The BLTS Archive- Breaking Away by michele masterson (libra471@aol.com) --- Author's note: Alright, this one isn't even my fault -- let's blame an old sappy song challenge, and the radio station for playing the song. I had another one of my "I'm a big baby" moments listening to this old Allman Brothers (I think) song -- I remember it from when I was little driving in the car with my dad. And then I started thinking of it in terms of J/C and yes, I got all emotional because, as I've said, I'm a big baby. --- Tonight I'm going to break away Just you wait and see I'll never be imprisoned by A faded memory --- I've always loved spaceports. Even if I wasn't going anywhere, even if I was just meeting someone, or picking something up, there's just something invigorating about the whole process, the comings and goings, people heading off for vacation, people greeting long-lost friends and family, people just going somewhere. And today I'm one of them. Leaving Earth, destination unknown. I haven't done this in so long that I'm a little apprehensive, and certainly I'm not the young man who would drop things at a moment's notice and just head out there. But I'm excited. It's good. One would think that I'd have had enough of aimless travel, after so many years on Voyager. But then, it wasn't aimless -- we had one goal, one mission, and nothing else mattered. Now it's different -- I've got no flight plan, no schedule, no one telling me what to do. No one to be responsible for. No one to rely on, and no one relying on me. I always thought that the freedom, in itself, would be a relief, though I feel a little strange about not telling anyone my plans. But I know I'll be better once I'm on my way. I'm leaving today, and I'm never coming back. It's good. It'll be good. --- Just when I think I'm over her This broken heart will mend I hear her name and I have to cry The tears come down again --- Kathryn got married. I wasn't able to make it to the ceremony, though in her message she seemed to sincerely want me to be there. I'm happy for her. We've been home for so long, and so many things happened right away -- the hearings, the politics, the war. I'm surprised she had any time for a social life at all. I sent her and her new husband a gift, something they had registered for. I was going to make something, but I didn't. I sort of dropped the ball on a lot of that, in retrospect. I guess it's just because I was so... shocked. To hear from her. To see her name on an incoming message. It was one of those things that I'd thought about a few times, those "what ifs" that you always pose to yourself -- what would you do, what would you say? But you never think those "what ifs" are going to happen. I am happy for her, and she seems to be very content. The funny thing is, in that list of "what ifs" that I'd made, I always thought that somebody, B'Elanna, or even Paris, would have contacted me. One of those sympathetic calls, making sure I was okay, making sure I wasn't going to do something rash, making sure I was over it all. I had my whole speech planned out to address that too, no there's nothing to be worried about, no I'm not upset, no we were never lovers, yes we were close but when we got back we both realized that we couldn't pursue it. That part isn't entirely true -- we never actually had a conversation about it -- but when we got back, I couldn't make the jump, and I guess neither could she. There were a few awkward conversations, though not as many as I'd anticipated. A lot of things happened, and then a lot of time had passed, and then... she got married. B'Elanna never called, though. Or Paris, or Tuvok. Maybe they've all forgotten. Maybe they never suspected anyway. Maybe they figured I was past that, which is, of course, true. I was a little surprised that no one called, but in the end I'm glad I never had to have that conversation. True, it was a shock. Both hearing from her, and hearing that she was getting married. And I do get a little sentimental about Voyager, and all the time we'd spent together, and how much I had grown to respect her, and appreciate her, and how truly vicious her sense of humor was -- she didn't show it to many people, but she showed it to me. So yes, I've been thinking about all that, recently. But not today. Today I'm waiting for a transport, in a crazy, bustling, fantastic spaceport. I've got nothing but choices ahead of me. It's good. It'll be good. --- It happens all the time This crazy love of mine Wraps around my heart Refusing to unwind --- I think I've come to the conclusion that I was never really in love with Kathryn Janeway. I really don't think I was. You can't be in love with someone who doesn't love you back. That isn't love -- that's a crush, or a fantasy, or something else. So I think that's what I was feeling. Which isn't to say that I'm completely untouched by this. Sometimes it still gets me, just a little. I think about how I saw my life after Voyager, and I admit I had thought she'd be in it -- a fleeting thought, a vague image of us together, sitting on the porch of her mother's house that she'd told me about a few times, or maybe in our own house. But these were only brief, overly-romantic notions, nothing I ever took too seriously. My life now is fine, and will be filled soon with new things, new people, places I've yet to imagine. I'm sure a lot of people, once they hear about me leaving, will believe that it's because my heart is broken. Well, that simply isn't true. It wasn't love, I know that, and if they insist on thinking of me that way there's nothing I can do about it. There's nothing I *will* do about it, since I'll be gone. And I won't have to explain anything. I won't need to tell anybody where I'm going, or why I'm going. This is really the best way -- just taking off. I don't care what they think, in the end. Part of me wonders, just a little, what Kathryn will think when she hears that I've gone. Or what she would say if I called her up, right now, using that public comm link over there, and just told her I was taking off and she'd never see me again. Would she be angry? Sad? I don't think she'd be ambivalent. Would she want to come with me? No. No, she obviously wouldn't, and I'm not going to call her anyway. I don't even really want to. I just wonder. What would she do, what would she say? But all that doesn't matter. It doesn't matter at all, I just get this way sometimes when I hear about her, even on a little newsvid mentioning her name. When I think of her, when someone asks me about her, there are always a few moments of wondering, of "what ifs," and I even imagine that I've got a broken heart -- which I couldn't, again, since it was never love. And it goes away after a while. When I'm gone, when I'm really far out there, I probably won't even hear her name, won't even get the Federation News very much, which will be good as well. Eliminating pointless thoughts. Oh, this will be good for me. I don't belong on Earth, it was never my home, and I was right to leave Starfleet all those years ago. I need to be out there, away from things that are binding me, away from the ties and the restrictions. Away from all of this. I can't wait to get on that transport. Once those doors close, there is no turning back. Not that I want to turn back, not that I'd even be able to change things, say things that were left unsaid, do things I'll never do now. It's all over. Kathryn is married, and I'm leaving, never to return. I like the finality of it all. It's the one thing in my life that I can honestly say has been done without hedging, without second guessing, succinctly and thoroughly. There is a strength in making a decision like this, not considering anyone else but yourself, after deferring to others for so many years. I suspect Kathryn knows this strength, knows this power. They've announced the final boarding call. I just realized that I've been watching the entrance, looking for someone I recognize, as if someone might have guessed my plan, found out that I was leaving and rushed here to try and stop me. I don't quite know what I would've done then, if someone did that. If Kathryn did that. Another pointless thought, and hopefully the last. I'm leaving, right now. And it's good. It'll be good. --- The End The song "Crazy Love" was written, I believe, by Rusty Young.