up a storage container and
hurled it across the room. He had no idea what he was going to do. He
was the leader. He was supposed to know. No matter what, he knew he
wasn't leaving.

Feeling his temper grow murderous, Damar had turned on his heel and
bounded up the stairs, not knowing where he was going, only knowing
he couldn't stay there with her.

"Where are you going?" Kira snapped, her furious eyes watching him
move up the stairs.

"I don't know," he snarled back.

"Don't you dare leave this house," Kira had insisted, rushing to the
foot of the stairs as though to stop him.

"Don't tell me what to do!" he had turned at the top of the stairs to
bark down at her. "I'm not leaving the house. I'm not an idiot."

"Then where are you going?"

"Some place where you aren't."

---

Kira tried to ignore the muffled sound of destruction above her,
though at times, she thought that the ceiling was about to cave in.
She could hardly blame Damar for being in such rage. So many things
were going right for him before everything suddenly crumbled away. It
pained her to think that so much he had worked for, so much he had
gone through, had come to nothing.

They had been building a satisfying momentum, just as Damar had
hoped. More recruits joined them every day. The Dominion felt Damar's
wrath in small but stinging ways. She and Damar had managed to set
aside so much to work with each other - nearly too much, it seemed to
Kira - and the Cardassians in his resistance had settled down about
her, willing to accept her.

When had it all gone wrong? It felt as though things had started to
crumble before the betrayal that had destroyed his entire rebellion.
It had started to crumble when she and Damar had stolen away for
illicit love-making in the Jem'Hadar ship, when she had allowed
herself to give more of herself to him than she had expected to. It
was then that Kira knew she had to pull back from him, and when Damar
seemed to start to pull back from her.

Feeling stiff from resting after her work-out with Damar and tired
from her lack of sleep, Kira had made her way from the Dominion ship
and through the carved-out tunnels of their base. She had wished she
could forget about being with Damar, but she found that impossible.
Not with his scent on her skin. Her conscience ravaged her with every
inhale. The sooner she had a sonic shower the better. Unfortunately,
the shower suddenly seemed a long way away when she moved into the
large cavern of Damar's Command Center and found Garak rushing up to
her.

"Commander, where have you been?" Garak had asked her.

"Just taking a walk," Kira told him as she looked around and noticed
Cardassian soldiers moving about the large cavern. "I guess that I
just lost track of time."

"Apparently so," Garak frowned at her. "You were gone half the night."

Kira's heart thudded, fearful that he knew, though she couldn't
imagine how. But with Damar's scent so strong on her skin, she
wondered how Garak couldn't smell him on her.

"Couldn't sleep," she said with a nonchalant shrug.

Garak's frown turned sympathetic. "Perhaps you should see one of the
physicians here. You haven't been sleeping well for some time now."

"The physicians have better things to do," Kira said. "Don't worry
about it."

"If you insist," Garak replied, though she knew that he would
continue to worry. "Have you seen Legate Damar?"

"Yes," Kira replied as coolly as possible and gestured down the
corridor. "I saw him in the Engineering Bay. Why?"

"We've received excellent news," Garak told her with a note of
excitement in his voice. "The Fourth Order . . . hold on."

Garak broke off, looking towards the tunnel. Turning her head, Kira
saw Damar striding forward. Garak gestured to him.

"Legate Damar," Garak greeted him.

"Mr. Garak," Damar gave him a cool nod then another one for Kira.
"Commander Kira."

"Damar," Kira replied just as cool.

"You're not usually such an early riser, Damar" Garak noted.

"I couldn't sleep," he admitted.

Garak gave a glance at Kira. "A problem that seems to be going
around."

"You as well?" Damar asked Kira politely.

"It's nothing to worry about," Kira assured him, playing his game.

"I have good news," Garak said, gesturing with his padd. "We've
received word from Gul Miset of the Fourth Order. He's bringing his
battalion to your side."

Beaming at him, Damar snatched the padd in from his hand. "Another
battalion."

"That's the fifth one in two weeks," Kira said. "We're going to run
out of room."

"You're right," Damar said. "We'll have to expand our operation."

"Congratulations, Damar," Kira said sincerely.

Smiling, his eyes flickered to hers then back to the padd as though
not daring to look at her for too long.

"Yes," Garak agreed. "It looks as though you're catching the
attention of the military."

"We're catching their attention," Damar corrected him.

"It's about time," Kira put in.

"I'd better go gather my Intelligence cell," Garak said giving a
slight bow of farewell to each of them before he left their side.

"This is amazing," Damar muttered, staring at the padd. "Soon we'll
be able to take on the Dominion head to head."

"See, I told you it was happening," Kira said.

"Yes you did," Damar nodded. "We're building an army. A fleet. Once
Starfleet figures out how to withstand the Breen weapon, they'll be
back in the war, and all the powers of the Alpha Quadrant will stand
united against the Dominion."

Damar's smile and zeal was infectious. "The Dominion doesn't stand a
chance," Kira laughed.

"No, they don't," Damar looked at her, held her by his eyes, and her
sense of unity with him stirred her. Then they both quickly looked
away, Damar turning his head.

"I'm glad for you," Kira told him softly.

"Thank you. This wouldn't be happening without you."

"My pleasure."

For an uncomfortable moment, they stood still and quiet. Kira didn't
want to leave his side and lose the pleasure of being near him. Yet
they both seemed to understand that it was too dangerous to be seen
alone together, especially when they locked eyes and Damar looking
about ready to kiss her again.

"Don't you have a mission today?" Damar asked, still looking away
from her.

"The Evari sensor array," Kira said, remembering. "I better go. I'll
see you later."

"Good luck."

"Thanks."

As she turned away, Damar suddenly looked at her. "Be careful."

"Always," she assured him.

"I'd hate for something to happen to you," he said quietly, concern
clear in his eyes.

"Me, too," Kira had quipped and walked away.

That "be careful" had been a warning sign, Kira realized. It was one
thing to indulge a physical desire with Damar. It was one thing to
support him in his efforts against the Dominion. But Damar had taken
it a step too far. He had started to care about her. While that felt
nice, she knew the danger in allowing him to get too close to her. In
spite of everything, there was still a gulf between them that could
never be bridged. If his feelings for her had deepened, it only meant
that those feelings were going to get hurt.

Definitely hurt, Kira thought as she lifted the kanar bottle to her
mouth. She should have been stronger, more forceful in pushing him
away. She had tried to be gentle, but gentle didn't work with a man
like Damar. When he grabbed a hold of something, he never let go of
it easily even when letting go was his only choice. Besides, why
would he even think that she would want him when she had Odo? Odo was
a better man than Damar could ever hope to be.

---

Damar had stormed through the mansion, hardly noticing how large the
house really was. Mila was no where in sight, which was just as well.
He didn't want to be around anyone. He didn't know what he wanted to
do except he needed to think, and he needed release the tremendous
rage roaring through him. Rage and intolerable grief. The faces of
his men now dead haunted his memories. He felt pushed to the breaking
point, and any more time spent with Kira would send him over the
edge. He knew he couldn't stand hearing her say "I told you so", and
he knew she was going to say that the first chance she got.

What an infuriating woman. What an enticing, passionate, frustrating
woman! If only he had never come to know how enticing and passionate
she was. If only he had never realized how deeply he admired her and
how much he wanted her support of him.

What did he want from her anyway? A woman to hold and kiss and enjoy
sex with. Someone who looked at him with admiration, but who was
still capable of laughing at him or arguing with him or pushing him
to try harder and to be better. Someone to care for and lift up when
she was down. Someone to love. Someone to take off the edge of the
awful loneliness that continued to weigh on him. What else was there
that a man wanted from a woman?

All he really wanted was what she had given him only a few days
earlier when they had met covertly to give in to the desires that had
constantly strained at them. The mingling of sex and companionship
and emotional support, when he had focused on her and left behind his
troubles and loneliness. The last pleasure he knew had been in Kira's
arms in the stolen Jem'Hadar ship. She had entered the ship and came
to him without hesitation, her kiss eager and welcome.

He had needed that, thrilled by how her tongue eagerly explored his
mouth. For a week he had needed it. He had told himself that he
shouldn't. He told himself that it wasn't right. But he couldn't
ignore his desire for her. He needed the touch of a woman. It made
the grim surroundings of his base less grim. It made his constant
loneliness ease for just a little while.

Curling his fingers through her hair, Damar's mouth left hers and
traveled over her chin and down to her shoulders. He suckled at her
skin under her chin and she gave a murmur of pleasure. Enjoying the
feel of her breasts pressed up against him, he pulled away to strip
off his shirt. Kira did the same, revealing her breasts captured in
the simple white bra. Damar reached out to stroke the soft material
and the soft flesh beneath it then reached around her to release her
breasts from their captivity. Admiring her rounded form, Damar
kneaded her flesh and rubbed at her hardened nipples.

She stepped away then took off her pants, wearing a relaxed smile,
with a gleam of excitement in her eyes. He felt that excitement, born
on the danger and recklessness of this act and the anticipation of
what would come. He pulled off his boots and took off his pants, and
Kira looked down at him and took a deep breath. She moved to the bed
and curled onto it as he followed her. They lay together, flesh
against flesh, breast against breast, sex against sex.

She smelled wonderful, he thought as he explored her body, as only a
woman could smell. He curled his head down over her breasts and
sucked at the nipple and bit at it with his teeth. Kira's hand came
down against his neck ridge, and he felt a shiver of delight as she
rubbed him with just the right amount of roughness. She was a fast
learner and a generous lover, so willing to give him the same
pleasure he tried to give her.

He felt the thrilling build up of tension and pressure in his
swelling testicular pod. He explored her with his hands and his
mouth, and she explored him the same way and her every touch and kiss
aroused him more and more. Like the first time they had been
together, she seemed as fascinated by his pod and scales as he was
with the curling hairs covering her mound.

She rubbed his opening pod then brought her mouth down to suck and
bite at his plump glandular scales. He gasped, feeling himself
blossom open, his penis swelling and freeing itself from the nest of
throbbing scales, as Kira's wet tongue lapped at the sensitive
undersides of his scales. Growing harder by the moment, Kira
encouraged him by moving her mouth down over his penis, taking all of
him into her mouth and sucking deeply. He groaned as her tongue
licked around his ridges, arousing him until he could barely hold
himself back.

Then, he traded places with her, exploring every inch of her sex with
his tongue. Heat radiated from her and as she grew wet, she made the
most satisfying sounds of pleasure. Under his mouth she quivered and
when he knew she as ready as he was, he lowered himself down over her
and eased his penis into her tight vagina.

Kira gasped, a sound of pain mixed with pleasure, and he moved into
her slowly. Warm and moist, she enveloped him. Every time one of his
ridges hit her clitoris, they both quivered and gasped. Down and down
he went into her until her vagina entirely engulfed him. Her curly
hairs cushioning and lightly tickling the sensitive inside of his pod
as he pressed against her mound felt strange and alien and very nice.
He drew himself out of her just as slowly. He picked up speed as he
thrust back into her and further speed as he came out again. Thrust,
thrust and she panted and moaned and convulsed with him, her muscles
constricting and releasing in such a way that sent tremors through
him.

He felt her ready to come, and he thrust in and out in a quick, hard
rhythm that had her clutching the bed covers. Just as he felt he
could no longer hold back, she came, hot juice pouring over his cock
and out around his throbbing scales, and he came at nearly the same
time with a growl of blissful release. Together united in ecstasy, he
would live forever in that moment if he could.

Still hard, he was ready for more but she was not. He eased out of
her and let her rest, and he spent some time caressing her breasts
and kissing her mouth. Then they moved on the bed, changing positions
with her on top of him. She lowered over his cock, her fingers
bumping over his ridges, her thumb rubbing hard over the underside.
His breathing became shuddering gasps. Then she took him in her mouth
again and sucked him hard and moved him in and out of her mouth until
he could no longer hold back. Into her mouth, he released himself
again.

Wiping his cum off her mouth, she gave him a grin then moved over his
still engorged cock, easing it into her vagina. She lowered down over
him until her mound pressed against his thick scales then she pulled
back up and Damar felt the pressure build up inside of him again.
Pumping up and down over him, her weight and strength and rhythm
nearly made him dizzy, and he gripped her hips, encouraging her to
keep going, as that painful, wonderful throbbing built up in his
cock. The ridges against her clitoris and the heat sent him over the
edge, and his cum burst out of him. Another moment of united bliss,
she came as he did, their juices mingling.

Kira pulled away from him and flopped down on the bed, a satisfied
smile on her face. Then she looked at him and laughed with a
disbelieving shake of her head. He wasn't finished. He laid down with
her, holding her and rubbing against her, her soft body against his
hard cock bringing more shivers of delight. Soon enough, she stopped
panting for breath, and he could hear her heartbeat calm down as he
laid his head against her chest.

Damar moved to her mound and lapped at the cum glistening in her
hairs and lubricating her labia. He buried his face down between her
legs and ran circles and patterns around her clitoris with his
tongue. He loved how she gave yips of delight and pleasure. Soon she
began to gasp and tremble on the bed again and soon she gave a
shuddering moan and came into his mouth. Damar crawled back up to lay
on his side next to her and she curled around to face him. He pressed
up against her, his hard cock and flared open pod scales rubbing up
against her stomach, and let her rest again. But his penis still
throbbed and he knew he needed more. He kissed her and caressed her,
working to bring her back up to arousal, and she knew what he was
doing and pulled away.

"No," she said. "I don't think I can take it. You're going to have to
carry me out of here as it is."

Damar turned and lay on his back. He understood. This had happened
before. He could either finish the job or let it go away on it's own
accord. Not that he liked either choice. Next him, Kira sighed and he
felt her finger caress the underside of his penis. He let out a moan.

"Just give me a little while," she said. "I'm not one to leave a man
unsatisfied."

"If we stop now, I will be satisfied enough," he assured her. "This
has been wonderful."

"It has," she agreed with a smile and stroked the muscles of his
arms. "But I know it's not enough for you." Turning again, he lay
with her face to face.

Kira closed her eyes, still stroking his arm, and she looked so
peaceful that he suspected that all she really wanted to do was to
fall asleep. He'd let her. She had done enough for him, and he was
pleased that he had satisfied her. His eyes lingering on her face, he
felt a bit restless and tried to tell his body to calm down and to
tell his cock to ease up. Not that his cock ever listened to him.

What a lucky man Odo was to have this woman, he thought and that
thought was a mistake. Guilt rose up at his betrayal of Odo. She
loved Odo and he loved her. What Damar felt for Kira, a deep
admiration, was pale in comparison. Every day since Odo succumbed to
his disease and sent Kira away from him, Damar saw the worry and
tension in Kira's face. He knew Odo was constantly in her thoughts,
and it hurt her to be away from him.

He didn't understand why Odo sent her away from him. If Damar had
been dying from such a ravaging disease, he wouldn't send a woman
like Kira away from him. He would have wanted to spend the last days
of his life loving such a woman, and with his last breath, he would
want to see the love in a woman's eyes. He didn't understand why Odo
didn't want such a comfort. Damar could only hope to have in death
what Odo had denied himself.

He reached out and stroked Kira's cheek. She opened her eyes and
smiled at him, and he felt glad that for this short time the worry
and tension had left her. He did feel guilty, but at least he gave
Kira some distraction and pleasure in these difficult times. That had
to count for something, didn't it?

Still stroking her face, Damar looked into her eyes and said, "How is
it that I didn't notice how beautiful your eyes are? They're so dark
and shining. I was blind to so many things, but how could I have been
so blind to this?"

She didn't say anything and that was just as well. It had been too
dangerous of him to refer back to his ignoble past. But she did seem
to enjoy the compliment and she moved closer to him, her breasts
against his. Then she pulled her leg up and hooked it around his. He
smiled. She was ready for more.

"Only if you want this," Damar whispered, wanting this himself.

Kira nodded, spreading her legs so that her mound rubbed up against
his penis and scales. He slipped his leg under hers and they twined
together. Slipping his hand down between their bodies, his finger
sought out her vagina. He explored the area with his hand, feeling
her warm and wet, though not wet enough. With his finger and thumb,
he rubbed at her clitoris and as he did so, a dreamy look came into
her eyes. She quivered under his hand. He worked her some more,
rubbing and rubbing, watching her flinch and gasp. She grew wetter
still.

Damar eased into her again, feeling relief at the warmth inside of
her. He rolled up over her and face to face, they pumped in and out,
against each other, then away. He could do this forever but forever
he didn't have. The throbbing of his cock rose and in a torrent, he
came and she climaxed with him and together they gasped as one.
Finally, the exquisite throbbing came to an end and he was sated.
With legs and arms around each other and him still inside of her,
they rested against each other, both smiling, both at peace. Then he
pulled out of her and held her close. They dozed for a while until
Kira, ever the responsible one, stirred.

"We have to get out of here," Kira said.

"Do we?" Damar replied lazily but he knew she was right. They had
been in the ship for hours and the day shift would start soon. They
untwined their arms and legs and Damar rose from the bed. Kira made
the effort with a groan, swinging her legs around the side of the bed.

Raising her hand up to him, she said, "Help me up." He complied and
grabbed her hand to hoist her up out of the bed. Kira groaned again
and bent over to rub the back of her thighs.

"You thought I was joking when I said you'd have to carry me out of
here," she said with a grin as Damar dressed himself.

"That would definitely raise some suspicions," he said lightly then
frowned at her. "Are you going to be all right?"

"Yeah," she said and hobbled over to her clothes. "You know us
Bajorans. We're resilient."

"You've proved that to me," Damar said and he clasped on his armor.
"In more ways than one."

Kira dressed then sank back down on the bed with a shake of her head.

"This is all your fault," she grumbled and gave him a mock glare.

"It is," he agreed with a laugh.

"You tempted me into this," she accused him.

"I did," he said.

"This should really, really be the last time," Kira said. "If we get
away with it this time, it'll only be because we're lucky."

"I feel lucky," Damar grinned at her. "You want another agreement."

"What, so we can break it again?" Kira snapped and stood again with a
groan. "Well, I'm not going to break it again. I can't believe I did
this!"

"You're going to have to put a little more anger behind your words,"
Damar said, "if you want me to actually believe that you regret this."

Kira sighed. "A part of me is kicking myself for being so foolish.
This is too irresponsible. We have to stop."

"We've barely started," Damar pointed out.

"Which should make it easier," Kira said.

"For you, maybe," Damar snorted. "It's harder to resist you now more
than ever. Look, we're adults."

"Yes."

"And professionals."

"Yes."

"So, we know how to be discrete."

Kira rolled her eyes at him. "This is the last time. Get that through
your thick head. If anyone found out about this, imagine how much
respect you're going to lose with your men."

"We don't actually know that would happen. My men respect me. They
respect you. Some of them feel as I do, that a Bajoran fighting for
Cardassian freedom is a very inspiring thing. It gives hope for the
future. They might actually accept us together."

She threw her arms up in frustration. "Damar, take your head out of
the clouds. We are not 'together'. This is just a physical attraction
and damned annoying one at that."

Damar felt a little insulted. "We know it's more than physical. I
don't mean to imply more than what we already know. We admire each
other. That's enough for me."

"Well, you're going to have to admire me from afar," Kira said.
"Because I'm not going to risk my relationship with Odo over you."

Damar lowered his head, guilt kicking at him again for his
selfishness. "Odo is more important than the two of us indulging
ourselves. You love him and I don't want to ruin that for you."

Kira's dark eyes turned troubled, and she looked away from him as he
realized that all the pain and worry she had been able to forget
while in his arms had now rushed back into her.

"I'm sorry," he said softly.

"I feel so awful," she murmured.

Damar went to her and pulled her into an embrace. Lying her head
against his chest, Kira seemed to struggle against tears. It
unsettled him, a part of him sad that he added to her pain over Odo
by giving her a reason to feel guilty. Kira could be so cool and
professional, but Damar knew how passionate she really was and how
deeply she felt her emotions, regardless that she tried to hide them
behind a hard veneer. In a lot of ways, he thought as he held her,
they really weren't all that different.

"I love Odo," Kira murmured, and Damar felt a bit of dark pain stir
in his heart. "I can't stand not being with him. I just can't keep
him out of my mind. I miss him so much. I hate that he sent me away
from him. Every day, all the time, I pray so hard to the Prophets
that he'll live and come back to me."

"He's a fine man," Damar responded. "I admire his courage. His
decency."

"I hate that we did this."

At that, Damar stiffened, the pain sharpening. Kira pulled away to
look up at him.

"Damar, I didn't mean . . . I just . . ."

"No," he said softly. "It's all right. You love Odo and Odo loves
you. You don't love me and I don't love you. That's all that needs to
be said."

Strangely, Damar felt as though he had just uttered a lie. Kira left
his embrace, and his arms suddenly felt cold without her.

"I appreciate that you understand," Kira said to him.

"It's all right, Commander."

At that, Kira began to laugh.

"What?" Damar asked.

"Well, we just," Kira laughed, making a gesture towards the bed, "and
you keep calling me 'Commander'. You did that while we were having
sex."

Damar had to laugh as well. "Did I?"

A mischievous gleam came into her eyes. "So, you like your women
domineering. Commanding."

Damar's laugh faded as he appraised her. "Not usually."

"I don't think I can handle being called 'Commander' in bed," she
said, still smiling. "Call me Nerys. At least, in private."

"I thought we weren't going to have any more private moments in bed."

"We're not," Kira said quickly. "You're right."

"Nerys. It's a lovely name."

"Thank you."

Damar placed his hand on his chest. "Esorel."

"Esorel," Kira repeated seriously. "I understand the honor of
allowing non-family members to use first names for Cardassians. I
appreciate the honor."

"My pleasure. Now, I think we better get out of here."

"Separately," Kira replied.

Damar gestured to the door. "After you."

He watched her leave, feeling conflicted about her. He liked her and
admired her and being with her again felt though they just jumped
over another obstacle in their path. But he knew that he never wanted
to hold her in his arms again and comfort her about Odo. Perhaps that
wasn't the right attitude, but he didn't think he could handle that.
It hurt too much.

---

Kira's thoughts on lingered on Odo as she lounged on the cot in the
cellar. Her thoughts were a mixture of pleasant memories and feelings
of guilt, but one thought suddenly made her blood freeze. She sat up
in alarm.

"By the Prophets," she exclaimed in realization. "They all think
we're dead."

Garak frowned at her. "Yes, that was the point of Weyoun's message.
They're all probably out there right now rejoicing."

"No, I mean all our friends think we're dead." Kira felt sickened by
that thought.

"If they heard the news, yes," Garak nodded. "I imagined that Weyoun
beamed the message of Damar's defeat across the Alpha Quadrant."

"They could be mourning us right now."

"Mourning you, at least."

Kira gave him an annoyed look. "And you, Garak. There are a lot of
people who are probably feeling very sad because they think you're
dead."

"I'm sure," Garak gave her a false, bland smile.

"Julian for one," Kira pointed out. "You know that. And I know
General Martok thinks highly of you. Ezri cares about you and so does
Odo. I hate that they think we're dead. I wish there was some way to
let them know we're all right."

"Perhaps something will present itself," Garak said with a diffident
shrug.

Kira sighed. Odo thought she was dead. At that moment, he was
probably feeling pain and grief and for no reason at all. It hurt her
to think that Odo hurt. It frustrated her that she couldn't contact
him. She saw him in her memories and memories of him were all that
she had. The last time they spoke had filled her with such joy. Joy
and relief and frustration that she couldn't hold him and rejoice
with him. And guilt because the last time she saw him had been the
afternoon after spending the night indulging herself with Damar.

Late that day, she had arrived back at the base after her mission,
exhausted yet prideful of her success. Finding Damar with Gul Fernal
at the computer terminals of the Command Center, she came up to give
her report.

"Another sensor array bites the dust," she had announced.

"Excellent," Damar smiled. "Well done."

Fernal rolled his eyes. "Sensor arrays," he muttered peevishly.

Kira chuckled. Fernal had turned out to be a good man, an older
Cardassian with enough age and experience to give him wisdom, but he
had a conservative nature. He had fought against the Bajoran
Resistance during the Occupation and, though he accepted it as
necessary, he wasn't pleased that he had to use the same tactics that
had driven Cardassia out of Bajor.

"I hope the sensor array gave you a good battle," Fernal went on,
half-jesting.

"No, but the three Jem'Hadar battle cruisers did," Kira replied with
cool bravado.

Damar frowned. "Three? They're stepping up their security."

"No kidding. Consider that a good thing, Damar. You have the Dominion
afraid of you."

"Of us," he corrected almost as a knee-jerk response. "Did everyone
make it out all right?"

"All hands accounted for, thanks to our helmsman. He really is a very
good officer."

"I'm glad to know that," Damar replied. "If I knew who he was, I'd
happily go and congratulate him personally. I wish that I could. I
hate not knowing who is in which cell."

"You know the necessity," Kira reminded him.

"I do," Damar said in annoyance. "That doesn't mean that I have to
like it. Your helmsman deserves recognition. This isn't the first
time he's gotten you out of trouble. Recognition and reward for
excellent service is very important for morale."

"It is," Kira agreed, "but the morale of my cell is high. Victory
tends to do that."

"At least, let him know of my esteem," Damar asked of her.

"I will. He'll be pleased with that."

As she spoke, Damar's adjutant, Glinn Yelin, hurried up to them.

"Excuse me, Legate," Yelin interrupted politely then looked to Kira.
"Commander, you have an incoming message scrambled through sub-space.
From Terok . . . ah, Deep Space Nine."

Kira's heart thudded at that, her first thought going to Odo, as she
heard Damar laugh.

"I believe that's becoming the official name for the station in the
resistance," Damar quipped. "Terok-ah-Deep Space Nine."

Yelin blushed dark gray at that and Kira shook her head at Damar.

"You've been guilty of that yourself," she pointed out.

"Yes, I have," Damar agreed and gave Yelin a smile that seemed to
ease the young man's embarrassment.

"Excuse me," Kira said and moved across the cavern to the sub-space
monitor. Strange, she thought as she walked, how there seemed to be a
role-reversal with Damar and his adjutant. Once Damar, rough and
blunt, had been the adjutant of the cultured and sophisticated Dukat.
Now, a young cultured and sophisticated Cardassian had to answer to
Damar in much the same way. Though Yelin did seem to come from the
higher echelons of Cardassian society, that was where his resemblance
to Dukat ended. Kira liked Yelin's sensitivity and openness, never
arrogant or condescending.

Many of the younger Cardassians in the resistance seemed somehow
better than their older counterparts - more open-minded and not quite
so hard. She thought that was because they had all come of age during
the time of the dissident movement and Cardassia's former civilian
government. They had become used to radical shifts in their society
and new ideas of how things should be done, young enough not to be
set in their ways. Kira hoped so. The new Cardassia, after all, would
be built by them more than by the older generations.

She tended to think of all the Cardassians in the resistance as
better than the others since they had the courage and conviction to
risk their lives for their freedom and the others had not. Still,
there were conservative, arrogant hard-liners among the rebels,
willing to fight for freedom from the Dominion but not seeming to be
very supportive of Damar's formative ideas about the new Cardassia.
Damar continued to strive to turn their thinking around, though Kira
suspected that some never would.

As she sat down at the sub-space monitor, Kira tensed and took a deep
breath. Thinking about the Cardassians had only been a distraction
from thinking about Odo. Either this transmission from Deep Space
Nine would be good news or bad news about him. Kira steeled herself
and turned on the monitor. Kira sighed with relief at the sight on
the screen. Odo, whole and alive, his deep eyes gleaming with love.

Reaching out, she stroked the screen with her fingers, wishing she
could stroke his face and hold him against her. She saw that he was
doing the same to his own screen, having the same ache of separation.
Tears welled in her eyes and she fought against them. She felt safe
with her tears with Odo, but not around the Cardassians. She didn't
want them to see her lose control over herself in weeping, though her
heart felt ready to burst with tears of joy and love.

"Odo," she breathed.

"Nerys," he said softly, his gruff voice warm and full of longing.
"I've missed you."

"I've missed you, too," Kira replied, though this annoyed her. You
wouldn't have missed me if you hadn't sent me away, she wanted to say
but didn't. That would be too hurtful, and she loved him too much to
hurt him.

"The cure worked?" she asked the obvious.

"Completely," Odo said and a troubled looked passed over his eyes.

"What is it?" she asked.

"Nothing," he demurred. "I only wish that I could somehow take the
cure back to my people."

As ever, so compassionate, Kira thought with fondness. "One day, when
this is all over."

"If it's not too late."

"When you will be coming back to the resistance?"

"As soon as Doctor Bashir releases me from medical leave. He's
convinced that I'm totally cured, and I feel absolutely fine, but he
refuses to release me. Standard procedure, he calls it."

Odo harrumphed at that and rolled his eyes, making Kira laugh.

"At least, I know you'll be coming back," she said. "I can't wait to
be with you again."

"Me, too," Odo said. "How are things there? Is Damar behaving
himself?"

At that, Kira's heart hammered with fear and guilt. "Oh, you know
Damar," she shrugged.

He harrumphed again. "At least Garak is there to keep you two at arms
length."

If only that were the case, Kira thought. Aloud, she said, "It's not
that bad. Damar's changed a lot."

"Well, it was about time that he grew up."

"Exactly."

"And how is he?"

Kira blinked at him, wishing to drop the subject. "He's fine."

"He was in a great deal of pain the last time I saw him," Odo said.
"The loss of his family was a cruel blow."

"He still hurts but he's strong enough to deal with it," Kira told
him. "It's amazing how strong he's become."

"Ah," Odo said knowingly.

"What do you mean, ah?" Kira asked, trying her best not to sound
nervous.

Odo gave her that smile she had become so fond of. "You admire him."

"Damar?" she stammered, not liking how closely Odo had struck to the
truth.

"Admit it, Nerys," Odo teased her. "If he wasn't a Cardassian, he'd
be just the sort you'd admire."

"Odo," she protested.

"I knew it," Odo gave a fond shake of his head. "He's turned into a
very fine leader, Nerys. You should at least give him that. Try not
to be so hard on him."

"I'll try," she promised with relief.

"I should be there in about a week. If not sooner, if I can talk
Bashir into it."

Kira smiled at him. "I can't tell you how glad I am, Odo. I'm so
happy knowing you're all right. I've been so worried."

"I'm sorry," Odo said, his eyes troubled.

"It's not your fault."

For some reason, he only grew more troubled. "I suppose not," he
muttered then gave her a brave smile. "We'll talk about it later.
When I get there."

"All right," she said to him. "I love you, Odo."

"I love you, Nerys," he replied then cut the transmission.

Kira slumped back into her chair, staring at the blank monitor and
feeling a confusion of emotions of guilt and longing, love and joy.
Taking a deep breath, she held back her tears again and stood.

Going back to the others at the computer terminals, she gave them a
happy smile, while her tears refused to stop welling in her eyes.

"Odo's all right," she told them. "He's cured."

Damar grinned, seeming to be happy, yet she saw a note of pain in his
eyes that troubled her.

"That's wonderful," he said nearly too sincerely.

"Excellent news," Fernal beamed at her. "Just excellent."

"I'm so glad," Yelin told her. "Odo is a fine man."

"He is," Kira agreed, "though I didn't realize that you felt that
way."

"He risked his life for us," Damar said, now completely earnest. "He
fought for Cardassian independence and that makes him one of us."

"Precisely," Fernal declared. "Will he be rejoining us?"

"Soon," Kira replied, humorously wondering how Odo would react to a
group of Cardassians declaring him one of them. Then a strange
thought struck her. Did they think of her in the same way? Did these
Cardassians see that far beyond her Bajoran nose ridges to think of
her as one of them? The thought stunned her.

"Commander?" Damar's voice drew her out of her revelry.

"Odo thinks he'll be back with us in about a week," she said.

"Excellent," Damar replied as he stood. "I look forward to seeing him
again. If you'll excuse me."

Kira frowned at his retreating back. This was bothering him and she
didn't like that. No doubt he was disappointed that their sexual
trysts were over, but they had agreed to that earlier before she
found out about Odo returning. Then again, they had agreed to ignore
their mutual desires before and that hadn't worked. Probably Damar
had hoped to entice her back into his bed again. She had found it
extremely annoying that just the thought of Damar enticing her sent a
warm tingle through her insides.

---

After some searching, Damar had found the kanar in the pantry in the
kitchen. The old woman - what was her name? Mila - kept a store of
it, as a proper Cardassian housekeeper should. Who she kept it for he
hadn't a clue. The mansion was large and empty, filled with
belongings yet barren with the only sign of life its humble keeper.
Mila. He felt gratitude and annoyance because of her. He acknowledged
her kindness in sheltering them, but it made his blood boil that she
didn't care whether or not she lived out the rest of her days under
the Dominion's cruel thumb. Had all of his people come to that point?
Had they all decided that the Dominion wasn't worth fighting against?
Just the thought of that made him sick.

But really, what did he expect from an old woman? She couldn't take
up arms and fight. She was only a civilian. He had fought on her
behalf. He had fought and risked everything and had lost everything
for her and every single Cardassian citizen. She didn't care about
that. None of them cared.

Rage and grief had warred within him as he went through the mansion.
None of them cared and he knew why. He knew the bitter truth. How
different, really, were their lives under the Dominion from what
their lives had been like under the Cardassian State? Besides the
utter humiliation and insult of having to live under the Founder's
rule and of having Jem'Hadar and Breen patrol their streets, not much
was different. The Cardassian people, after all, were used to
oppression. They had lived with it for nearly five hundred years. Did
it make a difference if the oppression came from their invaders
instead of from their military dictatorship? Apparently not.

Damar stumbled into a room, bitter tears suddenly blinding him. Tears
of pain and loss. The worse loss of all. The loss of hope. The loss
of his dreams. His dream of a better Cardassia would now never come
to pass. The bright and noble things he wanted for Cardassia had been
stripped from him in destruction and death and betrayal.

He had stormed out of the cellar, fury pushing him forward, and he
had longed to go and find Weyoun and hand him his head once and for
all. Then, he thought in vengeful fantasy, he'd find Revok and rip
out his cold, treacherous heart. Of course, he couldn't do that and
it disgusted him that he was so impotent. Nearly blinded by fury and
tears, Damar had grabbed the closest thing in the room he had entered
and hurled it. A slender standing lamp thudded on the carpet, the
light fixture shattering.

That had felt so satisfying that he moved further into the room, took
another long drink then set the bottle down. Vaguely he realized
through his boiling fury that the room he had set out to demolish was
a library. He grabbed a chair and flung it across the room. He
crushed fistfuls of data rods under his bootheels. He took every padd
he could find and smashed them against the walls. Small lamps joined
the first on the ground. Everything he could get his hands on he
smashed and hurled and mutilated.

All the while, names kept listing themselves in his head as his mind
desperately sought out his betrayer. Who had done this to him? Who
had betrayed him and Cardassia so cruelly? Who had chosen the
Dominion over the hope of the future? Fernal? Yelin? Onan? Neavar?
The names listed but he couldn't bring himself to imagine that any of
them would betray the rebellion. They had all hated the Dominion.
They had all risked their lives to free Cardassia. Why turn against
the very thing they had risked their lives for?

They had all supported him. Hadn't they? Rusot's face filtered into
Damar's mind and the padd he was about to hurl across the room fell
limply from his hand. Rusot had supported the fight against the
Dominion, but he hadn't given Damar the support that he needed. The
support for the changes Damar knew Cardassia required. Were there
others like Rusot, willing to fight but not willing to change?

Was it Fernal? It made Damar sick to think that of the older, wiser
man. He had been so dedicated to the fight, but just how dedicated
was he to the new Cardassia being birthed within their rebellion?
What had Fernal said only a few days ago?

"It's only a matter of how you go about doing it."

That day, while going over Intelligence reports with Garak and Fernal
in the command center, Damar had gotten carried away again. Lately,
he realized, he had gotten into a bad habit of running off at the
mouth. He wasn't usually so loquacious, but he had so many new ideas,
new thoughts and perspectives that he tended to talk about them at
length to anyone willing to listen. Garak and Fernal had been a
patient audience.

"Our people need to have hope," Damar had said as he paced about
verbalizing his thoughts, "that by fighting against the Dominion,
they'll be fighting for something better than what we had before.
Gaining freedom from the Dominion will give us the opportunity to
recreate our State."

"Our State was just fine the way it was," Fernal had said. "We just
need to get the Dominion's hands off of it."

"The State was hardly perfect," Garak had demurred. "It had a
tendency to be a bit extreme."

"Exactly," Damar nodded. "Extreme. Too controlling. Too focused on
conquest to see to the real needs of our people. The power was are
too concentrated in the hands of too few people."

"It's that sort flaw that brought in the Dominion in the first
place," Garak pointed out.

That stopped Damar short. "How do you mean?"

"You were there, Damar," Garak gave him an enigmatic smile. "You know
what had happened. Dukat gathered supporters and staged a military
coup using the Dominion as his power base. Dukat made the alliance
with the Dominion and had the hubris to assume he spoke on behalf of
all Cardassians even though he wasn't the leader of Cardassia at the
time. He had no legal authority to create that alliance in the first
place. In one fell swoop, because of one man, the Dominion took over
everything."

Damar's mouth went dry and an annoying craving for kanar assaulted
him. He didn't like to think about the part he had played in bringing
in the Dominion. That he had argued against them with Dukat at the
time didn't mean very much. He knew, as he knew then, that he had
been powerless to stop the alliance. It still filled him guilt
nonetheless.

"Dukat . . . " Damar started then stopped. "He thought that the
Dominion . . ."

Garak interrupted him, "I know, Damar. I know. Dukat believed that he
was acting in the best interests of Cardassia. The problem with men
like Dukat is that they confuse Cardassia's best interests with their
own. And he didn't have the right to act on behalf of Cardassia in
the first place. His actions perfectly illustrate the flaw within our
State that you identified. Because the State allowed power to be too
concentrated, we've had to deal with coups time and again, sometimes
to our detriment. And once someone like Dukat or even yourself gains
power, there's little that can be done to legally to take you out of
power. The only ways are assassinations or betrayals or another coup."

"That is true," Fernal said with a frown. "It is a flaw that should
be corrected."

"We will," Damar nodded, warming up again to what he really wanted to
talk about. "We've made the State more important than our people when
the whole purpose of the State is to serve our people's needs. Power
should to be more balanced within the government. It's every
citizen's duty to serve the State but in exchange for that duty, the
State should give our people more power and freedom. There would need
to be guarantees to protect our people's rights. Now, the civilian
government tried to correct the flaws but . . . "

Fernal interrupted with a groan. "Civilian government? Please don't
tell me you're seriously considering trying that again."

"It's just an option we should consider," Damar stated.

"And reject," Fernal shook his head. "Power shouldn't be put in the
hand of the people. They wouldn't know what to do with it, as the
former civilian government proved."

Anger stirred within Damar at that. "That's a condescending attitude
to take with your fellow Cardassians. Are you saying that the average
Cardassian citizen isn't intelligent enough to properly handle power?"

"I merely meant that the average citizen doesn't have the wherewithal
to . . ."

"I happen to be an average Cardassian citizen," Damar snapped at him.

Fernal blinked at him. "You're hardly average, Legate."

"Yes, I am," Damar insisted, anger riding in his tone. "I wasn't born
into a powerful, influential family as most of our leaders were. I
grew up listening to our leaders tell us that we had be to selfless
and dedicated to the good of the State while nearly everyone of them
were selfish, ambitious power-hungry men who couldn't care less about
the needs of our people. The powerful see our people as servants to
serve as foot soldiers in our wars and to bake their bread for them."

Both Garak and Fernal seemed taken aback by his vitriolic rant, just
as Damar was surprised by the anger that had suddenly poured out of
him.

"That's carrying it a bit far, Damar," Garak said cautiously.

"I don't think so," Damar said, calming himself down. "The Dominion
is abusing their power in their oppression and tyranny against our
people. Our leaders haven't been much better. I wasn't much better. I
never had much power under the Dominion but what little I had I did
abuse and no one could lift a finger to stop me."

"I agree with many of the things you're saying, Legate Damar," Fernal
told him. "There has been abuse of power and too much power in the
hands of too few people. But these ideas of yours are awfully
extreme. Freedom of speech. Free enterprise. Honestly, all I expected
when I joined you was fighting off the Dominion. I certainly didn't
expect my leader to turn himself into a radical."

"I'm not a radical," Damar argued. "I'm just willing to consider new
ideas about how our government should operate. They only seem extreme
because they're different from what we've done before. I'm not saying
that we're going to do them all, but they should be considered. We're
too quick to reject ideas like freedom of speech."

"With good reason," Fernal state. "Such freedom is dangerous."

"Only if the State isn't flexible enough to accommodate it. We reject
freedom of speech because our leaders are afraid of having their
authority questioned. Perhaps if it was questioned, it would make our
leaders more responsible in their use of their authority."

"I suppose that's one way to look at it," Fernal admitted.

"We just need to be more open-minded," Damar said.

"We should be used to that," Fernal gave a rueful chuckle. "We've had
to be open-minded ever since Commander Kira joined us."

"And it's been worth the effort," Damar nodded. "Creating a new
Cardassian government will be a struggle, but it will be worth the
effort as well. Fernal, you want a better Cardassia just as Garak and
I do."

"Of course," Fernal smiled at him. "It's only a matter of how you go
about doing it."

"It's only a matter of how you go about doing it."

Standing in the ruined library, Damar felt his energy seep from him.
He grabbed the bottle of kanar and took a long swallow. Righting a
chair he had toppled over, he sank down into it. Tears suddenly
threatened again as Fernal's name rose to the top of his list of
suspected betrayers.

He didn't know how he would have created a new government. He had a
lot of ideas but nothing concrete. Now none of those ideas would come
to anything. If not Fernal, then someone else in the resistance had
stolen his dreams.

---

"I still say we have a chance to steal a ship," Kira muttered,
sitting slumped on the cot. "I know that's something you can pull
off."

"I'm sure we can find a way to get you off Cardassia," Garak said
distractedly.

Kira frowned at him. Damar was upstairs exploding with rage but Garak
seemed to be pulling inward, his emotions flat, his eyes staring at
nothing. Though Garak's emotions were always a little hard to read.
He was rarely demonstrative about anything. Now, however, it seemed
more to Kira that he wasn't hiding his emotions. He simply wasn't
feeling them. Damar's hope had been crushed by the destruction of the
rebellion. Had Garak's hope been equally crushed? She wondered just
how deeply Garak's faith in Damar had run. Perhaps deeper than she
had suspected.

"You don't want to leave Cardassia, either," Kira said to him.

"I'm not sure," Garak confessed. "After seven years of exile, I'm not
eager to leave Cardassia again. But I'm of no use to anyone hiding in
this cellar. Perhaps you're right. We should go back to Deep Space
Nine and continue as we had been doing before Damar rebelled. As
though it had never happened."

Not liking his tone, she asked, "What are you talking about?"

"The rebellion has come to nothing," Garak said bitterly. "It's as if
it wasn't even worth the effort. Just a blip on the screen of
history. It was a nice idea. Our disreputable leader rebelling.
Fighting for freedom. Fighting for a new Cardassia. But we both know
Cardassians aren't interested in freedom. We not interested in
actually changing things for the better. We like Cardassia just the
way it is."

"I don't think that's true, Garak," Kira argued. "Cardassia was
changing before the Dominion came. With the dissident movement and
then the civilian government . . ."

Garak snorted. "More blips on the screen. More hopes dashed and
dreams crumbling with nothing changed in the end except now Cardassia
has an even more oppressive government under the Dominion than we did
with our own beloved State. The rebellion was meaningless in the end."

Kira bristled at that. "It's not meaningless," she snapped. "The
resistance did a lot of good and you shouldn't lose sight of that. We
destroyed over half of the Dominion's shipyards and weapons depots.
We severely weakened them. That's something to take pride in."

"Has it changed anything?" Garak challenged. "Cardassia isn't free
because of it. The Dominion is still too strong. Our military is
still blindly following them. All that we had dreamed of is now dead.
I should have known better than to get caught up in another man's
idealistic fantasy. I should have known better than to actually hope
in something and dream for something that we can never have. And I
certainly should have known better than to have hope in a man like
Damar."

"What happened isn't Damar's fault," Kira said with a shake of her
head.

"Isn't it?" Garak asked coldly. "Not everyone in the rebellion liked
this idea of a new Cardassia. Damar was getting too radical to suit
the traditional officers there. Rusot wasn't the only one who
couldn't handle the direction Damar was moving towards."

"You think we were betrayed because he wanted to change things for
the better?"

"You heard the things he kept talking about lately. Freedom of
speech. Civilian government again. Free enterprise."

"I don't think those things are so radical," Kira shrugged.

"Well, of course you wouldn't," Garak sneered. "But we are talking
about Cardassians, not Bajorans. Damar was becoming too extreme. I
suppose he can't help himself. It's how he thinks. With him, it's all
or nothing."

"It's always been his trouble during the rebellion," Kira said. "He
dreams so big that he gets short-sighted."

"He does dream big," Garak said softly. "Too bad none of those dreams
are going to come true. Some of them were rather nice."

A crash from upstairs jolted Kira to her feet. She glared at the
ceiling. "I've had enough of this," she snarled.

"Leave him be," Garak admonished her.

"Garak, this is your childhood home," she said, rounding on him.
"Don't you care that Damar is demolishing it?"

Garak gave her a bland smile. "Not really."

---

Drinking from the bottle, Damar surveyed in the wreckage he had
created in the library while his unhappy memories refused to give him
peace, his feelings for Kira refusing to sort themselves out.

How absurd that he actually had feelings for her. He didn't love her,
yet some part of him thought that he could. A part of him wanted to
love her and have her love him back. He admired her and she admired
him but admiration wasn't enough. It was gratifying but it wasn't
enough.

Perhaps it would have been easier if she had pushed him away by being
cold and distant. But she didn't and that only kept his feelings in
confusion about her. Sometimes she acted nearly as though they were
friends, as though they never had anything more than friendship or,
strangely enough, that they had never had anything less. Other times,
she was nothing but hostile to him, refusing to support anything that
he wanted to do. He hated that.

He hadn't realize how much she had come to mean to him until two days
ago when Glinn Yelin had come to him in the Command Center, concern
pinching his face.

"Excuse me, Legate," the young adjutant had addressed him. "Commander
Kira has returned but the mission had some difficulty. She's in the
Infirmary."

Fear had seized his breath. Turning on his heel, Damar rushed from
the Command Center. He moved through the twisting tunnels to the
small cavern set aside for the base Infirmary. As he entered, Damar's
eyes raked over the room, past men lying on bunks and the physicians
attending them. In the room of carved stone and surrounded by the
gray skin and gray uniforms of the Cardassians, Kira's dark red hair
and burgundy Starfleet uniform stood out as a beacon among them.
Relieved to see her sitting on the edge of a bunk with a Cardassian
physician tending her head, Damar strode up to her.

"I told you to be careful," he snapped angrily at her.

Seeming to be surprised at his tone, Kira's eyes flashed. "I was,"
she defended.

Not liking the sight of the blood on her uniform, Damar rejoined,
"Getting wounded is not being careful."

Kira gaped at him, her eyes growing hot. Then she snapped her mouth
closed as though to cut off a retort.

"It's only a small cut and a concussion," the physician told him as
she moved her scanner across Kira's forehead. "And I've healed it
just fine. She'll be all right."

Sliding off the bunk, Kira looked at the physician. "I am assume that
we're done here?"

"Yes, though I want you to rest for the remainder of the day," the
physician said. "Let me know if you have any dizziness or problems
with your vision."

"I will," Kira said and turned her eyes to Damar, fire still flashing
in them. "I want to talk to you."

She spun on her heel and started to stride out of the Infirmary.
Displeased by her commanding tone, Damar stalked behind her. Once out
of the Infirmary, she led him into an adjacent store room filled with
crates of medical supplies. Then she rounded on him and jabbed her
finger at him.

"You are not going to start trying to protect me," Kira snapped.

Her attitude fanning his anger, Damar fought to hold on to his
temper. "That's not what I'm doing. I'm concerned. You're a valuable
asset to this rebellion and I . . ."

"Oh, no," Kira shook her head. "I've been a valuable asset to this
rebellion the moment I got here, but you were never this concerned
about me getting wounded on a mission."

"That's not true," Damar denied.

"Amazing, isn't it?" Kira said sarcastically. "A week ago, you would
have never dropped everything and coming running to see if I was all
right when I got wounded."

"Who said I dropped anything?" Damar grumbled.

Kira sighed. "Look, I know that this is a confusing time. I'm not
sure where we stand any more but that doesn't matter. We have a job
to do here, and you have much more important things to worry about
than me. You know I can handle myself."

"Yes, getting a concussion shows me that you can handle yourself,"
Damar rejoined.

Rolling her eyes in irritation, Kira said, "Getting wounded or even
dying is always a risk, and no matter how careful I am, that's not
something that can always be avoided."

"It can be avoided by you not going on any more missions."

"That's not going to happen," she snapped.

"It will if I order it," he snapped back.

Her eyes flashed again at that then she closed them and took a long
breath. "Damar, you said that you admired my courage and dedication
to freedom. I proved those things to you by fighting at your side.
Are you really asking me not to be the person that you admire?"

It would be better if I admired you less, Damar nearly said aloud.
"Asking you not to fight would be asking you not to be true to who
you are," he admitted.

"And who I am is someone willing to risk her life for your cause. If
you admire that, if you value that, then you have to accept the risk."

Damar looked into her eyes, his heart swelling at seeing the courage
and dedication in her. The purity of those things within her, the
strength of her spirit, inspired him, and, eye to eye he felt so
suddenly united with her in the shared aspects of each other that he
felt as though he was nearly looking into a part of his own soul. For
he knew, regardless of all of his faults and regrets and black
history, he was just as courageous, just as dedicated and strong as
she was. She brought out his best and reflected it back to him.

She broke the spell, turning her head away from him, and pain rushed
into his heart. He had felt the unity between them, but if she had as
well, she rejected it.

"I can accept the risk of admiring you," Damar said. "Can you accept
the same risk of admiring me?"

Kira shook her head. "We've gone too far with this admiration
business, and I certainly hope it hasn't become anything more than
that."

Damar's eyes narrowed. "Why would I feel anything more than that for
you? I admire you and I desire you. That's all."

"Damar, I can't help whatever you want to call your feelings for me,"
Kira said with strained patience. "I didn't want any of this to
happen, but you and I are just going to have to get over it. I love
Odo and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Nothing you do
or feel is ever going to change that."

"Odo is just a convenient excuse," Damar stated with a shake of his
head. "Odo lets you avoid even considering that you have feelings for
me. There's a part of you that hates that you feel affection or
admiration or may be even love for any Cardassian and especially me."

"Like you can't say the same thing about your own feelings about
Bajorans and especially me?" she challenged. "I know how much you
hate Bajorans."

He shook his head. "Not anymore. I'm not even sure that I ever did."

Kira snorted at that. "You were hostile to every Bajoran you looked
at on DS9. And I got the brunt of your hatred back then."

"You were just as hostile to every Cardassian you encountered," Damar
sneered. "And especially me."

"Of course I was. You were the enemy."

"Except that we were supposed to have been allies."

"You never went along with that and neither did I. You saw me as your
enemy the minute you stepped onto the station."

"Yes and like me, you never even thought to consider me as anything
else. You set out to make my life as miserable as possible. You loved
to bait and goad me whenever you had the chance. You couldn't do that
with Dukat, so you targeted me."

"That's because you made such an easy target," Kira smirked. "All
that rage and hatred in you made you a powder keg."

He suddenly smiled. "You always did know how to make my blood boil."

At that, Kira swallowed. "You do, too," she admitted. "But we both
know that we're better off keeping cool than hot around each other."

Looking away, bitterness tightened his expression. "If we must," he
said tightly.

"I think it's for the best," Kira said, her tone resolute.

"How's the rest of your cell?" he asked, hearing the coldness
creeping into his voice.

"They're all fine," she replied, avoiding his eyes. "Though my
hot-shot helmsman is grounded for a while. Our ship took some heavy
damage."

"Repairable?"

"I think so."

"Good. Do as the doctor said and rest."

"All right."

Damar had turned away and walked out of the room feeling like an
automaton, his body moving, but his spirit longing to stay in the
room and stay with Kira and feel again the fleeting moment of united
souls, a unity that would be forever denied him.

What he really wanted was love and that would never be his. A man
like him didn't deserve love, especially not from someone was strong
and good as Kira Nerys. Odo was the man for her, though that only
caused cold and angry jealousy to thunder through him. He knew how
wrong that was. He had no right to jealousy.

He couldn't believe the first thing he felt upon hearing the news
that Odo would live was bitter disappointment. As if he had actually
wanted Odo to die. Self-loathing added to the terrible jealousy. He
didn't want Odo to die. That was absurd. Odo was one of the most
decent, honorable men Damar had ever met. He respected Odo and was
deeply grateful to him. Odo was as Damar had called him, one of
Cardassia's freedom fighters. No, he didn't want Odo to die.

As self-loathing gripped him, Damar took a long drink of the kanar.
He had only wanted Odo out of the way so that Kira would be free to
love him. Ridiculous, Damar berated himself, hating himself for
feeling these things and thinking these thoughts. He didn't love
Kira. He didn't. He admired her and she excited him with sexual
desire, but that was not love.

Besides, Kira would never love him back. Never. After all, he was a
murderer and he didn't deserve love. All he could do was to try to
right the wrongs he had done in his life and strive to be the best
leader he could be. But there was one wrong that he could never right
no matter what he did.

Ziyal.

Damar groaned as pain gripped his heart, and her face rose in his
mind as it had done a thousand times ever since that moment of
madness and death. Ziyal haunted him. Even now, he still couldn't
completely believe that he had killed her. He didn't want to face the
sheer hatred and rage that had driven him to it, the utter madness
and confusion that had warped and twisted that moment in time. The
moment when he had been the worst he had ever been.

Since that moment, Damar had justified himself and justified himself,
but no amount of justifications would ever turn a wrong into a right.
Kira's words thudded through him. What kind of people give those
orders? What kind of people killed innocent women and children? Him.

He had been convinced of Ziyal's guilt of treason but now, now that
he was fighting the very forces that Ziyal had acted against . . .
now, he could no longer justify himself.

Damar doubled over, clutching his stomach as tears of self-loathing
and guilt sprang into his eyes. The guilt that had robbed him of
sleep for two years and had driven him to drinking to utter excess
still gripped his heart. He would never be free of that. What could
he do? How could he right a wrong that could never be righted? How
could he bring back the dead?

He had nearly drowned in blood and now he felt ready to drown in hot,
bitter tears. What kind of people? Him. The amount of death he had
caused in his misguided, torturous fight on behalf of the Dominion
crushed his spirit. Federation deaths. Klingon deaths. Romulan
deaths. Cardassian deaths. How could he ever, ever make amends for
any of that?

No, he would never deserve to be loved. He deserved punishment and it
seemed that destiny had brought him that. Punishing years under the
cruel yoke of the Dominion. A punishing fight against them that
forced him to kill his own people. A punishing betrayal that had
crushed all his hopes and dreams. Punishing brutality that had
murdered his wife and son.

Eren. The pain of his son's death took his breath away. Eren. His
bright, inquisitive son, too young to understand the world yet
hopeful of his place within it. Damar longed to hold his small body
against his own and listen to Eren tell him all about the games he
had played that day in the nursery. Damar deserved to be punished but
not his son. Not his only child.

The cruelty of his child's murder still staggered him. Perhaps he had
been naïve when he had lamented his death in front of Kira, wanting
to know out loud how could any one do such a thing to an innocent
child. He still desperately wanted to make sense of it, though such a
brutal act could never truly be fathomed.

Damar's breath came in sharp gasps. Wiping his face, he tried to calm
down. Ever since that harrowing journey to capture the Breen weapon,
Damar had spent hours alone at night, allowing his grief to pour out
of him. He mourned Sagia, his wife, the woman he had learned to love
but not nearly as much as he could have, and he knew that he would
never stop mourning the death of his son. He would never stop
mourning Ziyal. Were two lives for one life enough? It didn't feel
that way to him.

What he wanted was impossible and he been a fool to hope for it. He
had to let Kira go, as painful as that was. Love would be a precious
gift and one he was unworthy to receive. That didn't matter. He loved
Cardassia and that was enough. For all of the darkness of his soul
and all blood he had shed and lives he had taken, his love for his
people drove him in its intensity and brought him a little light, a
little hope. And that was enough. It had to be because it was all
that he had left.

---

Holding his bottle, Damar pulled himself out of the chair, feeling a
tremendous weight on him. The weight of Cardassia and all of its
people. He had felt the burden for two years and still didn't
understand why it hadn't crushed him yet. He staggered out of the
room, drinking as he walked, a little surprised by how quickly he
felt the effects of intoxication. Once, only months ago, it would
have taken the entire bottle just to gain the slightest intoxication.
Guilt stabbed at him again over that. Damar ignored it and moved into
another room.

When he entered, he gave a vicious smile. He realized where he was.
Enabran Tain's private home office. Damar circled the room, giving
everything he saw evil glares. How many people had died because of
decisions that had been made in this office? How many innocents had
suffered because of Tain's cruel, controlling hands? How many people
were ruined in Tain's quest for more and more power?

Tain had once been the most despised man in Cardassia. Damar knew
that he now held that dishonor. All of Cardassia hated him and that
never was made more clear to him than on that day. Cardassia's
drunken puppet-leader had dared to rebel against established order.
Dared to declare the military itself his enemy. Dared to defy
Cardassia's beloved way of life. Cardassians hated people like him.
He used to hate people like him. Dissidents. He once hated dissidents
only to turn around and try to make himself into the greatest
dissident of them all. A lot of good that did.

Damar prowled the office, his eyes sweeping over the computer
terminal fitted into the desk. That computer had been wiped years
ago, after Tain's death, after Cardassia had been freed from the
Obsidian Order, after the hated dissidents had taken power. All of
Tain's dirty secrets gone. Good riddance.

The office was as he had expected. Staid though comfortable with a
couch along one wall and padded chairs at the desk and in front of
it. Shelves filled with momentos and pieces of art, more art hanging
on the walls. He took a long drink as he considered the first thing
he wanted to destroy. Setting down the bottle, he reached out and
grabbed a small sculpture. He nearly shattered it on the ground
before pulling back. The sculpture was probably an original. Probably
valuable. Probably a fine example of Cardassian culture. Damar valued
Cardassian culture, but he stared at the heavy sculpture in his hand
and thought it was pathetic. Hurling it against a wall, it thudded
and fell to the ground, broken in two.

Damar sneered at the paintings on the wall. More originals. More
pathetic attempts at art. His people's creativity had become so staid
and stiff, dull and repetitive. Everything looked alike, the same
themes repeated over and over again. The glorification of the
military ideal. The glorification of Cardassia's history. The
glorification of people who were both oppressors and oppressed.

So this is what Enabran Tain considered art, Damar thought sourly as
he examined one of the paintings. People in stiff poses looking stern
and unyielding while Cardassian Inquistors taught their children that
this was what strength looked like. This was how they were supposed
to be. How he was supposed to be. Damar grabbed a small chair and
smashed it against the painting, shattering the protective glass,
ripping into the canvas.

As he destroyed the paintings on the walls, hatred stirred into
Damar's heart, adding fuel to his rage. Tain had been despised and
now Damar had living proof of why Tain had deserved it down in the
cellar. He had no idea why he felt such hatred for Tain because of
Garak, but the idea that a father had exiled his own son filled him
with disgust. Tain, Garak had said, had refused to acknowledge that
Garak was his son because Tain had been the head of the Obsidian
Order. In Damar's eyes, Tain valued his own power over his own son.
Where was the family loyalty in that? The greatest of Cardassian
virtues and Tain had disregarded what all Cardassians held dear,
their own children, in his thirst for power. Tain hadn't even been
the head of the Obsidian Order when Garak had been born.

He hated Tain and wondered how he could as he ripped another painting
off the walls. Tain was, after all, the epitome of Cardassia. The
thing they were all taught to be. A man who didn't let anything stand
in the way of his power. Power was the Cardassians' greatest
ambition. To gain it, to hold it, and to gain more, ruthlessly
pushing everything else aside in excessive greed for power. Damar
once had power and it had done him little good. Even in the
Dominion's controlling grip, Damar had been the most powerful
Cardassian and he had used his power and abused it. He had made
careers and had destroyed them. He had assassinated for the sake of
power, though that came to nothing but further Dominion oppression
against him. He had sent millions of Cardassian soldiers to their
deaths.

Hatred external turned to hatred internal. Self-loathing battered
him. Nearly screaming with rage, Damar hurled the chair away from
him, then grabbed another to smash against the wall. He smashed it
and smashed it until the chair splintered in his hands and the
padding ripped apart and the broken plaster of the wall marked his
furious passage.

---

Kira absently noticed that the label of the kanar bottle had started
to peel away in one corner, and she flicked at the label with her
thumbnail. She looked about her prison. They had done a good job in
cleaning the cellar up for Mila. A bit too good of a job. She needed
something to do but there was nothing she could do except sit there
and drink and think. Or try not to think. Her thoughts kept going to
Odo and that was too painful.

She had to get off Cardassia some how. She had to go back to Odo and
away from Damar. The longer she stayed with him the worse it was
going to get. They had done well in holding back their mutual
animosities from the start of the rebellion. They had done so well
that they found themselves admiring each other. Admiring each other
too much. Now, Kira had to keep fighting back her absurd desire for
Damar and keep pushing him away. Only, the more she did that to him,
the more hostile he became.

She should never have come to Cardassia in the first place. After she
and Damar had fought over it, she should have just left the rebellion
and gone back to Odo. They had made a mess of things by giving in to
sexual desires, and that mess wasn't going to clean up very soon. If
at all.

Her memories kept going back to the base, to the last time she saw it
in existence, where the Cardassians moved about full of energy and
hope because of the promise of six hundred thousand troops. Where
Garak's smile had nearly seemed sincere in his pleasure aver going
back to Cardassia. Where Damar made her boil again with anger when he
turned his back to her and ignored her protests while he briefed his
men.

"I'm leaving you in charge of our forces while we're gone, Fernal,"
Damar had told the gul after turning his back on Kira.

"Very well, Legate," Fernal nodded.

"Gather all the data you can on Lianer Four," Damar said. "That will
be our first target once our new troops have been processed."

Her temper all ready high because of his foolish plan to go to
Cardassia Prime, hearing this only made her temper flare hotter.

"Hold on a minute," Kira snapped. "Lianer Four? Didn't we agree to
let Starfleet handle that?"

She saw Damar's shoulders tense. Turning his head, he said, "No, we
did not agree to that."

"It's too big of a target," she growled. "You know that."

"It's not too big anymore."

"Don't you think you're getting a little ahead of yourself, Damar?"
Kira asked, trying to make her tone reasonable. "For one thing, you
haven't even gotten those men yet. And for another, it's still too
big even if you do. There are half a million troops stationed at
Lianer Four."

Finally, he turned to face her but the cold rage in his eyes made her
wish that he didn't. "We will get those men," he said tersely, "and
when we do, we'll have more than enough to take out Lianer Four."

"Only if you commit all your resources to it," Kira pointed out.

"We'll have them. We should use them. You said it yourself that
Lianer Four is an important target."

"It is an important target for someone stronger than you to take out."

"We will be strong enough," he insisted.

"You're talking about throwing away all your resources on a single
target."

Insult flashed in his eyes. "'Throwing away'?" he snapped. "Do you
doubt my abilities? I will be using our resources to the fullest, and
instead of throwing them away, we will be victorious."

"I don't doubt your abilities," she rejoined. "I just think that
you're a little too eager to use them when you're not strong enough
to do it. You could jeopardize your entire resistance movement by
doing that. And this is a resistance movement. You're not ready for
conventional warfare yet."

"Six hundred thousand men makes us ready."

"Six hundred thousand is a drop in the bucket compared to the
millions of troops the Dominion has."

Garak suddenly stepped in between them. "Commander Kira has a point,"
he said, giving them both a critical look. "What's gotten into the
two of you?"

"Nothing," Kira said quickly.

"Nothing," Damar said just as fast, looking away from her.

"I suggest that we discuss Lianer Four after we return from our
mission to Cardassia," Garak said.

"We will do that," Damar nodded, sounding as though he was giving an
order.

"I am not going," Kira insisted in annoyance.

"Yes, you are," Damar said tightly. "You don't have a choice."

"Of course I have a choice," she snapped. "You shouldn't be going to
Cardassia, either. Have Legate Sulten and the others meet us in a
neutral location."

"That wouldn't be possible," Gul Fernal said. "They can't leave
Cardassia at the moment without raising suspicion, and Gul Goras
still needs convincing before he'll join us."

"Damar will convince him," Seskal said confidently. "Besides, I'd
love to see the look on the Vorta's face when he finds out that Damar
can come and go from Cardassia Prime as he pleases."

"Well, the appearance of that, anyway," Garak chuckled.

"If you want to do such a foolish thing, fine," Kira said sharply,
"but not me. I'm staying here."

At that Damar rounded on her, his eyes blazing with anger. "Enough of
this! You will accompany us even if I have to ensure it with an armed
escort."

"What?" Kira snapped. "You'll do no such thing!"

"I am ordering you to accompany us," Damar snarled. "If you don't
obey that order willingly, then you will by force."

"You don't order me," Kira reminded him. "I'm not one of your
officers. I'm here as a Starfleet representative and that's all that
I am."

"I command you as my right as your leader," Damar shot back. "You may
not want to acknowledge me as your leader, but that doesn't change
the fact that I am as long as you're a part of this organization."

Kira reared back, fury boiling within her. "And here I thought you
had actually changed. You're still a thug. You've been wanting to do
this for years, haven't you, Damar? You've been itching to lord your
power over me just like Dukat. Well, that never worked for him and it
isn't going to work for you. I would just as soon be back on DS9, so
if you try to force me into doing anything, I'll leave."

Damar scowled insult, his rage deepening the lines of his face. In a
strained, cold voice, he said, "That might best for all of us if you
left. But not before the mission to Cardassia. Too much is riding on
it and I won't allow you to ruin it. We leave in one hour. I suggest
you prepare. Dismissed."

With that, Damar turned on his heel and stalked away to his quarters.
Infuriated, Kira stormed into the bunkroom. Enough was enough. She
didn't have to put with this kind of treatment and if he wanted her
to leave, she had no problem with that. Just because he couldn't
convince her to do what he wanted her to do, he resorted to physical
threats. So typical.

How could she have possibly thought he had actually changed? He was
still the arrogant, aggressive brute he always had been. He hadn't
changed; he just been on his best behavior, hiding behind stirring
words and noble intentions the fact that he was still the
insufferable man she had always hated. With a growl, she slammed both
hands against a stack of storage containers, sending them scattering
across the bunkroom.

Cardassians! It was always about power with them, she fumed. Always
about control and dominance. If Damar thought he was going gain power
and control over her, he had another thing coming. She hated him. He
was so stubborn and arrogant. So moody and hot-headed. So quick to
argue against anything she said.

Kira paced the bunkroom, her eyes falling on the cooling unit. In a
fit of spite, she grabbed the unit and hurled it across the room. It
thudded against the wall and clattered to the floor in a gratifying
manner. Kira stood over the destroyed unit, feeling satisfied before
annoyance came over her. Great. Now she had to live in the
over-heated base without relief of cool air.

Kira slumped down on the bunk, berating herself for losing control
over her temper. Damar may not be strong enough to control that hot
temper of his but she should have been. She shouldn't have allowed
things to get so out of hand. Damar was too stubborn and so was she,
and they had both dug in their heels. The more he insisted, the more
she resisted and neither would consider compromises.

She wished Odo was there, as she wished every day. Odo always knew
the right thing to say. He knew how to calm her down and help her see
clearly. Now, she had to do that for herself. Even if Odo was there,
she couldn't confide in him about this. Her feelings felt so tangled,
so confused. She desperately wanted to sort them all out.

She was resisting her feelings about Damar, she realized. It wasn't
about going to Cardassia. They were pushing each other away, knowing
that they couldn't have each other and hurting because of that. She
was pushing him away by resisting what he wanted to do, hurting him
by not supporting him. Even when she didn't mean to hurt him, she did.

Looking at the smashed cooling unit, Kira shook her head. The room
started to feel stifling and the longer she lay there, the more
uncomfortable she began to feel. If she wanted any relief, she was
going to have to fix the unit. She rose from the bunk and picked up
the unit, along with the broken bits on the floor.

---

In the venting of his rage, the pain of betrayal refused to go away.
Damar hated betrayal. All Cardassians hated betrayal, yet it was a
thing they excelled at. Someone who was alive who should now be dead
had betrayed Cardassia. Someone had betrayed his dreams. And Kira had
betrayed his heart. With a throaty growl, Damar grabbed another
sculpture from the shelf and hurled it across the room. Kira.

He had to let her go. She would drive him insane if he didn't. But
how? How could he when she kept enticing him then pushing him away,
flirting with him then insulting him too far, supporting him for a
time then taking her support away?

After she had insulted him and threatened to leave him rather than go
to Cardassia with him, Damar had turned on his heel and stormed away
from the command center. Entering his quarters, his anger had boiled
within him, fueling him as he paced the small room. She hated him.
Nothing he could do would ever change that. She still hated him.

"And here I thought you had actually changed. You're still a thug.
You've been wanting to do this for years, haven't you, Damar? You've
been itching to lord your power over me just like Dukat.

How could she think that about him? After everything he had done.
After trying so hard. After lying in her arms. She still thought of
him in the worst way imaginable.

He heard the door of his quarters slid open and he turned to see
Garak enter. Balling his hands into fists, Damar glared at him.

"I hate her," Damar growled. "I hate how she looks down over her nose
at all of us. I hate how stubborn she is. I hate that she's always so
critical, always ready to find fault in the smallest things. When
have I lorded my power over her? When? She's the one who thinks she
can order me around. She thinks this is her operation, and she can't
stand the fact that she has to answer to a Cardassian. To me. I hate
her. I should have just let her leave."

Garak stood at the door, listening to Damar rant. In his rage, Damar
didn't want to imagine what Garak thought about all of it. Garak was
Kira's ally. Ridiculous to expect him to sympathize.

"It's easy to hate," Garak finally said. "And the thing I've noticed
about you is that you never do anything the easy way. Don't
disappoint me by starting now."

"What are you talking about?" Damar snarled as he paced.

"Frankly, I expected this kind of blow up to happen weeks ago," Garak
went on. "When we first arrived. As the weeks went by and the two of
you worked so hard to get along, I began to hope that it would never
happen. Considering your temperaments, I shouldn't have hoped for it."

"Temperaments," Damar snorted. "She's an aggressive, belligerent
woman."

"And you're an aggressive, belligerent man. The two of you have been
focusing your aggression and belligerence at the Dominion, where it
belongs. It's disheartening to see you focusing it on each other."

Damar opened his mouth to snarl a retort as a sense of guilt crawled
over him. This wasn't the way a leader was supposed to behave.
Clamping his mouth shut, he realized that he would have swallow his
pride yet again.

"I apologize," he said. "You're right. I let my temper get the best
of me. Again. It's just that she's so . . . so . . ."

He forced himself to stop.

"So hard," Garak finished for him. "Judgmental. Defensive."

"Stubborn," Damar slumped down on the edge of the bed. "Arrogant.
Hot-tempered."

"Sounds like someone else I know," Garak said as he pulled out the
chair from the desk and sat down.

"True," he admitted.

"I think that stubbornness and arrogance and hot-temper have led you
both to say things that you didn't mean."

"Some things," he muttered, still feeling hurt by her.

"She respects you. You know that."

Damar stared at the floor. "I know."

"And you respect her."

"I do."

"Good," Garak had said as he stood. "I suggest that you remember that
and treat her accordingly. Just as you have been doing before this
afternoon. This is a very stressful time and the two of you only
vented at each other. Nothing more. Don't take it seriously."

Damar had looked up at him but remained silent. It hurt too much to
not take it seriously. It felt as though she hurt him every chance
she got. Garak had sighed as though disappointed and left the room.

He deserved the pain, he reminded himself. He was strong enough to
take it, he tried to tell himself. Though he didn't feel strong at
all. After living with so much pain for so long, after feeling the
blows again and again, he didn't know how much more he could take.
How much more suffering did he have to endure? Would he ever know a
day without pain and sorrow, grief and remorse?

Damar grabbed his bottle and guzzled the kanar. He ripped off his
armor and flung it across the room then turned to Enabran Tain's
desk. Picking up the chair, the impression left by Tain's body still
clear in the sculpted padding, he smashed it against the computer
panels and monitors. Plasticine cracked then shattered under the
blows, sparks flew from the panels, and soon the room stank from the
small electrical fires he had set within the desk.

---

Carrying cooling unit out of the bunkroom, Kira had moved along the
tunnel and into the main cavern. As she had walked to the Command
Center, she was glad to see that Damar wasn't around. She imagined
him to be brooding in his bunk. Probably cursing her.

She placed the cooling unit and the broken pieces on the surface of
one of the desks, then searched about the storage compartments for a
tool kit. Finding one, she selected a micro-planer and used it to try
to pry off the mangled casing of the unit. She couldn't get it to
budge. The more she struggled with the casing, the more frustrated
she became and the more the heat started to get to her.

"I see that you took your aggression out on the cooling unit."

Damar's voice behind her startled her, and she turned in her chair to
see him looking down at the unit. When he looked at her, his eyes
were very cold.

"That was a stupid thing to do," he said.

"No kidding," Kira shot back. "What did you take your aggression out
on?"

"Garak listened to me vent. Then he told me not to take it so
seriously."

"That's probably good advice," Kira nodded. "We just let our tempers
get in our way."

"Annoying, isn't it?"

"Very," she sighed then rose from the chair. "Look, Damar. I didn't
mean what I said. I'm sorry."

He took a step away from her, turning to examine one of the monitors.
"Apology accepted," he said coolly.

Not satisfied with that, Kira pressed on. "It wasn't fair of me. I
know how much you've grown, how much you've changed . . ."

"No, I haven't," Damar interjected.

Kira stopped short. "What?"

"I've changed but not that much," he said, lifting his pain-filled
eyes to hers. "Not as much you think or may be wish for. I'm still
the same man you knew before."

"I could never admire the man you were before."

"I'm still the same man," he insisted. "I haven't turned into a
different person, Nerys. I still have the same flaws. The flaws
you've always hated in me. The only thing that's changed is that I'm
trying harder to overcome them. It's very nice that you admire me,
but what you admire is only a part of who I am."

"What I admire is the man who is struggling to overcome his flaws,"
Kira said, reaching out to grip his arm. "I admire that you're trying
and that you're succeeding. Do you know how rare that is? I've seen
the worst in you and in these past few weeks, every time I turn
around, I see your best. I don't expect you to be perfect, Damar. No
one is, especially not me. I'm still trying to overcome my flaws. To
overcome my past. The same as you. I hate your flaws but guess what?
I hate my own flaws."

"Our flaws aren't so different from each other's."

"We hate in others what we hate in ourselves."

"We admire in others what we admire in ourselves."

He held her by his eyes, still so full of hurt and longing. She let
go of his arm, knowing that she couldn't take away his pain. He
stepped away from her again.

"I'm sorry that I can't give you what you want," she said softly.

"You can," he replied, his voice turned cold and hard again. "You
want to. You just choose not to."

"My heart belongs to Odo."

"Yes, you keep telling me that. You were very quick to find an excuse
to leave so you could go back to him."

"I did not," Kira spat.

"You did," Damar rejoined. "We got into a fight and your first
response was to run away."

"I don't run from a fight," Kira snarled.

"No, but you'd love to run away from me. You want to run from the
fact that you want me as much as I want you."

"The only man I want in my life is Odo."

"Odo's a lucky man," Damar said coldly.

"Yes, he is," Kira shot back.

"He makes you feel cared for. He makes you feel secure."

"He does."

"He makes you feel safe."

Kira frowned at him.

"Because he doesn't challenge you," Damar pressed on.

"What are you talking about?" Kira demanded.

"He doesn't challenge you the way that I do."

"The only thing you challenge me to do is to hold on to my temper,"
Kira snorted.

"Exactly," Damar said, then reached out and grabbed her by both arms,
his eyes hot and passionate. "Does he make your blood boil, Nerys?
The way I do? The way I always have?"

For a split second, Kira fought off the urge to hit him. Or to kiss
him. "Odo can do things to me you couldn't begin to imagine."

"I'm sure. After all, what can a mere Solid give you that a
Changeling couldn't?"

"A lot more than you can do," Kira snapped, the heat of the base
getting under her skin.

Damar's fingers bit into her flesh, his eyes locked on hers. "Can you
look into his eyes and see yourself reflected in him? Does he
challenge you to bring out your best? Does he make you stronger just
by being around him? You do all of those things for me."

Kira's breath became ragged as she felt herself lose herself in his
eyes. He had an annoying, appealing way of drawing her into him just
by looking at her and in the connection he made with his clear eyes,
strong and earnest and intense. Her heart thumped. She forced herself
to shake her head and hurt of rejection flooded into his eyes.

"Damar, I . . ." she began but he suddenly let go of her arms and
stepped back again.

"You know, Nerys," he said coldly, "when a Cardassian invites you to
use his personal name, it's an insult when you don't."

"Force of habit," Kira said, annoyed by his changing mood.

"Before our escapade into the alternate universe, I told myself never
to trust you to stab me in the heart again. I know you don't mean to
do it, but that's just how it's worked out."

Just as guilt over that began to kick in, Kira noticed how thick and
dark his neck ridges had become. He found this arousing. She ground
her teeth at the realization. The Cardassian version of flirting. In
spite of her annoyance at that, she couldn't help noticing the
ticklish sensation within her dampening mound.

"I'm sure you'll get over of it," she sneered and turned away to pick
up the micro-planner.

"Of course I will," he spat, stalking over to a monitor. "It's only a
physical desire."

"Nothing to lose your heart over," she said as she tried to pry the
casing off the cooling unit again.

"Never. I know better than give my heart to a woman."

"She'll just stomp all over it."

"That's been my experience."

The bitterness in his tone set her back. "Some times it's worth the
risk."

"Only when the woman is willing to take the same risk. That casing
will need to be replaced."

"I know that," Kira snarled as she stabbed at the seam.

"Then why are you trying to pry it off? Just burn through the casing."

She slammed the micro-planner down and turned to glare at him. "Just
what am I supposed to replace it with?"

He shrugged, his neck ridges still dark. "You broke it. You figure it
out."

She sneered at him. Arrogant as always. She hated that about him. At
least, she once did. "I don't suppose you happen to have another
cooling unit lying around somewhere."

"We're Cardassians. We don't just leave equipment lying around."

"Funny. Now answer the question."

"The answer is that we never had a cooling unit to begin with."

She blinked at him then looked back at the unit. "This is a modified
refrigeration unit."

"Yes."

"Do you have another one?"

"Probably."

"Now we're getting somewhere."

"Try Procurement."

"All right," Kira said and stood. She looked at him and saw right
through his act. He may be enjoying his flirtation, but she still saw
the pain in his eyes. "You modified that refrigeration unit for me,
didn't you?"

"I had a few extra minutes," he said.

"I'm sorry that I broke it."

"No, you're not."

"All right. I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings by breaking it."

"I don't have any feelings for you to hurt."

She sighed. "Will you stop it all ready? I like it better when you're
honest with me about your feelings."

"I like it better when I don't feel anything," he said softly.

"As if that could ever happen. You feel everything."

"A man can dream. Or drink too much. Which is how I used to try to
solve that problem."

"Didn't work, did it."

"No, it only created more problems."

"I'll go get another refrigeration unit," Kira said, feeling confused
again. Strange how she hurt because he hurt.

When she turned away from him, Damar snaked out his hand and grabbed
her by the arm. She spun around, annoyed by his man-handling. Then
her annoyance fled when she saw the expression in his face.

"Nerys, I'm sorry," he said sincerely. "I went too far. I suppose I
did go try to lord my power over you. You weren't giving me much of a
choice."

"Yes, you went too far," Kira nodded. "So did I. Apology accepted."

"I'll have a technician rig a new cooling unit for you," he said as
he let go of her arm. "We're leaving now."

Kira set the unit down and took a deep breath, startled by how afraid
she suddenly felt about going to Cardassia. For a moment, she saw the
same fear in Damar's eyes before the fear became replaced with
resolution.

She walked through the base at his side. She thought she could resist
him when he was cocky, though his cockiness had an appealing
playfulness about it. She thought she could resist him when he looked
at her with desire in his eyes, though that look in his eyes always
made her want to kiss him. But she didn't know how she could continue
to resist him when he was so earnest and resolute and honest. Damar
at his best. How could she resist that?

If there was anything Kira was absolutely sure about, it was that she
loved Odo. She adored Odo. Yet, she wanted Damar. She yearned to feel
his mouth against hers and his arms around her. She longed to see the
passion come into his eyes and to see him smile his cocky grin. She
wanted to hear him growl with pleasure and laugh in delight. What she
wanted was impossible.

---

The sounds of Damar's destruction continually filtered through the
house. Kira rolled her eyes in annoyance at a particularly loud
crash. He was giving her a headache, and she wondered how long he was
going to continue to throw this destructive temper-tantrum.

She couldn't believe Garak just sat there sipping his kanar and
polishing the brass bits and pieces he had found as if nothing was
wrong. She was going to go insane if the Cardassians around her
didn't start getting their acts together. Yes, it was shocking that
the entire rebellion had been destroyed. Yes, they had their right to
grieve over it. Yes, Damar had more than enough reason to fly off
into a rage. But enough was enough.

Apparently, Mila thought so as well. The door at the top of the
stairs slid open and the old woman hurried down, her face flushed in
anger.

"He's gone insane!" she snapped at Garak. "You should see what he's
doing up there."

"Hmm," Garak replied, studying a bit of brass. "And what's he doing?"

"He's destroying my house!"

"Well, I doubt that one man can do much damage."

"He wrecked the library."

"Did he?"

"He's destroying Tain's office."

At that, Garak jerked a smile. "How appropriate."

"Elim!" Mila gasped in shock. "If you don't do something about him,
I'm going to call a security team and have him hauled away."

"I'll take care of him," Kira assured her as she rose from the cot.

"Just go gently on him, Kira," Garak admonished mildly.

Kira snorted as she climbed the stairs. Behind her, Mila followed,
muttering angrily to herself.

"I'll have to go out and get more supplies," Mila muttered peevishly.
"A man must work up quite an appetite destroying an old woman's home.
I just don't know what people see in him."

Kira came to the top of the stairs and followed the sounds of
destruction. As she came closer to the room, she was sure that she
smelled smoke. That quickened her steps. When she came to the door of
Tain's office, she nearly gagged in the haze of smoke. At the desk,
Damar stood and pounded it with a chair. At least, it once was a
chair. All around the room, she saw an indefinable mess, scattered
bits of metal and plasticine, shredded paintings and shattered
pottery and ceramics, mangled furnishing. In the haze, she saw the
glow of small electrical fires sputtering from the smashed computer
panels on the desk.

"You really have gone insane," Kira accused him as she picked her way
through the mess towards the couch. She pulled off a cushion, then
went to the desk. With a mad look in his eyes, Damar didn't seem to
notice her until she shoved him aside.

With his hair flying in his face, he growled, "Leave me alone," then
flung the mangled chair away from him.

"You just about burned this house down," Kira snapped at him as she
tried to dampen the fires with couch cushion.

"Good," he snarled. "Let it burn."

"Really?" Kira glared at him as she beat at the fires. "You want this
house to burn down. Get everyone's attention. Let the Dominion find
out that you're still alive. Have Jem'Hadar come in here and haul you
away and execute you."

"I don't have anything better to do," he said bitterly. He moved to a
shelf of small bits of art and hefted a sculpture of a seated man.

"Well, I do," Kira rejoined. "I'd like to live, if you don't mind.
I'm sure that Garak and Mila would too. I think it's time you stopped
thinking of only yourself."

At that, Damar growled and hurled the sculpture at a wall already
damaged by his fury. "This is Enabran Tain's house. You wouldn't mind
seeing it burned down. Bajorans hated Enabran Tain."

"Bajorans hated all Cardassians," Kira corrected.

"Yes, but you especially hated Enabran Tain. Even the Cardassians
hated him. The head of the Obsidian Order. No one shed a tear when he
died."

"I wouldn't say no one," she replied as she smoothed the last of the
fires.

"Garak," Damar grunted. "Why would he shed a tear over a father like
that? He didn't even have the decency to acknowledge Garak as his
son."

"Tain did it to protect his power," Kira said with a shrug. "Sounds
like a Cardassian thing to do to me."

"It's not!" Damar suddenly bellowed and Kira blinked at his fury.
"It's not Cardassian at all! We hold our children dear. They are the
most important things in our lives. Our families come first over
everything. Everything."

He stalked over to the door, and Kira noticed a nearly empty kanar
bottle sitting by the lintel. He snatched the bottle up.

"At least, that's how it's supposed to be," he muttered bitterly,
then tipped the bottle back.

Kira moved over to him and grabbed the bottle from his hand.

"Give that back," he demanded.

"No, you've had more than enough," Kira shook her head. "You're not
that pleasant sober, and I know how you are when you're drunk."

"Yeah, well, I already tried to give up drinking," Damar said
peevishly, pacing about the room. "Little good it did me."

"It did you a lot of good," Kira pointed out. "A lot. I think both
you and Garak are a little quick in forgetting everything you've
accomplished."

"Not much of anything," Damar muttered, going back to the shelf to
pick up a small statue of a woman. He stared at it for a moment.

"The Dominion felt your sting," Kira reminded him. "You gave them a
serious blow. You took a stand, Damar. That counts for something."

"Not as far as I can tell," he said, still staring at the statue. He
hefted it and she expected him to throw it at the wall before he
stopped himself. Instead, he carried the statue to her.

"Put this some place safe," Damar asked her. "Out in the hall or
something. I don't want to damage it."

Kira looked at the stone carved statue of a Cardassian woman in a
graceful pose. "Why everything else and not this?"

"I think it's Hebetian," he said, turning away to go back to the
shelf.

Frowning, Kira carried it out of the room and set it on the floor in
the hall. Hebetian? That would make the statue thousands of years
old. Figures that a wealthy man like Enabran Tain would have owned a
piece of antiquity. Hoarded it, more likely, rather than sharing the
beauty of the statue with others. She cringed when she heard another
smash.

Coming back into the room, she snapped, "Will you stop it all ready?"

His hand reaching for a sculpted lamp near the couch, Damar turned to
her. "I said to leave me alone."

"No, I don't think so," Kira rejoined. "I understand why you're so
upset, but it's time to start acting reasonably."

"Upset?" Damar snarled, taking a step towards her. "Is that what I
am? Upset? Everyone I loved is dead, Kira. Everyone I loved and
trusted is dead because of me."

"The Dominion did that," Kira snapped.

"No. If I hadn't started this foolish rebellion, they'd still be
alive. It's all my fault."

"There was nothing foolish about your rebellion," she insisted.

Pain etched his face so deeply that he squeezed his eyes shut.
"Yelin. Yelin's dead because of me."

"Damar, don't do this to yourself," Kira said in frustration. "It's
not your fault that Yelin's dead."

"You liked Yelin," Damar growled at her. "I know you liked Yelin."

She closed her eyes at that. "I did," she said softly.

"Seskal, dead. Fernal, dead. Your hot-shot helmsman, dead."

"Damar, stop it," Kira turned away, suddenly grief-stricken.

Damar barely heard her.

"Thousands of men dead because they all trusted me. Everything
crumbles in my hands. Everything. They believed in me. Like fools.
And I am the greatest fool of all."

Rage hardened his voice. "Me, the great dreamer of dreams. Me, the
builder of worlds. How could I have been so arrogant? How could I
have been so completely self-deluded? I thought the future rested in
my hands, but that future was made up of the hot air of pride and
Cardassian ego. A new Cardassia! No one wants a new Cardassia. No one
cares about that. No one cares at all."

Damar suddenly stabbed a finger at her. "You're welcome to start
laughing anytime now, Kira! You're welcome to say 'I told you so'!"

Kira shook her head.

"All of this struggle," Damar growled, balling his hands into fists
so hard his arms shook. "All that I've endured. All that I hoped and
dreamed. For nothing. Everything is gone. My family. My friends. My
men. What else can I give? What else do I have? I've given
everything. I gave everything within me and it wasn't enough. I have
nothing. I have nothing left."

"You still have Cardassia," Kira said softly.

"I'm not worthy of Cardassia!" he roared. "You know that! You of all
people know that. My men thought that I was some great man, but you
know me. You know what I am! I'm not worthy of the trust and hopes of
my people! Go out on the streets and ask the people what they think
of Legate Damar. Watch them sneer and turn away in disgust over their
drunken leader daring to defy our masters and failing miserably. They
don't want me. They've never wanted me. I'm not worthy of them. They
know that and you know that. I've failed them. Again."

Frustrated by this, Kira stepped to him and grabbed him by the arms.
"Enough of this. Yes, you were defeated. Yes, you've lost nearly
everything. But you're not to blame. The Dominion did this, not you."

Damar suddenly pushed her away. "Everything rode on my shoulders. I
was the commander. I was the leader. I'm responsible for whatever
happens to my people. Can't you understand that? I'm responsible."

"The Dominion . . ."

"I'm responsible for the Dominion!" he thundered at her.

"You are not!" Kira snapped, shocked that he would think such a
thing. "Dukat is to blame for the Dominion, not you."

"I was with him. I helped bring them in. It's true that I didn't want
them. I tried to argue against them with Dukat but he didn't listen
to me. And do you know why? Because he was insane even then. He kept
getting worse and worse and I didn't even realize it. I should have
followed my instincts about the Dominion. I should have tried harder
to stop him. But I didn't. I . . ."

Damar broke off, agony twisting his features. "I trusted him," he
said brokenly.

Kira closed her eyes, seeing in her memory the aggressive, angry
glinn on DS9 who had lashed out at everyone who came near him except
for Dukat. There wasn't anything she could think of saying to him
because he was right. He shouldn't have trusted Dukat. He should have
listened to his instincts, instincts everyone around him had been
aware of except, it seemed, Damar himself. He should have tired
harder to stop Dukat from betraying Cardassia by making the Dominion
their overlords. He should have . . . Kira shook her head.

"What could you have done, Damar?" she asked him. "You were one man.
A low ranking officer. What could you have done?"

"I could have rebelled a lot sooner," he confessed. "When I was made
leader. Cardassia didn't have to suffer for two years under the
Dominion while I . . . I tried to live with an intolerable situation
and tried to drink myself to death. Cardassia needed a leader . . .
Cardassia still needs a leader. I'm not it."

"Damar, you tried . . ."

"Trying isn't good enough," he snarled. "I'm not good enough. Isn't
that obvious?"

The look in his eyes took her breath away. She had never seen him so
raw and vulnerable. No wonder he didn't want anyone near him. Raw and
vulnerable and utterly, completely alone. His pain hurt her. She felt
suddenly selfish. She had friends waiting for her back on Bajor and
on Deep Space Nine. She had a man waiting for her who loved her. She
had a life, a future that she could just go and step right back into.
Garak, at least, had Mila and people on DS9 like Bashir who cared
about what happened to him. But Damar had no one. Just as he had
said. No one in the entire universe who cared whether he lived or
died.

Except for her. Except for Garak.

"No, it's not obvious to me, Esorel," she said gently, stepping back
to him. "You've become a good strong leader. You love your people.
You accomplished some important things in your rebellion. Starfleet
would never have the chance to get back into the war if it wasn't for
you."

"Good for Starfleet," he muttered bitterly.

"You helped keep the Dominion from launching new offenses against
your allies because you kept them off-guard and harassed."

"I'm sure my allies are grateful, but that doesn't mean anything for
Cardassia."

She sighed. "Come back to Deep Space Nine with me. Put your talents
to use. Help Starfleet defeat the Dominion and Cardassia will be
free."

"Put my talents to use?" he snarled. "Doing what? Devising strategies
for Starfleet and the Klingons and the Romulans? And while they're
off fighting and risking their lives, what I am supposed to do? Sit
around and get drunk in Quark's while my people still suffer under
the tyranny of the Dominion. Deep Space Nine is not where I belong. I
told you that."

She lifted her hand to his face but he flinched away from it.

"Don't," he said. "Don't bother. Nothing you can do or say isn't
going to make any difference."

Wanting to comfort him, she reached out to take his arms again. Damar
lashed out, thrusting his hands against her chest, pushing her
backwards. Catching her balance, she glared him as she went into a
defensive position.

"I said don't!" he roared at her. "I'm tired of playing this game
with you, Kira. I'm sick of it. You're about to drive me insane."

Kira watched him closely, still ready to defend herself. "What I am I
doing that's driving you insane?"

"I'm trying to let you go," he growled with frustration, "but you
keep coming back. Every time I turn around, I see desire in your
eyes. Admiration. And now this. Compassion. You make me hope that I
could have something with you and then you take that hope away. You
entice me then push me back."

"I do not," she insisted. "Your way of letting me go is becoming
hostile and driving me away."

"I'm not trying to drive you away, but it's so frustrating being
around you."

"Well, you're no piece of cake either," she sneered.

"You have to make up your mind about me," he said, daring to take a
step closer to her. She tensed at the anger in his face. "What am I
to you? Your ally? Your enemy? Your friend? Your lover? What am I?"

In nearly an instant, he grabbed her by the arms and kissed her, his
mouth hard and aggressive. She pulled back, slamming her elbow into
his ribcage. Staggering backwards, he growled and lunged at her
again. Kira twisted down, snaking her foot out to hook his leg. As he
fell, Kira scrambled on top of his chest, pinning him down. For a
moment, he didn't struggle against her. He only glared at her. Then,
with brutal strength, he wrenched his arm free, grabbed her by the
chin and kissed her again. Infuriated, she pulled her head away from
him.

Suddenly, he rolled, pushing her off of him, then he was on top of
her, his body covering hers. His weight nearly suffocated her and
bits of metal and ceramics from the mess on the floor dug into her
back. His mouth covered hers, kissing her, hurting her. She tried to
fight off his tongue with her teeth. He reared back away from her,
enraged.

"Never forced a woman, have you?" she sneered at him.

Damar stiffened, realization coming into his eyes and within that
moment of hesitation, Kira pulled her arms free. Slamming her hands
against his chest, she pushed him off. He fell onto his back and she
leapt on top of him, straddling his waist. She grabbed a fist-full of
sensitive neck ridges and held them as hard as she could. He gasped
in agony.

"Well, I've never forced a man," she said, then lowered down over him
and kissed him as aggressively as he had kissed her. His mouth
eagerly responded and when she let go of his neck ridges, he pulled
her against him, holding her so hard that she could barely breathe.
Their aggression melded into passion as their kiss went on and on.
Damar's hand roughly caressed her back and her buttocks, grabbing her
and squeezing her. Feeling his powerful arms around her, Kira went
warm, her nipples hard against his chest.

Damar's hands continued their rough exploration of her back, sliding
up to her shoulders. Then to her shock, he shoved her back, pushing
her off of him. He rolled up to his feet, panting for breath, his
ridges dark and swollen. Kira stared at him as she rose.

"You're not going to do this to me again," he said flatly. "I won't
allow it."

"What are you talking about?" she snapped, feeling suddenly confused
by his rejection of her.

"It's not going to happen again. A kiss from you may be worth the
bruises but it's not worth the heartbreak. We make love and enjoy it
but when we're finished, you push me away. It's happened twice now.
There's not going to be a third time. What do you want from me,
Nerys? Do you want me to be your lover? I would be your lover in an
instant and live in your arms for the rest of my life if I could. I
want that but I know it's not going to happen. You're just going to
reject me again."

"You're probably right," she admitted. "I don't mean to hurt you, but
I could never take you as a lover."

"Amazing, isn't it?" he sneered. "A week ago, you would have never
hesitated in hurting me."

"Don't take it personally, Damar. You keep trying to make me choose
between you and Odo. But there is no choice and you have to accept
that."

"This isn't about Odo and you know it," he rejoined sharply. "Odo is
just an excuse."

He stepped closer to her and Kira stiffened at the look in his eyes.
Guilt warring with pain.

"It's about Ziyal."

Kira closed her eyes as the sound of the name pierced her. They
seemed to have had a silent agreement never to speak her name aloud,
and now he had broken that agreement.

"You're right," Kira said as coolly as she could. "It's about Ziyal."

The words felt like ash in her mouth. She had betrayed Ziyal's memory
by sleeping with her murderer. She felt sick. Damar was right. She
had focused her guilt on her betrayal of Odo so that she wouldn't
have to face an even worse betrayal.

She had slept with Ziyal's murderer. She had admired him and desired
him and had liked being around him. Tears suddenly sprang into Kira's
eyes. How did this happen? How could she have done such an awful
thing?

Seeing Kira's face fill with pain, her eyes grow bright with tears,
Damar steeled himself, readying to take whatever she had to say. He
had opened the door, knowing that he and Kira would never get
anywhere, whether as lovers or friends or merely allies, without at
least trying to talk about her. Though now that he opened that door,
he wasn't sure what to say. There wasn't really anything he could say.

For a long time, they stood in silence, guilt eating at them both.
For a long time, Kira refused to look at him, and she seemed frozen
in place, as though unable to walk away from the issue yet unable to
face it. Then she lifted her head and stabbed him with her eyes.

"I hate that you murdered Ziyal," Kira said in broken voice. "I hate
you for murdering her."

The blow of that didn't sting him as cruelly as he had expected.
Probably because Kira wasn't telling him anything that he didn't know
already. He wanted to look away from the bitter accusation in her
eyes, from the cold hatred he saw within them, but he held fast and
willed himself to take it.

"I will never forgive you for murdering her," she said.

That stung. He didn't expect forgiveness. He didn't deserve it. After
all, he couldn't forgive himself. How could he expect anyone else to
do it? But as painful as that knowledge was, it hurt him more that
Kira would never come to love him. She may be able to respect him and
she may admire things about him but she could never accept him. All
because of an evil act committed in the blink of an eye in a moment
of utter madness and confusion and rage. How he wished he could erase
that moment from his life, the moment when everything changed.

As ever when he felt pain, he also felt rage, rage at himself for
being the despicable man that he was, rage at her for not being able
to love him. He swallowed his rage as best he could. He had no right
to feel rage against Kira.

"Ziyal," he said softly, her name like ice on his tongue, "was my
friend."

"You have a fine way of showing it," Kira glared at him.

"We were friends once," he went on, determined to push through,
determined to tell someone. For two years, he didn't speak of her. He
tried once with Dukat but Dukat didn't want to listen. All he said
was that it was Sisko's fault, and by that Damar knew that Dukat was
truly mad. For two years, Ziyal haunted him, stealing away his sleep,
driving him to drink to excess, pushing him closer and closer to
self-destruction. Her murder as much as the Dominion had driven him
far too close to the edge, and every step back was torturous.

"We were friends," he repeated, bittersweet memories of Ziyal searing
his heart. "On the Groumall."

"I remember," Kira nodded.

"Then you remember what it was like on that ship."

"It was pretty grim."

"Except for her," Damar pressed. "Ziyal made it less grim. Less
harsh. Just by being there. Just by smiling she made everything a
little better."

Kira frowned at him. "You were in love her."

"No," he said sadly. "Well, a little. Everyone who knew Ziyal fell a
little in love with her. She was bright and warm and kind. She didn't
deserve to die."

"Then why?" Kira demanded, her voice full of pain.

Damar shook his head. "Why? What do you want me to say? Give you
meaningless justifications? Explain to you how confusing everything
was? How I hated her for betraying Dukat? How I hated her
ingratitude?"

"Ziyal did the right thing," Kira held firmly.

"I didn't know that then," he said in a broken voice. "I didn't know.
I know now but now doesn't matter."

"But you did know then," Kira accused. "You've always known the
Dominion was wrong. Always. You said it yourself. You've always hated
the Dominion. You wore it on your sleeve. You lashed at everyone
around you because you hated what was going on. You tried to convince
yourself that what was wrong was right, but you couldn't convince
yourself all the way, Damar. Not like how Dukat did. He knew it was
wrong, but in his delusion, he was convinced he could make it right.
You never could do that. You always knew it was wrong. It just took
you two years to accept that fact."

This stabbed at him more cruelly than anything else, the pain of it
nearly buckling his knees. Again he wanted to look away and not face
the brunt of the whole, bitter truth. And it was true. All of it. He
knew that to the depths of his being.

"You murdered Ziyal because she knew it was wrong and she did
something about it," Kira spat, fury sparking in her eyes. "You were
too weak to do anything. You were too deluded by Dukat's insanity.
Ziyal was stronger than you were. She was better than you were. It
was easier for you to kill her than it was for you to face up to the
fact that the great man you thought Dukat was had brought ruin to
Cardassia."

Self-loathing nearly shattered him, and he clenched his fists as his
breath came out in gasps. It felt like the hardest thing he had ever
done was to get out two simple words. "You're right."

"Well, at least you can admit that," Kira shook her head. "But how
did you go from loving her to hating so much that you would kill her?"

The subject became too painful for him to bear. "I don't know," he
muttered, finally looking away from her.

"Yes, you do," she sneered.

He didn't answer her. He couldn't find the words. He didn't want to
find the words.

Kira studied him with a disgusted look on her face. "I used to think
you hated her because she was part Bajoran."

"When she lived on DS9, she started to embrace her Bajoran heritage,"
Damar said. "I thought that she was rejecting her Cardassian heritage
and I didn't like that. And I hated you for it because I thought you
were corrupting her."

"Corrupting her?" Kira snorted. "She had just as much right to learn
about her Bajoran side as she did her Cardassian side."

"Yes, but . . ." Damar stopped himself. He felt the justification on
his lips. It would be so easy to say it. It would be so easy to try
to excuse himself, but he knew very well that he couldn't. "Yes, she
did."

"Only you didn't know that then," Kira said, sounding oddly annoyed
with him. "You were really blind, weren't you? So full of hatred. So
full of arrogance. So caught up in your hero-worship of Dukat that
you couldn't even see what was clear to everyone around you. You
couldn't even hear what your own heart was telling you. That Dukat
had betrayed your people by allying with the Dominion. He betrayed
them for promises of power and glory that he was deluded enough to
believe. And you were just as deluded as Dukat."

The overwhelming pain of this staggered him. Feeling nearly dizzy,
Damar turned, his mind wanting to reject what she was saying while
his heart felt ready to shatter. It was too much. His eyes fell on
the kanar bottle sitting on the mangled desk. Numbed with pain, his
body walked over to the bottle, his hand grabbed it, his mouth
opening to receive the relief the kanar would give him. Suddenly,
Kira was at his side. Reaching out, she snatched the bottle from him
and shook it at him.

"Oh no, you don't," she snapped. "This is how you coped, isn't it? By
drinking. Just like you did on DS9. You couldn't stand what was going
around you, so you drank to forget. You can't stand the truth about
yourself, and now that you have to face it, you want to run away into
a bottle."

Kira smashed the kanar bottle to the ground, the thick liquid oozing
around the bits of shattered glass.

"Well, I'm not going to let you," she sneered.

Panting for breath, Damar turned away from and grabbed the edge of
the desk to hold himself up. He wasn't sure how much more he could
take of this. He wanted to lash out at her to make her stop hurting
him. Hurting him with the truth. He became aware of her leaning on
the side of the desk, looking at him. Wishing she would just go away,
he squeezed his eyes closed, startled by the tears within them.

"You said last week that you thought that you never really hated
Bajorans," Kira said coldly.

The change of subject surprised him. "You didn't believe me."

"I still don't. I'm just wondering what you meant by that."

He dared to look at her and see her cold and angry eyes. "Do you
remember when we first met?"

Kira nodded in realization. "You didn't bat an eye when I showed up
on that freighter. You didn't have a problem with working side by
side with a Bajoran back then."

"I didn't like Bajorans. I resented your people. But, for a time we
had peace and you allied with us against the Klingons. I didn't see
Bajorans as our enemy. In fact, when you helped us capture the
Klingon Bird of Prey, I admired you. Not as deeply as I do now,
though it is interesting how life can go full circle like that. You
were there teaching Dukat how to be a resistance fighter. Now you're
here doing the same for me."

"So you went from disliking Bajorans to hating us. Why?"

"You became the enemy. You're supposed to hate the enemy."

"That's not why. It was because of Dukat."

"It didn't have anything to do with Dukat," he said, though he felt a
strange sense of confusion at that, as though he was looking for the
answer to a complex puzzle.

"He got you all twisted up in his delusions," Kira said. "You admired
him so much that you saw everything through his eyes. You spent a
year with him on that Bird of Prey, and I'll just bet that he filled
your head with stories about what good and kind master he was to the
Bajorans and how ungrateful we all were to him. How we caused the
severity of the oppressions because we were too prideful to bend our
necks to our Cardassian masters. How he regretted that he had to kill
millions of Bajorans because we refused to give in to him and
Cardassia."

Hating the spiteful tone in her voice, hating that she was near him,
Damar pushed away from the desk. He felt suddenly sick to his stomach.

"You've heard that before, haven't you?" Kira asked coolly.

"Yes," Damar ground out. "And not just from him."

"Did you believe it?"

"I did," he confessed. "I don't anymore. Not after living with the
Dominion."

At that, some of the coldness faded from Kira's eyes. "It's a good
thing it's never going to happen again, isn't?"

His head snapped around to stare at her as a light sense of hope
stirred through his pain. She reminded him of his dreams. "Not if I
can help it."

"Dukat taught you to hate Bajorans," she said. "Your Cardassian
indoctrination taught you to hate Bajorans. And now you don't hate
Bajorans because you're free from all of that."

He frowned to her, puzzled by her meaning.

"When you rebelled," she said, "you charted your own course, Damar.
You went against Cardassian conventions. You went against Cardassian
indoctrination. You went against the Cardassian belief that all
Bajorans should be hated. You set aside your hatred of me so easily
it's as if it had never been there. You freed yourself from all other
influences except your own sense of idealism."

"I don't even know what my sense of idealism is anymore. Of course,
if I listened to Garak, I shouldn't have any idealism."

Kira shrugged. "I think Garak has his own ideals, though he would
never admit that to anyone."

"I wish that I . . . " he stopped himself again.

"You wish what?"

"Nothing."

"What?"

"I wish that I hadn't been so blind for so long. I wish that I had
never pulled the trigger. But regrets don't really mean anything, do
they? I killed Ziyal because I believed that she was traitor. I
believed that she had betrayed Dukat. She did but that ended up being
the best thing to happen. I tried to talk to Dukat about her but he
didn't want to listen to me. All he said was that Sisko had forced me
into it. Sisko! He wasn't even there. He had nothing to do with it."

"Dukat forgave you?" Kira asked, clearly as unable to understand that
as Damar.

"I'm not sure," Damar shook his head. "I'm not sure about anything
anymore when it comes to Dukat. He blames Sisko, and I can't begin to
imagine why. I keep expecting him to come to his senses, and take
revenge against me for killing her. I almost wish that he would. As
it stands now, it's something that's never been resolved between us
and I doubt that it ever will."

"Probably not," she agreed. "Dukat's insane. He never forgives. He
probably can't handle the fact that his loyal aide turned against him
by murdering his daughter."

"I didn't turn against him," Damar corrected. "I killed her because
she betrayed him. At least, that's how I saw it at the time."

"You killed his daughter. The only thing he loved. That sounds like a
betrayal to me."

"She betrayed him," Damar insisted, growing angry. "He refused to see
that. He refused to listen to me. Ziyal did just what I warned him
about. She turned against him by helping you. She had no gratitude.
She had no idea what family loyalty means. She hurt him time and
again."

"And that's why you killed her," Kira spat. "For Dukat. Because if
she lived, she would only hurt him again."

"Yes," Damar snarled, then his breath suddenly froze, the image of
Ziyal clutching her blackened chest flashing in his mind. The memory
of his finger pulling the trigger while he stood in a blaze of anger
and hatred and bitterness. He went numb.

"Dukat forgave her," Damar said quietly. "Ziyal confessed her
betrayal to him and he forgave her. But even then, she still hurt
him. He begged her to come back to Cardassia with him and she
rejected him. I heard it all. I thought it was so wrong that he would
forgive such treachery. It was so wrong that he loved her enough to
forgive her and she still refused him. Dukat needed her and she
turned her back on him. She wanted to stay on the station and stay
with you rather than be with her own father. I hated her for that. I
hated her disloyalty. I hated her ingratitude."

Kira closed her eyes. "Ziyal loved Dukat. She was grateful to him.
She just hated what he was doing. I told her she shouldn't chose me
over him."

"Yes, she should have," Damar said and Kira frowned at him. "She did
the right thing by helping you stop the Dominion reinforcements from
coming through the wormhole. I know that now. I can justify my hatred
of her but I can't justify killing her."

"No, you can't. "

"No one's ever pointed the finger at me. No one's ever said to me
that what I did was wrong. But in my heart, I've always known it was
wrong. I tried to excuse myself but that never worked. I haven't been
able to sleep at night for two years because of it. Frankly, it's a
relief for you to judge me guilty of murder. Someone has to and no
one else has except for you."

"And yourself," Kira pointed out.

"Killing her . . . murdering her was the worst thing I've ever done
in my life. I think about Ziyal every day. I'll think about her every
day until the day I die. You can't forgive me and I'll never ask you
to. I can't forgive myself."

She looked at him for a long time, her eyes fixed on his so deeply
that he felt lost in them. He had no idea what she was thinking. Then
she slowly nodded her head.

"Ziyal had hoped that her art work could help to bridge the gap
between Bajor and Cardassia," she said quietly.

Pain gripping him at that, Damar squeezed his eyes closed, feeling
what had been lost because of him. "That sounds like her."

"She wanted Bajor and Cardassia to some day overcome our differences
and be able to work together. I think that she would be pleased by
what we're doing here now. You and I working together."

Damar opened his eyes, lifting them back up to Kira's and seeing her
strength shining in them.

Kira said, "When you think about Ziyal . . . when I think about
Ziyal, it would be good to remember that."

Damar found that incredibly stirring. "A part of her dream coming
true."

"You said that you wanted peace between Bajor and Cardassia," Kira
said, her tone turning gentle. "Perhaps that's the best thing you
could do to honor her memory."

"Continue to build her bridge," Damar murmured. He didn't quite
understand this stirring in his heart. He didn't feel absolved. He
would always carry his guilt within him, yet it didn't feel as though
it weighed so heavily anymore. If he could keep her dream alive, if
he could honor her memory, if he could bring to life just a small
portion of what was lost when he had killed her, some part of Ziyal
would still live.

Then his reality crashed over him and frustration soared within him.
He couldn't keep Ziyal's dream alive when his own dreams had been
shattered.

"I'm in no position to do that," he said. "It's cruel to even suggest
it."

Kira frowned. "Cruel?"

"You tell me what would honor Ziyal, then snatch it away," Damar
growled. "What do you expect me to do? I can't make peace between
Cardassia and Bajor. I'm a fugitive from the Dominion hiding in this
house. As far as everyone else knows, I'm dead."

Kira grimaced at that. "One day, maybe you can."

"I doubt it," he said bitterly. "I'm not even the leader of Cardassia
anymore."

"Of course you are."

"No. The Dominion declared me dead and that means they can legally
appoint someone else to the position. They couldn't do that before
because my position is held for life."

"Legally?" Kira snorted. "What does the Dominion care about
legalities?"

Damar shrugged. "They like the veneer of it, at least. Now that I'm
dead, they can push another leader through the Central Command."

"But you're not dead, so anyone they replace you with won't be the
true leader of Cardassia. He'll be a fake. A pretender."

Damar let out a bitter sigh. "Just like me."

"No, not like you," Kira said, rolling her eyes. "You proved yourself
to be the true leader of Cardassia. You got the military's attention.
You nearly gained an entire order to your side."

"One order out of twelve," he grumbled.

"It was a start," Kira snapped. "What were you going on about before
we got here? That you were building a momentum? If one order joined
you, the rest would be encouraged to follow? That was all happening
because you proved yourself to them."

"When it comes right down to it, what I proved is that I'm a failure
because my entire military force was destroyed. I don't even want to
think about what the history books will say about me now."

"Let history worry about itself."

"That's easy for you to say. I never had to worry about my place in
history until I suddenly actually had a place in history."

Kira let out an annoyed sigh. "While you're beating yourself up, you
should try to remember all the good you accomplished."

"Will you stop this?" Damar snarled at her. "You're doing it again.
First you say that you hate me and now you're trying to uplift me.
Nerys, you can't hate me and care about me at the same time. Hate me.
You have plenty of reasons to. Or care about me. I need you to. I
need your strength, especially now. Either way, just choose."

Her eyes grew troubled. "I just don't know what I feel about you
anymore."

"I hope you sort it all out soon because it's just making me
confused."

"I suppose you know exactly how you feel about me."

"Not really," he confessed.

"It would be easier to hate you if I didn't admire you at the same
time."

"Admiration isn't enough for me," Damar said.

"No, it's not," Kira agreed.

Damar turned away from her. "Go on downstairs. I'll start cleaning up
here."

"I'll give you a hand," Kira offered.

"I don't want you to. I made the mess. I should clean it up."

"Esorel, let me help."

He turned back and grasped her arm. The shine of tears in his eyes
surprised her. "It hurts to be near you," he said in a rough voice.

Then he let her go. Kira stepped back, knowing there was nothing she
could say to that. She sighed then moved to the door as Damar started
making piles of the mess.

Kira moved slowly through the mansion, finding her way back to the
stairs leading to the cellar. As she made her way down the stairs,
she saw Garak sitting in front of a stack of storage containers,
still polishing whatever odds and ends came into his hands. He had a
far away look in his eyes. Kira crossed over to her cot and picked up
the bottle of kanar. She noticed that it was nearly empty.

"You got him calm down?" Garak asked.

"Sort of," Kira muttered then took a drink from the bottle.

"Where is he?"

"Cleaning up his mess."

"I'll go help him," Garak offered, rising from his stool.

"I think he wants to be alone right now."

"He's been alone since we got here."

"Don't worry, Garak. He vented, no one got hurt and now it's over.
Unless you want to go vent by smashing up a room. I'm sure Damar
would understand that."

"Venting rage in destruction really isn't my style," Garak smiled as
he sat down. "I'll leave that up to the two of you."

Kira lounged back on the cot and stared at the ceiling. "Glad to be
of service," she quipped.

Garak went back to his polishing while Kira dozed on the cot. Half
awake, half asleep, her mind kept flitting through old memories of
Ziyal and Odo, Damar and Dukat. Half of the remembrances were
nightmares, half of them making her feel bittersweet. And some them
aroused her, the memories of being in Damar's strong arms, feeling
his aggressive kisses and shifting open pod. Memories of Odo
shapeshifting himself into being whatever she wanted him to be,
always gentle, always considerate, always so happy and content being
with her.

After hours of dozing, the door over the staircase opened and Kira
looked up to see Damar finally coming down the stairs, snapping on
his armor as he walked. She wasn't sure why he did that. He only went
to his cot without saying a word and laid down, looking exhausted.
Kira supposed it was true what they said about Cardassian soldiers.
They really did sleep in their uniforms.

The door above the stairs slid open again and Mila appeared. She
stopped halfway on the stairs and looked down on them, giving them a
smirk and a shake of her head.

"If only they could see you now," she said.

---

The End