The BLTS Archive - To Tell The Truth
#1: Spirit Guide
by melanie (melanie@skynet.ca)

---

First in the "To Tell the Truth" series.

Notes :  1) READ THIS OR YOU'LL THINK ME A PLAGIARIST!  The idea of
the AlphaOmegans was conceived during the penultimate season of ST:TNG
as an explanation for Riker's desertion of Troi when they were a
couple on Betazed.  That story never flew but years later, between
seasons 3 and 4 of ST:V to be precise, I thought of using it for Paris
instead.  "Spirit Guide", which introduces the concept of the
AlphaOmegans, and "Parole", the sequel to this story, were completed
in what I thought were final form for the former and rough draft for
the latter before the ST: DS9 episode entitled "Inquisitions", which
in a bizarre coincidence introduced Section 31 and a novel use for the
holodeck which are eerily similar to details in these two stories. 
In a later story entitled "Sunfire" I have done my best to justify the
existence of these two groups.  Till then - warped minds think alike I
guess.

2) I always have thought Starfleet was a little too quick to grant
permission for Tom Paris, a convicted criminal and known traitor to
the Starfleet and the Federation, to be released from prison,
apparently without supervision, to help them.  Their seemingly
unwarranted and certainly unexpected faith in him always has struck me
as odd.  This is the beginning of a possible explanation for it.

Special thanks to Laci Torres and Cheile for their series "Whispers in
Blindness" which introduced B'Elanna and Tom's spirit guide animals to
me and permitting me to shamelessly borrow them.

AND to Marianne who first came up with B'Elanna's guide animal

And to the PT Fever list who answered my questions and listened to me
grumble about the Fanfic from Hell.

---

Disclaimer: The usual - theirs, not mine, wish they were, but they're
not, etc., etc., don't sue.

(pre "Message in a Bottle")

---

"Hello."

"Mmm, hello."  Smiling, B'Elanna Torres snuggled into the arms of the
man who had just entered her quarters. "I've been waiting for this all
shift." she sighed, going on tiptoe to burrow her face into the side
of
his neck.

"Me, too." Tom Paris breathed into her ear before nuzzling her neck.

"Instead of going out, what would you say to having dinner here and
doing this for a while."

Smiling, he lifted his head to look into her shining eyes. "As much as
I do love that suggestion, I have Holodeck time reserved for us."

"Oh really?"  She tugged his head towards hers.  "And what on the
Holodeck is more interesting than staying here?"

Chuckling, he evaded the sharp little teeth zeroing in on his left
earlobe.  "Oh, just the Holodeck programme I've been working on during
those long, lonely nights when a certain Chief Engineer forgot where
the exits from Engineering were."

"Very funny."

"I thought so."  His excitement became tangible.  "Picture it.  Amon
VII.  Late summer.  The Celine Mountains."

She pulled back.  The fires of passion clearly banked.  "Why do I
sense words 'mountain climbing' about to leave your lips?"

"Hiking actually.  The Celine Mountains aren't challenging enough any
real climbing."  He was perplexed when B'Elanna drew herself out of
his arms and walked away.  "B'Elanna?"

"Practically every time we do something together it's us *doing*
something together." she complained.

"I don't understand."

"Why don't we just have a date where don't *do* anything. No skiing or
water skiing or rock climbing or Klingon martial arts, just the two of
us relaxing for an entire evening?"

"But all that *is* relaxing."

"No," she contradicted, "all that activity exhausts you so you can
*relax*.  You may have more energy than everyone else on the ship
combined, but I don't."  She held up a hand to ward off his
forthcoming objections. "Don't get me wrong, I love doing things
together, but sometimes I'm tired and all I want to do is sit down
somewhere and put my feet up for a while. I'm surprised you're not
tired at the end of shift too.  With all the calculations you have to
do at the helm, I'd expect your brain would be aching."

"Brain, yes, sometimes, but not the rest of me."  Tom's patience was
wearing thin at this revisiting of one of their oldest arguments since
becoming a couple.  "You're able to run all over the ship fixing
things or ripping the heads off of unsuspecting ensigns, but I spend
all shift sitting at the Conn or confined to Sickbay, studying with
the Doc.  When I'm free, I like to do something active."

"You know what I think your real problem is?" she asked him.

Crossing his arms, he regarded her through narrowed eyes. "What, pray
tell, is my problem?"

"You can't sit still for a minute."

"I can't sit?  What do you think I do all shift at the Conn?"

"I've watched you, Paris.  You're always moving some how. Your feet,
your hands, something."

Smirking, he leapt at the chance to change the subject. "You watch me,
huh?"

B'Elanna glared at him.

Tom was imperturbable.  "Just how often do you watch me?"

"Stop trying to change the subject." she chastised.  "The point is you
can't sit still for two seconds, no matter where you are or what you
are doing.  I come off shift tired and looking forward to a little
relaxation and there you are wanting to go do something athletic.
What I am suggesting is why don't we just do nothing for a change.
Just curl up somewhere and talk."

Her words gave her pause.  Four years ago, even four months ago, the
idea of really *talking* with someone was something a woman who always
kept others at arms' length would not have considered.  How she had
changed, she marvelled.  How much this man had changed her.

As if he knew her thoughts, he walked up to her and laid a kiss on her
forehead ridges.  "Just talk, huh?" he asked, beginning to press
kisses down from her temple and along her jaw.

A hand up to ward him off, she moved away from the hands encircling
her waist.  "Oh no, you don't, Mister, that is doing something."

Tom grinned and stalked her until she was backed into the bulkhead  "I
guess you're right." he allowed.  "That could be classified as
athletic."

His lips descended towards hers, but she pushed him away at the last
moment.  He groaned and dropped into a nearby chair. "Okay, fine.
What *am* I allowed to do?"

"I'll make you a bet, Grumpy." she offered, carefully arranging
herself in his lap, arms snaking around his neck.  "If you can go an
entire evening without doing anything athletic...." She nipped his
earlobe as his arms encircled her once more.

"You'll what?" he gasped.

"I'll do that Klingon martial arts programme with you again."

He pulled back and looked into her warm brown eyes.  "One evening of
inactivity in exchange for a workout, huh?"

"Only if it's the whole evening."

He thought about it.  "And if you win?"

"I get to choose what we do on our next date and you have to do it, no
matter what, with no arguing or griping."

Blue eyes narrowed pensively then he grinned.  "Shine up your
bat'leth, beautiful."

"Huh!  Why bother?  I know you, Thomas Eugene Paris.  You won't last
five minutes."

"Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Name the time and place."

"Tomorrow night.  The Resort."

"You're on.  Now come here."  He pulled her closer.  "If am to be
expected to go a whole evening with any athletic activity, I'm going
to have to-"

Her lips cut off whatever smarmy comment he was about to make.

---

"Harry?  Neelix?"

"Yes, Captain?" the pair answered in unison.

She covertly gestured to the men's closest friends who were seated at
a table across the Resort terrace from their position. "Is something
wrong with Tom?"

Inquiringly, the pair's eyes ran over the pilot.

"Not that I know of." Harry answered for them.  "Why?"

"He's just not acting right."

"In what way, Captain?" the Talaxian asked, cocking his head to one
side.  "He looks okay."

"Usually by this point he has B'Elanna out on the dance floor or
walking on the beach or doing something with some of the crew.  But
tonight..." She shrugged.  "They've been here for almost half an hour
and he hasn't left that chair."

The trio watched Tom shift positions uncomfortably in his chair.  The
half-Klingon woman at his side turned her head slightly towards him
and raised an eyebrow.  Tom stilled, gave her an innocent look, then
reached for his near empty glass.  She stared at him for a moment, a
mysterious smile dancing about her lips, before returning to her
conversation with Joe Carey.

"See what I mean?  Something strange is going on."

Harry was about to offer to find out when Joe bade the couple adieu
and left.  Rising, B'Elanna reached for Tom's now empty glass and her
own. She said something which made him grimace and her laugh as she
walked off to the bar for refills. The man she left behind crossed his
arms and scowled at the tabletop.

"I think now would be a good time to happen to drop by their table,
Mr. Kim." Neelix announced.  He had hurried off before Harry had the
chance to suggest he, as Tom's best friend, might get more of the
story, alone. With a quick glance for the Captain, he hurried off
himself.

"Good evening, Tom." Neelix greeted in full Morale Officer mode.

"Neelix.  Harry."

An obvious effort was made by him to relax and appear normal in front
of his friends, so obvious it only made to further alert the pair to
something being amiss.  They shared a look then took the seats the
Chief Engineer and her second had so recently vacated.

"Tom," Neelix began, "is everything all right?"

"Uh, yeah."

"Tom, we were over there and we couldn't help noticing-"

"Well, the Captain noticed first." Harry corrected.

"Yes, Captain Janeway noticed first that, umm, that you were
rather..."

"Less than your normal self."

Tom looked at both of them in turn.  "What do you mean?"

"Well," Harry started, "you're..."

"You're not your usual exuberant self tonight."  Neelix leaned
conspiratorially close as did Harry.  "Are you and Lieutenant Torres
having some sort of problem?" he asked in a hushed voice.  "Maybe we
can help."

The object of their concern groaned and covered his face with his
hands

"Tom, whatever happened, it's nothing that can't be fixed." Harry
insisted anxiously.  "You two have been through so much together..."

Another groan.

Neelix laid a hand on Tom's knee.  "We are your friends, Tom.  Let us
help."

For the already frustrated pilot this was too much.  His shoulders
began to shake.  Harry and Neelix's startled gazes slammed into one
another, each clearly thinking the same thing - the pilot had lost
total control over the emotions he usually hid behind a facade of
impassivity or joking.  They were floundering around for appropriately
comforting words when Tom's hands dropped.  The crying they had
expected instead was laughing.

Harry touched the forearm closest to him.  "Tom?"

Visibly trying to restrain his laughter, Tom placed a hand on the
shoulder of each of his companions.  "As much as I appreciate the
gesture, it's hardly necessary."  He leaned forward himself.
"B'Elanna and I are in the midst of a bet."

"A bet."

"She bet me I couldn't sit still for an entire night without giving in
to the urge to do something."

The ensign grinned and slapped his best friend on the back before
sitting back in his chair as Tom did the same, dropping his hands from
their shoulders.  Neelix however was a little slower on the uptake.

"So your agitation was..."

"Me, slowly going out of my mind."  He lowered his voice to a whisper.
"But don't tell her that."

Harry winked.  "I think she probably already knows, Tom."

"Yeah, probably, but I am going to win this bet, Harry."

"What do you get if you do, or do I want to ask?"

"Me, her, the Holodeck, and..." he paused for effect, "my Klingon
Martial Arts programme."

"Oh, you just know she's not going to let you win, Paris." his best
friend laughed.  "She hates that programme.  She tells you so every
time I've ever heard you invite her to share it with you again."

"I have to agree with Mr. Kim, Tom.  Lieutenant Torres does dislike
being reminded of her Klingon heritage.  Not as much as she used to
but still..."

"Ha, you two have so little faith in me.  I *will* win this bet.
B'Elanna *will* do the programme.  And you two *will* eat crow."

Harry grinned at his friend's hubris.  "Tom, you are deluded." he
laughed, squeezing his best friend's shoulder.

The pilot merely grinned as Kim left with Neelix in tow. The grin
broadened as the cook began pestering the ensign with questions about
what "crow" was and if he should be replicating some of it for the
next party were it a food item the crew might be missing.  Tom made a
mental note to avoid the next party.

Given the fact only about forty or so of the crew were present, it was
not long before everyone heard from the Talaxian of the couple's bet
and were placing their own sizeable bets on when, not if, Tom would
lose the dare.  The consensus was that under normal circumstances,
Paris could not withstand enforced inactivity for very long, but his
ingrained competitiveness with Torres might just give him the strength
he needed to hold out longer than normal.  They all agreed that sooner
or later B'Elanna would win.

Some present even decided to help things along by trying to entrap
Tom.  An invitation to a game of pool.  A hastily organised volleyball
game.  An interesting conversation a few metres away which "would
greatly benefit from Lieutenant Paris's imput if he would come over to
join them". Nothing worked. Knowing B'Elanna's eyes were firmly locked
on him from across the terrace where she was conferring with some of
her staff, Tom refused each invitation with a plausible excuse.
Eventually, a new tactic was devised.  A crewman from Maintenance
"accidentally" lobbed a beach ball in Tom's direction.  Without
realising what was happening, Tom quickly was drawn into a game of
catch with the crewman and his partners in crime.

After nearly hitting an unsuspecting Ensign with the ball, Tom's
opponents scampered off, either in search of the runaway ball or to
evade the disgruntled Ensign, it was not clear. Laughing, Tom settled
back in his chair then froze, realising what had just happened.  A
guilty look on his face, he scanned the area for B'Elanna.  Her smugly
grinning at him from a couple of metres away told him she had seen
all.  He groaned and slumped down in his chair, hands over his face,
to the laughter of everyone.  Chakotay, who had been watching and was
grinning almost as widely as B'Elanna, assumed the seat next to the
young man.

"That was entrapment!" Tom moaned.  "Why did I ever agree to this?"

"Because it was a challenge," the Commander laughed, "and I've never
seen you refuse a challenge, Tom Paris, especially not one issued by
B'Elanna Torres."

"Go ahead and gloat."

The First Officer laughed out loud.  "I am."

Hands falling, Tom slumped even farther down in his chair. "You know,
what really amazes me is that she can do it.  If I ever saw anyone
that was a bundle of energy it was her."

The lack of comment from Chakotay made Tom's blue eyes open. The older
man's thoughts were turned inwards and he was smiling.

"What?"

"Huh?" he remembered Tom's presence.  "Oh, I was just remembering what
she was like when she asked me to show her how to contact her spirit
guide. She barely could sit still, like someone else I know, but she
was determined to try it anyway. When we'd begun though, she actually
calmed down considerably. Then of course she actually saw her spirit
guide and all Hell broke loose and she tried to kill it." he laughed.
He stopped at the thoughtful look on Tom's face.  "What is it?"

Tom was quiet for a moment, clearly trying to pick the exact words to
phrase whatever he was thinking.  Once he had them, he sat up and
leaned towards the big man.  "Is that why you are... the way you are?"
he asked quietly.

"The way I am?"

"So... calm all the time?  Can your spirit guide do that for you?"

Chakotay's look became as serious as Tom's.  He leaned forwards,
unconsciously mirroring Paris's position of hands clasped, elbows on
knees. "One's spirit guide can offer assistance in finding inner peace
and provide guidance in time of confusion, yes, but it doesn't dictate
your actions or moods.  It is your life, not your spirit guide's.  You
are in control of everything about you, Tom.  It is only a guide, not
a master."

The younger man thought this over for a moment. Suddenly, his eyes
rose to Chakotay's.  The expression on Tom's face could only be termed
as wary and more than a bit tentative. "Could you..." Tom looked at
his hands then looked at the other man again.  "Could you show me how
to do it?"

He was a bit taken aback, not knowing what to say.

Tom took this a stalling tactic while the Commander searched for a way
to politely refuse.  As always, his standard self defence mechanism of
retreat and disguising his true feelings kicked in.  He made a move to
get up.  "It's okay.  It's not important.  I-"

A hand was laid on Tom's forearm.  "I can, *if* you are serious about
wanting to try."

He relaxed only slightly and nodded once.

"All right.  My quarters.  Tomorrow.  After your shift in Sickbay."

"Fine."

At the sound of a delighted squeal, the shadows in Tom's eyes
vanished, as did the serious mood.  A small green clad body launched
herself at the pilot.  Laughing he caught the little girl in mid-leap
and hugged her to him.

"Give us a kiss." Naomi Wildman demanded in a singsong.

They gave each other a big, noisy kiss on the lips.

"Give us a hug." Tom responded automatically.

The child wrapped her arms around his neck and squeezed. With
considerably less force then she was exerting, Tom hugged her back.

Chakotay shook his head at the display.  No matter how many times he
saw these two go through this routine, it always made him smile.
Kathryn is right, he realised.  Tom Paris is a big marshmallow inside,
especially when it comes to Voyager's only child.

"What you doing, Cucumber?" Tom asked, cuddling her in his lap and
delivering the rest of their routine.

"I'm not a cucumber."

"Are you sure?"  He pointedly looked at the dark green play outfit she
so loved and was wearing at the moment.  "You sure look like one."

"No." she giggled.  "You're silly."

Tom looked aghast.  "Me silly?  Never!  I'm not the one who thinks
they're a vegetable."

Naomi began giggling harder as he tickled her.

The Commander shook his head.  Paris could charm the birds out of the
trees, as the old saying went.  No woman was immune to that charm,
regardless of age.

"Hey, Tom!  You can move now you know!" Harry yelled from across the
terrace.

Not missing a beat, the pilot stood and slung the squirming little
girl over his left shoulder, left arm around her waist to hold her in
place.  The smile on his face vanished for a minute as he looked at
the Commander.

"Tomorrow, after shift."

"Fine."

He nodded once then the smile reappeared as he tickled Naomi's bare
feet.  She giggled and squirmed as Tom walked off with her to join his
best friend.

---

The next evening, Chakotay was wondering if this was such a good idea
after all.  True, if there were anyone on Voyager who could do with
some inner peace and guidance it was Tom Paris, but did he honestly
want to share this aspect of himself with the cocky pilot? There were
a precious few on the ship with whom he had shared this experience.
B'Elanna, Kathryn, a couple of the Maquis, none others than those to
whom he felt closest.  Even now, after over four years of knowing the
mercurial young man, he remained uncertain if he even liked him, let
alone felt close to him.  Not that anyone other than B'Elanna and
Harry could say they were close to Tom Paris.  The man simply refused
to let anyone other than them in.  Too many people who had been let in
must have hurt him, Kathryn always told him when they argued about
Chakotay's attitude towards her personal reclamation project.  He
would admit it probably was the truth yet it did not make things
easier.  Tom Paris had the most disconcerting ability to get up his
nose, as an old friend of his in the Maquis would have said. Given
that fact alone, would Chakotay be able to exercise the type of
patience that might be needed in teaching him how to do this?

He paused in the act of setting out the things he would need for Tom's
journey.  His patience?  What about Tom's?  At times a bulkhead had
more patience than he did.  His mind flew back to the incident with
B'Elanna on the Mari home world.  When she had been sentenced to
having her thoughts purged Tom had been all for busting her out
regardless of the Starfleet and Mari rules that action would have
broken.  Could he actually control himself long enough to permit
things to happen as they should with the ritual?

Why was Tom *really* doing this anyway? he wondered.  Because he lost
a bet with B'Elanna?  That may have bruised his ego, but it was
nothing that had not happened before.  The pair's battles were
legendary on Voyager.  Rarely would one concede to the other before he
or she had no other option but to do so.  Bets, dares and the like
were common enough between them and whichever one lost invariably had
a brief bout of the sulks then things would return to normal.

This, however, was a rather enormous step for Paris to take.  The idea
of him actually admitting he wanted to change something about himself
was a shock.  True, he always admitted his failings, but it usually
was accompanied by a metaphorical resigned sigh.  "This is the way I
am.  I can't change it.  You just have to accept it like I do." it
seemed to say.

He has made some self-improvements, Chakotay's conscience pointed
out. Tom has grown up considerably over the past four years on
Voyager.  Yet always on his own, he argued, never consciously
requesting someone else's intervention, never deliberately opening
himself to the criticism everyone tacitly understood had accompanied
his father's attempts to improve the failings he perceived in the
younger Paris.  Why would that change now?

Frowning, he wished he had found the time to consult with his spirit
guide about Paris.  Perhaps with her reassurance he would not be
having these doubts.

The door chimed.  Too late to do it now.  His new student had arrived.

"Come."

The man who entered obviously was exhausted and more than slightly ill
at ease.

"Tom?  You okay?"

He nodded, unconsciously straightening.  "Double shift with the Doc.
Pop quiz."

"How'd you do?"

"I passed with flying colours."  The cocky grin which normally would
have accompanied such a statement was absent, proving how worn out he
was. "The Doc took it as an indication my studies weren't challenging
me enough and immediately dumped a double load of lessons on me."  He
shook his head. "Sometimes I swear he actually sets me up to fail so
he can lecture me about buckling down to my studies."

Chakotay smiled.  "You know that's not true."

Tom half smiled.  "I know.  Just like I know he's just trying to train
me the best he can."

"And you find that frustrating."

"Sometimes.  Look, can we start."

"You're in a hurry?"

"I'd just like to start."

Closely watched Tom's face, the Commander took a seat in the armchair.
"Why exactly are you doing this, Tom?"

"Excuse me?"

"It's a simply question.  Why are you so anxious to do this?"

Tom couldn't meet Chakotay's eyes.  "Curiosity."

"Curiosity because B'Elanna, myself, and a few others have experienced
this you want to know what the big deal is?"

"Sure."

Had Tom met his eyes and Chakotay not heard the almost longing in his
voice the night before when he had spoken of the calmness Chakotay
possessed, he might have taken that at face value.  But Tom didn't and
Chakotay had so he didn't.

"That might be part of the reason," the Commander conceded, "but I
think there's more to this than you're saying."

The younger man made for the door.  "Let's just forget this."

"Tom."  The firm tone made him stop.  "I just want to know if you are
doing this for the right reasons."

Tom was silent.

"If you honestly wish to find out some things about yourself and help
yourself, then fine, I'll help you." he allowed, patience almost
non-existent as was the norm for his dealings with this man.  "If you
are doing this thinking you can gain all this self control from your
spirit guide then challenge B'Elanna to a rematch of last night's bet,
it's not the right reason.  Your spirit guide will not come to you if
you are not ready to meet it."  His ears strained to hear what the man
muttered to himself under his breath.  "What, Tom?"

The pilot squared his shoulders.  Clearly, he was considering whether
to repeat his thought or not.  Finally, he chose the former. "If I
have one."

"One what?  Spirit guide?" Chakotay was incredulous.  "Of course you
have one.  Everyone does."

There was a mirthless snort from the other man yet he said nothing.

"Tom...  I'm at a loss.  I don't know how to assure you about
something which depends so heavily on faith.  You'll just have to
trust me when I tell you everyone has one, even you."

The silence continued.  This time the older man held his tongue,
permitting the pilot to wrestle with himself over whether he could
bring himself to trust his Commander's assurances or not.  At last he
turned and nodded once, eyes on the floor.

"So if you aren't convince you even have one, why are you doing this?"
Chakotay pressed again.

"I don't know why."  Tom amended his comment when the silence from the
other man indicated that answer was not good enough.  "I feel like I
have to.  Don't ask anymore."

Knowing this was the most he was liable to hear, the Commander rose
from the chair.  "We'll sit down there and begin."

Clearly relieved, Tom assumed the indicated place on the floor while
Chakotay lit two aromatic candles on the coffee table and called for
the lights to dim.  Once the Commander had joined him on the floor, he
listened without comment for many minutes as the meditation process
was explained to him.

For the first time in their history together, Chakotay actually saw
true fear in Tom's eyes when they lifted to his at the end of his
explanation.  "You won't be there, too?"  The question came out
sounding like that of a five-year-old contemplating his first day of
school with dread.

"This is your quest, not mine, Tom.  Your spirit guide might not come
to you if I am there."  He laid a hand on Tom's shoulder.  "There is
nothing to fear, Tom.  Nothing bad.  Trust me."

His eyes dropped to the device Chakotay had wrapped before him moments
earlier.  There was the single nod again.

The sense of uneasiness, which had begun before Tom had arrived,
stayed with Chakotay as he and his new student performed the necessary
rituals for the first time together.  There was nothing to fear,
Chakotay told himself.  Everything is fine.

So why are you afraid? he asked himself.

To that, he had no answer.

---

In the nanosecond before he opened his eyes, Tom knew he did not want
to be wherever he was.  He felt the cold and damp seeping through his
clothing, the utter silence deafening his ears.  This place was too
quiet, eerily quiet.  The hairs on the back of his neck stood straight
up.  His troubled blue eyes flew open.  His stance fell into the
defensive crouch he had perfected after countless hours of Klingon
martial arts.

He was deep inside a dark forest.  Everywhere he looked he saw huge,
Redwood sized tree trunks, dense, dark green foliage and inky black
shadows.  Dark earth tones were the only colours here- deep browns,
greens and blacks.  No other colours.  No flowers.  No animals.  No
life other than the trees, the scrub brush, and him.

Despite that, his senses told him he was not alone.  He could not hear
or see or even smell anyone else yet he knew they were there. Many
"they"s actually.  And "they" were coming closer with every passing
second.

Fear like he had never known suddenly coursed through him.  The man
who boldly had stared down a mob of murderous criminals in the
Akritirian prison to protect Harry Kim began to tremble.  The young
man who resolutely had faced a hostile panel of admirals at his
court-martial began to sweat. The boy who silently had accepted a
disapproving father's harsh words began to hyperventilate.  The
frightened animal who was Tom Paris began to run.

---

For Chakotay, still seated across from Tom's body, the trembling,
sweating, and laboured breathing was a mildly alarming, though not an
entirely unheard of, reaction.  He remembered when he was a little boy
and he, one of his second cousins, and two of their friends had
disobeyed their elders and sneaked out one night to observe the older
brother of one of the friends who was on his first Vision Quest.  He
had been like this, but it had been from days of wandering the
wilderness outside of their settlement, following the complex, ancient
rituals which would permit him to commune with the spirits.  The
scientist in Chakotay would admit the combination of exhaustion,
deprivation of water and food, and the intake of certain psychoactive
herbs was more the root of his friend's brother's bedraggled and manic
appearance than the communing part.  That was not the case for Tom.

Or was it? he wondered.  A double shift in Sickbay.  A pop quiz
followed by intensive studying.  And hadn't Tom made some apology to
Neelix at the staff meeting that morning before his shifts about
having to leave the party early last night because of some personal
crisis with one of his pilots?  That would explain his reaction.
Exhaustion plus quite probably skipping meals to study plus the
nervousness about doing something outside of his realm of experience
could equal this sort of reaction.

Deciding everything probably was progressing as it should; Chakotay
rose from the floor.  His intention all along had been to catch up on
some reports while he waited for Tom to return.  The soft sound of the
door chime forestalled that plan.  The Commander rushed over to answer
the door for fear the sound would interrupt his student.

"Kathryn."  He unceremoniously tugged her far enough back into the
corridor to ensure his quarters' door closed.

"Chakotay?"

"I'm sorry, Kathryn, but Tom's in there and I don't want him disturbed
right now."

Her auburn coloured brows nearly disappeared into her hairline. "Tom?"

"Yes."

"In your quarters?"

"Yes."

"What did he do to B'Elanna and what did you do to him because of it?"

Chakotay chuckled along with her.  "Nothing and nothing."  He thought
for a moment about whether he should intrude on Tom's privacy by
telling the Captain what he was doing.  In the end, he did not have to
choose.

Kathryn's nose wrinkled delicately.  "Chakotay?"

"Yes?"

"That smell."  Her eyes leapt to his.  "The candles.  Tom's... You're
showing him how to...."

"Yes."

"Whose idea was that?"

"His, believe it or not."

"Huh.  What do you know?"

"It took me a bit by surprise as well but here he is."

"And how's it going?"

"Fine, I think."

"You think?"

"Well, he isn't having the easy time of it that you and most everyone
else I've ever seen do this have but-"

"What exactly what kind of time is he having?"  The mother hen in her
was in full evidence.

"Kathryn, he's tired and probably skipped lunch because he was
studying with the Doctor, and -" He broke off as some crewmembers to
pass by- "-and he was a bit unsure about all this when it finally came
time to do it.  All that put together and he's having a little rougher
go of it than anyone else does."

"How rough?"

"Nothing too out of line, Kathryn, I promise you.  You know I wouldn't
do anything to endanger your personal reclamation project."

She gave him an uneasy smile.  "Can I see him?"

He motioned for her to proceed him inside his quarters.  Tom had
neither moved from his spot on the floor nor withdrawn his fingers
from the akoonah touchpad.  The outward signs of distress continued
unabated.

"Chakotay!"

"He'll be okay, Kathryn." he assured her quietly.  "I saw something
similar once before.  Well, not exactly under the same circumstances
but there was nothing to worry about then and there isn't now.  He'll
be fine."

The look on her face indicated she was not convinced.  "You will stay
here and watch him."  It was an order not a request.

"Of course."

"And if he gets any worse-"

"I'll inform the Doctor immediately."

Reluctantly, she nodded and left, forgetting to mention the reason for
her visit.

---

Even from so far away, she, in the deepest of meditations, felt his
presence.  Cautiously, she reached out to him.  Not enough for him to
sense her presence as she did his, but just enough to brush his
consciousness. She had to be careful.  She had to be certain it truly
was him before she told the others.  After so many misidentifications,
she had to know if it was *him* before she told her people.  They
could not be disappointed again.

---

There had to be a way out of here, Tom assured himself, hurtling head
long through the forest.  There had to be some escape from them. They
were right behind him, he knew they were though refused to glance over
his shoulder to check.  It partly was to avoid collision with a tree
trunk, but mostly out of the fear of actually seeing his pursuers.  He
had no idea who they were, only that he had to evade them or else
suffer dire consequences. That feeling alone was a good enough reason
for him at this point.

But Fate had other plans for him.  As he dodged yet another Redwood,
his toe caught an exposed root and down he went.  Before he could
scramble to his feet, they were upon him.

That was when he began to scream.

---

Reclining on the couch, Chakotay nearly had dosed off while reviewing
the latest astrometrics reports.  The dry, factual data with which
Seven had provided him may have been fascinating for her but he found
it to be an excellent barbiturate.  He'd have to remember it the next
time he had insomnia, he mused hazily.

Tom's scream drove all of the report's effects away.  Chakotay was up
and off of the couch in a flash, nearly tripping over the coffee table
in his haste.  He grabbed the candles before they could tip off and
was rewarded with hot wax coursing down the back of both of his hands.
Trying not to do a little screaming himself, he shoved the injured
appendages under his arms and kneeled opposite Tom.

"Bridge to Commander Chakotay."

"Go ahead, Tuvok." he ground out.

"Commander, internal sensors have registered a disturbance in your
quarters.  Do you need assistance?"

Chakotay's automatic response was to have been in the negative, yet,
after taking a visual inventory of Tom, he changed his mind.  The
young man's hair and clothing was soaked right through.  The naturally
fair skin was blanched pale as death.  The tremors and laboured
breathing had ceased so now he was frozen in place, barely breathing.

"Send the Doctor to my quarters with a medkit right away."

Kathryn's worried voice came over the channel.  "Chakotay, is Tom-"

"Yes." he cut her off.

"I'm on my way.  Bridge out."

---

The scream frightened her.  From the thick branch on which she sat
unobserved, she looked down at the incomprehensible melee beneath her.
Shadowy forms leapt out from the foliage to swarm the prone figure.
To her eyes, they had no discernible features, no arms or legs, no
hands or feet. Each was a blur of a shade of grey with a presence so
strong she wondered why she had had not felt them before.

To the object of the disturbance, his assailants had more substance.
With every demonstration of their tangible anger, she could see him
reel as if from physical blows.  Her heart went out to him. Even if it
was not him, her innately good nature made her wish she could
intervene.  The enormity of her mission, her purpose for coming there,
her reason for seeking the right man, and her goal for her people
prevented her from moving a nanometre towards him. Determinedly she
forced herself to be detached and focus on her task at hand.

---

"Report, Doctor." the Captain demanded the moment she entered her
First Officer's quarters uninvited.

"Preliminary scans indicate he is in severe distress." the hologram
answered, running over his patient with a medical tricorder.

"I honestly can't figure out why." Chakotay said, still kneeling in
front of Tom as he used a dermal regenerator on his own injured hands.

"Chakotay, what happened to your hands?" she asked, distractedly
noticing what he was doing.

"I splashed some hot wax on them by accident.  It's nothing to do with
Tom."

"I see.  Doctor, any idea what is happening to Tom?"

"Not entirely.  His brain activity is abnormal to say the least. When
did this distress start, Commander?"

"Not long after he began." the First Officer responded, setting aside
the dermal regenerator.

The Doctor ran the tricorder over the akoonah.   "I would need an
Engineering tricorder to be certain but I think there is something
wrong with this device."

"But it checked out okay after the last time I used it."

"Whether it worked then or not, turn it off." Kathryn insisted.

The Doctor prevented her from doing so.  "Captain, right now we are
going to do nothing of the sort."

"But you just said-"

"It is would be like waking a sleepwalker, Kathryn."  Chakotay
insisted.  "It would be a huge shock to Tom's mind if we abruptly
dragged him back here."

Frowning, the EMH looked at the Commander.  "Setting aside the debate
about whether Mr. Paris's consciousness truly is on some other plane,
the fact of the matter remains I cannot explain what is going on with
his brain.  The reading are like nothing I ever have encountered
before.  I cannot permit you to interfere with him in anyway until I
know it will not cause permanent and severe brain damage."

"We can't just leave him like this!"

"We have to... for now."

Kathryn's shoulders slumped as she realised they were right. "You'll
move him to Sickbay."

"No, I don't think so." he contradicted, turning back to his patient.
"Not at this time anyway.  I don't know what the transporter might do
to him or the device.  Moving him bodily might break his contact with
it.  For now I think it is best to keep him here.  Let him come around
in the same surroundings he saw when he... left.  More soothing.  I'll
have monitoring devices set up to watch over him but for now he'll
have to stay where he is."

"Monitoring devices are fine, but I don't want Tom left alone."

"I'll be here," Chakotay assured her, "and I'm sure Tom's friends will
come sit with him when I can't be."

"Surely it won't take that long."

The Doctor shrugged.  "I'm not sure how long it will take, Captain."

"Tom may still come out of this naturally." Chakotay added.

"I'll go retrieve the equipment I need."  Handing the tricorder to the
Captain, the EMH departed.

"Tell me again how you've seen this sort of reaction before." Kathryn
snapped.  The pained look on his face elicited a sigh from her as she
ran a hand through her hair.  "I'm sorry, Chakotay.  That was uncalled
for."

"No, it was, Kathryn.  I should not have let him do this.  I had a bad
feeling about it before he even got here tonight.  I honestly thought
it was just me not trusting his motivation for wanting to do this.  I
never thought it might be an omen.  Until now, I've never heard of
anyone having an adverse reaction to this.  I honestly didn't think
there was any danger involved."  He glared at the akoonah.  "I scanned
it after I used it the last time.  As routine maintenance. All
readings were normal.  I can't understand this."

Tom let out another scream.  They both jumped.

Shaking, she pressed her free hand to her lips.  "Wherever he is..."

"Is not anywhere we want to be." he finished for her as frightened as
she.

---

It was no use, Tom realised.  They just kept coming.  The more he
struggled the worse it all became.  He curled into the foetal
position, eyes screwed shut against the pain.  The memories continued
to flood him, painful ones long ago shoved to the recesses of his
mind.

The first time he knew someone was his friend only because of his
family name.

The earliest realisation he was a disappointment to his father.

The despair in discovering no matter what he did he never would hear
his father say he loved him.

The loss of his first love, Susie Crabtree.

The hell of Caldik Prime.

The months of aimless wandering, alcoholic blackouts, and bar fights.

The depths to which he had sunk to survive.

The suspicions of the Maquis.

The censorious looks of the Starfleet officers who captured him.

The dull ache of not having even one member of his family at his
trial.

The torments at the hands of his fellow prisoners.

The lengths to which he had to resort to ensure his safety in New
Zealand.

The impotence to stop Durst's death in the Vidiian prison

The attempted murder of Harry in Akritirian prison by Paris's own
hand.

They all left him as tattered and near defenceless.

That was the instant the ones he had not even known he harboured
struck.  They swarmed over him, like scavengers over carrion.  They
picked him clean of the last, precious residue of self-control and
self-defence he possessed.  They continued tearing at him until all
that was left of him was a few metaphorical bones scattered here and
there.

It was they who forced him to begin to remember all.  Horrific
memories, some locked away for over thirty years.  All the proper
terms came back to him along with graphic demonstrations of exactly
what they signified.  He was there, reliving it all again, as
powerless to stop any of it as he had been at the time they had
occurred.

And "they" were glad.

Now he knew who the "they" were who had been pursuing him.  Now he was
terrified of them, not just afraid.

---

Despite knowing all of them were too intent on their prey to look far
up into the tree and see her, she shrank back against the tree trunk.
Unlike her, everyone else obviously knew what was going on. Clearly,
they were sharing some sort of telepathic link which did not include
her and as much as she wanted to know what was happening, she was
reluctant to reach out to merge her consciousness with the man's to
find out.  There was the fear the predators would sense it and take it
as a sign they were together and pounce on her, too.  She would not
permit herself to be placed in the position of having to align herself
with someone who was the wrong man merely for protection from his
attackers.

And surely this was the wrong man. Yes, he was the correct build and
colouring, but could the one who had been described to them have done
anything so horrid so as to merit this sort of treatment?  Could
anyone? She could not see any physical blows being made, but she could
see the results and they were ghastly.

Yet she could not bring herself to leave, not when there remained a
chance it was him.

So she stayed, safely hidden where she was, and watched the gruesome
spectacle far below, certain it could not become any worse.

---

She was wrong.  All the while, waiting in the background, were two who
were delighted to witness the man's misery.  These two were had
special meaning to Tom Paris.  They were not quite like the others.
Their grudge against him was even more personal.

Their lips were curved into identical sneers.  They were pleased by
the events unfolding before them.  They had enjoyed watching his
memories return to him, literally with a vengeance.  What did not
please them though was that in spite of the lingering morals of which
others had tried and failed to strip him, he felt no remorse for what
he had done to them.

But they were going to see to it that changed and he came to regret
everything that he had done to them.

When the others had expressed the full brunt of their rage towards the
injured man before them, they retreated to the shadows to silently
watch the macabre show which was about to begin.  They smiled as Gul
Camet and his biological father, Legate Meer, approached their
murderer with mayhem on their minds.

---

B'Elanna never had felt quite this way before.  She felt so helpless.
Her arms ached to hold her beloved, to make the pain and fear she saw
so clearly etched on his handsome features go away, to soothe his now
occasional cries.  But she could not hold him or touch him or comfort
him in any way.  The Doctor had been adamant with B'Elanna, Harry, and
Neelix about that when they had been told of Tom's troubles and
volunteered to take shifts sitting with him.  No touching, the Doctor
had ordered.  No talking to him.  No urging him to rejoin them.  No
interfering in any way. Just leave him be until the Doctor figured
this out or Tom awoke on his own.  That order frustrated everyone,
especially B'Elanna.

And you thought having to sit through staff meetings without being
able to do more than a bit of surreptitious hand holding under the
table was bad, she told her self.  This, this is Hell.  Only the
thought she might do him more harm than good kept her in position
seated crossed legged opposite him on the floor.

"How's he doing?"

She looked up into Harry Kim's worried eyes as he entered the
quarters.  "No change."

The same battle she had so recently fought with herself over
physically comforting Tom was evident on Harry's face.  His hands
clenched and unclenched at his sides.  She reached out a hand to him
and he took it, eyes never leaving their friend.

"He will come out of this."

Harry looked down at her.  His doubts visible in his eyes.

"He has to, Harry."

"What if he doesn't?"

"He will."  She flashed him a grin which did not reach her eyes. "We
have a date tomorrow night and he knows how ticked off I get when he
misses one of our dates."

Offering her a slight smile, he took a seat next to her, their hands
still clasped.  "You went through this - well, not this, but what Tom
was trying to do, right?"

"Yes, but nothing like this ever happened."

"I know Commander Chakotay says it is personal and all, but what was
it like?  What happened?"

"Well, I performed the ritual he taught me, deep breathing and
meditating, and suddenly I opened my eyes and I was in this strange
place I'd never seen before.  It was warm and sunny and I was in the
middle of this giant meadow full of tall grass and wildflowers. Behind
me was this big shade tree right there in the middle of the nowhere.
There wasn't another tree in sight.  And perched on a branch was
this..." She grimaced distastefully.

"This what?"

"This bird.  The ugliest thing I'd ever seen.  It just sat there,
staring at me with these huge eyes."  She shivered again.

"And that's when you tried to kill it."

"Well, it was ugly!"

"That's a reason for killing something?"

She went on as though he had not spoken.  "Besides,  I didn't like the
way it was looking at me."

"Looking?"

"Like... I don't know how, I just didn't like it."

Harry shook his head.

"Anyway, it was nothing like what's happened to Tom.  Chakotay was
with me the entire time.  Well, he wasn't actually with me there but
he was with my body anyway.  He says the only time I was the least bit
agitated was right at the end.  It must have been when I..."

"When you were trying to kill a poor defenceless bird who's only crime
was to look at you funny."

"Defenceless?  You should have seen the beak and talons on that
thing."

A whimper from Tom reminded them of their purpose there.  Both sets of
eyes snapped to the man.  His posture had not changed - it remained as
perfectly straight as when he had begun - but both received the
impression that mentally at least he was cowering.

"At this rate, his readings will enter into the dangerous range within
a day." the Doctor told the Captain and Commander as the three entered
the latter's quarters.

"We have to do something." B'Elanna insisted.

"I still have not been able to discover a safe course of action,
Lieutenant.  Until I have one, we can risk Tom."  He frowned heavily
at the display on the monitoring device he had set up on Chakotay's
small dining table.  "If only there were some way to get into his head
and evaluate the situation from there."

"Perhaps Tuvok could initiate a mindmeld." the Captain suggested.

"I already discussed that option with him and decided against it.
Though they have successfully melded in the past, Mr. Paris's brain
activity is too erratic to do so safely this time.  And, of course,
given his highly emotional state it might be too much for Lieutenant
Commander Tuvok's Vulcan controls.  With Vulcan's telepathic
abilities, his losing control could have a detrimental effect on the
remainder of the crew."

Chakotay glanced at Tom and his worried friends then looked the Doctor
in the eye.  "I could go in."

Everyone else turned to him.

"I could use the akoonah I gave the Captain to visit her spirit
guide. Perhaps my spirit guide can explain what is happening with
Tom."

"Even if it would work, which I doubt, I would rather not risk it,
Commander.  I already have one patient I cannot treat.  I do not need
two."

"But I've never had any trouble like this, Doctor.  Besides, we don't
have any other options."

The EMH considered this.  "Only if the device is fully checked out by
Engineering first." he begrudged.  "I don't want any malfunctions."

"Agreed.  Captain?"

Kathryn looked at Chakotay for a long moment then her eyes fell to
Tom.  Slowly, she nodded her assent.

---

Thirty minutes later, Chakotay opened his eyes to find himself in a
meadow of wildflowers and tall grass.  This was not too out of the
ordinary.  He had been here before with his spirit guide.  What was
extraordinary was the sinister looking woods approximately forty
metres away.  That was a new sight for him.

His spirit guide, seated on her haunches next to him, also was
watching the forest.  The wolf did not look up or acknowledge his
presence though he knew she knew he was there.

"Where are we?" he asked, looking around him at the unfamiliar
surroundings.

*We are here.*

That was less than helpful, thought Chakotay, but, used to her way of
making him figure things out for himself, he let it pass.  "I am
looking for one who came here and has not returned to us."

*He is there.*

Chakotay looked around.  "Where?"

The wolf gestured with her muzzle towards the dark woods. *There.*

"I've never seen that place before."

*That is because it's never been here before.*

"Never been here?"

*Yes.*

"It just appeared out of nowhere?"

*It came when he came.*

"And he is there."

*Yes.*

"I need to see him."

*You cannot.*

"He has been here too long."

*There is no time here.*

"He is needed elsewhere."

*That is where he must be for now.*

"I have to go get him.  He has to leave-"

With narrowed eyes, the wolf finally looked at him.  *Only he will
know when it is the time to leave.  You may not influence him by going
there.*

At times her firm tone reminded him of the other important woman in
his life.  He shoved aside the recurring thought that perhaps that was
the partial explanation for his attraction to Kathryn.  Shoving that
thought aside yet again, Chakotay sighed.  "There are those who become
increasingly worried with every second he does not return."

*That cannot be helped.*

"What is that place?"

*It is what it is.*

"It looks dangerous."

*It is that.*

Those tiny, three words worried Chakotay.

The wolf sensed this.  *If he is strong, he shall survive.  If he is
not, he shall not.*

"There is nothing I can do to help him?"

*You may not interfere with things you were not meant to understand.*

"At least tell me he found his guide and it is with him."

*He did not and it is not.*

"What?!"

*His guide is there, with his mate, waiting for him to emerge or not.*

Following her gaze, Chakotay looked towards the woods, or rather
slightly to the left of the part of the woods at which he had stared
previously.  There, not part of the woods but some metres distant from
the edge of them, was a lone tree.  Sitting on a branch of that tree
was a magnificent golden eagle and an equally impressive, though much
smaller, peregrine falcon, both intently staring into the dense
vegetation.  Given huge eyes of the falcon snuggled up to the eagle,
he guessed the smaller bird was B'Elanna's spirit guide.  Seeing it
was present caused the last of Chakotay's concerns over B'Elanna's
involvement with Tom to evaporate.  If her guide was there so
obviously comforting the eagle, her mate - no matter how much
ornithologists would argue about the improbability of such a pairing
in the "real" universe -  it could only mean their counterparts
belonged together as Kathryn maintained.  He smiled at the thought
B'Elanna finally had found her mate and had the chance of happiness.

Provided Tom survived, he reminded himself, smile fading.  His eyes
settled on Tom's guide animal.  A golden eagle, he thought to himself.
What else would the cocky, natural born pilot have for a guide.  "I
understand why the falcon is not with him, she is not his companion,
but why is the eagle out here and not in there with him?"

*He is not yet ready for him.*

Suddenly there was a scream from the woods.  Human.  And undeniably in
pain.  Chakotay leapt to his feet to rush to Tom's aid but the wolf
blocked his path and he literally flew head over heels over the back
of the animal.

"What did you do that for!" he shouted angrily.

*You were told you may not help him.*

"But-"

*It is for him alone to do this.  No one else.*

"But-"

*No one else.*

The wolf resumed her seat.  Chakotay picked himself up off of the
grass and brushed off his uniform.  Another scream made him tense but,
with supreme effort, he stood his ground.  His spirit guide nodded at
his restraint.  Sighing, he sat next to her to wait.



From: "melanie" <melanie@skynet.ca> Subject: Spirit Guide 4/5 Date:
Wed, 10 Jun 1998 23:47:03 -0400

"It's been over an hour."

No one responded to Neelix's comment.  In fact no one had said much of
anything since long before he had arrived to confirm the rumours of
the Captain and the Doctor rushing to Tom's side.  He himself had only
left once to collect refreshments for those who were standing vigil
over the two meditating men seated on the floor.  The sandwiches -
leola root free though they were - remained untouched on the coffee
table.  Captain, sitting beside Neelix on the couch, cradled her fifth
cup of Neelix's latest coffee substitute.  No one else could muster
much interest in eating or drinking.

Harry paced the quarters, stopping to look over the Doctor's shoulder
every once in a while to check readings even the Doctor had trouble
deciphering.  While the young ensign had held vigils like this over
his accident-prone best friend before, this one was the worst. His
youthful face seemed to have aged a year for each of  the past
nineteen hours since he had been told of Tom's problem.

B'Elanna did not appear to be much better.  Over the past hour she had
edged as close to Tom as she could without touching him. Given her
Klingon ridges, her brow could show no signs of furrowing as those of
Harry and the other's did but her eyes showed her concern to a degree
more than enough to compensate for any impossibility of biology.

"Something is happening to Commander Chakotay."

Everyone tensed at the Doctor's announcement.  Was the worst case
scenario coming true?  Was what had happened to Tom happening to
Chakotay, too?

"He's coming around." the Doctor answered their unasked question.

The Commander slowly opened his eyes.  His large hands ran over his
face then fell back to his lap.

"Well?" B'Elanna prompted anxiously.

"I wasn't allowed to see him."

"But he is okay.  You sent word to him to come back."

Chakotay reached for her hand and squeezed it.  "B'Elanna-"

"No.  Give me that.  I'll go get him."

His hand prevented her from touching the meditation aid.  "You won't
be allowed to see him either, B'Elanna.  He's there until it is over."

"Until what is over?" Kathryn asked him.

"I don't know exactly.  All my spirit guide would tell me is it is
where he must be for the moment and when he is through he will return
to us."  Knowing if she heard he was in danger, B'Elanna literally
would fight him to get to the akoonah and to Tom, Chakotay kept quiet
about the chance he might not survive.

"Through with what?" B'Elanna demanded.

"I wasn't told."

"Chakotay-"

"His guide will help him, B'Elanna." the Captain soothed, moving
around the coffee table and crouching next to her, a hand finding the
distraught woman's shoulder to give it a squeeze.  "He'll be okay."

Chakotay did not correct their assumption regarding Tom's guide's
location.  "I saw your spirit guide, too, B'Elanna." he said instead.
"It was there with his."

This seemed to calm her a little.  It was as though she felt better
knowing Tom was being protected by something connected to her, no
matter how repulsive she found that something.  Her brown eyes found
her beloved's face again.

Harry, looking more relieved himself, came over and gently touched her
hair.  The pair glanced at one another as Harry took a seat next to
her. Two of their hands intertwined and said nothing, watching their
friend.

The Captain on the other hand stared intently at Chakotay.  She rose
and gestured with a tilt of her head for the Commander and the Doctor
to join her in the corridor.  As they exited, Neelix assumed her spot
to the other side B'Elanna, taking her free hand in his.

"You said you weren't allowed to see Tom." Kathryn stated once the
doors were closed.

Chakotay nodded.

"But you saw Tom's spirit guide and B'Elanna's."

Again affirmative assent.

"They aren't with him, are they?  He's all alone there.  That's why
you could see them but not him."

A third nod.

"What really is going on there, Chakotay?"

"I don't know." he sighed.  "There is this forest which apparently
appeared when he did and I got some very bad feelings from it.  I
wasn't allowed to go there but I could hear him screaming every once
in a while. I waited for him to come out but after awhile... I
couldn't take the screaming anymore."

"It appeared when he did." the Doctor mused.

"Yes."

"If you and Mr. Paris actually were on some other plane, it  is
possible this 'forest' is a physical, or in this case metaphysical,
manifestation of his inner demons.  You said his reasons for
undertaking this-" he gestured to the closed cabin door- "was to find
inner peace."

"That's more my explanation than his.  He never really gave me a
straight answer as to why he wanted to do this, but I think that is at
least part of it."

"Then it is likely his past troubles are the root cause of his current
ones."

"So your thinking is that when he comes to terms with his past he'll
be able to leave there?" the Captain questioned.

"If he can." Chakotay muttered to himself.  When he realised he had
the attention of the other two, he explained.  "If he can come to
terms with it.  My spirit guide was talking in terms of 'if he
survives' and 'it is dangerous', meaning the forest.  I've never heard
her talk like that before."

"Surely you have to remember this is Mr. Paris we are talking about
here." the Doctor reminded them.  "There have been some... bad patches
in his life.  It would only be natural for his demons to be horrific."

"But he usually does not confront them, merely pretends they don't
matter to him, which we all know is not the case." the Commander
reminded them.

"I still wonder how much of his remaining there because of the
device." the EMH mused.  "We've all seen the scans of it.  There *is*
something wrong with it.  The energy readings from it are far outside
of its acceptable perimeters and show no signs of abating."

Kathryn picked up on his train of thought.  "So your thinking is the
malfunction in it could cause Tom to be stuck there, indefinitely,
regardless of whether he wants to confront his demons or not.  Like a
programme caught in an endless loop."

"But the akoonah was fine the last time I used it." Chakotay repeated
the same statement he had been making since the Doctor's first
examination of it and Tom.

"That was the last time, Commander." the EMH chimed in with his part
of the argument.  "Any number of things could have happened between
then and now.

The Captain raised a hand to silence them.  "Gentlemen, this
speculation is getting you nowhere.  Doctor, keep monitoring Tom's
readings.  Commander, go to Engineering and see if Mr. Carey has made
any progress deciphering the readings from the akoonah and your
quarters.  I have to go to the Bridge and relieve Tuvok and see if the
scans of the ship and surrounding space have uncovered anything.  I
want to know the minute anyone has any answers or-"

There was another blood curdling scream from inside Chakotay's
quarters.

"Neelix to Doctor.  You'd better get back here."

The trio rushed back into the quarters to find Neelix and Harry
leaning over the monitoring devices and alternating glances between
the displays and Tom.  B'Elanna remained on the floor beside Tom
almost in tears.  Her fists were white knuckled in an effort not to
reach out for him.  The Captain immediately knelt next to B'Elanna to
put an arm around her.

"Doctor?"

Ignoring Chakotay's unasked question for the moment, the EMH stared at
the readouts, entered a few commands then grabbed a tricorder and
walked over to begin scanning Tom.  "His readings spiked well into the
dangerous levels." he finally answered.  "Now, however, it appears
they are falling rapidly."

"Falling rapidly?"

He closed up the tricorder.  "Yes.  Towards acceptable levels."

"You mean he is coming around?" B'Elanna whispered, raising watery
eyes to his.

He gave her a slight, reassuring smile.  "Yes, B'Elanna.  I think he
might be." he murmured softly.

She returned the smile as best she could.

---

When at last all was quiet beneath her, she finally dared to breathe.
Having had their revenge, the last two had ceased their attack and
merely stood over him.  Up in the tree, she had escaped their notice
and, though she still was in the dark regarding the reason for their
anger, she was grateful to have been overlooked by them.  If only the
poor wretch below could have said the same.

Silently, already fearing she knew the outcome, she watched as he
painfully tried to haul himself away from them.  The two Cardassians
followed, smirking triumphantly.

---

Near dead, Tom dragged himself towards the sunlight he saw peeking
through the thinning foliage.  He did not know how long he had been
trying to reach that promise of safety - he had blacked out more times
than he could count while trying to get there - but it felt like it
had been hours.

*Why are you bothering to do this?* Gul Camet asked him.  *Just give
up now.  It would be so much easier.*

He took a shaky breath, considering it for a nanosecond.

Camet took advantage of that nanosecond of indecision.  *You can't
make it.  You don't deserve to make it after everything you've done.*

That condemnation was enough to convince him.

Shakily extending his right arm, one remaining functioning appendage,
he wrapped bloodied fingers around an exposed root.  He flexed muscles
so exhausted they had ceased screaming out for relief long ago and
mutely did his bidding as best as they could.  Slowly, a centimetre at
a time, he pulled his broken body forwards through the thick humus
which comprised the floor of the forest.  Slowly towards the light.
Slowly towards the promise of freedom.

---

"Doctor to Captain."

The Captain straightened from consulting with Harry's replacement at
Ops.  "How's Tom?"  On her trip up to the Bridge not four hours ago,
she had overheard enough of a conversation between two crewmembers to
realise everyone on board knew, at least in part, what had happened to
Tom Paris. And we thought we'd been so careful to keep it all private,
she had thought at the time.  Now, knowing it was useless to try to
hide any of this anymore, she openly asked for an update.

"His readings have levelled off.  They now correspond more closely
with those Commander Chakotay has exhibited when he was meditating
this earlier."

"So no distress."

"None."

"And the readings from the akoonah?"

"Normal, too." Joe Carey's voice joined the conversation.  "I can't
explain it.  Only a few hours ago it was going crazy, but now,
nothing. I've completed another scan of it, the Commander's quarters,
and the surrounding sections above and below.  There still are no
strange energy emissions or anything which would explain what's
happened.   Everything is identical to the last time I took the
readings, except akoonah is reading as functioning normally now. We'll
have to dismantle it and do a further inspection to be positive, but
frankly I don't think we'll find anything."

"Mr. Carey, it sounds like you have another explanation in mind."

"Well, Captain, the equipment doesn't seem to be at fault.  There is
nothing in the surrounding area of the ship that is reading as
abnormal. Commander Chakotay performed the same ritual only two weeks
ago without any ill side effects.  Ops still hasn't found anything out
of the ordinary in this area of space, has it?"

Harry's replacement shook her head.

"No." the Captain answered for her.

"So, Captain," Carey continued, "that only leaves Lt. Paris."

"All readings were normal at his last physical." the Doctor insisted.
"I am at a loss to explain how it could be him."

Sensing an impending argument, the Captain nipped it in the bud.
"Doctor, keep monitoring him and contact me the moment he wakes.  Mr.
Carey, the moment he does wake I want the akoonah dismantled and
checked out  Understood, gentlemen?"

"Aye, Captain." Carey answered.

"Of course, Captain.  Doctor out."

Returning to their consultation, Kathryn mirrored the relieved smile
of the young crewwoman bent over the Ops console.   Life would be able
to get back to normal soon, they both hoped.  As normal as it got in
the Delta Quadrant anyway.

---

Tom lay there on the edge of the thick grass, breathing shallowly.
After his exertions his lungs demanded he take deep, gasping breaths
to fill them.  His crushed ribs, on the other hand, told him not to
every time he tried to oblige his respiratory organs. So he lay there
hardly breathing, in a crumpled heap, finally free of the forest, yet
not free of his pursuers.

They were inside of him now.  He had not realised that fact until the
last of his body had slid out of the shadows and the feeling of their
presence had not receded as expected.  They remained with him. He
could feel them inside of his head.  He could hear them taunting him
through their spokesman, Camet, telling him he would never be rid of
them now, they were there to stay, there was no escape.  As if he
possessed the strength to even think about trying to run from them.

Slowly, he became aware of a sound off to his left.  At first it
sounded like the beating of giant wings.  Moments later there was a
soft rustling of something moving towards him through the grass.  Eyes
still closed, he whimpered softly.  He desperately wished he could
curl himself into the foetal position for protection, but that action
had not protected him the last time and he no longer could move
anyway.  Crushed in body and spirit, he had no strength left to defend
himself from this new enemy and he seriously wondered if were worth
while to try.

Downy feathers brushed his cheek.

A soft call somewhere between a coo and screech was made near his ear.

Then nothing except soft, near silent breathing which certainly was
not his own.

Tom's eyes opened.  Given the awkward angle of his head's position, he
found himself staring slightly up into a pair of amber eyes.  An
eagle, he slowly realised, taking in the rest of the head before him.
He was looking at an eagle.

*That is the form in which I appear to you.*

Stunned, Tom thought the torments he had endured had finally had
driven him insane.  He could swear he heard it speak to him.

*You are not insane.*

He opened his mouth to speak.  All of the screaming he had done
earlier had left his vocal cords too raw to produce little more than a
brief squawk more appropriate to one of his companion's species than
his own.

*Don't speak.  Rest.*

There was another beating of wings and rustling of dry grass then a
second, much smaller bird appeared.  It hurried over to the eagle. The
two exchanged a quick look before the newcomer stared down at Tom. As
the other bird had done, she touched his cheek with her head then
settled down next to her mate to watch over him.

*This is the companion of the one you think of as your mate.* the
eagle explained.  *There was great concern for your survival.  We are
glad you did not disappoint us.*

My spirit guide? Tom wondered, knowing the bird would continue to read
his thoughts.

*That is what some call us.*

I do have one.

*Yes.*

I still have my soul.

The eagle moved a little closer and covered Tom's head with an
extended wing.  *Badly battered and bruised, but yes.  You can't lose
that no matter what you may do or is done to you.*

Tom merely sighed, closed his eyes, and blacked out once more.

---

Will he live? she asked the birds, stepping out of the forest herself.

The two regarded her for a moment, curiously.

*Yes.  Who are you?* the falcon asked.

She crouched next to the man and brushed damped and bloodied hair away
from his forehead.  *A searcher who has looked for someone for a very
long time.*

Chakotay's companion walked up to her and stared, first at her then at
the young man.  *Is he the one you seek?*

She considered this for a moment.  *I am not certain, but I believe
so.  He certainly looks like him.  And he does have the strength of
will I was told he possessed.  I will know better when he awakes.  I
cannot approach him directly.  Not until I am certain of his identity.
Can you ask him about what just happened?  I need to know.*

*We cannot press.* the wolf responded.  *He must tell us only what he
wishes to tell us.  To attempt to force him to say more than he is
prepared to say might convince him to say nothing.*

*I understand.*  Rising, she looked at each of them in turn then at
the other animals who were beginning to arrive.  *He must not know of
me, in case he is not the one I seek.*

They all nodded.

*Good.  He will need water when he awakens.  Is there some nearby?*

Two of the newly arrived animals - a brown bear and a raccoon-
volunteered to fetch some and departed together while all but the
woman settled in to wait.

*I think it would be best if he did not see me when he awakens.* she
told them and pivoted to return to the forest only to discover it no
longer was there.  *Where did it go?*

The animals looked at what now was meadow once more.  From their body
language, she could tell they did not know either.

Frowning in confusion, she headed instead for the large tree the birds
had so recently vacated.

---

"B'Elanna?"

The woman opened sleepy eyes to look up into Harry's well rested face.
"Is he-?"

"No, he's still gone."  He helped B'Elanna into a sitting position on
the couch.  "I thought the Commander told you to get some rest, too."

"I was."

"In your own quarters."

"I couldn't leave him, Harry."

Harry felt a little guilty.  Unlike her, he had followed orders and
left for a nap in his quarters.  It was not that he didn't feel as
strongly about Tom as B'Elanna did.  Tom was his unofficial big
brother and official best friend after all.  He still felt selfish,
though, for having chosen the comfort of sleep in his own bed over
remaining here on vigil as she clearly had.  "The Doctor says he is
out of danger now, B'Elanna."

"*Probably* out of danger." she corrected.

"Okay, probably out of danger.  You've been here over twenty-seven
hours now.  You need sleep all the same.  Proper sleep, not
accidentally dozing off for a minute or five here and there."

"When he is better."

"B'Elanna."

"When he is better."

He knew from experience that there was no arguing with her tone.
Sighing, Harry sat and put an arm around her shoulders.  Smiling a
little, she leaned her head against his shoulder to wait.

---

The next time Tom opened his eyes the eagle and falcon still were with
him, but now a wolf and a cougar sat behind them.  They too stared
down at the prone man.

*How do you feel?* the wolf asked.

"Better." he rasped.  "Physically anyway."

*That is to be expected.*

"Who are you?"

*I am the companion of the one who led you here.*

Tom thought this statement over for a moment.  "Chakotay." he guessed
at last.

*Yes.*

The cougar said nothing, merely intently observing him.  Tom returned
the stare for a moment then smiled slightly.  "Tuvok."

The big cat inclined his head.

A small movement immediately before Tom caught his eye.  Tilting his
head slightly downwards, he saw a little lizard sunning itself on a
rock between Tom and the birds.  It cocked its head to one side then
the other, watching him.

*I am the companion of another who is concerned about your welfare.*
the lizard explained.

Before he could puzzle out who that might be, a bear with a raccoon
riding on his massive back sedately lumbered up to them.  The wolf
padded over to them and took in her powerful jaws the odd
coconut-like, half shell the raccoon was balancing on the bear's
moving back with its forepaws. Skirting the other animals, the wolf
came to Tom's head and tipped the shell ever so slightly over Tom's
cheek.  A small amount of ice cold water ran down and over his parched
and cracked lips.

After a few moments of this, Tom felt strong enough to lift his head.
The raccoon scurrying off of its back, the bear ambled over and gently
sat next to him.  Two huge arms crudely encircled Tom's shattered
torso, turned him over onto his bruised and bloodied back then heaved
him up into a sitting position.  While the bear settled Tom back
against it's chest, Chakotay's companion adjusted her own position.
Once close to him again she tipped the half full shell to his lips and
let him drink.  Mindless of the water dribbling down his chin, he took
in as much of the liquid as he could before letting his head fall back
into the bear's coarse fur.

Neelix, Tom thought to the bear, you're Neelix's companion, aren't
you.  He's always been one for bear hugs.

If it were possible, the bear seemed to chuckle softly.  *It is good
to see your sense of humour is returning.*

Tom sobered.  And he has the inner strength of a bear.

The animal did not answer this time.  He laid his chin on the top of
Tom's head and tightened the arms ever so gently.  To Tom, it almost
felt like one of Neelix's bear hugs.

The raccoon by this time had scampered over to Tom's side and was
seated beside his left knee.  He stared up at him, concern radiating
from the fuzzy face.  Delicate fingers carefully were laid on the torn
material and an equally torn leg.

The mischievous nature of raccoons gave Tom a clue as to the identity
of this one's human counterpart.  The concerned look in his eyes
clinched it for him.  Harry.

The raccoon seemed to smile at that.

The lizard was next to come closer.  It scrambled its way up the
bear's right leg then arm, finally coming to rest on Tom's right
shoulder. It was too much of an effort to turn his head but Tom knew
the little reptile was there, watching him.  The feeling of the
Captain's hand resting reassuringly on his shoulder came to mind.  One
tiny forefoot reached out and patted his cheek as acknowledgment of
his correct guess.

*Normally you would not see the others, but their companions have
great concern for you.  That is why they are present.* the eagle
explained, guessing Tom's next question before he could think or voice
it.

Scalding tears ran down Tom's face unbidden.  "That will change."

*Because of what you now know to be true about yourself?*

His eyes closed.  "You don't know any of it."

*True, we do not know what happened there.  We were not permitted to
know that.*  The tone was one of consternation at being kept in the
dark about something which had occurred in their realm.  *What we do
know is this - that you are a good man.  Our companions know it, too.
The question is - do you know it?*

His eyes closed.  "I am not a good man.  They are wrong and so are
you."

*No, it is you who are mistaken.  You do not see the truth about
yourself.*

Tom tried to laugh at the irony of that statement but it came out as
more a choked gasp than the sound of derision it was intended to be.
"I know exactly what the truth about me is.  It is nothing good."

*One day you shall see things differently.  When that day comes, know
all of us and all of them will be here for you.* He opened his eyes
and suddenly realised they were not alone.  Around their little group
were well over a hundred other animals of all shapes and sizes.

*Many are concerned about your safety.*

More tears rolled down his face.   He knew despite the words about
their knowing he was a good person, he was not and never would be.
Even now he could feel the beginning of a war between the Tom Paris
who had existed for the past five years and the Tom Paris who had bee
created and modified over the course of the twenty-five years before
that.  And he knew it was only a matter of time before Frankenstein's
Monster won.

---

Leaning against the tree, she wiped away her own tears.  While he had
said so little, his tears had spoken so much.  At long last she knew
she probably had found him.  "Probably had found" was close but not
definite a "had found" yet she decided it "was" sure enough to return
to her people and risk having their hopes dashed yet again.  To be one
hundred percent positive he was the one they had to make contact with
him, all of him, not merely his consciousness.  And she was going to
be the one to do it.

With a final look at the gathering, she left.

---

The EMH's programming seemed to fail him for a moment as he stared at
the tears sliding down Tom Paris's drawn face.  It was not until the
lieutenant's heretofore-rigid posture began to sag did he remember
this was his patient and he was supposed to be monitoring him.

"He is waking." he announced rather unnecessarily to B'Elanna and
Harry before repeating the news to the Captain over the Comm and his
intention to take him directly to Sickbay.

With Tom finally waking, his friends threw all caution to the wind.
B'Elanna slipped around and kneeled behind her mate, catching him as
he slumped backwards in exhaustion.  Deceptively strong arms wrapped
around him to hold him to her as muscles which had been tense for so
long quivered with the effort to relax.  Harry, still seated in front
of his friends, moved the offending akoonah as Tom's hand fell away.
He set it on the coffee table then placed his hands on Tom's left leg
and carefully straightened it out then did the same with his right,
trying to make him comfortable.

"Transporter Room, four to beam directly to Sickbay."

The beam transporting them to Deck Five did not seem to register on
the half-Klingon.    Murmuring softly, B'Elanna gently wiped the tears
from Tom's face as his long golden eyelashes fluttered open. "It's
okay, Tom. Everything's okay now."  Whether the words truly were meant
for him or as reassurance for the rest of them, neither one of them
could tell.

"How do you feel, Mr. Paris?" the doctor questioned quietly, squatting
next to him, tricorder in hand.

Physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted, Tom did not think he
could find the strength to form an answer. The immediate appearance of
Chakotay and the Captain spared him trying to.

"How is he?" Kathryn asked.

"Dehydrated, malnourished from nearly two days without food, and in
need of serious sleep but otherwise all readings are within acceptable
levels.  I need to examine him further for brain damage and give him a
vitamin shot.  Knowing his allergic reaction to being in Sickbay as a
patient, I'll release him to his quarters if everything checks out as
normal.  Someone will have to stay with him for the next few hours."
He smiled at B'Elanna who, refusing to relinquish her hold on Tom, was
helping Harry and Chakotay lift him onto the biobed.  "I don't think
we'll have to worry about trying to find volunteers for that duty."

Rising with the EMH, the Captain grinned and nodded.

"Tom," Chakotay began, "do you remember what happened."

The Doctor nearly opened his mouth to remind the Commander this was
HIS Sickbay and HIS patient so HE should ask the questions, but he
didn't. As it was to have been one of the first questions he was going
to ask anyway, he went about performing his scans and let the others
do the talking.

Shaking his head in the negative, Tom's clouded blue eyes focused on
the ceiling.

"Nothing at all?"

Another negative response.

"What is the last thing you remember, Tom?" Kathryn asked, standing
next to B'Elanna.

"Chakotay's quarters." he rasped, still looking straight up.

"Nothing else?"

"No."

"I find no evidence of brain damage of any kind." the EMH declared,
closing the medical tricorder with a snap and applying a hypospray to
Tom's neck.

"But he can't remember anything about the last day and a half."
Chakotay insisted.

"Commander, you and I have had this discussion before.  It is
debatable whether what happens when you use your device actually is
real or some hallucination created by your subconscious to provide you
with what you are expecting to see.  I still have no definitive answer
on that. However, I can tell you there is no medical reason for Mr.
Paris to have memory loss of any kind which leaves me leaning towards
the latter explanation.  You said he was uncertain if it would work
for him.  Clearly that uncertainty manifested itself  in no
hallucination."

"Then what about the screaming?  And the strange readings from the
akoonah?"

"Nightmares, not spirits.  As for the device of yours, I'm sure once
Mr. Carey has dismantled it some small malfunction which was missed in
his scans will present itself.  There is nothing medically wrong with
Mr. Paris, as I have been saying for the last day and a half." he
answered smugly.

The argument abruptly ended as Tom, with great effort, rose to a
sitting position.  He waved off all assistance and after a moment, he
summoned what remained of his strength and lowered himself off of the
bed.

"Mr. Paris, I really must insist you lie down.  Just because I said
there was nothing medically wrong doesn't mean you-"

"Am I released to my quarters?" the patient asked quietly.

"Well, you need a good meal and a long rest..."

"Thank you, Doctor."

B'Elanna and Harry hurried to catch his arms yet pulled back when he
shook his head.

"Tom?" they chorused, confused.

"I wish to be alone right now."

"But...." B'Elanna protested.

Neelix bustled into Sickbay and automatically wrapped Tom in a warm
hug, not noticing the hug-ee's  stiffness.  The others present did
however. All but the stunned B'Elanna exchanged looks.

"We were so worried, Tom." the Talaxian informed him, giving him a
second squeeze.

"I need to go to my quarters." Tom insisted again, distancing himself
from his friend and leaving.

"Tom?"  Neelix looked at the others.  "Did I miss something?"

Ignoring her cook/morale officer's question, Kathryn's narrowed gaze
was on the closed Sickbay doors.  "I don't think he is telling us the
whole story."

Her First Officer looked at her then the doors.  "What do you mean?"

"I mean I think he does remember some if not all of what's happened.
His saying he remembers nothing of what happened may be his way of
keeping it to himself until he is ready to share with someone else."

"Given the fact he was screaming most of the time he was there, that
would be a logical conclusion as Tuvok would say."

"He just needs some time to rest and collect himself." Kathryn
asserted, gently touching B'Elanna's shoulders.  "Once he has had some
rest, I'm sure he will be okay.  We all need to be there for him when
he is ready to talk about whatever happened."

B'Elanna, somewhat shell-shocked now that it was all over and Tom had
rejected her desire to comfort him, did not respond.  She merely
walked out the doors without a word.  With her heart breaking for the
young woman, Kathryn tried to smile reassuringly at Neelix and Harry.
Ever the morale officer, Neelix put an arm around Harry's shoulders
and drew him out of Sickbay, chattering inanely about how the young
human needed a good meal.

"Since he wishes to be alone, I'll monitor him from here and beam him
back here if the need arises."  the more than a little miffed Doctor
stiffly announced once the others were gone.  He nodded to the
officers then headed to his office.

The Captain looked at Chakotay who had a thoughtful look on his face.
"What is it, Chakotay?"

He shook his head.  "I just can't get the sight of the forest out of
my head."

She placed a hand on his biceps.

"The feeling I got from that place.  It's stuck with me and won't go
away."

"What kind of feeling?"

"Evil."  He looked straight into her eyes.  "Pure evil.  I don't know
if that place really was an arena for fighting his inner demons or
what, but it scared me, Kathryn."

Forgetting who they both were for the moment, she drew him into a hug.
"Whatever it was, he survived.  It's over now."

"Is it?" he asked her.  "I'm not so sure."

---

Joe Carey and Ensign Vorick puzzled over the wreckage of what had been
the akoonah.  The moment the Captain informed them Tom was being
beamed to Sickbay and no longer needed it, Vorick had retrieved it
from the Commander's quarters and rushed it to Main Engineering.  That
had been over twenty minutes ago and they were no further ahead in
deciphering the mystery than they had been before.

"The visual inspection confirms the results of the readings,
Lieutenant." Vorick pronounced. "There is nothing wrong with the
equipment."

"There has to be an explanation." Carey insisted.

"With all other possibilities eliminated, your original hypothesis
must be correct.  Lt. Paris must somehow be responsible."

Carey sighed.  "Agreed, but how?"

---

Bedroom in full illumination, the shell of the man who had been Tom
Paris cowered in a corner, back to a bulkhead, silent tears soaking
the cloth covering his updrawn knees.  He could have told the Captain
just how wrong she was about it all being over.  It was only
beginning.  Likewise he could have shown the puzzled engineers the
results of the diagnostic he had performed on himself the second he
arrived in his quarters.  Once shown what to look for they too would
have blamed the past two days on the bizarre coincidence of two
identical frequencies fighting to cancel each other out.  In the end,
it was the akoonah which had triumphed.  It had rendered near useless
the circuits of the cloaked, subatomic device hidden in Tom's brain
and known only as "The Implant".  He could have explain both of these
things to them, but he had no plans to do so.

Nor did the woman who stood less than three metres away plan on
telling anyone what she was seeing.  In his private Hell, he had
missed hearing her key in the override code and enter moments ago.
Now, she stood there, indecision freezing her in place.  His saying he
wanted to be alone and the Captain's words about giving him time
replayed over and over in her head.  Finally she ignored her head and
listened to her heart and approached him.

Tom jerked as the hands gently touched his hair.  He scrambled to try
to press himself even further back into the corner, eyes wild. The
soft murmuring of a familiar voice calmed him enough for him to
register the face before him.

"B'Elanna?"  he whispered.

She nodded.  Tears formed in her own eyes at the sight of this man
totally vulnerable for the first time in their relationship.

They stared at one another for a long moment then he unfolded his
limbs and wrapped his arms around the waist of the woman kneeling
beside him.  She seated herself in his lap as he buried his face in
her neck and cried.

In holding her so close, his overwrought senses were momentarily were
assailed with her scent and feel and all other thoughts vanished. For
one sweet moment he forgot all he had so recently been forced to
remember.

Then the memories were back and it finally and truly sunk in that
there was no chance of forgetting everything again.  With The Implant
so heavily damaged The Sleep, The Implant function which repressed
certain memories of those like him until they were needed, was over,
probably for good.  Now he was Awake, aware of his past and his true
self, and trapped in the Delta Quadrant.  His creators, The
Protectors, were not going to be able to return him to that precious
obviousness to the life which they had forced upon him.  He was fifty
plus years from the farthest reaches of the galactic region controlled
by them with no hope of a miracle to return them home ahead of ETA. He
was doomed to spending the remainder of the trip conscious of his
other life and his crimes.

*And one day the others will know the truth, too.* Camet sneered in
Tom's mind.  *But don't worry you won't be totally alone when they
ostracise you and this woman who loves you so much leaves you.  You'll
have us to keep you company.*

Tom could not argue with the dead Cardassian because he knew he was
right.

---

Far away, on a distant plane, she looked at those around her. Everyone 
had been puzzling over her abrupt silence and the waves of sadness 
emanating from her earlier.  Now they puzzled over her guarded smile.

"I believe I have found him." she slowly announced.

The sigh of relief from the others was short lived.

"I must go to be certain it is him.

"You, personally?" her chief advisor asked.

"Yes, me."

She said no more.  She never explained the sorrow.  She never 
explained why she personally had to be the one to go when another 
typically was sent.  She merely went.

---

continued in To Tell The Truth 2: Parole